Pre-Coital Agreement
First Edition

Pre-nuptial agreements seem to be fashionable in Hollywood at the moment.
So this is intended for young people, wanting to jump on the bandwagon,
about to begin a sexual relationship with each other.

Insert information and tick boxes where applicable
Section 1- To be completed by the boy concerned
I, (insert here boy's name) do solemnly swear that I sincerely want to
shag (insert here girl's name).

[ ] I will not try to take things too fast
[ ] I will not say "I love you" to get an easy lay (also applies to
"you're so beautiful" and "you are really special")
[ ] I know what foreplay is
[ ] I may actually consider foreplay
[ ] I will try not to act like an overenthusiastic pneumatic drill
[ ] I will wear protection (and that doesn't mean a cycle helmet)
[ ] I will not wear my socks
[ ] I will not dump the goods and scarper
[ ] I will attempt to make conversation afterwards
[ ] I will not fall asleep just because mr monkey has
[ ] I will not boast to my friends... much
[ ] I will not exaggerate my stamina when recounting the incident
[ ] I will not make lewd remarks referring to the physical structure of
the aforesaid girl.
[ ] I will make not make any comment including the words "like humping a
hippopotamus"
[ ] I will not mention the girl's in/ability to climax
[ ] I will not recommend her to a friend
[ ] I will not dump the girl when I have been satisfied



Section 2- to be completed by the girl concerned
I, (insert here girl's name) do solemnly swear that I sincerely want to
shag (insert here boy's name).

[ ] I will not say no and mean yes
[ ] I will not say yes and mean no
[ ] I will not tell my mom of my intentions
[ ] I will not giggle when I first see him naked
[ ] I will not accidentally on purpose oops! forget to take the pill that
day, and end up with a lovely sweet chubby milky baby with those cute
little fingers, and don't you just love the way they smile at you, and the
way...
[ ] I will not pretend to be asleep if I don't feel like it
[ ] I will not back out at the last minute, after firing him up on all
cylinders, without a really good reason
[ ] I will not laugh too much if he starts thinking he's Austin Powers and
shouts " Yeah baby, yeah. You want me, don't you? I make you horny, don't
I?"
[ ] I will not fake an orgasm... unless he wants me to
[ ] I will be responsive, and avoid lying there thinking about shopping
[ ] I will not say "was that it?"
[ ] I will not persist too much if he has come off and I haven't
[ ] I will not be too emotional afterwards
[ ] I will not call my friends up straight away afterward
[ ] I will make sure my friends don't giggle whenever he walks past
[ ] I will not diminish his anatomy in my retelling of the tale
[ ] I will tell everyone how great he was... loudly


Section 3-For the couple to complete together

We both agree the purpose of this shag is
[ ] purely physical sensation
[ ] an expression of our love for one another
[ ] a bet
[ ] We will not do it in our parents bed
[ ] We will be careful about where we put the condom afterwards
[ ] We will make sure no one can see us whilst we're getting busy
We both understand that sex does not mean
[ ] love
[ ] possesion
[ ] marriage
[ ] nothing
[ ] an excuse to use the other person's credit card

Signed
........................... and ........................

Please send this on, you could make a difference to someone's sex life!