Subject: Christmas party announcement

MEMO

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon
in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.

No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus!

====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party". The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?


======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

=====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight
hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time
of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party -- the days are so
short this time of year -- or else package everything
for take-home in little foil swans.

Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms.

Did I miss anything?

=====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire
regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by
our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks.

Okay???


======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by
having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the
anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at
Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey
or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up?


======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!?

I've had it with you people!!!

We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
#$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but
you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm
hearing them scream right now!


=======================================================

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanu-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!!