The Twelve Gay Days of Christmas
Letters to a Boyfirend at Christmas
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 14, 1997
Dearest James:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised. See you at the Black Party.
With deepest love and devotion,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 15, 1997
Dearest James:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable. I just painted the kitchen a great lavender color and the doves
really set it off.
All my love,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 16, 1997
Dearest James:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 17, 1997
Dear James,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful
but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 18, 1997
Dearest James:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. But you know I just love
jewelry!
All my love,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 19, 1997
Dear James:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying in my hallway.
So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I
ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket. And they're ruining my apartment.
One of them even ate my anal-eze lubricant and I had to use butter with my
new boyfriend.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 20, 1997
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of
God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the apartment and it
ruined my organdy carpet, and they never stop with the racket. You know how
I love long baths but the birds have taking over the bath tub.
I can't sleep at night even though I'm taking double doses of prozac and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 21, 1997
OK. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking? A gay man with 8 maids! It's not enough with all those birds and
8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is
shit all over the Place and I can't move in my own apartment. Just lay off
me, smart ass.
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 22, 1997
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? You know I like a little spanking now
And then, but now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning
Couldn't you at least find gay pipers? Give me some guys to amuse myself
while I curse you. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all
over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 23, 1997
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. And my lesbian friends won't come over
because they're pigs and straight. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building
shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 24, 1994
Listen! Fuckhead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. All you do is
send fucking straight guys who are maid crazy. Some of those broads will
never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been
committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious
swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Lance
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
402 5th Ave.
New York, NY
December 25, 1997
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Mr. Lance Johnson. The destruction,
of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Mr. Johnson at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please
find attached warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole