Quotes of Groucho Marx:

How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it,
misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter
stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Someone: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me
too".

I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I
don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from
here!

To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you
bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the
set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If
he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake
that, you've got it made.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse

Go, and never darken my towels again.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

[Image]Time wounds all heels.

[Image]Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done
for me?

My mother loved children ... she would have given anything if I had
been one.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're
upstairs in my socks.

"Seven? That many?" She blushed, and said, "Well, I love my
husband." Groucho came back with, "I love my cigar, too, but I take it
out once in a while."

Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is
probably more than she ever did.

Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used
to live in whales for a while.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce
that I was born at a very early age.

This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy..and I bet he was glad to
get rid of it

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my
pajamas I'll never know.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . .
But we're going back next week.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open your
mouth and remove all doubt.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Women should be obscene, and not heard.

In a restaurant to a waitress: "Do you have frogs legs or do you
always walk like that....

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child
of five.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake
that, you've got it made.

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's
to dark to read.

Hello I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going.
I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that alps
themselves.

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the
party.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the
politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

"Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought
I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

How would you like to feel the way she looks ?

My mother treated us all equally ... with contempt.

Someone: "The garbage men are here" Groucho: "Tell them we don't
want any".

Follow me men. Never mind men - just the women.

I like my women warm and my champagne cold.

Blood's not thicker than money.I cannot say that I do not disagree
with you.

Room service? Send up a larger room

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
just whispering in her mouth"

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Man: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me too".

The last time I saw legs like that was on a billiard table.

We give em a seventy-five cent meal that'll knock their eyes out.
After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want.

I drink to make people interesting.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but found it
too unwieldy.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I'll never forget my wedding day..they threw vitamin pills.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the
slip.

I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.