Best Fortunes

Best Fortunes

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I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out.
Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection....
I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another.
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.
If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child....
If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parke...
If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out.
...
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James Watt's office.
-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV...
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

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