Constitutional Amendment To Ban All Pies Except Apple


Responding to a rising tide of menu dessert choices, the Bush
administration announced today the "Sanctity of Apple Pie Act," which would
prohibit the consumption or sale of any type of pie that's not
apple-derived.


"Apple Pie is one of the institutions that made this country great," said
White House spokesman Scott McLellan today, citing Baseball and Mom as
other hallowed Americon icons under consideration by the Bush
administration for federal protection. "We simply cannot risk, at this time
of heightened threat to our national identity, sanctioning the consumption
of anti-American desserts, such as lemon meringue, rugelah or chocolate
mousse. Activist chefs should not be allowed to set an alternative
agenda."


Democratic candidates for president, John Kerry and John Edwards both
condemned the proposed Constitutional amendment, saying that though they
both "staunchly support apple pie and would never think of eating anything
even remotely French for dessert," decisions concerning what kind of pie to
eat was best left up to individual states.


Polls show that Americans are almost equally divided on the idea of a
Constitutional ban on pies other than apple.


"I can only eat meat now, anyway," said Gladys M. Smeegma, of Dayton Ohio,
siting the new low-carb diet recently voted into law by the Ohio state
legislature.