Original Handbook of Football

With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the
previous complications of having to remember the difference between
second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a
strike in baseball and not football.

Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game,
especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas
Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where
you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex
metaphor.

No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications
of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook Of
Football.

WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (if you're not on the field,
get on)

your 10 yard line ............. holding hands

your 20 yard line ............. hugging

your 30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek

your 40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips

MIDFIELD............. tongue kissing(you're in serious territory)

his/her 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off

his/her 30 yard line ............. all clothes off

his/her 20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)

1ST AND GOAL............. put on the condom

GOAL LINE............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)

NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE
ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN
HOW YOU GOT THERE.

kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date)

kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep
in your own end)

on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near midfield, On
side kicks are good if they work but are risky)

kick return...............How far you get on the first date

NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST
DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS,
HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.

Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards(get further with
her, In Canada, you get two downs and then you best kick ie. ask
out a new girl cause you ain't getting further with this one. Americans are
more patient, they get three downs before they should kick
again.

Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.

Passing Play..............Skipping stages

OH, OOOHH, AAAHHH!!!

Fumble....................Impotence

Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection

Interception..............Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER WAY!!
STOP!!)

OTHER DEFINITIONS

Turnover..................Anal sex

Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3 pts (Field goal range begins
around their 30, when the clothes are off!)

Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6pts

Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards

Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number

High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms

Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home

Pile Up...................ORGY

Missed Field Goal.........Wide right, Wide left or even worse, too short!

3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move thoseYardsticks)

THE OFFENSE

Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary

Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions

Center(HUPPER)............Doggie Style

Running Back..............A hand-off

Tight End.................Self Explanatory

Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End

Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination)

DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)

Defensive Line............Condom

Break in the defense......Condom breaks

The Safety................The Pill (just to be safe)

A Blitz...................A "Quickie"

PENALTIES

Roughing..................S & M

Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints

Offside...................Premature Ejaculation

THE BOWLS

Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)

Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex

Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex

Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America

Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)

Hula Bowl.................(Use your imagination)

SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE
DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE THEM, HERE ARE
SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK
OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS.

1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it
turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.

2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid-field but
then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work
because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to
their 10 yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to
the Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out to be
the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!

3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup

4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal
attempt I was short.

I LOVE THIS GAME!!