The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since
a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise
learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real
simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we
surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't
open the hatch."

@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#

Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a
medium, who promised she would contact the dead man.

During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband
standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.

"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"

A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my
table."

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the
Beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to
Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you
used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a
Wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember
How after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on
The cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on
Her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after
we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it
Was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have
Believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom
Wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella.
Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when
He noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he
Ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got
In front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died
recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for
you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It
would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called
out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that
his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few
things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.