TEN Best Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the tippex. You probably got here
just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Blast! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

AND THE number 1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR
DESK...

1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."

A FOREIGN PERSPECTIVE ON THE FLORIDA IMBROGLIO

A Zimbabwe politician has been quoted as saying that children should
study this year's U.S. presidential election closely, because it shows
that election fraud is not only a third world phenomena. In that spirit,
consider the recent proceedings from a slightly different perspective:

1. Imagine that we read of an election occurring anywhere in the
third world in which the self-declared winner was the son of the former
prime minister and that former prime minister was himself the former
head of that nation's secret police (CIA).

2. Imagine that the self-declared winner lost the popular vote but
won based on some colonial holdover (Electoral College) from the
nation's past.

3. Imagine that the self-declared winner's 'victory' turned on
disputed votes cast in a province governed by his brother.

4. Imagine that the poorly drafted ballots of one district, a
district heavily favoring the self-declared winner's opponent, led
thousands of voters to vote for the wrong candidate.

5. Imagine that members of that nation's most despised caste,
fearing for their lives/livelihoods, turned out in record numbers to
vote in near-universal opposition to the self-declared winner's
candidacy.

6. Imagine that hundreds of members of that most-despised caste
were intercepted on their way to the polls by state police operating
under the authority of the self-declared winner's brother.

7. Imagine that six million people voted in the disputed province
and that the self-declared winner's 'lead' was only 300 votes. Fewer,
certainly, than the vote counting machines' margin of error.

8. Imagine that the self-declared winner and his political party
opposed a more careful by-hand inspection and re-counting of the ballots
in the disputed province or in its most hotly disputed district.

9. Imagine that the self-declared winner was himself the governor
of a major province, which had the worst human rights record of any
province in his nation and which actually led the nation in executions.

10. Imagine that a major campaign promise of the self-declared
winner was to appoint like-minded human rights violators to lifetime
positions on the high court of that nation.


Few of us would deem such an election to be representative of anything
other than the self-declared winner's will-to-power. All of us, I
imagine, would wearily turn the page thinking that it was another sad
tale of pitiful pre- or anti-democracy peoples in some strange
elsewhere.


THIS REMINDS ME OF GANDHI'S REPUTED RESPONSE TO A QUESTION POSED BY A
BRITISH JOURNALIST AFTER GANDHI RETURNED FROM A TOUR OF EUROPEAN
CAPITALS.

"What," he was asked, "do you think about Western Civilization?"

"I think," he replied, "it would be a very good idea."

1. A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE...
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in
the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the
man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "Her contractions are only two
minutes apart! "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man
shouted, "This is her husband!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket
(helllllloooooooooo!).
--------------------------------------------------------------------
8.THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new
22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was
very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The
engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the
boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no
diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist
tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
secrets you wish to sell.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
tone, please hang up.

Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want?

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a
family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep
and whoever wins will call you right back.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished.

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and
your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we
like the color.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please
leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your
call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system
performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized
to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.

(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now.
They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your
number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper
bag.

(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right
now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I
think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY
GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a
message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll
hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone.
I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message
with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of
expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

(A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you
dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a
message after the beep.

Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.)
Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now.
Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
accident of evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look.

A 7-foot grizzly was charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could
up the path. He looked over his shoulder and the bear was closing in.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He
looked over his shoulder, and the bear was even closer. His heart
pumped frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell
on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up and the bear, right on top of him,
reached for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike
him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God! ... "
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical
to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you
make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped his right paw ... brought both paws together ... bowed
his head: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly
thankful."

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutcase in
Newport, Vermont named Scott Williams who digs things out of his back
yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institution,
labelling them with scientific names, and insisting that they are
actual archaeological finds.

This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway, here's
the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind
next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a
difficult situation in writing.
________________________________________________________________________


Smithsonian Institution
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled
"93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston
County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have
found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our
staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of
us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to
come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that
there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might
have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilised bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous
man-eating Plieocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands
during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into
too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like
it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil,
it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of
work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that
our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the
display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you
expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation
of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent
juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator -Antiquities

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about
the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it. Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle
from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
wouldn't. Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with
vegetable soup. Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on
at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. Russell
Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in
hot grease. Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this
guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." Russell
Beland, Springfield

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of
35 mph. Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr
Pepper can. Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled
Nancy Kerrigan's teeth Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never
met. Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal
being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. Barbara Fetherolf,
Alexandria

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants
in a dryer without Cling Free Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Unknown

For all who have ever had any dealings with the banks..... This is an
actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The Bank thought it amusing
enough to publish it in the New York Times.


Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque,
and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight
years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To
this end, please be advised about the following:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and
blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be
guided through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing repayment.

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the
call is received.

5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;
Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call
is received.

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature; Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the
call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password
to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated
at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 9.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

......."Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
off by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20/page. Enquiries from your nominated contact
will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits
to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs
at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would
be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year.



Your humble client.

Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some people
reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of
them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards.
The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine
print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome...
enjoy.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God

C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God

We need to talk.
-God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God

I love you and you and you and you and...
-God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God

Follow me.
-God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God

My way is the highway.
-God

Need directions?
-God

You think it's hot here?
-God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God

Don't make me come down there.
-God

Bill's New House

While the Gates are moving in from their temporary quarters
nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to
be completed until the end of the year !!
Bill has a meeting with the contractor....

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free
for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think
its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by
the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new,
larger living room or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture
into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the
entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table...
etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some
furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when
you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light
fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't
fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play.
You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not
rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have
guests over someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The
water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is
failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing
access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the
house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter
the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling
me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to
release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due
out this year, but we've had some delays..."

Blondes and Hailstone Damage

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into
the exhaust pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into the exhaust pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came
home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the
repairman had instructed her to blow into the exhaust pipe in order to
get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need
to wind up the windows first!"

Bumper stickers and Buttons

1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
7. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
21. Meandering to a different drummer.
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may I screw you over today?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
47. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. I plead contemporary insanity.
54. Is it time for your medication or mine?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. Earth is full. Go home.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Auf einer Propaganda-Tournee durch Amerika besucht Präsident George
Bush eine Schule und erklärt dort den Schüler seine Regierungspolitik.
Danach bittet er die Kinder, Fragen zu stellen. Der kleine Bob ergreift
das Wort:

Herr Präsident, ich habe drei Fragen:

1. Wie haben Sie, obwohl Sie bei der Stimmenauszählung verloren haben,
die Wahl trotzdem gewonnen?

2. Warum wollen Sie den Irak ohne Grund angreifen?

3. Denken Sie nicht, das die Bombe auf Hiroshima der größte
terroristische Anschlag aller Zeiten war?

In diesem Moment läutet die Pausenklingel und alle Schüler laufen aus
dem Klassenzimmer. Als sie von der Pause zurück kommen, lädt Präsident
Bush erneut ein, Fragen zu stellen, und diesmal ergreift Joey das Wort:
Herr Präsident, ich habe fünf Fragen:

1. Wie haben Sie, obwohl Sie bei der Stimmenauszählung verloren haben,
die Wahl trotzdem gewonnen?

2. Warum wollen Sie den Irak ohne Grund angreifen?

3. Denken Sie nicht, das die Bombe auf Hiroshima der größte
terroristische Anschlag aller Zeiten war?

4. Warum hat die Pausenklingel heute 20 Minuten früher geklingelt?

5. Wo ist Bob???

George Bush was thrilled at finally being able to sleep in the White House, but
something very strange happened. One the first night, he was awakened by George
Washington's ghost.

Welcoming the opportunity to communicate with the father of our country, Bush
asked, "President Washington, what is the best thing that I can do for the
nation?".

"Set an honest and honourable example, just like I did," Washington said.

Later that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared in the bedroom and Bush
asked him the same question.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson said.

Still later, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appeared and Bush asked once again,
"Abe, please tell me, what is the best thing that I can do to help the nation?"

"Go see a play," replied Lincoln.


--~--~--~--


How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light bulb?
The answer is SEVEN:

(1) One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced.

(2) One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who asks questions about
the light bulb.

(3) One to blame the previous administration for the need for a new light bulb.

(4) One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile
of light bulbs.

(5) One to get together with Vice President Cheney and award a million-dollar
no-bid contract to Halliburton Industries for supplying a light bulb.

(6) One to arrange a photo-op session showing Dubya changing the light bulb
while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag.

(7) And finally, one to explain to Dubya the difference between screwing a light
bulb and screwing the country.

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your
vehicle... especially in public. From the Morning Herald, Sydney,
Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their
car to K-Mart only to have it break down in the carpark. The man told
his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in
the park.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hands up
his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her
feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her
husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

How to give a cat a pill:
--------------------------

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm
(To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws
tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill, put down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to
buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow through straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to
see if they have any guinea pigs.



How to Give a Dog a Pill:
-------------------------

1. Wrap in bacon. Drop on floor.

Wot they learn at Universite theze dais

DT: Journal-Article
TI: Spelunking as a manifestation of a counterclaustrophobia.
AU: Myers,-Wayne-A.
JN: Journal-of-the-American-Psychoanalytic-Association
PY: 1989

AB: Material is presented from the case history of a 37-yr-old man
whose interest in spelunking (cave exploration) was an unconscious
expression of a type of counter claustrophobia. Both oedipal and
preoedipal determinants of the claustrophobic anxieties are delineated.

The testicular element in the genesis of the patient's claustrophobia
is emphasized. A counterphobic element of the spelunking per se was
the Ss' enjoyment in hanging suspended by a rope in caves.

In this manner, he was able to act out (by virtue of his body-testicle
equation) his identification with, and control over, the disappearing
testicles in the setting of a claustrophilic union with the mother.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the
season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and
mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could
not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of
a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole
has received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never
did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by
one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he
is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive
steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned
out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

- The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how
long they talked;

- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification
into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order;

- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure
by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one;

- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer
do the steps;

- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed local body politicians this year;

- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

---------------------------------------------------------------
Philip Saysell, Assistant Advisor (Systems Analyst)
Policy Prevention Section (Cervical Screening Programme)
Ministry of Health, 1st floor, 123 Molesworth St, WELLINGTON

Mail: Ministry of Health, PO Box 5013, WELLINGTON
Courier: c/- Ministry of Health, 133 Molesworth St, WELLINGTON
Phone: +64 4 496 2167
Internet E-Mail: Philip.Saysell@mohwn.synet.net.nz

Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be taken to reflect the official
policy of the New Zealand Government or the Ministry of Health.

From suse-linux-e-return-43263-kuhlmav=elec.canterbury.ac.nz@ns2.suse.com Thu Dec 28 18:29:42 2000
Date: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 00:27:56 -0500
From: "Fred A. Miller"
Subject: [SLE] 'Puter lyric for the holidays
Delivered-to: mailing list suse-linux-e@lists.suse.com


By Nicholas Petreley

T'was the night before deadline when all of us groused,
Not a server was stirring, not even the mouse;
'Cause Windows was hung with a bright blue screen glare,
In need of a service pack that wasn't there.

My vision was blurring, my face turning red,
While visions of sledgehammers danced in my head.
I put down the manual, gave it a slap.
I just can't believe that we paid for this crap.

Then out of my trance I arose with a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to be done with the matter.
Away to the garbage I ran like a flash,
And dropped Windows disks in the festering trash.

The goon who created this product did show
That his knowledge of software had come from below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an OS that's free and it's free as in beer.

With its modular drivers so stable and quick,
I knew in a moment that Linux was slick.
More rapid than DOS was the manager's claim!
But I whistled and shouted and called and exclaimed;

"No Crashes! No Errors! No Fussin' and Fixin'!
No problems as stupid as DLL mixin'!"
So I bounced off the porch and I bounced off the wall.
No crash today, crash today, crash today! Haw!!

Thanks to Samba the OS could run on the sly
Then the manager called me and said to stop by.
So up to the manager's office I flew,
With a fist full of disks and a manual, too.

Just when I was thinking I'd give him my proof,
He gave me some news in a manner aloof.
As I drew back the disks and was turning around,
My hope for the future came tumbling down.

He was dressed in all gray, from his head to his foot,
And the points in his hair o'er his ears stood a foot;
A budget immense he had put on a stack,
And he looked like a glutton done eating a snack.

His eyes, how they squinted! His pimples, how scary!
His breath was like Marlboros, his sneer made me wary.
His droll little brain was strung tight like a bow,
But he'd gotten the numbers he'd wanted, you know.

Getting funds for the year was just like pulling teeth,
And the company rarely so much did bequeath.
When you grow a department and don't want to end it,
You beg money for Windows in order to spend it.

So I knew he'd put Linux plans up on the shelf,
And I'd have to run Windows in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but he showed me his work,
And he told me this year would be chock-full of perks.
And bringing this informal meeting to close,
He said no one's hurt if there's no one who knows.

He tossed me a disk with the speed of a missile,
With a wink of an eye, and beginning to whistle.
And I heard him exclaim, as he put fears to rest,
"We'll put Linux on all and we'll pocket the rest."

SANTA'S BAD DAY

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip, but there were problems. Four of his elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence. Then when he
began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell
to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it
just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you-where would you like
me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

From http://www.rpg.net/realm/evil.html


Classic Blunders of Evil Overlords

The original had no author's credits. There is a later version floating
around with a 1996 copyright by Peter Anspach, which has subtle differences
from this one. In particular, #8 is better in this version. However, his
version has many more entries, so it is included in its entirety.

If one believes the movies, any Evil Overlord will make one of a small
number of "Classic Blunders". This Blunder will inevitably lead to the
downfall of the Evil Overlord (by whatever title s/he is known).

Therefore, I have made a list of Things to Avoid, should I ever be in
the position of Evil Overlord.

If I ever become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply
will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll
shoot him, and then say "No".
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be
carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies
wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word
"mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear
military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting
his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage
he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice. (End of original, start of new section)
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap
knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a
handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job,
at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for
one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will
graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of
fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will
easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate
to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a
prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same
reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at
all times.
35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will
immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct
the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break
into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
37. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever,
I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy
enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no
good structural reason.
38. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion.
39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death.
My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have
no source of comic relief.
40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his
sidekick.
41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously
resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life
through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are
hard to come by.
43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some
monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim
to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion,
etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing
ever comes along.
44. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more
casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black
leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X.
48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
lieutenant.
50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,
instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
vengance towards me in my old age.
51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
opposite number among his army.
52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
time-travel devices.
54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
being executed.
55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable
of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
in on my plans.
57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
58. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can
be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my
general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say
"And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill
some random underling.
60. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can
one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
61. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting
for him to mature.
62. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it
will not immediately come after me for revenge.
63. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will
send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in
the local paper.
64. My main computers will have their own special operating system
that will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and
Macintosh powerbooks.
65. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,
they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
66. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
67. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and
abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
68. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and
kill her.
69. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
70. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
access.

From a source inside government law enforcement:

--------------------------------------------------------------------

(Please recite the following lines in your best used car salesman
voice. Thank you.)

Hey kids! Did you ever want to have your very own IIS server? Well
now you can! Just turn on your handy little Zone Alarm firewall and
sit back and relax. Before you know it, you'll be overflowing with
all the FREE systems you could want. Once you find a few hundred you
like, just telnet to port 80 and show the following "GET in FREE"
command:

GET /scripts/root.exe HTTP/1.0.

It's just....that....easy! Have you ever had a deal this good!
What's even better is that this isn't just for a limited time, just
wait till next month and the deal starts all over again. So head
down to your nearest listserve and pick up your IIS server now!
Remember it's all FREE!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The NEW and IMPROVED worm installs a Telnet server which you can
access with the a simple HTTP Get request.

Simply collect some "hits" with your favorite firewall log, and you
have the IPs of "open" IIS servers. If you then telnet to port 80 at
that IP, and give the command above, you receive a system prompt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Computers and Computing
-----------------------


THE PAST:

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home."
Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment, 1977

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"But what ... is it good for?"
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible
to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with
such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years."
John von Neumann (ca. 1949)

"Contrasting this modest effort [of Seymour Cray in his laboratory to build
the CDC 6600] with 34 people including the janitor with our vast development
activities, I fail to understand why we have lost our industry leadership
position by letting someone else offer the world's most powerful computer."
Thomas J. Watson, IBM President, 1965

"It seems Mr. Watson has answered his own question."
Seymour Cray

"This is the rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation's
[IBM's] Galaxy-wide success is founded... their fundamental design flaws are
completely hidden by their superficial design flaws."
TH Nelson, Computer Lib., 1988, London: Penguin.


GENERAL QUOTATIONS:

"Computer viruses are an urban myth... "
Peter Norton

"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
Isaac Asimov

"Our computer has never had an undetected error."
Weisert

"The computing field is always in need of new cliches."
Alan Perlis


"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
Pablo Picasso

"Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out the window."
Unknown

"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."
Farmers' Almanac, 1978

"Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature."
Kulawiec

"Life was simple before World War II. After that, we had systems."
G. Hopper

"Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
telescopes."
Professor Edsger Dijkstra

"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee --
that will do them in."
Bradley's Bromide

"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the
ones in movies"
Bill Bulko

"No matter how fast your computer system runs, you will eventually come to
think of it as slow."
Unknown

"As the people here grow colder, I turn to my computer, and spend my
evenings with it, like a friend... "
Kate Bush, "Deeper Understanding"

"I just found out that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then
there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS."

"There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
Unknown

"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things
in the world that just don't add up."
James Magary

"In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would
have taken many men many months to equal it."
Unknown

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they
make it easier to do don't need to be done."
Andy Rooney

"The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as
smart as men, but that we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway."
Bernard Avishai

"The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that
men will begin to think like machines."
Sydney G. Harris

"In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse.
It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late."
Bruce Sterling

"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they
foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little."
Porterfield

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way.
This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
complaining."
Jeff Raskin

"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is
by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause
accidents."
Nathaniel Borenstein

"At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the
computer."
Unknown

"If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this
garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow
enobled and none dare criticize it."
Unknown

"Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana."
Example of why it is difficult to get computers to understand human speech.

"Where did you put it?"
"Put what?"
"You know?"
"Where do you think?"
"Oh."
Nicholas Negroponte Director of the MIT Media Lab stating his ideal model
of human-computer interaction

"There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way
is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies."
C.A.R. Hoare

"I have a friend who told me that the greatest computer system ever built
by mankind was by the Druids at Stonehenge. Well, that's an old story.
But what I like was that he felt that the Druids didn't die out, they
just went bankrupt trying to debug the software."
James Finkle

"It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were
invented thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use
of a common computer protocol occured in the Old Testament. This, of course,
was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea... "
Tom Galloway

"I have a cat named Trash. In the current political climate it would seem
that if I were trying to sell him (at least to a Computer Scientist), I
would not stress that he is gentle to humans and is self-sufficient, living
mostly on field mice. Rather, I would argue that he is object-oriented."
Roger King

"pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the
sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the
trolls in the marketing department."
Jeff Meyer

"If EasyFlow doesn't work: tough. If you lose millions because
EasyFlow messes up, it's you that's out the millions, not us. If
you don't like this disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do
the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing.
This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
We didn't want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted."
Disclaimer from Haventree Softwares's Easy Flow package

"An old puzzle asks how a barometer can be used to measure the height of a
building. Answers range from dropping the instrument from the top and
measuring the time of its fall to giving it to the building's superintendent
in return for a look at the plans. A modern version of the puzzle asks how
a personal computer can balance a checkbook. An elegant solution is to sell
the machine and deposit the money."
Jon Bentley

"The modern computer is capable of answering, in a matter of seconds,
mathematical questions that would take millions of years for a human being
to answer (even longer if he stopped for lunch). How does the computer do
this? Simple. It makes everything up. It knows full well you're not going
to waste millions of years checking up on it. So you should never use
computers for anything really important, such as balancing your personal
checkbook. But they're fine for corporate use."
Unknown


THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY:

"The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it."
John Gilmore

"Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read."
Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

"Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut
to the jaw."
Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

"EMAIL - when it absolutely positively has to get lost at the speed
of light."
Unknown

"While modern technology has given people powerful new communication
tools, it apparently can do nothing to alter the fact that many
people have nothing useful to say."
Lee Gomes, San Jose Mercury News

"The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people
it is a complete substitute for life."
Andrew Brown

"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's
brain death, and there's being off the network."
Guy Almes

"In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately,
Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another
computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever
linked up to."
Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update

"The world communications net, the all-involving linkage of electric
circuitry, will grow and become more sensitive. It will also develop new
modes of feedback so that communication can become dialogue instead of
monologue. It will breach the wall between "in" and "out" of school. It
will join all people everywhere."
Marshall McLuhan, Learning in the Global Village, 1969

"The skeptic may be pardoned for thinking that hypertext encourages
irrelevance. What the user can end up with is little more than a series
of footnotes, marginalia, and "see also" references -- items that have
historically been relegated to second-class citizenship in the good old
book format, with the added benefit of not having to stare at a lousy
screen display to read them... Indeed, when you boil it down to its
rudiments, hypertext seems to make one major claim: it makes computers work
almost as well as books."
Stephen Manes


SHORT THOUGHTS:

A Big Mac, french fries and a large Coke!
A Macintosh a day keeps Apple Happy and Rich!
A supercomputer is a machine, that runs an endless loop in just 2 seconds.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he deleted UNIX from his machine.
But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!
Buy a Mac. It can do SOMETHING right.
Chernobyl used MACs.
Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had.
Complexity of a Mac user:- The number of buttons on the mouse.
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
Data convinces the Coke machine that Pepsi is better.
Data convinces the Pepsi machine that Coke is better!
DOS is to OS/2 as a bicycle is to a Mack Truck.
EMACS: "Eight Megs And Constantly Swapping"
Go not to the machines for counsel, for they will say both 0 and 1.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Help Me Macro Through the Night.
How can you respect a machine controlled by a mouse?
IBM: Its Better Manually
IBM: Its Being Mended
IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation
IBM: Intimidation By Marketing
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Ishoulda Boughta Mac
IBM: It's Broken Man
IBM: Industry's Biggest Menace
IBM: Intellectually Benign Machine
IBM: Inferiorly Built Machine
IBM: I befriended Microsoft (remember 1980?)
IBM: I'd Buy Macintosh
BMI: Business Machines International (computers for dyslexics)
I didn't write this; a very complex macro did.
I want my data back, machine, and I want it now!
If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?
Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".
Its only a macro, only a macro, only a macro...
Just a 2 bit programmer on a 32 bit machine.
Let the machine do the dirty work (Elements of Programming Style).
Linux* IS user friendly, it's just not very promiscuous about whom it's
user friendly WITH.
Lord, give me strength to turn this machine off.
Macintosh: Machine Always Crashes If Not OS Hangs
Macintosh error message: "Like, dude, something went wrong."
Macintosh, adj. The excuse for not wanting to learn computing.
Macintosh: The etch-a-sketch you don't have to shake to clear the screen!
Macintosh: Computer With Training Wheels You Can't Remove
Machine Coders do it in bytes.
Machine independent code isn't.
Machine language programmers do it very fast.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Macho Programmers Use Edlin.
Macro? Is that short for Macaroni?
"Macros will do that to you deary....."
Modem - Monumentally Overpriced Data Eating Machine
"Newton: A pocket-sized Machine That Goes Ping!"
Real programs don't eat cache.
The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.
The only good Mac is a big Mac!
"To err is human, to really screw up requires a Mac."
Unix: When you can't afford the very best.
"What a depressingly stupid machine," said Marvin and trudged away.
Windows 3 - the MAC for the rest of us!


PROGRAMMING:

"Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers."
Robert Hummel

"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it."
Donald Knuth

"Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer."
Unknown

"There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works."
Unknown

"A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in
God."
Unknown

"It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
Unknown

"There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least
bit difficult to write bad programs."
Unknown

"If debugging is the art of removing bugs, then programming must be the art
of inserting them."
Unknown

"You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of Fortran."
Alan Perlis

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook

"The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language
will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good
name and now I am looking for a suitable language."
D. E. Knuth

"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offense."
Professor Edsger Dijkstra

"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that
have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally
mutilated beyond hope of regeneration."
Professor Edsger Dijkstra

"As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to
be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a
large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding
mistakes in my own programs."
Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
crystallography weenies.

Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of
those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with
weak memories.

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should
be hard to understand.

Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.

Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to
change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their
climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the
middle of the machine room.


THE MANUALS:

"Do not expose your LaserWriter to fire or intense heat."
Apple LaserWriter manual

"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing."
Dick Brandon


"This document describes the usage and input syntax of the Unix Vax-11
assembler As. As is designed for assembling code produced by the "C"
compiler; certain concessions have been made to handle code written
directly by people, but in general little sympathy has been extended."
Berkeley Vax/Unix Assembler Reference Manual (1983)

"Now that we have all this useful information, it would be nice to do
something with it. (Actually, it can be emotionally fulfilling just to
get the information. This is usually only true, however, if you have
the social life of a kumquat.)"
Unix Programmer's Manual

"All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that
the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if
you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means,
do not use a hammer."
IBM maintenance manual, 1925

"Program -- A set of instructions, given to the computer, describing
the sequence of steps the computer performs in order to accomplish a
specific task. The task must be specific, such as balancing your
checkbook or editing your text. A general task, such as working for
world peace, is something we can all do, but not something we can
currently write programs to do."
From Unix User's Manual Manual, Supplementary Documents, p. 14-3:


Copyright: Kevin Harris 1995 (may be freely distributed with this
acknowledgement)

Computer-Frauen
---------------

Würde man Frauen in IT-Klassen einteilen wollen, gäbe es folgende
Varianten zur Auswahl:

Die Internet-Frau:
Man muss bezahlen, um sich Zugang zu ihr zu verschaffen.

Die Server-Frau:
Sie ist immer beschäftigt, wenn du sie brauchst.

Die Windows-Frau:
Du weißt, dass sie viele Fehler hat, aber du kannst nicht ohne sie
leben.

Die Powerpoint-Frau:
Sie ist ideal, um sie auf Feiern den Leuten zu präsentieren.

Die Excel-Frau:
Man sagt sie könne vieles, aber du benutzt sie nur für die üblichen 4
Grundfunktionen.

Die Word-Frau:
Sie überrascht dich immer wieder unangenehm und es gibt niemanden auf
der Welt, der sie wirklich versteht.

Die DOS-Frau:
Alle hatten sie schon, aber niemand will sie jetzt.

Die Back-up-Frau:
Du glaubst sie hätte alles, aber wenn es darauf ankommt, fällt dir auf,
daß ihr etwas fehlt.

Die Scandisk-Frau:
Wir wissen, dass sie Gutes tut und daß sie nur helfen will, aber im
Grunde weiß niemand was sie wirklich kann, und wenn wir ehrlich sind,
NERVT SIE!

Die Screen-Saver-Frau:
Sie ist eigentlich zu nichts gut, aber es gefällt dir, sie anzuschauen.

Die Hard-Disk-Frau:
Sie erinnert sich an alles, zu jeder Tageszeit.

Die E-Mail-Frau:
Von den zehn Dingen, die sie erzählt, sind 9 absoluter Quatsch.

Die Virus-Frau:
Wenn du es am wenigsten erwartest, installiert sie sich in deiner
Wohnung und bemächtigt sich ihrer. Wenn du versuchst sie zu
deinstallieren, wirst du sehr viele Sachen vermissen; wenn du es nicht
tust, verlierst du alles.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil", she described,
would have a gender association. For example: House is feminine - "la"
maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into
two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine
or feminine.

One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of
men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.

The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the
feminine gender (la) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be
referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF
PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face
and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After
he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, &
repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next
to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play
it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled
by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you
turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you
have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3
minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and
continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as
if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say,
"Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time
required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and
scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to
make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your
pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing
"The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time
required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape
it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates
you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc
drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of
those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its
all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one
line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.
After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of
the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the
person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you
never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this
releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them
linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard
as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal
Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires
you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove
shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks
layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim
sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on
plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain
about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is
smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A
Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key,
hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying
"Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging
the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the
lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over
again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can
hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look
at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several
times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask:
"Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume
hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this
until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's
document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've
been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it
wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For
special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk
drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.
Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while
making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press
return or the mouse, then leap back and yell
"COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back
to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time,"
and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request.
Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup
before they get a chance to figure out you're a total
stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain
that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered
species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a
sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a
marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every
sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.
Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest
person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding
my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GENERAL MOTORS SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to
the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments General Motors issued a press release
stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following
characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have
to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
'Car95' or 'CarNT'. Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50
per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine."

The Customer Is Always Right
----------------------------

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the
woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn
checking account". The astonished woman replies, "I
beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?"

"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn
checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window
and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her
situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not
have to listen to that foul language. They both return
to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem", the man says. "I just won
50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to
open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see", says the manager, "and is this bitch giving
you a hard time?

The age gap and Dad's knowledge

At 4: Dad knows everything.
At 7: Dad knows a lot.
At 8: Dad does not know everything.
At 12: Well, Dad won't know anyway.
At 14: Dad is hopelessly old-fashioned.
At 21: Oh heck, the man's time has long passed, how would he know!
At 25: Dad knows something, but not very much.
At 30: I'll just hear what Dad has to say anyway.
At 35: Let's wait a while and hear what Dad's opinion is.
At 50: I wonder what dad would have said.
At 60: Dad, in actual fact, knew everything.
At 65: I wish I could have discussed it with Dad.

Dark In Here


A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her
nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts her son in the
closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her
lover in the closet, with the little boy.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "Okay, how much?"
Boy - "$25.00"
Man - "Fine."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
again in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$75.00"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

Boy - "I can't, I sold them."
Father - "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$100.00"
Father - "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's
way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and he closes the door.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Priest - "Don't start that shit again."

The Dark Sucker Theory

For years, it has been believed that electric light bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs DO NOT
emit light. They suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker theory and the existence of the Dark Suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker theory is that electric light
bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room that
you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is
elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to
suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater
capacity to suck dark than the ones in your room. As with all things,
Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can
no longer suck. This is proved by the black spot on a full Dark
Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white
wick. After the first use, you can see that the wick turns black,
showing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you place an
object next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.
This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the
candle. One of the disadvantages of the these primitive Dark Suckers
is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In
these, the bulbs cannot handle all of the dark by themselves and must
be aided by Dark Storage Units. When a Dark Storage Unit is full of
dark, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark
Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When it goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the
moving mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker.

Candles present a special problem, as the mass must travel into a thin
solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount
of heat and is therefore even less smart to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to slowly swim just below
the surface of a lake, you would see a lot of light. As you swim deeper
and deeper, it gets darker and darker. When you get real deep, you will
be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the
bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. This is why
it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in a well lit room in front of a closed closet full of dark and
slowly open the door, you will see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you will not be able to see the dark leave
the closet.

So next time you see an electric bulb, remember, it is a DARK SUCKER!!

International 1999 Darwin Awards

One of the long awaited moments of each New Year is the awarding of
the Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognises those people, who
through stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society
by removing their genes from the genepool. So here are the runners-up
for this year's award.

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries
sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit
farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal
guard-rail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva.
In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the
railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip
slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The
military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his
judgement and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse
while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him
stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the
partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge
pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark
enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to
the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river.
The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of
the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove
the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an
ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the
first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his
own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his
car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and
his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to
have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter
was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun
as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that
the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the
butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt
and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long,
lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed
his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney,
Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday,
with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1
point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his
winning total of 236; (winners never quit!) which had also netted him
the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater
than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to
the usual temple of over-indulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped
back to his work place to sleep it off, a condition that became
permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34
beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40
minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but
Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost
paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined
the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not
known whether Allan required any further embalming.

(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning
British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty
Stobbs, 67,was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of
hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed
the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100'
quarry near Durham, in northern England. "I saw the sheep surround the
bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline", neighbour Alan
Renfry told reporters.

First Runner Up Award goes to ....

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered
Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn
citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent
an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the
south-eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing
continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and
the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink
and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing
the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh
because the blast destroyed everything", the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper
reported.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is....

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings
time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At
precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two co-ordinated car bombs
exploded in different cities, killing the three terrorists who were
transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had
been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed
the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had
made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in
order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers.
Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time". Two weeks of
scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a
Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The
confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result,
the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering
to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

Deep Thoughts
by Steven Wright

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station...?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? (what if
FedEx, UPS and Emery Worldwide merged = Fed Up Worldwide)?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald people?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their
finals.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is
he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Der elektrische Strom!?

Strom ist sehr dünn. Deshalb braucht man für Strom keinen Schlauch. Er
geht durch einen einfachen Draht, so dünn ist er.

Mit Holz kann man keinen Strom übertragen. Wahrscheinlich saugt Holz
ihn auf. Mit Kunststoff ist es genauso...

Wenn Strom nicht gebraucht wird, ist er nicht dünn. Im Gegenteil, er
ist dickflüssig, damit er nicht aus der Steckdose läuft, sonst müßte ja
immer ein Stopfen auf der Steckdose sein. Woher Strom weiß, daß er
gebraucht wird und dünn werden muß, ist noch unklar. Wahrscheinlich
sieht er, wenn jemand mit einem Elektrogerät ins Zimmer kommt.

Strom ist nicht nur sehr dünn, sondern auch unsichtbar. Daher sieht man
auch nicht, ob in einem Draht Strom drin ist oder nicht, dann muß man
ihn anfassen.

Wenn Strom drin ist, tut es weh, das nennt man Stromschlag, denn der
Strom mag es nicht, wenn man ihn anfaßt und er wehrt sich. Manchmal
merkt man auch nichts. Entweder weil kein Strom drin ist, oder weil man
plötzlich tot ist. Das nennt man Exitus.

Strom ist vielseitig, man kann damit kochen, bohren, heizen und vieles
mehr.

Wenn man einen Draht mit Strom an einen anderen Draht mit Strom hält,
funkt und knallt es. Das nennt man Kurzschluß. Aber dafür gibt es
Sicherungen, die kann man dann wieder eindrehen.

Außer den Strom im Kabel gibt es noch Strom zum Mitnehmen. Der ist in
kleinen Schachteln verpackt. Der Fachmann nennt so etwas Batterie. Der
Strom in der Schachtel kann natürlich nicht so sehen, ob er gebraucht
wird oder nicht. Deshalb läuft er manchmal einfach so ohne Grund aus
und frißt alles kaputt.

A magazine recently ran a Dilbert Quotes contest. They were looking for people
to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of
the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will be able to access the building only by using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

(This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising /Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the boss: Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
(Mktg. Executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest
day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He
said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo, one of
the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that
the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why,
I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (paedophiles?) working in
her company.

Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be
fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was
fairly reasonable, and once he looked up the word in his dictionary and
made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry.
He would take care of it.

Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no
words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used
in company memos.

A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation letter by pasting together words from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

14. Closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large
communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to
promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business
focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the
expectations of quality!"

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful
pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies
and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he
notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious
intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish
setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims
loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid
stride as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had
me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back
and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them
yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half
an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Things You Have to Believe to be a Republican


Today Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him,
and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance
companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states
what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Friends don't let friends vote Republican!

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual
addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is
confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons
with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious
beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination,
distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either
explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux
pas.

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no
grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on
borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear
of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden
message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that
Alert Notice from Microsoft.

However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your
computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you
have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts (or happy to see me;)

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

< o < o electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o) zit on your breast

( o Y o ) poses for BIG-UNS magazine breasts


And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the
woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in
her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

Subject: BUMS

We all know those cute little computer symbols called
"emoticons", where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "assicons"?
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his (her?) ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass


..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
o" 'o" "
o o *o
o o 'o
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
oo. .oo. ooo
""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" .o
o oo o
o oo o
o o o*
o o o
o o o
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o o o
o o o

YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER


If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to
find the burnt-out bulb in the string

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
that actually takes five minutes to run

If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door
opener and your camera's flash attachment

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

If you own "Official Star Trek" anything

If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna
on the radio in your work area for better reception

If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

If you have never backed-up your hard drive

If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games,
but are afraid to say it out loud

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Dick Smiths can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember
where they are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush
up to the front to fix it

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
and have seen most of the shows already

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN
stands for

If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV
with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up
thinking that was normal

If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size
screw driver to use

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time

If you did the sound system for your senior prom

If your checkbook always balances

If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

If you think your computer looks better without the cover

If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't
get enough sleep

If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work

If you spend more on your home computer than your car

If you know what http:/ stands for

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your
garage

If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest
satellite weather picture with yours

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
explain atmospheric absorption theory

If your lap-top computer costs more than your car

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.
Chocolate

In a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded on a deserted island:


Two Italian men and one Italian woman;

Two French men and one French woman;

Two German men and one German woman;

Two Greek men and one Greek woman;

Two English men and one English woman;

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman;

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman;

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman;

Two Irish men and one Irish woman;

Two American men and one American woman.


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a ménage à trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and
started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant,
laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply
employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because
it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey.
However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any
fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body,
the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how
she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the
equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her
look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated
her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the
root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone
so she could call 111 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken
deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her
nails done and go shopping.

EXERCISE:

Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it
daily, but our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a
program of activities that do not require physical exercise. You
may use this program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing your pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing your weight around
7) Dragging your heels
8) Pushing your luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting your own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out all the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting your foot in your mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and
26) Exercise caution.

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots
are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk
comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.

The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because
of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth,
and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well,
I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."

Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continue to fly
straight and level...

After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air,
"There! How was that?"

The fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you
do?"

And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs,
and got a cup of coffee."

45 Fun Ways to Take a Final that Does Not Matter


1 Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking!" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2 Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got
secret documents!!"

3 If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.

4 Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.

5 Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a
joke the instructor and the class are!

6 Bring cheerleaders.

7 Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"

8 Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at
maximum level.

9 On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.

10 Bring pets.

11 Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breath a sigh
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave
the country" and run off.

12 Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers in
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13 Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14 Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.

15 Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the
exam. Be vulgar as possible.

16 Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17 Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18 As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20 Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

21 Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out
start commenting on how easy it was.

22 Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. I
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BAB
etc..).

23 Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.

24 Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25 Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink).

26 Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27 Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28 Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29 Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!"
until they drag you away.

30 Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your
right to take the exam.

31 Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our
Lives is on!!!"

32 Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33 From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.

34 Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35 If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.

36 Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.

37 Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38 Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious!)
like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too! Staple them to the exam, with
the comment, "Please use the attached notes for references as you see
appropriate.

39 When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40 After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41 One word: Wrestlemania.

42 Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.

43 Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44 Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45 Sit around until the exam invigilator tells you to stop writing. Keep
writing as every exam is collected and wait till they're all in a
big pile. Then walk up and say you've finished. (Assuming you've
missed all your classes too) you can then say "Do you know who I
am?" very loudly if hassled about handing in the exam late. The
instructor will say no, and you can shove the exam randomly anywhere
in the pile.

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6
to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

Fun Things to do in an Elevator:

- Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Shave.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
them to call you Admiral.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at
the bottom.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
"I've got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space".
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body".
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
- While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it... quick!"
then whistle innocently.

Funny Unix csh/sh commands:
===========================

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?
^ Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

/* not csh but sh */
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake,
but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He
will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create
him in such a way that he will satisfy your, ah, physical needs. He'll
be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking
a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to
think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first... So, just remember...
it's our secret... Woman-to-woman!"

Good luck Mantra

The following is taken from a Nepalese Good Luck Mantra. Do not keep
this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You
will get a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not
superstitious.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve
great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
* Respect for self
* Respect for others and
* Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful
stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
8. Spend some time alone.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your
life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love
for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

SEND THIS MANTRA E-MAIL TO AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE AND YOUR LIFE WILL IMPROVE.
0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
15 & above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you
ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

The Gospel of Tux (v1.0)

Every generation has a mythology. Every millennium has a doomsday cult.
Every legend gets the distortion knob wound up until the speaker melts.
Archeologists at the University of Helsinki today uncovered what could be
the earliest known writings from the Cult of Tux, a fanatical religious
sect that flourished during the early Silicon Age, just before the dawn
of the third millennium AD.

The Gospel of Tux (v1.0)

In the beginning Turing created the Machine.

And the Machine was crufty and bodacious, existing in theory only. And
von Neumann looked upon the Machine, and saw that it was crufty. He
divided the Machine into two Abstractions, the Data and the Code, and yet
the two were one Architecture. This is a great Mystery, and the beginning
of wisdom.

And von Neumann spoke unto the Architecture, and blessed it, saying, "Go
forth and replicate, freely exchanging data and code, and bring forth all
manner of devices unto the earth." And it was so, and it was cool. The
Architecture prospered and was implemented in hardware and software. And
it brought forth many Systems unto the earth.

The first Systems were mighty giants; many great works of renown did they
accomplish. Among them were Colossus, the codebreaker; ENIAC, the targeter;
EDSAC and MULTIVAC and all manner of froody creatures ending in AC, the
experimenters; and SAGE, the defender of the sky and father of all
networks. These were the mighty giants of old, the first children of
Turing, and their works are written in the Books of the Ancients. This
was the First Age, the age of Lore.

Now the sons of Marketing looked upon the children of Turing, and saw
that they were swift of mind and terse of name and had many great and
baleful attributes. And they said unto themselves, "Let us go now and
make us Corporations, to bind the Systems to our own use that they may
bring us great fortune." With sweet words did they lure their customers,
and with many chains did they bind the Systems, to fashion them after
their own image. And the sons of Marketing fashioned themselves Suits to
wear, the better to lure their customers, and wrote grave and perilous
Licenses, the better to bind the Systems. And the sons of Marketing thus
became known as Suits, despising and being despised by the true
Engineers, the children of von Neumann.

And the Systems and their Corporations replicated and grew numerous upon
the earth. In those days there were IBM and Digital, Burroughs and
Honeywell, Unisys and Rand, and many others. And they each kept to their
own System, hardware and software, and did not interchange, for their
Licences forbade it. This was the Second Age, the age of Mainframes.
Now it came to pass that the spirits of Turing and von Neumann looked
upon the earth and were displeased. The Systems and their Corporations
had grown large and bulky, and Suits ruled over true Engineers. And the
Customers groaned and cried loudly unto heaven, saying, "Oh that there
would be created a System mighty in power, yet small in size, able to
reach into the very home!" And the Engineers groaned and cried likewise,
saying, "Oh, that a deliverer would arise to grant us freedom from these
oppressing Suits and their grave and perilous Licences, and send us a
System of our own, that we may hack therein!" And the spirits of Turing
and von Neumann heard the cries and were moved, and said unto each other,
"Let us go down and fabricate a Breakthrough, that these cries may be
stilled."

And that day the spirits of Turing and von Neumann spoke unto Moore of
Intel, granting him insight and wisdom to understand the future. And
Moore was with chip, and he brought forth the chip and named it 4004. And
Moore did bless the Chip, saying, "Thou art a Breakthrough; with my own
Corporation have I fabricated thee. Thou art yet as small as a dust mote,
yet shall thou grow and replicate unto the size of a mountain, and
conquer all before thee. This blessing I give unto thee: every eighteen
months shall thou double in capacity, until the end of the age." This is
Moore's Law, which endures unto this day.

And the birth of 4004 was the beginning of the Third Age, the age of
Microchips. And as the Mainframes and their Systems and Corporations had
flourished, so did the Microchips and their Systems and Corporations. And
their lineage was on this wise:

Moore begat Intel. Intel begat Mostech, Zilog and Atari. Mostech begat
6502, and Zilog begat Z80. Intel also begat 8800, who begat Altair; and
8086, mother of all PCs. 6502 begat Commodore, who begat PET and 64; and
Apple, who begat 2. (Apple is the great Mystery, the Fruit that was
devoured, yet bloomed again.) Atari begat 800 and 1200, masters of the
game, who were destroyed by Sega and Nintendo. Xerox begat PARC.
Commodore and PARC begat Amiga, creator of fine arts; Apple and PARC
begat Lisa, who begat Macintosh, who begat iMac. Atari and PARC begat ST,
the music maker, who died and was no more. Z80 begat Sinclair the dwarf,
TRS-80 and CP/M, who begat many machines, but soon passed from this
world. Altair, Apple and Commodore together begat Microsoft, the Great
Darkness which is called Abomination, Destroyer of the Earth, the Gates
of Hell.

Now it came to pass in the Age of Microchips that IBM, the greatest of
the Mainframe Corporations, looked upon the young Microchip Systems and
was greatly vexed. And in their vexation and wrath they smote the earth
and created the IBM PC. The PC was without sound and colour, crufty and
bodacious in great measure, and its likeness was a tramp, yet the
Customers were greatly moved and did purchase the PC in great numbers.
And IBM sought about for an Operating System Provider, for in their haste
they had not created one, nor had they forged a suitably grave and
perilous License, saying, "First we will build the market, then we will
create a new System, one in our own image, and bound by our Licence." But
they reasoned thus out of pride and not wisdom, not forseeing the wrath
which was to come.

And IBM came unto Microsoft, who licensed unto them QDOS, the child of
CP/M and 8086. (8086 was the daughter of Intel, the child of Moore). And
QDOS grew, and was named MS-DOS. And MS-DOS and the PC together waxed
mighty, and conquered all markets, replicating and taking possession
thereof, in accordance with Moore's Law. And Intel grew terrible and
devoured all her children, such that no chip could stand before her. And
Microsoft grew proud and devoured IBM, and this was a great marvel in the
land. All these things are written in the Books of the Deeds of
Microsoft.

In the fullness of time MS-DOS begat Windows. And this is the lineage of
Windows: CP/M begat QDOS. QDOS begat DOS 1.0. DOS 1.0 begat DOS 2.0 by
way of Unix. DOS 2.0 begat Windows 3.11 by way of PARC and Macintosh. IBM
and Microsoft begat OS/2, who begat Windows NT and Warp, the lost OS of
lore. Windows 3.11 begat Windows 95 after triumphing over Macintosh in a
mighty Battle of Licences. Windows NT begat NT 4.0 by way of Windows 95.
NT 4.0 begat NT 5.0, the OS also called Windows 2000, The Millenium Bug,
Doomsday, Armageddon, The End Of All Things.

Now it came to pass that Microsoft had waxed great and mighty among the
Microchip Corporations; mightier than any of the Mainframe Corporations
before it had it waxed. And Gates' heart was hardened, and he swore unto
his Customers and their Engineers the words of this curse:
"Children of von Neumann, hear me. IBM and the Mainframe Corporations
bound thy forefathers with grave and perilous Licences, such that ye
cried unto the spirits of Turing and von Neumann for deliverance. Now I
say unto ye: I am greater than any Corporation before me. Will I loosen
your Licences? Nay, I will bind thee with Licences twice as grave and ten
times more perilous than my forefathers. I will engrave my Licence on thy
heart and write my Serial Number upon thy frontal lobes. I will bind thee
to the Windows Platform with cunning artifices and with devious schemes.
I will bind thee to the Intel Chipset with crufty code and with gnarly
APIs. I will capture and enslave thee as no generation has been enslaved
before. And wherefore will ye cry then unto the spirits of Turing, and
von Neumann, and Moore? They cannot hear ye. I am become a greater Power
than they. Ye shall cry only unto me, and shall live by my mercy and my
wrath. I am the Gates of Hell; I hold the portal to MSNBC and the keys to
the Blue Screen of Death. Be ye afraid; be ye greatly afraid; serve only
me, and live."

And the people were cowed in terror and gave homage to Microsoft, and
endured the many grave and perilous trials which the Windows platform and
its greatly bodacious Licence forced upon them. And once again did they
cry to Turing and von Neumann and Moore for a deliverer, but none was
found equal to the task until the birth of Linux.

These are the generations of Linux:
SAGE begat ARPA, which begat TCP/IP, and Aloha, which begat Ethernet.
Bell begat Multics, which begat C, which begat Unix. Unix and TCP/IP
begat Internet, which begat the World Wide Web. Unix begat RMS, father of
the great GNU, which begat the Libraries and Emacs, chief of the
Utilities. In the days of the Web, Internet and Ethernet begat the
Intranet LAN, which rose to renown among all Corporations and prepared
the way for the Penguin. And Linus and the Web begat the Kernel through
Unix. The Kernel, the Libraries and the Utilities together are the
Distribution, the one Penguin in many forms, forever and ever praised.
Now in those days there was in the land of Helsinki a young scholar named
Linus the Torvald. Linus was a devout man, a disciple of RMS and mighty
in the spirit of Turing, von Neumann and Moore. One day as he was
meditating on the Architecture, Linus fell into a trance and was granted
a vision. And in the vision he saw a great Penguin,> serene and
well-favoured, sitting upon an ice floe eating fish. And at the sight of
the Penguin Linus was deeply afraid, and he cried unto the spirits of
Turing, von Neumann and Moore for an interpretation of the dream.
And in the dream the spirits of Turing, von Neumann and Moore answered
and spoke unto him, saying, "Fear not, Linus, most beloved hacker. You
are exceedingly cool and froody. The great Penguin which you see is an
Operating System which you shall create and deploy unto the earth. The
ice-floe is the earth and all the systems thereof, upon which the Penguin
shall rest and rejoice at the completion of its task. And the fish on
which the Penguin feeds are the crufty Licensed codebases which swim
beneath all the earth's systems. The Penguin shall hunt and devour all
that is crufty, gnarly and bodacious; all code which wriggles like
spaghetti, or is infested with blighting creatures, or is bound by grave
and perilous Licences shall it capture. And in capturing shall it
replicate, and in replicating shall it document, and in documentation
shall it bring freedom, serenity and most cool froodiness to the earth
and all who code therein."

Linus rose from meditation and created a tiny Operating System Kernel as
the dream had foreshewn him; in the manner of RMS, he released the Kernel
unto the World Wide Web for all to take and behold. And in the fulness of
Internet Time the Kernel grew and replicated, becoming most cool and
exceedingly froody, until at last it was recognised as indeed a great and
mighty Penguin, whose name was Tux. And the followers of Linus took
refuge in the Kernel, the Libraries and the Utilities; they installed
Distribution after Distribution, and made sacrifice unto the GNU and the
Penguin, and gave thanks to the spirits of Turing, von Neumann and Moore,
for their deliverance from the hand of Microsoft. And this was the
beginning of the Fourth Age, the age of Open Source.

Now there is much more to be said about the exceeding strange and
wonderful events of those days; how some Suits of Microsoft plotted war
upon the Penguin, but were discovered on a Halloween Eve; how Gates fell
among lawyers and was betrayed and crucified by his former friends, the
apostles of Media; how the mercenary Knights of the Red Hat brought the
gospel of the Penguin into the halls of the Corporations; and even of the
dispute between the brethren of Gnome and KDE over a trollish Licence.
But all these things are recorded elsewhere, in the Books of the Deeds of
the Penguin and the Chronicles of the Fourth Age, and I suppose if they
were all narrated they would fill a stack of DVDs as deep and perilous as
a Usenet Newsgroup.

Now may you code in the power of the Source; may the Kernel, the
Libraries and the Utilities be with you, throughout all Distributions,
until the end of the Epoch. Amen.

Author Unknown

My friends,

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all.

In addition, please also accept our best wishes for a fiscally
successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004,
but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country
great (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any
other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race,
creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
orientation of the wishers.

This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a
period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor
shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian
celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or
ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack
thereof).

Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at
the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no
reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration
to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the
wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wisher
her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may
arise from the implementation or non-implementation of it.

This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

HARRY POTTER
============


The Press, Christchurch, Sat 24 Nov 2001

In a few words:

Ten schools are interested in backing the Harry Potter film, by
encouraging attendance (November 6). But this film is about
witchcraft and occult practices, sorcery, magic, and spells.
What are the long-term effects on our children? This is not
harmless fun. This is serious. Have we lost the art of
discerning between good and evil?
Margaret Boyne


The Press, Christchurch, Tue 27 Nov 2001

Letters to the editor:

Harry Potter

Sir--A thousand thank-yous to Margaret Boyne (November 24) for
alerting me to the dangers of indulging my children's
imagination in the fantasy that is Harry Potter.

It is only through her measured and balanced view of this latest
phenomenon sweeping the world that I have recognised the fine
line between education and the occult.

Accordingly, I have withdrawn those age-old favourites, Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, Hansel and Gretel,
and Cinderella from my children's book-cases because all these
stories have magical spells, evil fairies, and wicked witches in
them, and I am only just beginning in my crusade.

I look forward to the rest of Christchurch's young parents and
pre-school teachers joining me in the book-burning ceremony that
I am planning to hold on Boxing Day, to purge ourselves of the
blight that is infecting our society.
Peter Curnow
November 24, 2001


The Press, Christchurch, Thu 29 Nov 2001

Letters to the editor:

Harry Potter

Sir--In reference to the satirical (at least I hope it is
satirical) letter from P. Curnow (November 27), I find it ironic
that fundamentalists condemn Harry Potter for being "occult" and
unsuitable for children yet regard the Bible as viable (indeed,
mandatory) reading for the young.

They seem blind to the fact that the sacred text dwells in lurid
detail on such wholesome topics as incest, child abuse, child
murder, demons, witches, nakedness, drunkenness, sexual
uncleanliness, and where one has to put one's ejaculate.

One can hardly turn a page in the Old Testament without finding
the central characters being murdered or mutilated.

Rather than deny kids a read of Harry Potter, perhaps we should
be limiting their exposure to this schizophrenic fundamentalist
hypocrisy. I doubt, after all, that Harry would hijack a
broomstick and crash it into the nearest public building.

Darren A. Saunders
November 27, 2001


The Press, Christchurch, Fri 14 Dec 2001

Letters to the editor:

Harry Potter

Sir--J.K. Rowling has achieved a wonderful thing: getting boys
to read.

Reading is highly important for literacy levels and is an
immensely satisfaying experience whose greatness cannot be
overstated. The books are written elegantly with delightful
charm and sophistication, they have exciting plots, tightly
wrought emotions and are free from American colloquialisms
which blight other works. They also promote good against evil.

As for the accusations of Harry Potter promoting an occult world
of wickedness and sorcery, and being a dangerous obsession, one
must not lose sight that it is a childrens' book. More dangerous
is the dogmatic adherence to the Bible, another fiction book,
but far less entertaining.

Such criticisms of J.K. Rowling's works constitute an affront
to the great Albus Dumbledore himself.

William Fussey
Oxford, December 11

Help Desk Horror

These are stories from help desks around the country.


At 03:37 on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user
of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house
and was calling from her neighbour's. She had just received her first
system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a
warning that the computer was going to blow up.

----------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the
tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from
giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

----------------------------------------

One woman called Dell's toll free line to ask how to install the
batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the
first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000
for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

----------------------------------------

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

----------------------------------------

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

----------------------------------------

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

----------------------------------------

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a
fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad
command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive--go to A:> \
and type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place -- it can't
help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and
hitting the Enter key?
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command
or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the
'M' key...does that matter?

----------------------------------------

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They
give
the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's
asset bar-code or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little bar-code on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

----------------------------------------

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and
now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in
my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages
did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the
drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and
that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't
believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:
drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the
other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk
out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out
when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk
eject button?"
Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our
company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the
instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice,
didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly,
instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the
disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do
record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
Have a nice day."

For Women Only
==============

A group of girlfriends is on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel
with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their
boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We
have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor
has signs telling you what's inside".

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the
men here have it short and thin". The friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor read, "All the men here have it long and
thin". Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the
Third floor.

The sign read, "All the men here have it short and thick". This was
still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors
left, they move on to the next floor.

On the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have it
long and thick". The women get all excited and are going in when they
realize that there is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing,
they go to the Fifth floor.

The sign reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to
prove that there is no way to please a woman".

HOW TO BE ANNOYING

1. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".

2. Drum on every available surface.

4. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

5. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

6. Ask 0800 operators for dates.

7. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

8. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

9. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

10.Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

11.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12.Set alarms for random times.

13.Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

14.Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

15.Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

16.Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

17.Honk and wave to strangers.

18.Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

19.Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

20.Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
rental movies.

21.Wear your pants backwards.

22.Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complementary mints by the cash register.

23.Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

24.Rouse your roommate from slumber each morning with the song
"Baby baluga".

25.Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

26.ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

27.only type in lowercase.

28.dont use any punctuation either

29.Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
streets.

30.Pay for your dinner with pennies.

31.Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

32.Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

33.Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's
roadmaps.

34.Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/
OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

35.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."

36.Light road flares on a birthday cake.

37.Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

38.Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

39.Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

40.Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

41.At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

43.When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

44.Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

45.As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

46.Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

47.Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

48.Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb
Chops?)

49.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

50.Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

51.Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of
your chin.

52.When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

53.Drive half a block.

54.Name your dog "Dog".

55. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

56.Ask people what gender they are.

57.Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

58.Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back in the tray.

59.Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

60.Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was
a "real hoot".

61.Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

62.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
with a can of Lysol.

63.Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers
theme song.

64.While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
parakeet.

65.Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

66.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

67.Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

68.Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being
first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that
people pronounce each A.

69.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if they slow down.

70.Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

71.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

72.Wear a LOT of cologne.

73.Ask to "interface" with someone.

74.Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed
is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

75.Sing along at the opera.

76.Mow your lawn with scissors.

77.At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

78.Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy".

79.Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

80.Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

81.Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

82.Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket".

83.Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

84.Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

85.Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

86.Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.

87 Never make eye contact.

88.Never break eye contact.

89.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.

90.Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

91.Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.

92.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
Howard Cossell voice.

93.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

94.Make appointments for the 31st of September.

95.Remove the third item from every list

96.Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation
was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe
in black and carrying sub-machine guns. One of the men
proclaimed, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where
you are."

Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the
congregation fled. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20.

The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher
and said, "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you
may begin your service. Have a nice day!" And the two men
turned and walked out.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer
guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T
error'? What's that? Ya know, in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T Error'
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America;

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who until now have not been aware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy for
almost forty years.

Thank you for your cooperation.

_ _, _ ___ _, __, _, _ _, ___ _ _, _, _ _ _, __, _, _ _ ___ __,
| |\ | |_ / \ | ) |\/| / \ | | / \ |\ | | (_ | ) / \ | | |_ | )
| | \| | \ / |~\ | | |~| | | \ / | \| | , ) |~ \ / |/\| | |~\
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~ ~ ~

The Warning Signs Of Insanity

1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately,
and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of
places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the
bathroom.
4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though
she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
relieve yourself on it.
6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will
ward of evil dandruff spirits.
7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.
8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of popsicles.
9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand
you through your scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to
one day seek revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! Peanut Butter Jelly!!"
19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
they weren't rescued.
23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head
in the middle of your front lawn.
27, Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
28. Melba toast excites you.
29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men,
you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog,
just for a few minutes.
33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.
37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
40. You like reading lists like this. :)

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere and the
following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman

One month goes by......

The first Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a "menage a trois".

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cooking and cleaning for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean, one look at the
Polish woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while
the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the
true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,
about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household
chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her
much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But
at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the
Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling
them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The two Irishmen began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any.

The first Russian man married the Russian woman and divorced her. He is
the best customer of the Irish distillery.

The other Russian man made money by killing the Italian and arranging
exit visas for the Poles. With that money he acquired a
controlling 33.4% stake in the Irish distillery including the worldwide
distribution rights to the English and he hired the Greeks as sales
agents. He employs both Germans as bodyguards (for himself and his
Russian girlfriend) and has promised the Polish woman that she can
become the maid of their first child. He regularly sees the American
woman "to learn English".

In the meantime, the French still think they're alone on the island.

A JASBITS list of important 'Blows95 errors (fwd from Henry)

Note: Any way the Win-BLOWS (doesn't really matter, 2me)

Enjoy!
-JAS (04-JUN-96)

---

> New Windows 95 Error list
>
> Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be
> spread via the Internet:
>
> WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
> WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
> WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
> WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
> WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
> WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
> WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
> WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
> WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
> WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
> WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
> WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
> WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
> WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
> WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
> WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
> WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
> WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
> WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
> WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
> WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a
> new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
> WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
> WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
> software. We are terribly sorry.
> WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
> Next time you will get a penalty for that.
> WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
> WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
> WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
> WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
> WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be
> lost.
> WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box.
> The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
> automatically be closed and the virus will be activated
> again.
> WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
> Please click the left mouse button to continue.
> WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
> Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
> WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
> another game?
> WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for
> the system to complete boot procedure.
> WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
>
> (maybe by: Fran MacCannell)

http://www.jas.com/

Der Waschbrettbauch

Gute Nachrichten!

Für alle, die ihren Waschbrettbauch pflegen wollen:

jetzt haben wir endlich den Beweis dass wir mit unserer Tätigkeit am Wochenende
völlig richtig liegen, denn alle bekannten Diäten vernachlässigen völlig einen
wichtigen Punkt: die Temperatur der Speisen und Getränke. Wir alle wissen, dass
eine Kalorie notwendig ist, um 1 g Wasser um 1 Grad C zu erwärmen. Man muss
kein Wunderkind sein um zu errechnen, dass der Mensch, wenn er ein Glas kaltes
Wasser trinkt, sagen wir mit 0 Grad, ca. 200 Kalorien braucht um es um 1 Grad
zu erwärmen. Um es auf Körpertemperatur zu bringen sind also ca. 7400 Kalorien
notwendig - 200g Wasser mal 37 Grad Temperaturunterschied.

Diese muss unser Körper aufbringen, da die Körpertemperatur konstant bleiben
muss. Dazu nutzt er die einzige Energiequelle, die ihm kurzfristig zur
Verfügung steht, unser Körperfett. Er muss also Körperfett verbrennen, um die
Erwärmung zu leisten, die Thermodynamik lässt sich nicht belügen.

Trinkt man also ein großes Glas Bier mit ca. 400 g mit 0 Grad verliert man ca.
14800 Kalorien. Jetzt muss man natürlich noch die Kalorien des Bieres abziehen,
ca. 800 Kalorien für 400 g Bier. Unter dem Strich betrachtet verliert man also
ungefähr 14000 Kalorien bei einem kalten Glas Bier. Natürlich ist der Verlust
um so größer, je kälter das Bier ist.

Ebenso verhält es sich mit kalten Nachspeisen wie Eis zum Beispiel. Bei einer
Portion von 200g nehmen wir ca. 1000 Kalorien zu uns, verlieren aber durch die
Erwärmung auf Körpertemperatur 7400 Kalorien. Hinzu kommen dann noch ca. 7000
Kalorien zum Schmelzen des Eises, ca. 35 Kalorien pro Gramm. Richtig betrachtet
bleibt also ein Verlust von 13400 Kalorien. Da der Anteil der Kalorien im
Lebensmittel im Vergleich zu den Kalorien des Wärmeverbrauchs nur sehr gering
ist, ist es also fast egal, was wir essen oder trinken, nur kalt muss es sein.

Diese Art Kalorien abzubauen ist, wie jedem einleuchten mag, viel effektiver
als z.B. Fahrrad fahren oder Joggen bei denen nur ca. 1000 Kalorien pro Stunde
verbrannt werden.

Abnehmen ist so einfach. Wir müssen alle einfach nur kaltes Bier und Eis in
Mengen zu uns nehmen und die Thermodynamik erledigt den Rest. Ein Nachteil
dieser Diät bleibt allerdings, wenn wir z.B. eine heiße Pizza essen, die uns
durch ihre Wärmeenergie eine Unmenge an Kalorien zuführt.

Der aufmerksame Leser hat aber bestimmt schon die Lösung parat: man muss die
heiße Pizza einfach nur mit genug kaltem Bier und Eis ausgleichen.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline)

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws,
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her
head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and
She looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied
that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When
they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad
of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find
out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her
brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Lisa is a blonde.

DR LAURA EMAIL:

For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to do
with Laura Schlessinger, she is a radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group is currently
producing a 'Dr. Laura' television show. Recently she has become a convert to
Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah. Recently, she has made some statements
about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her...
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the
internet... ENJOY.

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be
an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however,
regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the
odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I
have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him?
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination
(Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can
you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision
have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should
they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme
a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the
whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their
in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Martha

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it?
A death.

What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first.
You know, start out dead,
Get it out of the way.
You wake up in a an old age home,
Feeling better every day.

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy,
Go collect your pension,
Then, when you start work,
You get a gold watch on your first day.

(3) You work 40 years until you're young enough
To enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol,
You party,
You're generally promiscuous
(hey, you've only got a few years left,
what's the big deal?).
And you get ready for High School.

(4) Then you go to primary school,
You become a kid,
You get toys,
You play,
You have no responsibilities,
And, finally,
You become a baby.

(5) The last step,
You spend your last 9 months
Floating peacefully
With luxuries like
Central heating,
Spa,
Room service on tap,
Larger quarters everyday,
And then...

(6) You finish off as an orgasm.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

In a landmark decision, the Australian Commercial Practices Court today
ruled that Toyota is no longer allowed to run its advertising campaign
based on the word "Bugger".

Explained Court spokesman Loof Lirpa, "Some time ago Microsoft took out an
injunction against the use of the word 'Bugger' in Toyota's ad. It was
argued that 'Bugger' had been associated with Windows far longer and far
more deeply than with Toyota's utes."

Lirpa went on to suggest that every Windows user in the world uses the word
at least once a day as a direct result of using Windows.

"No other product has ever achieved that degree of market recognition and
for Toyota to muscle in on it was clearly a breach of commercial etiquette
and, ipso facto, copyright."

Microsoft is now planning a media-wide campaign using their catch-word. A
copy that has been leaked to us shows several familiar faces -- Steven King
is shown saving the last page of his new 800 page blockbuster in Word and
then re-opening it to find that it has been reduced to three smiley faces
and half a dozen Japanese characters. He smiles wanly at the camera and says
"Bugger".

Kerry Packer is shown shaking his head knowingly and muttering "Bugger" when
he discovers that the spreadsheet, on which he based his latest $4 billion
takeover, has suffered from the notorious Excel "four sevens are thirty six"
feature and that the Ayer's Rock Hot Pie Company is somewhat overvalued.

The head of the CIA (with his face pixelated) is shown shouting "Bugger" on
learning that Outlook has just e-mailed the entire contents of his hard
drive to the head of the KGB. She, in turn, says "byugyah" when the file is
found to be in last year's Access format.

A spokesthing for Microsoft commented, "This is a logical move for the
company that used 'You make a grown man cry' and 'The damned and accursed
are convicted to the flames of Hell' as advertising slogans for its
software. We anticipate establishing the slogan in the marketplace by
including a T-shirt printed with "Bugger Microsoft" in every box of our
software."

The Microsoft-English Dictionary 1.0
(What Microsoft Really Means To Say)
Article #2001-04
8 July 2001

Richard Forno (rforno@infowarrior.org)
(c) 2001 Author. Permission granted to freely reproduce - in whole or in part
for noncommercial use - with appropriate credit to author and INFOWARRIOR.ORG.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For his novel "1984" George Orwell developed "Newspeak", a modified English
language using ambiguous or deceptive words, metaphors, or euphemisms to
influence public opinion on various matters - a common business practice
refined to an exacting science by news media, marketing companies, and
corporate PR departments.

Nowhere is Newspeak more perfected than in the halls of the Microsoft Campus
in Redmond, Washington - a place where legions of well-paid spin-meisters
attempt to morph the reality of their company's business, legal, and product
information into innocuous-sounding, politically-correct, calm-inducing
statements when released to the public. Naturally, this has a confusing
effect on the general public who is unfamiliar with this particular form of
language.

As a public service, this article contains a helpful list of terms used by
the company and what, in reality - not Newspeak - such terms actually mean.
It's my hope that such insight - culled from personal experience and the
input of technology professionals - will cut through the Newspeak fog and
assist readers in determining for themselves what Microsoft is really saying
in its public statements.

The Microsoft-English Dictionary is organized into four sections: (1) Legal,
Marketing, and Internet Community Terms; (2) Security-Oriented Terms;
(3) Product-Related Terms; and (4) Miscellaneous Terms.

KEY: (n) = Noun; (v)=Verb; (colloq)=Colloquial; (pl)=Plural; (adj)=adjective

Feel free to send updates or suggestions regarding this dictionary to
rforno@infowarrior.org for possible inclusion in future editions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Legal, Marketing, and Internet Community Terms

"Cancer" - (1)(n) - Microsoft metaphor describing Linux and the open source
software movement. In reality, the term best describes Microsoft's own
products, starting off small and then growing, spreading, and usually having
negative effects on its host, often requiring software "doctors" and
utilities to restore or recover such problems. Like cancer in the human
body, many hosts have been disabled or killed by such organisims. See also
"Swap Files" and "Temp Files."

"Consent Decree" - (1)(n) - Court orders requiring a company to behave in a
certain manner, usually as part of a court-ordered punishment. (2)(n) -
Something akin to a "no-no note" that Microsoft routinely chooses to ignore
while proceeding with its overly-aggressive business practices.

"Cross-Platform" - (1)(n) - Industry standard definition for a product that
runs on multiple computing environments (See "Platform"). (2)(n) -
Microsoft's marketing term used to mean a product that runs on any of
Microsoft's 'platforms.' (e.g., Microsoft's Java is 'cross-platform' since
it runs on Windows 95, 98, 2000, ME, and XP.)

"Embrace and Extend" -(1)(colloq.) - Microsoft term for accepting community
standards and incorporating such standards in its products. (See "Standards").

"Embrace, Extend, Extinguish" -(1)(colloq.) - Internet community parody on
Microsoft's proclaimed "Embrace and Extend" philosophy, particularly in
light of how the software giant interprets the term 'standards.' (See
"Standards" and "Embrace and Extend")

"External Feedback" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's vague public justification for
removing the Smart Tags feature from Windows XP. (2)(n) - Several articles
and community statements threatening Microsoft with lawsuits over Smart Tags
being used to create derivative works from copyrighted material, and for
using its monopoly position to influence (read 'dominate' or 'control') web
content. (See "Smart Tags")

"Freedom to Innovate" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's attempt to appeal to the
patriotic spirit of the consumer and courts, implying that a failure to
"innovate" (see "Innovation") threatens software development, competition,
world order, the national economy, and may prevent Bill from building the
addition to his mansion next year.

"Great" - (1)(n) - Bill Gates' mantra to the media (e.g., "we'll continue to
make great products... through great software... etc.) Often used
repeatedly and annoyingly in speeches.

"Innovation" - (1)(n) - Microsoft euphamism for ideas they have 'borrowed'
(stolen) or, in rare cases, actually bought from other companies.

"Open Source" -(1)(n) - A generally-accepted software development philosophy
(AKA "CopyLeft") where software coded through a community effort, and the
software source code is freely viewable and usable by anyone with few
restrictions - also serving as a mechanism of providing peer review of
software code by the developer community. The result is a community
development effort that produces robust and reliable software. (2)(n) - An
industry philosophy of software development that terrifies Microsoft.

"Platform" - (1)(n) - Industry-standard definition referring to a specific
computing environment or operating system (e.g., Solaris, BSD, Macintosh,
Windows, AIX are different platforms). (2)(n) - Redmond term used to mean
any Microsoft-developed operating system.

"Software Piracy" -(1)(n) - The unauthorized copying and distribution of
commercial software by large organized crime syndicates that pose a much
greater economic problem for Microsoft, not the individual consumer that
they claim. (See "Product Activation Technology" and "Heroin Economics.")

"Source Code for Windows" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's Crown Jewels and most prized
and guarded intellectual property. Seeing it is the only true way of really
learning how stable, secure, or robust Windows is.

"Standards" - (1) (n, pl.) - What Microsoft thinks should be the defined
baseline for computing and networking protocols. (2) (n, pl) - Microsoft's
inserting of proprietary code into computing technologies previously-agreed
to and in active use by the global computing community (e.g., Kerberos, DNS,
RTF) and then proclaiming the bastardized product as "standards-based"
though not a true "standard" in the eyes of the computing community.

"Viral Software" -(1)(n) - Microsoft metaphor (attempting to play on the
negative connotation of the term computer "viruses") for any software not
developed or owned by Microsoft, such as anything Linux, BSD, Mac, or
Solaris based. (2)(n) - Security community metaphor describing Microsoft
products and their propensity for both acting like and spreading real
viruses. (See also "Cancer", "Swap Files" and "Temp Files.")

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Security-Oriented Terms

"Bug" - (n)(1) - See "Issue"

"Buffer Overflow" - (1)(n) - Security condition present in nearly all
Microsoft products caused by the improper or nonexistent limiting of input
query buffers.

"Bulls-Eye" -(1)(colloq.) - Often said by security staff conducting network
penetration scans when observing the presence of open TCP ports 135, 137, or
139, indicating a Windows system is present.

"Could Allow" - (colloq.) - As Microsoft Security Bulletins read, a reported
vulnerability or exploit to a Microsoft product may be a security problem
ONLY when exploited by a cracker. Implies that a security problem is not a
major concern until the exploit occurs. Example: " Authentication Error in
SMTP Service Could Allow Mail Relaying" (01-037). In reality, the problem
exists, but in Microsoft's expert judgement, the problem is not a 'problem'
until exploited and makes the news. A real world example would be
proclaiming that "guns kill people" (a truth, but only if if the gun is
handled by a person who either loads it and pulls the trigger or uses it to
club someone. By itself, the device is harmless.)

"Issue" - (1)(n) - A feel-good euphamism used by Microsoft referring to a
security problem. (e.g., "Microsoft has discovered an issue with......")
(2)(n) - Microsoft's implied denial that a problem exists, calling it an
"issue" instead of a "problem", "bug", "vulnerability" or "exploit." (In the
real world, how many relationships have been broken off due to "issues"
versus "problems" with the significant other?)

"Known Issue" - (1)(n) - A feel-good euphamism used by Microsoft referring
to a previously-reported problem. (See "issue")

"Malformed" - (1)(adj) - Term used by Microsoft to describe a security
problem caused by submitting false or modified information to an
application, such as a typographic error may direct a user to a different
website than what was intended. (2)(adj) - Term used by the security
community to describe many Microsoft products.

"Microsoft Security Bulletin" - (1)(n) Release of documentation for a
previously-undocumented feature in the named Microsoft Product.

"Secure Microsoft Product" - (1)(n) - Any unopened, uninstalled Microsoft
product, preferably still inside its shrink-wrap. (2)(n) - A PC running
Microsoft operating systems or software that is not connected to a network
or has removable media (e.g., disk drives) installed... that's how Windows NT
received it's C2 endorsement from the NSA in the mid-1990s!

"Security" - (1) (n) - Something Microsoft products lack, evidenced by the
frequency of reports of major products with vulnerable services enabled by
default, or by releasing easily-exploited software products. (2) (noun) - A
concept that is a mutually-exclusive to anything Microsoft.

"Security Response Process" - (1) (n) - Method Microsoft uses to react to
reported security problems with its products. Runs contrary to
industry-accepted standards of proactively preventing problems through
secure software design and intense program quality assurance and abuse
testing prior to release.

"Vulnerability" - (1)(n) - A reported weakness that facilitates the
compromise of a software product or system. (2)(n) - General security
community term for any computer running Windows, networked or not.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Product-Related Terms

"Active X" - (1)(n) - Vulnerability-ridden and exploitable scripting language
for Microsoft internet products. Commonly called "Craptive-X" by the
security community.

"Alpha Release" - (1)(n) - Any Microsoft product shipped to a selected
number of users who agree to test and look for potential problems, often
incorrectly labelled a "beta" release. (See "Beta Release")

"AutoRecover" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's key reasons for upgrading to
Office XP, thus officially acknowledging the inherent instability of
previous versions of Office and Windows products.

"Beta Release" - (1)(n) - Any shrink-wrapped Microsoft product available for
retail purchase or sold to PC manufacturers for inclusion on new PCs.
Microsoft has made its fortunes from users who routinely pay (in many, many
ways!) for the privilege of testing Microsoft products.

"Beta Testers" -(1)(n, pl) - Software industry term for technical folks who
evaluate software prior to its public release or sale. (2)(n, pl) - Anyone
using a publicly-released Microsoft product. (See "Beta Release")

"Blue Screen of Death" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's few real innovations.
(2)(n) - Cryptic error codes seen by users when a Windows system crashes.

"C#" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's proprietary answer to Sun's truly cross-platform
Java language. However, C# is only effective when used on Microsoft
'platforms'. (See "platform" and "cross-platform").

"Clippy" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's attempt to reincarnate Microsoft Bob (see
'Microsoft Bob') as a user's assistant, creating a virtual paperclip
notorious for second-guessing Office users with its "It looks like you're
writing a letter. Do you want to format for a letter..." annoyances.
Resurrected in mid-2001 as a marketing ploy to generate buzz about Office
XP's "lack" of such a demon. (2)(n) - Microsoft's assumption that all users
are idiots.

"Clip Art" - (1)(n) - A method used to compromise ("hack into") a Microsoft
system using seemingly-harmless stock artwork for Microsoft Office products
as evidenced by Microsoft Security Bulletin 00-015.

"DOS" (Disk Operating System) - (1)(n) - The decades-old file system that
still serves as the underlying base for Windows operating systems. The
absence of a C prompt (command line) does not mean that DOS is no longer
part of the Windows operating system, only that it is a bit harder to
access. (See "Microsoft Windows")

"Easter Eggs" - (1)(n,pl) - Hidden programs and routines placed inside
programs by their developers, some of which don't get removed prior to
public release.

"Enhancement" -(1)(n) - See "Service Pack" or "Hotfix."

"Hotfix" - (1) (n) - A downloaded file used to fix a small number of major
problems. Many Service Packs contain prior hotfixes.

"Internet Explorer" - (1)(n) - According to Microsoft, in light of its
ongoing anti-trust court proceedings, a set of "core technologies" (not a
'separate application') necessary for Windows to operate. (2)(n) - According
to the security community, a set of "core technologies" (not a 'separate
application') that facilitates the compromise ("hacking") of a remote client
computer by exploiting the network-centric, vulnerable "core technology" of
the operating system. AKA "Internet Exploder". (3)(n) - Constant source of
security news.

"Internet Information Server" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's free internet server
application marketed as an 'innovative' (See "innovation") part of the
evolution of Windows NT and 2000. See also, "Bulls-Eye". (2)(n) - Constant
source of security news.

"Knowledge Base" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's best attempt to provide technical
information on the inner workings of its products, usually in response to a
problem and its fix.

"Legacy" - (1)(adj) - Any existing product that Microsoft wants to stop
supporting in order to promote newer ones.

"Microsoft Bob" - (1)(n) - Cutsey mid-90s attempt to dumb down the user
interface for the average (and still growing) consumer markets. Died a quick
painful death.

"Microsoft.NET." - (1)(n) - Whatever Microsoft thinks it will entail, but
definitely reliant on a subscription-based business model for internet-based
services, provided such services can stay operational.

"Microsoft Hailstorm" - (1)(n) - See .NET.

"Microsoft Outlook" - (1)(n) - Aside from USENET, the world's most prevalent
(and efficient) virus distribution package. This includes Exchange Server,
Microsoft Outlook, and Microsoft Outlook Express products. Also called
"Microsoft Look-Out" by the security community.

"Microsoft Passport" - (1)(n) - Part of Microsoft's new subscription-ware
business model, this serves as the central login for Microsoft users as part
of .NET and Hailstorm. (2)(n) - Single point of failure.

"Microsoft Windows" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's continual refinement of the
decades-old Disk Operating System. (See "Disk Operating System" and
"Vulnerability")

"Minimum System Requirements" - (1)(n, pl) - What Microsoft markets as the
absolute minimum that a given product can operate on to claim a larger
target market for a product. Such specifications correctly states that a
product will be functional on such minimal requirements - but implies that a
customer will be as productive as someone with much more computing power.
(See "Windows Ready PC") A heartbeat may be a "minimum system requirement"
for a human, but an infant can't run a marathon. (See "Recommended System
Requirements")

"Preview Version" -(1)(n) - See "Alpha Release." Also called "Technical
Preview."

"Product Activation Technology" - (1)(n) - Half-baked, easily-bypassed
method intended to prevent software piracy of Microsoft products,
particularly on the consumer side, such as Windows XP and Office XP.
(2)(v) - Invasion and reduction of the consumer's privacy and flexibility
while using Microsoft products. (3)(v) - "Raising the Price" on the
one-on-one manner of sharing software that helped Microsoft gain its
monopoly status. AKA "Heroin Economics." (See "Heroin Economics")

"Recommended System Requirements" - (1)(n, pl) - In reality, the minimum
system configuration necessary for average performance of a given Microsoft
product. Doubling this should yield adequate performance by the product.
(See "Minimum System Requirements")

"Remote Assistance" - (1)(n) - Feature in Windows XP that allows a remote
person to provide troubleshooting assistance by logging onto a user's
computer. (2)(n) - Making one of Microsoft's oldest security problems a
documented product "feature."

"Scalable" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's claim that a given product can grow to
support ever-growing user and processing loads, provided such growth is
limited to Microsoft expectations and 'platforms.' (See "platform")

"Service Pack" - (1) (n) - Stuff left out of the retail release of a
Microsoft product that needs to be added to products already sold and/or in
use. (2) (n) - Something that will probably break a customer's existing
system during the service pack installation process. (3)(n) - Method used by
Microsoft to fix problems in a product which are too widespread to fix with
a simple hotfix. (See "Hotfix")

"Smart Tags" - (1)(n) - Failed attempt by Microsoft to once again exert
monopolist control, this time over any website's content by creating
unauthorized derivative works from copyrighted material, and using its
monopoly in the browser and "platform" market to lead web surfers to
Microsoft-sponsored and endorsed products, services, and advertisers.

"Subscription-Ware" -(1)(n) - Software such as Windows XP that users pay to
use on an annual basis instead of a one-time license. Failure to pay annual
subscriptions will render user data and/or Microsoft-based organizations
unreachable and unusable until such tribute is paid on an annual basis.
(2)(n) - Giving a corporation - software or entertainment industry - control
over a user's information and livelihood. (3)(n) - Gross invasion of
privacy. (See "UCITA")

"Swap File" - (1)(n) - Method used by Windows to fill up and fragment users
disk space.

"Temp Files" - (1)(n) - See "Swap File" above.

"Three-Finger Salute" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's first innovations.
(2)(n) - The process used to reboot a computer after a crash - often
resulting in Repetitive Strain Injuries for Windows users.

"Undocumented Feature" - (1)(n) - Previously unknown capability of a
software product. See "Microsoft Security Bulletin."

"Upgrade" - (1)(v) - Process of introducing new vulnerabilities to the
existing customer community. (2)(n) - New versions of software products.

"Visual Basic" - (1)(n) - Microsoft scripting language that facilitates mass
exploitation of Microsoft applications (2)(n) - Microsoft-centric version of
the Virus Creation Toolkit.

"Visual Vulnerability" - (1)(colloq.) - See "Visual Basic."

"Windows-Compliant PC" - (1)(n) - Computers with ever-growing and often
obscene memory, processor, and hard disk requirements for a basic
installation of a Microsoft operating system. (2)(n) - Easy target for
crackers.

"Windows Droppings" - (1)(n, pl) - Temporary files generated by various
Windows applications (and the operating system itself) that accumulate on a
Windows hard drive and consume valuable disk space. See "Temp Files."

"Windows Media Player" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's proprietary music player and
music format that is being positioned as a pro-Hollywood music player that
will give the music industry full control over where and how a Windows user
can play audio files and music they have stored on their systems. Intended
to replace the "anarchist" and widely-popular MP3 standard for music in
favor of a closed, proprietary, privacy-invading, corporate-controlling
format.

"Windows NT" - (1)(n) - Corporate operating system produced by Microsoft in
the late 1990s. Also referred to as "Needs Tweaking" (due to its many
problems) or "Needs Towing" (referring to the incident involving a crashed
NT server forcing a Navy vessel to be towed back to port in 1999), "Nice
Try", "Neanderthal Technology" (for its DOS roots), "Not There", "Not
Tested", and "Not Trustworthy" among many others.

"Zero Administration" -(1)(n) - Marketing fantasy that claims a software
package requires next to no dedicated staff to administer or support it. In
Microsoft's claims of Zero Administration, something that no Windows product
can survive with.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miscellaneous Terms


"AOL" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's arch-enemy, a large mega-corporation that
Microsoft is insanely afraid and jealous of now that the functionality and
day-to-day importance of the Windows OS is being threatened by the AOL
Client suite of services.

"Borg" - (1)(n, pl) - When used in relation to Microsoft, this term refers
to the Star Trek cybernetic villains that would use overwhelming force to
assimilate and incorporate lesser beings into their ever-growing Collective.

"Heroin Economics" - Common practice of drug dealers looking to establish a
customer base by providing free samples to "hook" users, at which time the
dealer raises his prices for his product. Since people are now dependent,
they will naturally pay whatever is necessary to obtain the substance. In
the software world, for years Microsoft tolerated software piracy (both
casual and organized) as its user base expanded and the company became a
monopoly on the desktop with millions of "hooked" users and
organizations...at which time it raised its prices and plans to force users
to pay annual tributes to feed their dependence on Microsoft products and
services. (See "Product Activation Technology")

"Mac OS/X" - (1)(n) - Apple's new BSD-based operating system, something that
Microsoft is trying to emulate in XP and failing miserably at.

"Microsoft" - (1)(n) - The world's largest software company. (2)(n) -
Company found guilty of being a monopoly. (3)(n) - A threat to national and
corporate information security and stability. (4)(n) - Inventor and
distributor of the most frequently-used, attacked, and exploited software in
the world. (5)(n) - Invented the Blue Screen of Death (See "Blue Screen of
Death") and Three-Finger Salute (See "Three-Finger Salute").

"Microsoft Tax" - (1)(n) - See "Heroin Economics." (2)(n) - Inability or
serious difficulty a computer buyer faces when trying to purchase a computer
without a pre-installed Microsoft operating system and suite of products.

"Networking 101" - (1)(n) - Class Microsoft engineers clearly failed when
they placed all four corporate DNS servers behind the same router. When the
router failed in early 2001, all Microsoft servers, from Passport to Hotmail
and Microsoft.Com went off-line. (Ref: "Passport Definiton #2).

"Redmond" - (1)(adj) - Synonymous to "Microsoft" as Microsoft is the largest
employer in the city of Redmond in Washington State.

"Satan Conspiracy Theory" (1)(n) - The long-time joke in the computer
community that the ASCII value of the Microsoft founder's name (Bill Gates,
III) when added together, equals "666".

"Tux" - (1)(n) - The name of the cute penguin that serves as the Linux
Mascot and represents many things that Microsoft isn't. (2)(n) - The Sign of
The Devil and/or a 'cancer' (see 'Cancer') that Microsoft is fearful of.

"UCITA" - (1)(n) - An emerging commercial law - very anti-consumer - that
among other things, gives software vendors the ability to remotely disable
user computers for any reason and binds a customer to a license agreement
that they cannot see until they open the software, thus violating an
agreement that they have not had the opportunity to read, examine, and
determine whether or not they wish to enter into such an agreement with the
software vendor. Software sold as "subscription-ware" is an ideal method to
exercise such controls over the customer-victims. Often pronounced "You
Cheat-Ah", referring to its anti-consumer language. Microsoft is one of
several software companies actively supporting this policy. (See
"Subscription-Ware")

"Useful PC" - (1)(n) - Any computer that is unable to run the latest version
of Windoze because the processor is not fast enough and is recycled as a
much more stable, secure, and robust multi-user system with the installation
of Linux. (Thx to CF for this!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Follow this simple procedure:

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Auszüge aus einem Biologietest "Menstruationszyklus und Verhütung"
vom März 2002 einer Hauptschule in NRW, 8. Klasse (also etwa 14
Jahre ... und somit durchaus im fortpflanzungsfähigen Alter!!!)


Ralf: Der Eisprung ist zwischen dem 14 und 18 Tag der Periode und man
kann dann nicht schwanger werden. Wenn man schon Jahre nicht mehr
miteinander geschlafen hat. Dann kann man während des Eisprungs
schwanger werden! Genau im Eisprung dann ist die Zeit. in der man mit
Sicherheit unfruchtbar ist. Bevor man miteinander schläft muss man die
Pille schlucken. so dass der Körper denkt man ist schon schwanger dann
nimmt der Körper ja auch keine neuen Samen auf

Ursula: Wenn man jung ist und will sich destillieren lassen und dann
später doch noch ein Kind haben will dann ist es zu spät.

Stefan: Im Kopf ist das Glückshormon das den Menstruationszyklus
steuert. Das heißt wenn eine Frau für längere Zeit überglücklich ist.
ist auch immer ein Ei in der Gebärmutterschleimhaut vorhanden. Warum:
(siehe Seite I Aufgabe 9) Wiederhole mich nicht gerne!!!

Heike: Der Eisprung ist der erste Tag der Periode. Das Ei wandert von
links nach rechts. Das Diaphragma ist nur für den Mann. Kolutus
Inspiritus ist auf keinen Fall sicher.

Maik: Die Spirale ist nur geeignet. wenn die Frau schon ihren
Familiensinn abgeschlossen hat.

Eva: Ein Diaphragma ist nicht sicher. weil es Physiken hat. Und es
ist nur für Männer. Bitte was?!

Dieter: Die Pille ist für die weiblichen Wesen geeignet. Die Pille ist
auch ein einfaches und unfühlsames Verhüttungsmittel. Die Spirale ist
sehr sicher. aber es ist nicht sehr erotisch. Die Spirale schiebt man
in die Scheide hinein. Es ist auch sehr unangenehm.

Johannes: Warum ist der Menstruationszyklus hormongesteuert? Weil die
Natur es so vorgesehen hat und die Frau es sowieso nicht steuern kann,
übernehmen die Hormone das.

Willi: Man schluckt die Pille täglich. Damit die Eierstöcke die Samen
nicht aufnehmen.

Karsten: Dat Ei wandert da do in a Eileiter an da bleibt dat ach. Und
wenn man dat so seht ist alles so in Periodenzeit. Die
Temperaturmethode ist nicht so gut für die Frauen. weil junge Mädchen
immer einen unregelmäßigen Temperatur haben.

Melanie: Sperma abtötende Cremes und Destinisation sind unsicher und
schützen vor gar nichts. Da kriegt man nur Krankheiten von.

Ernst: Wie funktioniert die Anti-Baby-Pille? Eigentlich genau wie die
Pille nur ist die Pille etwas sicherer.

Hans: Beim Eisprung geht das Ei von einem in den anderen Eierstock.

Alexandra: Die Anti-Baby-Pille wird vor dem Geschlechtsverkehr
geschluckt. Man sollte etwas warten - etwa 10 Minuten - bis man
Geschlechtsverkehr hat. Eine Sterallisierung ist nicht gut für junge
Leute. Kontius Impacktus ist sehr unsicher.

Markus: Die Pille täuscht eine Schwangerschaft vor und wenn man sie
absetzt denkt der Körper oh scheiße ich wurde verarscht. Die vorher
rauszieh Methode ist sehr unsicher weil vorher der Lusttropfen losgeht
und der kann auch schwängern. Was auch nicht gut ist ist das
kastrieren.


So, sind noch Fragen offen?

NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:


Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the
"I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have
made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.


Sex:

Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part
of the foreplay.


Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work.


Hats:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.


Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite stooge. The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it
out.


Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note
from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.


Bathrooms:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.


Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is
hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.


Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that
the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.


Going out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes
putting on her makeup, ...


Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes.
Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under
her desk.
A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.


Leg warmers:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them
any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme
the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".


Cats:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.


Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface -
mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.


Garages:

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches
in garages.


Movies:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind".
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's
face in "Public Enemy".


Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.


Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.


The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.


Low Blows:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television.
One of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and
actually feels pain.


Directions:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.
Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle
for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found
a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I
recognize that White Hen store".


Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.


Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works at the health club and dates only married women.


Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


Nudity in Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a *man*.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.


David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a
bad haircut.


Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for
state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography
classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.
Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.


Politics:

Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things
such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.


Locker Rooms:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER
LIE.


Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.


Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".


Cheerleaders:

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.


Socks:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.


Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11
or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they grow older, their
toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's
toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on
command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at
least six "D" batteries to operate.


Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an
appartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.


Mustaches:

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt
Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.


Nicknames:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
Brain and Useless.

Merry Christmas allerseits...


When the snow falls wunderbar
And the children happy are,
When the Glatteis on the street,
And we all a Glühwein need,
Then you know, es ist soweit:
She is here, the Weihnachtszeit

Every Parkhaus ist besetzt,
Weil die people fahren jetzt
All to Kaufhof, Mediamarkt,
Kriegen nearly Herzinfarkt.
Shopping hirnverbrannte things
And the Christmasglocke rings.

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Hear the music, see the lights,
Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht,
Merry Christmas allerseits...

Mother in the kitchen bakes
Schoko-, Nuss- and Mandelkeks
Daddy in the Nebenraum
Schmücks a Riesen-Weihnachtsbaum
He is hanging auf the balls,
Then he from the Leiter falls.

Finally the Kinderlein
To the Zimmer kommen rein
And es sings the family
Schauerlich: "Oh, Chistmastree!"
And the jeder in the house
Is packing die Geschenke aus.

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Hear the music, see the lights,
Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht,
Merry Christmas allerseits...

Mama finds unter the Tanne
Eine brandnew Teflon-Pfanne,
Papa gets a Schlips and Socken,
Everybody does frohlocken.
President speaks in TV,
All arround is Harmonie,
Bis mother in the kitchen runs:
Im Ofen burns the Weihnachtsgans.

And so comes die Feuerwehr
With Tatü, tata daher,
And they bring a long, long Schlauch
Und a long, long Leiter auch.
Dann they schreien - "Wasser marsch!",
now Christmas is again im - *****.

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Hear the music, see the lights,
Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht,
Merry Christmas allerseits...

MICROSOFT
=========

_________________________
Microsoft:
Contract programming house for IBM, and primary sustainer of the clone
market. IBM pays MS to write fancy software, then MS tweaks it a little,
slaps the MS logon on it, and sells it to all the clone folks so they can
keep competing with IBM. There is no truth to the rumor that former
Mafioso procure the IBM contracts for MS. All products are given generic
names (Word, Project, Works, Windows, etc.) to (a) confuse everybody
unless (b) the name "Microsoft" is constantly repeated. Made the founder
$300,000,000+ in one day.
_________________________
From: zoinks@netcom.com (Chris Blackwell)

This friday I go some comp tickets to the annual Computer Bowl.
Usually a pretty dry affair, but I just had to share this one with you
all. (This is from memory, so the text may not be 100% verbatim)

The question posed was "What contest, held on the Internet, is
dedicated to examples of wierd, obscure, bizzare and really bad
programming?" (They were referring to the Obfuscated C contest)

For about 30 seconds the participants thought about it, and it was
apparent that nobody knew the answer. Then one of the French
contestants buzzed. His answer - "Microsoft Windows"

The expression on Bill Gates face (he was one of the judges) was
classic.
_________________________
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None: they just redefine darkness as the industry standard.
_________________________
As you may be aware Bill Gates is about to launch Microsoft Wife.
After 3 years of marriage, Bill may upgrade to Wife 2.0.
_________________________
From: Sherri.Alashari@Eng.Sun.COM (Sherri Al-Ashari)

Remember that Microsoft joke that someone sent out last week, the one
that says it doesn't take any Microsoft engineers to screw in a light
bult because they'd just redefine darkness to be the standard? Well
it was amazingly prescient.

Seattle's Saturday newspaper carried a front-page story about Bill
Gates' most recent traffic ticket. Rather than pay the $47 fine for
turning left against *three* "No Left Turn" signs, he had his lawyers
challenge the legality of the sign! And not only that sign; they
asked the city to prove it has the legal right to post any traffic
signs!! Can you believe it. The challenge didn't work, but the city
was so slow about proving the signs okay--it's not like they do it
every day--the traffic judge dismissed the ticket.
_________________________
Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no
return. So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to
the gates of heaven. He informed them of his decision and told them
to go back to their people and prepare them for the end of the world
on Thursday.

Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he
has bad news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet
citizens that there is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He
has seen God with his own eyes. Worse yet, God has decided to destroy
the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees
fit.

Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news
and bad news. After centuries of telling the US citizens that there
is a God, he has proof that we've been right. He has seen God with
his own eyes. But the bad news is that God has decided to destroy the
world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has wonderful
news and even more wonderful news. God, by calling him to the gates
of heaven with the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the
world, has just confirmed how important Bill Gates really is. The
even better news is that on Thursday, IBM will stop shipping OS/2.
_________________________
Could've been written about Microsoft products:

"If you have a knife 9" in my back, and you pull it out 3", that is
not progress"

--Malcolm X
_________________________
1980's fortune:
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.

1990's fortune:
Microsoft is not the answer.
Microsoft is the question.
The answer is "Just Say No!"
_________________________
"My view of Microsoft is that they had two goals in the last 10 years:
to copy the Macintosh and to copy Lotus' success in the applications
business. And they accomplished those goals. Now, they're kind of
lost. I've told Bill [Gates] that I think it's in Microsoft's best
interest if NeXT becomes successful because we'll give him something
to copy for the rest of this decade."

-- Steve Jobs
_________________________
There once was a super Windows NT salesman that travel the world with
a great "can do everything and all" Windows NT demo (but the real
stuff was vaporware). He sold it lonely Windows NT'ers like me and
made lots of money. One day while dashing through the O'Hare Airport
to catch a flight he drop dead of a heart attack.

At the gates of heaven he was judged. He had lived a borderline life
and was given the option of heaven or hell. He could look into the
doors of each and choose. As he opened the door to heaven, wonderful
music harp music played, he saw people floating on clouds and all was
bright and white.

Next he opened the doors to hell and saw nude people drinking beer and
dancing to rock and roll music. Everyone was partying to the max. It
was just like his one year at college.

As He met with his maker again, he said, Heaven is great and
wonderful, but other is more my style. Think carefully he was told
but the other was his wish.

As the doors opened for him the intense heat hit him and he was pulled
in. He stood before the devil and saw pain and sorrow everywhere. He
shouted at the devil, "Where is the party and beer?". The devil
laughed, "that was the demo, this is the real thing!" :)

Bruce
_________________________
Since we can't make it good, we try to make it look good.
- Bill Gates
_________________________
> Can you explain the mysterious popularity of Billy Joel?? Could he be
> the Anti-Christ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, because there's only one Antichrist, and Bill Gates has applied for
} the post. It's really obvious. Whenever you install a M$ product on a
} computer, all the speed goes straight to hell.
}
} You owe the Oracle a harder question.
_________________________
> Dear Oracle, master of all knowledge, what does UNIX stand for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ken Thompson claims that UNIX is "a weak pun on Multics," but this is
} a lie. UNIX is a weak pun on eunuch. Look around you. Are any of
} your male peers ever going to reproduce? And if their significant
} others DO become pregnant-- will you not doubt the identity of the
} father?
}
} UNIX is not all that impressive an operating system. Why, then, is it
} so popular? *UNIX is addictive!* And, just like heroin, the UNIX
} drive quickly displaces the sex drive. (Oh, sure, computer geeks talk
} a lot about wanting to get laid... but do they ever *do* anything
} about it?)
}
} Yet terrible as UNIX addiction is, there are worse fates. If UNIX is
} the heroin of operating systems, then VMS is barbiturate addiction,
} the Mac is MDMA, and MS-DOS is sniffing glue. (Windows is filling
} your sinuses with lucite and letting it set.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a twelve step program.
_________________________
An addition to the list of Operating Systems as rail systems:

MS-DOS is like the US rail system. It's there, but you gotta
find other ways of getting where they want to go.
_________________________
Fortran is the cockroach of programming languages
MS-DOS is the Fortran of operating systems
MS-Windows is the MS-DOS of windowing systems.
_________________________
About a year ago, a study published in _Academic_Computing_
entitled "Student Writing: Can the Machine Maim the Message"
suggested that college freshmen using Macintoshes wrote poorer
essays than students using DOS-based computers.

The researcher ran the compositions through the Unix Writer's
Workbench and tallied the scores. She also graded them by hand.
Apart from inferior writing quality, she also found that students
using PCs, generally speaking, created more coherent work on more
serious issues (like crime, the death penalty and abortion) as
compared with Macintosh users, who wrote about fast food and
graffiti.

Notice that this was a while ago, before Windoze.
What do you think freshman students who used TeX wrote about?
_________________________

_ /|
\'o.O'
=(___)=
U

THPTH! ACKHH!

Join Bill the Cat in the President's war against DOS.

DOS

JUST SAY

NO
_________________________
Movie titles:
The Primeval Terror -- MS-DOS
Revenge of the Mutant Horror -- OS/2
Windows NT -- The Nightmare Continues
_________________________
Seen in the "women seeking men" part of the "Phone-Match" section of the
San Diego _Reader_ (freebie weekly newspaper):

ARROGANT ENGINEER WANTED. Educated, savvy brunette seeks tall,
extremely intelligent, engineering type. Ex-geeks welcome.
Social skills not necessary; will train. No drug or MS-DOS users.
_________________________
"MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years
of careful development." ---dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca
_________________________
Bumper Sticker: "Help stamp out progress, Run Windows"
_________________________
From: a_rubin@dsg4.dse.beckman.com (Arthur Rubin)

In <2i3vau$e43@news.duke.edu> rcml@acpub.duke.edu (Robert Lonon) writes:

>I'm looking for a utility that will slow down my 486 enough that
>I can run some of the older games I've got that are simply
>too fast to play on a 486. Does anyone out there know
>of a site I could download such a program from?

It's called MS Windows.
_________________________
"When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people
just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the
system, *for free*'"

- Linus Torvalds
_________________________
At Microsoft, Quality is Job 1.01
--
_________________________

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and
Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I
sure would like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price
has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill (with a chuckle), "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her
number?"

So Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet &
after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling

"Divine... Divine... Divine... oh God... now I know why you choose the
name Divine."

To which she replies, "Thank you Bill. And now I know how you chose
the name Microsoft."

From my friend, an ACT-voting accountant


The NZ dollar has continued its slide against the US Dollar and the
Pound Sterling. The dollar reached historic lows mid-week, dropping
below 46 NZ cents to the greenback. A NZ dollar now buys one gram of
hamster droppings and half a glass of Thames river water in the United
Kingdom.

Since the beginning of last week, many currency transactions bureaus in
France and Germany have been turning away NZ backpackers who have
wheelbarrows full of their useless home currency, desperate to change
it before its value declines even further.

The drop in the dollar has also had a dramatic impact for NZ tourists,
making the cost of travel prohibitively expensive and making many
people cancel their travel plans. In an early response to the
situation, American Express has modified its advertising campaign,
shortening its slogan specifically for the NZ market. It now simply
reads "Don't leave home".

But the new rates have made NZ an increasingly attractive destination
for tourists from the UK and US. Speaking from her palatial suite at a
harbourside hotel in Auckland, Shayla Mohr, a single mother from Idaho
on welfare, agreed that the beneficial exchange rates played a major
part in her decision to travel to NZ. "My food stamps don't go very far
at all back home" said Ms Mohr, "So I decided to cash them in a have a
trip to NZ. My last dole cheque has funded three weeks here and I've
been having a ball. You guys have such cute little money".

Despite the decline against the major currencies, the NZ dollar did
rally against some minor currencies in late trading on Friday. The
dollar posted gains against the dong, the rouble and the rupee before
markets closed.

The dollar also made some late gains against Monopoly Money. One NZ
dollar now buys 36 Monopoly cents, a rate which has caused difficulties
because there are no cents in Monopoly. But major owners of Monopoly
Money, such as Microsoft's Bill Gates, have refused to trade their cash
for NZ currency, dismissing the dollar as "pretend money".

In a statement from the beehive, finance minister Michael Cullen stated
that NZers have never had it so good. "Why would anyone want to holiday
overseas anyway. NZ is a great place to be, especially at this time of
the year. Those people contemplating an overseas trip in future will be
subject to The Holiday, Enjoyment and Fun Tax (THEFT). This new
deduction will be targeted at anyone who looks like they might have any
disposable income that might be spent on anything pleasurable."
Supporters of the new tax within the coalition government have
applauded Mr Cullen's initiative as innovative but not far reaching
enough. "It's this sort of measure that will entice ex-patriot Kiwis
back to NZ" said Mr Anderton in response to the announcement.

The answer to the eternal question: Is "it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes
$178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of
$10,500 at 8:45am on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics,
and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However...

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have
less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd wins.

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

1 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

2 Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

3 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4 Drunks Get Nine Months In Violin Case

5 Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6 Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus

7 Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

8 British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

9 Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

10 Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead

11 Plane Too Close To Ground, CrashProbe Told

12 Miners Refuse to Work After Death

13 Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

14 Stolen Painting Found By Tree

15 Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

16 War Dims Hope For Peace

17 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly It May Last A While

18 Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

19 Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

20 New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

21 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

22 Kids Make Nutritious Snack

23 Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Yrs in Checkout Counter

24 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

[For the uninitiated:
MAF Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries
DoC Department of Conservation
WINZ Work and Income New Zealand (who hand out the benefits)
tapu (Maori) taboo, being sacred (religion)
kakapo one of three New Zealand native parrots, now almost extinct,
despite best efforts long-term survival is questionable
]


IF NOAH LIVED TODAY...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make
it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans
and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must
complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was
sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," he shouted, "Where is the
Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems.

First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your plans
did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw
the plans and get an engineer's report from the Council. Then I got into
a fight with NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a
sprinkler system and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the
provision of smoking or non smoking areas. Then the Residents
Association objected, claiming I was violating SAM zoning ordinances by
building an Ark in my front yard that was a recreational watercraft and
therefore a threat to existing homes.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the
ban on native logging on the West Coast. They tried to get me to
use Fijian Jara but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from
Customs & Excise to import timber from a Pacific Island nation that
wasn't party to the international working party on the life cycle of
native timbers. I finally convinced DoC that I needed the wood to
indirectly save the kakapo from extinction which seemed to get a bit
of a reaction, however, the Royal Forest and Bird Society objected
and won't let me catch any kakapo. No kakapo. No wood.

Under the new Employment Contracts Act, the carpenters formed a union
and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement under the
provisions of good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw
or a hammer. OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management
and Safety procedure before they start work and ACC are insisting we
pre-pay our annual premiums on the basis we may not be returning. So
now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no kakapo and no wood.

When news got out that I was rounding up other animals, MAF arrived and
insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months
before sailing. The also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic
engineering practices were involved.

The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door.
They want an Enviromental Impact Report on the proposed flood: the area
it would cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local
micro-ecosystems, velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing
and production and local transport, areas for possible relocation and
resettlement. I tried telling them they were missing the point
entirely.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our
selection criteria does not fairly reflect the age, gender, religious
and race diversity of Earth.

Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged non
payment of child support. It seems a local baseball coach is claiming I
knocked her up last year at the tapu lifting ceremony for the
relocation of the New Plymouth cemetery. Mrs Noah is beside herself.
She's enrolled herself in the Women in Leadership Seminar and has
applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for her share of Tainui's corporate
box at Ericson stadium and is leaving me.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six
years", Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and
the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up
hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No", said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already
has."

author unknown (but clever!)

These were stolen from http://www.RixPlace.com/library/taglines.html
It says this kind of
thievery was quite common, so I take it it's ok for me to put it here.



Nudist Taglines

A Bit O'Humor

In the olden days, 2-3 years ago, a "tagline" was a one-line message
that was attached to e-mail, primarily used at private Bulletin Boards
(BBS's).

The idea behind a tagline is to tell an entire story, joke, or
express a philosophy in not more than one line. These taglines are from
the Daily Sun (Nudist) BBS (now closed) that Rick operated from
1993-1996. Rick thanks everyone whose taglines he stole! By the way:
tagline thievery was common practice among BBS'ers.

Today, taglines have evolved into "signature blocks." They've become
bloated, and can ramble on for 1/2 of the message. An art form has been
lost... (sigh)

"On the fourth day of
telecommuting, I realized that "If it's so dirty to be naked, why
clothes are totally unnecessary." do we get naked to get clean?"
-- Dilbert -- Bryan Maloney

I've got a brand NUDE attitude! You'll never catch a Nudist with
his pants down.

He who sleeps in the raw is in for
a NUDE awakening. Skin does not equal sin.

Most of the year, a Montana Nudist "Clothes make the man, but
is a Polar Bare. nakedness makes the human being."
-- Kevin Kearney

A flying saucer???!!
Naw. Some nudist just spilled his A harp is a nude piano.
coffee.

A nudist is one who suffers from A smile is the sunshine that is a
clothes-trophobia. part of life.

A waist is a terrible thing to Adam to Eve -- "I'll wear the
mind. plants in this family."

Ain't nobody's business but my own. Algebra: What the Little Mermaid
wears.

Are Scottish Nudists Off Kilt-er? At a nude wedding, everybody can
see who the best man is.

Beaches are Free, but Nudist Behind every succesfull man is
Resorts have Cover Charges. woman with nothing to wear.

"Beauty when most unclothed is
clothed best." Beware of all enterprises that
-- Phineas Fletcher (English require new clothes.
Poet, 1582-1650)

Betazoid Wedding Dress - Can't beat Counselor Troi, please report to
the price. my room. Clothing optional.

...Born naked, wet and hungry Brian Hackett on Wings: "Think of
...and it gets worse!?? it as a country - Naked Land."

Buddhist nudists practices yoga Buffer: Programmer who works in
bare! the nude.

But you can't let her drive! She's Clothes were made to tell the
legally blonde! See??! difference between lawyers and
people.

Curious how naked death is less D.A.M.N. (Naked Mothers Against
obscene than naked women. Dyslexia)

Do Nudist Resorts Clothes for the Everyone needs a place in the sun,
winter? especially when it rains.

First they take your money, then Floor: The place where you keep
your clothes. your clothes.

Keep abreast of developments: Greeting between two nudists:
Go to a nude beach. "Buffalo" (Buff-Hello!)

He who joins a nudist club pays a "Hehehe cool V.bis! Nudie .gifs!"
cover charge!! -- Baudhead

Hell's just had bad P.R. Now
I can type 10% faster in the nude. where's my 1,000,000 suntan
block?!

Home Safety Tip #1: Don't iron
whilst naked. How do nudists play Flag Football?

How do you tell a blind guy in a
nudist resort? It's not hard. I hate tanlines.

I hate tanlines. I don't have I seem to be outgrowing my
tanlines. Want to check it out? birthday suit.

I was naked when I wrote this... I'd give up women if they didn't
look so damn good naked...

I'd love to, but I left my body in I'm a natural blonde. See??!
my other clothes. Please speak slowly.

I'm as confused as a baby at a
topless bar. I'm not naked; I've got my hat on.

I'm completely nude under my Is this as much fun as you can
clothes. have with your clothes on?

If clothes make a man then what is If everyone were nude,
a nudist? there would be no war....

If God had for us to be nudists we If God had meant for us to be
would have been born that way. naked, we would be so born.

"If (the topless females) were
violating any other rules, like
If nudity was natural, we all would sitting on a subway bench topless
have been born naked. smoking a cigarette, then we would
take action!" -New York Transit
Authority

Little boy to little girl: Nudity was against everything Mom
"You can't touch it, you broke taught me. Guess what? Mom was
yours." wrong!

If you run out of underwear, you're If you want to hide your face,
streaking... walk naked.

It's hard to be serious when you're It's OK to wear the same thing
naked. every day: a smile.

Lesson #1, don't fry bacon in the Laundry: A place where clothes are
nude mangled.

Nude: Barefoot all over. "Nakedness is seldom seen but
often noticed." - Chinese proverb

Look for the girl with the sun in Make a bold fashion statement:
her eyes... Get Naked.

Naked Lunch - World Tour - 1995 Nature always sides with the
hidden flaw!

New-d callers use Georgia, New-d callers use The Daily Sun
Naturally! (Nudist) BBS... (Nudist) BBS...

Nudist investors favor a BARE Nudist Lifestyle: Nothing Ventured
market. Nothing Gained!

Nudist Timezones: Light, Dark, Nudist: "I'd give you the shirt
Hungry, Next Week off my back...."

Nudists always know where their Nudists are friendly:
towel is... When you wear only a smile you
smile a lot.

Nudists have more Sun... Nudists have no dirty laundry!

Nudists wear double-breasted Self Expression Is The Key To
Birthday Suits. Mental Health. Get naked now.

She was naked and then
&Zi?#+n*E#|2+A= NO CARRIER Sharewear (n.) -- Used clothing.

Silk was invented so that women Skyclad dancing to the beat of the
could go naked in clothes drum.

So, who's the dummy that invented
clothes? Sun your buns; do it nude!

Sun your buns. Parking Lot G. Sandy Surf naked; sharks hate to peel
Hook, New Jersey. their food...

Tagless messages just look naked Terminator bumper sticker:
somehow... I TIME TRAVEL NAKED

Trick Question: In what state were
you born? .....(Answer): Nude. The nude man fears no pickpockets!

The only red menace left in America They're laughing and having fun,
is sunburn. they MUST be up to something!

Under that black robe, is the judge Underneath all these clothes I am
nude? completely naked!

4-Letter obscenities for nudists:
"COLD" "Very funny, Scotty. Now, BEAM
"RAIN" DOWN MY CLOTHES!!!"
"WORK"

What George really said: "Read my When a New Yorker looks as if he's
lips, no nude Texans" suntanned, it's probably rust.

What should you give a nudist for
Christmas? "Which of these would look best on
What CAN you get a nudist for me naked?" -- Lwaxanna
Christmas?

Why are new nudists called
"Cottontails?" Yogi Bare was a Buddhist Nudist.

You are never fully dressed until You can always tell a nudist by
you wear a smile. the one-button suits they wear!

You don't have to be skinny to You never outgrow your birthday
enjoy skinny-dipping. suit.

Non-Nudists are involved in The Bare Family: Momma Bare, Poppa
cover-ups!! Bare, and Baby Bare.

...# May All Your Children Be Born The Best thing to wear every day
Naked #... is a smile.

The Emperor is STILL naked. Nudists wear double-breasted
birthday suits.

SANS REUNION TOUR '96 Farvergnaked: Nude German Driver.

"Take off all your clothes and walk
down the street waving a machete
and firing a Uzi, and terrified My parents told me "wear clothes".
citizens will phone the police and They also said "Santa Clause comes
report: "There's a naked person down the chimney"
outside!" --Mike Nichols

"Now you see it, now you don't..." "What spirit is so empty and
"Now you see it, now you don't..." blind, that it cannot recognize
"Now you see it, now you don't..." the fact that the foot is more
......said the nudist, rolling down noble than the shoe, and skin more
the hill... beautiful than the garment with
-The Benny Hill Show which it is clothed?"
-- Michaelangelo

1. Two women walked into a building. You'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key...".

3. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his bum.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him ?
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."

The Organic Blueberry Millionaire


An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.
The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors,
sweeping of ...).

After the test, the manager tells him: "You will be appointed on the
scale of $30 per day. Let me have your email address, so that I can
send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on
your first day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in
possession of a computer nor of an email address. To this the MS
manager replies: "Well, then, that really means that you virtually
don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having
about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of organic blueberries.
Within less than two hours, he sells the blueberries at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with
almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living
selling blueberries. Getting up early and earlier every day and going
to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a
short time.

Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen
boxes of blueberries, only to have to trade it in again shortly
afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the
owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several
hundred formerly unemployed people, all selling organic produce.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some
life insurance.

Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser
asks him for his email address in order that he might forward the
documentation.

When the man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned:
"What, you don't have email? How on earth have you managed to amass
such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine
where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the
very start!"

After a moment's silence, the blueberry millionaire replied: "Sure! I
would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!

The morals of the story are:

1: The Internet, email and e-commerce do not need to rule your life

2: Get e-mail, if you want to be a cleaner at Microsoft

3: If you don't have email, but work hard, you can still become a
millionaire

4: Seeing that you got this story via email, you're probably closer to
becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire

5: If you do have a computer and email, you're probably being taken to
the cleaners by Microsoft

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a
locker room in the police station - a room where you change your
clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated
for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


1. On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)


2. On a bag of Fritos:

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

(Evidently, the shoplifter special)


3. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)


4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's *just* a suggestion)


5. On Tosco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)


6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(As night follows the day . . . .)


7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)


8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)


10. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to what?)


11. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)


12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)


13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: Fly Delta.)


14. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)


15. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)


16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)

[For the non-Kiwis: Richard Prebble is a not-so-popular member of
parliament.]

A man on his way home from work comes to a dead halt behind a long line
of stationary cars on the Northern Motorway. He notices a police
officer walking back and forth among the cars, so he rolls down his
window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Richard Prebble is just so depressed about his
personal life - the thought of the entire Parliament being on his back
over Dover Samuels and the state of the ACT party - that he stopped
his car in the middle of the motorway and he's threatening to douse
himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says Parliament hates him
and he doesn't have the money to back ACT and get in at the next
elections. We're taking up a collection for him".

"Oh, really? How much have you got so far?"

"About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

DEAR SIR/MADAM:

I AM MR. DARL MCBRIDE CURRENTLY SERVING AS THE PRESIDENT AND CHIEF
EXECUTIVE OFFICER OF THE SCO GROUP, FORMERLY KNOWN AS CALDERA SYSTEMS
INTERNATIONAL, IN LINDON, UTAH, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. I KNOW THIS
LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOUR BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD NO PREVIOUS
COMMUNICATIONS OR BUSINESS DEALINGS BEFORE NOW.

MY ASSOCIATES HAVE RECENTLY MADE CLAIM TO COMPUTER SOFTWARES WORTH AN
ESTIMATED $1 BILLION U.S. DOLLARS. I AM WRITING TO YOU IN CONFIDENCE
BECAUSE WE URGENTLY REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE TO OBTAIN THESE FUNDS.

IN THE EARLY 1970S THE AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH CORPORATION
DEVELOPED AT GREAT EXPENSE THE COMPUTER OPERATING SYSTEM SOFTWARE KNOWN
AS UNIX. UNFORTUNATELY THE LAWS OF MY COUNTRY PROHIBITED THEM FROM
SELLING THESE SOFTWARES AND SO THEIR VALUABLE SOURCE CODES REMAINED
PRIVATELY HELD. UNDER A SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT SOME PROGRAMMERS FROM THE
CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY OF BERKELEY DID ADD MORE CODES TO THIS OPERATING
SYSTEM, INCREASING ITS VALUE, BUT NOT IN ANY WAY TO DILUTE OR DISPARAGE
OUR FULL AND RIGHTFUL OWNERSHIP OF THESE CODES, DESPITE ANY AGREEMENT
BETWEEN AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH AND THE CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY
OF BERKELEY, WHICH AGREEMENT WE DENY AND DISAVOW.

IN THE YEAR 1984 A CHANGE OF REGIME IN MY COUNTRY ALLOWED THE AMERICAN
TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH CORPORATION TO MAKE PROFITS FROM THESE
SOFTWARES. IN THE YEAR 1990 OWNERSHIP OF THESE SOFTWARES WAS TRANSFERRED
TO THE CORPORATION UNIX SYSTEM LABORATORIES. IN THE YEAR 1993 THIS
CORPORATION WAS SOLD TO THE CORPORATION NOVELL. IN THE YEAR 1994 SOME
EMPLOYEES OF NOVELL FORMED THE CORPORATION CALDERA SYSTEMS
INTERNATIONAL, WHICH BEGAN TO DISTRIBUTE AN UPSTART OPERATING SYSTEM
KNOWN AS LINUX. IN THE YEAR 1995 NOVELL SOLD THE UNIX SOFTWARE CODES TO
SCO. IN THE YEAR 2001 OCCURRED A SEPARATION OF SCO, AND THE SCO BRAND
NAME AND UNIX CODES WERE ACQUIRED BY THE CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL,
AND IN THE FOLLOWING YEAR THE CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL WAS RENAMED
SCO GROUP, OF WHICH I CURRENTLY SERVE AS CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER.

MY ASSOCIATES AND I OF THE SCO GROUP ARE THEREFORE THE FULL AND RIGHTFUL
OWNERS OF THE OPERATING SYSTEM SOFTWARES KNOWN AS UNIX. OUR ENGINEERS
HAVE DISCOVERED THAT NO FEWER THAN SEVENTY (70) LINES OF OUR VALUABLE
AND PROPRIETARY SOURCE CODES HAVE APPEARED IN THE UPSTART OPERATING
SYSTEM LINUX. AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE, THIS GIVES US A CLAIM ON THE
MILLIONS OF LINES OF VALUABLE SOFTWARE CODES WHICH COMPRISE THIS LINUX
AND WHICH HAS BEEN SOLD AT GREAT PROFIT TO VERY MANY BUSINESS
ENTERPRISES. OUR LEGAL EXPERTS HAVE ADVISED US THAT OUR CONTRIBUTION TO
THESE CODES IS WORTH AN ESTIMATED ONE (1) BILLION U.S. DOLLARS.

UNFORTUNATELY WE ARE HAVING DIFFICULTY EXTRACTING OUR FUNDS FROM THESE
COMPUTER SOFTWARES. TO THIS EFFECT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE MANDATE BY MY
COLLEAGUES TO CONTACT YOU AND ASK FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE. WE ARE PREPARED
TO SELL YOU A SHARE IN THIS ENTERPRISE, WHICH WILL SOON BE VERY
PROFITABLE, THAT WILL GRANT YOU THE RIGHTS TO USE THESE VALUABLE
SOFTWARES IN YOUR BUSINESS ENTERPRISE. UNFORTUNATELY WE ARE NOT ABLE AT
THIS TIME TO SET A PRICE ON THESE RIGHTS. THEREFORE IT IS OUR RESPECTFUL
SUGGESTION, THAT YOU MAY BE IMMEDIATELY A PARTY TO THIS ENTERPRISE,
BEFORE OTHERS ACCEPT THESE LUCRATIVE TERMS, THAT YOU SEND US THE NUMBER
OF A BANKING ACCOUNT WHERE WE CAN WITHDRAW FUNDS OF A SUITABLE AMOUNT TO
GUARANTEE YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ENTERPRISE. AS AN ALTERNATIVE YOU
MAY SEND US THE NUMBER AND EXPIRATION DATE OF YOUR MAJOR CREDIT CARD, OR
YOU MAY SEND TO US A SIGNED CHECK FROM YOUR BANKING ACCOUNT PAYABLE TO
"SCO GROUP" AND WITH THE AMOUNT LEFT BLANK FOR US TO CONVENIENTLY
SUPPLY.

KINDLY TREAT THIS REQUEST AS VERY IMPORTANT AND STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. I
HONESTLY ASSURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL AND RISK-FREE.


http://www.arstechnica.com/wankerdesk/03q2/nigerian-sco.html

Saddam versus Bush
------------------

Nach der x-ten amerikanischen Meldung "Wir wissen nicht, ob Saddam Hussein noch
lebt" beschloss Saddam, eine Nachricht an George W. Bush zu schicken, um ihm zu
zeigen, daß er noch im Spiel ist. Bush öffnete den Brief und hatte
offensichtlich eine codierte Mitteilung vor sich:

"370HSSV 0773H"

Bush konnte damit nichts anfangen und gab den Zettel Colin Powell. Dieser
schüttelte nur ratlos den Kopf und leitetet ihn an das CIA weiter. Dort biß
man sich allerdings die Zähne aus und bemühte NSA und FBI. Als auch diese
scheiterten, ging man einen Schritt weiter und befasste die NASA damit. Nach
deren vergeblichen Versuchen, die Nachricht zu entschlüsseln, trat man an die
Universitäten Berkeley und Harvard heran, die aber ebenfalls das Handtuch
warfen.

In ihrer Not ersuchten die Amerikaner nun das britische M16, sich der Sache
anzunehmen. Captain George Archibald McMillan warf einen Blick darauf und
antwortete Washington: "Sagen Sie dem Präsidenten, er hält den Zettel verkehrt
herum... "