COLLEGE "BURGER JOINT" CONVERSATIONS FROM AROUND THE
NATION:

MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been
an A. Have some fries."

Stanford: "Dude, I got a B."
"Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have
been a C. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some escargot."

Harvard:"Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Williams:"Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay."
"Ditto. Have some fries."

Columbia:"I wish that I could be eating these fries at a
better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a
better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Dartmouth:"Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was
fuckin' awesome ..."
"Have some beer."

Smith:"God I'm desperate."
"Me too. Have some fries."

Tufts:"I wish I were Ivy league."
"Here drink the fry grease."

Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew
catalog."
"Here, look through mine. Have a Bison
Burger."

Boston College: "Huh, huh. It's cool being a rich idiot."
"Yeah, yeah, have some fries."

Emory: "You hear Duke won the NCAA basketball tournament?"
"Listen dickhead - I told you NEVER to mention Duke
- EVER!, give me a coke."

Johns Hopkins: "I killed everyone in my orgo class this
weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

U. of Florida: "I hear another tourist got shot."
"Yeah, sucks. Have another Bean Burrito."

Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow."
"Yeah, me too. Let's finish this keg and go
laugh at the American U. students."

Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night."
"Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."

William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this
stupid colonial outfit."
"Me too. Pass the glass-blowing
equipment."

U.S. Naval Academy: "Sure wish I had last year's final
engineering exam."
"No kidding. Pass this year's final
engineering exam."

Carnegie Mellon U.: "I sure wish we had some women here."
"What are women? Have some vivarin."

Wellesley: "God, I'm desperate." "Me, too. Pass the tea."

Vanderbilt: "I didn't get into my sorority because my daddy
doesn't make enough money."
"Don't cry princess. Have some Baked Lays."

Barnard: "I sure wish there were some men here." "Have a banana."

Smith: "Oh my gosh! I love your hair."
"Sorry, I'm straight.. Pass the fries."

***********************************************************

YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT IF......
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of
which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without
sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value
Meal Plastic Cups (ie. Olympic
Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between
laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back
of a pick-up (one trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying
Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over
and introduce yourself.
13. If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM.
14. If you consider pizza one of the four major food
groups.
15. If you consider the other three to be beer, McDonalds,
and candy.
16. If you've ever missed a class to watch Ricki Lake.
17. Or play Warcraft.
18. If you've ever sent e-mail to the people you live
with.
19. If you refer to your meal card as "plastic".
20. If you've ever spent a good hour searching for your
student I.D. just so you could get that
one dollar off at the movies.
21. If you've ever stayed up all night just so you wouldn't sleep through your morning
class.