B i z a r r e +ACE-

Hello, and welcome to Bizarre+ACE-. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
After an 11-hour standoff in South River, New Jersey, police finally
persuaded three family members to come out of their apartment lined entirely
with aluminum foil. The family told police that the foil was to keep out
"moonbeams and rays from the outer planets..."

When best friends Jamie Moody and Timothy Dodge of Oregon got into a heated
argument, Moody grabbed a shotgun in hopes of "intimidating" Dodge into
settling down. Instead, Dodge put the barrel of the shotgun in his mouth and
"dared his friend to shoot." He did. According to reports, the two were
arguing over who was the better clamdigger...

Three Texas men are in federal court on charges of conspiring to assassinate
President Clinton and other government officials. Their plans, revealed last
month in court documents, included producing botulism toxin from "chicken
livers, chicken hearts and green beans with a little dirt," then shooting
poison-tipped thorns from modified cigarette lighters to kill their intended
victims..." and y'all are from what planet, again?

An Arizona man says his relationship with a 13-year-old Mesa girl is
perfectly acceptable because he is a witch. Nathan Shoecraft maintains that
his Wiccan religious beliefs "allow him to have sex" with the minor girl.
Other Arizona Wiccans disagree, and claim that Shoecraft is giving witches
everywhere a bad name...

When a 911 dispatcher in Bethel, Connecticut got a call and heard only
silence on the line, four police officers, paramedics and an ambulance were
immediately dispatched. At the scene, they found an empty house-- except for
a parrot, and a phone off the hook...

A schoolteacher walked into the police station in Kampala, Uganda and
demanded to be shot. "Can't you just get a gun and shoot me?" begged Hamidou
Namoyo, who was upset over losing his job. Officers reportedly told him he
was "speaking to the wrong department" and shooed him away... down the hall,
to your left...

Hallmark spam: after Craig Shergold was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 9,
he received a world-record 33 million get-well cards with the help of the
Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. Ten years later, Craig's cancer is
gone, but the cards just keep coming. It's not that he's ungrateful. Craig
credits the "upliftment" from all the cards for his recovery. But after
receiving 250 million cards and letters, he justwants it to stop... I'm sick
to death of all this mail...

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced
that "Lucky," a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal Germany,
is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a
bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He nudged his third owner off a
railway platform in front of the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express. And he walked
his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The
new owner won't be told of Lucky's record - they say the dog might sense
nervousness and "do something silly..."

A man identified only as Mr. Humphrey jumped off a 7-story riverside parking
garage in Norwich, England. According to friends, Mr. Humphrey had "a
passion" for jumping off bridges and other high places. Pacing along a ledge
before he jumped, he called down to police officers to ask how deep the water
was. Apparently, he didn't hear the answer: three feet...

When Milwaukee police arrested a driver on a traffic violation, he kept
insisting they had the wrong man. Ernest Hickles repeatedly told police that
it was his brother, Earnest Hickles, who was wanted on several warrants.
After six days in jail, police released Ernest, realizing they already had
his brother Earnest in another cell. Hickles' grandmother blamed their mother
for the confusion. "She gave both kids the same name because she didn't want
anyone to know she had another baby..."

Three sisters in Davie, Florida say they'll sue the Broward County Sheriff's
Office on a complaint of police brutality. But witnesses say the girls-- a
16-year-old and 15-year-old twins-- ganged up on Deputy Eric Caldwell and
"beat him with their platform shoes..." disco lives...

Police in Ft. Lauderdale are pretty sure they've got their man in a rape and
robbery investigation. They say that Ken Willis left his keys at the crime
scene. When police went to his home, the keys fit the lock. When they
arrested Willis, he was wearing socks on his hands... if it doesn't fit, you
must acquit...

After installing a new 917,000 security system at the Redwood City Hall of
Justice, officials announced that "anything resembling a weapon would be
confiscated." Hours later, deputies got their first catch-- a bread making
machine. Officials were quick to point out that "it had wires and a timer..."
and it was set all the way to "mix..."

After eight months, police in Paola, Kansas still had no leads in the child
molestation case of two young children- until one of the girls spotted the
man on a television game show. Matthew Fenwick won 4,400 on Wheel of Fortune,
but it won't cover his 50,000 bail... I'd like to buy a clue...

A Michigan jury awarded 200,000 to a 27-year-old man who claimed that an
automobile accident turned him into a homosexual. The man's attorney told
jurors that after the accident, the man moved back home with his parents and
started hanging around gay bars... must have been a rear-end collision...

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the gene pool: Darwin Coates
of Pasadena, Maryland accidentally shot himself in the groin with a .22
caliber handgun. While he was on the floor, his cousin, Gregory Johnson, took
the gun away and stuck it in his pants. It went off again...

When the owners of a gas station in Baltimore County, Maryland arrived at
work Monday, they discovered an automatic teller machine had disappeared
overnight. The thieves were caught on security camera videotape, but police
have no leads. The robbers were all wearing garbage bags over their heads...
let's hope nobody suffocates in the lineup...

A New Jersey man is suing Pfizer Inc., claiming that Viagra made him crash
his car. Used car salesman Joseph Moran of Colonia claims that "blue vision,"
one of the known side effects of the drug, distracted him while driving,
causing him to hit a tree and two parked cars. Moran also says he saw blue
streaks "shoot out from his fingers" as he reached to remove an
audiocassette... cool, do that again...

A Wisconsin man was arrested and charged with attempted murder after
attacking his father with a hatchet. Kenneth Kartman told police that he had
to kill his family to prove his college thesis. According to District
Attorney Jim Peterson, Kartman "believed that somewhere on the other side of
the world, there would be a mother who would be killing her young son and
that this would somehow bring the opposites into union and would in some way
further the development of mankind." Peterson described Kartman as "somebody
who wasn't thinking clearly at the time..." remember, kids, just say NO to
college...

In a tragic case of mistaken identity, a man in Winnipeg, Canada had his
penis severed with a steak knife while he was sleeping. Police believe the
man was the victim of a mix-up involving another man and his ex-girlfriend.
Doctors are trying to repair the damage, but were unable to reattach the
severed article, despite "an intensive search by the Winnipeg police dog
unit..."bad dog...

That's Bizarre, and remember, it's all true...