Twelve Gay Days Of X-Mas

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Twelve Gay Days Of X-Mas

The Twelve Gay Days of Christmas

Letters to a Boyfirend at Christmas


Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 14, 1997
Dearest James:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised. See you at the Black Party.
With deepest love and devotion,
Lance


Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 15, 1997
Dearest James:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable. I just painted the kitchen a great lavender color and the doves
really set it off.
All my love,
Lance



Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 16, 1997
Dearest James:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Lance



Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 17, 1997
Dear James,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful
but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Lance


Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 18, 1997
Dearest James:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. But you know I just love
jewelry!
All my love,
Lance



Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 19, 1997
Dear James:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying in my hallway.
So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I
ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket. And they're ruining my apartment.
One of them even ate my anal-eze lubricant and I had to use butter with my
new boyfriend.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Lance



Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 20, 1997
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of
God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the apartment and it
ruined my organdy carpet, and they never stop with the racket. You know how
I love long baths but the birds have taking over the bath tub.
I can't sleep at night even though I'm taking double doses of prozac and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Lance



Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 21, 1997
OK. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking? A gay man with 8 maids! It's not enough with all those birds and
8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is
shit all over the Place and I can't move in my own apartment. Just lay off
me, smart ass.
Lance


Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 22, 1997
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? You know I like a little spanking now
And then, but now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning
Couldn't you at least find gay pipers? Give me some guys to amuse myself
while I curse you. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all
over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Lance



Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 23, 1997
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. And my lesbian friends won't come over
because they're pigs and straight. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building
shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.


Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 24, 1994
Listen! Fuckhead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. All you do is
send fucking straight guys who are maid crazy. Some of those broads will
never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been
committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious
swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Lance

Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
402 5th Ave.
New York, NY
December 25, 1997
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Mr. Lance Johnson. The destruction,
of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Mr. Johnson at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please
find attached warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole

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  501. [page] Three Jokes
  502. [page] Three Strong Mice
  503. [page] Tickle-Me Elmo Factory
  504. [page] Time For God
  505. [page] Tips For A Lifetime
  506. [page] Tipsey Fruit Cake Recipe (Alternate)
  507. [page] Tipsy Fruit Cake Recipe
  508. [page] Titanic (the Short Sarcastic Version)
  509. [page] Titanic S Last Mystery Revealed
  510. [page] To My Dear Girlfriend
  511. [page] To Women Everywhere From A Man Who S Had Enough
  512. [page] Tom Swifties
  513. [page] Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created
  514. [page] Top 10 Slogans Rejected By Motel 6
  515. [page] Top 10 Summer Camps You Should Not Send Your Kids To
  516. [page] Top 10 Signs That You Know It S Time To Join E-mailers Anonymous
  517. [page] Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
  518. [page] Top 12 Pick Up Lines And Comebacks
  519. [page] Top 21 Things Not To Say When Pulled Over
  520. [page] Top 25 Signs That You Have Already Grown Up
  521. [page] Top 33 Sexually Suggestive Lines In Star Wars
  522. [page] Top 36 Seminars For Males
  523. [page] Top 50 Things To Say When You Catch Your Roomate Having Sex
  524. [page] Top Seven Fears Of The Fabric Softener Bear
  525. [page] Top Ten Elf Pick-Up Lines
  526. [page] Top Ten Reasons Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex
  527. [page] Top Ten Reasons It Sucks To Be A Dick
  528. [page] Top Ten Rejected Slogans For Firestone Tires
  529. [page] Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Men And Women
  530. [page] Top Ten Sex Jokes
  531. [page] Top Ten Signs You Re At A Redneck Wedding
  532. [page] Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
  533. [page] Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
  534. [page] Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World
  535. [page] Trojan Horse Warning
  536. [page] Trouble In Heaven
  537. [page] True Ending To The Empire Strikes Back
  538. [page] Truisms
  539. [page] Truth About Reindeer
  540. [page] Twas The Month After X-Mas (Dieters Version)
  541. [page] Twas The Night Before X-Mas (Computer Version)
  542. [page] Twas The Week After X-Mas (Y2K Poem)
  543. [page] Twelve Gay Days Of X-Mas
  544. [page] Two Assholes
  545. [page] Two Blonde Jokes
  546. [page] Two Indians And A Polack
  547. [page] Two Italian Men
  548. [page] Two Things To Worry About
  549. [page] Universal Grade Change Form
  550. [page] Urban Legends All In One Letter
  551. [page] Vacuum Salesman
  552. [page] Van Gough S Relatives
  553. [page] Versailles
  554. [page] Veterinarian
  555. [page] Vibrator
  556. [page] Vincentian Vs American
  557. [page] Vulgarity Test
  558. [page] WORK Virus
  559. [page] Ways To Tell You Re Too Drunk
  560. [page] Wedgewood Shooting
  561. [page] Weird Job Interviews
  562. [page] Weird Local Sex Laws
  563. [page] What Day Is Your Birthday?
  564. [page] What Do You Call Your Dick?
  565. [page] What Does Your Name Mean? (Mean Version)
  566. [page] What Guys Names Mean
  567. [page] What Guys And Girls Are Really Saying
  568. [page] What Men Really Mean
  569. [page] What Are Dogs And Cats Really?
  570. [page] What Do You Want In A Woman?
  571. [page] What S Your Screen Name Mean?
  572. [page] When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac
  573. [page] Where Is God?
  574. [page] Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
  575. [page] Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
  576. [page] Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
  577. [page] Why Girls Like Guys And Vice Versa
  578. [page] Why God Never Got Tenure
  579. [page] Why I Fired My Secretary
  580. [page] Why Jesus Is Better Than Santa Claus
  581. [page] Why Nagging A Man Doesn T Work
  582. [page] Why We Should Feel Sorry For Tech Support
  583. [page] Wilbur And Martha
  584. [page] Windows 98 Southern Edition
  585. [page] Windows Errors In Haiku
  586. [page] Winter Wonderland Computer Parodies
  587. [page] Wisdom From The Bathroom Walls
  588. [page] Woman S Guide To Male Bashing
  589. [page] Women Rule
  590. [page] Women Are Bright Because
  591. [page] WordPerfect Helpline
  592. [page] Work Phrases
  593. [page] World S Shortest Books
  594. [page] Worms And Alcohol
  595. [page] Worst Analogies
  596. [page] Worst Country Songs
  597. [page] Y0K And Y1K Problems
  598. [page] Yo Mama So Stupid (and Ugly)
  599. [page] You Know You Re Getting Old When
  600. [page] You Know You Re An Idiot When
  601. [page] You Might Be A Yankee If
  602. [page] You Might Be From Lousiville If
  603. [page] You Might Have A Redneck Yard If
  604. [page] You Might Be A Redneck If
  605. [page] You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If
  606. [page] You Re Lost In The Generation Gap Between Baby Boomers And Generation X If
  607. [page] Yummy Fingers