Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the
dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue
kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to
get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:


First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew
thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and
sometimes not.

Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.

Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.

Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.


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Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex
drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well
we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado:

Standardized Guide to the Bases!
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!!
Walk - Kissing
Bunt - Masturbation
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels
Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
Home Run - SEX!
Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
Error - Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom
Hall of Fame - Marriage
Balk - Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar - KY jelly
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly\
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rookie - Virgin
Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Minor Leagues - Under 18
Loaded Bases - manage a trois
Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity:

OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...

NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park
home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!

NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief
pitcher.