Santa Claus Meets the X-Files


Location: 57 Elm Street, Bethlehem, PA.
11:51 pm, December 24

Mulder: We're too late. Its already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Mulder: Look Scully. Just like the other homes. Douglas fir,
truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls
decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney
with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone or something.

Scully: Mulder, over here. It's, fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be deadly.

Scully: It's OK. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's
naughty and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity
who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered
servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature
is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and
punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's legend Mulder. A story told by parents to
frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonight Scully. Check out the bite
marks on this gingerbread man, Whatever tore through this plate
of cookies was massive - and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look Mulder, this milk
glass has been completely drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop
its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors
and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute Mulder. If you are saying some huge
creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney you're
crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get
through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all
directions?

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly Scully. I've never told anyone this, but when I
was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had
long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head.
Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror.
I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on
the facial features of my father.

Scully: Impossible!

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It
brought me a Mr. Potato Head. Scully, it knew I wanted a Mr.
Potato Head!

Scully: I'm sorry Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the
laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural
being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little
girls and boys. Listen To what you're saying. Do you
understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the
X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me. It knows when you are sleeping.
It knows when you're awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes
detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The
White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian
reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington D.C..
Nobody - not even the zoo keeper - was told about it. The
government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle.
They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public
would stop spending half of its annual income in a holiday
spending frenzy. Retail markets would collapse. Scully, they
cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much
at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to ensure another silent
night.

Scully: Mulder, I ...

Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?

Scully: On the roof. It sounds like a ......a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.