College Majors:

1. ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read
little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good
grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody
with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying
Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big
white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white
whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is
actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

2. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there
is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in
philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

3. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists
are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training
a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my
roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is
now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about
rats, you should major in psychology.

4. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away
the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology
courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read
a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered
scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious
observations into scientific - sounding code. If you plan to major in
sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose
you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of
prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between
groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you
can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get large government
grant.