Trouble in Heaven

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an
affair with a former worshiper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old
woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only
son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking
about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his
child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "No sexual relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come
out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any
commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled
laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know
only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who
are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out
that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was
originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in
order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's
investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the
large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last
election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and
Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the
giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special
interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true then this could be a huge blow to God's
career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and
harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-
crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been
introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed
out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers
for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being
an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.