The Lawyer

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were
sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's
name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the
lawyer saying, ... "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy
the balls."
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Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's
court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."
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Whose Duck is It?

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he
attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer
suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr.
Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I
just shot," he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine,"
replied the farmer. Mr.Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized
who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I
don't care."

"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the
reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a
free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for
your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless
on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "in Montana the only law we go by is the '3
kicks law.'" "Never heard of it," said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get
to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to
kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He
grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer.
"Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the
groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he
hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.

After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right,
now it's my turn," said Johnny.

"Aww, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."