1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to
ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my
bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their
sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get
your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or
whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your
credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just
continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his
name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long
as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie
and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds
pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this
really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will
give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck
she could know you from.

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an
even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep
going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would
you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered,
but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a
complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget &
Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too?
How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling
to employees! Oh well, see ya."

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at
home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)