1. Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

2. Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST ARMING UP!)

1 . What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

12. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

13. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

14. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

15. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART III (Just Great Stuff)

1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

4. What do you get when you cut off an Italian's right arm?
A Wop with a speech impediment.

5. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
The cage along with... "A recipe".

6. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

7. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

8. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men
chased one black man, we called It the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it
the PGA TOUR.

10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides