The Best Fruit Cake Ever Ingredients:

1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup nuts
1 or 2 quarts of aged whiskey

Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, ain't it?
Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the
whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the
highest quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you
can.

Repeat.

With an eclectic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at
this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad
while you weren't lookin'. Open second quart if nestessary.

Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit an beat til high. If druit gets
shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.

Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of
salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a schit.

Chample the whitchey shum more.

Shitf in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add
100 babblespoons of brown booger or whushever's closhest and mix well.

Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole
mesh into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle.

Check dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.