On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
A lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
The Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
7 Corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
12 space invaders
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 Postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

6 Presidents were on a sinking ship.

• Gerald Ford said, "What do we do?"
• George Bush said, "Man the lifeboats!"
• Ronald Reagan said, "Huh? What? Lifeboats?"
• Jimmy Carter said, "Women and children first."
• Richard Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
• Bill Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly, nice game."

The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of these women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.

This gained Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?"

The African leader said "One of them is a cannibal."

Good afternoon. I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat.

My mother taught me the value of education, so every day; I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one-day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for "Huckleberry Finn".

Back then, black folks in the South were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister's name was Martin Luther King, Jr.

My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, "Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school."

But life of privilege was not for me. After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me "Norma Rae".

But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre.

When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere. And the people I met at truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: "Al, we need you in Washington."

I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business -- building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's chocolate chip cookies.

Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate, where I established the US Strategic Oil Reserve. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States.

Since then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history. And, in my spare time, I invented the Internet. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, "Of course. That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?" During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern.

So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice -- words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, "Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked for me."

• Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft
  Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a "loser" crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft
  My fellow Americans: I can't do this. I just can't do this. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft
  Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft
  My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach)
  Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing", and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft
  My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida... Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft
  Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times... Ah, forget it.

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold

• Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half brothers and sisters.
• Tour the nations' prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.
• Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."
• Buy a Hooter's franchise.
• Catch up on eight-year stack of "Penthouse."
• Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and cheating skills.
• Continue work counseling interns.
• Stop using fake names in personal ads.
• Take little Buddy out three times a day -- also walk the dog.
• Get to know those Gore girls better.

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.

The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.

The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...

Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.

When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...

He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!"

The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..."

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The U.S. is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My goodness, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Bush said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's."Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Bush said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the U.S.'s decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready" and "I believe it will rain."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the U.S. shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a leaner and more cost-efficient military. "I'm pleased to report," the President spoke, "that we have downed the most sophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million dollars on an air-to-air missile."

President Bush's "Don't Ask, Just Give 'em Hell" policy is a sharp departure from former President Clinton's focus on moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy battleships a bright lavender.

The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50's era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft. "Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago. It didn't cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take out that commie."

Bush was also pleased his "Ram The Bastard" policy for Navy submarines was a rousing success. "Just think of all of the torpedoes we can save money on!" The President seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States instead of friendly countries like Japan. "Didn't Japan sink a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I'll ask Poppy."

The President wants to get the Army involved next by sending tanks into Canada. "Moscow's in Canada, right?"

• "Read My Lips - No New Interns"
• "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
• "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"
• "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"
• "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
• "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"
• "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!"
• "From Perjury To Albany"
• "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It"
• "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Mom and Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.

A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea became furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say.

She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numorous infedilities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying, "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head and replied, "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father."

Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter and pressed her for information about college.

"So, are you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.

Chelsea nodded vigorously.

"And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.

Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with these boys?"

Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened, stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."

You remember the story about Lincoln and Kennedy and all the coincidences of their lives? Well, let's compare Clinton with the Titanic:

• TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
  CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
• TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
  CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
• TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
  CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
• TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
  CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
• TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
  CLlNTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
• TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
  CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
• TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
  CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
• TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
  CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
• TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
  CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
• TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
  CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%.
• TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
  CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind.
• TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
  CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.

• Q: What's the working title of Bob Woodward's new book?
  A: "All the President's Semen"
• Q: What's the difference between Zippergate and Watergate?
  A: This time we know who Deep Throat is.
• Q: Have you heard the latest poll? 10,000 American women were asked if they'd sleep with President Clinton...
  A: And 80% said, "not AGAIN!"

• Q: Why did Monica Lewinsky go to the White House General Store?
  A: To buy some Presidential Kneepads.
• Q: Have you seen the newest Washington souvenir?
  A: It's a T-shirt that says "I blew the president, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!"
• Q: Why did Clinton meet Lewinsky in the Oval office?
  A: It was so she could debrief him.

They're playing a new game at the White House: Swallow the leader.

• Q: What's the difference between the Titanic and President Clinton?
  A: Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic.
• Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
  A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
• Clinton didn't tell Monica Lewinsky not to lie in deposition...
  He told her not to lie in that position.
• Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
  A: When Hillary is out of town.
• Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
  A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.



---

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President," the aide replies. "What do you want to do about it...?"

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

---



• Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
  A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
• Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
  A: He wants to be on top.
• Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
  A: He married her.
• Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
  A: It Takes A Village!
• Q: What was Yasser Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
  A: Goats don't talk.
• Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
  A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
• Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
  A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
• Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
  A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
• Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes HE did?
  A: A dead girlfriend.
• Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
  A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour, as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later, the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say in his August 17, 1998 Speech to the Nation.

[Translated comments are in brackets.]

Aug. 17, 1998

CLINTON: Good evening.

[Yo.]

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

[Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.

[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

[I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.

[I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government."]

In fact, it was wrong.

[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

[I was horny.]

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullsh*t...]

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.

[I lied like a bitch.]

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.

[Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?]

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of 'Soccer.' ]

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.

[I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.

[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.

[I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar.]

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

[Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God.

[Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.

[If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.

[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.

[-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up...]

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.

[I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.]

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.

[Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]

We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.

[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...]

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.

[Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.]

Thank you for watching.

[Sorry you had to see this.]

And Good Night.

[Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran!

"Monica Lewinsky! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision."

"How could that be, Bill?" asked the surprised biographer.

Bill smiled, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."

"That's odd. What is the reason?" said the biographer.

Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."

They say truth is stranger than fiction,
and slickness is rarer than friction
  With Clinton we've found
  the rules upside down--
especially with language and diction.

The latest political treatise,
American Rhapsody teases
  And generates laughter
  because the last chapter
proclaims Clinton talks with his penis.

Bill's heated reaction was fleeting
when he got his gene-mapping readings
  'Cause his genes present
  a brand-new defense
against his disbarment proceedings.

And in his disbarment proceedings,
this brand new defense will be pleaded
  His lips will not move,
  and that's how he'll prove
the lies were all told by his penis.

The judge in such case must be awesome
to measure such jetsam and flotsam.
  That must be why
  when this case is tried,
the judge in the case is a Johnson.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House.

Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theatre."

The stamps were duly released and Clinton was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.

He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate the matter. Hillary checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Clinton.

She said: "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."

Back when President Clinton was still in office and you tried to call the White House on the phone during the day, this is what you often heard:

You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call.
Have a nice day now!

If you are male and would like to leave a message for the President,
press 9.

If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president,
press M-O-T-E-L-6.

If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea,
press N-O-W-A-Y.

To leave a message for Buddy,
press D-O-G.

To leave a message for Socks,
press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

To leave a message for Roger Clinton,
press A-A.

To leave a message for Ted Kennedy,
Press 7-A-N-D-7.

If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom,
press D-O-L-L-A-R.

If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee,
press Y-E-N.

If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program,
press F-R-I-G-I-D.

If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno,
press W-A-C-O.

To leave a message for a member of Congress,
press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

To leave a message for the Gore 2000 campaign,
press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

If you wish to make a complaint,
press B-I-T-E-M-E.

To speak to an operator,
press O.

To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the President will

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of the United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess.
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate.
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit.
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal.
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore.
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.
4. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life.
3. He can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof.
2. Bill isn't sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy.
1. If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral.

Priceline.com's stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law.

Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to "name your own price" for Congressional influence. "This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets."

In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and "name their own price" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.

William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an "off-camera" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, "This is going to be *big*, really *big*."

From: The White House
To: Albert Gore, Jr.

Dear Al:

We found some more votes. You won!

When do you want to take over?

Sincerely,

George W. Bush

Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.

Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.

Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Bill Clinton

P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.

Dear Tide,

I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since my college days, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriend's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests where negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Yours truly,
Gary Condit

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," the child says.

"Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.

"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.

"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."

"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted by robots."

Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.

"After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."

Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I'm gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card.

But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn't want to appear like I didn't know what I was doing. Isn't it nice of Florida to give the money anyway.

I know, if the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!

Dateline Wash D.C Dec. 30, 2004

December 30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press)

After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton).

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. "We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks," Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or five hours. Let's get to work!"

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president - New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect,trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK."

Torre's four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives. Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately.

Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known." The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:

• Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.

• Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home.

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back until after Bush's term ends. "One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something."

Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.

In a bi-partisan move, President Bush nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which of course happens only every 20 years)?

• 1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
• 1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
• 1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
• 1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
• 1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
• 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
• 1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
• 1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely Survived Assassination Attempt and left suffering from Alzheimer's)

Now....want a re-count, George???

A tribute to William Jefferson Clinton to be sung to the tune of "Candle in the Wind"

Goodbye Bubba's Jeans
Though you always grew in your pants
You had the grace to hold yourself,
Till a woman graced the room.
You called out through the country,
While you whispered to those babes in pain,
You can take me to heaven
And then deny it all the same!

And it seems to me you spent your terms
Keeping Bimbos on the run:
Always knowing where to turn to
When you wanted some.
And your footsteps will always fall where,
Women like guys named Bill
Your legacy will never last
But your libido always will.

Goodbye Bubba's jeans
The nation will miss your style
We'll miss that pouting lip
That trembled when you felt our pain.
And even though we'll try
The truth that you are really gone
Will bring us all to tears;
When your wife is no longer running things.

And it seems to me you spent your terms
Keeping Bimbos on the run:
Always knowing where to turn to
When you wanted some.
And your footsteps will always fall where,
Women like guys named Bill
Your legacy will never last
But your libido always will.

Goodbye Bubba's jeans,
You wanted to be just like JFK
And now you've done it,
Making Monica your Marilyn Monroe.
We hope that it was worth it,
Dragging the country through the mud,
So you could satisfy that urge,
The one that's run you out of town.

And it seems to me you spent your terms
Keeping Bimbos on the run:
Always knowing where to turn to
When you wanted some.
And your footsteps will always fall where,
Women like guys named Bill
Your legacy will never last

I wanted you to know that I got ahold of Al Gore's first draft of his concession speech. I'm told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.

"What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election.

"Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They best be watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.

"Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.

"Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election.

"To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in "Goofy" you would have been better off.

"And to my home state of Tennessee. The "Volunteer State." Well, I got your "volunteer" hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.

"All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I'd fight for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I'll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make Hillary my Vice President.

"What a pisser."

There were Bushisms and Quayleisms, and now there are Goreisms.....

• "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
• "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
• "Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
• "Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
• "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
• "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
• "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
• "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
• "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
• "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
• "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
• "The future will be better tomorrow."
• "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
• "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
• "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
• "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
• "Public speaking is very easy."
• "I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
• "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
• "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
• "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
• "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
• "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
• "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
• "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
• "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
• "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
• "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

Have you heard? Early indications are there will be two less holidays in Washington, D.C. next year. Neither Halloween nor Thanksgiving will be observed as the witch is moving to New York and taking the turkey with her.

Patient: "Huh? What? Where am I?"

Nurse: "You're in the hospital. You've been in a coma."

Patient: "How long was I in a coma?"

Nurse: "Ten years"

Patient: "Wow... Who's President?"

Nurse: "Bush"

Patient:

Patient: "How's the economy?"

Nurse: "Lotta layoffs"

Patient:

Patient: "Who else is in the White House?"

Nurse: "Cheney and Powell"

Patient:

Patient: "Are we by any chance bombing Iraq?"

Nurse: "Yep"

Patient: "HOW long was I..."

Nurse: "Ten years"

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat... Just simply quit thinking and vote that way! But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare the below and see how you rate:

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the militaries, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain other parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

To the citizens of the United States of America:

Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary
2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save the Queen"
3. Start referring to "soccer" as football
4. Declare war on Quebec and France
5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
6. Learn to play cricket
7. Enjoy warm flat beer and British cuisine
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday
9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks
10. Driving on the left is now compulsory

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and... have a jolly nice day and incidentally, Thanksgiving is not to be a legal holiday anymore.

A lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system. Even the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren't making much of a showing this year. These parties just never seemed to make that cut for some reason:

• The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
• The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
• The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
• The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
• The Private Party... No comment.
• The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
• The Search Party... Looking for members.
• The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
• Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
• The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.

• Having to brush up on Spanish just to read hate mail.
• Armed troops + civilian resistance = Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.
• In the Elian TV movie, she'll likely be played by John Lithgow.
• When she gets angry, she turns green and muscles burst through clothes just dry-cleaned.
• No one believes, "It was a chocolate gun pointed at Elian's head."
• Whenever she calls "Playboy" and offers to pose, Hefner's "in a meeting."
• Saying, "It's the tear gas" when crying at "Erin Brockovich."
• When Lenscrafters runs out of gigantic, outdated, poorly-fitted frames.
• Men who feel inadequate when she brings battering ram into bedroom.
• Constant political pressure to reunite Hall and Oates.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof! And just like that..her ears fell off.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm Alan Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary? Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.

So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-something acres as I recall. That's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down--that's $440,000--leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. We do those kinds of deals all the time. Now let's have a look at your financial statements.

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and you salary is--oh, dear--$200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?

And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas. Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year--assuming, of course, she's elected so even with your pension you're still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center-hall colonial where the schools aren't so good.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991, correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It flopped, in other words.

But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. If you had gone to Yale business school instead of Yale law, you could probably get your money back. Don't get upset. It was just a little joke.

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail. Maybe you could still get your money back.

This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine. Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But--oh!-those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4 million in the hole.

How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're relying on the charity of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!

And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you're not lying on you loan application? Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should know about?

You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much in the clear, indictment- wise. What does that mean? You don't think--don't think--she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's a remote possibility --note that I say "remote"--that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a financial history that can only be described as "checkered", plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners! You've got your mortgage!

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department, in addition to the controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, former President Clinton also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan. With minutes to go before his term expired, Clinton signed an order to pardon himself.

Clinton's press liaison defended the pardons. "President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us.

"While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56 years. We think he deserves a second chance."

Clinton seemed to identify with Hitler. "There were forces constantly at work against him. I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you."

Clinton's pardon of Satan drew some right-wing Republican protests. Representative Dan Burton called upon Clinton to appear before Congress and explain the action. Burton believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for the pardon and Clinton's soul.

Democrats were quick to dismiss the charges. Senator Tom Daschle said, "These charges are bogus because President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago."

Just before he posed for pictures on Inauguration Day with the new president, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself "for any goddamned thing anyone wants to pin on me, for all eternity -- even things they've not found out about yet!"

• George W. Bush: Goofed at his inauguration by saying, "I'm tired of people treating the presidency like it's some kind of federal job." Created international incident when he called the Chinese prime minister Hop Sing. Defeated in 2004 by Democrat Warren Beatty.
• Al Gore: Never did concede election. Went into seclusion in Tennessee, where he attempted to file patents on ATMs, Barbie and instant oatmeal. Wife Tipper eventually had him committed to a sanitarium. He spent final years ordering nurses at Pleasant Days Ahead to bomb Yugoslavia.
• Joe Lieberman: Went back to U.S. Senate and continued campaign against Hollywood smut. Resigned after photos surfaced on the Internet depicting him in compromising positions with Dr. Laura.
• Dick Cheney: Scared children at the 2001 White House Christmas party with his dark portrayal of Santa Claus. Wanted to declare war on Iraq again but nobody would let him. Grabbed his chest and keeled over when his daughter showed up at White House dinner with Ellen DeGeneres. President George W. Bush raised eyebrows at the funeral when he said, "It wasn't a heart attack, and I fully expect Dick to resume his duties as vice president later this week."
• Warren Christopher: Distinguished life and career came to an untimely end when he fell asleep in a subway station. Mistaken for dead, he was cremated. Al Gore raised eyebrows at the funeral when he referred to Christopher as "my secretary of state" and credited him with inventing the United Nations. After delivering the eulogy, Gore stunned observers by grabbing wife Tipper for an open-mouth kiss.
• James A. Baker III: As a reward for his loyalty, Baker was allowed to secretly run the country during the term of George W. Bush, a job he also held during the Reagan administration. After leaving politics, Baker became the new voice for Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons."
• Jeb Bush: Bush loses his reelection bid to Green Party candidate Fidel Castro, blaming the defeat on a butterfly ballot used in Miami-Dade. Later was appointed U.S. attorney general by his big brother. Other department heads ruffled his hair and called him Bobby at Cabinet meetings.
• Bill Clinton: Compromise proposal to remain president the rest of his life rejected. Allegedly pinched Laura Bush at inauguration. Divorced by wife Hillary. Spent final years as a broken man, running Po Boy Billy's BBQ stand in Arkansas.
• Katherine Harris: Became a partner with Tammy Faye in developing line of beauty-care products called Sensuous Republican. Nominated as best supporting actress for her portrayal of the Borg Queen. Achieved lifelong ambition in 2028 when President Tom Feeney appointed her as ambassador to Chad.
• Chief Justice Charles Wells: Florida Supreme Court jurist left bench to star in WB courtroom show: "Judge Chuck!" Issued landmark ruling in 2005 that said a wife who has a sex-change operation and sleeps with her husband's sister is not entitled to alimony. Ruling was overturned by U.S. Supreme Court.