TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH . . .

If you think you're fat, you probably are . Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on
the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good
at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something
but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the
hassle