"Are you a lesbian?" - a heckler
"Are you my alternative?" - Florynce Kennedy

"They say that lesbians hate men.
Why would a lesbian hate a man?
They don't have to fuck them!" - Roseanne



"What's a bridal shower if you're gay?
It's the parade of gifts you'll never get cause you're
homosexual.
Come in and take a look at the blender, toaster, silverware
you'll have to buy yourself!!!
I hate that. I don't bring a gift anymore, I take one.
I have six cuisinarts. I don't give a shit... they owe us."
-Suzanne Westenhoffer


"I can't help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say,
'Who's the dyke in the dress?'" - Karen Ripley


"For a long time I thought I wanted to be a nun.
Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a
lesbian." -Mabel Maney


"If male homosexuals are called 'gay,' then female
homosexuals should be called 'ecstatic.'" - Roberts' Rules
of Lesbian Living by Shelly Roberts


"Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a
secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend.
'I had a great time with ....THEM.'
Great! Now they don't think you're queer ~ just a big
slut!" - Judy Carter


"Men often say, 'Women! Who could ever understand them?'
Don't ask a lesbian for the answer.
All you'll get is a sympathetic nod." - Joanne Brigden


"My mom blames California for being a lesbian.
'Everything was fine until you moved out there.'
'That's right, Mom, we have mandatory lesbianism in West
Hollywood.
The Gay Patrol busted me, and I was given seven business
days to add a significant amount of flannel to my
wardrobe." - Coley Sohn


There were 3 kids in the family...one of each sex.
(Beverly's Note: This is a reference to the somewhat
ancient concept that lesbians were actually a 3rd sex,
being either male nor female because they did not behave as
"normal" females but were not genetically males. The same
was felt to be true about gay men and this idea was
probably started by either the lgbt community or supporters
as 'proof' that we are born 'this way'.)


"If homosexuality is a disease, lets all call in queer to
work
'Hello. Can't work today, still queer'." - Robin Tyler


"Introductions are tricky in a lesbian relationship. It's a
word game.
To my friends she's my lover, to strangers and family
members in denial she's my roommate, to Jehovah's Witnesses
at the door she's my lesbian sex slave, and to my mother
she's Jewish and that's all that matters." - Denise McCanles


"A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination,
the doctor says, 'Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you
do to keep yourself so hygenic?'

The woman responds, 'I have a woman in twice a week.'"


"We're invisible, we're like stealth lesbians, low-flying
and undetectable.
Well if they can't see us, then let's do whatever the hell
we want."
- Kate Clinton


" My lover asked me if I wanted to have children.
I told her I didn't know, but we should keep trying." -Suzy
Berger


"My partner and I joined a support group for monogamous
lesbians - it was great until she met someone there."
-Margo Gomez


"It's hard to be a lesbian comedian these days. Like there
was an easier time.
Oh, the Renaissance, that was a good time to be a lesbian
comedian."
- Kate Clinton


"When my mother found out I was gay she sent me to Juvenile
Hall.
That's smart. Sending me to live with five hundred girls
who can't get out!" - Kat Howard


"Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Groom" - the name of Robin
Tyler's openly lesbian comedy album.


"I don't think of them as lesbian supervisors, I think of
them as county supervisors who happen to be lesbians.
A lesbian supervisor would have a very different job:
'Hey you, cut those nails before you hurt somebody.'"
-Marga Gomez (on lesbians in local government)


"That word lesbian sounds like a disease.
And straight men know because they're sure that they're the
cure." -
Denise McCanles