Masturbation Song

You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You"
or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."

Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers
and a wanker or a muff

'Cause everybody's doin' it,
all across the land
Masturbators Of America,
Give Yourselves A Hand!

It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it
ask your parents how it's done

You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip
between your hips and get a thrill

'Cause everybody's doin' it,
and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourselves a Hand!

(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you
jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)

You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert
while you watch the Grateful Dead

You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it,
Michael Jackson jacks it off

Your attitude will soften,
your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand