1. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

2. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

3. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

4. You! Off my planet!

5. Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

6. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

7. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

8. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.

9. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

10. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.

11. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

13. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

14. If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil...

15. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

16. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

17. Allow me to introduce my selves.

18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

19. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”

20. Better living through denial.

21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

22. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

23. Adult child of alien invaders.

24. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

25. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

26. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

27. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

28. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

29. Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

30. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

31. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

32. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

34. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

37. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

38. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

39. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

40. Earth is full. Go home.

41. Is it time for your medication or mine?

42. I plead contemporary insanity.

43. And which dwarf are you?

44. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

45. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

46. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

47. Meandering to a different drummer.

48. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

49. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?