A Programmer's guide for Shoot_Self_in_Foot

How To Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen
countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember
which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to
help programmers in such dilemmas.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops
around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.

APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others
and saying, "that's me, over there."

Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States
Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing
squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
language, you shoot yourself in the head.

sh, csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five
hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and
switch to C.

Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets,
you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to
explain it to you.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet,
its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the
gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document
explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot
comes back deep-fried.

Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the
emergency room.

COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until
entire lower body is waterlogged.

PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline
bullets, The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples
its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your
foot.

SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a
bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet
into yet another foot (a left foot).

lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself
in the appendage which holds...

scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

FORTH: begin gun foot shot bullets not or blood until

English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

Apple: We'll let you shoot yourself, but it'll cost you a bundle.

IBM: You insert a clip into the gun, wait half an hour, and it goes off in
random directions. If a bullet hits your foot, you're lucky.

Microsoft: Object "Foot" will be included in the next release. You can
upgrade for $500.

Microsoft: You can shoot yourself in the foot, but the method is buried in
the docs somewhere.

Cray: I knew you were going to shoot yourself in the foot.

Hewlett-Packard: You can use this machine-gun to shoot yourself in the foot,
but the firing pin is broken.

NeXT: We don't sell guns anymore, just ammunition.

SCO Open Desktop SCOPaint: You shoot yourself in the foot with a popgun.

Sun: Just as soon as Solaris gets here, you can shoot yourself anywhere you
want.