Political Periodic Table





In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass.
Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all
elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons;
attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a
series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often
called Boron.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons,
quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not
possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion
and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you
do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable,
and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach
lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.