Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for
the real "you"? In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have
been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these ...

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion
and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone
else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I
want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at
all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous
people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly
as gratifying.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary
fears.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter
words than "I told you so."

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming
my parents.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.