Chemistry 101: New Elements

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the
first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally rounded in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not
handled with great care.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when
left alone.

Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green
when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

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Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily bent out
of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample.

Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO at any opportunity.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time.

Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Good methane generator. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.