100+ ways to tell if you're stuck in the80's -
1. Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister.
2. You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack.
3. You think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome."
4. You're still bitter that Wham! broke up.
5. Punky Brewster is your hero.
6. You type all of your term papers on a Commodore4.
7. You still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster's.
8. The only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man.
9. You're building your own Clockwork Smurf.
10. Your summer attire is Jellies and Jams.
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video.
12. You consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms.
13. You wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks.
14. You call all motorcycle cops "Ponch."
15. Every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks.
16. You're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up.
17. You know who Stinky Sullivan is.
18. You work out with "Get in Shape Girl."
19. You want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up.
20. You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night.
21. You know who Loverboy is.
22. You think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion.
23. You think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis."
24. You can sing the theme song to Small Wonder.
25. Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!"
26. You still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards.
27. You write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born in the USA" the national anthem.
28. You still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine.
29. You know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma.
30. You stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The Neverending Story."
31. You have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak.
32. You still practice your Care Bear Stare.
33. You know that girls just wanna have fuh-un.
34. You can name all The Wuzzles.
35. You harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair.
36. You can do the Safety Dance.
37. In your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club".
38. You like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. Someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. Your prized possesion is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks.
41. You know whose number is 867-5309.
42. You get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career.
43. You're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control.
44. You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to.
45. You consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century.
46. You have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train.
47. You want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers.
48. You still watch things on Beta.
49. You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand.
50. You know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a tv show.
51. Your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on."
52. You always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house.
53. Your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.
54. You saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act.
55. You liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser.
56. You know which Hollywood Square Jm J Bullock was in.
57. You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows.
58. You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts.
59. You're still wondering who really was the boss.
60. You know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for.
61. You keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the Physical Challenge.
62. You organize weekend tournaments of TV tag.
63. You still drink New Coke.
64. When you watch "Terminator" you wonder where Vincent is.
65. You know ALF's real name.
66. You never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs.
67. You can name all of the Thundercats.
68. You got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese.
69. Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent.
70. Your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann.
71. Sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out.
72. You're planning a dream vacation to Mepos.
73. You use your Speak and Spell to phone home.
74. You know the original members of Menudo.
75. Sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love.
76. When you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back..
77. You remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion."
78. You know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.
79. People are constantly gagging you with spoons.
80. Your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian."
81. The only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes.
82. You still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date.
83. You hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital.
84. You know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from.
85. You have "We Are the World" on 5.
86. You're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik.
87. You can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you.
88. You watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs, that's for sure."
89. "Goonies" is your favorite movie of all time! (I added that one! -MDR)
90. You can remember Alanis Morissette's career before Jagged Little Pill.
91. Every day, you take a ride on the Great Space Coaster.
92. You want to party with Spuds Mackenzie.
93. You can still identify any "My Little Pony" by solely by its magical markings.
94. You know the answer to "Who's that Girl?"
95. Thanks to the Coach, you know the location of Albania, its terrain and its main export.
96. You proudly wear your prized collection of jelly bracelets and charm necklaces.
97. You want to get physical with Olivia Newton-John.
98. You know the name of the other guy from Wham!
99. When someone mentions rap, you think of Run DMC and the Fat Boys.
100. You still wear banana clips.
101. You don't think Boner is an inappropriate nickname for a friend.
102. When a problem comes along, you just whip it.
103. You had sunglasses that were also a headband.
104. You're still asking, "Where's the beef?"
105. You remeber when Belinda still sang with the Go-Go's
106. You ate Reeses Pieces because E.T. did.
107. You remember when nobody believed Snuffy was real.
108. You played Donkey Kong before you even cared what Nintendo meant.
109. Every one of your favorite cartoons had its own cereal.
110. On long car rides you break out the Mad Libs.
100 Ways To Ensure That You Won't Get Laid
1. Say you're from Arkansas.
2. Drool.
3. Show them your gun.
4. Keep talking about your mommy.
5. Lick peoples' faces.
6. Tell people about your Michael Jackson shrine.
7. End each sentence with "so when do we fuck?"
8. Tell complete strangers about your dreams "It was old my old high school, but it was lit up like a casino.. Do you know what I mean?"
9. Talk about your extensive porn video collection.
10. Admit to people that you watch Dawson's Creek. Also works for Felicity, Party of Five, 90210, etc.
11. Ask for spare change.
12. Show everyone your track marks.
13. Complain about those strange sores on your genitals that just won't go away.
14. Tell people that you voted for Ross Perot.
15. Two words: Pope hats.
16. Bring in Polaroids of your hemorrhoid.
17. Describe your yeast infection in detail.
18. Talk about your ex-lover's funeral.
19. Offer to bring her back to Burke to meet the guys.
20. Recite bad poetry.
21. Grab your genitals.
22. Grab theirs.
23. Yodel in bed.
24. Squirt liquids out of your eyes.
25. Ask them to pop the zits on your back.
26. Bark.
27. Wear overalls.
28. Burn rubber. Burn rubbers.
29. Carry a box of Depends.
30. Say "I enjoy making speeches during sex."
31. Keep saying "I think that would fit up my butt."
32. Sing the score to Jesus Christ Superstar.
33. Light your head on fire.
34. Talk Quebec politics.
35. Play the bagpipes.
36. Drop your pants and point to your genitals.
37. Lie about your identity.
38. Start your pick-up with "I've been following you."
39. Write love letters in blood.
40. Carry a teddy bear.
41. Show-off your body piercing.
42. Grab their face.
43. Speak really loudly and keep asking them if they're scared.
44. Offer them a toot on your gluebag.
45. Start masturbating.
46. Never stop screaming.
47. Say "I'm not making love to you. My other personality is."
48. Show them your meat hook.
49. flash your CSU business card.
50. Tell them about your condom recycling ideas.
51. Shout out the name of your last lover...Raoul Cedras, Haitian dictator.
52. Duct tape a dead fish to your forehead.
53. Hump their clothes in public.
54. Ask if you can bring some friends
55. Ask if you can bring your father.
56. Pick, pick, pick your nose.
57. Wear a Hitler moustache, especially if you're a woman.
58. Ask them to marry you right away.
59. Blame them for everything.
60. When they take off their clothes, burst out laughing.
61. Shit in bed.
62. Show off your stigmata.
63. Spend all day chatting online and not actually seeing a single person.
64. Offer to mutilate yourself to prove your love.
65. As soon as you meet say "Commitment or death, it's your choice."
66. Ask them to join your suicide pact. "Have you ever had sex while plummeting to the ground in a flaming vehicle?"
67. Tell them your crossbow is your best friend.
68. Make gurgling noises at the table.
69. Refuse to wear a condom. "I've never worn a condom and I've had over 100 lovers."
70. Wear an End of the World sandwich board.
71. Scream in pain while urinating.
72. Ask "How come sex always ends in death?"
73. Use napalm as lubricant.
74. Tell them you can suck your own member.
75. Gag while kissing.
76. Suck their nose.
77. Shit your pants and sing a song.
78. Eat things you find on the street.
79. Bring them to an International Socialist meeting.
80. Tell them O.J. is your hero.
81. Tell them, "If we're going to have sex I'm going to have to get batteries."
82. Whip a gerbil out of your butt. Roll it up and smoke it.
83. Get into your Smurf outfit.
84. In the middle of sex say "Hey! This is way better than sheep."
85. In the middle of sex "Hey! This is way better than pumpkins."
86. Pull your tampon out. Swing it around your head and yell "Your goin' down Goliath!"
87. Tell them you cry everytime you see "Edward Penishands."
88. Demand cash up front.
89. Say "I'm doing this because I feel sorry for you."
90. Keep yelling "Next!"
91. Never get their name right.
92. Instead of foreplay try selling them a vacuum cleaner.
93. Show them your tail.
94. The minute you get to their place, hump their dog. Smile crazily.
95. Wear a helmet all the time.
96. Start doing "The Safety Dance."
97. Begin with "The instruction manual said..."
98. Put your underwear on your head.
99. Be yourself.
100. Make lists about how not to get laid.
101 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what
happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen
you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk,
anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're
taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from
the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,"...I'm Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any
Shnerples here?"
31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
32. Take bets on the battle described above.
33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
"Mission: Impossible."
35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I
need some tampons!!"
36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restrooms
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those
voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.
51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
possible "sex and candy"
52. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your
head and walk around the store casually.
53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
mannequins.
54. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic as possible.
59. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and
women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
61. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
various funnels.
62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you
do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
the ground screaming and having convulsions.
64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
out.
65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it in various aisles.
67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
carts when they don't realize it!
70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
of your nose and saying "Oh god, your over powering the
perfume!!"
71. Hit on the elderly.
72. Hit on 5 year olds.
73. In the food aisle, pretend like there's a little bug, slowly
move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
crazy. Then finally yell out "Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
the biggest Cockrouch I've ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
Hey look, there's another one!!!" Then Repeat.
74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.
75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.
76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy English Man. Say things like "Cheerio, good man." to
people who walk by. And don't forget to have perfect posture.
77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
don't know you.
78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
wanting to use it, start barking at them until
they run away crying.
79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and "accidentally" hit the people instead of your
friend.
80. Excesively use anything thing that says "Try Me".
81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.
82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.
82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
"Hello, how may I help you?" say "Yes, I'll have a Quarter
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a diet coke." And when they start to talk, say
"Oh, to go". Then when they say that they can't give it to you
say "Oh, This is because I'm gay isn't it? I'd expect this from
Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else your know. You digust me" Then walk away
mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can
83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to have a rash too.
84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
"multiple personalities". Have an English man, a Southern
person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
sound like this: "Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
good time.(English)" "Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)" Etc.
85. Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and legs around like your having some kind of massive
seizure.
86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
store.
87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then when it doesn't go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look around you to see who's watching and run away
as fast as your can.
88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus song.
89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department
90. Put lingerie in the men's department.
91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men's carts when they turn
around.
92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
start crying and saying "All I ever wanted was a little
attention" Then run away crying.
93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don't look away, just
stay mesmerized.
94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say "Help me. The voices in
my head are telling me to do naughty things." Then clap your
hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
"NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO
NO NO NO!!!!" Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
eyes, and Calmly say "I...will start...a fire..." The pull out a
zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don't
light the zippo, just hold it closed.
95. Light a match under a spinkler.
96. Walk up to someone and say "Oh, so your back for more. I
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shot gun". Then walk away.
97. Walk up to a guy and say "Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
god it is!!! I haven't seen you in so long!!!!" Then kiss him.
Then slap and him say "Why didn't you ever call me??" Then
walk away. Much more affective if you're a guy.
98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. "Finally, my shift is done. I really don't get
paid enough to do this"
99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.
100. Act like your about to cry and ask people "Have you seen
my mommy?"
101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.
BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
101 Ways To Be Annoying
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and
then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
"astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to
your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright
warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental
movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J.
Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
the tray.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
(c) 1996, WitCity Studios
10 Commandements of a Teenager!!!
1) Thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2) Thou shall not do drugz (alcohol last longer)
3) Thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger
effect)
5) Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has
more money)
6) Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in
the middle)
Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in
a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't
want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He
would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-
nighter.
Top 10 Ways To Tell Santa Is A Computer Nerd
----------
10. He's got long hair, a beard and wears the same clothes all the time.
9. He hangs out with a weird group of friends he calls "elves".
8. He's got a goofy laugh and chuckles at anything.
7. He loves getting mail.
6. Children like him, teenagers laugh at him, adults pretend he doesn't exist.
5. He makes all the toys himself believing no one else can do as good a job.
4. He thinks nothing of hacking into your home late at night.
3. He refuses to sell his toys, preferring them to remain shareware.
2. He shuns conventional transportation and insists on
using a sleigh pulled by reindeer.
1. His biggest regret on Christmas Eve is that his
red suit doesn't hold a pocket protector.
10 of Daddy's Rules for Dating
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all
of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and
your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during
the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill
you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is: early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you
cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. PLaces
where there is dancing,holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange stargts
acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in
a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
Send this to 0 people and you will never get a date
Send this to 1 -5 people only dorky people will be attracted to you
Send this to 5-10 people you will get asked out, but it won't amount
to much
10 + you will live a charmed life, and will have lots of dates.
122 Pick Up Lines
1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop 'em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile is you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels......NOW!
18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
30. You have some nice jewellry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh?
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I'd look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a fuck?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nug you?
54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
57. Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.
58. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
59. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
60. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
61. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
62. Let's do breakfast tomorrow--should I call you or nudge you?
63. You know what I like about you? My arms.
64. I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... On a Wednesday.
65. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?
66. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA-approved cosmetics?
67. You're ugly, but you interest me.
68. Screw me if I am wrong but you want to fuck me don't you?
69. Do you believe in one-night-stands?
70. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear.
71. If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me?
72. If I gave you a negligee for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?
73. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
74. I'm leaving this place... want to cum?
75. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? And are you dissapointed?
76. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!
77. Who's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
78. Ok, fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.
79. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
80. Free mamograms, get your free mamograms here, get 'em while they're hot!
81. Do you have a quarter? Too bad, becuase I need to call my mother and tell her that I found the woman of my dreams.
82. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
83. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
84. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.
85. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
86. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.
87. Did it hurt? Woman: Did what hurt? When you fell out of heaven?
88. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
89. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
90. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?
91. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
92. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
93. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
94. You smell wet. Let's Party.
95. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
96. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
97. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
98. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
99. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime...
100. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
101. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
102. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
103. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
104. Excuse me, do you live around here often?
105. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?
106. What's your sign?
107. You have the ass of a great artist.
108. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
109. Let's take a shower together -- you smell.
110. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
111. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
112. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...
113. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
114. "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here."
115. "What was that?" "That sound." "It was the sound of my heart breaking."
116. I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?
117. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
118. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
119. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM.
120. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
121. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?
122. Have you ever played leap frog naked ??
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to
ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my
bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their
sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get
your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or
whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your
credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just
continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his
name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long
as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie
and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds
pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this
really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will
give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck
she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an
even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep
going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would
you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered,
but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a
complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget &
Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too?
How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling
to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at
home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
Ways to reject pick-up lines
1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
3.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
4.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who
used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to
dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
6.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
7.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
8.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"
9.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach
her in a club while she was in college with the line,"Where have you been
all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half
of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
10.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just
walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?"
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were
good looking, but he was mistaken."
11.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes"
had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies
explained how she handled it once...
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately
blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
12.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
You make me wanna... Zee
1998 Bumper Stickers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you
can find a rock.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask
if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa
suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way
home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse
to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he
comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last
payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note
that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a
stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that
says, "For Santa."
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They
always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and
fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he
looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the
house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been
"trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up
like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This
neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
25 Signs You're Getting Older
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie -- the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids -- not
condoms and pregnancy-test kits.
20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Top 25 Ways To Drive Your Roommate Crazy
1. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the
hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go
back to bed. If yourroommate asks, say you don't know what
he/she is talking about.
2. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same
room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid
of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever
again.
3. Buy a Jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
4. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your
turn."
5. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."
6. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.
7. Punch a hole in the TV Set and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.
8. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't
belong."
9. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
your normally would.
10. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.
11.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
12. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster
with two players."
13. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it
up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer".
14. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on
them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the
music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and
say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
15. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to
the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's
possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
16. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.
17. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb
with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often
about the cost of new lightbulbs.
18. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her
do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around
campus. If Your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right
to know!"
19. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.
Find One that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It
had to be done."
20. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson!
Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!)
21. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask
your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your
roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it
look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the
funeral.
22. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
23. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever
you'd like to have a conversation.
24. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When
your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering
a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later,"
while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
25. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go
and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry,
shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what
they're talking about.
27 Ways to Relieve Stress
1. Shove 20 marshmellows up your nose and try sneezing them out.
2. Use your Master Card to pay off your Visa.
3. WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU TO HAVE A NICE DAY, TELL THEM THAT YOU HAVE OTHER
PLANS.
4. Make a TO-DO list of things that you have already done.
5. Put your little sister's clothes on her backwards, and send her to
preschool as though nothing were wrong.
6. Fill your taxes out in Roman numerals as revenge against the government.
7. Draw underwear on the natives in National Geographic.
8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
9. DRIVE TO WORK IN REVERSE.
10. Refresh your self: put your tongue on a cold steel guard-rail.
11. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to
you.
12. READ THE DICTIONARY UPSIDE DOWN AND LOOK FOR SECRET MESSAGES.
13. Bill your doctor for the time you spend in the waiting room.
14.write a short story using alphabet soup.
15. STARE AT PEOPLE THROUGH A FORK AND PRETEND THEY ARE IN JAIL.
16. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
WAIT!!!! Why are there only 16 things on this "27 Ways to Relieve Stress,"
you ask? Well, I didn't feel like typing the ones that weren't very funny!!!!
30 Fun Things to do When Driving
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell "fire, fire!" Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)
SEND THIS TO:
0 people: your life will be a living hell
1-5 people: someone will get a crush on you
5-10 people: your crush will ask you out
10-15 people: you will go on a date with your crush
15-20 people: you will go to a dance with your crush
20-25 people: you will make out with your crush
25+ people: you will SCORE with your crush
30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
39 Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid:
1)A few clowns short of a circus.
2)A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3)An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4)A few beers short of a six-pack.
5)Dumber than a box of hair.
6)A few peas short of a casserole.
7)Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
8)The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9)One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10)One taco short of a combination plate.
11)A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12)All foam, no beer.
13)The cheese slid off her cracker.
14)Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15)Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
16)He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
17)An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18)As smart as bait.
19)Chimney's clogged.
20)Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
21)Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
22)Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
23)Forgot to pay her brain bill.
24)Her sewing machine's out of thread.
25)His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
26)His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
27)If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
28)Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
29)No grain in the silo.
30)Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
31)Receiver is off the hook.
32)Several nuts short of a full pouch.
33)Skylight leaks a little.
34)Slinky's kinked.
35)Surfing in Nebraska.
36)Too much yardage between the goal posts.
37)Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
38)The lights are on, but nobody's home.
39)24 cents short of a quarter.
40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN
1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her
to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present,
not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes
it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do
is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the
pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's
necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In
real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to
show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If
she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she
might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup
kitchen.
send this to everyone you know or else you'll have bad sex for ever!!!
40 THINGS TO PROVE YOU'RE A NEW YORKER
01. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means
Manhattan.
02. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
03. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a
long week end, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
04. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
05. The subway makes sense.
06. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the
Metro.
07. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
08. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big
Apple".
09. Your door has more than three locks.
10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
12. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
13. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.
15. You think Central Park is "nature."
16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
17. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet
and you think it's a "steal."
18. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both
times.
19. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the
U.S. pay in rent.
20. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since
you went away to camp as a kid.
21. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most
Americans are heading to bed.
22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
23. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977,
and when you did, it terrified you.
24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28
cents.
25. You take fashion seriously.
26. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
30. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
31. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
32. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
34. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your
toes.
35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
36. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
37. You don't hear sirens anymore.
38. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air
qualityand what it's doing to your lungs.
39. You live in a building with a larger population than most
American towns.
40. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is
Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is
Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner
owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese,
your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newstand guy is Indian and
your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
45 fun things to do on a paper you don't care about
1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts
with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking
them all over the professor's door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of
your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish
Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would
have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking
them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog
from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do
the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if
it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious.
If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the
paper actually exists.
10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper
was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words,
right?
11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer
crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the
original.
12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your
bibliography.
13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of
the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain
that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive
military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis.
Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.
15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you
were trying to get the feel for the period.
16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher
confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the
paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it
back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This
is a nifty way to get an extension.)
17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate
cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your
primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you
until the next full moon.
19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that
on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run
over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned
by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did
tell you to include footnotes.
21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper,
perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the
paper and correct all your typos.
22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper,
opera-style, and hand that in.
23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that
might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from
several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different
perspectives on your work.
25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and
hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an
emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what
you had to say.
27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc
Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King
Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.
28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a
member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of
trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the
words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the
time.
31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a
few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows
on the way to class.
33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text
overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is
"less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle
would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers'
reactions to Spuds McKensie.
35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.
36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for
pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other
interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an
interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.
37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the
picture as a resource.
38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and
screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class
a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell,
"There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all
through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the
paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the
horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things.
For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in
Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire
collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For
example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin
"Sparky".
42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew
you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty
Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline
of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in
a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".
Okay, guys, we've been in school for a few weeks now, and in case you find
your classes to be dull, try a few of these things to liven up class a bit.
50 Fun Things to Do In Class
by Alan Meiss
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode
of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip
the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention
to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY
EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name,
even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5"
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
"stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of the People
in the Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned
it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a
good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it
at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn
it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I
forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time
required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it
finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new
friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The
Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape
it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After
doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to
you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never
provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension,
and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you
leave.
28. Put a large, gold framed portrait of the British Royal Family
on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes
and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic
beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the
bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is
smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e.. the Delete key is A
Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note
loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking
it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar
so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard.
Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you
do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and
resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until
you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly
exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole
time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and
leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special
effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that
the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep
laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse,
then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the
table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this
time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk
to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get
a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that
the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and
say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for
the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
71 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM YOU KNOW THAT
YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've
got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then
start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I
have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the
exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15
min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min,
put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of
the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest
proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2
rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if
necessary.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've
been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And
who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know
one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb
that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a
clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
Next section submitted by Jeremy Willis
31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last
15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.
33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
34. Bring cheerleaders.
35. Bring pets.
36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
37 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.
38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
39. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)
40. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.
41. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing
loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this
drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
42. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
43. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
44. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.
45. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
46. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
47. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.
48. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.
52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to
use the phrase "Told you so".
53. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks"
54. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the
person next to you as if he\she did it.
55. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience
that you once had. If you can't think of anything, make something
up. Be creative. End the story with "I just thought I should tell
you."
56. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think
that you're someone else.
57. Play loud music.
58. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and
throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them.
Do it casually, as if that's what you are supposed to do after an
exam.
59. Dress like the professor.
60. Cross-Dress.
61. Borrow a friend's Video taping equipment and set up a lot of
lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to
imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.
62. Two words: Plastic Explosives.
63. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if
you're supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the
words "Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?"
It doesn't matter if they are baked goods or not.
64. Trip people as they walk by your desk.
65. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.
66. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything
that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make
a show of it.
67. Make several origami animals out of the test papers.
Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.
68. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the
classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you.
When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules
of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
69. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
70. Order catering. The catering company should come in about
halfway through the test, and should include at least three
waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
71. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay,
let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C.
Number three, E...."
7 WAYS TO BE ANNOYING ON CHRISTMAS
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back
and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town,
Santa Claus is coming to town..."
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it.
Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly
complain about how you never get to join in on the
reindeer games.
4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front
teeth..."
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and
eat the best parts first.
6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a
little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a
picture of a snow man and this poem:
'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop
All you get is the snowman's poop!'
Don't call me a Generation X-er
I am a child of the eighties what I prefer to be called. The nineties can do without me. Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer. When I got home from school, I played with my Atari 2600. I spent hours playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge'em Cars or Frogger. I never did beat Asteroids. Then I watched "Scooby Doo." Daphne was a Goddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of their psychedelic van. I hated Scrappy. I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played army with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and Decepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows and Velveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube. I got up on Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman," and "SpaceGhost." In between I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction junction, what's your function?") On weeknights Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld the doors shut? At the movies the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming up with the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there is another." Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in Moscow. My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico and collected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.) My siblings and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel we found creative uses for Connect Four pieces like throwing them in that big air conditioning unit. I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for Jack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his dreams, red, gold, and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "You Can't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." Cor! HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Head of the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow. I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore, and bacon had to move over for something meatier. My mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunch box, and filled my Snoopy Thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would never eat the snack cakes, though. Did anyone? I got two thousand cheese and cracker snack packs, and I ate those. I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday. Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair with the working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about music and plants. They just loved Beethoven. Field day was bigger than Christmas,but it always managed to rain just enough to make everybody miserable before they fell over in the three-legged race. Where did all those panty hose come from? "Deck the Halls with Gasoline, fa la la la la la la la la," was just a song. Burping was cool. Rubber band fights were cooler.substitute teacher was a baby sitter/marked woman. Nobody deserved that. I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don't remember ever doing anything. The world stopped when the Challenger exploded. Half of your friends'parents got divorced. People did not just say no to drugs. AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer. Somebody in your school died before they graduated. When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it. We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak. We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut. We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My Little Ponies and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a little bit like I would when I was a woman. Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape player,Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's. Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The GUMMY BEARS and why did they take the Smurfs off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and step-families. The Pokka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated? We are the ones who stNancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric Company. Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes; preferably hightop Velcro Reebox - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you cool. The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot? Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream, and those years defined us. We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties. If this is familiar, you are one of us... pass it on to all the others...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A Case For The FBI
------------------
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding
marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break
every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom
and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my
garden plowed."
CHRISTMAS JUST WASN'T THE SAME.
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was
Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the
Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the
overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking
all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin
earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my
reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't
even back yet! What am I going to do?".
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy
night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to
stick the Christmas Tree this year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to
pass. . . .
A Programmer's guide for Shoot_Self_in_Foot
How To Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen
countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember
which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to
help programmers in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops
around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others
and saying, "that's me, over there."
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States
Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing
squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
sh, csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five
hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and
switch to C.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets,
you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to
explain it to you.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet,
its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the
gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document
explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot
comes back deep-fried.
Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the
emergency room.
COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.
BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until
entire lower body is waterlogged.
PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline
bullets, The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples
its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your
foot.
SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a
bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet
into yet another foot (a left foot).
lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself
in the appendage which holds...
scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
FORTH: begin gun foot shot bullets not or blood until
English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
Apple: We'll let you shoot yourself, but it'll cost you a bundle.
IBM: You insert a clip into the gun, wait half an hour, and it goes off in
random directions. If a bullet hits your foot, you're lucky.
Microsoft: Object "Foot" will be included in the next release. You can
upgrade for $500.
Microsoft: You can shoot yourself in the foot, but the method is buried in
the docs somewhere.
Cray: I knew you were going to shoot yourself in the foot.
Hewlett-Packard: You can use this machine-gun to shoot yourself in the foot,
but the firing pin is broken.
NeXT: We don't sell guns anymore, just ammunition.
SCO Open Desktop SCOPaint: You shoot yourself in the foot with a popgun.
Sun: Just as soon as Solaris gets here, you can shoot yourself anywhere you
want.
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep
their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and
appeared to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new
pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and
true, and the church membershhip grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was
started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out
the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the
amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother
was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil
man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on
like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a
saint."
A Soap Misunderstanding
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this
to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened
little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the
shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day
off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3
bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3
soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
--
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little
bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here
in the hotel for two wee ks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't
need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when
shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
--
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed, so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are
instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on
the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial
in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for
all new checkins and which you did not object to when you checked in last
Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called
him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have
assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any
past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I
can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business
at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called
Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.
Kensedder if he could do anythin g about those little bars of soap. The new
maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she
left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her
regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 day s here I have
accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the
inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap
in here. All I want is my ba th size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size
Dial.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you
complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally
returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are
supposed to receive daily (s ic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere
Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps
so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you
got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath
size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of
today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size
Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly
piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a
tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and
will make an excellen t spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I
have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
A THANKSGIVING FORECAST
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon
high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother
the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on
plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce
creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening,
the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of
34 F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will
be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50
percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming
trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low
as the only wish left will be the bone.
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when the say things like,
"You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I have forgotten my
address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.
They ;keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day
after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go th the six o'clock
class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen
bitch. . . do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing (and then they marry him.)
I( read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smokingtoo much, impulse buying, and driving too
fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's secret is. The secret is that nobody
older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around
your neck?"
Send this to five bright, cheery women you know and make their
day!
Well, I don't know about cheery, but you'll certainly make their
day.
A TO Z OF EX-BOYFRIENDS
A is for ASSHOLE, you know, that word I shout at him as I
drive by.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things
between them do work out. I can't think of two better
losers to get off the streets.
C is for Call ya later. He won't. He never has before.
C is also for competing. "I feel worse than you do, you
can shovel the walk."
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. God, does he always have to
know what the bottom of the bowl looks like?
F is for foreplay. Yes, I know he doesn't know what it
is, that's why it's on the list.
F is for forgetting my birthday, you jerk.
G is for Guys. Who he was supposedly out with, and also
who wears perfume like mine.
H is for Horny. He always is, except when I am.
I stands for ignorant, slobbering jerk.
J stands for jerk off. Yes, that's what he can do tonight,
because I won't do it for him.
K stands for kiss, something he can't do without slobbering
down his tongue and on my face.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists
somewhere in fantasy land.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who he imitates.
N stands for No, a word he never seems to understand.
O is for "Oh, was it your birthday last week?"
P is for pee, what he does out in public in the front yard
because he forgot when he walked past the bathroom.
Q is for quote, "My birthday is next Thursday," unquote.
(See F and O)
R is for reminding, because I have to remind him of all
holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.
S stands for stood up. Something he thinks I will forget
about.
S is also or sex. Something he won't get later because I
remember the previous S.
T is for torture. Where do I start?
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that fucking
asshole is an understatement.
V is for vermin--most of his family.
W stands for whine, need I say more.
X is for ex, the one he never shuts up about.
Y stands for younger, and wishing he was.
Z (I know where z is) Z stands for zip, that's what I got
from him.
ACTUAL NEWS ITEMS
* Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old
man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two
$16 bills.
* The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone
detonating one within city limits.
* A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene,
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun
to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
* A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few
days later he went with his girlfriend to her trial
for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His
girlfriend needed, so she had him paged by the
bailiff. Police officers recognized his name and
arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a
car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
* When two service stations in Ionia, Michigan,
refused to hand over cash to an intoxicated robber,
the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he
had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided
to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that
one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand
up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found
under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to!
Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so
great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the
animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I
could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me
who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to
pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted
that so badly, that he should have it. it seemed to be the sort of
thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind
if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of
his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he
celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him,
laughing with delight all
the while.
And it was good."Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of
leftover gifts, "What's left in here?" "Oh yes," he said,
"Multiple orgasms..."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her
house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around
eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman
to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and
dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes
and drove home.
"Where have you been?"demanded his wife when he entered
the house.
"Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having
an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all
afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying
bastard! You've been playing golf!"
AL GORE I AM
Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!
I will not let
this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.
Lets count them upside
down this time.
Lets count until the state is mine!
I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
I'm really ticked; I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
all telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!
We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!
I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it AL GORE I am!
I've counted till my fingers bleed
And still can't fulfill my counting need.
I'll count the tiles on the floor.
I'll count, and count, and count some more.
And I will not say that I am done
Until the counting says I've won!
I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
What's that?
What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
You're only care should be for me!
I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
I DO NOT LIKE IT. AND AL GORE I AM!
STATE OF ALABAMA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure
Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________
Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________
Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____
Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed
Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?
A parody of Justin.. orginal song is "AllStar" by Smashmouth.
From Flag786
Somebody once told me da world is gonna love me
I'd have da finest girls and a Benz
But she was looking kinda dumb when she posed in Rolling Stone
With less clothes than could cover her forehead
Well, da hos start comin' and dey don't stop comin'
Look in da mirror and it's me I'm lovin'
Didn't make sense just to sing for fun,
Your pockets get fat but your head gets dumb
So much baby blue, so much for me
So why some of ya'll still like the Backstreets?
Ya'll musta never seen mah show
Ya'll never laid eyes on dis fine bro
Hey now, ah'm an All Star, get mah mack on, all day
Hey now, ah'm a Pop Star, get mah show on, get paid,
Those other four need to be told
Only ass like dis, gets seats sold
Ah'm a rude boy, got a chip on my shoulder
And I got the cute face cuz the rest are all older
Don't even try to step and beg to differ
Judging by the signs chick hold wit mah picture
The hair ah've got is far from bein thin
But choo all like my fro so it's stayin' like it is
Mah world's on fire, how about yours?
Cuz that's the way ah like it when ah'm gettin all the whores
Hey now, ah'm an All Star, get mah mack on, all day
Hey now, ah'm a Pop Star, get mah show on, get paid,
Those other four need to be told
Only ass like dis....
Somebody once asked could I spare some change perhaps
They want to get a necklace big as they face
I said NOPE, but what a concept, I could use some tacky jewels myself
Say JRT cause you all know mah name
Well, da hos start comin' and dey don't stop comin'
Look in da mirror and it's me I'm lovin'
Didn't make sense just to sing for fun,
Your pockets get fat but your head gets dumb
So much baby blue, so much for me
So why some of ya'll still like the Backstreets?
Ya'll musta never seen mah show
Ya'll never laid eyes on dis fine bro
Hey now, ah'm an All Star, get mah mack on, all day
Hey now, ah'm a Pop Star, get mah show on, get paid,
Those other four need to be told
Only ass like dis gets seats sold
Those other four need to be told
Only ass like dis gets seats sold
All in a days work
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired,
and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the
kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed
out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper
the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the
sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table, and started
the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She, then, put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of
clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt, and secured a loose
button. She picked upthe newspapers strewn on the floor, picked
up the game pieces left on the table, and put the phone book
back into the drawer. She watered the plants,emptied a
wastebasket, and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She
stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out
some cash for the field trip, and pulled a schoolbook out from
hiding under a chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope, and wrote a quick list for
the grocery store. She put both near her purse. She then, washed
her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth.
Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's
dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were
locked. She looked in on each of The kids. She turned off a
bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the
hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one child who was
still awake doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm,
laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.
She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced, to no
one in particular, "I'm going to bed," and...he did.
In celebration of Women's History Month, please send this to 5
phenomenalwomen...
Isn't it amazing how God works in our lives! On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer."
The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.
The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story.
"You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.'
"At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
If you believe that God answers prayers then pass this on.
God bless,
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie
farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan
says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of
cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice
as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in
Texas?"
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma
Lesson: Never lie to your Momma
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :)
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune. =
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
Politicians:
George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo
warlord)
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
--Neil A. Armstrong
= A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA -- can be arranged into -- TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS.
Genesis 1
In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004
B.C.. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was
Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for
verily, he had a Big Job to do.
And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus
skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux.
And that was that, for the first Work Day.
And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth;
and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too
deep. And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that. And
the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that was that.
And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the Sea. And in
the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas
put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and
other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources; and he made them
Abundant. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles
from the dry land,called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day;
which he called Wednesday.
And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can
think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or
claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let each one be of a separate
species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. And the earth
brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without
backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs
and all, from bugs to brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, Be
fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not.
And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for what
it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth
amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and
some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased. And God took
the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast he
them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not
madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about likewise.
And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created
carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day
which was Thursday, God saw that he had put in another good day's work.
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall
and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which
resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And God
added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and
every speices, endangered or otherwise. So God created Man in His own image;
tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the
monkey.
And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon
the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to
every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green
herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But hey shall be for you. And the Lord
God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin
and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.
And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and
God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With
a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years. And the evening
of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, Thank me it's
Friday. And God made the weekend.
Angels, Once in a While
In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry
babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone.
The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister
was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence
they feared. Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel
driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.
He did manage to leave 15 dollars a week to buy groceries. Now
that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings,
but no food either. If there was welfare system in effect in
southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.
I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on
my best homemade dress. I loaded them into the rusty old 51
Chevy and drove off to find a job. The seven of us went to every
factory, store and restaurant in our small town. No luck. The
kids stayed, crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I
tried to convince whomever would listen that I was willing to
learn or do anything. I had to have a job. Still no luck.
The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an
old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck
stop. It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny
owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to
time to check on all those kids. She needed someone on the
graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid
65 cents an hour and I could start that night.
I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-
sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my
sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on
and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a good
arrangement to her, so we made a deal.
That night when me and the little ones knelt to say our prayers
we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started
at the Big Wheel. When I got home in the mornings I woke the
baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip
money - fully half of what I averaged every night.
As the weeks went by, heating bills added another strain to my
meager wage. The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of
penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on
the way to work and again every morning before I could go
home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home
and found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no
note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires. Had angels
take up residence in Indiana? I wondered. I made a deal with the
owner of the local service station. In exchange for his mounting
the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me
a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't
enough. Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no
money for toys for the kids. I found a can of red paint and started
repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the
basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on
Christmas morning. Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing
patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would
be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in
the Big Wheel. These were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim,
and a state trooper named Joe. A few musicians were hanging
around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the
pinball machine. The regulars all just sat around and talked
through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home
before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on
Christmas morning I hurried to the car. I was hoping the kids
wouldn't wake up before I managed to get home and get the
presents from the basement and place them under the tree. (We
had cut down a small cedar tree by the side of the road down by
the dump.)
It was still dark and I couldn't see much, but there appeared to be
some dark shadows in the car - or was that just a trick of the
night? Something certainly looked different, but it was hard to
tell what. When I reached the car I peered warily into one of the
side windows. Then my jaw dropped in amazement. My old
battered Chevy was full - full to the top with boxes of all shapes
and sizes.
I quickly opened the driver's side door, scrambled inside and
kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled
off the lid of the top box. Inside was a whole case of little blue
jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of
shirts to go with the jeans. Then I peeked inside some of the
other boxes: There were candy and nuts and bananas and bags of
groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned
vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and
cookies, pie filling and flour. There was a whole bag of laundry
supplies and cleaning items. And there were five toy trucks and
one beautiful little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on
the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with
gratitude. And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little
ones that precious morning. Yes, there were angels in Indiana
that long-ago in December. And they all hung out at the Big
Wheel truck stop.
I BELIEVE IN ANGELS! They live next door, around the
corner, work in your office, patrol your neighborhood, call you
at midnight to hear you laugh and listen to you cry, teach your
children, and you see them everyday without even knowing it!.
Send this to someone you think is an angel!
Answering Machine Messages
Please feel free to try these
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their
icture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine
this is a telepathic thought recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling
and a number where I can reach you,
and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar,
then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now
and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now because
we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right
.......real slow.........So leave a message,
and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If
a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on
its feet. With this in mind, if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up,
to a cat's back and toss them both out the window, will the cat land on its feet?
Or will the butter splat on the ground?
In thoery, even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the
butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics
demand that the cat can not land on its furry back. If the combined construct
were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore, they
simply do not fall.
That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have
discovered the secret of antigravity!
To expand on this theory, a buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a
height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.
This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter,
providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the universe already use this principle to drive
their space ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by
most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. Larger
craft use the Mancoon breed and a long ways sliced sourdough loaf.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their
backs and they instantly plummet. This, as you all know, happened in Roswell
50 years ago. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't
do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several
tons of red-hot starship and bewildered aliens crash on top of them.
1. Name_________________________ Date of Birth____________
2. Height _________ Weight________ IQ________ GPA________
3. Social Security # ______________ Driver's licence #__________
4. Boy Scout Rank_____________________________________
5. Home Address_____________ City/State ____________ Zip____
6. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____________ If no, explain answer _________________________________
7. Number of years parents married ________________________
8. Do you own a van? _______ A truck with oversized tires?______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _______ Do you have a tattoo?_________ (if yes to any of #8, discontinue application and leave the premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ____________ ____________________________________________________.
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!" mean to you? __________________________________________________________.
11. Church you attend _______________ How often do you attend? _______________________
12. When is the best time to interview you father, mother, and bishop? Father ____________ Mother___________ Bishop__________
13. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer all questions freely, all answers are confidential (that means I won't tell anyone ever- -promise) A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be wounded is in the __________________ B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broke is my ____________ C. A woman's place is in the _________________________ D. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is __________________________________________________ E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ______________
14. What do you want to be "if" you grow up? ________________
15. Are you willing to wear an electronic tracking device? _______
I swear all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, crucifixion, electrocution, chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.
Signature ________________________
Thank-you for you interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch you back).
***********************************************
APPLICATION FOR WHITE HOUSE INTERNSHIP...
***********************************************
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best
and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We
expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet
rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest
city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and
fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ... Getting involved in
executive branch affairs is just fantastic." - M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates
and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White
House at president@whitehouse.gov
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you:
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) MidEast policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can
start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam (and Uncle
Bill) wants you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity abuser.
APPLICATION TO BE A COUNTRY MUSICIAN
Name:________ Nickname: Bubba_______ Skeeter_______ Other____
Can you sign and spell your name correctly? Sometimes______ Never_____
Current Addess:________________ Number of Months Behind on Rent:_______
Neck Shade: Light Red_____ Medium Red_____ Dark Red_____ Peeling_____
Number of Teeth in full grin: 1___ 2___ 3___ More?_______
Approximate size and weight of beer belly:___________ Brand of Beer____
Brand of Chewing Tobacco:_________ Brand of Snuff:______________
Make of Pick-up truck:________ Size of Tires:________ 4 Wheel Drive?__
Number of Months Behind on Payments:__________ Does it have doors?_____
Altitude of Running Boards: 3'______ 6'______ 12'______ 16'______
Number of Empty Beer Cans Under the Seat:________ Broken Windows?_______
Is Truck Appropriately Equipped with the following?
-- 8 track Hank Williams tapes: __________
-- Pit bull: __________
-- Air Horns: __________
-- Roll Bar: __________
-- Steer Horns on hood: __________
-- Musical horn that plays "Dixie" __________
-- "David Duke For President" bumber sticker __________
-- "BOCEHPUS" bumper sticker __________
-- Red Man chewing tobacco bumper sticker __________
-- I love grits bumper sticker __________
-- "America, Love it or Leave it" bumper sticker __________
-- Desert Srorm bumper sticker __________
-- 12 foot CB antenna __________
-- Illegaly altered 1 gigawatt CB transmitter __________
-- Spitoon __________
-- Mudflaps __________
-- Curb Feelers __________
-- Shot Guns in back window __________
How many of the following items are in your front yard: (working or not)
-- Gardens made of old tires (tractor or truck) __________
-- Trucks or cars __________
-- Chickens or goats __________
-- Household appliances __________
-- Old Trailers __________
-- Bath Tubs __________
-- TV sets __________
Describe your last Elvis sighting:________________________________
Have you ever taken a date to a tractor pull?___ Hog calling contest?___
Do you own any of the following? Fertilizer hat?____ Feed hat?_______
Shoes?______ Belt buckles that way more than three pounds?_____________
If so: Have you worn them to Funerals_____ Weddings______ Church_______
Job Interviews________ Fancy restaurants like Dennys's?__________
Do you bathe with: Soap_______ Relatives________ Small animals_______
How often? Weekly______ Monthly______ Once a year_____ Twice a year____
Have you ever been shot at by: Ay-rabs___ Gooks___ Angry Husbands______
Wives_____ Fathers-in-law______ Mothers-in-law________ The Law_______
Does your wife weigh more than or less than: Your guitar___ Your truck__
Have you seen her in the past: Two weeks____ Two months____ Two years__
Have you seen her when she wasn't: Pregnant____ Barefoot____ Mad______
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend:_____________
If you have had someone read all the above questions to you and you have
completely understood them then place an "X" on the line below.
----------->________________
Witness Signature________________________________
Now you too can be a Spice Girl (I know you've been wanting to apply...)
Name:
Age:
Real Age:
1) How would you best describe yourself?
[ ] An energetic self-starter
[ ] A team player
[ ] A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet
2) Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits?
3) Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?
[ ] Yes [ ] No
4) "I am willing to trade sexual favours for a careeer in the music industry."
[ ] Yes [ ] No
5) How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?
6) Does nudity bother you? If so, please give three excuses for your portfolio.
7) Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behaviouralist psychology. Just kidding! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?
8) Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
[ ] Yes [ ] No
9) Choose an appropriate nickname:
[ ] Sexy
[ ] Nasty
[ ] Sweetie
[ ] Lardy
[ ] Sickly
[ ] Sporty
[ ] Slappy
10) Choose an appropriate image:
[ ]Cute blonde appeals to pedophiles
[ ] Tub of lard
[ ] Bloke in a track suit
[ ] Vacant stare, no discernable brain activity
[ ] Terrifying to small children and old men
[ ] All of the above
11) Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?
[ ] Yes [ ] No
12) If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, and 75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini?
13) If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?
[ ] Yes [ ] No
14) In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this job.
"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value." --Arthur C. Clarke
Are U from OHIO?
See how many of the following you relate to:
You don't think of Florida first when someone
mentions Miami.
You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you
think of the State Hospital.
Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
You've heard of 3.2% beer.
You're proud of your state fair, but would rather
go to Cedar Point.
You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter,
Almost Winter, and Construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or
university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a
recipe for candy ones.
"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the
river" means "south."
You know if other Ohioians are from southern or
northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
You root for a college team though you've never
taken a class there.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy,
Bellefontaine,and Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta,
and you know which "N" is doubled in "Cincinnati."
You always visit more than two amusement parks in
one summer.
You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by
snakes.
"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or
King's Island.
You measure distance in minutes.
Down south to you means Kentucky.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary
preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
You install security lights on your house and
garage and leave both unlocked.
You know what pop is.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over
a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel
nightie.
The local paper covers national and international
headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the
most popular band in the country.
You actually get these jokes!
Forward 'em to all your OHIO friends!!
Are You Having a Bad Day?
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from the onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax, leaving her with permanent severe brain damage.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a plank of wood that had been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to the slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
AND THE WINNER IS.......
5. An Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the explosion.
See... You're not having such a bad day.
By now, everyone has heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-
security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area
51." Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret"
base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the
pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and
spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The
Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and
held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane,
gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,
and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same
Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the
plane . . . only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where
I was last night!"
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn't know who his father was.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother was sure He was God
Facts about Americans. Did you know that........
-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
-Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear
-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)
-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a
34B
-85% of women wear the wrong bra size
-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations
-13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework
-91% of us lie regularly
-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store
-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods
-90% believe in divine retribution
-10% believe in the 10 Commandments
-82% believe in an afterlife
-45% believe in ghosts
-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
-29% of us are virgins when we marry
-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't
-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years
old
-35% give to charity at least once a month
-How far would you go for $10 million?
-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
-7% would murder
-69% eat the cake before the frosting
-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton
-85% of us will eat Spam this year
-70% of us drink orange juice daily
-Snickers is the most popular candy
-22% of us skip lunch daily
-9% of us skip breakfast daily
-66% of us eat cereal regularly
-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries
-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
-45% use mouthwash every day
-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
-the typical shower is 101 degrees F
-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
-58% of women paint their nails regularly
-62% of us pop our zits
-33% of women lie about their weight
-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
-57% have had deja vu
-49% believe in ESP
-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
-the average girl starts her period at age 12
-44% have broken a bone
-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
-14% have attended a self-help meeting
-15% regularly go to a shrink
-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
-23.5% admit they don't always flush
-45.2% pee in the shower
-44.9% pee in the ocean
-28.1% pee in the pool
-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're
using the toilet
-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.
-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
-29% of us ignore RSVP
-71.6% of us eavesdrop
-22% are functionally illiterate
-less than 10% are trilingual
-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
-56% of women do the bills in a marriage
-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
for a million bucks
-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
-40% of us have had music lessons
-44% reuse tinfoil
-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch
-53% read their horoscopes regularly
-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly
men)
-59% of us say we're average-looking -blacks are more than twice
as likely to call themselves beautiful
-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us
-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity -on average,
we send 38 Christmas cards every year
-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
-2 out of 5 have married their first love
-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand
-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
-6% propose over the phone
-71% can drive a stick-shift car
-45% of us consistently follow the speed limit
-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts
-12% of men never use their car blinkers
ARE YOU NORMAL?
You won't believe what I came across today while I was
searching for clip art. I found a site that has all of the
driver's license photos, old and new, from every Department
of Motor Vehicles database in the United States. It's really
cool.
The company, AsWeSeeIt, won a favorable court ruling in their
battle with the Freedom of Information Commission which gave
them the right to post our pictures on the Internet. TALK
ABOUT BIG BROTHER!
Go to the AsWeSeeIt site, and search for your license photo,
and check it out. It's really neat!
Here's the address:
http://www.asweseeit.com/616LicenseForm.htm
Take a look.
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass icons"? Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^^^^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_O_) an ass that's been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^^^^o_) a wise ass (_13_) an unlucky ass (_$_) Money coming out of his butt (_?_) Dumb butt
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists,
two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man
was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in
his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't
have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with
blanks I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Assorted thoughts
1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!
8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!
11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
12. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
13. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
14. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just
looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next
to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks
it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:
"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you
another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my
life. First, I overslept and late to an important
meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out it
was stolen. The police, they said they could do
nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I
left my whole wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the
gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when
I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
show up and drink my poison ..."
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside
every single day. When he came to, he motioned for
her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my
side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Bad Pick-up Lines
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye,
run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I
together.
Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home
when I fell in love
What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you
need is some vitamin me.
Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind
ALL day long.
Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from
heaven.
Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars,
and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared
with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you
again?
What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.
If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil
tonight?
Can I see that lable? I just wanted to know if you were made in
heaven.
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
So... How am I doin'?
I miss my teddy bear...Would you sleep with me?
You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good
on you? Me.
Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart.
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against
me?
Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.
Can I flirt with you?
Hi, my name's _____, but you can call me "lover".
(another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just
want to call your mother and thank her.
(lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you
out of those wet clothes.
What do you like for breakfast?
Say, did we go to different schools together?
Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?
(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?
Woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
You : "Do you have the energy?"
You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book.
So what's one more?
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your
apartment?
I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen...on a Wednesday
I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a
line? Are you disappointed?
I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.
Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Well, when you want a MANfriend, come talk to me
Want one?
Why don't you drop the zero and get with the hero [BK: That
sounds like Bluto from Popeye!]
Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.
Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak
heart.
I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.
Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.
I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look
that good.
We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so
why don't you just come along peacefully?
I envy your lipstick.
I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.
Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm
here after.
If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.
Is it me or am I gorgeous?
I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.
This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately
WITHOUT reading it. This is a very dangerous Email virus -- the most
dangerous Email virus yet.
IMPORTANT: It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It
will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access
code, screw up the tracking on your VCR, and use subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new
phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your
beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming
over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with
your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and
your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your
back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your
grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it
reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes
will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the
hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove
the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk
with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs.
Be very, very afraid.
Barbie's Letter to Santa
Submitted by iVillagers Deb G., Melissa L., Betty H. & Spidermom
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid
weather and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to
break it to ya Santa, but it's definitely payback time! There had better be
some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm going to call for a
nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.
l. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man -- maybe GI Joe. I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out
excuse for a boy toy Ken. And, what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna
have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie" with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur
coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie"
sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years -- I think I deserve it.
Okay, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new doll next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours Truly,
Barbie
Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.
These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors
(half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
by Marion Abbott
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the
dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue
kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to
get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew
thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and
sometimes not.
Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.
Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex
drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well
we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado:
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!!
Walk - Kissing
Bunt - Masturbation
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels
Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
Home Run - SEX!
Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
Error - Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom
Hall of Fame - Marriage
Balk - Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar - KY jelly
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly\
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rookie - Virgin
Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Minor Leagues - Under 18
Loaded Bases - manage a trois
Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity:
OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...
NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park
home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!
NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief
pitcher.
BASIC MATH
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand
her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after,
well, that's the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before and after
marriage.
Bathroom Etiquette
In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a
farmer were standing side by side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing
and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his
elbows....he held about 20 paper towels before he
finished. He turned to the other two men and
commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught
us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up, went to the sink and
quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one
paper towel and commented, "I graduated from UC
Berkeley and they taught us to be environmentally
conscious."
The farmer zipped up and as he was walking directly
out the door said, "I graduated from WVU and they
taught us not to piss on our fingers"
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend,
for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good,
clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the
bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the
bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said,
"Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in
for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just
want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but
I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he
gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been pissin' in the refrigerator!"
Battle Hymn of Term Finals
(Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)
Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known.
To be Thankful For.......
....the mess to clean after a party because it
means I have been surrounded by friends.
....the taxes I pay because it means that I'm
employed.
....the clothes that fit a little too snug because
it means I have enough to eat.
....my shadow who watches me work because it means
I am out in the sunshine.
....a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need
cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means
I have a home.
....all the complaining I hear about our government
because it means we have freedom of speech.
.....the spot I find at the far end of the parking
lot because it means I am capable of walking.
....my huge heating bill because it means I am
warm.
.....the lady behind me in church who sings off key
because it means that I can hear.
....the piles of laundry and ironing because it
means I have clothes to wear.
.....weariness and aching muscles at the end of the
day because it means I have been productive.
....the alarm that goes off in the early morning
hours because it means that I'm alive.
.....getting too much email bogs me down but at
least I know I have friends who are thinking of me.
Because you're my friend...
When you are sad,.............I will get you drunk and help you plot
revenge against the scum sucking
bastard/bitch who made you sad.
When you are scared,......... I will laugh at you and tease you about
it every chance I get.
When you are worried,.........I will tell you how much worse it could
be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused,........I will use little words to explain it to
your dumb ass.
When you are sick.........I will hold your hair while you pay homage to
the porcelain God.
When you fall......I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?..............Because you're my friend.
The Rules of Bedroom Golf:
1.Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.
2.Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6.Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play again.
7.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time
to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well
formed mounds and bunkers.
8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course
being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players
equipment for this reason.
9.Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10.Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the
course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will
find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11.Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12.The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13.Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.
14.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15.It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.
IMPORTANT NOTICE:
Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman.
There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. - The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them.
"Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All a women has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for "no-strings-attached sex". Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.
Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before -- just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" -- apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked. Forward this alert to every male you know..........
However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims.
For your nearest support group, look up "Taverns" in the yellow pages.
A Tribute to Beer
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober.
--William Butler Yeats
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity
that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Ross Levy
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all
of the time and have the time of your life.
--Anonymous
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go
to heaven Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-- Brian O'Rourke
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
THE TOP 13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS
CONSIDERING FOR BEER AND ALCOHOL BOTTLES
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big
guy named Bubba.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of
time may seem to literally disappear."
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy
BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE I WISH I HAD KNOWN...
- that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right
through it
- that I would change so much and barely realize it
- that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways
- that college kids throw airplanes, too
- that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up
- that every clock on campus shows a different time
- that if you were smart in highschool - so what?
- that I would go to a party the night before a final
- that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together
- that you can know everything and fail a test
- that you can know nothing and ace a test
- that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie
- that home is a great place to visit
- that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes
- that friendship is more than getting drunk together
- that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about
- that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50
- that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination
- that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is
really physics, and physics is really math
- that it is a really good idea to go places alone
- that it's possible to be alone even when you're surrounded by friends
- that friends are what makes this place worthwhile!
- don't be dismayed at goodbyes
- a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments
or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.
BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game. (The writer has obviously never
seen some of the hot Anime guys on Cartoon Central. Rrrrr!)
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her
butt.
14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.
19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
Send this to five bright women you know and make their day
This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just
Can't
Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, the
Bitch Fell Off
15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up
Your Governor
17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a
$25,000 Cover Charge
21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24) IRS-Be Audit You Can Be
25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong but Never Uncertain
29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You
Take.
32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What
do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy
fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the
Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I
was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and
the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What
did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was
playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk.
"What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit.
The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, professor! You tell me!"
THE BIRTH OF A CANDYBAR
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey
standing behind the Powerhouse On the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when
I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to
Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my TootsieRoll, and it was pure Almond
Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds Because it was easy to see
that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the
Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she
started to scream "Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and that gave her a taste of the old
Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no
kinky stuff."
I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't
you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Ho-ho and i'll give you a Bit
'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh your
Crackerjack tastes better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding
Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and comlained
of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out
popped......Baby Ruth!
You must send this to 10 people. If you don't, you will never have good sex for
the rest of your life! You must send this within 97 hours!
Which tree does your birthday fall under?
OR...which tree did you FALL out of?
December 23 to January 1 ........... Apple Tree
January 2 to January 11 .............Fir Tree
January 12 to January 24 ........... Elm Tree
January 25 to February 3 ........... Cypress Tree
February 4 to February 8 ........... Poplar Tree
February 9 to February 18 .......... Cedar Tree
February 19 to February 28 ......... Pine Tree
March 1 to March 10 ................ Weeping Willow Tree
March 11 to March 20 ............... Lime Tree
March 21 ........................... Oak Tree
March 22 to March 31 ............... Hazelnut Tree
April 1 to April 10 ................ Rowan Tree
April 11 to April 20 ............... Maple Tree
April 21 to April 30 ............... Walnut Tree
May 1 to May 14 .................... Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 ................... Chestnut Tree
May 25 to June 3 ................... Ash Tree
June 4 to June 13 .................. Hornbeam Tree
June 14 to June 23 ................. Fig Tree
June 24 ............................ Birch Tree
June 25 to July 4 .................. Apple Tree
July 5 to July 14 .................. Fir Tree
July 15 to July 25 ................. Elm Tree
July 26 to August 4 ................ Cypress Tree
August 5 to August 13 .............. Poplar Tree
August 14 to August 23 ............. Cedar Tree
August 24 to September 2 ........... Pine Tree
September 3 to September 12 ........ Weeping Willow Tree
September 13 to September 22 ....... Lime Tree
September 23 ....................... Olive Tree
September 24 to October 3 .......... Hazelnut Tree
October 4 to October 13 ............ Rowan Tree
October 14 to October 23 ........... Maple Tree
October 24 to November 11 .......... Walnut Tree
November 12 to November 21 ......... Chestnut Tree
November 22 to December 1 .......... Ash Tree
December 2 to December 11 .......... Hornbeam Tree
December 12 to December 21 ......... Fig Tree
December 22 ........................ Beech Tree
APPLE TREE, THE LOVE
Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal and attraction, pleasant aura,
flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be
loved, faithful and tender
partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree
philosopher with
imagination
FIR TREE, THE MYSTERIOUS
Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful,
moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather
modest, very
ambitious, talented, industrious uncounted lover, many friends, many foes,
very reliable.
ELM TREE, THE NOBLE-MINUTENESS
Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends to not forgive
mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful
partner, tends to a
know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous,
good sense of humor, practical.
CYPRESS, THE FAITHFULNESS
Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy, content,
optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgement, hates loneliness,
passionate lover
which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and
careless.
POPLAR, THE UNCERTAINTY
Looks very decorative, no self-confident behaviour, only courageous if
necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often
lonely, great
animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in
any situation, takes partnership
serious.
CEDAR, THE CONFIDENCE
Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health, not in the
least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined,
impatient, wants
to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for
the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
PINE TREE, THE PARTICULARITY
Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable,
very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in
love but its
passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it
finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.
WEEPING WILLOW, THE MELANCHOLY
Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything
beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious,
honest, can be
influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers
in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.
LIME TREE, THE DOUBT
Accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress and
labour, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices
for friends,
many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and
complaining, very jealous, loyal.
HAZELNUT TREE, THE EXTRAORDINARY
Charming, undermining, very understanding, knows how to make an impression,
active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover,honest
and
tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.
ROWAN, THE SENSITIVITY
Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention,
loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and
independent, good
taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
MAPLE, THE INDEPENDENCE OF MIND
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved,
ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes
nervous, many
complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to
impress.
WALNUT, THE PASSION
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive,
noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition,
no flexibility,
difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious
strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.
CHESTNUT TREE, THE HONESTY
Of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice,
vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritate and sensitive in
company, often
due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not
understood, loves only once, has
difficulties in finding a partner.
ASH TREE, THE AMBITION
Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for
criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can
be egoistic, very
reliable and trust-worthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule
over heart, but takes partnership very serious.
HORNBEAM, THE GOOD TASTE
Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to
egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined
life, looks for
kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgement, dreams of unusual lovers,
is seldom happy with his/her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure
of its
decisions, very conscious.
FIG TREE, THE SENSIBILITY
Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or
arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a
butterfly, good sense of
humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.
OAK, ROBUST NATURE
Courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not love
changes, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
BIRCH, THE INSPIRATION
Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not
like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm,
not very
passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content
atmosphere.
OLIVE TREE, THE WISDOM
Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression
and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice,
sensitive,
empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated
people.
BEECH, THE CREATIVE
Has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialist, good organization of
life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks,
reasonable,
splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
THE MONTH YOU WERE BORN
JANUARY
Ambitious and serious
Loves to teach and be taught
Always looking at people's flaws and
weaknesses
Likes to criticise
Hardworking and productive
Smart, neat and organised
Sensitive and has deep thoughts
Knows how to make others happy
Quiet unless excited or tensed
Rather reserved
Highly attentive
Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds
Romantic but has difficulties expressing love
Loves children
Homely person
Loyal
Needs to improve social abilities
Easily jealous
FEBRUARY
Abstract thoughts
Loves reality and abstract
Intelligent and clever
Changing personality
Temperamental
Quiet, shy and humble
Low self esteem
Honest and loyal
Determined to reach goals
Loves freedom
Rebellious when restricted
Loves aggressiveness
Too sensitive and easily hurt
Showing anger easily
Dislike unnecessary things
Loves making friends but rarely shows it
Daring and stubborn
Ambitious
Realising dreams and hopes
Sharp
Loves entertainment and leisure
Romantic on the inside not outside
Supersticious and ludicrous
Spendthrift
Learns to show emotions
MARCH
Attractive personality
Affectionate
Shy and reserved
Secretive
Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic
Loves peace and serenity
Sensitive to others
Loves to serve others
Not easily angered
Trustworthy
Appreciative and returns kindness
Observant and assess others
Revengeful
Loves to dream and fantasize
Loves travelling
Loves attention
Hasty decisions in choosing partners
Loves home decors
Musically talented
Loves special things
Moody
APRIL
Active and dynamic
Desicive and haste but tends to regret
Attractive and affectionate to oneself
Strong mentality
Loves attention
Diplomatic
Consoling
Friendly and solves people's problems
Brave and fearless
Adventurous
Loving and caring
Suave and generous
Emotional
Revengeful
Agressive
Hasty
Good memory
Moving
Motivate oneself and the others
Sickness usually of the head and chest
Easily get too jealous
MAY
Stubborn and hard-hearted
Strong-willed and highly motivated
Sharp thoughts
Easily angered
Attracts others and loves attention
Deep feelings
Beautiful physically and mentally
Firm standpoint
Easily influenced
Needs no motivation
Easily consoled
Systematic (left brain)
Loves to dream
Strong clairvoyance
Understanding
Sickness usually in the ear and neck
Good imagination
Good debating skills
Good physical
Weak breathing
Loves literature and the arts
Loves travelling
Dislike being at home
Restless
Not having many children
Hardworking
High spirited
Spendthrift
JUNE
Thinks far with vision
Easily influenced by kindness
Polite and soft-spoken
Having lots of ideas
Sensitive
Active mind
Hesitating
Tends to delay
Choosy and always wants the best
Temperamental
Funny and humorous
Loves to joke
Good debating skills
Talkative
Daydreamer
Friendly
Knows how to make friends
Abiding
Able to show character
Easily hurt
Prone to getting colds
Loves to dress up
Easily bored
Fussy
Seldom show emotions
Takes time to recover when hurt
Brand conscious
Executive
Stubborn
Those who loves me are enemies
Those who hates me are friends
JULY
Fun to be with
Secretive
Difficult to fathom and to be understood
Quiet unless excited or tensed
Takes pride in oneself
Has reputation
Easily consoled
Honest
Concern about people's feelings
Tactful
Friendly
Approachable
Very emotional
Temperamental and unpredictable
Moody and easily hurt
Witty and sarky
Sentimental
Not revengeful
Forgiving but never forgets
Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things
Guides others physically and mentally
Sensitive and forms impressions carefully
Caring and loving
Treats others equally
Strong sense of sympathy
Wary and sharp
Judge people through observations
Hardworking
No difficulties in studying
Loves to be alone
Always broods about the past and the old friends
Likes to be quiet
Homely person
Waits for friends
Never looks for friends
Not aggressive unless provoked
Prone to having stomach and dieting problems
Loves to be loved
Easily hurt but takes long to recover
Overly concerned
Puts in effort in work
AUGUST
Loves to joke
Attractive
Suave and caring
Brave and fearless
Firm and has leadership qualities
Knows how to console others
Too generous and egoistic
Taked high pride of oneself
Thirsty for praises
Extraodinary spirit
Easily angered
Angry when provoked
Easily jealous
Observant
Careful and cautious
Thinks quickly
Independent thoughts
Loves to lead and to be led
Loves to dream
Talented in the arts, music and defence
Sensitive but not petty
Poor resistance against illnesses
Learns to relax
Hasty and rushy
Romantic
Loving and caring
Loves to make friends
SEPTEMBER
Suave and compromising
Careful, cautious and organised
Likes to point out people's mistakes
Quiet but able to talk well
Calm and cool
Kind and sympathetic
Concerned and detailed
Trustworthy, loyal and honest
Does work well
Sensitive
Thinking
Good memory
Clever and knowledgeable
Loves to look for information
Must control oneself when criticising
Able to motivate oneself
Understanding
Secretive
Loves sports, leisure and travelling
Hardly shows emotions
Tends to bottle up feelings
Choosy especially in relationships
Loves wide things
Systematic
OCTOBER
Loves to chat
Loves those who loves him
Loves to takes things at the centre
Attractive and suave
Inner and physical beauty
Does not lie or pretend
Sympathetic
Treats friends importantly
Always making friends
Easily hurt but recovers easily
Bad tempered
Selfish Seldom helps unless asked
Daydreamer
Very opinionated
Does not care of what others think
Emotional
Decisive
Strong clairvoyance
Loves to travel, the arts and literature
Soft-spoken, loving and caring
Romantic
Touchy and easily jealous
Concerned
Loves outdoors
Just and fair
Spendthrift and easily influenced
Easily lose confidence
NOVEMBER
Has a lot of ideas
Difficult to fathom
Thinks forward
Unique and brilliant
Extraodinary ideas
Sharp thinking
Fine and strong clairvoyance
Can become good doctors
Careful and cautious
Dynamic in personality
Secretive
Inquisitive
Knows how to dig secrets
Always thinking
Less talkative but amiable
Brave and generous
Patient
Stubborn and hard-hearted
If there is a will, there is a way
Determined
Never give up
Hardly become angry unless provoked
Loves to be alone
Thinks differently from others
Sharp-minded
Motivates oneself
Does not appreciates praises
High-spirited
Well-built and tough
Deep love and emotions
Romantic
Uncertain in relationships
Homely
Hardworking
High abilities
Trustworhty
Honest and keeps secrets
Not able to control emotions
Unpredictable
DECEMBER
Loyal and generous
Patriotic
Active in games and interactions
Impatient and hasty
Ambitious
Influential in organisations
Fun to be with
Loves to socialise
Loves praises
Loves attention
Loves to be loved
Honest and trustworthy
Not pretending
Short tempered
Changing personality
Not egoistic
Taked high pride in oneself
Hates restrictions
Loves to joke
Good sense of humor
Logical
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and
deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear
of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for
not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by
people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor
6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be
able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck
parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly
believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send
"his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I
scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy
model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this
message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have
nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment
and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was
started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget
pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll
be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous
streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about
90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think
about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards.
Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!
BITS OF INFORMATION TO HELP YOU THROUGH THE DAY:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Forget the pig! In my next life want to be a lion... )
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.
B i z a r r e +ACE-
Hello, and welcome to Bizarre+ACE-. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
After an 11-hour standoff in South River, New Jersey, police finally
persuaded three family members to come out of their apartment lined entirely
with aluminum foil. The family told police that the foil was to keep out
"moonbeams and rays from the outer planets..."
When best friends Jamie Moody and Timothy Dodge of Oregon got into a heated
argument, Moody grabbed a shotgun in hopes of "intimidating" Dodge into
settling down. Instead, Dodge put the barrel of the shotgun in his mouth and
"dared his friend to shoot." He did. According to reports, the two were
arguing over who was the better clamdigger...
Three Texas men are in federal court on charges of conspiring to assassinate
President Clinton and other government officials. Their plans, revealed last
month in court documents, included producing botulism toxin from "chicken
livers, chicken hearts and green beans with a little dirt," then shooting
poison-tipped thorns from modified cigarette lighters to kill their intended
victims..." and y'all are from what planet, again?
An Arizona man says his relationship with a 13-year-old Mesa girl is
perfectly acceptable because he is a witch. Nathan Shoecraft maintains that
his Wiccan religious beliefs "allow him to have sex" with the minor girl.
Other Arizona Wiccans disagree, and claim that Shoecraft is giving witches
everywhere a bad name...
When a 911 dispatcher in Bethel, Connecticut got a call and heard only
silence on the line, four police officers, paramedics and an ambulance were
immediately dispatched. At the scene, they found an empty house-- except for
a parrot, and a phone off the hook...
A schoolteacher walked into the police station in Kampala, Uganda and
demanded to be shot. "Can't you just get a gun and shoot me?" begged Hamidou
Namoyo, who was upset over losing his job. Officers reportedly told him he
was "speaking to the wrong department" and shooed him away... down the hall,
to your left...
Hallmark spam: after Craig Shergold was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 9,
he received a world-record 33 million get-well cards with the help of the
Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. Ten years later, Craig's cancer is
gone, but the cards just keep coming. It's not that he's ungrateful. Craig
credits the "upliftment" from all the cards for his recovery. But after
receiving 250 million cards and letters, he justwants it to stop... I'm sick
to death of all this mail...
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced
that "Lucky," a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal Germany,
is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a
bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He nudged his third owner off a
railway platform in front of the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express. And he walked
his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The
new owner won't be told of Lucky's record - they say the dog might sense
nervousness and "do something silly..."
A man identified only as Mr. Humphrey jumped off a 7-story riverside parking
garage in Norwich, England. According to friends, Mr. Humphrey had "a
passion" for jumping off bridges and other high places. Pacing along a ledge
before he jumped, he called down to police officers to ask how deep the water
was. Apparently, he didn't hear the answer: three feet...
When Milwaukee police arrested a driver on a traffic violation, he kept
insisting they had the wrong man. Ernest Hickles repeatedly told police that
it was his brother, Earnest Hickles, who was wanted on several warrants.
After six days in jail, police released Ernest, realizing they already had
his brother Earnest in another cell. Hickles' grandmother blamed their mother
for the confusion. "She gave both kids the same name because she didn't want
anyone to know she had another baby..."
Three sisters in Davie, Florida say they'll sue the Broward County Sheriff's
Office on a complaint of police brutality. But witnesses say the girls-- a
16-year-old and 15-year-old twins-- ganged up on Deputy Eric Caldwell and
"beat him with their platform shoes..." disco lives...
Police in Ft. Lauderdale are pretty sure they've got their man in a rape and
robbery investigation. They say that Ken Willis left his keys at the crime
scene. When police went to his home, the keys fit the lock. When they
arrested Willis, he was wearing socks on his hands... if it doesn't fit, you
must acquit...
After installing a new 917,000 security system at the Redwood City Hall of
Justice, officials announced that "anything resembling a weapon would be
confiscated." Hours later, deputies got their first catch-- a bread making
machine. Officials were quick to point out that "it had wires and a timer..."
and it was set all the way to "mix..."
After eight months, police in Paola, Kansas still had no leads in the child
molestation case of two young children- until one of the girls spotted the
man on a television game show. Matthew Fenwick won 4,400 on Wheel of Fortune,
but it won't cover his 50,000 bail... I'd like to buy a clue...
A Michigan jury awarded 200,000 to a 27-year-old man who claimed that an
automobile accident turned him into a homosexual. The man's attorney told
jurors that after the accident, the man moved back home with his parents and
started hanging around gay bars... must have been a rear-end collision...
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the gene pool: Darwin Coates
of Pasadena, Maryland accidentally shot himself in the groin with a .22
caliber handgun. While he was on the floor, his cousin, Gregory Johnson, took
the gun away and stuck it in his pants. It went off again...
When the owners of a gas station in Baltimore County, Maryland arrived at
work Monday, they discovered an automatic teller machine had disappeared
overnight. The thieves were caught on security camera videotape, but police
have no leads. The robbers were all wearing garbage bags over their heads...
let's hope nobody suffocates in the lineup...
A New Jersey man is suing Pfizer Inc., claiming that Viagra made him crash
his car. Used car salesman Joseph Moran of Colonia claims that "blue vision,"
one of the known side effects of the drug, distracted him while driving,
causing him to hit a tree and two parked cars. Moran also says he saw blue
streaks "shoot out from his fingers" as he reached to remove an
audiocassette... cool, do that again...
A Wisconsin man was arrested and charged with attempted murder after
attacking his father with a hatchet. Kenneth Kartman told police that he had
to kill his family to prove his college thesis. According to District
Attorney Jim Peterson, Kartman "believed that somewhere on the other side of
the world, there would be a mother who would be killing her young son and
that this would somehow bring the opposites into union and would in some way
further the development of mankind." Peterson described Kartman as "somebody
who wasn't thinking clearly at the time..." remember, kids, just say NO to
college...
In a tragic case of mistaken identity, a man in Winnipeg, Canada had his
penis severed with a steak knife while he was sleeping. Police believe the
man was the victim of a mix-up involving another man and his ex-girlfriend.
Doctors are trying to repair the damage, but were unable to reattach the
severed article, despite "an intensive search by the Winnipeg police dog
unit..."bad dog...
That's Bizarre, and remember, it's all true...
A True Story...
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from
the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.
But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her
room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband
and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she
was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...
very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first
thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought
was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.
But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She
couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she
picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the
other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she
turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors s they
closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then
another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she
thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then ...one
of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what
they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she
threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and
spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of
the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor
you're going to, we'll push the button."
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.
He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled
to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," said
the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the
floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It
was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.
She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to
blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you
apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't
know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn
quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking
her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and
they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At
her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed:
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
Blind Man
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Contractor
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a
contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points
out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like
to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods,
pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window,
leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but
she lets it slide.
They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like
a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor
nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the
window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more
perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd
like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls
out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the
window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The
woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you
write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What
on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying
sod across the street."
Blonde Jokes
A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on
the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked,
"What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell
me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her
operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be
before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is exposed."
"Oh. my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the bus!"
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three
blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly
notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why
did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new
maxi-pads, with wings..."
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look
at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and
says, "Where?"
"Blonde Mail Call"
from ScorpioX2X
A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
Blondes On Top
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in
Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team
rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a
great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything
from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches
the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring
straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand
time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a
driver!"
BLOWJOBS: WOMEN vs. MEN
Blow job Etiquette (By a woman)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you, YOU just can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls, if you are that desperate go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're goin' at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough,keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up doesn't mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Man's Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone younger,prettier, and dirtier who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be hankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5 . When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days,you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls. We like that.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass. We like that too.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, because when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I guarentee it'll be "sound asleep!"
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Bob Knows Everybody
Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the
sunset. Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You
know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know."
His friend looks at him, "What? You're kidding!"
Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody."
Bob's friend says, "I bet you don't know the governor."
"George? Yeah, I know ol' George, as a matter of fact, I'm having
dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?"
They show up at the governor's mansion Tuesday, Governor Bush
opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How are ya doin'? Come on
in!"
Bob's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob
knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't
know Bruce Springsteen."
"Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in
Jersey!"
"Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."
"No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's putting on a show
tomorrow night. Lets go."
Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce
Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next
song to my good friend Bob here."
The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to
find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is
once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his
face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the
car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!"
"The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!"
"You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!"
"I'll prove it to you," Bob says.
So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob's friend stands near the
front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the
balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in
the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next
to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down
and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the
street to his friend and says, "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a
sudden a guy leans towards me and says, 'Hey, who's that standing
next to Bob?'"
1979,1989 :KOOL KIDS NEVER HAVE THE TIME
We were born in 1979 or 1980. People were still getting over Vietnam and
Disco had swept the country. Dolly Parton had a song called Jolene, and Diana
Ross had records, yes those big black frisbees that were 5 times the size of a CD,
as big as her hair. The Muppets were our heros, and Atari was the game of
choice. Pac Man invaded our heads and our parents pockets. We had those
bouncy balls that had the handle on the top and you could sit on and bounce all
over the place. The Reagan administration came around, but all we cared about
were our mini-wheels. Snack time in Kindergarten was cool and the opposite
sex still had cooties. We liked to play Candyland and Chutes and Ladders. Tic
tac toe was still fashionable to us. Star Wars, and Ewoks were imiatated all over
the nation, ET made us (or at least me) afraid to go into the bathroom. Girls
fought over My Little Ponies, Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids. Boys were more
into Transformers, He-Man, and GI Joe, not to mention their prized bb guns.
Pretend was always fun too. In second grade we watched as the Challenger lept
from the earth only to float back unexpectedly, devastating the nation, and
plunging them into a state of mourning. Cuba was the enemy, drugs were
becoming big and Iran got on our bad side, as did Oliver North. TV rotted our
brains with "Different Strokes," "Silver Spoons," and "The Cosby Show." Leg
warmers, bandanas and spiked hair, consumed us as we listened to Boy George
and his Culture Club, Bruce Springstein, Rolling Stones, Madonna, George
Michael, Cyndi Lauper, and Micheal Jackson. Pretty soon, hair stopped being
spiked and started getting BIG...chains,and spikes, and jellybracelets were the
rage, and everything was "awesome" or even"rad."
People started getting computers like the Apple 2E. Bubble dresses were cool
and the youth were following the path of rebellion. Drugs and guns were
becoming more and more common, and we watched as the world discovered
HIV and AIDS, and an 18 year old boy from Indiana died from a transfusion...
We also lived through the Bush administration. Our generation watched the Gulf
War come into our living rooms at night with the green night images and the
blazing dots across the screen. We watched older brothers and sisters go off to a
war that we never thought we'd see, but we made up songs about Saddam
Hussein to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice.
Bill Clinton became the President taking Al Gore as his VP. Rolling your jeans
and wearing GUESS and ESPRIT clothes made you popular. Skinny people
were beautiful and fat people were funny, but everyone was crazy for
McDonalds.
We started dating more frequently, searching for the love of our life. Girls in the
high schools started getting pregnant and we started getting our licenses. We
lived through all the crazy fashion flashbacks, the hair, and the environmental
crisis. We got to our senior year and we waited for proms and homecoming and
most of all graduation day. We picked up our caps and gowns and all that senior
stuff that's supposed to help us remember the good old days,but some of the
things that you remember most, can't be put on paper...That day finally came,
and you sat there with all of the friends that you had made over the years...you
looked out at your family and deep down you knew that this was a once in a
lifetime moment. It was the last time in your life that all these people would be
together in one place. Yeah there would be reunions but there was always the
chance that one person wouldn't make it there. You looked back on your time
with these people and realized that it was short lived and that it didn't seem as if
there was enough time for everything that you wanted to accomplish...sports,
activities, SAT, ACT, and all that good stuff. They called your name, your tassle
got turned, and you got a piece of paper that said that you were smart. Then you
said good-bye...maybe to your town, and that school and your friends. You
know that you can go back to visit, but there will be strangers in the halls and it's
not the same. It's different, and you're different. But it's not the end. In
fact,everything is just beginning.-Anonymous
Send this on to all the people you know born in "our" year so that they too enjoy
the reflection on what defines us and makes our memories.
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.
In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes
during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid,
some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the
tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as
bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked
at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought
we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few
pages of the conductor's score together with string.
It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert
hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this
time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor
seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see?
It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the
bassists are loaded."
Box of Tampons
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four.
the nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it
to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?" The nine-year
old shakes his head and replies, Nope, not for my Mom."
Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."
Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your
sister, who are they for?"
The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."
Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"
Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of
these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!"
"BRAIN CELLS"
All babies start out with the same number of raw
cells which, over nine months, develop into a
complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells
are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a
male baby instead. Because there are only so many
cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a
male's reproductive organs have to come from cells
already assigned elsewhere in the female.
Recent tests have shown that these cells come from
the Communications center of the brain, migrate lower
in the body and develop the appropriately modified
functions. This means, however, that males are born a
few cards short, so to speak.
This difference between the male and female brain
manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will
tend to play things like house or learn to read.
Little boys, however, will tend to do things like
placing a bucket over their heads and running into
walls. Little girls will think about doing things
before taking any action. Little boys will just look
surprised if someone asks them why they just punched
their little brother who was half asleep and looking
the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow
until puberty, when the trouble really begins. After
puberty, not only the size of the brains differ, but
the center of thought also differs. Women think with
their heads. Male thoughts originate where their ex-
brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man
to man. In some men only a small number of brain
cells migrate; they are left with nearly full mental
capacity but tend to be rather dull. Such men are
known in medical terms as
"Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell
relocation. These men are referred to as "Democrats."
A small number of men suffer truly massive brain cell
migration At conception. These men are usually
referred to as..... "Mr. President."
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an
experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are
very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the
younger male relatives
tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few
actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in
price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains
have to be marked down because they're used."
100 yard breast stroke race..
A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool
ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...
The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began
swimming.
A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water.
Then the redhead.
About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.
They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the
bronze to the blonde.
As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, " I don't
want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other two used their
arms."
BREASTS:
APPLES
BALCONY
BALLOONS
BANGERS
BAZONGAS
BAZOOMS
BEAN BAGS
BIG BROWN EYES
BON-BONS
BOOBIES
BOOBS
BOTTLES
BOULDERS
BULLETS
BUMPERS
BUSTERS
BUTTERBAGS
CANTELOUPES
GAZONGAS
GLANDS
GLOBES
GRAPEFRUITS
GUAVAS
HANDFUL
HAND-WARMERS
HEADERS
HEADUGHTS
HILLS
HONKERS
HOOTERS
HOWITZERS
JABOOS
JIBS
JUGS
JUMBOS
KAZONGAS
KNOBS
KNOCKERS
LACTOIDS
LOAVES
LOBLOLLIES
LOVE BUBBLES
LOVE MUFFINS
LULUS
LUNGS
MAMMETS
MAMS
MANGOES
MEATBALLS
MEAT LOAVES
MELONS
MILK CANS
MILK SHOP
MOUNDS
MOUNT OF ULIES
MOUNTAINS
MUFFINS
MULLIGANS
MURPHIES
NANCIES
NATURE'S FONTS
NIBLETS
NINNIES
NIPPERS
NODULES
NOOGIES
NUBBIES
NUTS
ORANGES
ORBS
OTTOMANS
PAIR
PALOOKAS
PAPAYAS
PAPS
PEACHES
PEAKS
PEARS
PECTS
PEEPERS
PILLOWS
PIPS
POKERS
PONTOONS
POTATOES
PUMPKINS
PUMPS
RIB CUSHIONS
ROUNDIES
SANDBAGS
SCONES
SCOOPS
SET
SHAKERS
SHIMMIES
SKIN SACKS
SNUGGLE PUPS
SPHERES
SPUDS
STACKS
STUFFING
SWEATER MEAT
SWEET ROLLS
SWINGERS
TAMALES
TETONS
TIDBITS
TITS
TITTERS
TI=IES
TOMATOES
TOOTERS
TORPEDOES
TWANGERS
TWIN PEAKS
TWOFERS
UMLAUTS
UPPER DECK
WALDOS
WARHEADS
WARTS
WATERMELONS
WHOPPERS
WOBBLERS
WONGAS
YABBOS
YAMS
ZEPPELINS
To all of you Bright Women
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong-
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to
do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita
Rudner-
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman-
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma
Bombeck-
7. If high heels were so wonderful,men would still be wearing them. -Sue
Grafton-
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
9. I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda
Radner-
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.-Gloria Steinhem-
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Gloria
Steinhem-
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home
late at night. -Marie Corelli-
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith
Summerskill-
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around
your neck. -Linda Ellerbee-
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Send this to five bright women you know and make their day
WARNING:
NO OFFENSE to Britney fans. We just..well, dont like her. And Yes,
these *made up* lyrics DO make fun of her!!!
*
*
*
*
"You drive me crazy" ~Britney Spears
You gotta sing to the song, its got the same beat and everything.
Now..here comes...our version... =)
Baby
I'm so into you
But your not the only one
That I've ever screwed
Baby
You spin me around
My hair extentions
Fall right to the ground
Everytime you look at me
I do my shimmy
And you start to flee
Loving you means so much more
But its not as fun to me as being a whore
*chorus*
I drive you crazy
You just cant sleep
I'm so annoying
And, I'm such a geek
Oh crazy
I wear cloths to tight
Baby thinking of me
Keeps me busy all night
You tell me
I look like a goat
And I cant even
Reach a high note
Dont tell me
You wanna be free
Just cuz my make-up
Is done all shitty
Loving you means so much more
But its not as fun to me as being a whore
*chorus repeated*
Crazy
I'm so confused
I'm such a ditz
And I have fake boobs
Crazy
But they feel alright
Every day and every night
*chorus repeated*
So...what'd ya think?!?!
E-mail this to everyone you know!!! And get them to email it to
everyone they know too!!
Morris and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they
needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Morris
had to tend to the dairy and couldn't leave the farm,
so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If
she was successful, she would take the train back to
the farm, then she and Morris would go to town with
the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and
Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining
bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but
she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents.
"Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an
exception just vunce?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he
replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to
tell him your problem. The office is just down the
street."
At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how
many words can I send to my husband for a dime?"
"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered.
Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK,
here's da message:
"COMFORTABLE "
EXTREME BUMPER STICKERS
1. Support Cannibalism--EAT ME!
2. I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me this way!
3. 'Whitewater' is over when the First Lady sings.
4. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue your ass!
5. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
6. If we are what we eat, then I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
7. Keep blowing your horn while I reload!
8. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
9. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
10. Just say "NO" to sex with Pro-Lifers!
11. Who were the beta testers for Preparations 'A' through 'G' ?
12. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2, it's a frickin' amusement park!
13. I don't have a license to kill...I have a learner's permit.
14. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either!
15. My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her...or something like that.
16. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
17. Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.
18. Stop repeat offenders...don't re-elect them!
19. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people!
20. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier!
21. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
22. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
23. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
24. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not
you!
25. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
26. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
27. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
28. Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
29. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
30. Grow your own dope. Plant a man.
31. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
32. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
33. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
34. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
35. So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious.
36. I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
37. All men are idiots... I married their king.
38. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
39. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
40. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
41. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
42. Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.
43. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
44. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
45. Where there's a will... I want to be in it.
46. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
47. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
48. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
49. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
50. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
51. Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
52. Honk If You Want To See My Finger.
Here are some good ones:
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet, a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Copywight 1994 Elmew Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS:
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening."
"If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question."
Steve Beaver
Network Administrator
United Catalysts, Inc.
BUNGEEEE
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great
idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll
need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As
they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought
it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and
scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he
falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is
bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again
and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed
up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and
says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine,
it was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?"
"BUTTERFLY KISSES"
We often learn the most from our children. Some time ago, a
friend of mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold
wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when
the child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the
Next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed
by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found
that the box was empty.
He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a
present, there's supposed to be something inside of it?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,
" Oh, Daddy it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you,
Daddy."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl,
and he begged her forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold
box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take
out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it
there.
In a very real sense, each of us as parents has been given a gold
container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our
children.
There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
***************************************
You now have the choice, you can:
1) pass this on to your friends
2) delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart As you can see, I
took choice number 1.
So, what DOES a Canadian Have to be Proud of?
1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch
3. Coffee Crisp
4. The size of our footballs, fields and one less Down
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers ass
9. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass
10. In the war of 1812, Canadians pushed the Americans so far
back...passed their 'White House ', we burned it... and most of
Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and
hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away so we went
home and partied... Go figure.
11. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to
Germany.
12. We have the largest English population that never-ever surrendered
or withdrew during any war.
13. Our civil war was a big bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
14. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American
Mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just
in time to get caught.
15. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
16. The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface
and is still around as the world's oldest Company.
17. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in
under 3 minutes.
18. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
19. We don't marry our kin-folk.
20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, zambonis, the long
distance and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
21. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell
about it.
22. Oh ya...and the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your
hands with mitts on.
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars
are totally demolished, but amazingly enough, neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,
that's interesting. Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from
God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in
agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands
it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man... The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
the woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police....."
GOOD:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police
department a picture of a $40 bill. The police responded with another
mailed photo - of handcuffs.
BETTER:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting
many. Then he discovered the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle, and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor
of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more
leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss
the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could
build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes,
but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He
resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an
unfortunate way to end his career.
When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the
house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This
is your house," he said,
"my gift to you."
What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his
own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live
in the home he had built none too well.
So it is with us. We build our lives in a distracted way, reacting rather
than acting, willing to put up less than the best. At important points we
do not give the job our best effort. Then with a shock we look at the
situation we have created and find that we are now living in the house we
have built. If we had realized that we would have done it differently.
Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each day you
hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely. It is the
only life you will ever build. Even if you live it for only one day more,
that day deserves to be lived graciously and with dignity.
The plaque on the wall says, "Life is a do-it-yourself project." Who could
say it more clearly? Your life today is the result of your attitudes and
choices in the past. Your life tomorrow will be the result of your
attitudes and the choices you make today.
Pass this on to someone you care about. I did ! ! !
Cat Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat throwup hairball somewhere
Will find in morning
Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then --
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My cries will wake the dead.
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp . . .
Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
It costs so little and means so much
As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next President.
This will have catastrophic results in our vital -- no, indispensable -- entertainment industry.
Barbra Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin -- among many others -- have sworn to leave the country if George W. Bush is elected President.
And this is where YOU can help. We need volunteers to help pack and to load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.
For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation.
You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters and pictures from your chosen "refugee" as they learn to become a useful citizen in the Third World country of their choosing.
You will help, won't you? It costs so little but it means so much.
Call 1-800-deport-a-lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.
This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and
discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally
tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and
send her to the man whose name appears at the top of this list, and
add your name to the bottom. When your turn comes, you will receive
6,255 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you
already have. At the time of writing this, a friend of mine had already
received 184 women, 4 of who were worth keeping.
Remember - this chain brings luck. One man's cat died, and the next
day he received a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. You can be lucky too,
so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN One man broke the chain and got his
own wife back.
"Chain" Letter for Women Only
This letter was started by a woman like yourself, in the hopes of bringing
relief to other tired and discontented women.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy
of this letter to five of your friends who are equally as frustrated - then
bundle up your husband, boyfriend or lover and send him to the woman whose
name appears at the top of this list.
When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,877 men. One
of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.
Do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her own SOB back.
At this writing, a friend of mine already has received 184 men. They buried
her yesterday. But it took three undertakers 35 hours to get the smile off
her face.
Please hurry up and send this letter along, so my name can move up faster.
POSSIBLY THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a
cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning
and looks a bit teed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
DIVORCED FATHER:
"When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
DAUGHTER:
"O.K."
Later...
DAUGHTER:
"Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
DIVORCED MOTHER:
"Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father...... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."
You are an 80's child if:
-You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
-You know what a "burnout" is.
-You wanted to be on StarSearch. (Come on, we all did)
-You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell
off. Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the
video.
-You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point
during your youth.
-You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt.
-You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
-You HAD to have your MTV.
-You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
-You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack."
-You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
-You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
-You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your
name."
-You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's
movie she WASN'T in?)
-You know what "Sike" means.
-You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, god-awful fashion plus
accessories.
-You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.")
-You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie, but
you couldn't see it because your parents wouldn't let you.
-You've heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
-You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
-You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
-You ever wore flourescent-neon if you will-clothing...(ornail polish)
-You could breakdance, or wished you could.
-You know who Max Headroom is.
-You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
-(Remember Pong?)
-You own any cassettes.
-You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the
moon.
-You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from
Pizza Hut.
-Poltergeist freaked you out.
-You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
-You wish you were alone now with Tiffany.
-You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
-You watched Jem religiously, desperately wanted those red flashy earings,
wanted to communicate with some being named Cinergy, or you wanted
green hair like that lead singer of the Misfits.
-You know what a Doozer is.
-You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
-You ever had a Swatch Watch.
-You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.
-You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman).
-You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
-You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
-You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
-You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
-You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
-You know what a "Whammee" is. ("No Whammy, no whammy, stop!!")
-Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, My friend, are a
"Child of the 80's."
Send this to anyone that would appreciate going back to this Wonderful
decade... Thanks a lot guys!
You're an 80's child if....
You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby."
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
You wanted to be on Star Search.
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he
Had plastic surgery.
You wore a banana clip or one of those slap-on wrist bands at
Some point... or heaven forbid one of those T-shirt rings on one side
During your youth.
You were styling with your French rolled pants.
You wore multiple pairs of socks in the middle of the summer
Just so you could be "hip"
You had slouch socks and puff painted your own shirt at least
once.
Cabbage Patch Kids!!
You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power, and He-Man got
canceled.
You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell
For endless hours, back when they were new episodes.
You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the
Future."
You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows
Your name"
You wanted to be a Goonie. ("Goonies never say die.")
You remember Madonna in her cone stage.
You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
You even wore flourescent-neon, if you will, clothing...
You could breakdance, or wished you could.
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game
system.
You remember M.C. Hammer.
You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air."
You own any cassettes.
You owned a pair of L.A. Gear, Keds, or Converse tennis
shoes.
You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET
lunchbox.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female
smurf.
My Little Pony, Gummy Bears, Transformers, PinWheel with
Molly the Mole, Double Dare, and Zoobilee Zoo are familiar to you.
You ever had a Swatch Watch.
You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the
"Care Bear stare."
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the
power!"
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You spent hours in the basement building and rebuilding Lego
cities.
Big wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go.
With your pink portable tape player, you sang back up to
Debbie Gibson.
"Party like it's 1999" seemed SO far away!!
**If you can identify with at least half of these, you are a
child of the 80's!! Send this to everyone who would appreciate
going back to this wonderful decade!!*
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. (Patrick, age 10)
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer him. (Michael, age 14)
3. Never tell your mom her diet isn't working. (John, age 13)
4. Stay away from prunes. (Randy, age 9)
5. Never pee on an electric fence. (Robert, age 13)
6. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. (Emily, age 10)
7. Don't squat with your spurs on. (Billy, age 9)
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
(Melissa, age 11)
9. Never allow your 3-year-old brother in the same room as your
school assignment. (Ann, age 14)
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
(Mitchell, age 12)
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.
(Andrew, age 9)
12. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time. (Ramona,
age 9)
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. (Joey,
age 10)
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. (Kelly, age
11)
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. (Jill,
age 14)
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. (Lauren, age 9)
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
(Tommy, age 10)
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.(Lee,age 13)
19. Never try to baptize a cat. (Eileen, age 8)
20. I know God knows when you are bad, but it's your parents you
have to worry about.(Sam, age 9)
21. NEVER SPIT INTO THE WIND Ricky Age13
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU WILL NEVER SEE
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly!
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
You Are Different and That's Bad
Dad's New Wife Michael
POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your
Elementary School Controlling the Playground: Respect
Through Fear
What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold... Other people care more about the food."
Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire."
Christine, age 9
TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
Arnold, age 10
"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
Larry, age 8
"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
Eddie, age 6
"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'"
Bob, age 9
"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'"
Will, age 7
"'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind.'"
Sharon, age 9
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
Dick, age 7
CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE
"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, age 9
"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods."
Robbie, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."
Sherm, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs' is on television."
Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt."
Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there."
Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
Judy, age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
Tom, age 5
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Mike, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
Jim, age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
Kally, age 9
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
Lynette, age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
Kenny, age 7
Subject: Christmas party announcement
MEMO
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon
in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus!
====================================================
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party". The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?
======================================================
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
=====================================================
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight
hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time
of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party -- the days are so
short this time of year -- or else package everything
for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms.
Did I miss anything?
=====================================================
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire
regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by
our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks.
Okay???
======================================================
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by
having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the
anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at
Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey
or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up?
======================================================
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
#$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but
you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm
hearing them scream right now!
=======================================================
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanatorium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
23rd off with full pay.
Happy Chanu-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!!
Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and
newsletters:
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and north ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his
private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the
ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join
in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24) The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Church Services
One Sunday after the church sermon was over and everyone was filing
out, we stopped to chat with our friends. My wife said "the pastor's
sermon was really bad today."
"Boring too!" remarked one of our gathered friends.
"The choir was just awful, they were off key the whole time" I
remarked.
The rest of the group nodded in agreement as my son butted ion and said
"come, pops, I thought they were pretty good for just a quarter".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Amish and the Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver
walls in the mall lobby that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady,
limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them
and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped
out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Circle Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's
what they are--I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're
called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around
the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me
a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses
ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al,
chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window
right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw
100 $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all
three of you out the window and make the whole country happy.
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel
way to motivate her class. She told them that she
would read a quote and the first student to correctly
identify who said it would receive the rest of the
day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston
Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher "you may go
home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can
do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young
lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden
opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those
girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher
demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose
to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you
Monday."
The difference between an accident, a great loss and a tragedy.
Bill Clinton was visiting a grade school recently and he asked in one
class of students if anyone could give him an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who
lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes by and kills him,
that would be a tragedy".
"NO!" Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not, explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS".
The room fell silent; none of the other children would dare to
volunteer. "What?", asks Clinton, "isn't there anyone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy"?
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. He says "If an Airplane
carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton was blown up by a terrorist, that would be
a tragedy".
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me
WHY that would be a tragedy"?
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
wouldn't be any great loss!"
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven (has to be an error!).
St. Peter was conducting the tour and Hillary noticed that
there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed
a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We
have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell
a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time
a lie is told."
Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging
to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice.
He only told two lies in his life.
Hillary asked, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter replied,
"Jesus has it in His office...He is using it as a ceiling fan."
Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school. When he
stepped into one of the classrooms, the young students
were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he
would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word
"tragedy."
Our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
tragedy.
One little boy stood up and said, "If my best friend, who
lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came
along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty
children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that
would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we
would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Clinton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here
who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his
hand. In a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One,
carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and
blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy!"
"Fantastic," exclaimed Clinton. "That's right! And can you
tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident,
and it certainly would be no great loss!"
_____________________________________________
Bill Clinton's Valentines
How do I love thee? Let me count the entries in the
White House visitors' log.
_____________________________________________
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river
and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a
Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed
would you use?
_____________________________________________
Thank you, Bill Clinton.
Thank you for allowing us to come to the realization that
"sexual relations" is not clearly defined after all. And all
these years, we all thought that "oral sex" really had
something to do with sex! (Imagine!)
Thank you for reintroducing the concept of
"impeachment" to a new generation who missed the
discussion surrounding it the last time it was brought up.
Thank you for curing me of my addiction to the evening
news.
Thank you for reminding us that, when all is said and
done, character really, really does matter.
And, in comparison to recent days:
Thank you for making Dan Quayle look like the Rhodes
Scholar.
Thank you for making Jimmy Carter look competent.
Thank you for making Gerald Ford look graceful.
Thank you for making Richard Nixon look honest.
Thank you for making Lyndon Johnson look truthful.
Thank you for making John Kennedy look moral.
Thank you for making Al Gore look positively
presidential.
Thank you for reminding us of the importance of term
limits.
So, thank you, thank you, thank you!
_____________________________________________
Women in Washington DC were asked if they would
have sex with the President.
86% said "Not again."
_____________________________________________
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were
vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a
venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill
up their car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the
station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos and then the White House
couple went on their way.
As they were driving on to their final destination, Bill put
his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had
stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service
station owner."
She smirked and replied, "No! If I had stayed with him,
HE would be the President of the United States
TODAY!"
_____________________________________________
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval
Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to
do about it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
_____________________________________________
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks
down the steps off Air Force One with two pigs under his
arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor
guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back
Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary."
The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
___________________________________________
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she
was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things
looked.
He said he was pleased and that she was in great
shape, but that she was pregnant.
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that
she most definitely was a month pregnant. Beside
herself, she stormed out of the office and went to the
receptionist, took the phone and called the White House.
When the operator answered she said it was Hillary and
she wanted to talk to Bill right away.
The operator rang the oval office and Bill answered.
Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten
bastard? You got me pregnant!"
The president remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME
PREGNANT!"
Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"
__________________________________________
Bill Clinton has a dream in which he meets George
Washington. He says, "George, tell me what I can do to
make things better for the people."
George Washington replies, "Lower the taxes."
Clinton says, "I can't do that."
The next night he dreams again. This time Thomas
Jefferson is there.
"Thomas Jefferson," Clinton says, "Tell me what I can do
to make things better for the people."
Jefferson replies, "Lower the taxes."
Clinton says, "I can't do that."
The next night he dreams again. This time Abraham
Lincoln is there. "Abraham Lincoln," Clinton asks, "what
can I do to make things better for the people?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
Clinton's Speech Translated
Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new
patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was
*really* trying to say in his August 17th Speech to the Nation.
[Translated comments are in brackets.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"President Bill Clinton's Speech"
Aug. 17, 1998
CLINTON: Good evening.
[Yo.]
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the
Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
[Today, I got my ass dragged over the coals.]
I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my
private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my ass.]
Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both
public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
[I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about
my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally
accurate, I did not volunteer information.
[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a
semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling
the truth.]
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not
appropriate.
[I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the
Government."]
In fact, it was wrong.
[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]
It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on
my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
[I was horny.]
But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time
did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any
other unlawful action.
[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullshit...]
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a
false impression.
[I lied like a bitch.]
I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.
[Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?]
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]
I was also very concerned about protecting my family.
[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of
'Soccer.']
The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically
inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration,
too.
[I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go
this far.]
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent
counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20
years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal
agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two
years ago.
[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and
friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself
is under investigation.
[I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught
me with my hand in the cookie jar.]
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent
people.
[Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most --
my wife and our daughter -- and our God.
[Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]
I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do
so.
[If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I
intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business
but ours.
[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances
are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender,
young meat.]
Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of
personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with
our National life.
[-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke
Screen that's gone up...]
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I
take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can
do.
[I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.]
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time, to move on.
[Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]
We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real
problems to solve, real security matters to face.
[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget
everything...]
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past
seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to
return our attention to all the challenges and all the promises of the
next American century.
[Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab
Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown
my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend
like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.]
Thank you for watching.
[Sorry you had to see this.]
And Good Night.
[Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun!
Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go
somewhere safe!]
3A. In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you better, we
ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you
have realized that have helpd to define you as a person?
RESPONSE:
I am a dynamic figure, often scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known
to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the
area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-
winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occansionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensous god-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles
up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-Minute brownies in 20.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesday's, after school I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I recieve fan mail. I have been caller number
nine and have won weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
travelling centrifugal demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dinning room that evening. I know the exact location
of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists
who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let
off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the
meaning of life but forgotto write it down. I have made extraordinary four-
course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken
to Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
(** The author of this piece was accepted and is now attendingNYU **)
COLLEGE "BURGER JOINT" CONVERSATIONS FROM AROUND THE
NATION:
MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."
Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been
an A. Have some fries."
Stanford: "Dude, I got a B."
"Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have
been a C. Have some fries."
Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some escargot."
Harvard:"Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."
Williams:"Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."
Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay."
"Ditto. Have some fries."
Columbia:"I wish that I could be eating these fries at a
better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."
Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a
better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."
Dartmouth:"Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was
fuckin' awesome ..."
"Have some beer."
Smith:"God I'm desperate."
"Me too. Have some fries."
Tufts:"I wish I were Ivy league."
"Here drink the fry grease."
Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew
catalog."
"Here, look through mine. Have a Bison
Burger."
Boston College: "Huh, huh. It's cool being a rich idiot."
"Yeah, yeah, have some fries."
Emory: "You hear Duke won the NCAA basketball tournament?"
"Listen dickhead - I told you NEVER to mention Duke
- EVER!, give me a coke."
Johns Hopkins: "I killed everyone in my orgo class this
weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."
U. of Florida: "I hear another tourist got shot."
"Yeah, sucks. Have another Bean Burrito."
Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow."
"Yeah, me too. Let's finish this keg and go
laugh at the American U. students."
Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night."
"Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."
William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this
stupid colonial outfit."
"Me too. Pass the glass-blowing
equipment."
U.S. Naval Academy: "Sure wish I had last year's final
engineering exam."
"No kidding. Pass this year's final
engineering exam."
Carnegie Mellon U.: "I sure wish we had some women here."
"What are women? Have some vivarin."
Wellesley: "God, I'm desperate." "Me, too. Pass the tea."
Vanderbilt: "I didn't get into my sorority because my daddy
doesn't make enough money."
"Don't cry princess. Have some Baked Lays."
Barnard: "I sure wish there were some men here." "Have a banana."
Smith: "Oh my gosh! I love your hair."
"Sorry, I'm straight.. Pass the fries."
***********************************************************
YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT IF......
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of
which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without
sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value
Meal Plastic Cups (ie. Olympic
Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between
laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back
of a pick-up (one trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying
Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over
and introduce yourself.
13. If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM.
14. If you consider pizza one of the four major food
groups.
15. If you consider the other three to be beer, McDonalds,
and candy.
16. If you've ever missed a class to watch Ricki Lake.
17. Or play Warcraft.
18. If you've ever sent e-mail to the people you live
with.
19. If you refer to your meal card as "plastic".
20. If you've ever spent a good hour searching for your
student I.D. just so you could get that
one dollar off at the movies.
21. If you've ever stayed up all night just so you wouldn't sleep through your morning
class.
College Entrance Examination for Basketball Players
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
(a) Jewish
(b) CATHOLIC
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?
(a) Bed time
(b) 5:00
(c) am or pm?
(d) Happy hour
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) NORTHERNERS
(d) foreigners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) THE SKY
(e) Prince
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
(c) He wasn't my relative
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- Just
spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) FLORIDA
(c) Canada
(d) Europe
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
College Life..
Top Ten Signs That You're Suffering Semester Burnout:
10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream,
"Get off my back, bitch!"
8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie
Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."
7.You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep
because you just don't care..
6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory
when the nightly fire alarm goes off.
4. You sleep more in class than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag.
2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
Monday.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right
now.
College Habits to Bring Home
1.Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
2.Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
3.Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
4.Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
5.Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.
6.Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
7.Use your calling card when calling your friends.
8.Walk to the post office to get your mail.
9.Yell "FLUSH!"
10.Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.
11.Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.
12.Take all your shower items to and from your room.
13.Get dressed in the dark.
14.Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
15.Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
16.Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.
17.Order pizza every Friday night.
18.Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in
a room by yourself.
19.Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is
too much extra space.
20.Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss
them.
21.Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to
go out.
22.Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
withdrawal).
23.Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and
pay phone in the house..
send this to 5 people within 5 minutes or bad things might happen
College Majors:
1. ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read
little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good
grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody
with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying
Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big
white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white
whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is
actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
2. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there
is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in
philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
3. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists
are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training
a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my
roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is
now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about
rats, you should major in psychology.
4. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away
the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology
courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read
a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered
scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious
observations into scientific - sounding code. If you plan to major in
sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose
you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of
prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between
groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you
can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get large government
grant.
College Seniors vs. Freshman
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer
Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...
Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
College Student Confessions
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have
been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my
thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you
up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You
are not to read any further unless you are sitting down...
Okay???
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the
window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my
arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in
the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get
three headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and
he was the one who called the Fire Department and the
ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had
nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really
a basement room, but it is kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and
are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet,
but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes,
Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are
looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will
welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and
tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend
has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our
premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This
will soon clear up with the penicillin injections we are taking
daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open
arms. He is kind, and, although not well educated, he is
ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than
ours, I know your expressed tolerance will not permit you to
be bothered by these facts. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good, too, for I am told that his
father is an important gun bearer in the village from which he
comes.
Now that I have brought you up-to-date, I want to tell you that
there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or
skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I
am not engaged, and I do not have syphilis...
However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in biology,
and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Charlene
Colored or Not?
A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that
he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a
white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not
allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Pass this on and help erase racism!
The following are entries from a Washington Post contest in which
readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and provide
a suitable blurb:
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery's
classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human
nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all
of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
"Green Eggs and Hamlet" -- Would you kill him in his bed? /
Thrust a dagger through his head? / I would not, could not, kill the
King. / I could not do that evil thing. / I would not wed this girl,
you see. / Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington)
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" -- An '80s yuppie is denied books.
He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
"2001: A Space Iliad" -- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane
10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Curious Georgefather" -- The monkey finally sticks his nose where it
don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
"The Hunchback Also Rises" -- Hideously deformed fellow is
cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good
news ... (John Verba, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner" -- Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's
struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul
along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his
attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries,
Warrenton)
"The Silence of the Hams" -- In this endearing update of the Seuss
classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his
friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
"Portnoy's Choice": A man is forced to choose between his right and
left hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)***
"Jane Eyre Jordan": Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to
lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie)
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby" -- Having narrowly escaped a
Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of
actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in
it.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Catch-22 in the Rye" -- Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll
probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep
school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"Tarzan of the Grapes" -- The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are
saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to
grapevine. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Where's Walden?" -- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David
Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it
quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull,
Arlington)
"Looking for Mr. Godot" -- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter
her life. She has a looong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi" -- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove
Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a
raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)
"As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio" -- William Faulkner and Sherwood
Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest to
nail every woman in his home town. (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.)
Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics
WWW - World Wide Wait
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools
Teenagers
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
Computers male or female?
A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor was very aware of
the fact that that ships are addressed as 'she' and 'her'. He often
wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that
question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was
comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to
recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine
gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons
for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to
in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
5. The message, "Bad command or filename" , is about
as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
National Condom Week
YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX WITHIN FOUR DAYS OF
RECEIVING HIS LETTER, PROVIDED YOU SEND IT ON.
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR ROUSER HOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
22. IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the
girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says "Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know" he replies.
"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants,
takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS
TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Then, a
thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks
the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a
couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE
3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man
pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to
the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell
any condoms here?"
"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know" he says.
She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom,
"CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."
Subject: Not So Sharp
TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) - A company is trying to erase an embarrassing
mistake it made on pencils bearing an anti-drug message. The pencils
carry the slogan: "Too Cool to Do Drugs." But a sharp-eyed
fourth-grader in northern New York noticed when the pencils are
sharpened, the message turns into "Cool to Do Drugs" then simply "Do
Drugs." As a result of the discovery by 10-year-old Kodi Mosier of
Ticonderoga Elementary School, The Bureau For At-Risk Youth of
Plainview, recalled the pencils. A new batch of pencils will have the
message written in the opposite direction. For pointing out the
botched message, Moiser earned his class a letter of apology from the
company and box full of T-shirts. ###
The Corkscrew
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public
lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's
penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin
said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give
his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in
his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been
wringing it."
This originated in the Philippines, and expounds on the Filipino love of
acronyms.
++++++
Subject: Mga Kabaduyan
Baka sakaling kailangan ninyo...
H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
R.U.S.S.I.A. - Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.
M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
B.A.L.I.W.A.G. - Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.
M.A.L.A.B.O.N. - May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.
I.M.U.S. - I Miss U, Sweetheart.
P.A.S.I.G. - Please Always Say I'm Gorgeous.
C.E.B.U. - Change Everything... But Us.
P.E.R.U. - Porget Everyone... Remember Us.
P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E. - Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice And Quiet Under
Ecstacy.
T.O.N.D.O. - Tonight's Our Night, Dearest One.
P.A.S.A.Y. - Pretty And Sexy Are You.
Y.E.M.E.N. - 'Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.
M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. - Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only..
Y.A.M.A.H.A.. - You Are My Angel! Happy Anniversary!
At ang pinaka.......
P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S. - Pumping Hot...I Love It!...Please Please.. I Need
Erotic Stimulation!
1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in
San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left
a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was
interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been
erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide
ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.
That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the
fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical
examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth
floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by and elderly man and
his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He
was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and
pellets went through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject
A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.
When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant
that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an
accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son
loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son,
knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the
gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now
becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one
Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his
attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten- story
building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story
window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows... both are mad.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...
Interesting Descriptions
This Man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room-temperature IQ.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him and hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
And finally....
Men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps
onto the hood of the car and hissesat them, through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?"
she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in
the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as
the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at
the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
and shouts, ... "Get the Fuck off our car!! "
A Crying Pregnant Blonde
There were three women sitting in a doctor's office,
a blond, a brunette, and a red-head. They were all pregnant.
"I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom," said
the brunette.
"Well, I'm having a girl because I was on top," said
the red-head.
All of a sudden the blond started crying. They asked
her what was wrong. "I'm having puppies," exclaimed the blond.
Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a
night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new
bride not to worry, because he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"
Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going
down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally
stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock
started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd
probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine
times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of
himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he
tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!
"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her
morning coffee.
"Why is that?" the husband asks.
"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed another
four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its
throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."
Cure for Snoring
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
REAL LIFE CYBER SEX
On-line computer users often engage in what is
affectionately known as "cyber sex." Often the fantasies typed into
keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty
raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers
in the following transcript of an on-line chat doesn't seem to quite
get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also
wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into
your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breast. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it
with a
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your
cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the
room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around
for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling
my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God!
One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm
pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:
*****************************************************************
This message wasn't written by the Dalai Lama. For more info see:
http://www.snopes2.com/inboxer/hoaxes/dalai.htm
*****************************************************************
Dalai Lama Millennium Message
This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium, all it takes is
a few seconds to read and think. Do not keep this message. The mantra
must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant
surprise. This is true even if you are not superstitious.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great
risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
* Respect for self
* Respect for others and
* Responsibility for all your actions
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke
of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct
it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each
other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
FORWARD THIS MANTRA E-MAIL TO AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE
AND YOUR LIFE WILLIMPROVE.
0-4 people: - Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: -Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: - You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
15 people and above: -Your life will improve drastically and everything
you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have A Nice Day!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of
you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards
are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who
did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves
from it.
GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead
yesterday after he tried to use'occy' straps (the stretchy little
ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot
railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A.
Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped an end around one foot anchored the other
end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was
greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY Three young men in
Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday
and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real
problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements
were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation
storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited,
producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several
hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from
their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT A
lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas
when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats
immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer.
On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this
individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and
shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to
say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat
survived the lightning strike with minor bums.
CATCH A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal
you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a
candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a
rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend
(a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU Not much was
given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless.
You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by
his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking
and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to
somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you
decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-
sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly,
management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been
evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the
technicians reaching nto his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the
gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that
was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought
of as "bright" by his peers.
RUNNER UP . . . A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found
himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's
Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St.
Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them
one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the
effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr.
Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was,
so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his
hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing
rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years,
was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit
since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its
being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran
around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended
passenger.
"Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been
very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some
depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr.Demuth played his
juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's
tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a
number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede,
three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for
Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove
his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured
and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives
began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered
with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.
"It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time
shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you
could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she
was under control, we had three people with shovels working to
keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to
tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her
rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy
Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously
amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive.
"I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't
take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the
troupe.
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS (Second Runner-Up)
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a
patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a
spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South
Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of
the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system,
and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any
clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause
of these deaths...
"It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter
the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support
system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go
about her business. When she had finished her chores, she
would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware
that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the
death rattle and eventual the solid beep over the whirring of her
polisher".
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in
question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department
is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there
should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now
closed." (Cape Times).
This year's winner is ..... True Story From Michigan, USA.
(Nothing this absurd could be fiction!) Guy buys a brand new
Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, & has $400.00+ in monthly
payments. He's pretty proud of this rig, & gets a hold of his friend
to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck
hunting & of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic
Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer & of
course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to
attract ducks-something the decoys will float on. Remember it's
all ice, & in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock
of ducks-a hole big enough to entice ducks to land-they needed
to use a little more than an ice fishing hole drill. Sooooo, out of
the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick
of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. To their credit, these
two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they
placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from
where they (& the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting & ran
back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from
the imminent explosion & could possibly go up in smoke with the
resulting blast.
After a little deliberation, they come up with a brilliant idea -- &
THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back, I mentioned the
vehicle, the beer, the guns &THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog. The
driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving-especially things
thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high
rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite
with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all
to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping feet,
waving arms & wondering what the heck to do now. The dog is
happy & now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of
dynamite.
I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part
of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches.
The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms-yelling even
louder & generally feeling kinda panicked. Now finally one of the
guys decides to think - something that neither had done before
this moment, grabs a shotgun & shoots the dog. This sounds
better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8
duck shot & hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The
dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued
on. Another shot, & this time the dog-still standing, became
REALLY confused & of course scared. Thinking that these two
Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY insane, the pooch
takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still
burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds?
Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some
thousand dollars - the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is
sitting nearby on the lake ice.
KA-BOOM!
Dog dies, what's left of the vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, &
these two "Co- Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing
there with this "I can't believe this happened to me" look on their
faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance
company & is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake
by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy. He had
yet to make his first car payment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, And
through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk
through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn
you. Isaiah 43:2
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The
driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over
and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a
man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out
of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls
out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends
down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops
off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops
another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the
label. It says . .
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punchline)
(You know your gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
... It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds
permanent wave."
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show; and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle; for example; I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you; however; regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice; I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery; as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age; what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is; how do I tell? I have tried asking; but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves; both male and female; provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans; but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 11:10); it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20; or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed; including the hair around their temples; even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean; but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field; as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively; so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Do you realize that every year, hundreds of thousands of people suffer
from a condition commonly known as "death"?
That's right. In fact, death is THE NUMBER ONE leading cause of loss of
life in America today!!!!!
If you would like to help stop this horrible travity, SEND THIS TO
EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
If more people die, its your own fault!
Thank You,
Jason Ho
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand; tears ran down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh.... don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something
I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, and your mother."
"I know," answered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
Nick & Dave's Detailed Analysis of Wannabe
The first thirty seconds or so of this song can be wound up as such:
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want
The Spice Girls continually ask each other what they want, without recieving an
answer. Why don't they ask someone who might give them a straight answer,
instead of each other, who seem unable to do this? Probably because the average
answer would be something along the lines of "I really really want you to shut
the fuck up."
The next point of interest in the song is a somewhat baffling one, when we
finally recieve the answer to Tell me what you want. It is:
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig
ha.
Obviously they wanna "zigazig ha." But as yet, linguistic scholars have not been
able to work out what the phrase "zigazig ha" actually means. It is not contained
anywhere within the twenty four volumes of the Complete Oxford English
Dictionary, nor can it be found in the vocabularies of some of the worlds least
used dialects including Ancient Sanskrit, Waorani Amazonian, or Scottish
Gaelic. Perhaps it is some funny midlands expression that the world is yet to
discover. (Nick remembers reading somewhere that one of the girls is quoted as
saying something like "I'm really an alien from outer space." This may help.)
However, it is possible to deduce the meaning by looking at the rest of the
sentence. We find that "zigazig ha" is an action which they want to perform.
Thus, we worked out that the most likely possible meanings were:
I really really really wanna learn some new words other than "wanna" and
"really."
I really really really wanna find someone that won't keep asking me to "get to
the point" when I'm telling them what I really really want.
I really really really wanna watch Ninja Turtles 2 again so I can learn more
about how to rap.
I really really really wanna visit a speech therapist.
I really really really wanna have people think that I am an African-American
from Los Angeles and not an Anglo-Saxon from the East Midlands of England.
The chorus, which can be summed up as:
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.
had members of the Christian Coalition burning the CD because of its "sexual
immorality". However, we believe this is a superficial interpritation which does
not capture the true meaning of the chorus. Rather, "get with my friends" means:
"give me and my friends a recording contract". 'Nuff said.
The next part of the song relates to the commitments involved (if you wanna be
my lover...), ending with,
If you really bug me, then I'll say goodbye.
This calls for protest. The Spice Girls have bugged the whole world for the past
year with their constant streme of mindless drival over the FM radio stations,
and now they say, "If YOU really bug ME"! Are they saying that in the United
Kingdom, which has a population of about 60 million, there is actually someone
who annoys people more than they do? I'd like to see that!
Next the first parts of the song and chorus are repeated, and then comes the most
tragic part of the song: the "rap." I have never been a huge fan of rap, but like
most people, I recognise it as one of the latest chapters in a great musical history
of black Americans' defiance of oppression. The Spice Girls have taken that, and
turned it into a pathetic story about their friends (sung in a code which no-one
but themselves can understand), and sung in a pissy glish-trying-to-be-
American-and-failing-dismaly accent. It is quite clear that there has never been a
drive-by shooting in Nottingham, though, if this continues to be played on the
radio stations, there may be one soon...
The final part of the song is somewhat confusing, the gist of it being:
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta slam your body down and wind it all
around.
This is a clear admission that you will be writhing in agony if exposed to the
influence of the Spice Girls for a polonged period. In fact, we already are.
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE
25.In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
24.No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college food
must be provided at an event fore students will come.
23.In high school, you carry your book bag on one shoulder. In
college you carry your book bag on both shoulders.
22.In college professors can tell you the answer without looking at
the teacher's guide.
21.In college there are no 'Tardy Slips'
20.In high school you live with your parents. In college you live
with your friends.
19.In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be
'cool'.
18.Only nerds e-mailed in high school because the cool kids 'didn't
know what it was'.
17.In high school you're told what classes to take. In college you
get to choose, that is as long as the
classes don't conflict, that you have the prerequisites, that the
classes aren't closed, and that you have paid your tuition.
16.In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your
way out of it. In college, you're
lucky to ever talk to the professor.
15.In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration.
In college, the fire drills are
planned by drunk fraternity guys coming home when the bars have
finally stopped serving them.
14.In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your
grade that your high school final exams ever did.
13.In high school, when the teacher said "Good Morning" you mumbled
something back. In college, when the teacher says "Good Morning", you
write it down.
12..In high school, freshmen guys hit on senior girls. In college,
senior guys hit on freshmen girls.
11.In college, the weekends start on Thursday. (WOOHOO!!)
10.In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course
schedule of that man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out
where he/she will be on campus at a certain time so you can
accidentally' bump into him/her.
9.Once you've obtained the info in #10, its much more time-consuming
to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be to
'accidentally' bump into them.
8.In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three
meals a day.
7.In high school you drink Coca Cola. In college you dilute Vodka.
6.In high school it never took three weeks to get money from mom and
dad to go on a date.
5.College men are 'hot' while high school BOYS are 'cute'.
4.College women are legal. (WOOHOO!!)
3.In college, when you miss a class, you don't need a slip from your
parents saying you were skipp-... uh, sick that day.
2.In high school you can't go off campus for lunch because it is not
allowed. In college you can't go off campus for lunch because you
can't afford it.
1.In high school, people that were on drugs, drank, were zoned-out,
had untidy clothes or hair were called dorks. In college they're
called 'cool'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln Rhyme
Abraham Lincoln was a good old man.
He hopped out the window with his Dick in hand.
He said, "Excuse me ladies, just doing my duty
so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Mary Rhyme
Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Row Your Boat Song
Roll, roll, roll your joint
twist it at the end,
take a puff,
that's enough
and pass it to a friend.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
unzipped his fly,
and Jill said "I don't wanna"
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
forgot her pill
and now they have a son.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm A Little Penis Rhyme
I'm a little penis,
Long and hard,
If you want to see it,
Come in my yard,
When I get all horny,
Then I spurt,
Push me in,
And pull me out!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Rhyme
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his little Dick!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother Hubbard Rhyme
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter Peter Rhyme
Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme
Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Boy Blue
Little boy blue,
he needed the money.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Bow Peep
Little bow peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.
Dispelling Sexual Myths
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks
up and noticesthe most beautiful woman he has ever seen
boarding the plane.
He is very nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking
down theaisle toward him.When she takes the seat right
next to him, he is anxious to begin aconversation. He asks,
"Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the
annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous
woman sitting nextto him, and she's going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs!"And what do you do at this meeting?"
he asks."Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the
popular myths aboutsexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues desperately.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African
American men arethe most endowed, when in fact, it is the
Native American man who ownsthis trait. Also, it is widely
believed that the Frenchman is the bestlover, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best
lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and
blushes. "I'm sorry,"she says, "I just feel so awkward
discussing this with you when I don't even know you!
What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto
Goldstein."
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you
wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbor listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire."
Marriage is a three ring circus. The wedding ring,
the engagement ring, and suffering.
Why is a wedding dress always white?
So the dishwasher goes with the stove and the
refrigerator.
The next time you have a bad day at work or on the golf course...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.
"Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother... Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my experience with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
"Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year, the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
"Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
"Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
"I informed the dive supervisor of my problem over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
"When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut."
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, or on the golf course, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.
Does God Still Speak To Men?
A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study. The
Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's
voice. The young man couldn't help but wonder,"Does God still
speak to people?"
After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie
and they discussed the message. Several different ones talked
about how God had led them in different ways. It was about ten
o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his
car, he just began to pray, "God.. If you still speak to people
speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey."
As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the
strangest thought..."Stop and buy a gallon of milk." He shook
his head and said out loud, "God, is that you?"
He didn't get a reply and started on toward home.
But, again the thought, "Buy a gallon of milk." The young man
thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of
God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. "Okay, God, in case that
is you, I will buy the milk."
It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always
use the milk.
He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off
toward home. As he passed Seventh street, he again felt the urge,
"Turn down that street."
This is crazy he thought and drove on pass the intersection.
Again, he felt that he should turn down seventh street. At the
next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half
jokingly, he said out loud,
"Okay, God, I will." He drove several blocks, when suddenly,
he felt like he should stop.
He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi-
commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the
worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and
most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in
bed. Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the
people in the house across the street."
The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked
like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He
started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. "Lord,
this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up,
they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt
like he should go and give the milk.
Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go
to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look
like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that
will count for something but if they don't answer right away, I
am out of here."
He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear
some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What
do you want?" Then the door opened before the young man
could get away.
The man was standing there in his jeans and t-shirt. He looked
like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and
he didn't seem to happy to have some stranger standing on his
doorstep. "What is it?"
The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought
this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hall way
speaking loudly in Spanish. Then, from down the hall, came a
woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was
following her holding a baby. The baby was crying.
The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began
speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had some
big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have
any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to
show me how to get some milk."
His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I ask him to send an Angel
with some... Are you an Angel?" The young man reached into
his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in
the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and
the tears were streaming down his face.
He knew that God still answers prayers and that God still speaks
to His people. Do Ya ?
_..._
.~ '~.
,_ / }
,_\'--, \ _.''~~/
\'--,_'{_,} -(
'.'-.'\;--,___.'_
'._'/ |_ _{@}
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/ \ / | _ {@}_
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^^^^^^^^'--'------''--'^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
THIS IS A SIMPLE TEST.......
If you love Jesus, send this to ten people and the person that sent
it to you!!!!!!!!
DOG HAIKU
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy-come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot--
Sniff this and weep!
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle
I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
Maybe catching rats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do
The cat is not all
Bad -- she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence -- why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
You are my stamp pad
The mud I rolled in makes nice
Patterns on white shirts.
Squirrels, birds, and cats
Run everywhere, taunting me
I must chase them all.
It is morning now
I lick your sleeping face
Wake up - play with me!
I see my owner
Thus I must take wing and fly
Is my name "Down, girl!"?
Dogs and Computers
* Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits
* Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
* After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found
* Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead
* Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert
* Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
* Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data
* Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act
* Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller
(necessary only on Win-tel machines!)
* Sensitive internal procedures
D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed
"one kind-of like this" once
* Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows 95"
* Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag
* Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key
* Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months
* At end of useful life
D: euthanasia
C: tax deduction
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
you have two choices...smile and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.
I know what I did!!
The inventor of dormitories . . . let's find him, make him pay for the
travesties he's visited on America's youth, and force him to listen to
Matchbox 20. Can't you see him designing these hellish stacks of humanity
many years ago? From the sidewalk he raised his hands triumphantly and said,
"It shall be like the projects with less violence and more marijuana!" He
then took lumber and Elmer's Paste, as it is often called, to create these
pet-carrier-sized rooms that we live in. You wanna know why people from the
projects hardly ever go to college? It's because they don't want to leave
their lush surroundings.
The actual term dormitory is of course derived from the Latin term for
sleep, which is appropriate because that is all you have space to do. You
have to do it standing up in the bathroom sink but it can be done. The
luckier students have space to scratch their asses but the windows have to
be open and their roommates have to be gone for the weekend. When you go
home the closets even feel like a gymnasium, and you can romp around in the
bathroom like a horny antelope. I can't imagine the kids who brought
everything they own to the dorm. I brought like a condom and a sock.
Next semester I hope to have a towel and the other sock. I also need a new
condom.
Forget having space to sleep. Who sleeps anyway? Nobody on my campus. I
think it's a rule. This one kid tried but no one knows what happened to him.
Let's just say his floor mates never saw him awake again. I feel like I'm a
member of the national insomnia coalition. Our agenda involves a lot of
Frappacino and staring at the test pattern on TV. It's like this strange
pseudo-vampire lifestyle. Did you know that if you stay up late enough they
play the Tonight Show over again and it still isn't funny?
No sleep really fucks with your eating habits too. Every night at 2 in
the morning you get as hungry as a Bosnian and you have to go to the vending
machine to watch the one bagel spin in the carousel of salmonella. People
have White Zombie playing until 5 AM, which to me really encompasses my mood
at 5 AM. I could be listening to Kenny G and it would seem hard-core at 5 in
the morning. It doesn't matter because you still can't get an open clothes
dryer minutes before sunrise. There's like this one chick who's always tying
up an entire dryer with like one pair of panties. I let it slide because it
gives me an opportunity to watch hypnotically tumbling panties. The worst is
when she turns out to be morbidly obese and you have to vomit in your laundry
basket. Not that the dryers work anyway. I could fart on my laundry and get
it drier than the converted toaster ovens that the university supplies. Dry
jeans? Forget about it. I had to convert mine to a deep-sea wet suit.
So what if you want to leave the dorm? Get ready for a chore. You'll
need keys, ID, bag, books, a map, an umbrella, sun glasses, insulin, a snake
bite kit, mace, a pack mule, and an Algonquin Indian translator (Miami
students---you know what that's all about). Then you have to go walking
through the building kissing the asses of all the dweebs you live with and
holding the door for anyone in the same county. What's with the door-holding
policy? Like opening a door requires a spotter. If you've got arms, a
coordinated foot, or useful nub, open your own Goddamn door. No matter
where you go you have to use these gerbil-on-a-wheel elevators. I could
climb up the side of the building with a corpse tied to my johnson in less
time than it takes for the door to close. Then you have to fucking march for
miles from your dorm which is conveniently placed on fucking opposite side
of the campus from any building that is fucking remotely important. People
on roller blades I accept, people on bikes I have urges to clothesline but
tolerate, but people on skateboards have a value just below medically
retarded Nazis. It must be explained to them that skateboards were cool when
we were 11 and even then they weren't that cool.
Where are you headed? Probably to get something to eat at the dining
hall. The only dish they haven't fucked up is
Lucky Charms. I think the university supplies them with a blender and
unlimited horse meat mixed with some retired circus animals. The key to
making the menu fresh and exciting is the food coloring. The charming and
buck-toothed lunch ladies proudly announce, "Yesterday we had chicken nuggets
and today we present to you blue chicken chunks that are totally unrelated to
the nugget dish we served you just yesterday. We are serious, they have
nothing to do with each other. I stake my hair net on it. You can have extra
blue in yours.." And the ladies (who really seem to love livin' in the
exciting scooping career) refuse to serve more than what fits on a toothpick.
You can't just ask for a large portion, you have to ask for "more than the
offensive line could consume this semester." Then you get a second blue
nugget. Remember how excited the potato bar got you the first week? Now the
potato bar makes you homicidal.
(What are bacon flavored bits made of?)
Then you get to come home to your room. Mine is called a suite, which is
a pretty cruel manipulation of the English
language. I get to spend time with the closet case that the boarding office
apparently found compatible with me. He's like Chewbacca's considerably
less attractive estranged midget cousin. A wookie also has better control of
the English language. My roommate is another rant all together. Most people
get one of two kinds of roommates, the one who sharpens knives while he
watches you sleep (mine), and the one who asks you what it's like to go
outside (also mine). My suite mates next door live an intensely Rastafarian
lifestyle. In an attempt to put Cheech and Chong to shame, their bong is a
centerpiece of the room that they clean with wadded textbook pages. They
smoke to Bob Marley at 5 AM on Wednesday nights which is a little too
hardcore but you have to love their dedication to the sport.
End your dorm day by hopping in the shower. It's as big as a tupperware
container. It has 3 temperatures, fucking hot, really fucking hot, and
nuclear. Whenever somebody flushes a toilet on the campus the temperature
goes to skin removal levels and I go blind for a few minutes. I swear it is
connected to every toilet. My brother flushed the toilet at home last week
and I called him to tell him to be a little more considerate. The bathroom
is as clean as any fast food restaurant urinal cake and after the average
college student cleans the shitter with a bottle of Vodka it's as clean as
any bus station. I've given up on cleaning the bathroom and I'm disinfecting
myself. A quick spray down with Lysol Direct and my body is fresh and
repellent to several bacteria.
Bottom line. Turn up the music and try to get high off the fumes coming
from under the bathroom door because they never share. The "best days of
your life" will be over soon.
Kenneth Starr (holding a sign that says "Starr I Are"):
I'm here to ask,
As you'll soon see,
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
in your house?
Did you grope
beneath her blouse?
Clinton:
I did not do that
here or there--
I did not do that
anywhere!
I did not do that
near or far--
I did not do that
Starr-you-are!
Starr:
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?
Clinton:
I do not like you
Starr-you-are--
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Any more...
-- Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
(The public's easy
to distract--
when bombs are
falling on Iraq!)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to eat doughnuts all day long.
Drunk
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
THE ELEVATOR JOKE
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator,
there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F"
(letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as
sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,
"S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,
Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
51 DAYS
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open
and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles
of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up
their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more
blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days,
51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her
arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender
can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the
center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the
frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all
the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten
of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box
said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
THE FISHING JOKE
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the
lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the
shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets
at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe
magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said
the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game
Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the
other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
HARESPRAY
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumpted in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see
what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began
to cry. A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the
side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man
what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and
sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to
life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again,
hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50
feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in
the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
"What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman
turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
Send it to:
1 person-your crush will finally know you exist on planet earth
2 people- your crush is interested in knowing more about you(and the above)
3 people- your crush thinks you're cute(and the above)
4 people- your crush will try to talk to you(and the above)
5 people- your crush will call you(and the above)
6 people- your crush will ask you to dance at the next dance(and the above)
7 people- your crush will ask you out(and the above)
8 people- your crush will ignore all other cute guys/girls who flirt with
him/her(and the above)
9 people- more guys/girls will like you, including cute ones(and the above)
And NO, you won't get bad luck or anything if you don't send it on, but at least
try to pass the humor on. I mean, isn't this better than the ones that help people
with cancer???
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses
given by insightful witnesses:
1."Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2."The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3."Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4."Were you alone or by yourself?"
5."Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"
6."Did he kill you?"
7."How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8."You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9."How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which was sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."
Christmas is for everyone....
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you
Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock
............(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me(and then took it all
away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
An Illinois man left the streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife, on a business trip and was planning to meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife,
whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.
P.S: Sure is hot down here.
One day God was looking down on earth and saw all of the evil that was
going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So,
he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she
returned she told God; yes it is bad on earth, 95% of the people are bad
and 5% are good.
He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male
Angel to get both points of view. So, He called a male angel and sent him
to earth to see what he could find. When the angel returned, he went to
God and told him, yes, the earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad
and 5% are good.
God said, "This is not good!" So he decided to send an e-mail to the 5%
that were good and encourage and strengthen them. Something that would
help them keep the faith and keep going.
Do you know what that e-mail said? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ?
Oh, you didn't get one either??????????
Ebonics Christmas:
'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway....
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home.
And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
Preacher & Peanuts
One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.
As he is sitting there talking with her, he
notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in
front of him.
'Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?' he asks
the lady.
'Help yourself,' she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up
to leave and notices that he has eated almost all
of the peanuts in the bowl.
'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I
only meant to eat a few.'
'That's okay,' says the lady, 'Since I've lost my
teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the
chocolate off of them.'
------------------------------
Dumb Faith
A guy's in his house when horrendous rains come
up. The water starts rising, and before you know
it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered.
Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along.
Guy in the boat yells, 'Come on - we're here to
save you. Get in the boat.'
Guy in the house says, 'No...I've got faith that
God will save me.'
The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy
is forced up the second floor of his house by the
flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in
the boat yells, 'Come on! It's getting worse. If
you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.'
From the second floor window the guy says,
'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll
save me.'
The boat leaves. Water's rising. The
guy's on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead
and the pilot shouts out, 'This is your last
chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come
now you're going to drown.'
The guy says from the roof, 'No, thanks. God will
save me.'
The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The
water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends to the pearly
gates. He asks St. Peter, 'What happened? I've
been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he
would save me. Why did he let me down?'
And St. Peter tells him, 'What the heck do you
want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!?'
----------------------------------
A cop pulls a man over. The driver asks the cop why you pull me over.
"because you were speeding!"
"no I wasnt"
"yes you were"
"no i wasnt"
etc. etc. etc. back and forth. Finally the cop is really pissed and asks
the mans wife, "o.k. Ma'me you settle this, was your husband speeding or
not?
"Officer I have been married to this man for 30 years and the one
thing Ive learned is never to argue with him when hes drunk!""
-----------------------------------
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man
wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's
really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've
got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll
want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young
man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl
leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious
person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist."
------------------------------------
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they
presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house
handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house George was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
"but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my
husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do
something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea.
-------------------------------------------
The was a man who was exploring parts of Tibet when he came upon a ship
with all sorts af strange antiques. He found a strange statue of a
bronze mouse that he had to have. The old storekeeper told him "$10,000
for the mouse and $10,000 for the story behind it."
The man told him that he would just take the mouse. As he left out of
the shop, he noticed several mice following him. He nervously picked up
his pace and started to walk faster. Each block he walked more and more
mice came out of the woodwork to follow him. By the time he started to
run there were thousands of mice running after him. He came to the river
and heaved the bronze mouse into the river - all the mice that were
following him also jumped into the river.
When the man returned to the shop where he bought the bronze mouse, the
storekeeper said "Ahh, so I see you have some to hear the story after
all."
The man replied, "Actually, I came to see if you have a bronze lawyer"
-------------------------------------
6 reasons computers must be female
1) No one but their Creator understands their internal logic.
2) As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
3) Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
4) The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to every one else.
5) The message, "bad command or file name", is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you"
6) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
------------------------------------
Spare Parts
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he
had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy
thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let
it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that
gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just
smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam
really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing
that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well,
good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Election Logic Applied to Baseball
NEW YORK (AP) -- The New York Mets announced today that they are
going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of
game 5 of the World Series.
The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press
conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the
Major League Players Union. "We meant to hit those pitches from
the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets batting coach. "We were
confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and
believe we have been denied our right to hit."
One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets
batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at
curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to
swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not
confused by the pitches.
Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had
extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the
World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league
play earlier in the year. "The fact remains that some of the
pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said
the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the
Yankees are celebrating prematurely." Major League Baseball has
reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted
the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. "While
some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls,
there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World
Series," the commissioner said.
Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-
base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series,
regardless of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we
were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets
spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours." The manager
of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some
light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes
"we need to let the process run its course without a rush to
conclusion."
KU-UCLA Game Disputed - Recount of Score Demanded
(AP) - New York
Steve Lavin and the UCLA Bruins are demanding a recount of the game
in which Kansas won 99 to 98. "The baskets were confusing," says
Lavin. "I'm sure that some of the balls that went in Kansas' basket were
meant to go into ours. Kansas teams would never have scored nearly one-
hundred points. There's no way we lost this one. UCLA demands a recount."
Kansas officials are calling his "outrageous". "They agreed to the
size and shape of the baskets prior to tip-off," replies KU coach Roy
Williams. "If they had a problem with them, they should have said so
before we started.
You don't get to keep playing until you're happy with the outcome.
Someone had to lose. We've scored over one hundred points many times."
UCLA has sent lawyers as well as their athletic director to Madison Square
Garden, where the scoreboard will be tested. Bob Frederick, athletic
director for Kansas, will be there as well to oversee the process. "We are
confident that when the points are re-totaled, we will be the winner of
the game," says Frederick.
Kansas also points out that in many games prior to this one, the same
baskets were used. "They didn't have a problem with the baskets until
they lost," says Williams.
Outside the garden, UCLA student protesters have gathered outside bearing
signs such as, "UCLA wants a fair game!". Students'thoughts echoed their
signs. "All we want is a fair total of the points before we declare a
winner," says student Karen Hays, a Bruin from California. "We need to
proceed cautiously and not rush to judgment before we declare a winner."
ESPN, around 7pm eastern time, had mistakenly declared UCLA the winner,
despite the 16 point lead the Jayhawks held at that point. At about
8:30pm, with the game still to close to call, ESPN had to back off
its prediction.
College Basketball analyst Jay Bilas made the call. "We felt that with a
number of points still not added in by Cummings and Watson, two very good
scorers, we were certain UCLA would carry this game. We may have been
premature in our prediction."
If you receive an e-mail message with "End-All Virus" in the Subject line, don't
open it. If you do: End-All will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes
melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the
tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs
you try to play. It will give your ex your new phone number. It will mix Kool-
aid into your fishtank. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
company comes over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work. It
moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick
your dog.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a
rather interesting shade of mauve. End-All will give you Dutch Elm disease. It
will leave the toilet seat up. And it will leave bacon cooking on the stove while
it goes out to chase grade-schoolers with your new snowblower.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of
pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I
weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose
before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet
was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and
worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to
light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble
about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my
husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a
summer day because my hair had just been teased and
sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried
about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television-
and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was
practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a
lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have
cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment
growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in
a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have
said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's".. more "I'm
sorry's"....but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize
every minute...look at it and really see it .. live it...and never
give it back.
Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't
like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's
cherish the relationships we have with those who Do love us.
Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are
doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally,
as well as spiritually.
Life is too short to let it pass you by.
We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.
I hope you all have a blessed day.
* .(\ *** /) * . *
. * (\ (_) /) *
. (_/ ll\_) . * .
.* . /___\
* .. *
In memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.
Here is an angel sent to watch over you.
He does not have a beer gut;
he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not quiet;
he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not stupid;
he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He does not get lost;
he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not balding;
he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a cradle robber;
he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get falling-down drunk;
he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not short;
he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
He does not constantly talk about cars;
he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
He is not unsophisticated;
he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
He does not hog the blankets;
he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
He is not a male chauvinist pig;
he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He doesn't have a dirty mind;
he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
He is not afraid of commitment;
he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
EuroEnglish
The European Union commissioners have announced
that agreement has been reached to adopt English
as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the
other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be
known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the
first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft
'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this
news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be
replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up
konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less
letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be
replaced by 'f'. This will make words like
'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where
more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and
they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps
such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd
from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes
vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or
difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
The following is a direct quote from the Center for
Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL
ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story
swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital
in San Diego that was under investigation for medical
insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands
of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked
up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the
investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with
delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and
was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all
conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas
and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go
through the front doors. We have them locked. You
will have to go around to the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital
is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and
we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent.
Can you remember To bring the pizzas and sodas to the
service entrance in the rear? We Have the front doors
locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.
This city fellow had just moved out to the country and decided that he needed some animals, so he decided to walkup and down his road to see what his neighbors had.
The first farm he came across had a bunch of chickens running in the yard. "Say farmer" the man yells, "Would you be willing to sell me one of your chickens?" The farmer replies, "Sure, but around here we don't call 'em chickens, we call 'em pullets".
The man thanks the farmer for the advice and picks up the pullet and continues on down the road until he comes to the next farm where the yard is full of roosters. "Say farmer", yells the man, "Would you be willing to sell me one of your roosters?" "Sure", says the farmer, "but around here we don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks".
The man thanks the farmer and puts the cock under his other arm and continues walking down the road. He soon spots a farm with a herd of donkeys. "I could use one of those", he says . "Hey farmer", he yells "Would you be willing to sell me one of your donkeys?" "Sure", says the farmer "but around here we call them asses".
The man takes the ass and starts leading him away when the farmer yells, "Hey, sonny, that ass is a little persnickety. If he decides to sit down all you have to do to get him up again is scratch him behind his left ear."
Thanking the farmer yet again the man decides to head for home with his animals. On the way the ass decided to sit down. The man was in a bit of trouble, he had his pullet under one arm and his cock under the other. If he put one down it would surely wander off.
Now it just so happened that a nun was just walking over the hill. The farmer, spying her, quickly ran up to her. "Excuse me miss," he said. "Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
Fast and Easy Fruitcake
1. Find the fruitcake somebody gave you last year.
2. Re-wrap, and give to somebody else.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
were serious enough to take the trucking company
(responsible for the accident) to court. In court the
trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the
accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what
happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie
into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer
interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not
say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in
Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like
to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule
Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by
her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the
road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He
said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her. How are you feeling?"
FEMALE COMEBACKS
Man: Where have you been all my life ?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
FORWARD ON TO ALL WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS :)
Written by a Smart Man
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the
shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung
out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic and here's why.
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work. That's 76 miles. Of
these,16 each way is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper
is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in,
that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982
cars every mile, or 31424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is
not bumper to bumper I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every
day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In
any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their
period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding, which would be 449.
According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And 34%
describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE
DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life,
thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or
homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed. No matter
what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.
Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Crap
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From Marauding Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and
Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Topless and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to
an
Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington,D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men are Men and Sheep are Scared
FINAL EXAMINATION
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.
1) H I S T O R Y
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on
its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical
impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise,
and specific.
2) M E D I C I N E
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and
a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until
your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
3) P U B L I C S P E A K I N G
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except
Latin or Greek.
4) B I O L O G Y
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years
earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the
English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
5) M U S I C
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute
and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
6) P S Y C H O L O G Y
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,
Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.
Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work,
making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
7) S O C I O L O G Y
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end
of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
8) M A N A G E M E N T S C I E N C E
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each
terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications
interface and all necessary control programs.
9) E N G I N E E R I N G
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed
in a box onyour desk. You will also find an instruction manual,
printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be
admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
10) E C O N O M I C S
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:
Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.
Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this
method from all possible points of view. Point out the
deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your
answer to the last question.
11) P O L I T I C A L S C I E N C E
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War
III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
12) E P I S T E M O L O G Y
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your
position.
13) P H Y S I C S
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science.
14) P H I L O S O P H Y
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.
15) G E N E R A L K N O W L E D G E
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
* * E X T R A C R E D I T * *
Define the universe; give three examples.
A Supposed True Finals Story
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two
sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did
pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc.,
such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday,
they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with
some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather
than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor
Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the
final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend,
and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had
a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't
get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and
relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at
the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate
rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to
begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something
simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points.
"Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that
problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next
page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when
he notices a little girl next door.
The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"
The little girl says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire
truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a
nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks mister," says the little girl.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the
wagon to the dog's testicles. "Little girl," says the fireman, "I don't
want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that
rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't
have a siren!"
One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout
at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the
fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought
out of state. (because they are illegal in their state, of course!)Just before they
were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen
through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra
food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a
police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers
to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them
somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food
for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells then
the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition
button with the lid still closed.
They head out the back, as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The
father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police
officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yes, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't
catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away,"
his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since
a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise
learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real
simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we
surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't
open the hatch."
@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#
Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a
medium, who promised she would contact the dead man.
During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband
standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my
table."
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the
Beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to
Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you
used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a
Wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember
How after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on
The cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on
Her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after
we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%
Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it
Was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have
Believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom
Wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella.
Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when
He noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he
Ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got
In front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died
recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for
you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It
would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called
out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that
his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few
things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over who should answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says: "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower: "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, our next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says; "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"
Flipper in the Forest
If you think you're having a bad day...
Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of
forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers
and face mask.
A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns,
but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad
diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on
the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast --
some 20 MILES away from the forest.
The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible,
called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were
dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire
and emptied. You guessed it! One minute our diver was making like Flipper
in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket
300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the
fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!!
FORREST in EVERYONE'S LIFE
Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates...
Forrest Dahmer People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, choolate
Forrest the Hun Chocolate all mine!
Forrest Simmons Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest'
Forrest Jackson Little kids like my box of chocolates
Forrest Hefner Keep the chocolate, lose the box.
Forrest Shakespeare Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
Forrest Of Borg All chocolates must be assimilated
Forrest Presley Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
Forrest Zen I am one with the chocolate
Forrest McClaine I used to be a box of Chocolates
Forrest Ventura Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then...
Forrest Lauper People just wanna have chocolate
Forrest Turner What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
Forrest Bones Dammit jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
Forrest Spock Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
Forrest Scotty The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
Forrest Christ Let he without sin, eat the first chocolate
Forrest Rooney Why is it, that we are all chocolates?
Forrest Butler Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate
Forrest O'Hara Tommorrow, is another box of chocolates.
Forrest Lee Fight with your inner chocolate
Forrest Clinton I didn't inhale the cream centers
Forrest Davidson I will inhale the cream filled centers
Forrest Doo Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
Forrest Pig Life is a box of chok-choa-che..candy
Forrest Marx That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever
seen....
Forrest Nicholson You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate
Forrest Copperfield Poof, the chocolates are gone!
Forrest X We didn't land in the box of chocolate, The box
of chocolate landed on us!
Forrest Hitler White Chocolates only!
Forrest the Frog Someday we'll find it/The chocolate
connections/The plain ones/The cream filled....and me...
Forrest Eastwood I know what your thinking..
Did he eat five chocolates, or did he eat six
Well let me ask you...
Do you feel hungry PUNK?..well...DO YOU?
Forrest Barney I'm cream filled, your with nuts.
We're a box of chocoluts
Forrest Adam and Eve ADAM=Chocolates are forbidden
EVE=Just eat one....
Forrest Moses I command the chocolates to seperate!
Forrest Noah 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter
Forrest Ali I am the chocolate boxer!
Forrest on phonics Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets
Forrest PsychicLine Yes, I knew you were a chocolate
Forrest 900-line oooh, can I suck your cream filled chocolates?
Forrest DatingGame Bacholer number two...
if I was a piece of chocolate..
What would you fill me with?
Forrest Alimony The Box is mine!
Forrest Adultry You just can't have just one chocolate.
The Forrest plague Ewww..these Chocolates are bad
Chief Justice Forrest Thomas I never touched her milk-duds!
Forrest Andrews The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates
Forrest Allen Chocolate, huroof..
Forrest Costello Who's eating chocolate?
Forrest Abbott No, who is not eating chocolate
Forrest Vader Luke, I am your chocolate
Forrest Yoda There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate..
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really good about the result.
The next morning, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't
mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks
the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd
guess you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's really feeling good about
himself. While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman
the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But
when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.
If I put my hand down your pants for two minutes I will be
able to tell your exact age."
As no one else was around the man agreed and let her slip her
hand down his pants. Two minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "Incredible! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the
Declaration of Independence? Five signers were captured by the British as
traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked
and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army, another
had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or
hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their
lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.
What kind of men were they?
Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were
farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they
signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty
would be death if they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships
swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties
to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his
family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his
family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and
poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton,
Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British
General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He
quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was
destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his
wife, and she died within a few months.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13
children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to
waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home
to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died
from exhaustion and a broken heart. Norris and Livingston suffered similar
fates.
Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were
not wild eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means
and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing
tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this
declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence,
we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred
honor."
They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books
never told you a lot of what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't
just fight the British. We were British subjects at that time and we
fought our own government! Some of us take these liberties so much for
granted...We shouldn't.
So, take a couple of minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and
silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they
paid..............
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred
minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie
the Pooh
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom
known until it be lost." - Charles Caleb Colton
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world
walks out."
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."
"Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life."
"Friendship is one mind in two bodies." - Mencius
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." -
Stone Temple Pilots
"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." - Dave
Matthews Band
"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump
with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them"
"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say."
"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go,
we take a little of each other everywhere." - Tim McGraw
Pass this on to all of your FRIENDS, even if it means sending it
to the person that sent it to you.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says,
"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says $30,000.00. The teller asks his name and the
frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000.00 is a substantial amount of money and
that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks
if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I
have
this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch
tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager
and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims
to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.00. He wants to use this
as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what
the heck is this?"
(Are you ready???)
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
man's a Rolling Stone."
Groans accepted.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting nexty to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and when he is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he
hears "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove
the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that was amazing. You must be a lucky frog,eh?"
The frogs replies, "Ribbit Lucky Frog." The man decides to take the
frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?,"
the man asks. "Ribbit Three Wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to
say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of his
life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies,
"Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The
Frog says "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the table, the man asks,
"What should I bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now
this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash come sliding back
across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room
in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know
how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever
grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserved
it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And
that your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck
to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain
will have bad luck. Do not keep this. Do not send money. Just
forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck.
You will see that something good happens to you four minutes
from now if the chain is not broken. You wiil receive good
luck in four minutes.
A bit of frog wisdom...
A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell
into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw
how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.
The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with
all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were
as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other
frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the
crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even
harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did
you not hear us?"
The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were
encouraging him the entire time.
This story teaches two lessons. There is power of life and death in the
tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and
help them make it through the day. A destructive word to someone who is down
can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak
life to those who cross your path. The power of words...it is sometimes hard
to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. So from this
day forward, think before you speak..
===============================================================
***From the Desk of Martha Stewart***
This perfectly delightful note is being sent (on paper I made yesterday
afternoon) to tell you what I've been up to since I saw you last in Palm
Springs. It snowed last night, so I got up early and made a sled with old
barn wood and a hot glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold-leaf, got out my
loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then, to make the sled
complete, I made some reindeer to pull it with some extra reindeer DNA I had
laying around in the refrigerator. By then it was time to make the place mats
and napkins for my 50 guests. I'm serving the old standard twelve-course
Stewart breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret, I didn't have time
to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand
and antiqued them while doing my 45 minutes on the treadmill. Before I moved
the table and chairs into the dining room, I decided to add a festive touch to
the room. So, I repainted the room in pink and stenciled gold stars on the
ceiling. Then, while my 12-grain bread was rising, I took antique molds and
made the dishes (in exactly the same shade of pink!) to use for breakfast.
These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian
craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the button holes on the dress I'm wearing
for the breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post
office as soon as the glue dries on the envelopes I'll be making shortly.
Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long - I have 40,000 cranberries to
string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good
thing!
Love, Martha
P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8 inch goldgauze.
I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries, which I
grew, picked and crushed last week in an idle moment
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language
today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can
describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical catagories. It can beused as a
verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by
John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary
really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as
a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm
late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy,
fuck she's also stupid). As you can see there are very few words with the overall
versitility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used To describe
many situations:
1)Greetings................"How the fuck are ya?"
2)Fraud...................."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3)Resignation.............."Oh, fuck it!"
4)Trouble.................."I guess I'm fucked now."
5)Aggression..............."FUCK YOU!"
6)Disgust.................."Fuck me."
7)Confusion................"What the fuck...?"
8)Difficulty..............."I don't understand this fucking shit!"
9)Despair.................."Fucked again..."
10)Pleasure................"I couldn't be any fucking happier!"
11)Displeasure............."Fucking shit man..."
12)Lost...................."Where the fuck are we?"
13)Disbelief..............."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14)Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
15)Denial.................."I didn't fucking do it, I swear!"
16)Perplexity.............."I know fuck about it."
17)Apathy.................."Who really gives a fuck anyway?"
18)Suspicion..............."Who the fuck are you?"
19)Panic..................."Let's get the fuck out of here!"
20)Directions.............."Fuck off."
21)Incomprehesion.........."How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be an anatomical description............."He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time....................."Its five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business.............."How did I wind up with this fucking
job?"
It can be maternal......................"MOTHERFUCKER!"
It can be political....................."Fuck Newt Gingrich!"
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?"
--Mayor of Hiroshima--
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
--General Custer--
"That's not a real fucking gun."
--John Lennon--
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
--Captian of the Titanic--
"Who the fuck's gonna find out?"
--Richard Nixon--
"Heads are going to fucking roll!"
--Anne Boleyn--
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
--Albert Einstein--
"It does so fucking look like her!"
--Picasso--
"How the fuck did I work that out?"
--Pythagoras--
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
--Michaelangelo--
"Fuck a duck."
--Walt Disney--
"What do you mean why...becuase its fucking there!"
--Edmund Hilary--
"Don't fucking light that..."
--Joan of Arc--
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
--Noah--
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
--John F. Kennedy--
"Houston...we've got a big fucking problem..."
--Crew of Appollo 13--
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fucking checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fucking checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
"What the hell do you plan to do about it?"
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million in the damn lottery and I want to open a fucking checking account in your fucking bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?
For all of you that get sick of receiving all the cute,
sappy friendship stuff...read on!
Dear Fucker,
You are my fucking friend,
And I hope you know that's fucking true.
No matter what the fuck happens,
I will stand the fuck by you.
I will fucking be there for you,
Whenever the fuck you need me.
To lend you a fuckin hand,
To do a fuckin good deed.
So just fuckin call on me,
Whenever the fuck you need anything.
Fuck... I will always be there,
Even to the bitter fuckin end.
Forward this promise to all your fuckin friends to show your
fuckin friendship and watch who sends it the fuck back to you...
Fuck it if they don't!
Fun things to do at garage & yard sales:
1. Demand to see something that's not out for sale. When they go to look for it, leave.
2. Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.
3. Walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color, size, quantity, price and anything else about the merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the landfill!"
4. Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking around with a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high enough, put it all back and leave.
5. When not observed, switch or remove the price tags.
6. When you see a sale, go home, round up all the neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.
7. When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by. Go up the block, turn around and drive sloowwllyy by again. Repeat a dozen times.
8. Ask for food and drink.
9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't understand. Leave cursing.
10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave without making a purchase.
11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek at the sale through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask "Where's the garage sale?"
12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this say "I've changed my mind" and leave.
14. Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage Sales Unfair to Retail Merchants".
Fun At the Drive-Thru
Stand close to the speaker and yell your order,
using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the
patrons inside.
After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape.
Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other
and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic,
speak English and inquire as to why the order taker
had such difficulty understanding you.
Attempt to take the order-takers order
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
Order confusing items, i.e.,
"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order,
then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind
you is handed 40 bags of food.
When you arrive at the window to pick up your food,
hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose
of it for you. Make sure it smells.
Drive through with a carload of naked people.
Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker
will think there is a problem with the speaker
and ask you to order at the window.
When you arrive at the window,
speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker
but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker
at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
Have a friend hide in the trunk.
When you approach the window to pickup your order,
have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
If you are a male, have a female friend place the order
by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker.
When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order.
See how many of the order-takers fellow employees
have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick
up window
I like Monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I
decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They
punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch
at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive;
They all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped
dead. Kindalike when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
Looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the
toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey
and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That
Worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started
to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my
toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.Unfortuantely
there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer
so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.
i had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
Monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred
monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving. I became
agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I
really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat
one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not
Allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen
ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them,
but could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals.
I like monkeys.
This is a chain letter.....now that you have read it, you will have
been hexed with bad luck in everything you do until you forward this
to 10 people you know. After 10 days, you will have permanant bad luck
forever. If you do forward this 10 people in ten days then you will
have good luck in life for the next year.
Scenario 1--Alex McNealy, a student from Yankton SD got this mail and
thought nothing of it. He simply deleted it. Ten days later, his
girlfriend was in a fatal car accident that nearly killed him too. Not
only that, but the blood he received in the transfusion was infected
with HIV.
Scenario 2--Korey Dampenhousse, a graduate student from NYC received
this letter and immediately forwarded to 20 people he knew. the
Next day, he received a promotion at work and got a date with the
secretary he had been eyeing.
So you see, forwarding this would be a good idea. You have been
warned.
Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for
the real "you"? In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have
been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these ...
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion
and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone
else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I
want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at
all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous
people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly
as gratifying.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary
fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter
words than "I told you so."
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming
my parents.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
A teacher compiled this list of comments from test papers, essays
etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior
high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It's truly
astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under
the pressure of time and grades".
* H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
* To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
* When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
* Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
* Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration.
* The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
* Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull.
* Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
* The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
* The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
outsides
have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat
to.
* A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and
eight cuspidors.
* The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards
the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
* Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
* Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
* Liter: a nest of young puppies.
* Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
* Momentum: what you give a person when they are going away.
* Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
* Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
* Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or
negative.
* To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
* For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart
stops.
* For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
then kill it.
* For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your
throat.
* To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
SIGN ON AN ELECTRICIAN'S TRUCK:
Let us remove your shorts
MATERNITY CLOTHES SHOP
We are open on labor day
ON MATERNITY ROOM DOOR:
'Push, Push, Push'
ON A FRONT DOOR:
Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog
SCIENTIST'S DOOR:
Gone Fission
TAXIDERMIST WINDOW:
We really know our stuff
PODIATRIST'S WINDOW:
Time wounds all heels
BUTCHER'S WINDOW:
Let me meat your needs
USED CAR LOT:
Second Hand cars in first crash condition
SIGN ON FENCE:
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive'
CAR DEALERSHIP:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment
MUFFLER SHOP:
No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming
NON-SMOKING AREA:
If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take
Appropriate action
OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs
had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse
stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which
can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came
out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so
refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured
out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to
the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company
found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all
the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's
mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the
ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in
Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue
with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that
explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos
before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case,
however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-
speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon
finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its
name.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that
time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of your underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are welcome to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You
are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the
hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hongkong supermarket: For your convenience, we reccomend courteous,
efficient self-service.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for streetwalking.
Outside a Hongkong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will
execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two
years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black
Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hongkong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed
under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours.
We guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
own ass?
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hongkong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all
directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you
are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the
bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served
here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japonese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles
and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control
yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in
sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
-English well talking.
-Here speeching American.
Games for When We Are Older
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's
television. Last week he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the
Tele-Tubbies, because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a
fount of gayness: He's purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped
like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all
gay people do. But Falwell's work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is
downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party
and has been for years.
Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle toes
Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
Wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney
far more than Wilma.
Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one
episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and
tails and belt out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy- who, it's
worth noting, has a lisp.
Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine.
Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick
turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.
Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't
been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat chested
transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real name: Bruce. Both
wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their
"grappling hooks".
Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the
other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt
Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears
comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.
Barney:
Evidence: Purple, talks funny, extremely annoying, sings (well), likes
little boy's, occasionally can be seen carrying a purse, and has never
once popped his female dino friend.. A sure sign that not only was
homosexualism rampant in the dark ages, but scientist have evidence of
it and has leaked the information. Now Falwell is fighting history,
which this disease was surly the cause of Dinosaur extinction( Not that
silly Giant Meteor Theory).
The Pink Panther
'Nuff said
Snagglepuss
Evidence: Another pink cat. Loves theater ("exiiit...stage leeeft").
Wears a bow tie and cuff links, and nothing else.
Genesis Take Two
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from
those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.
And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was
good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.
And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place
to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small
and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill
all the Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer
will make new programs and govern over the computers and
programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center;
And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said
You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE
Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.
He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a
creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire
the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does;
And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS
and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.
And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to
run any programs ?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every
program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows
or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something
you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will
become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you
like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless
- since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to
the Programmers that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the
Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I
can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need
drivers? Did you run Windows?
And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated
by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you.
And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows
will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will
have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the
Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the
User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors
and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door
and secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
George W. Bush's Familiarable Quotations
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple:
Who is to blame for the riots?
The rioters are to blame.
Who is to blame for the killings?
The killers are to blame.
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
Need we say more?
--Please forward as widely as possible; electing
this guy to the presidency would be ludicrous!
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that
you think in fractions. How old are you?. "I'm four and a half!"
You're never 36 and a half. You're four and a half... going on five!
That's the key! You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. How old are you?
"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 13, but hey, you're *gonna* be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life happens... you become 21. Even
the words sound like a ceremony; ~~* YOU BECOME 21 *~~ YYYYYYES!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like
bad milk. "He TURNED, we had to throw him out." There's no fun now,
you're just a sourpuss.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're
PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the breaks, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone. But
wait, you MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you'd would!!!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50, and MAKE IT to 60.
You've build up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it's a day
by day thing; you HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80's, and every day
is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30. You REACH bedtime.
(My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. It's an investment you
know, and maybe a bad one.)
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's you start going backwards; "I
was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again; "I'm 100 and a half!!!"
Ghost Story
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving
a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15
students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is
astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and
says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've
got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with
a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have
sex with a Ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said
'goats.'"
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous
blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all
night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes
and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He
reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her
eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman
invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her
HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins
Undressing him.
The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night.
The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and
brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet."
"No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye.
Gloves
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after
careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.
During wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and
the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:
My darling. This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your
birthday. I chose them because I noticed you were not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the ones
with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a
pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had the sales girl try them on and she looked really smart. I wish I
could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will
come in contact with them before I have a chance to see them again.
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will
naturally be a little damp from wearing. I hope you will like them and
will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love xxxxx
PS. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fluff showing.
Billboards from God.
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome...enjoy.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
God
C'mon over and bring the kids.
God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
God
We need to talk.
God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
God
I love you and you and you and you and...
God
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
God
Follow me.
God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
God
My way is the highway.
God
Need directions?
God
You think it's hot here?
God
Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
God
Do you have any idea where you're going?
God
*****
And my personal favorite . . . . .
Don't make me come down there.
God
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed
for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to
write a letter to God requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter to "God,
USA," they decided to send it to the president. The
president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately
sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read, "Dear
God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you had to send it through Washington
D.C., and as usual, those greedy politicians deducted 95
percent."
A few years ago at USC. There was a professor of philosophy
there who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one
required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove
that God couldn't exist.
His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his
impeccable logic. for twenty years, he had taught this class and
no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had
argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him
because of his reputation.
At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his Class
of 300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus,
stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what
he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes
in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from
hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is
God, and yet He can't do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk
onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred
pieces.
All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the
students thought that God couldn't exist. Certainly, a number of
Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too
afraid to stand up.
Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He
was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was
required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three
Months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the
courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class
thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.
Finally, the day came. The professor said, " If there is anyone here who
Still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people
looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom.
The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this
Piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the
chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the
pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it
simply rolled away unbroken.
The professor's jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the
young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had
stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in
Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told
of God's love for them and of His power through Jesus.
You have 2 choices.
1. Delete this and never look at it again.
2. Pass this along to your Christian and non-Christian friends,
giving them encouragement we all need every day.
When you choose option 2, you have chosen to STAND UP!
I put my faith in You, Lord. Give me Your strength, for I am weary.
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain
until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on
the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my
Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no
Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?"
A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project,
and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.
Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler
system.
My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in
my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and
Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch
any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick
up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still
no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the
Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct
of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the
IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving
the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use
tax.
I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the
sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?"
Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless
Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grammy. GOODBY Grampa."
The father thought this strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day,
the Grandfather died.
About a month later the father heard his son saying his prayers again:
"God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. GOODBYE Grammy." The next
day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little
worried.
Two weeks later the father again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless
Mommy, GOODBYE Daddy. That was enough to almost give him a
heart attack. He got up real early to avoid the traffic, stayed at work
through lunch and dinner. Finally he went home after midnight relieved
to be still alive. He apologized to his wife for being late, saying he had a
very bad day at work.
"You think you had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped
dead on my doorstep this morning!"
An annoyingly self-righteous teacher went to the doctor for a check-up. He
said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with
me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the teacher. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the teacher. "Tobacco is
bad and I have strong principles against it."
"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the teacher. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every
night....always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the teacher hard, and asked, "Well, do you
Have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the teacher. "I have terrible pains in my
head."
"O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too
tight."
Grade School Wisdom
One very enjoyable thing about sending your child off to elementary school is watching them learn those same pearls of playground wisdom that you remember from when YOU were a kid.
One fine example: The boy who turns his eyelids inside out.
And those kiddie urban legends: there's spider eggs in bubble gum, and if you eat Pop Rocks and drink a soda you'll explode.
Another example: those useful sayings that we heard on the playground as kids. I almost died laughing the other day when my daughter came home reciting this gem:
"Mamma Mia, Poppa Pia
Baby's got the diarrhea
Grandma said it wouldn't hurt
So I ate it for dessert."
I remember hearing THAT one when I was in kindergarten, 27 years ago! I wonder if the kid who originally made it up knows it's still around?
I'm sure we can all remember hearing these as well:
"Ta ra ra boom de ay,
I take your pants away
And while youre standing there
I'll take your underwear."
"Jimmy crap corn, and I don't care"
"'I'm Popeye the sailor man,
I live in a garbage can
I eat all the worms and I spit out the germs
I'm Popeye the sailor man."
And finally, one that's been around so long my mother remembers hearing it when SHE was in elementary school:
"There's a place in France
where the naked ladies dance
But the men don't care
Cause they wear no underwear."
Quotes of Groucho Marx:
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it,
misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter
stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Someone: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me
too".
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I
don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from
here!
To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you
bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the
set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy.
There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If
he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake
that, you've got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse
Go, and never darken my towels again.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
[Image]Time wounds all heels.
[Image]Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done
for me?
My mother loved children ... she would have given anything if I had
been one.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're
upstairs in my socks.
"Seven? That many?" She blushed, and said, "Well, I love my
husband." Groucho came back with, "I love my cigar, too, but I take it
out once in a while."
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is
probably more than she ever did.
Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used
to live in whales for a while.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce
that I was born at a very early age.
This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy..and I bet he was glad to
get rid of it
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my
pajamas I'll never know.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . .
But we're going back next week.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open your
mouth and remove all doubt.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Women should be obscene, and not heard.
In a restaurant to a waitress: "Do you have frogs legs or do you
always walk like that....
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child
of five.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake
that, you've got it made.
Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's
to dark to read.
Hello I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going.
I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that alps
themselves.
Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.
Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the
party.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the
politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
"Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought
I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
How would you like to feel the way she looks ?
My mother treated us all equally ... with contempt.
Someone: "The garbage men are here" Groucho: "Tell them we don't
want any".
Follow me men. Never mind men - just the women.
I like my women warm and my champagne cold.
Blood's not thicker than money.I cannot say that I do not disagree
with you.
Room service? Send up a larger room
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
just whispering in her mouth"
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Man: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me too".
The last time I saw legs like that was on a billiard table.
We give em a seventy-five cent meal that'll knock their eyes out.
After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want.
I drink to make people interesting.
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but found it
too unwieldy.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
I'll never forget my wedding day..they threw vitamin pills.
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the
slip.
I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.
Bare foot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by.
She never tried to speak, she never said a word. Many people passed,
but never did one person stop.
Just so happens the next day I decided to go back to the park, curious
if the little girl would still be there. Right in the very spot as she
was yesterday she sat perched on high, with the
saddest look in her eyes. Today I was to make my own move and walk over
to the little girl.
As we all know a park full of strange people is not a place for young
children to play alone. As I began walking towards her I could see the
back of the little girl's dress indicated a deformity. I figured that
was the reason the people just passed by and made no effort to help.
As I got closer, the little girl slightly lowered her eyes to avoid my
intent stare. I could see the shape of her back more clearly. It was
grotesquely shaped in a humped over form. I smiled to let her know it
was ok, I was there to help, to talk.
I sat down beside her and opened with a simple Hello. The little girl
acted shocked and stammered a hi after a long stare into my eyes. I
smiled and she shyly smiled back. We talked 'til darkness fell and the
park was completely empty. Everyone was gone and we at once were alone.
I asked the girl why she was so sad. The little girl looked at me and
with a sad face said "Because I'm different."
I immediately said "that you are!" and smiled. The little girl acted
even sadder, she said, "I know."
"Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent."
She looked at me and smiled, slowly she stood to her feet, and said,
"Really?"
"Yes, ma'am, you're like a little guardian angel sent to watch over all
those people walking by."
She nodded her head yes and smiled, and with that she spread her wings
and said, "I am. I'm your guardian angel," with a twinkle in her eye. I
was speechless, sure I was seeing things.
She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself, my job
here is done."
Immediately I stood to my feet and said, "Wait, so why did no one stop
to help an angel?"
She looked at me and smiled, "You're the only one who could see me, and
you believe it in your heart." And She was gone. And with that my life
was changed dramatically. So, when you think
you're all you have, remember, your angel is always watching over you.
Pass this to everyone that means anything at all to you . . . make sure
you send it back to the person who sent it to you, to let them know
you're glad they care about you . . . like the story says we all need
someone.. :o)
"Guillotine"
Three men stood on the platform waiting their turn to be beheaded
by guillotine; a priest, lawyer and architect/engineer. The
priest was taken to the block first and when asked whether he
wanted to face up or down, he said he wanted to face up in order
to see God when the blade struck. He was placed on the block with
his face up as requested and the huge blade was dropped, but the
blade stopped an inch above his neck! The crowd gasped. It was
considered a sign of his innocence and he was freed.
The lawyer was then led to the block and asked the same question.
He said he wanted to face down to see where he was going when the
blade struck. He was placed on the block with his face down and
the huge blade was dropped, but again it stopped an inch above
his neck! The crowd gasped! As before, this was considered a sign
of his innocence and he was freed.
When the architect/engineer was led to the block and asked which
way he wanted to face he said he wanted to face up and so he was
placed on the block with his face up looking at the blade and
scaffolding holding it. Seconds before the blade dropped, he
turned his head toward the executioner and said "STOP! I think I
see what the problem is".
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party."
By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. In one neat pile is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle."
Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, were invited to a swanky
masked Halloween Party. His wife got a terrible headache
and told Al to go to the party alone. Al, being a devoted
husband, protested, but his wife argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there
was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So Al took his costume and away he went.
His wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour,
awakened without pain, and as it was still early,
she decided to go to the party. Since Al did
not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching Al to see how he acted when
she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted Al cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a
little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being
a rather seductive babe herself, Al left his partner
high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff
that had just arrived.
She let Al go as far as he wished; naturally, since
he was her husband. Finally Al whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away
and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation Al would make for
his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when Al came in and asked
what kind of a time he had. Al said, "Oh, the same
old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
Al replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Larry Flint, Janet Reno, and
some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But I'll tell you... I loaned my
costume to Bill and he told me he had a great time!"
Heaven Scent
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the
doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. Still
groggy from surgery, her husband David held her hand as they braced
themselves for the latest news. That afternoon of March 10, 1991,
complications had forced Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo
an emergency cesarean to deliver the couple's new daughter, Danae Lu
Blessing.
At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound and nine ounces, they
already knew she was perilously premature. Still, the doctor's soft
words dropped like bombs. "I don't think she's going to make it," he
said, as kindly as he could. "There's only a 10-percent chance she
will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance
she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one."
Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor
described the devastating problems Danae would likely face if she
survived. She would never walk. She would never talk. She would
probably be blind. She would certainly be prone to other
catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental
retardation. And on and on. "No ... No!" was all Diana could say.
She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long dreamed of
the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four. Now,
within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away.
Through the dark hours of morning as Danae held onto life by the
thinnest thread, Diana slipped in and out of drugged sleep, growing
more and more determined that their tiny daughter would live - and
live to be a healthy, happy young girl. But David, fully awake and
listening to additional dire details of their daughter's chances of
ever leaving the hospital alive, much less healthy, knew he must
confront his wife with the inevitable.
"David walked in and said that we needed to talk about making
funeral arrangements," Diana remembers. "I felt so bad for him
because he was doing everything, trying to include me in what was
going on, but I just wouldn't listen. I said, "No, that is not going
to happen, no way!
I don't care what the doctors say. Danae is not going to die! One
day she will be just fine, and she will be coming home with us!"
As if willed to live by Diana's determination, Danae clung to life
hour after hour, with the help of every medical machine and marvel
her miniature body could endure. But as those first days passed, new
agony set in for David and Diana. Because Danae's underdeveloped
nervous system was essentially "raw", the lightest kiss or caress
only intensified her discomfort - so they couldn't even cradle their
tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their
love. All they could do, as Danae struggled alone beneath the
ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that
God would stay close to their precious little girl.
There was never a moment when Danae suddenly grew stronger. But as
the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and
an ounce of strength there.
At last, when Danae turned two months old, her parents were able to
hold her in their arms for the very first time. And two months
later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her
chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were
next to zero.
Danae went home from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.
Today, five years later, Danae is a petite but feisty young girl
with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life. She
shows no signs, whatsoever, of any mental or physical impairments.
Simply, she is everything. a little girl can be and more - but that
happy ending is far from the end of her story.
One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in
Irving, Texas, Danae was sitting in her mother's lap in the
bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball
team was practicing. As always, Danae was chattering nonstop with
her mother and several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly
fell silent.
Hugging her arms across her chest, Danae asked, "Do you smell that?"
Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana
replied, "Yes, it smells like rain." Danae closed her eyes and again
asked, "Do you smell that?" Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I
think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain." Still caught in
the moment, Danae shook her head, patted her thin shoulders with her
small hands and loudly announced, "No, it smells like Him. It smells
like God when you lay your head on his chest." Tears blurred Diana's
eyes as Danae then happily hopped down to play with the other
children before the rains came. Her daughter's words confirmed what
Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known,
at least in their hearts, all along. During those long days and
nights of her first two months of her life when her nerves were too
sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Danae on his chest
- and it is His loving scent that she remembers so well.
Author Unknown
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive
woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do
with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto
the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and
they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They
ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met
the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time
telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to
leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the
elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St.
Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think
I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to
Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing
in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting
it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." -- Steven
Wright
This is a true story:
*** EVEN if you get a little lost, read to the end, which is very funny.
A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:
Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.
For Non-science majors, exothermic is when something releases heat and
endothermic is when something generates heat. Most of the students wrote
proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however,
wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do,
then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into
hell and at what rate are souls leaving" I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls
go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the
mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell,
then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Jennifer Smith during
Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic."
The student got an A
Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear
and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
I found that the subsequent food poisoning
enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath?
Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling
it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish
should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto!
The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey.
The following morning you can create the effects of hangover
by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid
and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
HENRY FORD AND GOD COMPARE NOTES
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your
invention --- the assembly line for the automobile --- changed
the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you
want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God,
"Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You hve some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the
result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It
may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry
Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding
my invention than yours."
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him
off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as
he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head
bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found
the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool
smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an
ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly
takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain
surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as
he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod
for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are
now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments,
you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you
lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks
at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have
been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to
have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what
you were thinking!
YOU MUST SEND THIS THIS TOO 5 PEOPLE AND YOUR
DEEPIEST DESIRES WILL COME TRUE, BUT IF YOU DONT------
----- YOU WILL LOSE SOMEONE YOU LOVE DEEPLY
YOU MUST SEND THIS THIS TOO 5 PEOPLE AND YOUR
DEEPEST DESIRES WILL COME TRUE, BUT IF YOU
DON'T----------- YOU WILL LOSE SOMEONE
YOU LOVE DEEPLY
NOW YOU MUST READ THIS ALL THE WAY
THRU BEFORE YOU STOP READING IT
EAST TO THE SEA,
WEST TO THE LAND,
DEATH TO THE IDIOT
THAT TOUCHES MY MAN.
My First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
(keep on reading)
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!
hehehe! You sicko. Now make a wish.
10
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:o) Now, send this chain letter to:
5 people-Your wish won't come true; but you will
have good luck for a year.
10 people-Your wish will come true in a year.
15 people-Your wish will come true in a month.
20 people-Your wish will come true in a week.
25 people-Your wish will come true tomorrow.
30 people-Your wish will come true within 2 hrs
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Duke University Medical Center is reporting an
unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department:
a child was born with both male and female organs.
A penis and a brain.
HILLBILLY LOVE POEM
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with it's stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Luv, from yor romeo
P.S. I think yore slicker'n deer guts on a door nob.
The Hippie and the busdriver
One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was
very crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He
was very attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly
beautiful. After getting his courage up,he finally said to the
nun "Will you have sex with me?"
The nun,disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she
got off. The man was very disappointed and he moved up to
the front of the bus to wait for his stop.
Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided
to help him out. He said to the young man, "I know that nun.
Every night, she goes tothe grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the
grave of her friend. If you go thereand pretend that you are
Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Just
tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with
you."
This gave the hippie great hope.That night, he went to the
graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun.As she kneeled
down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her,
dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun "I am
Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?" Now, of course the
nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed. "I just
have one request," said thenun, "it has to be anal sex, so I can
remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood." The disguised
hippie agreed and the two had sex.
When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny
to reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe,
revealing a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces.
"HA HA!! I'm not Jesus, I'm the hippie!" He exclaimed.
Much to the young man's surprise, the nun took off her habit,
revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled
"HA HA! I'm not thenun, I'm the bus driver!"
"Biggie Spears"~ Make My Boobies One More Size*(sing it to the tune of
"Baby One More Time")
Oh boobies boobies,
Oh boobies boobies,
Oh boobies boobies,
My chest was supposed to grow,
My cleavage wasn't right~yeah
Oh boobies boobies
My breasts are completely full,
And now my sweater's tight~yeah
Surgery,
I wanna be a size "D",
Bigger memories,
I want them to show now
Oh because
Chorus:
My chest flatness was killing me,
And I,
I must confess
I paid for these (paid for these)
I look 32 I'm just a child,
I am a crime,
Make my boobies one more size
Oh boobies boobies
I've got double D's it's true,
Now you've all been blinded
Oh pretty boobies
Your so big and oh so new
That's just the way I planned it
*Golly*
Rolling Stone was naughty,
See me baby barely wearing clothes now
Oh because
Chorus:
My chest flatness was killing me,
And I
I must confess
I paid for these (paid for these)
I look 32 I'm just a child,
I am a crime,
Make my boobies one more size
True Story right from the Associated Press:
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she
went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of
her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked
her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for
over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car
because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove
her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find
out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains.
She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to
hold her brains in for over an hour-until someone noticed and
came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde
HOLIDAY DIET TIPS
If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
When eating with someone else,
calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories.
This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy,
Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage
causes calorie leakage.
If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet
and get walked off.
Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
She writes:
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I
saw a "Honk if you REALLY love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm
really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was
stopped at the light of a busy intersection... just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who
love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned
out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he
could. Why, it was like a football game with him shoutin, "Go,
Jesus Christ, Go!" In a clear, ringing voice, somebody behind
him yelled: "Move along for Christ's sake!!" Then everyone
else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and
waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have
been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving
in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They
kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me
that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of
the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet
they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had
changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did,
because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I
looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window,
gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck
sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful
folks!
Love ya all, Grandma
WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN???
(HOROSCOPES FOR SOUTHERNERS)
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs haven't served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers.
THE NEW SIGNS
Okra
Dec. 22-Jan. 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
Chitlin
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
Boll Weevil -
Feb. 20-March 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
Moon Pie -
March 21-April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
Possum
April 21-May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
Crawfish -
May 22-June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically.
Collards -
June 22-July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
Catfish -
July 24-Aug. 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
Grits -
Aug. 24-Sept. 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
Boiled Peanuts -
Sept. 24-Oct. 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
Butter Bean -
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
Armadillo -
Nov. 23-Dec. 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each
afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was
next to the room's only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives
and families,their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the
military service, where they had been on vacation. And every
afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit
up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all
the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour
periods where his would be broadened and enlivened by all
the activity and color of the world outside. The window
overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played
on the water while children sailed their model boats.Young
lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the
rainbow.Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view
of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite
detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his
eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon
the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man couldn't hear the band he could see it
in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it
with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to
bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the
man by the window,who had died peacefully in his sleep. She
was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the
body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man
asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse
was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was
comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take
his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the
joy of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look
out the window beside the bed.
It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his
deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things
outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was
blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he
just wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue...There is tremendous happiness in making others
happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the
sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to
feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't
buy.
The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to
everyone who passes it on. Do not keep this letter. Do not
send money.
Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good
luck. You will see that something good happens to you four
days from now.
Hot Tub Tips For Women
1- It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh yes baby!"
2- Washing your partners back is sexy. Washing your pantyhose is not!
3- Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don'tspoil things by making snide remarks like "I've seen bigger wangs on Hamsters"
4- It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing. It's not OK to pass gas.
5- Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine!
How Do I Love Thee - West Indian Style
Let me count the ways ....
You are the essence in my mauby
De fish in my fishcakes
I love you love you dearly
You are the lard-oil in my bakes.
You are the coconut in my sweetbread
De pigtail in my rice
Just like piece of curry goat head
I will love you till I dead.
You are the sardine in my gravy
The dumplings in my soup
I love you more than gambling
Yes I love you bad fah true
Like banana leaf around my conkie
I'll be always close to you
Sweet like sugar in your green tea
I'll do anything for you.
You are the sauce around my Cou Cou
Hot like sweetbread when it done
In my arms I love to hold you
Just like a glass a rum
I will stick to you like dandruff
Like the corns upon your toes
Like the fat around your belly
I'll be everywhere you go.
Cause you are my black pudding
And I know I am your souse
When you call I will coming running
Like when a boar cat see a mouse
Oh my pepper on my pork chop
Sweet like sorrel when it mix
When my hands caress your body
You feel just like a couple-six
You are sweeter than a snowcone
I will give you all I own
You are sweeter than a hambone
Soft and sweet like piece'o'pone
No one can take me from you
Not in this life or death
Gyal I love you bad fuh chu
IS YUH MUDDA ME CYAAR TEK!
How Far Does the Computer Date Back?
In the Beginning
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said:
%Create the heaven and earth!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#User God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Create the heaven and earth!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create earth
#Done
%Run earth
#And God created the heavens and earth and they were dark. And God saw
there were 0 errors.
%Let there be light!
#Too many perameters. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run light
#And thus there was Day and Night
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run dry_land
#And God created dry land. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the lights in the heavens. And God saw there were 0
errors.
%Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit
tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the
earth.
#Error unmatched 'grass'
%Create grass_herbs_fruit
#Done
%Run grass_herbs_fruit
#And God brought forth grass and herb yielding seed and the trees
yielding fruit. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create cattle
#Done
%Create creepy_things
#Done
%Run cattle, creepy_things
#And God created cattle to graze over the land and creepy crawly things
to fly about the night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create man
#Done
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%Insert breath
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#Directory Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Create Garden.edn\
#Done
%Move man Garden.edn\
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%Copy Garden.edn\man Garden.edn\woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%Create desire
#Done
%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create freewill
#Done
%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create good, evil
#Done
%Run evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn\
1 errors.
%Grep Garden.edn\ 'man' 'woman'
#Search failed.
%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm [n].
%yes
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8
AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB
AT.......
Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to
call daddy to pay the bill
Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the
electrician
Brown: Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten
to share the experience
Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity
Cornell: Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack
under the pressure
Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it
Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the lightbulb, fifty
to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a
counter protest
Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark
Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves
around him
MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never
needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston
using that nuked lightbulb two to install it, and one to write the
computer program that controls the wall switch
Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its
sexual orientation
Middlebury: Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to
find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion
Stanford: One, dude
Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how
to get high off the old one
Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress
about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the
American U. students
Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough
to get the bulb out of the socket
Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in,
there's nothing else to do
Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say
loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student
Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to
do an interpretive dance about it
Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to
do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from
too much stress
Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to
check his math homework
Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know,
military-industrial complex and all that
Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one
to complain about how if they were at a better school the
lightbulb wouldn't go out
Virginia: Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote
on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor
Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's
standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.
Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and
buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school,
and one to screw it in
Boston College: Seven--one to change the light
bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside
down this time
Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know
about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for
changing their lightbulbs
HOW MUCH DOES PRAYER WEIGH?
Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on
her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner
of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let
her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband
was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and
they needed food.
John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that
she leave his store. Visualizing the family needs, she said:
'Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can."
John told her he could not give her credit, as she did not have a
charge account at his store.
Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the
conversation between the two. The customer walked forward
and told the grocerman that he would stand good for whatever
she needed for her family.
The grocerman said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a
list? Louise replied "Yes sir" "O.K." he said, "put your grocery
list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will
give you that amount in groceries."
Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached
into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled
something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale
carefully with her head still bowed. The eyes of the grocerman
and the customer showed amazement when the scales went
down and stayed down. The grocerman staring at the scales,
turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't
believe it."
The customer smiled and the grocerman started putting the
groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not
balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them
until the scales wouldhold no more. The grocerman stood there
in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the
scales and looked at it with greater amazement. It was not a
grocery list, it was a prayer which said: "Dear Lord, you know
my needs and I am leaving this in your hands."
The grocerman gave her the groceries that he had gathered and
placed on the scales and stood in stunned silence. Louise
thanked him and left the store. The customer handed a fifty-
dollar bill to John as he said, "It was worth every penny of it." It
was sometime later that John Longhouse discovered the scales
were broken; therefore, only God knows how much a prayer
weighs.
POWER OF PRAYER
When you receive this, say a prayer. That's all you have to do.
Just stop right now, and say a prayer for the one who sent this to
you. There is nothing attached. This is powerful. Then send this
to four people. Don't break this, please. Prayer is one of the best
free gifts we receive.
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia,
when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half
dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel
room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass
was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get
the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and
said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
* HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX ***
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen cum twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it in the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
Zoologists do it with animals
*** Send this to as many people as you can, and you'll have great sex
for the rest of your life. Send nothing and you'll have either no sex
or really bad sex (probably really bad). This must be sent within one
hour you recieved it!
How To Impress a Woman:
Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Tease her
Comfort her
Hug her
Send her flowers
Wine and dine her
Listen to her
Care for her
Hold her
Support her
How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked..... with beer.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point
a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom.
(Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join
you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to
espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights
up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation.
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does.
(This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite
gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies
24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!"
"3rd time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me,
its the voices in your head that do"
29) Tell your children over dinner.
"Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"
30) Everytime you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"
**And the Final way to annoy People**
...... Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book,
even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send it back.
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line. Such as, "I got a good
woman ------- with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of:
I got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays
a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. a weekend in the Hamptons
12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless
you happen to be an old black man.
13. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
YES, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia.
b. you're blind.
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
NO, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf.
c. you have a trust fund.
14. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand have the right to
sing the blues.
15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is
the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an
emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a
liposuction treatment.
17. Acceptable Blues names:
For WOMEN
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
For MEN
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Big Willie
d. Little Willie
e. Lightning
17A. Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted
to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17B. Other acceptable Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.
Subject: Fraud Warning
Date: Sunday, January 17, 1999 11:01 PM
WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY!
THIS IS SERIOUS!
If you get an envelope from a company called the
Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time
every year. Their letter claims that you owe
them money, which they will take and use to pay
for the operation of essential functions of the
United States government. This is untrue! The
money the IRS collects is used to fund various
inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.
This organization has ties to another shady outfit
called the Social Security Administration, who
claim to take money from your regular
paychecks and save it for your retirement. In
truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the
same misguided make-work projects the IRS
helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working
Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Hey, I am not a lumberjack or a fur trader.
I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber or own a dog sled. And I don't know Jimmy, Sally, or Suzy from Canada (although I'm certain they're really, really nice.)
I have a prime minister not a president.
I speak English and French, not American, and I pronounce it "about" not "aboot."
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peacekeeping, not policing, diversity, not assimilation, and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch and it is pronounced "zed" not "zee"- "zed."
Canada's the second largest land mass, the first nation of hockey and the best part of North America! My name is Joe and I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!!! Thank you.
I Love that commercial and I am proud that I am Canadian, aren't you? I AM CANADIAN! Show that you are Canadian by signing your name here and passing it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I LOVE YOU" in:
Afrikaans : Ek is lief vir jou
: Ek het jou lief
Albanian : Te dua
: Te dashuroj
: Ti je zemra ime
Alentejano : Gosto de ti, porra!
Alsacien (Elsass) : Ich hoan dich gear
Amharic (Aethio.) : Afekrishalehou
: Afekrischalehou
American Sign Language : __ (signed with right hand)
: __ ( )
: ( ) |__|
: |__| __ __ | |
: | |( )( )|__| __
: |__||__||__|| | / )
: | (__)(__) | / /
: | |/ /
: | / /
: \ /
Apache : Sheth she~n zho~n (nasalized vowels like
French, '~n' as in French
'salon')
Arabic (formal) : Ohiboke (male to female)
: Ohiboki (male to female)
: Ohibokoma (male or female to two males
or two females)
: Nohiboke (more than one male or females
to female)
: Nohiboka (male to male or female to male)
: Nohibokoma (male to male or female to two
males or two females)
: Nohibokom (male to male or female to more
than two males)
: Nohibokon (male to male or female to more
than two females)
Arabic (proper) : Ooheboki (male to female)
: Ooheboka (female to male)
Arabic : Ana behibak (female to male)
: Ana behibek (male to female)
: Ahebich (male to female)
: Ahebik (female to male)
: Ana ahebik
: Ib'n hebbak
: Ana ba-heb-bak
: Bahibak (female to male)
: Bahibik (male to female)
: Benhibak (more than one male or female to male)
: Benhibik (male to male or female to female)
: Benhibkom (male to male or female to more
than one male)
: Nhebuk (spoken to someone of importance)
Arabic (Umggs.) : Ana hebbek
Armenian : Yes kez si'rumem
Assamese : Moi tomak bhal pau
Bangladeschi : Ami tomake walobashi
Basque : Nere maitea
Bassa : Mengweswe
Batak : Holong rohangku di ho
Bemba : Ndikufuna
Bengali : Aami tomaake bhaalo baashi
: Ami tomay bhalobashi
: Ami tomake bahlobashi
Berber : Lakh tirikh
Bicol : Namumutan ta ka
Bolivian Quechua : Qanta munani
Bosnian : Volim te
Braille : :..:| ..:| |..-.. .::":.., :.:;
Brazilian/Portuguese : Eu te amo (pronounced 'eiu chee amu')
: Amo te
Bulgarian : Obicham te
: As te obeicham
: As te obicham
: Obozhavam te ("I love you very much")
Burmese : Chit pa de
Cambodian : Kh_nhaum soro_lahn nhee_ah
: Bon sro lanh oon
Canadian French : Sh'teme (spoken, sounds like this)
: Je t'aime ("I like you")
: Je t'adore ("I love you")
Catalan : T'estimo (Catalonian)
: T'estim (Mallorcan)
: T'estime (Valencian)
: T'estim molt ("I love you a lot")
Cebuano : Gihigugma ko ikaw
Chamoru (or Chamorro) : Hu guaiya hao
Cheyenne : Ne mohotatse
Chichewa : Ndimakukonda
Chickasaw : Chiholloli (first 'i' nasalized)
Chinese : Goa ai li (Amoy)
: Ngo oi ney (Cantonese)
: Wo oi ney ( " )
: Ngai oi gnee (Hakka)
: Ngai on ni ( " )
: Wa ai lu (Hokkien)
: Wo ai ni (Mandarin)
: Wo ie ni ( " )
: Wuo ai nee ( " )
: Wo ay ni ( " )
: Wo ai ni (Putunghua)
: Ngo ai nong (Wu)
Corsican : Ti tengu cara (male to female)
: Ti tengu caru (female to male)
Creol : Mi aime jou
Croatian (familiar) : Ja te volim (used in proper speech)
: Volim te (used in common speech)
Croatian (formal) : Ja vas volim (used in proper speech)
: Volim vas (used in common speech)
: Ljubim te (in todays useage, "I kiss you",
'lj' pronounced like 'll' in
Spanish, one sound, 'ly'ish)
Croatian (old) : Ljubim te (may still be found in poetry)
Czech : Miluji te (a downwards pointing arrowhead
on top of the 'e' in te)
: Miluju te! (colloquial form)
: Ma'm te (velmi) ra'd (male speaker, "I like
you (very much)", often
used and prefered)
: Ma'm te (velmi) ra'da (female speaker)
Danish : Jeg elsker dig
Dusun : Siuhang oku dia
Dutch : Ik hou van je
: Ik hou van jou
: Ik bemin je (old fashioned)
: Ik bemin jou ( " )
: Ik heb je lief ( " )
: Ik ben verliefd op je ("I am in love with you")
: Ik ben verliefd op jou ( " )
: Ik houd erg veel van jou ("I love you very
: Ik houd erg veel van je much")
: Ik vind je leuk ("I like you")
: Ik vind je aardig ( " )
: Ik vind je heel erg leuk ("I like you very
: Ik vind je heel aardig much")
: Ik mag jou wel ("I like you")
: Ik mag jou heel graag ("I like you very much")
(the last two are more superficial, thus more
suitable for male to male)
Ecuador Quechua : Canda munani
English : I love you
: I adore you
: I love thee (used only in Christian context)
Esperanto : Mi amas vin
Estonian : Mina armastan sind
: Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian : Afgreki'
Farsi (old) : Tora dust mi daram
Farsi : Tora dost daram ("I love you")
: Asheghetam
: Doostat daram ("I'm in love with you")
: Man asheghetam ("I'm in love with you")
Filipino : Mahal kita
: Iniibig kita
Finnish (formal) : Mina" rakastan sinua
: Rakastan sinua
: Mina" pida"n sinusta ("I like you")
Finnish : (Ma") rakastan sua
: (Ma") tykka"a"n susta ("I like you")
French : Je t'aime ("I love you")
: Je t'adore ("I love you", stronger meaning
between lovers)
: J' t'aime bien ("I like you", meant for friends
and family, not for lovers)
French (formal) : Je vous aime
Gaelic : Ta gra agam ort
: Moo graugh hoo
Ghanaian : Me dor wo
German (formal) : Ich liebe Sie (rarely used)
German : Ich liebe dich
: Ich hab dich lieb (not so classic and
conservative)
German dialects:
Bavarian (Bayrisch) : I moag di gern
(Bavaria/Bayern) : I mog di (right answer: "I di a")
: I lieb di
Berlin dialect : Ick liebe dir (Old, very old)
(Berlinerisch) : Ick liebe Dich
Berner-Deutsch : Ig liebe di
Bochumer : Ich lieb Dich!
Franconian (Fra"nkisch): Du gfa"llsd mer fai
(Franconia/Franken) : Bisd scho mai gouds freggerla (already in a
relationship)
: Mid dier ma"cherd ich a amol (sexually touched,
ment as a compliment, not litterally)
(the above 3 entries really mean "I like you",
a Franke would never say "I love you")
Friesian (Friesisch) : Ik hou fan dei (sp?)
: Ik hald fan dei
Hessian (Hessisch) : Isch habb disch libb
Saarla"ndisch : Isch hann disch lieb
Saxon (Sa"chsisch) : Isch liebdsch
Swabian (Schwa"bisch) : ( ? )
Swiss German : Ch'ha di ga"rn
(Schweizerdeutsch)
Vorarlberg dialect : I stand total uf di
(Vorarlbergerisch)
Greek : S'ayapo (spoken "s'agapo", 3rd letter is lower
case 'gamma')
: Eime eroteumenos mazi sou ("I'm in love with)
: Eime eroteumenos me 'sena(you", male to female)
: Eime eroteumeni mazi sou ("I'm in love with)
: Eime eroteumeni me 'sena (you", female to male)
: Se latrevo ("I adore you")
: Se thelo ("I want you", denotes sexual desire)
Greek (Arhea/Ancient) : Philo se
Greenlandic : Asavakit
Gronings : Ik hol van die
Guarani' : Rohiyu (ro-hai'-hyu)
Gujrati : Hoon tane pyar karoochhoon.
: Hoon tuney chaoon chhoon ('n' is nasal, not
pronounced)
Hausa : Ina sonki
Hawaiian : Aloha wau ia oi
: Aloha wau ia oi nui loa ("I love you
very much")
Hebrew : Anee ohev otakh (male to female)
: Anee ohevet otkha (female to male)
: Anee ohev otkha (male to male)
: Anee ohevet otakh (female to female)
('kh' pronounced like
Spanish 'j', Dutch 'g', or similiar to
French 'r')
Hindi : Mai tumase pyar karata hun (male to female)
: Mai tumase pyar karati hun (female to male)
: Mai tumse pyar karta hoon
: Mai tumse peyar karta hnu
: Mai tumse pyar karta hoo
: Mai tujhe pyaar kartha hoo
: Mae tumko peyar kia
: Main tumse pyar karta hoon
: Main tumse prem karta hoon
: Main tuze pyar karta hoon ('n' is nasal, not
pronounced)
Hopi : Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian : Szeretlek
: Te'gedet szeretlek ("It's you I love and
no one else")
: Szeretlek te'ged ("It's you I love, you know,
you", a reinforcement)
(The above two entries are never heard in
a normal context.)
Icelandic : Eg elska thig (pronounced 'yeg l-ska thig')
Ilocano : Ay ayating ka
Indonesian : Saya cinta padamu ('Saya', commonly used)
: Saya cinta kamu ( " )
: Saya kasih saudari ( " )
: Saja kasih saudari ( " )
: Aku tjinta padamu ('Aku', not often used)
: Aku cinta padamu ( " )
: Aku cinta kamu ( " )
Italian : Ti amo (relationship/lover/spouse)
: Ti voglio bene (between friends)
: Ti voglio (strong sexual meaning, "I want
you", refering to other person's
body)
Irish : Taim i' ngra leat
Irish/Gaelic : t'a gr'a agam dhuit
Japanese : Kimi o ai shiteru
: Aishiteru
: Chuu shiteyo
: Ora omee no koto ga suki da
: Ore wa omae ga suki da
: Suitonnen
: Sukiyanen
: Sukiyo
: Watashi wa anata ga suki desu
: Watashi wa anata wo aishithe imasu
: Watashi wa anata o aishitemasu
: A-i-shi-te ma-su
: Watakushi-wa anata-wo ai shimasu
: Suki desu (used at the first time, like for a
start, when you are not yet real lovers)
Javanese : Kulo tresno
Kannada : Naanu ninnanu preethisuthene
: Naanu ninnanu mohisuthene
Kikongo : Mono ke zola nge (mono ke' zola nge')
Kiswahili : Nakupenda
: Nakupenda wewe
: Nakupenda malaika ("I love you, (my) angel")
Klingon : bangwI' SoH ("You are my beloved")
: qamuSHa' ("I love you")
: qamuSHa'qu' ("I love you very much")
: qaparHa' ("I like you")
: qaparHa'qu' ("I like you very much!")
(words are often unnecessary as the thought
is most often conveyed nonverbally with
special growlings)
Korean : Dangsinul saranghee yo
: Saranghee
: Nanun dangsineul joahapnida ("I like you")
: Nanun dangsineul mucheog joahapnida ("I like
very much")
: Nanun dangsineul saranghapnida
: Nanun dangsineul mucheog saranghapnida ("I love
you very much")
: Nanun gdaega joa
: Nanun gdaereul saranghapnida
: Nanun neoreul saranghanda
: Joahaeyo
: Saranghaeyo (more formal)
: Saranghapanida (more respectful)
: Norul sarang hae
: Tangshini choayo
Kpele : I walikana
Kurdish : Ez te hezdikhem
Lao : Khoi hak jao
: Khoi mak jao lai ("I love you very much")
: Khoi hak jao lai ("I like you very much")
: Khoi mak jao (This means "I prefer you",
but is used for "I love you".)
Latin : Te amo
: Vos amo
Latin (old) : (Ego) Amo te ('Ego', for emphasis)
Latvian : Es tevi milu (pronounced 'es tevy meelu')
('i in 'milu' has a line over it,
a 'long i')
: Es milu tevi (less common)
Lebanese : Bahibak
Lingala : Nalingi yo
Lisbon lingo : Gramo-te bue', chavalinha!
Lithuanian : Tave myliu (Ta-ve mee-lyu)
: Ash mir lutavah
Lojban : Mi do prami
Luo : Aheri
Luxembourgish : Ech hun dech ga"r
Maa : Ilolenge
Macedonian : Te sakam (a little stronger than "I like you")
: Te ljubam ("I really love you")
: Jas te sakam ('j' sounds like 'y' in May)
: Pozdrav ("Greetings")
Madrid lingo : Me molas, Tronca!
Maiese : Wa wa
Malay/Indonesian : Saya cintakan kamu (grammatically correct)
: Saya cinta akan kamu(expanded version of above)
: Saya sayangkan kamu (grammatically correct)
: Saya sayang akan kamu (expanded version)
: Aku cinta pada mu (most direct translation)
: Saya cintakan awak
: Aku cinta pada kau
: Saya cinta pada mu (best, most commonly used)
: Saya sayangkan engkau ('engkau' often shortened
to 'kau', 'engkau' is informal form and should
only be used if you know the person _really_
well)
: Saya sayang pada mu
: Aku sayangkan engkau
: Saya sayang pada mu
: Aku menyintai mu
: Aku menyayangi mu
: Aku kasih pada mu
: Aku jatuh cinta padabot
Malayalam : Ngan ninne snaehikkunnu
: Njyaan ninne' preetikyunnu
: Njyaan ninne' mohikyunnu
Marathi : Mi tuzya var prem karato
: Me tujhashi prem karto (male to female)
: Me tujhashi prem karte (female to male)
Mohawk : Konoronhkwa
Moroccan : Kanbhik (both mean the same, but spoken)
: Kanhebek (in different cities)
Navaho : Ayor anosh'ni
Ndebele : Niyakutanda
Norwegian : Jeg elsker deg (Bokmaal)
: Eg elskar deg (Nynorsk)
: Jeg elsker deg (Riksmaal: outdated, formerly
used by upper-class and
conservative people)
Nyanja : Ninatemba
Op : Op lopveop yopuop
Osetian : Aez dae warzyn
Pakistani : Mujhe tumse muhabbat hai
: Muje se mu habbat hai
Papiamento : Mi ta stima'bo
Pig Latin : Ie ovele ouye
Phillipino : Mahal kita
: Iniibig kita
Polish : Kocham cie
: Kocham ciebie
: Ja cie kocham
: Yacha kocham
Portuguese/Brazilian : Eu te amo (pronounced 'eiu chee amu')
: Amo te
Pulaar : Mbe de yid ma (mbe: d: yidh ma)
(Pronounced as two words,
"Meb deyidma". 'b' and second
'd' have bars through the stems
indicating affrication, the ':'
indicate minute pauses)
Punjabi : Main tainu pyar karna
: Mai taunu pyar karda
Quenya : Tye-mela'ne
Raetoromanisch : Te amo
Romanian : Te iubesc
: Te ador (stronger)
Russian : Ya vas lyublyu (old fashioned)
: Ya tyebya lyublyu (best)
: Ya lyublyu vas (old fashioned)
: Ya lyublyu tyebya
Samoan : Ou te alofa outou
: Talo'fa ia te oe
Sanskrit : Anurag (a higher love, like the love of music
or art)
Scot-Gaelic : Tha gradh agam ort
Serbian (formal) : Ja vas volim (used in proper speech)
: Volim vas (used in common speech)
: Ljubim te (in todays useage, "I kiss you",
'lj' pronounced like 'll' in
Spanish, one sound, 'ly'ish)
Serbian (familiar) : Ja te volim (used in proper speech)
: Volim te (used in common speech)
Serbian (old) : Ljubim te (may still be found in poetry)
Serbocroatian : Volim te
: Ljubim te
: Ja te volim ('j' sounds like 'y' in May)
Shona : Ndinokuda
Singhalese : Mama oyaata aadareyi
: Mama oyata adarei
Sioux : Techihhila
Slovak : Lubim ta
Slovene : Ljubim te
Spanish : Te amo
: Te quiero
: Te adoro ("I adore you")
: Te deseo ("I desire you")
: Me antojis ("I crave you")
Srilankan : Mama oyata arderyi
Swahili : Nakupenda
: Naku penda (followed by the person's name)
: Ninikupenda
: Dholu'o
Swedish : Jag a"lskar dig
Syrian/Lebanese : Bhebbek (male to female)
: Bhebbak (female to male)
Tagalog : Mahal kita
Tahitian : Ua here au ia oe
: Ua here vau ia oe
Tamil : Naan unnai kadalikiren
: Nan unnai kathalikaren
: Ni yaanai kaadli karen ("You love me")
: N^an unnaki kathalikkinren ("I love you")
: Nam vi'rmberem
Telugu : Ninnu premistunnanu
: Neenu ninnu pra'mistu'nnanu
: Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai (formal) : Phom rak khun (male to female)
: Ch'an rak khun (female to male)
Thai : Khao raak thoe (affectionate, sweet, loving)
Tswana : Dumela
Tunisian : Ha eh bak
Turkish (formal) : Sizi seviyorum
Turkish : Seni seviyorum
: Seni begeniyorum ("I adore you")
(g has a bar on it)
Twi : Me dowapaa
Ukrainian : Ya tebe kokhayu
: Ja tebe kokhaju (real true love)
: Ja vas kokhaju
: Ja pokokhav tebe
: Ja pokokhav vas
Urdu : Main tumse muhabbat karta hoon
: Mujhe tumse mohabbat hai
: Mujge tumae mahabbat hai
: Kam prem kartahai
Vai : Na lia
Vietnamese : Anh ye^u em (male to female)
: Em ye^u anh (female to male)
: Toi yeu em
Vulcan : Wani ra yana ro aisha
Welsh : Rwy'n dy garu di
: Yr wyf i yn dy garu di (chwi)
Wolof : Da ma la nope
: Da ma la nop (da ma'lanop)
Yiddish : Ikh hob dikh lib
: Ich libe dich
: Ich han dich lib
Yucatec Maya : 'in k'aatech (the love of lovers)
: 'in yabitmech (the love of family, which
lovers can also feel; it
indicates more a desire to
spoil and protect the other
person)
Yugoslavian : Ja te volim
Zazi : Ezhele hezdege (sp?)
Zulu : Mena tanda wena
: Ngiyakuthanda!
Zuni : Tom ho' ichema
Explanation of Languages
------------------------
Afrikaans -> spoken by people of Dutch heritage in South Africa
Alentejano -> language spoken in Portugal
Alsacien -> French/German dialect (live in France, but speak
like Germans)
Apache -> North American Indian Nation rangeing from the plains
states to the eastern Rocky Mountains and from the
Canadian to Mexican borders
Arabic -> language spoken in the Arab countries including
but not limited to Bahrain, Egypt, Iraq, Jordan,
Kuwait, Libya, Morocco, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, and
the region of Palestine.
Assamese -> language spoken in the state of Assam, India
Bassa -> language spoken in Africa
Batak -> language spoken in the northern Sumatra province of
Indonesia
Bavarian -> language spoken in the state of Bavaria, southern
Germany (actually a German dialect)
Bemba -> language spoken in Africa
Bengali -> language spoken in the state of West Bengal, India,
as well as almost all people of Bangladesh
Bicol -> Philipino dialect
Braille -> The alphabet represented by patterns of raised dots.
It is 'read' by touch.
Cebuano -> language spoken in Philipines near the town of Cebu
Cheyenne -> North American Indian tribe, part of the Apache
Nation
Chichewa -> language spoken in Malawi, Central Africa
Chickasaw -> North American Indian tribe (southeastern Oklahoma)
Creol -> French dialect spoken by people who migrated from
Canada to the Louisiana, USA, area
Dusun -> language spoken by the Dusun tribe, one of the largest
in North Borneo
Dutch -> language spoken in the Netherlands and the provinces
of East- and West-Flanders, Antwerp, Limburg, and
Flemmish-Brabant, Belgium
Esperanto -> The International Language
Farsi -> language spoken in Iran. Dialects of Farsi spoken in
Pakistan and Afghanestan. Farsi is sometimes called
Persian.
Franconian -> German dialect spoken by the citizens of Franken or
Franconia which is part of Bavaria in the area
around Nuremberg
French -> language spoken in France, Canada, and the provinces
of Luxembourg, Namur, Liege, Hainault, and Brabant-
Walloon(Brabant of the Walloons), Belgium
Friesian -> language spoken in northern Holland, northern
Germany, and in some parts of Denmark
(mainly west coast)
Gaelic -> language spoken in Ireland
Gronings -> Dutch dialect
Guarani' -> one of the two official languages in Paraguay
Gujrati -> language spoken in the state of Gujrat, India, and
Pakistan
Hakka -> Chinese dialect from Manchuria
Hausa -> language spoken in Nigeria
Hindi -> language spoken in the northern states of India
Hopi -> North American Indian tribe (southwest, Arizona)
Ilocano -> Filopino dialect
Kannada -> language spoken in the state of Karnataka,
southern India
Kikongo -> language spoken in Zaire, Africa
Klingon -> Spoken in Star Trek. Proper term for the language
is "tlhIngan Hol". The Klingon homeworld is
Qo'noS, in English it's Kronos.
Kpele -> language spoken in Africa
Lao -> language spoken in Laos and by the Laotian people
living in northern Thailand
Luo -> language spoken in Kenya
Luxembourgish -> language spoken in Luxembourg and in the border areas
in Belgium (Arlon), France (Thionville), and Germany.
A mixture of French and German, with the emphasis on
German.
Maa -> language spoken in Africa
Malayalam -> language spoken in the state of Kerala, India
Marathi -> language spoken in the state of Maharastra, India
(Bombay is the capital city)
Mohawk -> North American Indian tribe (New England, maybe one of
the Seven Nations/Iriquois?)
Moroccan -> language spoken in Morocco, North Africa
Navaho -> North American Indian tribe (southwest)
Ndebele -> language spoken in Zimbabwe
Nyanja -> language spoken in Africa
Papiamento -> language spoken on the island of Aruba
Pulaar -> dialect spoken in Senegal by the Fulani people
Punjabi -> language spoken in the state of Punjab, northern India
Quechua -> language spoken by Incan Indians (South America)
Quenya -> Elvish language invented by J. R. R. Tolkien for his
books. Notably, "The Lord of the Rings".
Shona -> language spoken in Zimbabwe
Singhalese -> Language of the non-Tamil (majority) people of
Sri Lanka. Also spoken in Ceylon.
Sioux -> North American Indian tribe (upper midwest)
Swahili -> language spoken by some indigenous tribes of East
Africa
Tagalog -> Philipino dialect
Tamil -> language spoken in the state of Tamil Nadu, India,
and in Sri Lanka, Singapore, Malaysia, Mauritus
Telugu -> language spoken in the state of Andhra Pradesh, India
(eleventh most spoken language in the world)
Tswana -> language spoken in Africa
Twi -> language spoken in Africa
Urdu -> language spoken in Pakistan and India
Vai -> language spoken in Africa
Vulcan -> Spoken in Star Trek by Mr. Spock and others from
the planet Vulcan
Walloon -> literally Welsh(not English Welsh), a little used
French dialect with certain German influences
spoken in the provinces of Luxembourg, Namur,
Liege, Hainault, and Brabant-Walloon(Brabant of
the Walloons), Belgium
Wolof -> dialect spoken in Senegal by the Wolof people
Yucatec Maya -> language spoken by indigenous people of the Yucatan
peninsula in Mexico
Zazi -> Kurdic dialect
Zuni -> North American Indian tribe
a' -> 'a' with the acute accent (') over it (ASCII code 160)
a" -> 'a' with two dots (Umlaut) (ASCII code 132)
e^ -> ^ above e
e' -> 'e' with the acute accent (') over it (ASCII code 130)
=======================================================
(no guarantee for correctness though....)
Something extra:
Chinese:
,g Qb ,g ,g Qg Qg
oQQQQ" QQ YQ .odQQQQQQQQQP" QQ' QQ'
QQ QQ " QQ QQ QQ QQ' QQQQQQQQb
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ dQQQQQQQQQQQQQQb QQQ QQ oo QQ
QQ QQ QQ QQ QQ Q'QQ Q' QQ P'
QQ,o QQ o9, QQQQQQQQQQQQ QQ Q QQ
QQP QQ,QP QQ QQ oQ QQ g
,QQQ QQQ' QQQQQQQQb QQ Q' QQ `Q,
dQ'QQ gQQ QQ gg ,QQ' QQ ,P QQ Qb
Q' QQ oP QQ, dQ' `gQQ' QQ Q QQ `P
QQ `QQ g oQ' ggQQb, QQ f QQ
dQ' `b' oQ oP' "YQao QQ dQ' Dave Chin
Hindu: (Om Shanti, Symbol of Peace and Love and Oneness)
** **
******* ******* * ** *
*********** *********** *** ***
**** ***** ***** ***** ********
***** ***** **** ***** ****
***** ***** ***** Ashesh Majumdar
*** ***** ***** ***
* ***** ******* ********
***** ******************** *
***** *********** ***** **
***** ***** ***** ***
***** ***** ***** ****
***** ***** ***** *****
***** ***** ***************
************* ***********
******** *****
I'VE LEARNED
I love the rain........
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing
"Silent Night." Age 6
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass
of milk. Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than
words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
great pleasures. Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
followed me there. Age 29
I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me,
I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as
making a life. Age 58
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work,
meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will
find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually
make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell
the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands,
a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
Please pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they
just need a little something to make them smile....
IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the
receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids
periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer
were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross
there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker
of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?"
Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up
and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more
often."
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like
deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her
system would not turn on.
Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally
locked in it. We went to the service department and found a
mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
The Methodist Sequence
(Just add "In Bed!" to the end of each of these hymns)
I'll Praise My Maker While I've Breath...
Men and Children Everywhere...
Open Now Thy Gates of Beauty...
How Great Thou Art...
Holy, Holy, Holy! Lord God Almighty...
Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee...
Let All on Earth Their Voices Raise...
How Firm a Foundation...
How Are Thy Servants Blest, O Lord...
How Gentle God's Commands...
Unto the Hills I Lift Mine Eyes...
We Gather Together...
The Lord's My Shepherd, I'll Not Want...
How Beauteous Were the Marks...
How Sweet the Name of Jesus Sounds...
Jesus, the Very Thought of Thee...
Shepherd of Eager Youth...
Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing...
Blow Ye the Trumpet, Blow...
O Jesus, Thou Art Standing...
Father, I Stretch My Hands to Thee...
O For a Faith that Will Not Shrink...
Have Thine Own Way, Lord...
I've Found a Friend...
Lord Jesus, I Love Thee...
Make Me a Captive, Lord...
God Send Us Men...
'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus...
God Moves in a Mysterious Way...
O How Happy Are They...
Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus...
What a Friend We have in Jesus...
I Need Thee Every Hour...
Master Speak! Thy Servant Heareth...
O Love Divine, How Sweet Thou Art...
Servant of God, Well Done...
Blest Be the Tie That Binds...
How Happy Are Thy Servants, Lord...
The King Shall Come...
O Come, O Come, Emmanuel...
It Came Upon the Midnight Clear...
O Love Divine, What Hast Thou Done...
What Wondrous Love Is This...
See How Great a Flame Aspires...
The Lord Will Come and Not Be Slow...
O God, Thou Giver of All Good...
Happy the Home When God Is There...
Blessed Is the Man...
The Lord Is Good...
Thou Art My God...
God Is Good...
Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad...
With Shouts of Joy...
Great Is the Lord...
O Lord, Thou Art Great...
God Himself Is With Us...
Come, Let Us Sweetly Join...
and my favorite... (which is Catholic, so shoot me)
See How the Virgin Waits...
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry
applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention
of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0,
Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or
HouseCleaning 2.6.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose
utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!
Thank You, Jane
##############
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed
by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you
cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within
your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so
nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed
once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error
messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications,
or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install
Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under
"Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program
runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend
you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and
illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must
assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of
root cause.
To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU
LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering
the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a
"C:\>I APOLOGIZE"
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet,
Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create
FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to
delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run
all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program,
but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in
conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running
smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install
Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in
coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
INSTALLING WIFE 1.0
Subject: Wife 1.0
To: Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of
this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In
addition, Wife1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other
system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5
and Monday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run some of my other favorite
applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the un-install for Wife 1.0 does not work.
Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Lord Joe Nevanen
Mission, TX
Tech Support Writes Back
Dear Lord Joseph:
This is a very common problem male employees complain
about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many
people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that
Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you
would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would
cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files
from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend
7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried
to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system.
Look in your help files under "Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with
the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults(GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be
to enter the DOS-command
C:\APOLOGIZE or click the I'M SORRY! Icon for Macintosh
systems. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE/SORRY
command before the operating system will return to normal. The
system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all
the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high
maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is
likely to cause irreversible damage to YOUR hardware.
Best of luck.
M O J D E H H O J J A T I
Texpress Internacional
Morelos #105-B, Col. Centro
Texcoco, Edo. de Mexico 56100
MEXICO
Tel.: (595) 11654
Fax : (595) 45977
email: mojdeh@www.citsatex.com.mx
Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market,
explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the
ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly, since
they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them. Of
course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might
end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, i'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke.
That'll be $3.99.
J: Uh, i don't want a Coke.
C: Sorry, they're bundled.
J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
C: You don't; the Coke is free.
J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's
got integrated Coke!
J: I already bought a Mountain Dew (ok, ok - Snapple) across the street
I'm not going to drink the Coke.
C: Then you can't have the burger.
J:
C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally
inseperable.
J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!
C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
J: Why did you just do that?!?!
C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with
two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of
a continuous taste across all your foods.
<>-<>-<>-<>
A good site for finding out what acronyms mean is http://acronymfinder.com
<>-<>-<>-<>
Here's some fun stuff for every one. Just pass it on so that people know what ur talking about when you write something. Also, if you have your own smiley or an abbreviation thats not on here just copy and paste this into another email and add it on. Maybe if if you want you start a whole new category. Oh well have fun!!! Remember pass this on please.
ShortHand
2U2 = To You, Too
AAMOF = As A Matter Of Fact
AFAIK = As Far As I Know
AFAIC = As Far As I'm Concerned
AFAICT = As Far As I Can Tell
AFK = Away From Keyboard
ASAP = As Soon As Possible
BAK = Back At Keyboard
BBL = Be Back Later
BITMT = But In The Meantime
BOT = Back On Topic
BRB = Be Right Back
BTW = By the way
C4N = Ciao For Now
CRS = Can't Remember "Stuff"
CU = See You
CUL(8R) = See You Later
CWOT = Complete Waste Of Time
CYA = See Ya
DITYID = Did I Tell You I'm Distressed?
DIY = Do It Yourself
EOD = End Of Discussion
EZ = Easy
F2F = Face To Face
FAQ = Frequently Asked Questions
FBOW = For Better Or Worse
FOAF = Friend Of A Friend
FOCL = Falling Off Chair Laughing
FWIW = For What It's Worth
FYA = For Your Amusement
FYI = For Your Information
/ga = Go Ahead
GAL = Get A Life
GBTW = Get Back To Work
GFC = Going For Coffee
GFETE = Grinning From Ear To Ear
GMTA = Great Minds Think Alike
GR&D = Grinning, Running & Ducking
GTG = Got To Go
GTGTTBR = Got To Go To The Bathroom
GTRM = Going To Read Mail
HAND = Have A Nice Day
HHOK = Ha Ha Only Kidding
HTH = Hope This Helps
IAC = In Any Case
IAE = In Any Event
IC = I See
IDGI = I Don't Get It
IMCO = In My Considered Opinion
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO = in My Not So Humble Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IMPE = In My Previous/Personal Experience
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
IOTTMCO = Intuitively Obvious To The Most Casual Observer
IOW = In Other Words
IRL = In Real Life
ISP = Internet Service Provider
IYKWIM = If You Know What I Mean
JIC = Just In Case
J/K = Just kidding
KISS = Keep It Simple Stupid
L8TR = Later
LD = Later Dude
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
LTNS = Long Time No See
MorF = Male or Female, or person who asks that question
MTCW = My Two Cents Worth
NRN = No Reply Necessary
ONNA = Oh No, Not Again!
OTOH = On The Other Hand
OTTOMH = Off The Top Of My Head
OIC = Oh I See
OTF = On The Floor
OLL = Online Love
PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PLS = Please
PU = That Stinks!
REHI = Hello Again (re-Hi!)
ROFL = Rolling On Floor Laughing
ROTF = Rolling On The Floor
ROTFL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing
RSN = Real Soon Now
RTDox = Read The Documentation/Directions
RTFM = Read The Frickin' Manual
RUOK = Are You OK?
SNAFU = Situation Normal; All Fouled Up
SO = Significant Other
SOL = Smiling Out Loud (or You're Out of Luck)
TANSTAAFL = There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch
TAFN = That's All For Now
TEOTWAWKI - The End Of The World As We Know It
THX = Thanks
TIA = Thanks In Advance
TLK2UL8R = Talk to you later
TMK = To My Knowledge
TOS = Terms Of Service
TPTB = The Powers That Be
TSWC = Tell Someone Who Cares
TTBOMK = To The Best Of My Knowledge
TTFN = Ta-Ta For Now
TTYL(8R) = Talk To You Later
TWIMC = To Whom It May Concern
Txs = Thanks
URL = Web Page Address
w/b = Welcome Back
w/o = Without
WRT = With Regard To
WTG = Way To Go
WU? = What's Up?
WWW = World Wide Web
WYSIWYG = What You See Is What You Get
Y2K = Year 2000
YGIAGAM = Your Guess Is As Good As Mine
YGWYPF = You Get What You Pay For
YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary
ZZZ = Sleeping
Emoticons
0:) or 0:-) = Angel
:II or :-II = Angry
:@ or :-@ = Angry or screaming
>:-( = Angry, annoyed
|-I = Asleep
;)=) or ;-)=)= Big grin
:1 or :-1 = Bland face
:o or :-o = Bored
:c or :-c = Bummed out
:'( or :'-)= Crying/sad
:> or :-> = Devilish grin
:6 or :-6 = Eating something sour
}) or }-) = Evil
:] or :-] = Friendly
:( or :-( = Frowning
:/ or :-/ = Frustrated
8) or 8-) = Glasses
:D or :-D = Grinning
{ } = Hug
:*) or :-*) = Kiss
:x or :-x = Kissing
:))) or :-))) = Laughing or double chin
:.) or :.-) = Laughing tears
:$ or :-$ = Mouth wired shut
:X or :-X = Mute
:l or :-I = Not talking
:Y or :-Y = Quiet aside
:[ or :-[ = Real downer
:< or :-< = Sad
:> or:-> = Sarcastic
B) or B-) = Shades
=:) or =:-) = Shocked
:Z or :-Z = Sleeping
:) or :-) = Smiling
:O or :-O = Surprised
:() or :-() = Talking
:P or :-P = Tongue out
:& or :-& = Tongue-tied
I) or I-) = Trekkie
:^( = Unhappy, looking away
;) or ;-)= Winking
:} or :-} = Wry smile
Smileys
_O-) = Aquanaut
:=8) = Baboon
@:-] = Baby
=:-) = Bad hair day
(:-) = Bald
:o) = Boxer's nose
*:o) = Bozo the Clown
:-{#} = Braces
:-E = Bucktoothed Vampire
:-F = Bucktoothed Vampire with one tooth missing
cl:-= = Charlie Chaplin
C=:-) = Chef
%-) = Cross-eyed
O-) = Cyclops
#-) = Dead
<:-) = Dunce's hat
}:-> = The Devil
:-[ = Dracula
:-3 = Has eaten a lemon
<<<<(:-) = Hat salesman
(-: = Left-handed smiley
8:-) = Little girl
:-{} = Lipstick
:-.) = Madonna or Marilyn Monroe
(8-o = Mr. Bill
:<) or :-{ = Moustache
.-) = One-eyed
:@) = Pig
:-? = Pipe smoker
P-) = Pirate
K:P = Propeller beenie
=:-I = Punk Rocker
[:] = Robot
*<-:-{{{ = Santa
*<;{o> = Santa
(:)-) = Scuba-diving
.^) = Side view
:-Q = Smoking
?-( = Sorry, I don't know what went wrong
%-) = Stared too long at monitor
B:-) = Sunglasses on head
8-) = Swimmer
=|:-)= = Uncle Sam or Abe Lincoln
X-) = Unconscious
[:-) = Wearing a Walkman
{:-) = Wig
Remember, PASS THIS ON!!! :) Tnx
Introduction to Chinese
-----------------------
Ai Bang Mai Ne--------------I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu-----------------A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat-----------------You need a face lift
Dum Gai---------------------A stupid person
Gun Pao Der-----------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung---------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding--------------We have reason to believe you are harboring
a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun---------------A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia---------------------Approach me
Lao Ze Sho------------------Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi----------------------Not very good
Lin Ching-------------------An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding---------------A great achievement of the American space
program
Ne Ahn----------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai--------------------A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be---------------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne----------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba-----------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung----------------A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan---------------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah----------------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim------------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting-------------There is no reason to raise your voice
It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow
desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per
year) for each institution was $84,242 and they just
weren't getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a
rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the
middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate
themselves from their competitors. Read on for their
masterful slogans...
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do
you havea nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a
lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things
like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like
commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy
school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really
hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher
again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that,
too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating
club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the
smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in
high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the
great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot?
How aboutfour more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic
West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics
scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you
interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever
wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like
bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to
stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO
CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!!
YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to
get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like
to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to
continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking?
COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
VANDERBILT: Hey kids! Do you like to
sweat? Does binge drinking in your room before you go out
sound like fun? Do you enjoy being around rich blondes and
finding a date to watch a football team that sucks? Come to
Vandy!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to
be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math?
That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO
M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of
people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
the long weekends.
--Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote.
--Age 10
Home is where the house is.
--Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
--Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
--Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn
eternally-but I didn't want to upset him.
--Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I
show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have
found many more than four basic elements and show him a periodic
table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with
wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
--Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower.
--Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water
for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Then there
was a big fire and everyone died.
--Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
--Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
days saved up.
--Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
--Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
would be right there.
--Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with!
--Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
right?
--Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started.
--Age 15
If you throw a cat out the window, is it considered kitty litter?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he
still wrong?
Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still
grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered
plant?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON. how do they make it stick to the pan?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day. 365 days a year. why are there locks on the
doors?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights
off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Can a fat person go skinny dipping?
Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Have you ever imagined a world with out hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If a cow laughed. would milk come out her nose?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light. what happens when you turn on
the headlights?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment.
but when you transport something by ship. its cargo?
You know that little indestructable black box that is used on planes. Why
dont they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address. you turn down
the volume on the radio?
Jennifer
The day is over, you are driving home. You tune in your radio. You hear a little
blurb about a little village in India where some villagers have died suddenly,
strangely, of a flu that has never been seen before. It's not influenza, but three or
four fellows are dead, and it's kind of interesting, and they're sending some
doctors over there to investigate it.
You don't thing much about it, but on Sunday, coming home from church, you
hear another radio spot. Only they say it's not three villagers, it's 30,000
villagers in the back hills of this particular area of India, and it's on TV that
night. CNN runs a little blurb; people are heading there from the disease center
in Atlanta because this disease strain has never been seen before.
By Monday morning when you get up, it's the lead story. For it's not just India;
it's Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, and before you know it, you're hearing this story
everywhere and they have coined it now as "the mystery flu". The President has
made some comment that he and everyone are praying and hoping that all will
go well over there. But everyone is wondering, "How are we going to contain
it?" That's when the President of France makes an announcement that shocks
Europe. He is closing their borders. No flights from India, Pakistan, or any of
the countries where this thing has been seen.
And that's why that night you are watching a little bit of CNN before going to
bed. Your jaw hits your chest when a weeping woman is translated from a
French news program into English: "There's a man lying in a hospital in Paris
dying of the mystery flu." It has come to Europe. Panic strikes. As best they can
tell, once you get it, you have it for a week and you don't know it. Then you
have four days of unbelievable symptoms. And then you die.
Britain closes it's borders, but it's too late. South Hampton, Liverpool ,North
Hampton, and it's Tuesday morning when the President of the United States
makes the following announcement: "Due to a national security risk, all flights
to and from Europe and Asia have been canceled. If your loved ones are
overseas, I'm sorry. They cannot come back until we find a cure for this thing."
Within four days our nation has been plunged into an unbelievable fear. People
are selling little masks for your face. People are talking about what if it comes to
this country, and preachers on Tuesday are saying, "It's the scourge of God."
It's Wednesday night and you are at a church prayer meeting when somebody
runs in from the parking lot and says, "Turn on a radio, turn on a radio." And
while the church listens to a little transistor radio with a microphone stuck up to
it, the announcement is made. "Two women are lying in a Long Island hospital
dying from the mystery flu." Within hours it seems this thing just sweeps across
the country. People are working around the clock trying to find an antidote.
Nothing is working. California. Oregon. Arizona. Florida. Massachusetts. It's as
though it's just sweeping in from the borders.
And then, all of a sudden the news comes out. The code has been broken. A cure
can be found. A vaccine can be made. It's going to take the blood of somebody
who hasn't been infected, and so, sure enough, all through the Midwest, through
all those channels of emergency broadcasting, everyone is asked to do one
simple thing: "Go to your downtown hospital and have your blood type taken.
That's all we ask of you. And when you hear the sirens go off in your
neighborhood, please make your way quickly, quietly, and safely to the
hospitals."
Sure enough, when you and your family get down there late on that Friday night,
there is a long line, and they've got nurses and doctors coming out and pricking
fingers and taking blood and putting labels on it. Your wife and your kids are
out there, and they take your blood type and they say, "Wait here in the parking
lot and if we call your name, you can be dismissed and go home."
You stand around scared with your neighbors, wondering what in the world is
going on, and that this is the end of the world. Suddenly a young man comes
running out of the hospital screaming. He's yelling a name and waving a
clipboard. What? He yells it again! And your son tugs on your jacket and says,
"Daddy, that's me."
Before you know it, they have grabbed your boy. "Wait a minute, hold it!" And
they say, "It's okay, his blood is clean. His blood is pure. We want to make sure
he doesn't have the disease. We think he has got the right type." Five tense
minutes later, out come the doctors and nurses, crying and hugging one another -
some are even laughing.
It's the first time you have seen anybody laugh in a week, and an old doctor
walks up to you and says, "Thank you, sir. Your son's blood type is perfect It's
clean, it is pure, and we can make the vaccine." As the word begins to spread all
across that parking lot full of folks, people are screaming and praying and
laughing and crying.
But then the gray-haired doctor pulls you and you wife aside and says, "May we
see you for a moment? We didn't realize that the donor would be a minor and we
need . . . we need you to sign a consent form." You begin to sign and then you
see that the number of pints of blood to be taken is empty.
"H-h-h-how many pints?" And that is when the old doctor's smile fades and he
says, " We had no idea it would be a little child. We weren't prepared. We need
it all!" " But - but..." "You don't understand. We are talking about the world
here. Please sign. We - we need it all - we need it all!" "But can't you give him a
transfusion?" "If we had clean blood we would. Can you sign? Would you
sign?"
In numb silence you do. Then they say, "Would you like to have a moment with
him before we begin?"
Can you walk back? Can you walk back to that room where he sits on a table
saying, "Daddy? Mommy? What's going on?" Can you take his hands and say,
"Son, your mommy and I love you, and we would never ever let anything
happen to you that didn't just have to be. Do you understand that?" And when
that old doctor comes back in and says, "I'm sorry, we've - we've got to get
started. People all over the world are dying." Can you leave? Can you walk out
while he is saying, "Dad? Mom? Dad? Why - why have you forsaken me?"
And then next week, when they have the ceremony to honor your son, and some
folks sleep through it, and some folks don't even come because they go to the
lake, and some folks come with a pretentious smile and just pretend to care.
Would you want to jump up and say, "MY SON DIED! DON'T YOU CARE?"
Is that what He wants to say? "MY SON DIED. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW
MUCH I CARE?"
"Father, seeing it from your eyes breaks our hearts. Maybe now we can begin to
comprehend the great love you have for us. Amen."
Jesus vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on
his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to
set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better
job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent
e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did
some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the
electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in the Underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's
gone! It's gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated!
How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
Ever look at the Help wanted ads and wonder what they really mean
Here is our guide to Job Search Lingo
**"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
**"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.
**"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up;
a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
**"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.
**"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
**"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.
**"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
**"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly
you'll be told that the position has been filled.
**"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
**"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.
**"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager,
without the pay or respect.
**"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do it.
The other side of the coin ....
Phrases for you to use in an interview:
**"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office.
**"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.
**"I take pride in my work"
I blame others for any mistakes.
**"I'm personable"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
**"I am very adaptable"
I've changed jobs a lot.
**"I am on the go"
I'm never at my desk.
**"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a
nerd?"
Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals
$10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With
$40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day,
working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night
while vision of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while
boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it
would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement
money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every
second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but
will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income
into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap
of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd
be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in
the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in
his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past
presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
---------------------------------------------------------------
However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250
years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins.
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K HERE ARE A FEW JOKES FOR GIRLS ONLY...
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft
before creating a masterpiece.
Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married
women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no
such
thing as a good man.
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000
miles, whichever came first.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
WELL I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE JOKES PASS ON OR YOU WILL HAVE BAD LUCK WITH
GUYZ FOREVER...
0 YOUR DREAM GUY WILL FORGET ALL ABOUT YOU
1-5 YOUR DREAM GUY WILL REALIZR YOU EXIST
6-10 THE MAN OF YOUR LIFE WILL START TO FLIRT WITH YOU
11-16 YOUR CRUSH WILL ASK YOU OUT
17-21 YOUR CRUSH WILL SPEND ROMANTIC EVENINGS WITH YOU
22-26 YOUR CRUSH WILL MAKEOUT WITH YOU
27+ YOUR CRUSH WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WILL LAST FOR A LIFETIME
MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION!!!!!
Just Us Girls
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
- Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
- Janette Barber
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear
it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope
and send it to someone.
- Jan King
A few weeks after my [breast cancer] surgery, I went out
to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over
to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched
it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling
"Hey, come back here with my breast!"
- Linda Ellerbee
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
- Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy
and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's
how I originally got pierced ears.
- Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
owned a car.
- Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with your girlfriends.
- Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first is
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
- Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.
- Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
- Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through
the windows.
- Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to
be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
- Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and
your body starts falling apart.
- Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days
attack me at once.
- Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to
serve as a horrible warning.
- Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids
for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing
loss... and they called ME slow!
- Kathy Buckley
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of
coffee.
- Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman...is a basket of dirty laundry.
- Sally Forth
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
expensive cigars, and insured them against ... [get this] ... fire. Within a month,
having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigarsand having yet to make a
single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the
insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a
series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing (as the obvious reason) that the
man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued...and won!
delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the
company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also
guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it
considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured
for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the
rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the
insurance company had him arrested .. on 24 counts of arson! With his own
insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence
against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!
How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming."
Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then!"
Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get
married!"
Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids."
Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10
What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9
When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich!"
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ... I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out!"
Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!"
Anita, age 9
"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure
something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for
some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and
diseases together."
Marlon, age 10
How to Make a Marriage Work
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
diamonds on it."
Lori, age 8
Getting Married for a Second Time
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to
find a live one."
Angie L., age 10
How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
The Lawyer
A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were
sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's
name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the
lawyer saying, ... "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy
the balls."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's
court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whose Duck is It?
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he
attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer
suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr.
Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I
just shot," he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine,"
replied the farmer. Mr.Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized
who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I
don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the
reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a
free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for
your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless
on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "in Montana the only law we go by is the '3
kicks law.'" "Never heard of it," said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get
to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to
kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He
grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer.
"Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the
groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he
hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right,
now it's my turn," said Johnny.
"Aww, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
***** Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes *****
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu
"Are you a lesbian?" - a heckler
"Are you my alternative?" - Florynce Kennedy
"They say that lesbians hate men.
Why would a lesbian hate a man?
They don't have to fuck them!" - Roseanne
"What's a bridal shower if you're gay?
It's the parade of gifts you'll never get cause you're
homosexual.
Come in and take a look at the blender, toaster, silverware
you'll have to buy yourself!!!
I hate that. I don't bring a gift anymore, I take one.
I have six cuisinarts. I don't give a shit... they owe us."
-Suzanne Westenhoffer
"I can't help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say,
'Who's the dyke in the dress?'" - Karen Ripley
"For a long time I thought I wanted to be a nun.
Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a
lesbian." -Mabel Maney
"If male homosexuals are called 'gay,' then female
homosexuals should be called 'ecstatic.'" - Roberts' Rules
of Lesbian Living by Shelly Roberts
"Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a
secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend.
'I had a great time with ....THEM.'
Great! Now they don't think you're queer ~ just a big
slut!" - Judy Carter
"Men often say, 'Women! Who could ever understand them?'
Don't ask a lesbian for the answer.
All you'll get is a sympathetic nod." - Joanne Brigden
"My mom blames California for being a lesbian.
'Everything was fine until you moved out there.'
'That's right, Mom, we have mandatory lesbianism in West
Hollywood.
The Gay Patrol busted me, and I was given seven business
days to add a significant amount of flannel to my
wardrobe." - Coley Sohn
There were 3 kids in the family...one of each sex.
(Beverly's Note: This is a reference to the somewhat
ancient concept that lesbians were actually a 3rd sex,
being either male nor female because they did not behave as
"normal" females but were not genetically males. The same
was felt to be true about gay men and this idea was
probably started by either the lgbt community or supporters
as 'proof' that we are born 'this way'.)
"If homosexuality is a disease, lets all call in queer to
work
'Hello. Can't work today, still queer'." - Robin Tyler
"Introductions are tricky in a lesbian relationship. It's a
word game.
To my friends she's my lover, to strangers and family
members in denial she's my roommate, to Jehovah's Witnesses
at the door she's my lesbian sex slave, and to my mother
she's Jewish and that's all that matters." - Denise McCanles
"A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination,
the doctor says, 'Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you
do to keep yourself so hygenic?'
The woman responds, 'I have a woman in twice a week.'"
"We're invisible, we're like stealth lesbians, low-flying
and undetectable.
Well if they can't see us, then let's do whatever the hell
we want."
- Kate Clinton
" My lover asked me if I wanted to have children.
I told her I didn't know, but we should keep trying." -Suzy
Berger
"My partner and I joined a support group for monogamous
lesbians - it was great until she met someone there."
-Margo Gomez
"It's hard to be a lesbian comedian these days. Like there
was an easier time.
Oh, the Renaissance, that was a good time to be a lesbian
comedian."
- Kate Clinton
"When my mother found out I was gay she sent me to Juvenile
Hall.
That's smart. Sending me to live with five hundred girls
who can't get out!" - Kat Howard
"Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Groom" - the name of Robin
Tyler's openly lesbian comedy album.
"I don't think of them as lesbian supervisors, I think of
them as county supervisors who happen to be lesbians.
A lesbian supervisor would have a very different job:
'Hey you, cut those nails before you hurt somebody.'"
-Marga Gomez (on lesbians in local government)
"That word lesbian sounds like a disease.
And straight men know because they're sure that they're the
cure." -
Denise McCanles
Dear Louanne Ellie Mae,
I'm writing you this leter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to
send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took
the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their
address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works
well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen the
clothes since. The weather here isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days. About the coat you
wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in
the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it
took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this
morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt
or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother . . . Uncle Ted fell in a
whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off
playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in
the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't
much more news at this time. Nothin much has happened.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed
Allegedly Genuine Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords.
====================================================================
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door
throwing their balls on the roof.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my
wife is about to become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color
and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age
pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her
toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at
5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new
drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish
the job and keep my wife happy.
~~~ LIFE INSTRUCTIONS ~~~
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's
the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask,
"Why do you want to know?".
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize that you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in in your
voice.
22. Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational
skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to
create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't
bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray, there's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are
living. That is wealth's
greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other
is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
- Unknown author
The unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it? You
die.
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it
out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out
when you're too young. You get a gold watch when you go to work. You
work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go
to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
you spend your last nine months floating...and you finish off as an
orgasm.
Much better....
THIS IS TOO INTERESTING NOT TO SHARE ...
And I thought I knew it all, Life in the 1500's This is really interesting (and TRUE!!)
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.
~**~$<~**~**~$
Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water,"
~**~$<~**~**~$
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets ... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs,"
~**~$<~**~**~$
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds
with canopies.
~**~$<~**~**~$
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other thank dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold,"
~**~$<~**~**~$
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old,"
~**~$<~**~**~$
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
~**~$<~**~**~$
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes...for 400 years.
~**~$<~**~**~$
Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
~**~$<~**~**~$
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".
~**~$<~**~**~$
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".
~**~$<~**~**~$
England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
You know you work in the '90s when...
25. When you consider Starbucks a food group.
24. When you schedule conference calls on your mobile phone while you know
you're gonna be stuck in traffic.
23. Whenever you hear an electric beeping, 90% of everyone in sight reaches
for their belts.
22. You find the words "conventional oven" archaic.
21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.
20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
email addresses.
19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your bookmarks.
18. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom
breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick-up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.
14. You assume any question about whether to valet park is rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the
products don't even exist anymore.
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve
their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project"
are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door
neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night
plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas
into a matrix.
And the number one sign that you work in the nineties...
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
Life is not that Bad.......
If you think life is bad...How would you like to be anegg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay oday!
Little Johnny, What Element Do You Want?
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would
teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and
said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what
would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold
is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth
more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny
stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you
should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
Thumb Sucking
Little Johnny had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking
his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to
reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop
sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant
woman sitting on a bench. Little Johnny considered her gravely for
a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've"
been doing."
------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny and His Injuries
Little Johnny had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane.
He ran to his mother, who kissed the wound and made it better. On the
way to the store a little later, Johnny fell off his bike and scraped
hisknee. He ran to his mother, who kissed it and made it better.
Returning from the store, Johnny ran into the town bully, who kicked him
in a very private part of his anatomy. Johnny rushed home. His mother
said, "Son, you're getting more like your father every day!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny and the Class's Imagination
Esther Cohen was testing her 2nd grade class's imagination. She
put her hand in a box, removed something without the class seeing what
it was, put her hand behind and asked "Class I am holding something in
my hand, its round, red and is edible, what is it? Several hands went up.
Esther said, "Yes Robert".
Robert, "is it an apple?"
Esther replied, "No Robert, who else can try?"
Peter called out, "its an orange."
The young teacher said, "No."
James shouted, "it's a tomato!"
"Very good James, that's correct", the teacher answered.
Little Johnny's hand shot up as he said "Miss Cohen, I also want to test
the class's imagination"
Esther, reluctant to call on Johnny due to his propensity to use
foul language, said "okay, go ahead".
Johnny putting his hand in his trousers pocket says, "I am holding
something in my hand, its three inches long and has a head, what is it?"
The class was quite and no one had their hand up. The teacher thought
quickly and said in a disgusted voice, "Johnny sit down and keep quite,
I don't want any of your silly jokes."
Johnny, smiling removes his hand from his pocket and says, "it's a match
stick, Miss Cohen you have a lot of imagination."
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she
slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she
was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and
Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior,"
but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came
to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and
the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny
jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If
you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Great Story - If this doesn't get you in a Holiday Mood.....You're Dead.
He was driving home one evening, on a two-lane country road. Work, in
this small Midwestern community, was almost as slow as his beat-up
Pontiac. But he never quit looking. Ever since the factory closed, he'd been
unemployed, and with winter raging on, the chill had finally hit home.
It was a lonely road. Not very many people had a reason to be on it, unless
they were leaving. Most of his friendshad already left. They had families to
feed and dreams to fulfill. But he stayed on. After all, this was where he
buried his mother and father. He was born here and knew the country. He
could go down this road blind, and tell you what was on either side, and
with his headlights not working, that came in handy.
It was starting to get dark and light snow flurries were coming down. He'd
better get a move on. You know, he almost didn't see the old lady, stranded
on the side of the road. But even in the dim Light of day, he could see she
needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His
Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her. Even with the smile
on his face, she was worried.
No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt
her? He didn't look safe, he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she
was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It
was that chill which only fear can put in you.
He said, "I'm here to help you m'am. Why don't you wait in the car where
it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan." Well, all she had was a flat
tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car
looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two.
Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands
hurt.
As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled Down the window and
began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only
just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.
Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. She asked him how much she
owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She had
already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not
stopped.
Bryan never thought twice about the money. This was not a job to him.
This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who
had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and
it never occurred to him to act any other way. He told her that if she really
wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help,
she could give that person the assistance that they needed, and Bryan added
"...and think of me." He waited until she started her car and drove off.
It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for
home, disappearing into the twilight. A few miles down the road the lady
saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and Take the chill off
before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking
restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was
unfamiliar to her. The cash register was like the telephone
Of an out of work actor-it didn't ring much.
Her waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She
had a sweet smile, One that even being on her feet for the whole day
couldn't erase. The lady noticed that the waitress was nearly eight months
pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old
lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a
stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.
After the lady finished her meal, and the waitress went to get change for her
hundred dollar bill, the lady slipped right out the door. She was gone by the
time the waitress came back. She wondered where the lady could be, then
she noticed something written on a napkin. There were tears in her eyes
when she read what the lady wrote. It said: "You don't owe me anything, I
have been there too. Somebody once helped ME out, the way I'm helping
you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this
chain of love end with you."
Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but
the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home
from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and
what the lady had written. How could lady have known how much she and
her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be
hard. She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next
to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's
gonna be all right; I love you, Bryan."
Today, I sent you this story, now I am asking you to pass it on...Let the
Light Shine. Don't put it under a basket. Please pass this on to a friend.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.
What'd you do with the boat?"
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with
his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
Oh man this is good.......
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
MANAGERS VS. ENGINEERS
Three Engineers and three Managers are going to a conference and had to travel
by train to get there. At the station, the three Managers bought their three tickets
and watched as the three Engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three
people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a Manager. "Just watch and
you'll see," answered an Engineer.
They all board the train and the Managers took their seats and watched as all
three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train
departed and shortly afterward, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He
knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a
crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and
moved on.
The Managers saw all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the Managers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and
save some money (expense reports). When they got to the station, they bought a
single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the Engineers didn't
buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a single ticket?" asked one Manager.
"Just watch and you'll see," answered an Engineer.
They board the train. The three Managers cram into a restroom compartment
and the three Engineers cram into an another one nearby. The train departed.
Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers left his restroom, walked over to the
Managers stall, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased
either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.
The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation,
which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which"
and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y"
replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing
awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and
the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi
posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a
memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th"
rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
* Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar *
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and
use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing
Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones,
fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '98.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents"
in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will
be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive touch to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices,
and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores.
Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping,
thus making many people feel less inadequate than
they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle.
Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the
clock strikes midnight in that country.
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
Masturbation Song
You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You"
or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers
and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it,
all across the land
Masturbators Of America,
Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it
ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip
between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it,
and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourselves a Hand!
(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you
jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert
while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it,
Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften,
your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand
When me prayers were poorly said,
Who tucked me in me widdle bed,
And spanked me till me ass was red?
Me Mudder
Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on me ice-cold pot,
And made me pee pee if I could not?
Me Mudder
And when the morning light would come,
And in me crib me dribble some,
Who wipe me tiny widdle bum?
Me Mudder
Who would me hair so gently part,
And hug me gently to her heart,
And sometimes squeeze me till me fart?
Me Mudder
Who looked at me with eyebrows knit,
And nearly had a king size fit,
When in my Sunday pants me shit?
Me Mudder
When at night the bed did squeak,
Me raised me head to have a peek,
Who yelled at me to go to sleep?
Me Fadder
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know
Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced
6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15
years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her
kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal
son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa
Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
This is a beauty. This story occurred on Melbourne radio last
week.......
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring
someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse
or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are
the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had
sex ?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this
morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it
mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the
other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three
Questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you
win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to
work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go
for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a
gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No
way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter
anyway...just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!
Radio Silence
Advertisement
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live
here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian
and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
Men Are Like...
Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like... government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.
Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it...haha
Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like... high heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like... miniskirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Three men worked at the mine. There was a Mexican, Italian and a Polish. Anyway one lunch hour they were talking about the same old lunches their wives packed them every day.
" If i get one more burrito for lunch I swear I'll kill myself" The Mexican said.
" If i get one more lunch of spaghetti I'll do the same" the Italian said.
"If i get one more bologna sandwich I'll kill myself with you" The Polish said.
The next day as usual the three men go the same lunches so they killed themselves.
Later at the three mens' funeral the three widows we talking. The Mexicans wife said as she sobbed,
"If i only knew how much he hated burritos I never would have packed them, he could have had rice or tacos."
Then the Italian wife said " I always could have packed him lasagna if I only knew how much he hated spaghetti."
The other two wives looked at the Polish wife expecting a few words of grief. "Don't look at me, that dumbass always packed his own lunch"
Special True Story
"The Miracle of a Brother's Song"
Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another
baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3
year old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling. They found
out that the new baby was going to be a girl, and day after day,
night after night, Michael sang to his little sister in Mommy's
tummy. He was building a bond of love with his little sister
before he even met her.
The pregnancy progressed normally for Karen, an active
member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in
Morristown, Tennessee. In time, the labor pains came. Soon it
was every five minutes, every three, every minute. But
serious complications arose during delivery and Karen found
herself in hours of labor. Would a C-section be required?
Finally, after a long struggle, Michael's little sister was born.
But she was in very serious condition. With a siren howling in
the night, the ambulance rushed the infant to the neonatal
intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville,
Tennessee.
The days inched by. The little girl got worse. The pediatric
specialist regretfully had to tell the parents, "There is very
little hope. Be prepared for the worst." Karen and her husband
contacted a local cemetery about a burial plot. They had fixed
up a special room in their home for the new baby - but now
they found Themselves having to plan for a funeral.
Michael, however, kept begging his parents to let him see his
sister. "I want to sing to her," he kept saying. Week two in
intensive care looked as if a funeral would come before the
week was over. Michael kept nagging about singing to his
sister, but kids are never allowed in the Intensive Care Unit.
Karen made up her mind, though. She would take Michael
whether they liked it or not! If he didn't see his sister right
then, he may never see her alive.
She dressed him in an oversized scrub suit and marched him
into ICU. He looked like a walking laundry basket, but the
head nurse recognized him as a child and bellowed "Get that
kid out of here now! NO children are allowed!"
The mother rose up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-
mannered lady glared steel-eyed right into the head nurse's
face, her lips a firm line. "He is not leaving until he sings to
his sister!" Karen towed Michael to his sister's bedside. He
gazed at the tiny infant losing the battle to live.
After a moment, he began to sing. In the pure hearted voice of
a 3-year-old. Michael sang: "You are my sunshine, my only
sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray." Instantly
the baby girl seemed to respond. Her pulse rate began to calm
down and become steady.
"Keep on singing, Michael," encouraged Karen with tears in
her eyes.
"You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't
take my sunshine away." As Michael sang to his sister, the
baby's ragged, strained breathing became as smooth as a
kitten's purr.
"Keep on singing, sweetheart!!"
"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you
in my hands..." Michael's little sister began to relax and rest, a
healing rest seemed to sweep over her.
"Keep on singing, Michael."
Tears had now conquered the face of the bossy head nurse.
Karen glowed.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don't take
my sunshine away...."
The next, day...the very next day...the little girl was well
enough to go home! "Women's Day Magazine" called it "The
Miracle of a Brother's Song." The medical staff just called it a
miracle. Karen called it a miracle of God's love!
~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~
Never give up on the people you love. Love is so Incredibly
powerful. Please send this to all the people that have touched
your life in some way. To the world you may be one person,
but to one person you may be the world.
Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says,
"Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to
enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on
the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off!
MOTHERHOOD - - IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE . . .
We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions that she and
Her husband are thinking of "starting a family". "We're taking a survey," she
says, half joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on the weekend, no more
spontaneous vacations . . . "
But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to
decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in
childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of
childbearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an
emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without
asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every fire
will haunt her.
That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if
anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her
carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how
sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive
level of a bear protecting her cub.
That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best
crystal without a moment's hesitation.
I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in
her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might
arrange for child care, but one day she will be going into an important
business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She
will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home,
just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be
routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather
than the women's at McDonalds will become a major dilemma.That right there
in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of
independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that
a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.
However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself
constantly as a mother.
Looking at my daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed
the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about
herself.That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her
once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save
her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years - not to
accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.
I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become
badges of honor.
My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the
ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a
man who is always careful to powder the baby or never hesitates to play with
his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again
for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my daughter could sense the bond she'll feel with women throughout
history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk
driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most
issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear
war to my children's future. I want to describe to my daughter the
exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.
I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the
soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy
that is so real, it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my
eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then I reach across the
table, squeeze my daughter's hand, and offer a silent prayer for her, and
for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into
this most wonderful of callings. The blessed gift of being a Mother.
A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY ;-)
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures...........
Remember, when someone annoys you,
It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT,
it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm
and smack the asshole upside the head.
Test Yourself for Music Addiction
Playing music seems to have become our "drug of choice". . In case you are
wondering if you have a music dependency problem, you might want to the
following self-test.
What are the signs of Musicolism?
The MD (Music Dependency) Self Test
Here is a self-test to help you review the role music plays in your life.
These questions incorporate many of the common symptoms of musicolism.
This test is intended to help you determine if you or someone you know
needs to find out more about musicolism; it is not intended to be used to
establish the diagnosis of musicolism.
...Yes...No
1.____ ____ Do you ever indulge heavily when you are disappointed,
under pressure or have had a quarrel with someone?
2.____ ____ Can you handle more music now than when you first started
to play?
3.____ ____ Does your spouse or significant other resent your music?
4.____ ____ When playing with other people, do you try to get in few
extra licks?
5.____ ____ Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable when music is not
available?
6.____ ____ Are you in more of a hurry to get your first tune of the
day than you used to be?
7.____ ____ Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your music?
8.____ ____ Has a family member or close friend ever expressed concern
or complained about your playing?
9.____ ____ Do you avoid parties or gatherings where you can't play music?
10.____ ____ Do you sometimes have memory blackouts about tune names?
11.____ ____ Do you often want to continue playing after your friends say
they've had enough?
12.____ ____ Do you ever find yourself spending money on music that was
budgeted for something else?
13.____ ____ Do you usually have a reason for occasions when you play
heavily?
14.____ ____ Have you tried switching instruments or changing styles to
control your music habit?
15.____ ____ Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to
yourself about controlling or cutting down on your playing?
16.____ ____ Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you're
playing?
17.____ ____ Do you think about music while you're at work?
18.____ ____ Does your involvement in music create financial, work, school
and/or family problems ?
19.____ ____ Do you eat very little or irregularly while you are playing
music?
20.____ ____ Do wake up in the morning with a tune in your head or
thinking about the next opportunity to play music?
21.____ ____ Do you sometimes attend events where you play music
for several days at a time?
22.____ ____ After periods of playing music do you sometimes hear tunes
although no one is playing?
23.____ ____ Do you keep hidden instruments at home or work?
23.____ ____ Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your music?
24.____ ____ Do you ever feel depressed or anxious, before, during or
after periods of heavy music indulgence?
A "yes" answer indicates you may be at greater risk for musicolism. More
than one "yes" answer may indicate the presence of a music-related problem
or musicolism, and the need for consultation with musicolism professional.
Maybe we should start a support group.
music definitions...
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard -- There's one in every family
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that
grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time-- Parole
Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone-- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family
barbecues
Middle C-- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are
low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll
Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of
when company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or
"Dori-toes"
Minor Third-- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of
formal schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale --The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer
truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used
Betty Jo
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and
when
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you
come in at 4 a.m.
Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to
sight-in your pistol with
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
First Inversion --Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain:
"Darn! That was a major scale!"
Aeolian Mode-- How you like Mama's cherry pie
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
CHILDREN'S ANSWERS IN MUSIC EDUCATION
(These are stories and test questions accumulated by music
teachers in the state of Missouri. circa 1989.
Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter)
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was
rather large.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard
of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers.
It isunusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they
are dead.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one
he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all
live happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any
passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from
hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and
said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were
happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long
ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the
Hatfields and McCoys.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more
cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just
stick with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and
bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making
sounds. So would anybody.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in
the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person
is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a
violin real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every
line of flute music. You just watch.
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets
to be the conductor.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a
pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
Elizabeth Lin ^..^
elin2@students.uiuc.edu ( oo ) )~
;,;;,;,;;,;,;;,;,;;,;,;;,;, ,, ,,
,;;,;,;;,;,;;,;,;;,;,;;,;,;;,;,;;,;,;;,
Received from an English Professor:
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Professor Miller
In-class assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and
then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a
third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has
been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
------------------------------------------
At first, Laurie couldnt' decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A. S. Harris to Geostation
17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign
off a blusish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ships cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying
out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had
ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Sklylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beutiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become
a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithlum fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of, the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithlum fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast
of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosian which vaporized Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
Read em all, they are good...then add your own!
NATURAL HIGHS
Falling in love.
Having your 2:00 class canceled on a beautiful day.
Laughing so hard your face hurts.
A great idea.
A scholarship.
A hot shower.
No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.
A hug.
A special glance.
Clean sheets.
Getting mail.
Love.
Falling asleep in the sun on a cool day.
Taking a drive on a pretty road.
Hugging a big teddy bear.
Playing miniature golf.
Getting a strike in bowling.
Working on a project with a cute boy.
Going out to dinner.
Getting an "A" on a paper.
Going dancing.
Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
Hot towels out of the dryer.
Walking out of your last final.
Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
A chocolate milkshake.
Getting a good grade.
Cookie dough ice cream.
Finding out their is no final in a hard class.
A long distance phone call.
Birthday cakes.
Going to the movies.
Your favorite lunch.
Getting invited to a dance.
Clean laundry.
Having your 8:00 class canceled.
A bubble bath.
Giggling.
Being in love.
A ski trip.
Seeing someone you love do something outstanding.
A good conversation.
Spring Break.
A Saturday shopping trip.
Being told you did an excellent job by your peers.
Going home for Thanksgiving break.
Chocolate chip cookies.
A care package.
Christmas caroling.
Waking up to a fresh snowfall.
Hearing a song that reminds you of someone you love.
Watching a beautifulsunset.
Hugging your mom or dad.
Being yourself.
The beach.
Pay day.
An unexpected present.
Knowing someone really understands.
A surprise visit from a friend.
Seeing a shooting star.
Fresh flowers.
A special smile.
Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
Solving a problem.
Laughing at yourself.
Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
Walking barefoot in the sand.
Marshmallows over campfires.
Taking off high heels.
Running through sprinklers.
Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
Listening to waves crashing on the beach.
Blowing bubbles.
Lemonade.
Laughing at an inside joke.
Friends.
A rainbow after a storm.
Falling in love for the first time.
A hug after a hard day.
Slumber parties.
Singing in the rain.
Smiles.
Knowing you are loved.
Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
Landing on the runway after a long flight and knowing someone will be
there to greet you.
Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
Going on retreats.
Midnight walks.
Sunday afternoon naps.
Your first kiss.
When the man of your dreams calls just to say hi.
Having a friend who can read your mind.
Coming home after you've been gone too long.
Being part of a team.
Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
Your first dozen roses.
A late night talk with a close friend.
Snuggling.
Playing with a newpuppy.
Friend's who take the time to talk even when they don't have time.
Late night talks from with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.
Finding friends you know you can trust.
Having someone play with your hair.
Sweet dreams.
Hot chocolate.
Building castles in the sand.
Christmas morning.
Lightning bugs.
Eating chili.
Doing what you're good at.
Hershey's kisses.
Weddings.
Knowing that God loves you.
Gettinge-mail from a friend that's away at college.
Telling first kiss stories.
A good ol' sweet kiss.
A huge bear huge from someone even bigger than yourself.
Bulky sweaters.
Boys that open the door.
Boys that stand up when you walk in the room.
Losing weight.
Fitting into old smaller clothes.
Being with hyper people.
The sun beating on your face.
An evening run.
Pamper day.
Girl day.
Any chocolate.
Good news.
Getting a good grade.
Flirting with someone.
Knowing someone likes you.
Dancing in the rain in the middle of the street.
A good comedy movie.
Adam Sandler.
Feeling the heat of the sun fade while watching a beautiful sunset.
Road trips with friends.
Driving on a hot summer day with the windows down and GREASE
blaringout
the windows.
Accomplishing something that you have always dreamed of since you
were
a
little girl!
When your best-friend comes home for the weekend and everything that
made your week horrible seems insignificant.
Getting a phone call from the guy you have a total crush on.
Watching movies that you've seen a million times while eating your
favorite ice cream.
Spending time with your closest friend, just laughing and talking.
Driving through the automatic car wash with a car-full of your
craziest
friends.
Shopping for apartments with your future roommates!!
Dancing like an idiot when no one's watching.
Finding the guy you know you're going to marry and spending the next
5-6
years planning it.
Getting an "A" on the test that you spent 3 weeks studying for!
Making friends you know will last forever.
Getting a long-awaited new car.
Going home from college for breaks (especially Thanksgiving) and
knowing
you only have 8 more days to get through till you get to be there!:)
Laying on the grass in the middle of the night with your closests
friend
or crush staring at wonder of the stars, dreaming of all the magic
they
contain.
Looking into the eyes of someone you love, without saying anything,
but
communicating EVERYTHING! Getting a wink from someone across the room.
Notes from secret admirers.
Notes from not-so-secret admirers.
Friendly smiles from strangers.
Waiting up the night before Christmas.
Waiting all week for the weekend when you'll get to see your best
friends! :)
Knowing that someone out there loves you very much!
Having someone say "bless you" after you sneeze.
Dancing to eighties music with your best friend.
Looking into the eyes of the man you love and knowing that you're
both
thinking the same thing.
Hearing "i love you" and being able to say it back.
Holding a newborn.
Playing in the snow.
Attending a wedding.
Laughing so hard that your side aches.
CHRISTMAS!
Seeing Christ, in someones eyes.
Walking a dog.
Seeing a rainbow.
A smile from a stranger.
Bonfires on the beach with your best friends.
Silly camp games.
Making up with a friend after a long ridiculous fight.
Going dancing and shagging with your old shag partner :)
Knowing that someone's thinking of you and smiling.
The first day of kamp when you get to see everyone who you haven't
seen
since the last day of kamp the summer before.
Doing something great on the soccer field.
Having a best friend that knows there is something wrong without you
having to say anything and them giving you a BIG hug.
Being able to pick up a conversation with your best friend days after
you started it.
Being able to see your best friend after a long time being away at
college!
Being complimented.
Being told that you are special.
Being told that you are loved.
Being told that you are missed.
Building a snowman.
Getting birthdaycards.
In the winter, getting out of a hot shower and climbing into a warm
bed
Getting a random thinking of you card from a close friend.
A dish of your favorite icecream.
Having your boyfriend/girlfriend play with your hair.
Getting a massage from someone that you care about.
Finding out you aced a test that you thought that you bombed.
Calling a friend that you haven't called in a long time at the
sametime
they are calling you.
Seeing a daisy or cute baby.
Smiling so hard it hurts
Stickers, crayons, glitter, pooh, etc!
Driving around with all your friends listening to the radio and
singing
along,
The feel of sand on bare feet for the first time since last summer.
Having friends that you could just look at and they know exactly what
you are thinking.
Having sleep overs with your friends or b-ball team and laughing and
eating and watching movies nonstop. Hitting a homerun.
The last word of a stressful paper being typed and done with.
Getting up early when you don't have to.
Being the answer to someones prayers.
Knowing that God has blessed you with your one true love, and being
able
to close your eyes at night knowing that she is thinking of you...
Getting up LATE when you don't have to (whoever wrote getting up
early
is crazy!)
Waking up and looking out the window to see nothing but white .
After saying a prayer you feel better.
waking up to the smell of fresh baked cookies.
watching someone you love sleep
Praising God for the things he has blessed you with.
When someone is reall upset and you do something so insanely stupid
that you make them laugh.
Winning a contest
Watching someone important to you smile...smiles go a million miles!
when someone you love whispers secrets only you can hear.
When someone tells you what they love about you.
Keeping a promise.
Knowing that you've changed someone's life.
Curious George!!!
Getting up early all by yourself and watching the sunrise.
Scoring a goal or assisting a goal, or even making a really good pass in a
soccer game.
Laying with a good friend(s) and cloud watching.
Running for a long time and having a refreshed feeling afterwards.
Going to bed realy late because you can't stop talking to a certain person.
Making someone laugh.
Smiling or laugh so much, it hurts.
The day after a really long and hard assignment has been turned in.
When it's really cold outside and your cheeks get numb and red.
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"
statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the
other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander,
however, the made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the
Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned
Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but
Armstrong always just smiled.
Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil
Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His
friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom
windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up
the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral
sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
Chemistry 101: New Elements
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the
first time is a description of their properties.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally rounded in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not
handled with great care.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when
left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green
when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
--------------------------
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily bent out
of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO at any opportunity.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Good methane generator. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.
Close your eyes.....And go back........
Before the Internet or the MAC, before semi automatics and crack. Before SEGA or Super Nintendo.
Way back........
I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk. Sittin' on the porch, hot bread and butter. The ice cream man, eatin' a 'super dooper sandwich.' Red light, Green light. Chocolate milk, Lunch tickets, penny candy in a brown paper bag.
Playin' Pac-man in the corner store. Hopscotch, butterscotch, doubledutch jacks, kickball, dodgeball, y'all!
Mother May I? Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds, Jolly Ranchers, blowpops, Mary Janes (you know, the shoes).
Grape and Watermelon Now-Laters (what about "Alexander the grape," "lemonheads"). Running through the sprinkler (I can't get wet! All right, well don't wet my hair....).
The smell of the sun and lickin' salty lips....
Wait......
Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons, Fat Albert, Road Runner, He-Man, The Three Stooges, and Bugs.
When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere?
Bedtime, Climbing trees, a million mosquito bites and sticky fingers. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians.
Sittin on the curb, jumpin down the steps, jumpin on the bed. Pillow fights. Being tickled to death. Runnin till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
Being tired from playin.'... Remember that? I ain't finished just yet... Crowding around in a circle around the 'after school fight,' then running when the teacher came.
What about the girl that had the big bubbly handwriting?? Eating Kool-aid powder with sugar. Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!
There's nothing like the good old days! They were good then, and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate, then share it with someone that missed out on them. One can't be serious ALL the time, eh?
Remember when... there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym."
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When nobody owned a purebred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did!
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
NOT SO DEEP THOUGHTS
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say
it.
28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
46. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
I found these helpful tips about what to do after nuclear war:
Things to do now that the world's ended in atomic fallout:
1.Cancel your subscription to Beautiful Homes and Gardens.
2.Find new uses for birth control devices... since everyone is
sterile.
3.Play checkers with THE PILL and make balloon animals out
of condoms.
4.Start bathing in sun block.
5.Start playing Gamma World... for real.
6.Park your car anywhere you want anytime.
7.Throw away your combs and toothbrushes. You have no
teeth or hair. What do you need them for anyway?
8.Detonate a Nuke in Irvine! "Hey Interplay! You think
Nuclear War is funny NOW???"
9.Throw away your flashlights and light bulbs. They are
unnecessary since you glow.
10.Watch Mad Max movies for tips on survival.
11.Throw away your No-Nukes is Good Nukes protest sign.
12.Throw away your bills.
13.Read the Safety Tips (below)
Safety tips for the post nuclear existence:
1.Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
nuclear bomb; use the stairs.
2.When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when
you hit the ground.
3.If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable
materials.
4.Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only
lead to psychological problems.
5.Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6.Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal
organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7.Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8.Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
staggering illegally.
9.Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but
more sanitary due to limited circulation.
10.Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short
supply on D-Day.
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going
to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years
of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me
any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that
God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to
remind Him!"
***This is an online cd. The object is to get as many songs as possible
on the cd. So put your fave song on it, sign it, date it, and send it to all
your friends!! if someone sends it to you again go ahead and put another song
on it! I hope Big Mac brakes the record.....uhh..he did..Send it back to
the person who gave it to u also! :p
#1. "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You" by NSync Julie
8/4/98
#2. "We've Got It Going On" by The Backstreet Boys Sarah 8/4/98
#3. "Spirit Thing" by the Newsboys - ? 8/4/98
#4. "Masqureade" by Reality Check - Danielle 8/5/98
#5. "Everybody Needs Love" by SevenDayJesus - Emily 8/5/98
#6. "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls - Stephanie 8/5/98
#7. "There's Your Trouble" by Dixie Chicks - Lindsey 8/5/98
#8. "Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniel's Band Megan8/5/98
#9. "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day - Amies 8/5/99
#10. "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith- ? 8/5/98
#11. "You" by Candlebox - Chris 8/5/98
#12. "My Own Prison" by Creed - Jayson 8/5/98
#13. "Make 'Em Say Ugh #2" by Master P - Jayson 8/5/98
#14. "Ghetto Superstar" by Parse, Mya, and DOB - Lacey 8/5/98
#15. "Motorcycle Drive" by Third Eye Blind - Jesse 8/5/98
#16. "Basketcase" by Green Day - Jennie 8/6/98
#17. "Trenchtown Rock and Saw Red" by Sublime - Jennie 8/6/98
#18. "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd - Mary 8/6/98
#19. "Long Ago" by Black Lab - Erin 8/6/98
#20. "Too Close" by NEXT - Leslie 8/6/98
#21. "Inside Out" by Eve 6 - Heather 8/6/98
#22. "Damni" by Blink182 - Bret 8/6/98
#23. "One" by U2 Actung Baby - Lauren 8/6/98
#24. "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies - Jessi 8/6/98
#25. "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger - Natalie 8/10/98
#26. "Tearin Up My Heart" by N SYNC - Avita 8/11/98
#27. "Soldier" by hanson - Natalie 8/11/98
#28. "Two tears" by Hanson - Avita 8/12/98
#29. "God Must of Spent a Little More Time on You" by NSYNC
Michelle8/12/98
#30. "This I Know" by INSYDERZ - Liz 8/12/9
#31. "Still The One" by Shania Twain - Peggy 8/12/98
#32. "Love Song for a Saviour"by Jars of Clay-Kirsten8/12/98
#33. "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion - Anne 8/13/98
#34. "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You" by N'Sync
=Amy8/13/98
#35. "Hang" Matchbox20 - Chelsea 8/14/98
#36. "Gone to the Movies" Semisonic - Michelle 8/20/98
#37. "Kate" Ben Folds Five - Kelly 8/20/98
#38. "Shimmer" Fuel - Kelly 8/20/98
#39. "I'll Never Break Your Heart" BSB - Kelly 8/20/98
#40. "Real World" Matchbox20-Rachel 8/28/98
#50. "I Think I Love You" David Cassidy-Rachel 8/28/98
#51. "Drugs Don't Work" The Verve-Rachel 8/28/98
#52. "With You In Your hanson sucks 8/28/98
#53. "Playaz Anthem" -Junior Mafia- Tony 8/29/98
#54. "I can love you like that" ~All-4-One~ Valerie 8/29/98
#55. "I Will Remember You"Sarah McLachlan-Ashleigh 8-29-98
#56. "Radio Friendly Unit Shifter" ~NIRVANA~ Joe 8-29-98
#57. "Trust" ~Megadeth~ Karlie 8-31-98
#58. "All in the family"~KoRn~ Chris ~ 9~1~98
#59. "Money "~PinK FloYd~Chris~9~1~98
#60. "Intergalactic"~Beastie boys~Kasey 8*31*98
#61. "One week"~Barenaked Ladies~9-1-98~April
#62. "I dont Want to Missa Thing"~Aerosmith~9-2-98~Pete
#63. "Surfin' USA" beach boys~9-2-98~ JIMi thing
#64. "Ants marching" Dave Matthews band~9-3-98
#65. "Intergalactic" Beastie Boys 9-4-98~Adrianne
#66. "Song2" Blur 9-13-98 Andrew
#67. "Lullaby" Shawn Mullens 9-13-98
#68. "What's This Life For?" CREED!! Silas 09/14/98
#69. "make em say uh"...Master P lAuReN* 9/15/98
#70. "i don't want to miss a thing"~Aerosmith``Kate 9-16-98
#71. "I Dont Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith Jenner 9/17/98
#72. "Du Hast" bye Rammestein . NIck9/17/98
#73. "I'll be" by Edwin McCain... Kate 9.18.98
#74. "Crash" by DMB!!Johnny 9-18-98
#75. "Inside Out" by Eve 6...Amy 9-18-98
#76. "Long Way Down-- The Goo Goo Dolls!!Tim 9-19-98
#77. "NOVEMBER RAIN"--By Guns N Roses. Mike L. 9-19-98
#78. "How's it Gonna Be?" ~Third Eye Blind Jen 9-20-98
#79. "Fastest Horse in a One Horse Town"......StacyG...9-21-98
#80. "Blind" by Jars of Clay, or.*Beth* 9.21.98
#81. "When You Say Nothing At All" Alison Krauss..Ellen.9/23/98
#82. "Angel" ~Sarah McLaughlin.. :(...Carrie 9/24/98
#83. "I'll never break your hearT" by BSB Kerry 9/25/98
#84. "I Alone" by LIVE andTrevor 9/26/98
#85. "Lemon Parade" by Tonic.Sara 9/28/98
#86. "My Way" by Usher..Jennifer 9/28/98
#87. "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion Ris=EB 9/28/98
#88. " Along the Way"by Bad Religion......Sarah 9/28/98
#89. "Brown-eyed Girl"~ Van Morrison..........Stephanie 9/28/98
#90. "blossom" ~ candlebox -- Anell -- 9/28/98
#91. "are you that somebody"- allyah,...Rhett 9-28
#92. "Crash"-Dave Matthews Band -Ryan Brooks 9/28/98
#93. "Iris"-Goo Goo Dolls~t KaseyWeimer~9/29/98
#94. "I love you baby"-Lauren Hill~Samantha Miller~9/30/98
#95. "For the benefit of Mr. kite" -the Beatles~!!!
#96. "any thing by buffalotom >>
#97. "Looking at me - MA$E ~Brendan Albrecht 9-30-98
#98. "Hows it going down?" DMX ~*Ashley Langford*~ 9-30-98
#99. "Theres your Trouble" Dixie Chics- Mary Rhodes 10-3-98
#100. "A.D.I.D.A.S." ~~KORN~~*Van D.10-3-98
#101. "Unforgiven II" Metallica*Van D. 10-3-98
#102. "Let Er' Rip" By the Dixie Chicks Charles 10-5-98
#103. "I'm So Into You" by Tamia Sloan 10-7-98
#104. "I Will Wait" by Hootie and the Blowfish Erin 10-8-98
#105. "All I Have to Give" by the Backstreet Boys. Kelly 10-8-98
#106. "Du Hast" By Rammstien, . Krissy 10-10-98
#107. "Sailing" 'N sYnc....Carrie~*~ 10-10-98
#108. "Friends in Low Places"...by Garth Brooks...CDS...10-11-98
#109. "Shake Your Booty"...byBakufu...Will Tragert ...10-11-98
#110. "#36"...By Dave Matthews Band..Will...10-11-98
#111. "Shimmer"by Fuel...Jamie...10-11-98
#112. "Foolish Games" by Jewel.....Jennifer.... 10-11-98
#113. "Patience" by Guns & Roses***Alison***10-12-98
#114. "Fishheads" by Barnes and Barnes -- Yogi U. -- 10/12/98
#115. "All For Love" by Sting, Bryan Adams, Rob Steward...Crow 10/13/98
#116. "Stairway To Heaven" by Led Zepplin .... The Wolfman 10/20/98
#117. "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton... geo.... 10/22/98
#118. "I Could Change The World" by
EricClapton.........BLUE(bluehoriz)10/24/98
#119. "Everything I do I do it for you" by Bryan Adams Krista 10/24/98
#120. "Jimi Thing" by DAVE MATTHEWS BAND....Lisa 10/25/98
#121. "Save Yourself" by Jimi's Chicken Shak....Lisa 10/25/98
#122. "Fly" by Offspring....Lisa 10/25/98
#123. "High" by Feeder....Ken 10/28/98
#124. "Best of What's Around"...Dave Matthews Band... Erin 10/28/98
#125. "Lie in Our Graves"..Dave Matthews Band..Kristin 10/28/98
#126. "Shimmer".....Fuel.....Kendra 10/29/98
#127. "Insideout"...Eve6....Erin 10/29/98
#128. "Never There"...Cake...Jae 29.Oct.98
#129. "Sweet Caroline...." by Neil Diamond -- Caroline (10/30/98)
#130. "Because of you"....98*---sARAH 10/31/98
#131. "Purpose"........311........Dan 11/3/98
#132. "Crash".......DAVE MATTHEWS BAND.....Jen 11/3/98
#133. "Stay"......DaVe MaTtHeWs BaNd......Chrissy 11/3/98
#134. "#41".......Dave Matthews Band........Pouy 11/3/98
#135. "Freshmen"...... The Verve Pipe.... Mags:o)... 11/3/98
#136. "Horny"....Hot N' Juicy...K8R...11/3/98 >>
#137. "Free Falling" Tom Petty...Megan...11/4/98
#138. "Save Tonight" Eagle Eye Cherry....Cassie...11/4/98
#139. "Tripping Billies" Dave Matthews Band...ALISON...11/5/98
#140. "Don't Laugh at Me" Mark Wills...Travis...11/5/98
#141. "Hotel California" The Eagles.....Erin Bain...11/5/98
#142. "Never Is a Promise" Fiona Apple.......Whitney.......11/8/98
#143 "Down Under" Fighting Gravity (yeah, that toto song) Jamie
11/8/98
#144 "Building Berlin" by ANCHOR, Jason A. 11/9/98 (awesome)
#145 "Ain't No Fun (If The Homies Can't Have None)" by Snoop Doggy
Dogg, Aaron C. 11/9/98
#146 "Father of Mine" by: Everclear; Katie T. 11/9/98
#147 "Oh Where is my Hairbrush?" by: VegieTales; Andrea 11/12/98
#148 "HAIL, HAIL" BY: pearl jam ; Will 11/14/98
#149 "Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space" by
#150 "Kate Is Great" by The Bouncing Souls ~Kelleigh~ 11/14/98
#151 Maladjusted by Morrissey * Mark* 11/14/98
#152 Is It Wicked Not To Care? by Belle and Sebastian. Amanda 11/14/98
#153 Animal Nitrate by Suede. Justin 11/15/98
#154 Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead 11/16/98
#155 "Crush" DMB ~Kelley~ 11/16/98
#156 "slide" goo goo dolls......*Leslie* 11-16-98
#158 " Life Is a Lemon and I Want My Money Back"- Meat
Laof....~Megan~11-16-98
#159 " Scenes from an Italian Restaraunt " ~ by Billy Joel ~Jessica
#160 "Lately"-Devine~~~Christine~~~ 11/23/98
#161 " Just the 2 of Us "-Will Smith ~~~ JOHN ~~~ 11/24/98
#162 "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On U"- N*SYNC
~Beth~11-24-98
#163 " Fuck My Car" - Too $hort ~*~Ciara~*~ 11-24-98
#164 "Clown" - KoRn - Courtney - 11-25-98
#165 "One" - Metallica - Courtney - 11-25-98
#166 "Come out and Play" - Offspring - Claire Bear - 11-25-98
#167 "Sandman" - Metallica - Claire Bear- 11-25-98
#168-"pretty fly(for a white guy)"-OFFSPRING-jenni-11-26-98
happythanxgiving!
#169 "All in the family"-korn tiffany 11/29/98
#170 "Blind"-korn tiffany 11/29/98
#171 "Du Hast"- rammstein serina 11/29/98
#172 "Viva Forever" - Spiceworld - Spice Girls
Jessica 11/29/98
#173 "Have You Ever"-BRANDY-Diana 11/29/98
#174 "Anywhere For you" BSB ~ Heather 11/29/98
#175 "Wannabe"-Spice Girls ~ ALLISON 11/29/98
#176 "C.R.E.A.M."-Wu-Tang ~ Teague 11/30/98
#177 "Dimelo" ~~~Voices of Theory~~~ DoRiAn 11/30/98
#178 "Singing Winds, Crying Beasts" SANTANA!!!!!!!!!! lz-rd 11.30.98
#179 "Shanti Ashangi"(sp?) Madonna lz-rd 11.30.98
#180 "Say It"-Voices of Theory MARLA 11/30/98
#181 "Dopeman"---Less Than Jake---11/30/98
On-Line Language
_O-) = Aquanaut
:=8) = Baboon
@:-] = Baby
=:-) = Bad hair day
(:-) = Bald
:o) = Boxer's nose
*:o) = Bozo the Clown
:-{#} = Braces
:-E = Bucktoothed Vampire
:-F = Bucktoothed Vampire with one tooth missing
cl:-= = Charlie Chaplin
C=:-) = Chef
%-) = Cross-eyed
O-) = Cyclops
#-) = Dead
<:-) = Dunce's hat
}:-> = The Devil
:-[ = Dracula
:-3 = Has eaten a lemon
<<<<(:-) = Hat salesman
(-: = Left-handed smiley
8:-) = Little girl
:-{} = Lipstick
:-.) = Madonna or Marilyn Monroe
(8-o = Mr. Bill
:<) or :-{ = Moustache
.-) = One-eyed
:@) = Pig
:-? = Pipe smoker
P-) = Pirate
K:P = Propeller beenie
=:-I = Punk Rocker
[:] = Robot
*<-:-{{{ = Santa
*<;{o> = Santa
(:)-) = Scuba-diving
.^) = Side view
:-Q = Smoking
?-( = Sorry, I don't know what went wrong
%-) = Stared too long at monitor
B:-) = Sunglasses on head
8-) = Swimmer
=|:-)= = Uncle Sam or Abe Lincoln
X-) = Unconscious
[:-) = Wearing a Walkman
{:-) = Wig
0:) or 0:-) = Angel
:II or :-II = Angry
:@ or :-@ = Angry or screaming
>:-( = Angry, annoyed
|-I = Asleep
;)=) or ;-)=)= Big grin
:1 or :-1 = Bland face
:o or :-o = Bored
:c or :-c = Bummed out
:'( or :'-)= Crying/sad
:> or :-> = Devilish grin
:6 or :-6 = Eating something sour
}) or }-) = Evil
:] or :-] = Friendly
:( or :-( = Frowning
:/ or :-/ = Frustrated
8) or 8-) = Glasses
:D or :-D = Grinning
{ } = Hug
:*) or :-*) = Kiss
:x or :-x = Kissing
:))) or :-))) = Laughing or double chin
:.) or :.-) = Laughing tears
:$ or :-$ = Mouth wired shut
:X or :-X = Mute
:l or :-I = Not talking
:Y or :-Y = Quiet aside
:[ or :-[ = Real downer
:< or :-< = Sad
:> or:-> = Sarcastic
B) or B-) = Shades
=:) or =:-) = Shocked
:Z or :-Z = Sleeping
:) or :-) = Smiling
:O or :-O = Surprised
:() or :-() = Talking
:P or :-P = Tongue out
:& or :-& = Tongue-tied
I) or I-) = Trekkie
:^( = Unhappy, looking away
;) or ;-)= Winking
:} or :-} = Wry smile
2U2 = To You, Too
AAMOF = As A Matter Of Fact
AFAIK = As Far As I Know
AFAIC = As Far As I'm Concerned
AFAICT = As Far As I Can Tell
AFK = Away From Keyboard
ASAP = As Soon As Possible
BAK = Back At Keyboard
BBL = Be Back Later
BITMT = But In The Meantime
BOT = Back On Topic
BRB = Be Right Back
BTW = By the way
C4N = Ciao For Now
CRS = Can't Remember "Stuff"
CU = See You
CUL(8R) = See You Later
CWOT = Complete Waste Of Time
CYA = See Ya
DITYID = Did I Tell You I'm Distressed?
DIY = Do It Yourself
EOD = End Of Discussion
EZ = Easy
F2F = Face To Face
FAQ = Frequently Asked Questions
FBOW = For Better Or Worse
FOAF = Friend Of A Friend
FOCL = Falling Off Chair Laughing
FWIW = For What It's Worth
FYA = For Your Amusement
FYI = For Your Information
/ga = Go Ahead
GAL = Get A Life
GBTW = Get Back To Work
GFC = Going For Coffee
GFETE = Grinning From Ear To Ear
GMTA = Great minds think alike
GR&D = Grinning, Running & Ducking
GTG = Got To Go
GTGTTBR = Got To Go To The Bathroom
GTRM = Going To Read Mail
HAND = Have A Nice Day
HHOK = Ha Ha Only Kidding
HTH = Hope This Helps
IAC = In Any Case
IAE = In Any Event
IC = I See
IDGI = I Don't Get It
IMCO = In My Considered Opinion
IMHO = In my humble opinion
IMNSHO = in My Not So Humble Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IMPE = In My Previous/Personal Experience
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
IOTTMCO = Intuitively Obvious To The Most Casual Observer
IOW = In Other Words
IRL = In Real Life
ISP = Internet Service Provider
IYKWIM = If You Know What I Mean
JIC = Just In Case
J/K = Just kidding
KISS = Keep It Simple Stupid
L8TR = Later
LD = Later dude
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
LTNS = Long Time No See
MorF = Male or Female, or person who asks that question
MTCW = My Two Cents Worth
NRN = No Reply Necessary
ONNA = Oh No, Not Again!
OTOH = On The Other Hand OTTOMH = Off the top of my head
OIC = Oh I See
OTF = On The Floor
OLL = Online Love
PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PLS = Please
PU = That Stinks!
REHI = Hello Again (re-Hi!)
ROFL = Rolling On Floor Laughing
ROTF = Rolling On The Floor
ROTFL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing
RSN = Real Soon Now
RTDox = Read The Documentation/Directions
RTFM = Read The Frickin' Manual
RUOK = Are You OK?
SNAFU = Situation Normal; All Fouled Up
SO = Significant Other
SOL = Smiling Out Loud (or You're Out of Luck)
TANSTAAFL = There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch
TAFN = That's All For Now
TEOTWAWKI - The End Of The World As We Know It
THX = Thanks
TIA = Thanks In Advance
TLK2UL8R = Talk to you later
TMK = To My Knowledge
TOS = Terms Of Service
TPTB = The Powers That Be
TSWC = Tell Someone Who Cares
TTBOMK = To The Best Of My Knowledge
TTFN = Ta-Ta For Now
TTYL(8R) = Talk To You Later
TWIMC = To Whom It May Concern
Txs = Thanks
URL = Web Page Address
w/b = Welcome Back
w/o = Without
WRT = With Regard To
WTG = Way To Go
WU? = What's Up?
WWW = World Wide Web
WYSIWYG = What You See Is What You Get
Y2K = Year 2000
YGIAGAM = Your Guess Is As Good As Mine
YGWYPF = You Get What You Pay For
YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary
ZZZ = Sleeping
On the Differences Between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship;
maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation
that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the
way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are
we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are
we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even
know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's
see....February when we started going out, which was right after I had
the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer
...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent
thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't
help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their
....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place,
he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes
deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses
of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in
the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This
is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
One Dime..........
The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a
poor job of keeping out the cold. Bobby had been in his backyard for
about an hour already. Try as he might, he could not come up with an
idea for his mother's Christmas gift. He shook his head as he thought,
"This is useless, even if I do come up with an idea, I don't have any
money to spend." Ever since his father had passed away three years ago,
the family of five had struggled. It wasn't because his mother didn't
care, or try, there just never seemed to be enough. She worked nights at
the hospital, but the small wage that she was earning could only be
stretched so far. What the family lacked in money and material things,
they more than made up for in love and family unity. Bobby had two older
and one younger sister, who ran the household in their mother's absence.
All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their
mother. Somehow it just wasn't fair. Here it was Christmas Eve
already, and he had nothing. Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked
the snow and started to walk down to the street where the shops and
stores were. It wasn't easy being six without a father, especially when
he needed a man to talk to. Bobby walked from shop to shop, looking
into each decorated window. Everything seemed so beautiful and so out
of reach. He knew it was time to head home when suddenly his eyes caught
the glimmer of the setting sun's rays reflecting off of something along
the curb. He reached down and discovered a shiny dime. Never before had
anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at that moment. As he held his new
found treasure, a warmth spread throughout his entire body and he walked
into the first store he saw. His excitement quickly turned cold when
sales person after sales person told him that he could not buy anything
with only a dime.
He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line. When the
shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the dime and
asked if he could buy one flower for his mother's Christmas gift. The
shop owner looked at Bobby and his ten cent offering. Then he put his
hand on Bobby's shoulder and said to him, "You just wait here and I'll
see what I can do for you." As Bobby waited, he looked at the beautiful
flowers and even though he was a boy , he could see why mothers and
girls liked flowers. The sound of the door closing as the last customer
left, jolted Bobby back to reality. All alone in the shop, Bobby began
to feel alone and afraid. Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to
the counter. There, before Bobby's eyes, lay twelve long stem, red
roses, with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all tied together
with a big silver bow. Bobby's heart sank as the owner picked them up
and placed them gently into a long white box.
"That will be ten cents young man." the shop owner said reaching
out his hand for the dime. Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man
his dime. Could this be true? No one else would give him a thing for
his dime!
Sensing the boy's reluctance, the shop owner added, "I just
happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you
like them?" This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed
the long box into his hands, he knew it was true. Walking out the door
that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say,
"Merry Christmas, son." As he returned inside, the shop keepers wife
walked out. "Who were you talking to back there and where are the roses
you were fixing?" Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from
his own eyes, he replied, "A strange thing happened to me this morning.
While I was setting up things to open the shop, I thought I heard a
voice telling me to set aside a dozen of my best roses for a special
gift. I wasn't sure at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but
I set them aside anyway. Then just a few minutes ago, a little boy came
into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his mother with one small
dime. When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too was a
poor boy with nothing to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man,
whom I never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted
to give me ten dollars. When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew who
that voice was, and I put together a dozen of my very best roses. "
The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly, and they
stepped out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn't feel cold at all.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery
Death is hereditary
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once
Dyslexics of the world - untie!
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film
There's no future in time travel
Tonight's weather - dark with continued darkness until dawn
Boycott shampoo - Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand
There's an exception to every rule, except this one
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off
Polynesia - memory loss in parrots
Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
A good pun is it's own reword
I used to be indecisive - now I'm not sure
I'm writing a book - I've got the page numbers done
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain
O N E L I N E R S F R O M W O M E N
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. [Dolly Parton]
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me
she was in labour for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good
for 36 hours. [Rita Rudner]
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. [Rita Rudner]
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy Liebman]
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma
Bombeck]
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne
Barr]
9. I think -- therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]
10. "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country." [Elayne Boosler]
11. "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon Pearson]
12. "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda Radner]
13. "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done,
ask a woman." [Margaret Thatcher]
14. "If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose
Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary."
[Margaret Atwood]
15. "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career." [Gloria Steinhem]
16. "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." [Gloria Steinhem]
17. "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every
morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at
night." [Marie Corelli]
18. "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." [Baroness Edith
Summerskill]
19. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" [Linda
Ellerbee]
20. "I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
[Zsa Zsa Gabor]
Only in America . . .
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance!
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink!
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the
way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions!
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a
large fry, and a diet coke!
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters!
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and leave useless pieces of shit in the garage!
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight!
Only in America...do we use the word "Politics" to describe
the process so well. "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood~sucking creatures!"
Only in America do we have drive~up ATM machines with
Braille lettering!
Send this to:
0~5 people~ U will have bad luck in dating for the rest of your
life...(and, it also means u have no friends if u can only send
this to less that five people!)
6~11 people~ Ur crush will notice u.
12~19 people~ Ur crush will ask u out in a very sexy way!
20~30 people~ Ur new boyfriend/girlfriend will french u.
31~40 people~ Ur boyfriend/girlfriend and u will really make
out at a party!
41~50 people~ U and ur boyfriend/girlfriend will be at 3rd
base!
51~100 people~ U and ur boyfriend/girlfriend will at home
plate!!
Only in California
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on
exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving
school
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
a the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for
drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you
could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
These are extremely mean and offense.
So if you don't like these aren't nice well duh
Oops i did you again
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I think I did you again
I made you believe we're more than just friends
Oh baby
It might seem like a crush
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious
'Cause to lose my virginity
That is just so typically me
Oh baby, baby
Chorus:
Oops!...I did you again
I played with you, got lost in the sheets
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm a whore
That I'm sent from above
I am that innocent
You see my problem is this
I'm dreaming away
Wishing that your dick, truly exist
I cry, watching the days
Can't you see I need your dick in so many ways
But to lose my virginity
That is just so typically me
Baby, oh
Chorus:
Oops!...I did you again
I played with you, got lost in the sheets
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm a whore
That I'm sent from above
I am that innocent
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
"All aboard"
"Britney, before you go, there's something I want you to do"
"Oh, I already have, but wait a minute, isn't this...?"
"Yeah, yes it is"
"But I thought we used this in bed"
"Well baby, I told you that to you so you would get in bed with me"
"Oh, you shouldn't have"
Oops!...I did you again
Got lost in the sheets, oh baby
Oops!...You think that I'm a whore
sent from above
I am that innocent
Chorus:
Oops!...I did you again
I played with you, got lost in the sheets
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm a whore
That I'm sent from above
I am that innocent
Chorus:
Oops!...I did you again
I played with your heart, got lost in the sheets
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm a whore
That I'm sent from above
I am that innocent
Now don't you think those lycris are so much better than the original??
Send this to every one you know and see what they say.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on
lack of sleep and too much pressure from my
job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of the USA is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves
48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the
federal government, leaving 19 million to do
the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people
who work for State and City Governments and
that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people
in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
Owed too a Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
sending out 50 billion fucking chain letter forwards sent to me by
people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year
old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke
from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and
took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography
web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch
of bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out
there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail
forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my
apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain
which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country
by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year
2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest
continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to
forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen
all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor,
wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from
some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own
unpopularity.
P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons.
1. Has to work hard.
2. Has to work at great depths.
3. Has to work upside down.
4. Has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment.
5. Has to work in a high humidity environment.
6. Has to work at high temperatures.
7. Does not get weekends and holidays off.
8. Does not get time off after extra hours of work.
Management Reply.
Request denied for the following reasons.
1. Does not work 8 hours straight during any work period.
2. Does not answer immediately to all requests.
3. Co-workers often unsatisfied by job performance.
4. After a short activity period, falls asleep.
5. Shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace.
6. Works better alone than with others.
7. Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
8. Sometimes leaves work too early.
Penis Statistics
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1 inches
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop:10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising,
lose weight.
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole
grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2
weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds (WHO TIMES THIS & HOW?)
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation) (Most born
only to die miserable deaths afterwards in open air).
Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say
that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or
fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen
after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. ACIDIC FRUITS AND
ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE.
Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt
Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (Drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice,
chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie (happy thanksgiving!)
Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower (yep, noticed that!)
It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an
A.M. erection
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode
if he doesn't have sex, is totally false. (HA....WOMEN KNOW THIS ALREADY)
**************************************************************
Internal Revenue Service
**************************************************************
To: All Male Employees From: I.R.S Service Center
RE: Notice of increase in tax payments
The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is
due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20%
of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the
time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are
both nuts.
Effective January 1, 1997 your penis will be taxed according to size.
The categories are as follows:
10 - 12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00
8 - 10 Pole Tax 25.00
5 - 8 Privilege Tax 15.00
4 - 5 Nuisance Tax 3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
I.R.S
THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM
ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but
more of a definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."
11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts,
the better."
THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS
OR OERS (OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS).
1. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
2. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't
watching."3. "A room temperature IQ."
4. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
it all together."
5. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."
6. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued
on."7. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
8. "Bright as Alaska in December."
9. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
10. "Donated his body to science before he was done using
it."11. "Fell out of the family tree."
12. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."
13. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."
14. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
15. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
16. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week."
17. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."
18. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean."
19. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other
sperm."20. "One neuron short of a synapse."
21. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."22. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
23. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
real ads.
Women Seeking Men
Me: buxom blonde with blue eyes. You: elderly, marriage-minded millionaire
with bad heart.
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make
them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time
on your hands? Call me.
Lonely Christan woman has not sung Glory Hallelujah in a long time. Write
soon!
Cute guy with snowplow sought by head-turnin', zany, brainy, late-30s babe
to share happy time in the big driveway of love. A rake for springtime a
big plus!
Coldhearted, insensitive, unconscionable, selfish, hedonistic drunk liar
seeks next gullible male without enough sense to stay away from me.
Gorgeous blonde model, tired of being patronized. Looking for single
understanding man. Must be willing to listen to stories of alien abduction.
Men Seeking Women
Mentally ill? Are you restrained in a straight-jacket? Do you think you're
a
chicken? Did you kill and eat your last boyfriend? I don't mind. This
tall, educated, professional SWM would like to meet an interesting woman.
I drink a lot of beer, smoke a lot of cigars, and watch football nonstop
from September to January. I seek a women, 18-32 to share this with.
If it takes a three-legged elephant with one tusk 5 days to cross the Sahara
Desert, how many times do I have to put an in to get one call?
Award-winning poet, 27 yrs., seeks short-term, intense, doomed relationship
for inspiration. Must be attractive, articulate, sensual, ruthless, 21-30
yrs., under 5'6''. Break my heart. Please.
Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair
fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for
long talks about the macabre.
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR IN A KENTUCKY HOME
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!)
1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and
tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
OR:
I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle
of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in
case they say "yes."]
4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table
and take what I want?
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and
spread the word.
8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
floor tomorrow morning.
10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set
of buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?"
Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.
16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing
that pops up?
25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So... How am I doin'?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet
clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I
talk you out of it?
31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
35. (regard their outfit) Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore
me, I'd be coming on you too.
YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving this
letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must
make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no
money. Send copies to people who need to GET LAID within 96 hours.
The Pillsbury Doughboy -- dead at 71.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died
yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from
repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried
in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend,
Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a
man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very
smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model
for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play
Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
~~~ Creative Pizza orders ~~~
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable. "10-4 Good Buddy!"
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give your address and exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
11. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
12. Stutter on the letter "p."
13. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's,
ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) INSIST they have it.
14. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
15. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay,
that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
16. Ask if you could just rent a pizza.
17. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
sigh of relief.
18. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long
"i" sound.
19. Ask to have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
20. When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? You mean now?"
21. Say it's your friend's birthday and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your friend to arrive so you can surprise
him/her.
22. Ask if the delivery person could first bring you a menu.
23. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
24. Order two toppings, then say, "No, that won't work. They'll start
fighting."
25. Tell the order taker, to tell the manager, to tell his supervisor he's
fired.
26. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
27. Try to talk while drinking something.
28. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
29. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.
30. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up
a description to go with the term. Ask to have your pizza "spanked".
31. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
32. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
33. Put them on hold.
34. Tell the order taker that you will have to give him your order in
secret code.
35. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. At the end of your order,
say, "No mushrooms, please."
36. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it,
do you?"
37. When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
hate math."
38. Haggle for a better price on your pizza.
39. Order a four-inch pizza.
40. Ask if any dolphins had to be killed to make your pizza.
41. Tell them that you don't have any money, but could swap them a piece
of your furniture for a pizza.
42. Order a steamed pizza.
43. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in
your best pouty voice, "The last guy let me do it."
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small
two-seater Cssna "152" crashed into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers
have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the evening.
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that
experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and explains
that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face
lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has
someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got
another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and
complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years.
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
You have just been infected with the Polish virus!!
What is the Polish virus you ask? Here is the
explanation that I received with it:
> >The Polish Virus
> >
> > You have just received the "Polish Virus"........
> >
> >
> >
> >Since we don't have any programming experience,
> >this virus works on the honor system.
> >
> >Please delete all the files from your hard drive,
> >
> >and manually forward this virus to everyone on your
> >mailing list.
> >
> >Thank You
PC ethnic jokes.
(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person
belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed
stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent
with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to
make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his
membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a
remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be
interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other
meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular
ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted
in a stereotypical way!
(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
to perform a particular menial activity?
A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the
rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried
Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the
daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day
our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the
Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change
the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen Holy Father. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars
if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily
bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many
charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't
change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the
Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Holiness. If you change
the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us our daily bread to 'Give us this
day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you ."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I
have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is
going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news.Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope
replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Pre-Coital Agreement
First Edition
Pre-nuptial agreements seem to be fashionable in Hollywood at the moment.
So this is intended for young people, wanting to jump on the bandwagon,
about to begin a sexual relationship with each other.
Insert information and tick boxes where applicable
Section 1- To be completed by the boy concerned
I, (insert here boy's name) do solemnly swear that I sincerely want to
shag (insert here girl's name).
[ ] I will not try to take things too fast
[ ] I will not say "I love you" to get an easy lay (also applies to
"you're so beautiful" and "you are really special")
[ ] I know what foreplay is
[ ] I may actually consider foreplay
[ ] I will try not to act like an overenthusiastic pneumatic drill
[ ] I will wear protection (and that doesn't mean a cycle helmet)
[ ] I will not wear my socks
[ ] I will not dump the goods and scarper
[ ] I will attempt to make conversation afterwards
[ ] I will not fall asleep just because mr monkey has
[ ] I will not boast to my friends... much
[ ] I will not exaggerate my stamina when recounting the incident
[ ] I will not make lewd remarks referring to the physical structure of
the aforesaid girl.
[ ] I will make not make any comment including the words "like humping a
hippopotamus"
[ ] I will not mention the girl's in/ability to climax
[ ] I will not recommend her to a friend
[ ] I will not dump the girl when I have been satisfied
Section 2- to be completed by the girl concerned
I, (insert here girl's name) do solemnly swear that I sincerely want to
shag (insert here boy's name).
[ ] I will not say no and mean yes
[ ] I will not say yes and mean no
[ ] I will not tell my mom of my intentions
[ ] I will not giggle when I first see him naked
[ ] I will not accidentally on purpose oops! forget to take the pill that
day, and end up with a lovely sweet chubby milky baby with those cute
little fingers, and don't you just love the way they smile at you, and the
way...
[ ] I will not pretend to be asleep if I don't feel like it
[ ] I will not back out at the last minute, after firing him up on all
cylinders, without a really good reason
[ ] I will not laugh too much if he starts thinking he's Austin Powers and
shouts " Yeah baby, yeah. You want me, don't you? I make you horny, don't
I?"
[ ] I will not fake an orgasm... unless he wants me to
[ ] I will be responsive, and avoid lying there thinking about shopping
[ ] I will not say "was that it?"
[ ] I will not persist too much if he has come off and I haven't
[ ] I will not be too emotional afterwards
[ ] I will not call my friends up straight away afterward
[ ] I will make sure my friends don't giggle whenever he walks past
[ ] I will not diminish his anatomy in my retelling of the tale
[ ] I will tell everyone how great he was... loudly
Section 3-For the couple to complete together
We both agree the purpose of this shag is
[ ] purely physical sensation
[ ] an expression of our love for one another
[ ] a bet
[ ] We will not do it in our parents bed
[ ] We will be careful about where we put the condom afterwards
[ ] We will make sure no one can see us whilst we're getting busy
We both understand that sex does not mean
[ ] love
[ ] possesion
[ ] marriage
[ ] nothing
[ ] an excuse to use the other person's credit card
Signed
........................... and ........................
Please send this on, you could make a difference to someone's sex life!
Presidential Anagram
Another point to ponder.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US
President whose name contains all the letters from the
word "criminal."
William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd.
THE PRESSED LEAF
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible
with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he
turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible
and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was
an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in
between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy
called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his
mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's
voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"
Prison Vs. School
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your
time in an 8x10 cell.
AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time at
a desk that sticks to your butt
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT SCHOOL you only get a break for 1
meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good
behavior.
AT SCHOOL you get rewarded for good
behavior by being called the teachers pet.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all
the doors for you.
AT SCHOOL u get locked out of your
classroom from the outside
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play
games.
AT SCHOOL you get detention for playing
games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT SCHOOL you have to share and wait
your turn on line.
IN PRISON they allow your family and
friends to visit.
AT SCHOOL you cannot even speak to your
family and friends.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life
looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time
wanting to get out and go inside bars.
~So aren't you happy itz summer~
Send this to:
5 students-Expect a bad school year in September
10 students-Expect a okay school year in September
15 students-Expect a phat ass school year in September!
Hi:
Prof. Sacks was the prof for Math 141 (Mathematical Logic) at Harvard last
year. The class was so laid back it sounds like something out of Hitchhikers.
Sacks also provided us with a few great quotes. It started when he was
summing up what we'd learned about first order logic, and he said
"Now we've seen that you can take the Peano axioms, and make a standard
model for them... you start with one, then you tack on two, and three,
and four, and..." and as he says this, he moves over one step with each
number, `placing' them next to each other, until about ten, at which point
he's reached the door. So he walks out the door and turns the corner,
counting faintly... after a few seconds we hear a "seventeen" wafting down
the hallway, and then a door slam shut. The whole class is cracking up,
and about 20 seconds later he walks back in to the room with "...but we
also know that you can construct a model with numbers bigger than all of
those."
Other various quotes from his more inspired lectures:
Somehow, the price of clarity is complexity. ...Wait, are there any
philosophy students in the room?
Now this theorem I actually am going to prove. You should know that not
one in a hundred logic professors can prove this theorem without preparation.
Now the interesting thing here is that I have not prepared...
(In all fairness, he did in fact prove the theorem...)
This makes sense. This over here, this does *not* make sense. That's
why I called it algebra.
I brought this book today... a wonderful book. Because I wrote it.
...How much do you think this book costs? $60? $70? Nah. $90.
And $130 in Japan.
The depth is the significant aspect of the length.
By "recursion" I mean "defined by recursion".
It goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway... I like to
say things that go without saying.
I was going to say "topology", but I wasn't sure what I meant by that.
Theorem. I'll attribute this to Myhill; I can't imagine who else
would have proven it.
So this element is a smashing witness to the fact that cC is not We.
Set theory. Yaaay, set theory! ...Set theory, as you might guess,
is about sets.
[This satisfies] every axiom which I can think of, and a few more
I'll tell you about next time.
Sacks: Today we're going to do comprehension. What is comprehension?
Student: I dunno
Existence is a cute proof. I don't know what word to use. Neat? Cool?...
Anyway, existence is not obvious.
Of course, we could have introduced recursion theory that way, by
teaching set theory and then restricting ourselves to the finite
ordinals... that would have been insane.
Who knows, maybe this will work.
I hate rigor.
An obscure proof which I managed to present in an obscure way.
Mustowski was always annoyed at me that I misspelled various Polish
names-- his was easy, but some of his friends' were impossible.
By induction...no, not by induction...by nothing, we have that...
Absolute. Absolutely absolute. Absolutely positively definitely absolute!
Good question. Why *do* I want to show they're equal?... I'm
completely confused.
Student: Are we in the middle of a proof?
Sacks: No, this is just another digression.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk I have a work station...
- Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
- I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
- If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what,exactly, is
fog horn made out of?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
- If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next
Kleenex in the box?
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm
in the bathroom.
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of
them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the
other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt
and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have
problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we
take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other
three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire for
sex and I frequently seduce my female patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I
find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I
can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and
often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not
supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret."
PSYCHOLOGY RESEARCH
A very shy guy goes into a tavern and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up
his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy
is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to
his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You
see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?!"
~~~Public Bathroom Fun~~~
~Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I
borrow a highlighter?"
~Say, "Uh Oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that"
~Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily
function noise....
~Say. "Damn, this water's cold."
~Drop a marble and say, "Oh Shit! My Glass Eye!"
~Say, "Hmmmm, I've never seen that color before."
~Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the
toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh Relaxingly.
~Say, "Now how did that get there?"
~Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
~Fill up a squirt bottle with mountain Dew. Squirt it erractically under the stall
walls of your neightbors while yelling...."Whoa! Easy Boy!"
~Say, "Interesting....more floaters than sinkers."
~Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and
drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could
you kick that back over here please?"
~Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't Fall asleep on me."
~Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your
mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and
splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine
alfredo you had for breakfast.
~Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
~Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I
gonna do?"
~Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
~Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down you "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall
~Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your
neighbor and say. "Peek-a-boo!"
~Drop a D-Cup Bra on the floor under that stall wall and sing "Born Free"
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident
of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm Friday. Davidson
will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and
public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch,
he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there
wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess
I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for
sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just
working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?" He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then
looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn... is it
midnight already?"
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by
taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as
the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious
underworld figure, who went by the name of 'Artie".
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was
willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash
on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man
opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that
rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly
agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty
deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce
department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved
hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath
and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice
but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by
hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed
the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the
hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline
declared, In bold print
(keep scrolling down)
(Are you ready for this?......)
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without
her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the
students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote:
"Woman, without her man, is nothing." \
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Please send this to 5 phenomenal women today in
celebration of Women's History Month. If you don't,
nothing bad will happen, but if you do, something good
will: you will boost someone's self-esteem!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Hey everyone... these are some funny names i came across... so if you're having a bad day like me, this should make you laugh. haha... some of them you've probably already heard of but some of them are new and pretty halarious
I. P. Freely
Ima Nass
Paul Zitch
Ura Nass
Mike Rotch
Dick Fitswel
Harry Balsonya
Craven Morehead
Al Coholic
Homer Sexual
Jock Strap
Ivanna Tinkle
Phil Macrevice
Ima Stew Pidas
Mike Hunt
Semour Butts
If you have anymore... add em, hhahahahahah
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is
4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates
built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail
lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building
wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because
that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads
in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their
legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts?
Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had
to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons.
Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were
all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you
are handed a specification and wonder which horse's rear came up
with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war
chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of
two war-horses.
And now, the twist to the story...
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges
and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its
launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides
of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who
designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter,
but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a
tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the
railroad track is about as wide as two horses behinds.
So, the major design feature of what is arguably the
world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the
width of a Horse's ass!
Raising a Puppy
Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants.
Don't steal food or underpants.
Don't eat my socks, don't grab my hair!
Don't rip the stuffing from the chair.
Don't chew my shoes, WHAT is this mush!?
Eat your cookies, drink your drink,
Outta the toilet! Outta the sink!
Away from the litterbox, it's for the cat.
Must you kiss me after that?
Raising a puppy is not for the lazy,
Those rugrats are funny but also quite crazy.
Don't despair through the toil and the strife,
'Cause after three years, you'll get back your life.
So let's go for walkies, so you can do your "thing."
And maybe I'll get back my good diamond ring!
Hmmmmm... More from our Random Thought department
(if we have a thought is has got to be random)
Dyslexics have more fnu
Clones are people, two
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
I don't have anything but I'll give you half
One good turn ..... Gets most of the blankets
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
My reality check just bounced
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
Randy the Rooster
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants
chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks
if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this
great rooster, named Randy; "he'll service every chicken
you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes
Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the
rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a
lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the
hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails
every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is
just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock
of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is
jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster
won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed
and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob
in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The
farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes
his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I
tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."
Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying
overhead and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
OLYMPIA, WA--In their opening statement before jurors Monday, defense
attorneys representing Pacific North Construction & Lumber Corp. argued that
their client was not at fault for the July 1997 rape of 30,000 acres of virgin
forest, claiming that the forest led the development company on with "an eager
and blatant display of its rich, fertile bounty."
"While, obviously, it is extremely unfortunate that this forest was raped, it
should have known better than to show off its lush greenery and tall, strong trees
in the presence of my client if it didn't want anything to happen," said lead
defense attorney Dennis Schickle, speaking before a courtroom packed with
members of the media. "It's only natural for any red-blooded American
developer to get ideas in its head when it's presented with that kind of untouched
beauty."
"The bottom line is," Schickle continued, "if you're going to tease and encourage
like that, openly flaunting your abundant natural resources, don't be surprised by
the consequences."
Public opinion regarding the high-profile case, which is being closely watched
by timber-industry lobbyists and victims'rights groups across the U.S., is deeply
divided. While some contend that the forced ravaging of a piece of land until it
is stripped bare is never justifiable under any circumstances, others say that such
an action is understandable if the wooded area gives off mixed signals.
"The Pacific North Construction & Lumber Corp. had every reason to believe
that that forest wanted it bad," said logger Victor Duffy of Chelan, WA. "Just
look at where it was at the time of the incident: It was in a secluded, far-off
place, nearly 25 miles from the nearest road. What were those trees doing in that
kind of remote spot if they weren't looking for trouble?"
Those siding with the timber company also cite the forest's history, claiming that
it has a reputation for being easily exploited.
"Believe me, this is no virgin forest," said Frank Abbate, owner of the
Bellingham-based G&H Consolidated Timber. "It may try to pass itself off as
pristine and untouched, but I know for a fact that it has a long history of
allowing itself to be used by developers."
In his opening statement, defense attorney Schickle also pointed out that when
Pacific North loggers arrived at the forest on the day in question, its floor was
covered in alluring, fragrant flowers that were "clearly meant to attract."
"When a forest drapes itself in flora of every color and scent imaginable, it's
obviously asking for it," Schickle said. "I'm sure the plaintiff will argue that
these radiant flowers were meant to lure pollen-hungry bees, not pulp-hungry
loggers. But how was my client supposed to know this? When was it made clear
that this colorful display was meant to attract one particular species of fauna but
no other? When was it made clear that this forest was looking to satisfy the
needs of bees and bees only?"
Russell Belanger, president of the National Timber And Logging Association,
agreed. "This forest made it seem like it wanted it, then cried environmental rape
when it got it," he said. "At some point, we've got to start asking ourselves who
the real victim is in these cases: our nation's promiscuous, manipulative forests,
or the good, decent developers out there who are just trying to make an honest
living razing the land."
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Here are the best headlines of the year (yes, they are real)...
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
40. Farmer Bill Dies in House
41. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
42. Stud Tires Out
43. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
44. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
45. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
46. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
47. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
48. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
49. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
50. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
51. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
52. Air Head Fired
53. Steals Clock, Faces Time
54. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
55. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
56. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
57. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
58. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Real Instructions
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods:
On a Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be .. how??)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(!!!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
printed on the bottom of the box)--Do not
turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure???)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time???)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce work related accidents if we
just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
("only"; As opposed to outer space or underground)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Hmmmm, now I'm curious)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(no comment)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(what is going on here?)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(as if you try to stop *anything* with
your genitals-clearly my favorite of the list)
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Read those Labels !
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters, and were
printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Forbes magazine.
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet
progroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions."
5. Reason for leaving last job: "Maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was was working for my mom until she decided to
move."
10. Marital Status: "Single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs . . . Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store."
16. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-
hopping.' I have never quit a job."
17. Marital Status: "Often." Children: "Various"
18. Personal Interests: "Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so
far."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three
previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. References: "None. I've left a path of destruction behind
me."
These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."
9. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the
better."
These are actual lines from military performance appraisals.
1. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full sixpack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
4. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
8. He so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
11. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved
by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent
epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol
kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link
between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains
why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married,
most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious
alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they
achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we
should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint!
Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't
deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be
all that you can be!
Reasons for Not Doing Your Math Homework
I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
It's Isaac Newton's birthday.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
DIRECTIONS :
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
send this to
0 ppl - ur love life will be shit
8 ppl - u will have a sweet LuRvE LiFe! (and good sex)
8 or more ppl - u wil find the PeRfEcT lUrVe!
If nothing else, this is a beatuiful thought of how love should be.
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine", like all the years before.
Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.
A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?
"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.
The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance.
There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago.
Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.
I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife.
You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.
When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still.
Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock.
He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again.
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend; Someone who changes
your
life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you
can't stop; Someone who makes you believe that there really is good
in
the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked
door just waiting for you to open it. This is Forever Friendship.
_----- _
// __ \\--,
,\ //@))\ || /
\\ \ // \//
\\__\||___/
\\ -,
,__'\\' /' \
\ \\/ \
' --_||__---'
\\
'||
||'
||'
\\
This is the sacred RED ROSE. You MUST pass this rose on to at least
5 people within the hour of receiving this rose. After you do, make
a wish. If you have passed it on, your wish will come true and love
will come your way shortly. If not your life will stay the same as it has
always been.(No Threats) just be nice & pass it on...
REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS:
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F**k Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that
inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
___________
* The male perspective on the same issue ...
===========
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
My Resignation:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have
decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year-old
again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a road with
rocks.
I want to think Smarties are better than money because you can eat
them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and make lemonade with my friends on
a hot summer's day.
I want to run around with bare feet all day.
I want to bake cookies and sell them at the gate.
I want to wait for my Dad to come home from work - what is this place
called work?
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew
Were colours, numbers up to ten, (and to count higher meant lifting your
arms above your head), and nursery rhymes.
Not knowing answers didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you
didn't know and you didn't care.
You didn't have to bring home the bacon, and you didn't even have to
eat it if you didn't want to.
You spoke only the truth, didn't care who heard you have a tantrum, and
you cried when it hurt. And when it hurt, someone kissed it better and
put a Band-Aid on it.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all
the things that now make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited about the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of
deadlines, computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news,
how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank,
doctor bills, other bills, gossip, Illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in Father Christmas, the Easter bunny, the tooth
fairy, the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace,
dreams, the imagination, mankind, and flying a kite.
So. Here's my cheque book and my car keys, my office keys, my credit
card bills and all my statements. I am officially resigning from
adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first,
cause...Tag! You're it.
Reversal of the Sexes
Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a
day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing
time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a
vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for
a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America
9. Learn to stare with that-I'm undressing you look.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging
orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how
improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which
occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member
which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a
penis...
1. Get a blow job.
<>-<>-<>-<>
For alternate versions of this letter and info on its origins see: Urban Legends at About.com
<>-<>-<>-<>
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 15th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Rocks
One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a
group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an
illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in
front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said,
"Okay, time for a quiz" and he pulled out a one gallon, wide
mouth mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. He also
produced about a dozen fist sized rocks and carefully placed
them, one at a time, into the jar.
When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit
inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class yelled,
"Yes. "The time management expert replied,"Really?"
He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel.
He dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces
of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between
the big rocks. He then asked the group once more, "Is the jar
full?"
By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of
the men answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the
table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the
sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between
the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question,
"Is this jar full?"
"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good." Then he
grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar
was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked,
"What is the point of this illustration?"
One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no
matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can
always fit some more things in it!"
"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this
illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first,
you'll never get them in at all." What are the "BIG ROCKS"
in your lifetime? Your loved ones, your faith, your education,
your dreams, a worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others?
Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never
get them in at all. So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are
reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question:
What are the 'big rocks' in my life?
Then, put those in your jar FIRST!
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and roomservice, at a hotel in
Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....It
was nominated best email of 1997.
----------------------------
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy
singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once,it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Friends, you and me....
You brought another friend....
And then there were 3....
We started our group....
Our circle of friends....
And like that circle....
There is no beginning or end....
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
It's National Friendship Week.
Show your friends how much you care....
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you,
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU'RE REQUESTED TO SEND IT TO AT LEAST
10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.
RULES OF THE AIR
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
Received from Royce C. Doan.
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work
and productivity from students, it will be our policy
to keep all students well taught through our program of
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any
other school. If you feel that you do not receive your
share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your
lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially
skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can
handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.
S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.
seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took
S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do
S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T.
already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a
job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in
management and consultancy, we will refer you to the
department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION
(M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to
manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions,
please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL
HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(BI.G. S.H.I.T.)
Santa Claus Meets the X-Files
Location: 57 Elm Street, Bethlehem, PA.
11:51 pm, December 24
Mulder: We're too late. Its already been here.
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
Mulder: Look Scully. Just like the other homes. Douglas fir,
truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls
decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney
with care.
Scully: You really think someone's been here?
Mulder: Someone or something.
Scully: Mulder, over here. It's, fruitcake.
Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be deadly.
Scully: It's OK. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's
naughty and nice."
Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity
who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered
servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature
is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and
punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully: But that's legend Mulder. A story told by parents to
frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?
Mulder: Something was here tonight Scully. Check out the bite
marks on this gingerbread man, Whatever tore through this plate
of cookies was massive - and in a hurry.
Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look Mulder, this milk
glass has been completely drained.
Mulder: It gorged itself Scully. It fed without remorse.
Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop
its wilding.
Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors
and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Scully: Wait a minute Mulder. If you are saying some huge
creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney you're
crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get
through there.
Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all
directions?
Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder: Exactly Scully. I've never told anyone this, but when I
was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had
long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head.
Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror.
I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on
the facial features of my father.
Scully: Impossible!
Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It
brought me a Mr. Potato Head. Scully, it knew I wanted a Mr.
Potato Head!
Scully: I'm sorry Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the
laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural
being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little
girls and boys. Listen To what you're saying. Do you
understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the
X-files.
Mulder: Scully, listen to me. It knows when you are sleeping.
It knows when you're awake.
Scully: But we have no proof.
Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes
detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The
White House ordered a Condition Red.
Scully: But that was a meteor shower.
Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian
reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington D.C..
Nobody - not even the zoo keeper - was told about it. The
government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle.
They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public
would stop spending half of its annual income in a holiday
spending frenzy. Retail markets would collapse. Scully, they
cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much
at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to ensure another silent
night.
Scully: Mulder, I ...
Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?
Scully: On the roof. It sounds like a ......a clatter.
Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.
I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth,
but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized,
warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy
could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to
find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the
shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on
to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the
snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all
those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be describe even in jest as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick
up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!
ThInGs GuRLs CaN SaY...
*don't hate me cause im beautiful,
hate me cause ur boyfriend thinks so!*
*east to the sea,
west to the land.
death to the bitch,
who touches my man!*
*if u need a nickel,
i'll give u a dime.
if u need a man,
bitch, don't fuck with mine!*
*roses are red,
violets are blue.
god made me beautiful,
what happened to u?!*
*god created men first
cause u always need a rought draft,
before the masterpiece!*
*god loves stupid peope,
thats why he made so many men!*
*only good gurls go to heaven,
i wasn't invited!*
*sex is like pringles,
once u pop,
u can't stop!*
*children is the dark,
causes accidents.
accidents in the dark,
causes children!*
*i have pms and a gun,
now what were u saying?!*
ThInGs FoR bOiS tO sAy...
*its not the size of the boat,
its the motion of the ocean!*
*do u believe in love at first sight,
or do u need to walk past me again?!*
*loves a sensation,
caused by temptation.
a guy sticks his location,
in a gurls destination.
to increase the population,
of the next generation.
do u understand my explanation,
or do u need a demostration?!*
*don't drink and drive,
u might go over a bump
and drop ur beer!*
*god gave me brains and a penis
and only a lil bit of blood.
i can only work one at a time!*
*if guys got a period,
they would brag about
the size of there tampons!*
*roses are red,
apples are sour.
open ur legs,
i'll show u some power!*
*im just like fred flintstone.
i can make ur bedrock!*
NoW wErEn'T tHoSe FuN?!
NoW u MuSt SeNd ThIs To...
0- no one will ever love u!
1-5- u will get a kiss from ur crush!
6-10- u will get some tongue from ur crush!
11-15- u and ur crush will make out!
16- 20- u will date ur crush!
21 and up- u will have sex with ur boifriend/gurlfriend
and be together for a long time (lucky u)
One night, a baby-sitter was watching the neighbor's kids, as she often did, but this time for money. She was given specific instruction to get the kids in bed by 9:00 PM. She did so, and afterwards went back downstairs to watch some television.
She flipped through the stations when something struck her fancy. It was one of those x-files type shows, all about haunted houses and graveyard encounters. She watched and became mystified at some of the "actual footage" shot at a local graveyard.
As she sat there, she decided that for the full effect, she would turn off the light, and continue watching the program in the dark, curled up underneath a warm blanket on the sofa. The program seemed to last forever, until finally they wrapped up with a spooky ending, claiming that all that have seen or heard of the graveyard ghost have either died by fire, or
were traumatized to death.
When the show was over, Donna was too frightened to get out from under her protective blanket to turn the lights on or check the children, for by now it was nearly 11:30 PM. It was dead silent, and Donna had developed a mild sweat from being curled so tight underneath the blanket. She decided that on the count of three, she would get up, run to the light switch and turn it on, and all would be well.
One. . . two. . . three! BAM!!!
Donna tripped and knocked the phone off the hook. What surprised her the most however, was that she did not hear a dial tone. Maybe she accidentally ripped the phone out of the wall socket. No. She could hear something. . .She grabbed the phone and put it up to her ear. She could hear breathing. What she heard next was something she would never forget. An ear piercing scream penetrated her head, and flowed all through her body, chilling her to the bone.
She jumped up and turned on the light, scared out of her mind. She decided to turn the TV back on and find a show that could calm her senses. She clicked on the TV, and started flipping through channels of static, finding nothing would come in clear. This did not amuse her. She went behind the TV to see if she could fix anything, when the phone rang.
"Hello?" All Donna could hear was the familiar sound of heavy breathing. Not waiting to hear that scream again, she immediately hung the phone up. What happened next frightened and surprised her. That piercing scream again. But wait, she hung up the phone. The scream came from upstairs. In her mind, she felt she should go upstairs to check on the kids. The sensible part of her said that the kids were in trouble, but it would be foolish to put herself in the same situation.
She crept to the kitchen, and found a knife. No, not the butter knife, she looked for another one, a steak knife. Yes, this was what she wanted. She walked to the foot of the stairs, and looked up. Total darkness. Should she turn on a light, or should she creep up in the dark, so as to be un-noticed? She decided that if it was dark, whoever or whatever was up there had the same sight disadvantage as she, and she would have a better chance of sneaking up on it.
She walked up the stairs slowly, skipping the third step, because she remembered that that one was the one that creaked. She made her way, knife in hand, to the top step, where she scanned the hallway for any shadows. She then went to the first door. She waited outside, clutching the knife in her sweaty fist, she listened for any sound. Nothing. Slowly and
silently, she opened the door.
She could see nothing. Donna walked to the center of the room and felt around for the chain that turned on the light. She pulled on it, and shrieked in horror. The children were all hanging from the ceiling by their necks, their guts spilling on the floor. She turned to run out, when she was blocked by a presence in the door. She felt her stomach get pieced by the razor sharp edge of her own knife. It slid easily through her abdomen, up to her rib cage. She dropped to her knees, and screamed. The scream she heard from her own mouth, was the exact same scream that she heard on the phone. She realized that what she heard on the phone was herself. At that moment, all was black.
Pass this on to at least 10 other people, or you may find yourself in the same situation. If you don't believe it, just take your chances. . . It's worth the investment of a couple of minutes
One Thursday afternoon when Casey came home from school
she realized her mothers car was not in the drive way. At first
she was startled but then she remembered that her mother had
to work late and told her the spare key would be under the mat
at the back door.
She went to the back door and reached under the mat for it,
but it was not there! She then reached up for the door knob
and it surprisingly it was unlocked! She entered figuring her
mother couldn't find the spare key and left the door open.
Right away she noticed the radio blasting and the TV just as
loud. Besides that, at first, everything was just fine. THUD!
She suddenly heard a huge crashing noise from upstairs.
After a while she got enough courage to go up there and see
what it was. When she reached the top of the stairs she looked
around for a while, everything was absolutely fine. She was so
startled that she rushed down the stairs practically tripping
over her own two feet. By this time she was completely
freaked out.
She left her house and ran next door to her neighbors for help.
Without knocking she quickly entered to find her neighbor
beaten and stabbed, laying on the kitchen floor. She reached
for the nearest phone to immediately call 911. As she grabbed
the cordless phone and turned it on, it felt as if she was being
watched. First, she pressed 9 and heard thundering footsteps.
Then as she dialed the first 1 the footsteps grew louder and
closer and sounded as if they began to run towards her. Before
she dialed the last number she froze and without thinking, she
quickly spun around and was~
*If you would like to hear the end of this *true*
story send this to
5 people- I sentence will come
10 people- half of the ending will come
15 people- the entire ending will come
*Send this within 2 days or nothing at all will come
Scooby-DOOBIE-Doo
Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really all about. As I've gotten older, it has become more clear to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine.
What We Remember:
Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sorts--and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.
The Truth:
Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery.
It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence...
Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.
And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.
The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however..
Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.
And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.
So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and fucking their dog, all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'.
O! If we had only known these things when we watched this cartoon as children...
SCREAM CHAIN LETTER
a young girl alone at home on the computer ...
suddenly, the familiar chime of the IM ...
do you like scary movies?
yeah.
what's your favorite scary movie?
i don't know.
come on. you gotta have a favorite. pick one.
okay. um ... SCREAM. you know the one with the girl from Party Of Five.
oh yeah. i liked the movie. it was scary.
so, why'd you wanna know?
because i want to know everything about you ... like I already do ...
aol member ...
how did you know i was an aol member?
duh ... cause you're talkin' to me on it now.
oh. well, you better leave me alone or else ...
or else what?
or else i'll punt your ass and then report you so your account will get
kicked the shit out of !!!
ooh, i'm scared. i'm shaking in my chair.
leave me alone or else ...
you don't even have a punter.
how would you know?
cause i can see you ...
who are you? leave me alone or i'm gonna call the TOS police.
they'd never make it in time. your computer only runs on 133 mhz.
you better leave me alone or else ...
or else what ?
or else my boyfriend'll be online any minute and your account will be
gone !
his screen name wouldn't be ... GhStFaCe ...would it ?
how do you know his screen name?
check to see his account ...
*** GhStFaCe ACCOUNT TERMINATED ***
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!
what do you want ?
i wanna see your account terminated !
right now ...
why?
you'll see why soon enough ... don't bother turning off your IMs ...
how did you know ... ?
look out your window ...
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S C R E A M !!!
you've been hit !!!
send this chain letter to five fellow
S C R E A M fans or suffer the same fate as our young heroine.
the decision lies in your hands.
will you make the right choice?
one aol member has been selected as the GHOSTFACE killer ... until
he/she gets this chain letter, the chain must continue ...
or the reign of terror in wodsboro will NEVER end !!!
Seminars For Women (prepared and presented by Men)
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until
After the Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12.Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
14. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
25. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both. (In case it was missed the
first time)
27. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" -Why Men Lie.
28. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
>THE SEVEN BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
>Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)
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>Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish.
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>Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you
don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be attacked by
a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's
true!
Because, you know, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is
TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes:
Send this to 1 person:
One person will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people:
2-5 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
5-10 people:
5-10 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupidchain letter.
10-20 people:
10-20 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
20 to 674, 951 people:
20 to 674, 951 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain
letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
>Chain Letter Type 2
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>Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents,
and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time
you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless
Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no
way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send
this to 5 people in the next 47seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will
die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many
little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this
on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to
you like:
Stupid Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently
received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the
sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,
she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Stupid Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it.
Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend. They both died.
Their families were so upset that everyone related to them (even by marriage)
went crazy and spent the rest of their miserable lives in an institution. This
Could Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to
all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your
friends.
Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your
loser life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really
thinkyoushould be
attacked by a mad goat and then thrown in a pile of manure,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check
and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry - that's the cleaning
lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish
of
being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild goats.
Chain Letter Type 5:
>This e-mail is wicked-cool! It was started by Microsoft to test its
>e-mail tracking system because, you know, a big high-tech company like
>Microsoft always sends important new software out over the internet to
>be available to any moron who can operate a computer, right? Plus, they
>have formed a secret merger with Disney Corp., who has agreed to give up
>millions of dollars in revenue by giving everyone who reads this e-mail,
>passes it on, looks at it, knows someone that looked at it, or is related
>to someone who is a friend of someone who looks at it A FREE,
>ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP to Disneyland, DisneyWorld, or EuroDisney! So
>pass this on to everyone you know that is gullible enough to believe this
(or not)!
>Even if it's not true, hey insulting all of your friends by implying that
they are
>gullible by sending this to them is worth the improbable chance that you
could go
>to Disneyland! Even if you lose all of your friends because they are tired
>of receiving this kind of junk from you, it's worth the chance, right?
>And just for good measure, if you don't send this on, Microsoft will send
>its specially trained attack-goats to pilfer your house and eat all of your
family,
>SO SEND IT ON!!!!!
>Chain Letter Type 6:
>VIRUS WARNING!!!
>If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.
>Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only
>erase everything on your hard drive,but it will also delete anything on
>disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on
>ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up
>the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch
>any CD's you attempt to play.
>It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your
>ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
>It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's
number.
>So be careful! Forward this to all of your friends, relatives,
>neighbors, family, enemies, plumbers, garbagemen, stock brockers,
>doctors, and any other acquaintances!
> It's for their own good! Thank you.
Chain Letter Type 7:
Here is a cute picture I drew.
(\ /)
( \ / )
( \ / )
( /<>\ )
( / \/ \ )
/ \ __
( ) ( )
~~~~
It is a decapitated angel. Send it on to all of your friends so it will
brighten their day like it did yours! If you don't, demon-possessed goats
will move into your house and eat all of your socks, leading you to believe
that something is wrong with your washing machine because all of your socks
keep disappearing. Have a nice day!!!
There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the seven main types of chain
letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send
it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise
forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but why
not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it. Thanks!
Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.
If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel
guilty (i.e. the goatless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e.
Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do
yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say, DEATH TO CHAIN
LETTERS!!"
The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island Theory
The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each
of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven
deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection,
there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself,Gilligan.
Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can
make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty
cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own,
called MacGuyver".)
For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have
worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour.
(As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide
survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor
and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on theisland.)
And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure,
the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what
being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I
know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.
What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise?
Mr.Howell gets my vote for GREED.
We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have
Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY,
SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here.
Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by
connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years on
the island and everybody knows it.
This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no
shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan
with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have
decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining
Deadly Sins.
So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring
Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each
other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor?
What keeps them trapped there?
Gilligan.
Gilligan is SATAN.
Think about it.
Thanks to Dave Hoskins for this one.
Original Handbook of Football
With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the
previous complications of having to remember the difference between
second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a
strike in baseball and not football.
Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game,
especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas
Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where
you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex
metaphor.
No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications
of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook Of
Football.
WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (if you're not on the field,
get on)
your 10 yard line ............. holding hands
your 20 yard line ............. hugging
your 30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek
your 40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips
MIDFIELD............. tongue kissing(you're in serious territory)
his/her 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off
his/her 30 yard line ............. all clothes off
his/her 20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
1ST AND GOAL............. put on the condom
GOAL LINE............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)
NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE
ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN
HOW YOU GOT THERE.
kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date)
kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep
in your own end)
on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near midfield, On
side kicks are good if they work but are risky)
kick return...............How far you get on the first date
NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST
DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS,
HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.
Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards(get further with
her, In Canada, you get two downs and then you best kick ie. ask
out a new girl cause you ain't getting further with this one. Americans are
more patient, they get three downs before they should kick
again.
Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.
Passing Play..............Skipping stages
OH, OOOHH, AAAHHH!!!
Fumble....................Impotence
Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection
Interception..............Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER WAY!!
STOP!!)
OTHER DEFINITIONS
Turnover..................Anal sex
Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3 pts (Field goal range begins
around their 30, when the clothes are off!)
Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6pts
Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards
Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number
High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms
Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home
Pile Up...................ORGY
Missed Field Goal.........Wide right, Wide left or even worse, too short!
3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move thoseYardsticks)
THE OFFENSE
Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary
Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions
Center(HUPPER)............Doggie Style
Running Back..............A hand-off
Tight End.................Self Explanatory
Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End
Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination)
DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)
Defensive Line............Condom
Break in the defense......Condom breaks
The Safety................The Pill (just to be safe)
A Blitz...................A "Quickie"
PENALTIES
Roughing..................S & M
Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints
Offside...................Premature Ejaculation
THE BOWLS
Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex
Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex
Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America
Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)
Hula Bowl.................(Use your imagination)
SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE
DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE THEM, HERE ARE
SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK
OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS.
1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it
turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.
2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid-field but
then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work
because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to
their 10 yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to
the Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out to be
the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup
4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal
attempt I was short.
I LOVE THIS GAME!!
Sex Education
In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks, "Teacher,
can my mommy get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says, "Forty."
The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get
pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."
The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See,
I told you we had nothing to worry about."
A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The
doctors asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen
and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and
facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if I
would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor
said.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when
she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private
parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the
doctor instructed her to get dressed again. After she had, the doctor sat her down
and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was
drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.
"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you".
"Well", said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me"
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that
he was afraid that his teenage son had come down with V.D.
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it
has to be her."
"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "these things
happen."
"I know, Doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that
I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the
same symptoms."
"That's unfortunate."
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh Shit," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
~~~
Q. How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
A. It's the one with the teeth marks on the cap.
---------------
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the
changing room while shopping with her at a department store.
The little boy gets bored, so he decides to have a look around.
When his mom comes out of the changing room, she finds her
little boy sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!", she shouts.
"DON'T YOU KNOW THAT US WOMEN HAVE GOT
TEETH DOWN THERE."
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his
lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of
his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women
have got teeth down below.
By the time the little boy reaches the age of 16, he finds
himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town,
she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of
making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit
further.
"What do you mean?", he asks. She replies, "Well, why don't
you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HELL NO!", he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"No, I don't," she responds.
"Yes, you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No, I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all
women have teeth down there.
She throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't
have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not
surprised."
-------------
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a
confession to make. The reason that they have not been too
intimate is because she is quite flat chested. If the guy wishes
to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not
mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a
marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and
said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his
waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the
marriage, it is okay with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not
mind, and she also believed there are other things far more
important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They
went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the
girl took off her clothes, she is as flat as a washboard.
Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's
naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy said, "I told you before
we got married; why did you still faint?
The girl said, You told me it was just like a baby.
The guy replied, That's right, 8 pounds and 21 inches.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, Lie to me!
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the
outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
SEXY MUSICAL INSTRUMENT
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Morris goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet
$50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this
octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an
old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings
and starts playing. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.
Next guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn,
loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a fantastic
jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to Morris.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back,
coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under
his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to Morris and his octopus,
"Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them
over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus'
owner interrupts his pet's concentration, saying, "What are you
messing around for? Hurry up and play it!"
The octopus say's "Play it ? Huh ?!?
I am still trying to figure out how to take off it's sexy
nightgown...."
She was so Blonde that:
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of gardening tools.
She thought General Motors was in the Army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on
Phonics".
She tried to drown a fish.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because
it said concentrate.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told her friend to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and
"Don't walk".
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she
put "Libra".
She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".
She sold her car for gas money.
When she saw the "NC-17 -- Under 17 not admitted," whe
went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left" she turned around and went back home.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved.
Shit may be the most powerful word in the english language:
You can be shitfaced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for
brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a
place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, or tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life
away.
People can be shitheaded, shitbrained, shitblinded, and
shitover. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell
the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits,
dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw
shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You
can take a shit, give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can
find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit
and some Days are just shitty. Some music sounds like shit,
things look like shit, and there are times when you feel like
shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,
the Wrong shit, or alot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit , or find yourself
upshitcreek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you
touch turns to shit and othertimes you swim in a lake of shit
and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to
consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember:once you know your shit,you don't need to
know anything else.
Sign language
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a
handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down
to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.
To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye
meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his
hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants,
and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so
angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,"What the fuck is
wrong with you, dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you
I'm coming."
Signs of the times...
Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Signs You Had a Bad First Date
Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother
You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her
She has a thicker moustache than you
When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions
You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole
Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system
You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass
You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic
She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut
You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno
At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill
You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh
She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan
She is better hung than you
She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her
She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you
She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you
Hey Band People-I got this from a friend in Tulsa....
Signs You've Been in Band Too Long!!
1. When you hear music and you start marking time.
2. When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them.
3. When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.
4. When all your friends are in the band.
5. When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus.
6. When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio.
7. When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the band.
8. When you like wearing your uniform.
9. When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my
flute/trumpet/drum/etc.?"
10. When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory.
11. When you've had a "trombone-ectomy"
12. When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog.
13. When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
14. When people worry when they see you without your instrument.
15. When "armed guard," means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.
16. When band camp is FUN
17. When you respond to "band fag"
18. When someone says the word "box" and you automatically put your head up.
19. When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name.
20. When you dress the lunch line, and urge others to do the same.
21. When you're alone and you suffocate because there's no one telling you to
Breathe.
22. When slides feel normal.
23. When your instrument has a name.
24. When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mom's.
25. When making a line is you biggest accomplishment of the day.
26. When back marching no longer reminds you of ballet.
27. When you give your instrument a birthday party.
28. When you can make brown shoes look white.
29. When your uniform fits.
30. When black feathers become a fashion "do".
31. When you see your section more than you see your family.
32. When everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want To kill
the other band.
33. When you have dreams about selling Woody's Wings.
34. When you think evening practices should last a half hour longer.
35. When you accidentally call your band director "Dad".
36. When you CAN sight-read.
37. When you can put on you uniform in less than 10 minutes.
38. When reeds taste good.
39. When Woody's Wings are part of you daily diet.
40. When you think your plume is alive.
41. When marking time is your favorite form of exercise.
42. When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.
43. When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.
44. When numbers past 8 aren't important.
45. When you're more opinionated about the Madison Scouts/Phantom
Regiment Rivalry than the O.J. trial.
46. When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don't spill your lunch.
47. When you'd rather practice than read this list.
48. When letters past G aren't important.
49. When you get the jokes on this list.
50. When this list reaches 50.
Signs Your Presidential Candidate Isn't Right
9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
7. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
6. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose...
The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey:
The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names..... for example, George Bush's new name is Fluffy Toiletshorts. Go figure. :)
Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa
Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hampster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker
Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice
Hey I hope this made ya laugh! It's also really funny if you check out what some of your friends names would be! Just be glad The Evil Professor Poopypants hasnt taken over!!!
Now when you forward this..use your new name as the "title of the subject line"
Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark
Side Consulting Group.
An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side
Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal
candidate for this position would like galactic travel and
possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the
Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.
Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on
intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning
initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a
variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered
space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side
is also required, which may be performed using the Force or
hand weapons.
Qualified applicants would possess good communications
skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and
would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A
background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is
desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with
advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from
the University of Coruscant.
Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection
equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all
classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to
their hate. A Proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi
mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability
to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this
position would also have no children or other living relatives
who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be
given several weeks to meet this requirement.)
Compensation for this position is commensurate with
experience, and is extremely competitive for this field.
Benefits include a generous severance package, a company
starship, and a dark-colored clothing
allowance.
The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with
the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based
organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans.
Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the
future before it happens.
Applications will be accepted until the end of August.
Transmit them To jobs@darkside.com.
**************************************************
Dark Side CG (TM) is a small and highly-focused
organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far, far
away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of
harnessing hatred for institutional power and the
long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide
direction to our partner organizations through knowledge
management, incident control and our rapid on-site
intervention expertise. Our partnered
organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling
Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies.
Dark Side CG (TM) is a wholly owned subsidiary of
Microsoft.
Six Feet
Jill was in bed with a man who was not her husband and things
were heating up. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.
"Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?"
"Aw, just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't
gonna notice you here with me."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful
than the thought of getting caught in bed with Jill, so he
trusted her advice. Sure enough, Jill's husband came crawling
into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the
blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled, "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at
the end of the bed."
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me,
count them again."
The husband then got out of bed, and re-counted, "One, two,
three, four... by gosh, you're right, dear!" as he stumbled back
into bed.
Six Great Lessons
The Important Things Life Teaches You...
1 ~ Most Important Question
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop
quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the
questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the
woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had
seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in
her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving
the last question blank.
Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count
toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your
careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve
your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say
'Hello'."I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was
Dorothy.
2 ~ Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older Black woman was standing on the side of
an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided
to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her -
generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to
safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed
to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove
away.
Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was
attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but also my
spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to
my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for
helping me and unselfishly serving others."Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole
3 ~ Always remember those who serve
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy
entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass
of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out
of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish
of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a
table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said
brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain
ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked
away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When
the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed
hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were
two nickels and five pennies - her tip.
4 ~ The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid
himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of
the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked
around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear,
but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching
the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone
to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally
succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a
purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained
many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for
the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned
what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity
to improve one's condition.
5 ~ Giving Blood
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got
to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious
disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion
from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same
disease and had developed the antibodies, needed to combat the illness.
The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the
boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him
hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes,
I'll do it if it will save Liz."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister. He
looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start
to die right away?" Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor;
he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood.
6 ~ I've Two Choices
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood
and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how
he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed
him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the Waiters
followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee
how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry
and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of
the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have
two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose
to be in a bad mood." I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something
bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from
it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me
complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out
the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes it is," Jerry said, "Life is all about choices. When you cut away
all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be
in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you
live life."
I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant
industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about
him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never
supposed to do in a restaurant business, he left the back door open one
morning and was held up at gun point by three armed robbers. While trying
to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the
combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found
relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released
from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he
was, he said, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds but did ask him what had gone through his
mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my
mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied.
"Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices - I
could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was
going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I
saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really
scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man. " I knew I needed to
take action."
"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting
questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything.
'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited
for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!'
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me
as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his
doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him
that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is
everything. You have 2 choices now:
1. Save or delete this mail from your mailbox, or
2. Forward it to people you care about. Hope you will choose No. 2.
6 Reasons Tinky Winky can't be gay.
1. The Purse doesn't match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really,
clash o rama.
2. He's kinda obese. Everybody knows that gay men (especially public
figures) are in remarkable shape.
3. That headpiece. Where I rate it for its FABULOUS height, it really
doesn't have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle. A true
gay person would have accessorized it with beads and/or something frilly.
4. He hangs out in a meadow.....ummmm skip that one, George Michael in the
park ruined that analogy for me.
5. He's a really bad dancer. Nuff said.
6. The name Tinky Winky. I don't know a gay man on the planet who
would go with a name like that....HELLO, it screams "I'm small down
there and I don't care who knows it".
Sorry, Tinky can't be gay.
Well now, it's about that time of the semester... the time when
suddenly every student has the urge to disregard their boring
lecture and frolic in the warm sunlight and fresh spring air.
The hormones can't be helped, right?
We both know that's bullshit. Anytime is a good time to skip
class, you just need a good reason, right? Sure. You (or your
parents, as the case may be) are spending boatloads of cash to
go to this prestigious university, and it kinda hangs on your
conscience that you don't feel like going. Behold, Skarecrow
to your rescue.
Here is your wonderful list of ways to skip class, and methods
to rationalize them to yourself.
1. Sleep in.
Rationalization: You are, in fact, recharging your mental
batteries for the more demanding classes you will face later in
the day/week/semester/life. Besides, your professor EXPECTS
people to skip that 9am lecture. The professor probably didn't
even show up himself. Why trouble yourself to get out of bed,
trudge across campus and find out. You can always claim later
to be doing sleep studies on yourself for your Psych 101 class.
2. Surf the net.
Rationalization: It's educational. The net is the greatest source
of information in the world. You're also improving your
computer skills, vital to working in the real world. Hell, I have
friends who get paid to surf the net all day...of course their
bosses don't know that. Is it really your fault if you happen to
get sidetracked by less informative pages on the web? The
Web is built to do that. Grrr, damn web. (raise your arm and
shake your fist at the computer now, and grrrr along with me.)
3. Clean your room.
Rationalization: Cleanliness is next to godliness. Godliness is
definitely more important than Linear Algebra or Augustan
Literature. Besides, you can listen to music when you clean.
Real loud. Loud music has been proven in frat-house studies
to be conducive to the learning process. And hey, you do need
to dig that linear algebra textbook out from under the pile of
dirty clothes, anyway.
4. Wander about the more beautiful parts of campus.
Rationalization: You're not paying this much to go to school
just to sit in boring classes are you? Of course not! You've got
to get out and see the beautiful portions of campus that your
tuition dollars are paying so much to maintain. Hey, by the
way, there are beautiful members of the opposite sex out there
too! You might want to go take a gander at them while you're
wandering.
5. Take a trip into town.
Rationalization: You're at a college far away from home (or
even near to home, bear with me here and ignore the piddley
little details)... this may be your only chance to visit a local
community you may never see again. Have fun. Meet the
locals. Mingle. Claim it's study for that sociology class you're
gonna take next semester.
Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult
voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just
when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two
children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the
loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest
bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it
was o.k. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when
I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said o.k..
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children
picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the
plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait
for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks
waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came
running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you
were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area
looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest
of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom
was.
For all the Blondes in the group................real or not.............
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He
explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The
lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde
doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill
and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no
answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to
no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her
$500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more
sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the
wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and
covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No
snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the
end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize
I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't
in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think
was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I
can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I
think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of
the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By
the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's
lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down
the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to
kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving
me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million
dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
THE DARWIN AWARDS - 1997!
Ladies and Gentlemen, you've been patient, but believe me it's been worth the wait.
THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon the remains of that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself at 300 mph into the side of a desert cliff.
And now, for this year's illustrious winners:
Grand Prize:
- John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at George Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Holly Bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
The runners-up:
[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
[AP, St. Louis, MO]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
Nice attempt, but might still procreate:
[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in good condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
[UPI, Portland, OR]
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot 10through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district B attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder.
[AP,Arkansas]
A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE'S
In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against a town of a thousand morons."
STUPID CRIMINAL TRICKS
Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in West Lafayette, Ind., in May on theft and fraud charges. Pyrcioch allegedly cashed checks that he had written with disappearing ink, apparently believing the checks would be blank by the time they were presented to the bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained, and police said Pyrcioch would have a better chance of getting away with it if he had not used checks pre-printed with his name and account number on them.
In August, 12 men were arrested near Szczecin in northern Poland as they were digging up a road because they had heard a rumor that it was built with a large stockpile of police-confiscated hashish. The hashish had been sold to a chemical plant to be incinerated into ash for road construction.
Paul Carthy, 25, pleaded guilty in Exeter, England, in September to theft subsequent to his original charge of shoplifting from a liquor store. In the second theft, he had stolen the magnetic letters off the name board that was held up to his face when his mug shot was taken.
In September, according to police in Junction City, Kan., David Bell, 30, just released from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole another car to get home.
And in October, William B. Singleton, 24, just released from jail in Belton, Mo., on a larceny charge, allegedly broke into a vending machine in the lobby of the police station and stole a 60-cent Strawberry Twisteroo while he waited for his ride to arrive.
SOTALLY TOBER
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but thedrunker I stand here the longer I get
Just give me one more drink to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.
A special diet:
Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk
Lunch
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
Dinner
Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, JuniorMints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.
10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken
a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping.
DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"
Send this to all the women you know or ever knew, and you will immediately lose 10 pounds.
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
Once upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his
writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One
day he was walking along the shore. As he looked down the beach, he saw a
human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone
who would dance to the day. So he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got
closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but
instead he was reaching down to the sand, picking up something and very gently
throwing it into the ocean. As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What
are you doing?"
The young man paused, looked up and replied, "Throwing starfish in the ocean."
"I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"
"The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don't throw them in they'll die."
"But, young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and
starfish all along it. You can't possibly make a difference!"
The young man listed politely. Then bent down, picked another starfish and
threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said- "It made a difference for
that one."
There is something very special in each and every one of us. We have all been
gifted with the ability to make a difference. And if we can become aware of that
gift, we gain through the strength of our visions the power to shape the future.
We must each find our starfish. And if we throw our stars wisely and well, the
world will be blessed.
What State Mottos SHOULD Be:
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um...We've got...Um...Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family---Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
Who has this kind of time?!
I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was
six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was
happy to be stuck with him.
One manic Monday, while I was busy working for
the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.
He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name.
Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants,
But don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say
he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He
was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this
feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me
to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car. So I figured I might
as well jump.
I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the
number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about
Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out
with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me
she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new
love - hasta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do!
Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping
that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night).
First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her
sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me.
Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these!
I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my
Best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real
Roxanne. She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that
she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She
said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my
own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin?
Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me
with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to
remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life. I
wasn't about to la-di-da-di.
I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to
Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the
middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this
rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?"
"Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door
and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the
very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I
felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as
I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible
touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did,
Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round
like a record.
He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from
beneath my wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old
time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black
and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You
don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a
prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking
about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every
rose, truly, has its thorn.
No longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.
Strange, Stupid and Dumb Laws In Illinois
In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed
to the point of being ``an unsightly or disgusting object'' are
banned from going out in public.
In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas.
In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The
officially recognized language is ``American.''
In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to
ride horses in shorts.
In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.
In Normal it is illegal to make faces at dogs.
In Chicago it is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire.
You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one
dollar bill on your person.
You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up
to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on
your own conversation.
You must contact the police before entering the city in an
automobile.
*A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be
called master, not mister, when addressed by their female
counterparts.
*In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while
hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front
leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural causes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver and purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted
people without killing them use to burn their houses down -
hence the expression "to get fired."
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
There are two credit cards for every person in the United
States.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on
July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the
rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots
in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the
ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured
exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the
pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9
yards."
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in
Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday
at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time
and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would
have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize
that *this* was the day of the changeover.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during
World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with
"rejoice."
In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again,
Sam."
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air
crashes.
The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye"
is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches
was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the
only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that
makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a
calorie.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
wider than your thumb.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up.
The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is
dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to
dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the
stomach back down again.
White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith
(Formerly of the Monkees).
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a
building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving
than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes
about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax
and correct itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
weeks: otherwise it will digest itself.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two
Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and
don't die throughout the movie.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs
into its eyeballs-it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
The average person falls asleep in seven
minutezzzzzzzzzzzz..........
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US
Treasury
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden
Retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear
better.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one
olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Average number of days a West German goes without
washing his underwear: 7
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the
same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the
same man: 50%
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Average number of people airborne over the US any given
hour: 61,000.
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney
World: 70%
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles
in Courage
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China
in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other
nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to
mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but
did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why
your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating
a letter is uncopyrightable.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses
were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk
up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie."
(Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing."
They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take
into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the
building.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from
history.
Spades - King David,
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable
as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star
Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he
was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw
the screening of the movie.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army
for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many
bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the
state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate
toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches
for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest
point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you
have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in
coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed
stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To
Beaver".
The only two days of the year in which there are no
professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the
day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
Alaska could hold the 21 smallest States
Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in
Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic church.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep
floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
The car in the foreground on the back of a $10 bill is a 1925
Hupmobile.
Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They
were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the
fraternity house walls with 20 drawings of his characters.
If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun.
If you don't, you can't see it.
It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a
breathalyzer to read 0.
Dogs and humans are the only animals with prostates.
The highest scoring word in the English language game of
Scrabble is 'Quartzy'. This will score 164 points if played
across a red triple-word square with the Z on a light blue
double-letter square. It will score 162 points if played across
two pink double-word squares with the Q and the Y on those
squares. 'Bezique' and Cazique' are next with a possible 161
points. All three words score an extra 50 points for having
seven letters and therefore emptying the letter rack in one go.
Assuming Rudolph was in front, there are 40,320 ways to
arrange the other eight reindeer.
The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable
from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused
at a crime scene.
In the four major US professional sports (baseball, basketball,
football, and hockey), there are only seven teams whose
nicknames do not end with an "S:" Basketball: The Miami
Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The
Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The
Colorado Avalanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football:
None.
Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for Lord of
the Flies, and this is where the book's title comes from.
It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the
King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46,
the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word
from the last word is spear.
The ship, the Queen Elizabeth 2, should always be written as
QE2. QEII is the actual queen.
There were no squirrels on Nantucket Island, Massachusetts
until 1989.
The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning
to you, " is "and the rest of the day to yourself."
The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in
Cincinnati wore a bandaid in every episode, either on himself,
his glasses, or his clothing.
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New
York City, after the Catholic Church.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at
home to a sellout crowd, the stadium becomes the state's third
largest city.
John Larroquette of "NightCourt" and "The John Larroquette
Show" was he narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put
a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969,
a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon,
Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only
used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was
Willy.
Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is
Number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on
a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.
When Saigon fell, the signal for all Americans to evacuate was
Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" being played on the radio.
The pet ferret (Mustela putorias furo) was domesticated more
than 500 years before the house cat.
The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home, conceals
a billiards room. In Jefferson's day, billiards were illegal in
Virginia.
The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic
church. When 20 of the church's most important convene in
deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is
always appointed to give an alternative view.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
Uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western
Union to Test telex/twx communications)
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
license.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for
a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.
There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's
Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-
Cola, and Budweiser in that order.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25
miles per year.
The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the
palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from
the sale of vodka.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world's nuclear weapons combined.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years.
Average age of theRolling Stones: 50.6.
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple,
and chocolate.
Yet again, some more of those facts that you didn't know you didn't know!!
*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated
*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
*The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has
memorised all 158
verses.
*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
*The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
*There are more chickens than people in the world
*Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
*The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched.
*On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag
*All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
*No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or
purple
*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
*All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5 bill.
*Almonds are members of the peach family.
*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
*Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
*There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous":
tremendous,
horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
*Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de
Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A.
*A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
*Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
*In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
*Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
*The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
*When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the
stadium becomes
the state's third largest city.
*The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the
cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
*A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
*A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
*On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand
corner of the "1"
encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand
corner.
*It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
*The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
*Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser
himself.
*In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
*The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator,
Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z, hence "Oz.
*The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a chocolate bar
melted in his pocket.
*Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
*John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
*The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
*There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
*Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
*Typewriter is the only ten letter word you can type on the top of your
keyboard.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-
Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the
sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union
to Test telex/two communications)
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, and purple.
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie."(Thus
the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great;
Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed
on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years
later.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for
the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point
in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you
have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar.
No NFL team, which plays its home games in a domed stadium,
has ever won a Super bowl.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and
the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween"
was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating
to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were
freshman roommates at Harvard
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable
from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at
a crime scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the
13th."
James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on
Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every
five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as
airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
Sometimes Real Life is Stranger Than Fiction
Where's Murphy When You Need Him??
* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near
Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to
shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of
low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level
bridge -- killing him.
* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of
dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by
punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head,
and he died of a fractured skull.
* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy
fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace
near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out
of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with
severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped
death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After
treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The
remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his
kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in
1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into
tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
* In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin,
presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her
daughter dropped dead of fright.
* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down
in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could
collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the
back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in
the city prison.
* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy
Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The
taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into
him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered
to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,
leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob
Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and
only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan
suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries.
Hospital officials said he would recover.
* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up
to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat
idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the
crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti,
followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through
the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled
with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the
horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the
motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed
away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports car driver
leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to
pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat
was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort
out the claims.
* In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to
twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-
Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a
french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by
giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make
it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she
fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she
thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was
leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked
her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a
heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his
wife were reconciled.
* An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was
climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some
muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the
muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and
knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she
didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few
moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the
sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas
company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was
expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every
year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to
ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but
that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy
said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane
this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, And ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for
the entire ride and Not say one word, I won't charge you, but
if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does
all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word
is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a
word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I
did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but
you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when
Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from
you.
Love,
Your $on
----------
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you
for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a
while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out
nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am
sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I
am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I
have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and
sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat
around the bush any longer so.......
Do you have a piece of gum?
Pass this on to 5 people and you will have good sex for the next 6
months
In today's fast-paced, stress-inducing world, more and more
people are searching for inspiration from clergy,
psychologists, motivational speakers and personal gurus. But
sometimes you need a little more than they can offer. So this
week, along with our usual lineup, we'll take a fascinating
look into the inspiring wit and wisdom offered up by some of
today's hottest supermodels...
Worldly Wisdom From Famous Supermodels (Part I)
ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get
plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson
ON OPPORTUNITIES "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm
able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I
take."
-- Kathy Ireland (star of "Alien From L.A." and "Danger
Island")
ON CAREER CHOICES "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true
calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova
More Amusing Musings From Supermodels (Part II)
ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup
gives me."
-- Tyra Banks
ON VERSATILITY "I can do anything you want me to do so
long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward
my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
Wisdom From The Mouths Of Supermodels... (Part III)
ON REVELATIONS "I just found out that I'm one inch taller
than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame,
the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks
ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right
clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or
sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
Modeling Is Obviously Much More Than Just a Pretty Face...
(Part IV)
ON THINKING "When I model I pretty much blank. You
can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON MOTIVATION "It was kind of boring for me to have to
eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."
-- Kate Moss
And finally...
ON ECONOMICS "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a
day."
-- Linda Evangelista
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should
be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to ... "
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too, you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ... !" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
"Don't I know it", Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um ...
equipment ?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."
"Tripod??".
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a
roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main
street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and
Took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she
would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot I tink I'll have myself zome cold
beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of
the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.
She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his
evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party,
so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several
of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in
the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the
master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."
He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings
and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."
As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and
then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're
fired!"
TeCHNoLoGY CHaLLeNGeD?
The following is an excerpt from newspaper articles throughout the United States that will make you feel better:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support ?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The foot pedal turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What Power switch?"
12. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.
13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
THERE NOW, FEEL BETTER?
A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I
was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's
so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then,
because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn
thing must be an hour fast."
Top 10 Signs You Picked The Wrong Internet Service Provider
10. Their company logo is two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a
Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in
the woods.
7. They proudly boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB
radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway"
in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for
your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks,
"Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on the street corner.
1. They charge for downloads and e-mail by the word.
You know you were an 80's kid if:
**You know what "Sike" means.
**You know the profound meaning of "Wax On Wax Off".
**You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
**You can name at least half of the members of the BRAT Pack.
**You know who Tina Yothers is.
**You wanted to be a Goonie.
**You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got int trouble for sex with minors
and videotaping it, because you liked him.
**You know who Max Headroom is.
**You believed that "By the Power of Greyskull," you HAD the POWER.
**Partying "like it's 1999" seemed sooo far away.
**You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
**You wanted to be on StarSearch.
**You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell
off.
**You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did.
**You owned a doll with "Xavier Roberts" signed on its butt s.
**You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
**You HAD to have your MTV.
**You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future"
**You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your
name."
**You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
**You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
**You have heard of "Garbage Pail Kids".
**Punks actually "shocked" people
**You knew "The Artist", when he was humbly called "Prince".
**You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
**You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game.
**You own any cassettes.
**You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the
moon.
**You remember and/or owned any of the CareBear glass collections from
Pizza Hut, Or any other stupid collection of glass they came out with.
**Poltergeist freaked you out.
**You carried your luch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
**You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
**You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
**You ever had a Swatch Watch, or three.
**You had a crush on one of the Corey's (Haim or Feldman).
**You had a crush on Bo Derek or Heather Locklear.
**You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
**You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
**You know what a "Whammee" is.
**You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi.
**You thought eating Reeses Peices would attract your own Alien.
**Your name is Jennifer or Jason.
**You have ever called 867-5309.
**You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Camron, or Michael J. Fox on your
wall.
**You held the top score on PacMan.
**You had MALL Hair.
**You owned a T-Shirt that said, "I shot J.R."
IF you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend are a
child of the 80's. Send this to anyone that would appreciate going "Back to
the Future". To a time when movie stars ran the free world.
The Balloonist
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?!"
The man below says, "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering
thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in engineering," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "And you must be a corporate manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the
same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
The Bank Account
Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400.
It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever
part of the balance you failed to use during the day.
What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!!!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you
with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you
have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows
no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns
the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going
back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from
it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make
the most of today.
The Beer Song
Sang to the tune of Do a deer from the Sound of Music.
Do a beer, a Mexican beer,
Re the guy I bought it from,
Me the guy I bought it for,
Fa a long long way to store,
So I think I'll have a beer,
La la la la la la la,
Te no thanks I've got a beer,
and it brings us back to Do-o-o-o.
THE BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A GIRL
1. We can wear guys clothes. If they wear ours, they get funny looks.
2. Our friends dont say hello to us by punching us on the arm.
3. Yea- PMS sucks. But at least we have a good excuse to chow down on chocolate for a week.
4. If we're on a really big ship that happens to hit an iceberg, we'll probably get first dibs on a lifeboat.
5. We get the bigger apartment on Friends.
6. Girl talk. You know, how we just understand each other without having to explain stuff.
7. We never have to stand at a urinal and have other girls stare at us.
8. Dark circles under the eyes? A hickey? We can just cover them up with a little concealer. ( how do guys live without that stuff?)
9. We dont have to shave our faces. (ouch that must hurt)
10. We can jump around a lot and shake our hair and it looks like we know how to dance.
11. Matt, Jared, Leo, Skeet, Brad, Scott, Ben. Need i explain this one?
12. We get yummy chocolates and flowers from guys
13. We dont have to dowse our food in Tabasco sauce just to look tough
14. That whole circumcision thing!
15. When we get married we get to keep our own name or choose one that we like even better.
16. We dont have to deal with sideburns. Whats up with those anyway?
17. At least one girl always survives in horror flicks.
18. We never have to wear tighty-whities (or jock straps!)
19. Even if we are ugly we have make-up to fix it!
20. We can take stuffed animals to bed no matter how old we are
21. We dont have to wear tuxedos to the prom.
22. Nose hair, ear hair, back hair- so not a problem for us.
23. SLUMBER PARTIES! Guys just dont know how much fun those are.
24. We dont have to worry about getting hurt, um, down there
25. That special bond we have with our moms-some day
26. We dont feel the need to slap our teammates butt when she makes a good play.
27. Nobody makes fun of us for liking Backstreet Boys or N'sync. Well almost nobody
28. Pick up lines. They're not something we need to practice
29. We can get away with wearing platform shoes without looking goofy.
30. We give really really good advice
31. On t.v. shows we're always the ones that have coolest supernatural powers.
32. Dollhouse, Delia's, XOXO, Wet Seal.
33. We can put cotton balls between our toes, paint our nails, and not feel the least bit silly.
34. Daria and Lisa Simpson are girls
35. Bevis and Butt-Head arent
36. The coolest, sweetest songs and poems have been writen about u
37. We dont have to sit on our wallets
38. And our wallets have a place for change
39. Its entirely possible that we will marry Ben Affleck some day.
40. Our lives do not revolve around ESPN Sports Center
41. We can wear dresses without getting really weird looks from people
42. Its not required that we learn how to spit when we are young
43. We are called tomboys, Boys are called girlie
44. Fiona, Tori, Sarah, Paula, Alanis, Gwen.
45. We have nicer handwriting than guys. Well its true
46. Our magazines have Horoscopes.
47. We dont have to stuff boxers in our jeans. ( How can that possibly be comfortable?)
48. Female pro athletes arent overpaid egomaniacs (yet)
49. Girls with guy first names (like Joey) sound cool, but it doesnt work the other way around.
50. We look great in tank tops. ( Hint Hint to any guy reading this)
~~now make a wish about any part of your body, (like to have a better smile, bigger boobs, you get the idea) GO!!!!
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The Bible in 50 Words
God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.
Tag - you're it .... GOTCHA!!!
Consider yourself hit by
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The Love Of GOD!
TAG EVERYONE YOU KNOW
BEFORE THEY CAN TAG YOU.
TAG SOMEONE TODAY,
EXCEPT THE PERSON THAT HIT YOU.
SORRY, NO TAG BACKS!
WE ARE NEVER ALONE!!!
This is a true story that occurred in 1994 and is told by Lloyd
Glenn:Throughout our lives we are blessed with spiritual experiences, some
of which are very sacred and confidential, and others, although
sacred, are meant to be shared.
Last summer my family had a spiritual experience that had a lasting
and profound impact on us, one we feel must be shared. It's a
message of love. It's a message of regaining perspective, and
restoring proper balance and renewing priorities. In humility, I
pray that I might, in relating this story, give you a gift my little
son, Brian, gave our family one summer day last year.
On July 22nd I was enroute to Washington DC for a business trip. It
was all so very ordinary, until we landed in Denver for a plane
change. As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an
announcement was made for Mr. Lloyd Glenn to see the United Customer
Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I
reached the door to leave the plane and I heard a gentleman asking
every male if they were Mr. Glenn. At this point I knew something
was wrong and my heart sunk. When I got off the plane a solemn-faced
young man came toward me and said, "Mr. Glenn, there is an emergency
at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is
involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the
hospital."
My heart was now pounding, but the will to be calm took over.
Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone where I
called the number he gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was
put through to the trauma center where I learned that my three-year-
old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for
several minutes, and that when my wife had found him he was dead.
CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a doctor, and the
paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to
the hospital.
By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would
live, but they did not know how much damage had been done to his
brain, nor to his heart. They explained that the door had
completely closed on his little sternum right over his heart. He had been
severely crushed. After speaking with the medical staff, my wife
sounded worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her
calmness.
The return flight seemed to last forever, but finally I arrived at
The hospital six hours after the garage door had come down. When I
Walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see
My little son lying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors
everywhere. He was on a respirator. I glanced at my wife who stood and tried to
give me a reassuring smile. It all seemed like a terrible dream. I
was filled-in with the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian
was going to live, and the preliminary tests indicated that his
heart was ok, two miracles in and of themselves. But only time would tell
if his brain received any damage.
Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt
that Brian would eventually be all right. I hung on to her words
and faith like a lifeline. All that night and the next day Brian
remained unconscious. It seemed like forever since I had left for
my business trip the day before.
Finally at two o'clock that afternoon, our son regained
Consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard
spoken. He said, "Daddy hold me" and he reached for me with his
little arms. [TEAR...smile] By the next day he was pronounced as
having no neurological or physical deficits, and the story of his
miraculous survival spread throughout the hospital. You cannot
imagine our gratitude and joy. As we took Brian home we felt a
unique reverence for the life and love of our Heavenly Father that
comes to those who brush death so closely.
In the days that followed there was a special spirit about our home.
Our two older children were much closer to their little brother. My
wife and I were much closer to each other, and all of us were very
close as a whole family. Life took on a less stressful pace.
Perspective seemed to be more focused, and balance much easier to
gain and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly
profound.
The story is not over (smile)!
Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from
His afternoon nap and said, "Sit down mommy. I have something to tell
you." At this time in his life, Brian usually spoke in small
phrases, so to say a large sentence surprised my wife. She sat down
with him on his bed and he began his sacred and remarkable story.
"Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well it
was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to you, but you couldn't
hear me. I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the
'birdies' came." "The birdies?" my wife asked puzzled. "Yes," he
replied. "The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into the
garage. They took care of me." "They did?" "Yes" he said. "One of
the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you I got stuck
under the door."
A sweet reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong
and yet lighter than air. My wife realized that a three-year-old
had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings
who came to him from beyond as "birdies" because they were up in the air
like birds that fly. "What did the birdies look like?" she asked.
Brian answered, "They were so beautiful. They were dressed in
white, all white. Some of them had green and white. But some of them had
on just white." "Did they say anything?" "Yes" he answered. "They
told me the baby would be alright." "The baby?" my wife asked
confused. Brian answered. "The baby laying on the garage floor."
He went on, "You came out and opened the garage door and ran to the
baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave." My wife nearly
collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone and knelt
beside Brian' body and seeing his crushed chest and recognizable features,
knowing he was already dead, she looked up around her and whispered,
"Don't leave us Brian, please stay if you can."
As she listened to Brian telling her the words she had spoken, she
realized that the spirit had left his body and was looking down from
above on this little lifeless form. "Then what happened?" she
asked. "We went on a trip." He said, "far, far away." He grew
agitated trying to say the things he didn't seem to have the words
for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him, and let him know it
would be okay. He struggled with wanting to tell something that
obviously was very important to him, but finding the words was
difficult. "We flew so fast up in the air. They're so pretty
Mommy." He added. "And there is lots and lots of birdies." My wife
was stunned. Into her mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped
her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known.
Brian went on to tell her that the "birdies" had told him that he
Had to come back and tell everyone about the "birdies". He said they
brought him back to the house and that a big fire truck, and an
ambulance were there. A man was bringing the baby out on a white
bed and he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay, but the
man couldn't hear him. He said the birdies told him he had to go with
the ambulance, but they would be near him. He said, they were so
pretty and so peaceful, and he didn't want to come back.
Then the bright light came. He said that the light was so bright
And so warm, and he loved the bright light so much. Someone was in the
bright light and put their arms around him, and told him, "I love
you but you have to go back. You have to play baseball, and tell
everyone about the birdies." Then the person in the bright light
kissed him and waved bye-bye. Then woosh, the big sound came and
they went into the clouds. The story went on for an hour. He taught us
that "birdies" were always with us, but we don't see them because we
look with our eyes and we don't hear them because we listen
with our ears. But they are always there, you can only see them in
here (he put his hand over his heart). They whisper the things to
Help us to do what is right because they love us so much. Brian
continued, stating, "I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan. Daddy
has a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all live our plan and
keep our promises. The birdies help us to do that cause they love us so
much."
In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or
Part of it again and again. Always the story remained the same. The
details were never changed or out of order. A few times he added
further bits of information and clarified the message he had already
delivered. It never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such
detail and speak beyond his ability when he spoke of his "birdies".
Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the "birdies".
Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this.
Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and smiled.
Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and
pray we never will be.
The Doll and a White Rose
I hurried into the local department store to grab somelast
minute Christmas gifts. I looked at all the people and
grumbled to myself. I would be in here forever and I just had
so much to do. Christmas was beginning to become such a
drag. I kinda wished that I could just sleep through Christmas.
But I hurried the best I could through all the people to the toy
department. Once again I kind of mumbled to myself at the
prices of all these toys. And wondered if the grandkids would
even play with them.
I found myself in the doll aisle. Out of the corner of my eye I
saw a little boy about 5 holding a lovely doll. He kept
touching her hair and he held her so gently. I could not seem
to help myself. I just kept looking over at the little boy and
wondered who the doll was for. I watched him turn to a
woman and he called his aunt by name and said, "Are you sure
I don't have enough money" She replied a bit impatiently,
"You know that you don't have enough money for it. The aunt
told the little boy not to go anywhere that she had to go get
some other things and would be back in a few minutes. And
then she left the aisle.
The boy continued to hold the doll. After a bit I asked the boy
who the doll was for. He said,"It is the doll my sister wanted
so badly for Christmas. She just knew that Santa would bring
it." I told him that maybe Santa was going to bring it. He said
"No, Santa can't go where my sister is...I have to give the doll
to my Mamma to take to her." I asked him where his sister
was. He looked at me with the saddest eyes and said "She was
gone to be with Jesus." My Daddy says that Mama is going to
have to go be with her. My heart nearly stopped beating.
Then the boy looked at me again and said, "I told my Daddy to
tell Mama not to go yet. I told him to tell her to wait till I got
back from the store." Then he asked me if I wanted to see his
picture. I told him I would love to. He pulled out some
pictures he'd had taken at the front of the store. He said "I
want my Mamma to take this with her so she don't ever forget
me." "I love my Mama so very much and I wish she did not
have to leave me." "But Daddy says she will need to be with
my sister."
I saw that the little boy had lowered his head and had grown
so very quiet. While he was not looking I Reached into my
purse and pulled out a handful of bills. I asked the little boy,
"Shall we count that money one more time?" He grew excited
and said "Yes, I just know it has to be enough".So I slipped
my money in with his and we began to count it. Of course it
was plenty for the doll. He softly said, "Thank you Jesus for
giving me enough money." Then the boy said "I just asked
Jesus to give me enough money to buy this doll so Mama can
take it with her to give to my sister." "And he heard my
prayer. "I wanted to ask him for enough to buy my Mama a
white rose, but I didn't ask him, but he gave me enough to buy
the doll and a rose for my Mama." "She loves white roses so
very, very
much."
In a few minutes the aunt came back and I wheeled my cart
away. I could not keep from thinking about the little boy as I
finished my shopping in a totally different spirit than when I
had started. And I kept remembering a story I had seen in the
newspaper several days earlier about a drunk driver hitting a
car and killing a little girl and the Mother was in serious
condition. The family was deciding on whether to remove the
life support. Now surely this little boy did not belong with that
story.
Two days later I read in the paper where the family had
disconnected the life support and the young woman had died. I
could not forget the little boy and just kept wondering if the
two were somehow connected. Later that day, I could not help
myself and I went out and bought some white roses and took
them to the funeral home where the young woman was. And
there she was holding a lovely white rose, the beautiful doll,
and the picture of the little boy in the store. I left there in tears,
my life changed forever.
The love that little boy had for his little sister and his mother
was overwhelming. And in a split second a drunk driver had
ripped the life of that little boy to pieces.
**************************************************
You now have the choice, you can:
1) pass this on to your friends
2) delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart
THINGS YOU DID...
- took swimming lessons - built forts
- Get in Shape Girl - 5 cent lemonade stands
- played house - played war games
- watched MTV at your friend's house because you never had cable
- those pyramid things made out of paper -- you know, the ones that
said who you were going to marry when you opened them up (colors
on the outside, numbers in the middle, names on the inside)
- put cards in your bicycle spokes to make cool noises
- prank phone calls
* Is your refrigerator running? Well you better go catch it!
* Is John there? If John's not there, where do you go to the bathroom?
- hand-clapping games
* Miss Mary Mack
- jump rope chants
* Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear...
* Cinderella, dressed in yella...
- jumped on the bed until your parents came in to yell at you,
pretended to go to bed until they left, then doing it again
until your parents got REALLY mad and used your WHOLE name -- first,
middle AND last. You knew it was bad then!
GAMES YOU PLAYED...
- Barrel O' Monkeys - Don't Break the Ice
- Don't Spill the Beans - Ants in the Pants
- Lite Brite - Ghost in the Graveyard
- Kickball - Memory
- PacMan - Hungry, Hungry Hippos
- Pitfall - Kerplunk
- Twister - Cat's Cradle
- Red Light, Green Light - Chinese jump rope
- Chutes and Ladders - Truth or Dare
- Red Rover - Atari
- Simon Says - Hopscotch
- Kick the Can - Spin the Bottle
- Battleship - Capture the Flag
- Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board - Concentration
- dodge ball (didn't you always try to peg the other person as hard
as you could?)
TOYS/THINGS YOU HAD...
- Cabbage Patch Kids - big wheels
- Tonka Trucks - Rubik's cube
- Barbie and Ken - banana seat bikes
- Nerf anything - Sit and Spin
- roller skates - cap guns
- hoola hoops - Tiddlywinks
- Playdough Barber Shop - Shrinky Dinks
- Mr. Potato Head - Fashion Plates
- Silly Putty - Koosh balls
- kazoos - Garbage Pail Kids
- rubber stamps - slinky
- pogo balls - Etch-A-Sketch
- matchbox cars - paint by numbers
- Legos - Yo-Yo's
- Erector sets - cooties
- The Betty Crocker Bake Oven - smeller markers
- sticker books - Oxy-10
- Electric Toothbrushes - sleepover parties
READING MATERIAL...
- Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys
- The Babysitter's Club
- MadLibs
- Highlights magazine
- Doctor Seuss
THE FOODS YOU ATE...
- Spaghetti O's and Meatballs - Little Debbie Cakes
- Fruit Roll Ups - Push-up-Pops
- Dinosaur eggs - Pixy Stix
- Capri Sun - Sugar Daddy's
- candy - candy buttons
- candy necklaces - Mr. Freeze's
- PEZ - Bubble Tape
- Atomic Fireballs - Hubba Bubba
- Pop Rocks - Red Hots
- Big League Chew -Fruit Snacks
CHARACTERS...
- Alf - the Chipmunks
- Snoopy -- AKA "Joe Cool" - Mr. Bill from Gumby and Pokey
- Pound Puppies - The Jolly Green Giant
- He-man - Thundercats
- Transformers - Underdog
- Mighty Mouse - Danger Mouse
- Speedy Gonzales - Strawberry Shortcake
- Rainbow Brite - My Little Ponies
- Smurfs - Snorks
- G.I. Joe - She-Ra
- Scooby Doo - Wonderwoman
- Jem - Gummi Bears
- Fraggles - Muppets
- Warm Fuzzies - Fat Albert
- Golden Girls - Winnie the Pooh
- Holly Hobby - Pee Wee
T.V. SHOWS...
- Chips - You Can't Do That on Television
- Facts of Life - Dukes of Hazard
- Dallas - Dynasty
- Miami Vice - the A-Team
- Falcon Crest - Knots Landing
- Cosby Show - Knight Rider
- Family Ties - anything on Nickelodeon
- Laverne and Shirley - Mork and Mindy
- Double Dare - Three's Company
- American Bandstand - Star Search
- Growing Pains - Who's the Boss?
- Different Strokes - Sesame Street
- Mr. Rogers - 3-2-1 Contact
- Electric Company - Reading Rainbow
- the NEW Mickey Mouse Club - The REAL Looney Toons
- The Bloodhound Gang - Little House on the Prairie
- Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys
- Bionic Woman and the 6 Million Dollar Man
MOVIES...
- Teen Wolf - any After-School Special
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off - Back to the Future
- Goonies - Exorcist
- Star Wars - Top Gun
-Can't Buy Me Love - Pretty in Pink
- Sixteen Candles - Breakfast Club
- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
ACTORS & ACTRESSES...
- Molly Ringwald - Daisy Duke
- Alyssa Milano - Michael J. Fox
- Kirk Cameron
- Johnny Depp
MUSIC GROUPS AND SINGERS...
- Air Supply - Mike and the Mechanics
- Kiss - Twisted Sister
- Alice Cooper - Iron Maiden
- Paula Abdul - Whitney Houston
- Depeche Mode - Pet Shop Boys
- Billy Ocean - The California Raisins
- Debbie Gibson - Tiffani
- The Bangles - New Kids on the Block
- Vanilla Ice - Sheena Easton
- Jefferson Starship - Chicago
- Van Halen - Heart
- Fleetwood Mac -M.C. Hammer
- Michael Jackson (in all three stages -- cool, not cool, white)
- Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band
- Wierd Al
THE SONGS...
- All I Need is a Miracle - St. Elmo's Fire
- Karma Cameleon - Wild Thing
- Amadeus - 867-5309
- Take on Me - Walk Like an Egyptian
- Jessie's Girl - Wild, Wild West
- So Alive - Eternal Flame
- Waiting for a Girl Like You - I Just Died in Your Arms
- Ghostbusters - Morning Train
- Queen of Hearts - Broken Wings
- When I'm With You - When I see you Smile
- I Can't Fight this Feeling - Manic Monday
- We Are the World - The Search is Over
- Angel Eyes - Jump
Do you remember... your first date?
your first kiss?
the first teacher you hated?
the first teacher you loved?
Think of all the memories that this has brought back. This is not a
chain letter, but just think about how you felt when you read it.
Pass the memories on to some of your friends!
------------ The English Language-----------------
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither
apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is
in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French
fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse,
2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as
heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill
in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by
going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and
off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is
coming or going!!!
The Fence
There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of
nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail
in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the
fence.
Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold
Temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He
Told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out
One nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father
That all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him
To the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes
In the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in
anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and
draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound
is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are a
very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to
succeed.
They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to
Open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to
everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending back to the
person who sent it to you.
**********************************************************************
CLC reader Gareth informs me that this story refers relates to the two
finger salute (meaning 'f*ck off') which is more common in the UK, not
the one fingered 'giving the finger' used in the USA
**********************************************************************
In the film, Titanic, the character Rose is shown giving the finger to her
fiance's manservant (another character). Many people who have seen the film
question whether "giving the finger" was really done around the time of the
Titanic disaster, or if it is a more recent gesture invented by some defiant
seventh-grader.
According to research, here's the true story:
Giving the Finger - Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French,
anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all
captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in
the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and
the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck
yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother
pheasant plucker," which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the
arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in
conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something
to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on
the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
And yew all thought yew knew everything!
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Ledere St Paul's School The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the philatelists, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns-- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands.There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.Then came the middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in the tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.This ruined Booth's career.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest, even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell,
and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no
one has ever seen a copy of it. Here is a copy
obtained directly from Homosexual Headquarters.
The Homosexual Agenda
6 a.m. Gym
8 a.m. Breakfast (oatmeal and eggwhites)
9 a.m. Hair appointment
10 a.m. Shopping (Macy's or Nordstrom)
12 p.m. Brunch
2 p.m. (1) Assume complete control of U.S. Federal,
state, and local governments, as well as all
the other national governments
(2) Destroy all healthy marriages
(3)Replace all school counselors in grades
K-12 with militant homosexuals who seek to
recruit children for the homosexual lifestyle
(4) Bulldoze all houses of worship
(5) Sieze control of internet and all other
media
(6) Be utterly fabulous
3 p.m. Beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from
the stresses of world conquest, followed by
aroma therapy
4 p.m. Cocktails
6 p.m. Light dinner (soup, salad with arugula &
balsamic vinegar dressing, Chardonnay)
8 p.m. Theater
10 p.m. Cocktails in a charming neighborhood bistro
12 a.m. Bed (du jour)
**************************************
This was written by the senior editor
at the Internet Movie Database
http://www.imdb.com/ when he was still
a sturggling writer. Check out his web
site at http://www.bulmash.com/
**************************************
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food
establishment. (Actually it's not. It was always meant as a humor
piece, but it's nice to think someone had the guts to submit this.)
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If
I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I
be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I
may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in
Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO
THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say
10. Could our relationship be more physical?
I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
**********************
The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say
10. I think The Village People are some cool motherfuckers.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
4. Maybe I could do the dishes tonight.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I get to hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost, we'd better pull over and ask for directions.
The living dead
This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde for a position in
his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he
asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who
would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The Man Who Loved Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in
love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself,
"She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like
this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after
that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that
he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off
any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three
extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time
he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair
at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point
he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him
promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to
one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He
had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came
on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine Revving
and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his
arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about
returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his
weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner;
the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later
the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on
the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting
and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands
on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he
had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he ahd not peeked, she
removed the blindfold and yelled
"SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.
"The Mathematics Of Relationships"
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were
continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both
wanted to get skewed. The day their lines first intersected, they
became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They
were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and
parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and
he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she
postulated each time she reached her local maximum. They had many
simultaneous solutions. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly
defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent
multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex,
the critical point, their finite limit.
After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a
right-handed limit, that was a problem, it was improper form. He
meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. It
seemed as though she was from another dimension. Things just weren't
adding up.
They diverged. That was a real plus because he needed to get her out of
his domain. She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is
somewhat undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he
did a cosine on a loan for his son, Ray.
The movies
One day a tall lady decides to go to the movies and relax. When she
arrives the janitor comes up to here and says your hair smells nice. The
women is furited after the movie she goes to the manager and want to file
for sexulal harisment the manager lookes puzled and asks why she says"he
said my hair smelt nice and the manager said whats worng with that and
she replies you don't get it he's a migdet
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied:
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the nomsignors advice. At the beginning of
the sremon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note taped to the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and the Spook.
8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, do not say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub,
Thanks for the Grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
This was sent to me as a chain letter, but since I hate those things, I cut
off that part. But if for some reason you like them, send this to some
friends for some supposed good luck. Otherwise, it's just for fun. Hope
you enjoyed it.
The Old Lady Bet
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of
the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot ofmoney!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank
president the asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto
his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around.. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I
make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The
old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls
are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never
win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you
like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot
of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00am as
a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from
side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his ballswere
square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am,the little old lady appeared
withher lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer
to the president and repeated the bet: $25,000 says the president's
balls are square!" he president agreed with the bet again and the old
lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president
complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked
if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a
lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he
noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with
your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at
10:00am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my
hand."
##################################################
THE PERFECT STORY
- Submitted by Jane Cowman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,
they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a
winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the
perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (scroll down for
the answer).
The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.
==========================================
AMEN TO THAT, LADIES!!! WE ARE WOMAN; HEAR US ROAR!
The Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Here you go: a complete mockery of all the chain letters as we know
them. Read on to see exactly what you've been waiting for, for a long
time.
The four basic types of chain letters:
Chain Letter Type 1:
-------------------
Make a wish!!!
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger (hand) getting tired yet?
STOP, DAMMIT!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel
guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a
certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a
mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Becuase, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake
ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes.
Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.
5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
20 to 674, 951 1/2 people: 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people will be pissed off
at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
-------------------
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
legs,no parents, and no willie. This little boy's life could be saved,
because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be
donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Willieless Boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting
letters sent and this is all bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to
5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally
send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
-------------------
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible becuase there was no email then and probably not as
many bitchy little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it
works. Pass this on to 1-5067 people in the next 7 minutes or something
horrible will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack
in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a
flood of shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she
smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored
it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend(hey,
some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They
continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable
kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this
letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.
Chain Letter Type 4:
-------------------
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your
friends.
Friends
-A friend is someone who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like shit,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
your loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the
check and leaves and doesn't speak much English,
-no sorry that's the cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you shitty chain letters because he
wants his wish of his crush sucking his schlong to come true.
Chain Letter Type 5:
-------------------
Look! It's the Cellestial Magic Box of Sulawontity that has been sent to you!!
_______________________
| |
| * |
| * |
| * |
| * |
| * |
| * |
| * |
| * |
|_______________________|
This shitty piece of ascii art made by my little sister who's in the sixth grade
can bring great things to you when you meditate on it until your eyes
permenantly cross. But only if you send this magic box to 10 of your friends
within the next 24 hours!! If you don't the box will steal your mind and you'll
constantly be forced to write Type 6 Chain letters.
Chain Letter Type 6:
-------------------
Take this great, fun quiz!! Just answer all the questions and then read the
results down below!
1) Your mother's name
2) Your grandfather's name
3) Your sister's name
4) Your dog's name
5) Your favorite fruit
6) Smallest thing you've ever seen
7) Favorite movie
8) Flight of the BumbleBee or Flight of the Valkyries
9) Favorite place to bury dead bodies
10) Highest number you can think of
11) Smallest number you can think of
12) Scariest nightmare involving Satan
Now let's match up your answers and see how you did!!
1) Is the person you have a crush on...
2) Who you'll have to kill cause he's boning her...
3) Is the person you dream of you and your crush having a BDSM 3-way with...
4) Is the person who'll videotape...
5) Is what you'll use to get them off cause...
6) Is how big your willie is...
7) The title you'll give the porno when it comes out...
8) The music the porno will feature when your crush is bouncing around...
9) Where you'll bury their lifeless corpses afterwards...
10) How many people you have to send this to for this to actually happen...
11) In this amount of time...
12) Or this will happen to you.
Wasn't that fun!!
Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will screw you in your sleep!!
There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain
letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any
popularity,send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't
bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!!
If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two
minutes andforward it. Thanks!
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or
moving to the South, there are a few things you should know
that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles.
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-
wheel drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of
their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All
ya'll's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from
around here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This
is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of
saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying,
they can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big 'ol
truck" or "big 'ol boy".
Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay
out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever
say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything
or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle
of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John
Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that
vehicle.
In the South we have found that the best way to grow a lush,
green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we
will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens
in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up
sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar
having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and
says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
The Top 14 Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader
14> Using the Force, young Darth could unhook a bra on the
other side of the planet.
13> Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin
teacher's house.
12> The power to cause volcanic pimple eruptions on the faces
of his mortal enemies.
11> Could make Obi-Wan Kenobi pee his pants by sneaking in
his room and putting his hand in warm water.
10> Ability to sweet-talk girls into "rubbing his helmet."
9> For a white kid, he did a pretty damn good James Earl Jones
impression.
8> Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with "take no
prisoners" attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent.
7> The old Jedi "your lunch money is mine" trick.
6> Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after
only one bean burrito.
5> Won the high school talent show every year by making the
vice principal writhe in pain.
4> Ability to activate "Trouser Saber" at will.
3> The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe
that through the constant application of love and
understanding *they* can change him.
2> "You don't need to see my I.D. You know I'm old enough to
buy beer."
and Topfive.com's Number 1
Special Power of the Young Darth Vader...
1> Pasty skin + jet-black wardrobe + intense aura of impending
doom = Goth babe magnet!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ]
THE UGLY DUCKLING
- submitted by Becky Hays
___________________________
One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had
a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the
gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven.
There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't
bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in
any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven
for all eternity."
The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her
laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had
stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person
in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly
torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second
teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second
ugliest person in Heaven.
The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to
these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen,
she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen.
She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said,
"He stepped on a duck."
THE WORLD'S "THINNEST" BOOKS (Part II)
STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED by Elizabeth Taylor
BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
DOWN HILL SKIING by Sonny Bono
ATLANTIC CROSSINGS OF THE TITANIC by White Star Lines
NIGHT FLYING by JFK, JR.
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
MEMORIES OF MY LIFE by Ronald Reagan
THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
DETROIT-A TRAVEL GUIDE
DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
*****Things Guys think Girls should know*****
We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.
No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole.
We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with
you.
Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us. If you have cramps
and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and
nothing more.
If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache,
beard, or sideburns looked cool.
We never shave our legs. Get over it.
NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.
Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you
don't.
When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
We absolutely do not care about, The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 degrees,
or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
What does pms stande for?
We may not be able to pee acurately all of
the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you dont't
have to apologize
when you do something "wrong".
You expect us to say and do sweet things for
you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while.
We like to know that you love us. We can't always be spontaneous, so try
to help us make the plans sometimes.
Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might just get what
you wish for.
Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say".
Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we
believe you.
Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better
anyway. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a
relationship.
PMS is not an excuse.
If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up
when you're done.
Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
And always remember: The way to a guys heart
is through his stomach.....and maybe....oh nevermind.
And last but not least:
We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
IF YOU SEND THIS TO:
0-5 people > bad luck
6-10 people > your crush will notice you
10-15 people > your crush will kiss you
15+ people > your crush will fall in love with you
Things I Must Try to Remember
by our puppy
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater (or snow) out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not help Mom with the gardening by digging up all the flowers she just planted.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
I will not shred the newspaper and redistribute it across the living room -- especially not before Dad has read the Sports section.
I will give lots of kisses -- but I must remember to not lick toes, ears or glasses
Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted
to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used
as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If
you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive
an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local
terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to
make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have
to go back .... we..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the
reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more
efficiently now. (Ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)
8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal
driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
9. This is your Captain speaking....these dang planes are a lot different
than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades
and watched the inflight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and OH
NO!..
12. Don't worry that one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me ... or I'll have what the Captain's having.
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -
even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere
in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give
him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have
lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending
phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by
one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked
out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.
THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:
======================
1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for
the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.
3.The Norwich Life commercial where the old bastard answers the phone,
says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He
bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to
tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and It's Patrick".
And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick
markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?
4.When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". Fuck off. What good is a goddam cake you can't eat? What,
should I eat someone else's cake Instead?
5.When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
people do this? Who and where are they?
6.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my
crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
7. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?"
No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the
fuckin ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
8. BIG hair
9. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a
choice,..... did ya there buddy?
10. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.
11. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know why he
pulled you over. You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me
over! (For us this should be Number 1)
~* Things to do at a boring movie*~
1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to
you if you have some Juiji fruits for your asthma
7. During the previews,yell,"Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious,
say, "Watch out!!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls
bathroom is flooding
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have
diarrhea and wink while smiling
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get
popcorn yell,"I'm Batman! Hahahahaha!!!!!" and
run away
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming
through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you
because your invisible friend already is.
16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"
If you send:
0-4 you will have very bad luck for
the next week or two.
5-9 the person you like will flirtwith you.
10-14 the person you like will put a note in your
locker saying he/she likes you.
15-19 the person you like will ask you out.
19-20 the person you like will kiss you.
20-??? The person you like will do all
the above except 0-4
SEND THIS TO A LOT OF PEOPLE. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!!
Things To Do At the Mall
1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your
butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to
consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are
in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're
"astronaut food".
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist
that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say,
"You mean you really can't see it?"
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in
clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour
while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether
they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw
cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether
there's much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your
own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you
lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color
of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see
France..."
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander
around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric
versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give
you a really wicked buzz".
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap
made out of straw".
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around
in it.
39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved
by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone
tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a
Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one
flattop!"
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully
announce that none of them are "leakproof".
42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of
explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments
over whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and
say "Domino's."
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to
scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've
seen this man."
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish
it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
51. Blast a Kenny G demo in the CD store, and headbang while playing air
guitar.
52. One word - STREAK!*
53. Sit with a group of friends in the middle of the mall, and have everyone
stare up at the ceiling. Count the people walking by who start looking up,
too*.
54. In department stores, turn on toys that randomly make noise, talk, croak,
etc., and place them in inconspicuous, strategic locations.*
55. Randomly scatter handfuls of those caps that "pop!" when stepped on.
Quite effective in indoor malls.*
56.Place one of those fake, plastic piles of dog-doo on the ground, in the
middle of the mall where everyone walks. Sit nearby, and watch what happens
- you'll never see anything this funny!!! Also most effective in indoor
malls.*
**These contributed by C. R. who has really done# 53,54,55 & 56; and really
saw some guy doing #52, when she was at the mall.)
THINGS TO SAY AT THANKSGIVING
Reach in and grab the giblets.
Whew, that's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
"and he forced his way into the end zone..."
She's 5000 pounds fully inflated
and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
It's Cool Whip time!!!!
If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!
It must be broken,
cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE OR NOT BUT IT SOUNDS RIGHT..
THIS YEARS FRESHMAN
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin put together a
list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this
year's incoming freshmen.
Here is this year's list:
*The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were born in 1982.
*They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
probably did not know he had ever been shot.
*They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
*They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not
remember the Cold War.
*They have never feared a nuclear war.
*They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
*Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
*Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
*Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The statement you sound
like a broken record means nothing to them.
*They have never owned a record player.
*They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of
Ping-Pong.
*They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was
introduced when they were 1 year old.
*They have always had an answering machine.
*They have never seen a rotary-dial telephone.
*Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,
nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
*They have always had cable.
*There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
*They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
*They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
*Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
*Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
*They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
*Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
*They have never seen Larry Bird play.
*They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
*They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
*They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
*They never heard: " Where's the beef?"," I'd walked a mile for a
Camel", or "de plane, de plane".
*They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
*Michael Jackson has always been white.
*Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
*They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? pass this on to the other old fogies in your life.
Have a great day!
Joke 1:
A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through
sensory perception. One day, she brought in rolls of Lifesavers of all flavors.
"Children," she announced, passing out the Lifesavers, "I'd like you to close
your eyes and taste these and tell me what they are."
The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when
the teacher gave them the honey-flavored Lifesavers, every one of the kids was
stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy
probably call each other all the time."
Instantly one of the kids nearly gagged and hollered, "Spit 'em out, they're
assholes!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke 2:
NEW DRUGS
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented
towards improving the performance of men in today's society..
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little"
accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
* Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to
buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two
days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than
your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases
back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group
an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note:
Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about
their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential
Strength versions
=========================================================
===============
Joke 3:
Miss Bee was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness
to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass
bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a
condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bee had flipped... or something! But he certainly couldn't mention
the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they
began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bee," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." (Pointing to the
bowl)
"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and
I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it
would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold
all winter."
The Three Strong Mice.
Once there were three mice standing around bragging about how strong
they are. The first mouse says boastfully "I'm so strong that I can
get the cheese out of the mouse trap without even getting hurt".
The second mouse says "oh yeah? Well I can go and raid the fridge and
get what I want, when I want so beat that!" Now at this point the
third mouse begins to walk away shaking his head and the first two
mice say to him "Hey! where are you going?" and to that the third
mouse replies "Oh, I Have to go and fuck the cat again!".
A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me
Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume
and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy
of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work
and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he
does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly
line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the
line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00
AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel
Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line
manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just
hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about
how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel
Manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos
are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end
of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the
material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2
marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally
after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself
together and walks over to the new employee and says "I'm
sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted
you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
Do you have time for Him The Master called my name one
day because he needed someone to go.
I said " Lord, in my spare time, between school, spending time
with my husband, working from 8 to 6, and trying to
coordinate a program for my community to help our children
do better, I will help you look. See, I know I can't go right
now cause I have so much to do."
He said "Well, where shall I find such a person? I thought I
saw your name on my list of available people."
"Well Lord, that was the prayer that I prayed last year, but
since then, things have changed."
He said "Like what?"
"Well I'm working on my Ph.D. and I'm needed by so many
people and my husband is always wanting something done,
and on top of that my community EXPECTS me to help and
give to them so..."
"Well, seeing that you're busy, I'll let you go, but we will talk
again, if YOU have some time."
I went on through the days, and the weeks, and the months
completing my task as always.
One evening, while studying for my comp exams, I received a
call from the hospital concerning my husband. He had been in
a terrible accident and was in critical condition. I dropped
everything and ran to The hospital where I found my husband
hanging on for dear life. I immediately begin to pray "Lord,
don't take him now, I can't bear it". But my prayer echoed off
the wall and returned into mine own ear.
That next morning I left the hospital tired and weary, and
walked in the door of my classroom just in time to begin my
comps. As the professors begin asking me questions I opened
my mouth to speak but nothing came out. In my mind, I begin
praying, praying hard, but my prayer echoed again and found
myself upset at God because he was no where to be found. I
could not explain to them what was happening.
After leaving from my exams, I called in to work because I
was so distraught at all that was going on. I explained to my
supervisor what had happened and she demanded that I take
some time off. After visiting my husband in the hospital that
evening, I went home and fell into a sunken state crying and
despairing. Just then I heard someone calling my name.
"Lord, is that YOU?"
"Well yes it is. Do YOU have some time? I wanted to see if I
could just talk ..... "
Instead of waiting to hear his questions, I lashed out in anger
and resentment.
"How is it that when I needed you today, YOU couldn't be
found and last night I cried and cried but all I heard were
echoes from the walls. My husband is dying, I'm flunking out
of school, I may not have a job and you can just sit and say
YOU want to talk."
The Lord interrupted me in my foolish speaking. "My child, I
was busy, out looking for someone to go and tell others about
me when you cried. By the time I came to answer, you had
moved on to something else. So, I decided to let your husband
rest, and keep you home for a few days that way MAYBE you
would get in touch with me, if YOU had some time.
For you see, before your husband, the community or your job
needs you, I NEED YOU. And if all these things take you
away from me, I have to almost take them away from YOU, in
order to get a moment."
I calmed down and began to cry. For I remembered my prayer
of wanting to go and work for the Lord.
He said "I just wanted to recheck with you to see if you knew
if ANYONE that I could send to be a witness for me and tell
others about me.....any one at all....?"
With tears in my eyes and feeling so unworthy I said " Lord,
send me, I'll go."
God should never have to ask us if we have some time. When
he died on the cross, he put aside everything to insure us
eternal life. We should be more than GRATEFUL to do
service for the Lord, to witness, and to tell ANYONE we can
about Jesus. Don't let your things, WHATEVER they may be,
get you so tied up that God has to become a meeting time in
your yearly planner. He had more than enough time for us.
The least we could do is have time for him.
Please pass this on, if YOU have some time.
TIPS FOR A LIFETIME
1) Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.
2) Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the
hotgriddle - perfect shaped pancakes every time.
3) To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
4) To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the
water before hard-boiling.
5) Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies
treats in the pan-the marshmallows won't stick to your fingers.
6) To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room
temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter
before squeezing.
7) To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop
or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring
to a boil on stove top - skillet will be much easier to clean now.
8) Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in
tomato-based sauces - no more stains.
9) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead - no white mess on the outside of the cake.
10) If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato - it absorbs the excess salt for an instant
"fix me up".
11) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator - it
will keep for weeks.
12) Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.
13) Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back
up.
14) When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring
out the corn's natural sweetness.
15) To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool,
salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh; if it rises to the surface,
throw it away.
16) Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
17) Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.
18) If you have problem opening jars: Try using platex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
19) Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and
rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
20) To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the
area - instant relief.
21) Ants, ants, ants everywhere .. Well, they are said to never cross
a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or
wherever ants tend to march- see for yourself.
22) Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better
still, leave a lovely smell to the shine.
23) When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before
resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the
splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters
painlessly and easily.
24) Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer: Clean a toilet. Drop
in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush.
The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. Clean a
vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill
with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop
two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry
for two minutes. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer
tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). Unclog a
drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down
the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar Wait a few minutes,
then run the hot water.
25) If your VCR has a year setting on it, which most do, you will not
be able to use the programmed recording feature after 12/31/99. Don't
throw it away. Instead set it for the year 1972 as the days are the
same as the year 2000. The manufacturers won't tell you. They want you
to buy a new Y2k VCR.
The Best Fruit Cake Ever Ingredients:
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup nuts
1 or 2 quarts of aged whiskey
Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, ain't it?
Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the
whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the
highest quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you
can.
Repeat.
With an eclectic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at
this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad
while you weren't lookin'. Open second quart if nestessary.
Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit an beat til high. If druit gets
shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.
Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of
salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a schit.
Chample the whitchey shum more.
Shitf in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add
100 babblespoons of brown booger or whushever's closhest and mix well.
Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole
mesh into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle.
Check dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.
Dear Marion,
I don't care what people said, I for one missed your traditional fruit cake this
year. When Jon came home with this recipe, I thought perhaps this would
inspire you to get back on track for next year;
HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE
You will need the following; a cup of water, a cup of sugar, flour, 4 large brown
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon
jice, nuts, and a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey.
Sample the whiskey and check the quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl.. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat
two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fit. Mix on the
turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon uice and strain
your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of something. Whatever you find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the
turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to
bed.
(From "The Daily Universe", the BYU daily newspaper, February 9, 1998)
(Snide Remarks, by Eric Snyder)
Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big boat that
sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting
worked up about. Some of you - I am speaking to the women here - have seen
this movie several times. And I would like to know why. Have the principles of
film-making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance
the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose
Your Own Adventure" movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you
see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die, including
the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down.
I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic took
only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. (Note to reader: From
the following choices, select the "this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and
go with it.) Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this
movie. Many marriages do not last as long as this movie. I had to shave twice
during this movie. Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and
Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie.
As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which
some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version
of "Titanic." All I want in return is a lot of money.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
1) Titanic Summarized
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1 -
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount
to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very
pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking
wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you
like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically
abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really
hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional,
perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least
a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than
you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
Scene 2 -
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact
that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry
indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand
for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo
will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)
Scene 3 -
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of
drinking.)
ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (Silence.)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?
Scene 4 -
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow
less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this
pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the
fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
Scene 5 -
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my
supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears
hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one.
I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine
Dion song.)
Titanic's Last Mystery Revealed!
For years the admiralty and maritime scholars have reviewed every
statistic regarding the late great ship. The simple facts were the
ship sailed with 2224 men, women and children aboard. Of that,
1503 perished while only 711 survived.
One of the last great mysteries was the previously unexplained
fact that of the 711 survivors, 704 were registered Republicans.
It had been only a theory for years, but recent events in Florida
confirm earlier suspicions!!!!
All Republicans were able to follow the "arrows" to the life
rafts!
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
You didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was
because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking
about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer
me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was
because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.
Once you read this letter you have to keep it going. This game
has been played since 1877. You must send this letter to 7 people
within 5 days. On the 5th day someone will ask you out or say "I
love, you." This is not a joke. It has worked for many years. If
you break the chain, you Will have bad luck with guys/girls
forever. Thus is just for future readers. This began in 1996, not
much of a past, but it works. So here are the
rules:
*If you read this on a Sunday, wish for a really fun week
*If you read this on a Monday, wish for money
*If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for love
*If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for success
*If you read this on a Thursday, wish for anything you want
*If you read this on a Friday, wish for a really hot date
*If you read this on a Saturday, wish for an important phone call
Send this to seven people (after you make a wish). Make sure it
Is mailed as soon as you read it or your wish won't come true. And
check!
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH . . .
If you think you're fat, you probably are . Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on
the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good
at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something
but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the
hassle
Tom Swifties:
1) "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, Dolefully.
2) "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said,
offhandedly.
3) "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside
himself.
4) "That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom
said, revolted.
5) "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.
6) "I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
7) "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said,
straightforwardly.
8) "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.
9) "I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.
10) "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.
11) "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with
condescension.
12) "I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.
13) "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom
remarked.
14) "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed,
remotely.
15) "I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.
17) "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.
18) "That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost
in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone
to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf
when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist,
or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put
the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never
be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden,
Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when
God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Top 10 slogans rejected by Motel 6:
10. Because you deserve better than the back-seat
of some car.
9. As seen on "COPS"
8. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you
wouldn't have money left over for the hooker.
7. It's Hookerriffic!
6. If we'd known you were staying all night,
we'd have changed the sheets.
5. We don't make the adultery,
we make the adultery BETTER!!
4. Not just for nooners any more.
3. We left off the "9", but you know it's there.
2. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel."
And the top slogan rejected by Motel 6 .....
1. We'll leave the Lysol out for ya!!
Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to.
10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's-- Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's---- Camp Lickacoochie
And the number one camp not to send your kid to:
1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee
Top 10 signs that you know it's time to join E-mailers Anonymous.
10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mailon
the way back to bed.
9. Your first born is named dotcom.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feelingof
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap..andyour
child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, justfor
the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
Drum roll, please.
And the #1 sign that you know it's time to join E-mailers Anonymous:
1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.
TOP 11 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by
8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on
your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in the Human
Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down
your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-- you can add "Exotic
Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you
keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work
drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
Top 12 Pickup Lines And Comebacks
(12) I know how to please a woman.
...then please leave me alone
(11) I want to give myself to you.
...sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
(10) Your hair color is fabulous.
...thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drugstore.
(9) You look like a dream.
...go back to sleep.
(8) I can tell that you want me.
...yes, I want you to leave.
(7) I'd go through anything for you.
...let's start with your bank account.
(6) May I have the last dance?
...you've just had it.
(5) Your place or mine?
...both. You go to your place and I'll go to mine.
(4) Your body is like a temple.
...sorry, there are no services today.
(3) Is this seat empty?
...yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
(2) What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
...what's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
And The #1 Pickup Line With Comeback...
(1) Haven't I seen you someplace before?
...yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Top 21 Things Not to Say When Pulled Over by the Cops
21. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
20. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
19. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
18. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
17. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police
officer.
16. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
15. Bad cop. No donut.
14. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
12. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
mcdonalds.
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around,
that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my
lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out
of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?
Top 25 Signs That You've Already Grown Up
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Fooling around in a twin sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and
breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids
next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the
beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet
Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is
for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a
bar.
Top 33 Sexy Lines from the Star Wars Trilogy
A New Hope
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
The Empire Strikes Back
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
Return of the Jedi:
13. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work." (C3PO)
12. "Hey, point that thing someplace else." (Han)
11. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master." (Emporer)
10. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia)
9. "I never knew I had it in me." (C3PO)
8. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab." (Lando)
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke)
6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit." (C3PO)
5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can." (Jerjerrod) with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them." (Darth)
4. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!" (Han) with "A little higher, just a little higher." (Lando)
3. "Short help's better than no help at all." (Han)
2. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one." (Han)
1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" (Han)
SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by Females)
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a
Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad
Pitt When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques of Calling Home
36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.
The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having
sex. (okay, this is more tilted for guys, but hey...it's a list and it's
not bad...)
50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"
49. "That would work better the other way around.."
48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"
47. "Damn, that's complicated."
46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."
45. "Alright already, _I_came."
44. "You guys need a value pak."
43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say
"Good show, old bean."
42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote.
Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions.
38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
37. Suggest your favorite position.
36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,
assume the position."
35. "Bring in the Gimp."
34. "Hold that pose."
33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing with
joy.
32. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
31. Sing "Shake your bootie."
30. "A little to the left."
29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see
me?"
28. "Is there room for two in there?"
27. "Two words: penis extension."
26. Invite others in as a cheering section.
25. Charge admission at the door.
24. Make and hold up score cards.
23. All of them should read 6.9.
22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.
21. "Maybe it would help if you.."
20. "That's what you call erect?"
19. "That reminds me of a joke I heard.."
18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"
17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"
16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."
15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."
14. "May I cut in?"
13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."
12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."
11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong,
explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.
10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your weaner
before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."
8. "MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."
7. "Let's make a sandwich."
6. "Is that hard enough for you?"
5. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"
4. "I think you dropped something."
3. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"
2. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you like they
would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"
1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"
" THE TOP SEVEN FEARS OF SNUGGLES THE FABRIC SOFTENER BEAR"
7. He Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from a lint trap.
6. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats.
5. He may end up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts.
4. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male.
3. Winnie-the-pooh will get drunk at family gathering & start loudly
suggesting that he should be the Fabric Softener Bear.
2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he
remains "Snugly" forever.
1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower.
Top Ten Elf Pick Up Lines
Submitted By:
JT
1. "I'm down here"
2. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."
3. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi. Want to meet him?"
4. "I can get you off Santa's naughty list."
5. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
6. "I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?"
7. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler."
8. "Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
9. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
10. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS
BETTER THAN SEX
12) If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
11) If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
10)You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the
sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you
some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're
someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your
body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a Dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
SEND THIS TO 0 PEOPLE
YOU WILL NEVER HAVE GOOD SEX AGAIN
NOT EVEN WITH YOURSELF!
SEND THIS TO 1-5 PEOPLE
YOU WILL HAVE GOOD SEX
BUT ONLY WITH YOURSELF
SEND THIS TO 6-10 PEOPLE
YOU WILL HAVE GOOD SEX WITH
EVERYBODY YOU HAVE SEX WITH
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires
10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance of the 25 mph speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Best Blow Job In Town'
1. "You can't recall a better tire."
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother.(You remind me of
that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I
don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I
don't want you spending the whole night or else
you may hear phone calls from all the other guys
I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat
and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date
you if you were in the same 'solar system', much
less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even
something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is
better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men
like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around
so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all
the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the
male perspective thing.)
In response...The male perspective on the same
issue...
Top 10 rejection lines given by Men
(and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)
PASS THIS ON TO 10 PEEPS OR YOU WILL ALWAYS GET REJECTED!
The Top 9 Sexual Jokes of all time!
#9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am,
if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
# 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
# 7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that
American
Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
# 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he
rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
# 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
# 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just
talking to her.On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and
suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his
wife.
He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a
real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try
oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he
doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet
and tells the doctor his wife is
dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator
up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll
open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove
my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a
beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a
hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle".
# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the
small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping
his face and shaking him
and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
# 1
This one made it No.1 in just 1 day !!!!
Q) What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
A) "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A REDNECK WEDDING
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" Ushers ask
"Ford Or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That"
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden
5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"... some
guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been
doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck
rally
And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...
1. Sign in front of the church: No Shirt... No Shoes... No Problem!
Top Ten Things Men Understand about Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Just smile and pass it on!
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced
lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is
next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN! (Send this on to all the women you are
grateful to have as friends)
Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues
9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. Cinderella starts receiving Bashful's subscription to "Hustler."
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
5. When you wish upon a star...not a damn thing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With
Plastic Flashlights Parade."
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups.
Subject: Fwd: VIRUS WARNING
Author: Rodney Atkins
Date: 3/30/99 12:26 PM
Hey Hector,
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute
to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
Thanks, Laocoon
>WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO
>NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your
>ENTIRE CITY! The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
>tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be
>abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
>incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed
>Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your
>women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT!
>Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
>
>FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>
>Poseidon
>=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
Laocoon,
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one
involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who
ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."
Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
1)This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were
really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post
it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with
Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a
real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your
entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all. Next time you get a
message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once
you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying
this kind of stuff is.
Bye now,
Hector
Trouble in Heaven
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an
affair with a former worshiper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old
woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only
son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking
about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his
child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "No sexual relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come
out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any
commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled
laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know
only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who
are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out
that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was
originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in
order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's
investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the
large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last
election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and
Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the
giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special
interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true then this could be a huge blow to God's
career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and
harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-
crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been
introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed
out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers
for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being
an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
The TRUE ending to "the Empire Strikes Back":
------------------------------------------------------
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is
backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.
A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes
spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs
away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to
go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to
your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be
true...
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else?
You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I
was 7 years old...
Luke: No...
Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done?
Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even
levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I
single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid
Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father
never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo
hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh
wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was
you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10
years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human
to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I
don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then
plunges down the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut you F$#king hippy!
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking
to their diet.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges,
but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies.
They would put them down somewhere and forget where they
left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can
make a woman gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in
the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old
because you stop laughing.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing
together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while
and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads
to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is
when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she
can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen....... had to be a girl. - We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
'TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
'TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING
NOT EVEN A MOUSE.
I TURNED ON THE POWER
BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING
I GRAB THE COMPUTER
AND START BANGING AND JERKING.
I LAID OUT THREE GRAND
FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK
ON JANUARY 1ST
THE DAMN THING WENT "KERPLUNK"!
WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW
IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER
MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED
TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER.
I TURNED ON THE TV
THE CABLE IS DOWN
MY MICROWAVE OVEN
IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS.
MY NEW VCR
IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK
NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING
NOT EVEN THE CLOCK.
IT'S TWENTY BELOW
THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON
THE FURNACE WON'T WORK
THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING
THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
AT A WORSE TIME
I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE
ON MY BEHIND.
I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND
AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY
THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK
IN REGARDS TO MY MONEY.
"WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION
AND SAVINGS WITH CARE
BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON
YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE
WE WERE Y2K READY
WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES
BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU
YOUR BALANCE IS..ZERO"!
I DROP THE RECEIVER
TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH
I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE
THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH.
I TURNED ON THE FAUCET
NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK
I HEAD OUT THE DOOR
TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.
I JUMP IN THE CAR
TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH
IT ONLY GOES "CLICK"
I SCREAM,"SON OF A BITCH!"
A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION
HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE
NOT SET UP
FOR THE "2000" DATE.
I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN
THIS CANNOT BE TRUE
NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY
WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO.
SHOUTING OBSCENITIES
AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT
HAPPY Y2K TO ALL
IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!
The Twelve Gay Days of Christmas
Letters to a Boyfirend at Christmas
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 14, 1997
Dearest James:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised. See you at the Black Party.
With deepest love and devotion,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 15, 1997
Dearest James:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable. I just painted the kitchen a great lavender color and the doves
really set it off.
All my love,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 16, 1997
Dearest James:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 17, 1997
Dear James,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful
but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 18, 1997
Dearest James:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. But you know I just love
jewelry!
All my love,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 19, 1997
Dear James:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying in my hallway.
So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I
ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket. And they're ruining my apartment.
One of them even ate my anal-eze lubricant and I had to use butter with my
new boyfriend.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 20, 1997
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of
God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the apartment and it
ruined my organdy carpet, and they never stop with the racket. You know how
I love long baths but the birds have taking over the bath tub.
I can't sleep at night even though I'm taking double doses of prozac and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 21, 1997
OK. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking? A gay man with 8 maids! It's not enough with all those birds and
8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is
shit all over the Place and I can't move in my own apartment. Just lay off
me, smart ass.
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 22, 1997
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? You know I like a little spanking now
And then, but now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning
Couldn't you at least find gay pipers? Give me some guys to amuse myself
while I curse you. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all
over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Lance
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 23, 1997
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. And my lesbian friends won't come over
because they're pigs and straight. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building
shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
Mr. James Smith
166 East End Avenue
New York, NY
December 24, 1994
Listen! Fuckhead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. All you do is
send fucking straight guys who are maid crazy. Some of those broads will
never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been
committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious
swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Lance
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
402 5th Ave.
New York, NY
December 25, 1997
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Mr. Lance Johnson. The destruction,
of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Mr. Johnson at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please
find attached warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
Two assholes
Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke,
were sent for.
Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over
and Clem looked and said "Nope, ain't Clyde.
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke
identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt
real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked
down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went
to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes!"
A Blonde girl just bought a new car and was tailgating a man that she thought was gorgeous. She kept honking and passing and letting him pass and driving badly.
Finally the man stopped and got out. The blonde stopped behind him. The man demanded, "Why are u tailgating me?" but then he cut her off and said, "Never mind. Look, I'm going to draw a circle on the ground. You stand in the circle and close your eyes, facing towards my car. DONT step out of the circle until i tell you to and DONT open your eyes or turn around."
The blonde agreed, because she thought he was going to do something wonderful. Meanwhile the man started bashing her car in. When he was done wrecking it, he said,"Ok, turn around now." The blonde turned and looked at her brand new, but now destroyed car. She began giggling and laughing. the man was furious. "WHY are you laughing!?" she looked shyly at him and said, "Well, when you werent looking, I stepped out of the circle."
A blonde was learning how to ride a horse. She was doing great. She got in the saddle and the horse started at an easy pace. It began to go faster and faster, and the blonde was enjoying herself so much that she closed her eyes. She opened them just in time to find herself slipping off the side of the horse. She was being dragged along the ground because her foot was caught inthe stirrup. her head was knocking against the concrete as she screamed, "Help! Help!! someone get me OFF!!! AHH!" so the Walmart man came over and unplugged the horse for her.
There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along
together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians
took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave.
He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the
answer... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off
his clothes and ran in to the cave.
The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what
that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.
"No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and
when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in
there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He
took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered,
When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!",
off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave
to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a
sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.
As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at
the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians
found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"
Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his
hopes of esctasy and grandure. He got in front of the cave and
hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call
of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!!
WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile
on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read, NEKKID
POLACK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as
one of the men says the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come
together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together
again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in
public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma
just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well - there's nothing to worry about -
If you are sick - there are only two things to worry about:
Either you will get well, or you will die.
If you get well - there's nothing to worry about.
If you die - there are only two things to worry about:
Either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven - there's nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell - you'll be so damn busy shaking hands
with friends, You won't have time to worry
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
____________________University
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed
from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
___1. The persons who copied my paper got a higher grade than I did.
___2. The person whose paper I copied got a higher grade than I did.
___3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't
get into:
___ Law School
___ Medical School
___ Graduate School
___ Dental School
___ My Fraternity/Sorority
___ The Mickey Mouse Club
___ Tri County Tech
___4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
______________________.
___5. I'll lose my scholarship.
___6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy
of your exam.
___7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did
not cover the material asked for on the exam.
___8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
___9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked
about general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
___ Males
___ Jews
___ Blacks
___ Females
___ Catholics
___ Whites
___ Protestants
___ Moslems
___ Minorities
___ Chicanos
___ People
___ Students
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at
least cut my allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following
illness:
___ mono
___ flu
___ broken baby finger
___ acute alcoholism
___ turet's syndrome
___ hang nail
___ other ___________________
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how
you wanted that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
___ too detailed to pick out important points
___ not explained in sufficient detail
___ too boring
___ all jokes and not enough material
___ all of the above
__17. This course was:
___ too early, I was not awake.
___ at lunchtime, I was hungry
___ too late, I was tired
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book,
notes, paper) for this course.
__19. Other___________________________________________________
Follow up to Last Weeks Internet Rules
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man named Richard
Brunner, was home recovering from having been served a rat
in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which was like
deja vu as earlier in the day he found a mouse inside his
Coke can). He had a big fight that night with his new
girlfriend Francesca Irina Deeyenda and so anyway, he went
to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was
full of ice and he was sore all over.
When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD
BEENSTOLEN, and he saw a note pinned to his pillow that said
"Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it
was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his
computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an
e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer
programmer who was working on software to save us from
Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will
prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get
together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe
under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all
last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was
also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if
I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to
report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the
coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle
around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the
world of AIDS." Luckily, he was only a few blocks from the
hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is
dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone
in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer
Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he
receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's
and o's in the he shape of an angel (if you get it and
forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten
people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less
than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the
hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving
along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his
lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang
initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K
problem caused the Dark Ages.
Vacuum Salesman
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning
this
up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned
on yet."
Vincent Van Gogh-The Artist
The Van Gogh Family Tree
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van
Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother.....................................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt............................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes................................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle.....................................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.............Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia...........................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white................Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois..................................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle........................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle.........................................Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin........................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother................Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach........................Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt.................................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco..................................Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle......................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst..................................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin...................................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking......................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew..................................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van............WinnieBay Gogh
A honeymooning couple was passing through Kentucky. When they were
approaching Versailles, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the
town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided
to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please
settle an argument for us? Would you very slowly pronounce where we are?"
The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic.
As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his
stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell?
You haven't done any testing on him or anything.
I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments,
he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to
work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.
After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly
shook its head and barked.
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a
few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table.
As had its predecessors, the cat sadly shook its head and meowed.
It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is
dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained.
"If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but
with the Lab work and the cat scan..."
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
AMERICAN: Bathe, shower
VINCENTIAN: Bade, hole a fresh
AMERICAN: Porch
VINCENTIAN: Varanda
AMERICAN: Collard Greens, Spinach
VINCENTIAN: Callaloo, Dasheen bush
AMERICAN: Standard (car)
VINCENTIAN: Stick shift
AMERICAN: Charge it
VINCENTIAN: Trus' it
AMERICAN: Can you give me a lift to the corner
VINCENTIAN: Gimme a ride go down the road
AMERICAN: Oh my God!
VINCENTIAN Lawd have mercy!
AMERICAN: Excuse me!
VINCENTIAN: Wey e bee yo say!
AMERICAN: Stayfree, Always, Kotex etc.
VINCENTIAN: Just plain "Pad"
AMERICAN: Where are you going
VINCENTIAN: Ah wey yo gine
AMERICAN: Give me that
VINCENTIAN: Gi mi de blasted ting
AMERICAN: Excuse me
VINCENTIAN: Move ley me pass
AMERICAN: Be Quiet
VINCENTIAN: Yo can't shut up!
AMERICAN: The shoes are a little tight
VINCENTIAN: Lawd the shoes dem a bun mi
AMERICAN: Film
VINCENTIAN: Flim
AMERICAN: I do not practice oral sex
VINCENTIAN: Me nah eat no p--sy
AMERICAN: Look there!
VINCENTIAN: Watch deh
AMERICAN: Perm Hair
VINCENTIAN: Straighten Hair
AMERICAN: 10:00, 10;30, 10:45
VINCENTIAN: 10 a'clack, half pass 10, quarta to 10
AMERICAN: Attention Deficit
VINCENTIAN: Yo hard a hearing
AMERICAN: Dyslectic
VINCENTIAN: Dunce bat!
AMERICAN: 4 X 4 Truck
VINCENTIAN: Van
AMERICAN: Open the hood
VINCENTIAN: Open di bonnet
AMERICAN: Can I have a loose paper
VINCENTIAN: Gimme a folder leaf
AMERICAN: Freeze ice
VINCENTIAN: Pallet
AMERICAN: Dimetapp, Thereaflu, Robitussin, Midol, Tyenol
VINCENTIAN: Cold Bush!
AMERICAN: Close the Cupboard
VINCENTIAN: Shut di cabinet
AMERICAN: I am going to the movies
VINCENTIAN: Wey yo gine Russell or Robi!
AMERICAN: You mean that real sexy girl from out of town?
VINCENTIAN: Yuh mean dah strang bady gal deh from country.
AMERICAN: Birth Certificate
VINCENTIAN: Bert Paper
AMERICAN: Nail Polish
VINCENTIAN: All brand ah "Cutex"
AMERICAN: I am going to the city
VINCENTIAN: Me gwine in town.
AMERICAN: She is cheating on him
VINCENTIAN: De gel ah bot him.
AMERICAN: Vagina
VINCENTIAN: Tun Tun
AMERICAN: Viagra
VINCENTIAN: One Guiness, one stick a weed, one bowl a cornmeal parridge, some conch and a good drink a coconut water
AMERICAN: He is impotent
VINCENTIAN: Boy he can't raise up; he nah no use!
AMERICAN: You mother f--ker
VINCENTIAN: Hal yo mother c-nt.
VULGARITY TEST ..!!
HI
here is a test of ur vulgaritiness !!!!!
here it goes.....
All Men Have One...!!
* I have one
* Your husband will have one
* Your mother uses your father's one
* And your auntie uses your uncle's one
* A married lady would acquire one
* But a divorced lady would lose her one
* A Pope doesn't use his one
* Madonna doesn't have one
* The Chinese usually have short ones
* While the Pakistanis usually have long ones
* After your marriage your husband will give you his one.
* Longer or shorter you have to take his one.
* Are you afraid of taking a LONG one.
* Do you want one?
* How long do you want?
* Which one is your preferred one?
* Long one or short one
* (see below for answer)
* what you are thinking of ?
* Are you sure ?
* Its your Surname, what were you thinking of??? You Dirty mind!!!
There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words 'This is too much for me, I'm going out for a soda. This better not be here when I get back.'
Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your trash can.
Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life!
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell
asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more
attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving this letter,
provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must
make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money.
Send copies to people who need to GET LAID within 96 hours.
You have to send this to at least 1 person or U will be hit by your crush!
If U send this to, 2 people nothing will happen
If U send this to, 3 people your crush will start talking to U
If U send this to, 4 people your crush will ask U to dance
If U send this to, 5 people your crush will bring U close when U dance
If U send this to, 10 people your crush will kiss U while UR dancing
If U send this to, 12 people your crush will kiss U
If U send this to, 15 people your crush will french kiss U
If U send this to, 30 people your crush and U will fall in love
Don't be worried if U don't send it to anyone U will just plain die-off,
plain and simple, HAVE A NICE DAY!!!
Wedgewood Shooting!
God works through Wedgewood. This e-mail was sent by
somebody who attends the Wedgwood Baptist Church, in Ft.
Worth TX. By now almost everyone has heard of the tragedy
that took place on Sept. 15, when a gunman entered Wedgwood
Baptist Church and killed 7 people and injured 7 others before
taking his own life. That morning had been the day of "See You
at the Pole," when students gather around their flagpole in the
morning to pray for their school and nation. What the media
hasn't reported however, is how God has been so evident, both
during and after the shooting. He has done amazing works!
Before The Shooting:
***Our pastor, Brother Al, had prayed that God would do
whatever it took to expand the ministry of Wedgwood Baptist
Church. Our church is one that is used as a model of how
NOT to pick a location, because no one in the world can find
it. Now almost everyone in the world knows exactly where it
is.
Evidence of God's Control During The Shooting:
***To enter the church, the gunman walked past our children's
playground, which should have been full of kids, but for some
reason every single children's and preschool class was running
late. No one had made it to the playground yet.
***He fired over 100 bullets into a crowd of over 400, but
only 14 people were hit.
***He did not shoot the over 60 bullets he still had with him.
***The bottom fell off of the pipe bomb he threw, and the
bomb land without ever exploding.
***One of the youth that was wounded (she was shielding a
disabled friend with her body) has scoliosis. The curve in her
spine directed the bullet away from major organs, saving her
from serious injury.
***Because the first 911 call came in on a police radio,
emergency vehicles were dispatched immediately, without
spending precious time to verify that call was real.
***One of the people in the church at the time was a
paramedic, and he was able to stop bleeding and stabilize
injured people before the emergency crews arrived.
***Leaders were able to get the children out of the building
without the kids having to see any victims or any of the mess.
***Each children's worker stayed with his/her class even
though they all had children elsewhere in the building, and
some had teens in the sanctuary. Not one worker left his or her
post.
***None of the adults who died had children.
***All 7 victims were not just Christians, but bold Christians
who were passionate about their faith.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to
accomplish what is not being done, the saving of many lives."
(Genesis 50:20) Or, what God has done since the shooting:
***Many denominations have pulled together to offer help
and support. One example is the United Methodist Church
who sent 15 people the following Sunday to cover our child
care. They didn't want any church members to have to miss
the service because they were taking care of the children.
***A church in Tulsa, Oklahoma drove over 5 hours just so
they could march around our church and pray during our
Sunday morning services.
***The Fort Worth Police Dept. planted flowers in the flower
beds before we reentered the sanctuary to worship.
***We have received over 10,000 emails, 5000 cards, and
$60,000 from all over the world.
***Al Meredith, our pastor has had the microphone in his face
continually and has over and over given an outstanding answer
to the reason for our hope. He presented the gospel beautifully
on Larry King Live when prompted by a question asked by
Vice President Al Gore.
***Because of the live news coverage and interviews, over
200 million people have heard the gospel because of this
tragedy.
***Fifteen thousand turned out for a community wide service
at TCU football stadium. Brother Al gave a very serious
challenging message calling for a day of fasting and heart
searching (Monday the 20th). The service was broadcast live
in its entirety on WBAP 820 which is a news station that
covers most of north Texas. This same news station has
replayed our pastor's first press conference due to people
calling in and requesting to hear his comforting words again.
***CNN also broadcast the memorial service live. Amazingly,
because one of the victim's families lives and works in Saudi
Arabia, that country allowed the service to be broadcast there
as well. In Saudi Arabia it is illegal to say the name of Jesus
on the street.
***Because of that same CNN broadcast, 35 people in Japan
gave their lives to Christ
***When President Clinton finally got through to him,
Brother Al ended their conversation by praying, after gaining
permission, for the Clinton family.
***At several schools, students met around their flagpoles the
next day. At one school 25 students accepted Christ, and 110
at another.
***A teacher led 22 students to Christ in her classroom.
***Christian teachers all over North Texas have been able to
share with their classes because the students are asking
questions about their teachers' faith.
***In Burleson, prayers and Scripture are being said over the
intercom
***On the east coast, where "See You at the Pole" was
delayed because of the hurricane, record numbers of kids
showed up to pray.
***Governor Bush and the Fort Worth mayor quietly came to
our pastor's home while the staff were meeting and praying
and joined in the prayer meeting. This was not political! Only
those who are close to staff members heard about this; the
media never knew.
***Governor Bush has visited with our pastor several times,
and Brother Al has had an impact on him. Just think of the
influence our pastor could have if Governor Bush is the next
president!
***A caller to an area Christian radio station said that he
didn't know what those people had but he wanted it. The DJ
proceeded to lead him to Christ. Many notes left in front of the
church contain the same sentiment. Those who don't know
Jesus want what we have!
***The church has received so many emails asking us how we
are able to have hope and continue on. There are teams of
church member volunteers responding to these emails.
***My friend Jodi has been praying for her husband for years.
She and their 4-yr-old daughter were at the church that night.
3 days ago Scott gave his life to Christ.
***We have had over 70,000 hits on our web page which
displays the plan of salvation in multiple languages.
***Many members at Wedgwood Baptist are healing broken
relationships within the body and experiencing spiritual
renewal.
These are just a few of the miracles that are happening. God's
grace is almost overwhelming. Every time
the gunman fired a bullet, he intended to take a life. Yet God
turned that around and saved several lives for
each bullet fired. The faith of those who died has been
multiplied many times over.
"I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because
your faith is being reported all over the world.." Romans 1:8
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual
experience interviewing prospective employees:
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the
interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the
interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was
kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few
minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice
on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed
standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that
have been asked by job candidates:
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates
during the interview process:
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
Weird Local USA Sex Laws
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).
Where is your birthday, and what is it for?
January 1 is. . . . . .First Foot Day and Z Day
January 2 is . . . . .Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day
January 3 is . . . . .Festival of Sleep Day
January 4 is . . . . .Trivia Day and Humiliation Day
January 5 is . . . . .Bird Day
January 6 is . . . . .Bean Day
January 7 is . . . . .Old Rock Day
January 8 is . . . . . National Joy Germ Day and Man Watcher's Day
January 9 is . . . . . Play God Day
January 10 is . . . . Peculiar People Day
January 11 is . . . . National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day
January 12 is . . . . Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day
January 13 is . . . . Make Your Dream Come True Day and Blame Someone
Else Day
January 14 is . . . . National Dress Up Your Pet Day
January 15 is . . . . Hat Day
January 16 is . . . . Hot and Spicy Food International Day and National
Nothing Day
January 17 is . . . . Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day
January 18 is . . . . Winnie the Pooh Day
January 19 is . . . . National Popcorn Day
January 20 is . . . . National Buttercrunch Day
January 21 is . . . . National Hugging Day
January 22 is . . . . National Answer Your Cat's Question Day, National
Blonde Brownie Day
January 23 is . . . . National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day,
Measure Your Feet Day
January 24 is . . . . Eskimo Pie Patent Day
January 25 is . . . . Opposite Day
January 26 is . . . . Australia Day
January 27 is . . . . Punch the Clock Day and Thomas Crapper Day
January 28 is . . . . National Kazoo Day, Clash Day, Rattle Snake
Roundup Day
January 29 is . . . . National Cornchip Day
January 30 is . . . . Escape Day
January 31 is . . . . National Popcorn Day and Child Labor Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
February 1 is . . . . . Serpent Day
February 2 is . . . . . Purification Day
February 3 is . . . . . Cordova Ice Worm Day
February 4 is . . . . . Create A Vacuum Day
February 5 is . . . . . Disaster Day
February 6 is . . . . . Lame Duck Day
February 7 is . . . . . Charles Dickens Day
February 8 is . . . . . Kite Flying Day
February 9 is . . . . . Toothache Day
February 10 is . . . . Umbrella Day
February 11 is . . . . White Tee-shirt Day and Don't Cry Over Spilled
Milk Day
February 12 is . . . . National Plum Pudding Day
February 13 is . . . . Get A Different Name Day and Dream Your Sweet Day
February 14 is . . . . Ferris Wheel Day and National Heart to Heart Day
February 15 is . . . . National Gum Drop Day
February 16 is . . . . Do A Grouch A Favor Day
February 17 is . . . . Champion Crab Races Day
February 18 is . . . . National Battery Day
February 19 is . . . . National Chocolate Mint Day
February 20 is . . . . Hoodie Hoo Day
February 21 is . . . . Card Reading Day
February 22 is . . . . Be Humble Day
February 23 is . . . . International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
February 24 is . . . . National Tortilla Chip Day
February 25 is . . . . Pistol Patent Day (Samuel Colt)
February 26 is . . . . National Pistachio Day
February 27 is . . . . International Polar Bear Day
February 28 is . . . . Public Sleeping Day
February 29 is . . . . National Surf and Turf Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
March 1 is . . . . . National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day
March 2 is . . . . . Old Stuff Day
March 3 is . . . . . I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day,
National Anthem Day
March 4 is . . . . . Holy Experiment Day
March 5 is . . . . . Personality Day
March 6 is . . . . . National Frozen Food Day
March 7 is . . . . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day
March 8 is . . . . . Be Nasty Day
March 9 is . . . . . Panic Day
March 10 is . . . . Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day
March 11 is . . . . Johnny Appleseed Day and Worship of Tools Day
March 12 is . . . . Alfred Hitchcock Day
March 13 is . . . . Jewel Day
March 14 is . . . . National Potato Chip Day
March 15 is . . . . Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day
March 16 is . . . . Everything You Do Is Right Day
March 17 is . . . . Submarine Day
March 18 is . . . . Supreme Sacrifice Day
March 19 is . . . . Poultry Day
March 20 is . . . . Proposal Day and Festival Of Extraterrestrial
Abductions Day
March 21 is . . . . Fragrance Day
March 22 is . . . . National Goof-off Day
March 23 is . . ....National Organize Your Home Office Day and National
Chip and Dip Day
March 24 is . . . . National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
March 25 is . . . . Pecan Day and Waffle Day
March 26 is . . . . Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach Festival
Day
March 27 is . . . . National "Joe" Day More Info on National "Joe" Day
March 28 is . . . . Something On A Stick Day
March 29 is . . . . Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day
March 30 is . . . . I Am In Control Day
March 31 is . . . . Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The Half
Shell Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
April 1 is . . . . . One Cent Day
April 2 is . . . . . National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
April 3 is . . . . . Tweed Day and Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day
April 4 is . . . . . Tell-A-Lie Day
April 5 is . . . . . Go For Broke Day
April 6 is . . . . . Sorry Charlie Day More Info on Sorry Charlie Day
April 7 is . . . . . No Housework Day
April 8 is . . . . . All Is Ours Day
April 9 is . . . . . Winston Churchill Day and Name Yourself Day
April 10 is . . . . Golfers Day
April 11 is . . . . Eight-Track Tape Day
April 12 is . . . . Look Up At The Sky Day
April 13 is . . . . Blame Somebody Else Day
April 14 is . . . . National Pecan Day
April 15 is . . . . Rubber Eraser Day
April 16 is . . . . National Stress Awareness Day and National Eggs
Benedict Day
April 17 is . . . . National Cheeseball Day
April 18 is . . . . International Jugglers Day
April 19 is . . . . National Garlic Day
April 20 is . . . . Look Alike Day
April 21 is . . . . Kindergarten Day
April 22 is . . . . National Jelly Bean Day
April 23 is . . . . Read Me Day and World Laboratory Animal Day
April 24 is . . . . National Pigs In A Blanket Day
April 25 is . . . . National Zucchini Bread Day
April 26 is . . . . Richter Scale Day and National Pretzel Day
April 27 is . . . . Tell A Story Day
April 28 is . . . . Great Poetry Reading Day and Kiss-Your-Mate Day
April 29 is . . . . National Shrimp Scampi Day
April 30 is . . . . National Honesty Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 1 is . . . . . Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day
May 2 is . . . . . Fire Day
May 3 is . . . . . Lumpy Rug Day
May 4 is . . . . . National Candied Orange Peel Day
May 5 is . . . . . National Hoagie Day
May 6 is . . . . . Beverage Day
May 7 is . . . . . International Tuba Day, Paste Up Day, National
Roast Leg of Lamb Day
May 8 is . . . . . No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day
May 9 is . . . . . Lost Sock Memorial Day
May 10 is . . . . Clean Up Your Room Day
May 11 is . . . . Eat What You Want Day and Twilight Zone Day
May 12 is . . . . Limerick Day
May 13 is . . . . Leprechaun Day
May 14 is . . . . National Dance Like A Chicken Day
May 15 is . . . . National Chocolate Chip Day
May 16 is . . . . Wear Purple For Peace Day
May 17 is . . . . Pack Rat Day
May 18 is . . . . International Museum Day and Visit Your Relatives Day
May 19 is . . . . Frog Jumping Jubilee Day
May 20 is . . . . Eliza Doolittle Day
May 21 is . . . . National Memo Day and National Waitresses/Waiters Day
May 22 is . . . . Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
May 23 is . . . . Penny Day
May 24 is . . . . National Escargot Day
May 25 is . . . . National Tap Dance Day
May 26 is . . . . Grey Day
May 27 is . . . . Body Painting Arts Festival
May 28 is . . . . National Hamburger Day
May 29 is . . . . End Of The Middle Ages Day
May 30 is . . . . My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day
May 31 is . . . . National Macaroon Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
June 5 is . . . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day
June 6 is . . . . . Teacher's Day and National Applesauce Cake Day
JunJune 1 is . . . . . Dare Day
June 2 is . . . . . National Rocky Road Day
June 3 is . . . . . Repeat Day
June 4 is . . . . . Old Maid's Daye 7 is . . . . . National Chocolate
Ice Cream Day
June 8 is . . . . . Name Your Poison Day
June 9 is . . . . . Donald Duck Day
June 10 is . . . . National Yo-yo Day
June 11 is . . . . National Hug Holiday and King Kamehameha Day
June 12 is . . . . Machine Day
June 13 is . . . . National Juggling Day and Kitchen Klutzes Of America
Day
June 14 is . . . . Pop Goes The Weasel Day
June 15 is . . . . Smile Power Day
June 16 is . . . . National Hollerin' Contest Day
June 17 is . . . . Watergate Day and Eat Your Vegetables Day
June 18 is . . . . International Panic Day
June 19 is . . . . World Sauntering Day
June 20 is . . . . Ice Cream Soda Day
June 21 is . . . .Cuckoo Warning Day More Info on Cuckoo Warning Day
June 22 is . . . . National Chocolate Eclair Day
June 23 is . . . . National Pink Day
June 24 is . . . . Museum Comes To Life Day
June 25 is . . . . Log Cabin Day
June 26 is . . . . National Chocolate Pudding Day
June 27 is . . . . National Columnists Day
June 28 is . . . . Paul Bunyan Day
June 29 is . . . . Camera Day
June 30 is . . . . Meteor Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
July 1 is . . . . . Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow
Day
July 2 is . . . . . Visitation Of The Virgin Mary Day
July 3 is . . . . . Stay Out Of The Sun Day and Compliment Your Mirror
Day
July 4 is . . . . . National Country Music Day and Tom Sawyer
Fence-Painting Day
July 5 is . . . . . Workaholics Day
July 6 is . . . . . National Fried Chicken Day
July 7 is . . . . . National Strawberry Sundae Day
July 8 is . . . . . Video Games Day
July 9 is . . . . . National Sugar Cookie Day
July 10 is . . . . Clerihew Day
July 11 is . . . . National Cheer Up The Lonely Day
July 12 is . . . . National Pecan Pie Day
July 13 is . . . . Fool's Paradise Day
July 14 is . . . . National Nude Day
July 15 is . . . . National Tapioca Pudding Day and Respect Canada Day
July 16 is . . . . International Juggling Day
July 17 is . . . . National Peach Ice Cream Day
July 18 is . . . . National Ice Cream Day and National Caviar Day
July 19 is . . . . Flitch Day
July 20 is . . . . Ugly Truck Contest Day
July 21 is . . . . National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day
July 22 is . . . . Ratcatcher's Day
July 23 is . . . . National Vanilla Ice Cream Day
July 24 is . . . . Amelia Earhart Day
July 25 is . . . . Threading The Needle Day
July 26 is . . . . All Or Nothing Day
July 27 is . . . . Take Your Pants For A Walk Day
July 28 is . . . . National Milk Chocolate Day
July 29 is . . . . Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day
July 30 is . . . . National Cheesecake Day
July 31 is . . . . Parent's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
August 1 is . . . . . Friendship Day and National Raspberry Cream Pie
Day
August 2 is . . . . . National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
August 3 is . . . . . National Watermelon Day
August 4 is . . . . . Twins Day Festival
August 5 is . . . . . National Mustard Day
August 6 is . . . . . Wiggle Your Toes Day
August 7 is . . . . . Sea Serpent Day
August 8 is . . . . . National Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's
Porch Night
August 9 is . . . . . National Polka Festival
August 10 is . . . . Lazy Day
August 11 is . . . . Presidential Joke Day
August 12 is . . . . Middle Child's Day
August 13 is . . . . Blame Someone Else Day
August 14 is . . . . National Creamsicle Day
August 15 is . . . . National Relaxation Day and National Failures Day
August 16 is . . . . Bratwurst Festival
August 17 is . . . . National Thriftshop Day
August 18 is . . . . Bad Poetry Day
August 19 is . . . . Potato Day
August 20 is . . . . National Radio Day
August 21 is . . . . National Spumoni Day
August 22 is . . . . Be An Angel Day
August 23 is . . . . National Spongecake Day
August 24 is . . . . Knife Day
August 25 is . . . . Kiss-And-Make-Up Day
August 26 is . . . . National Cherry Popsicle Day
August 27 is . . . . Petroleum Day
August 28 is . . . . World Sauntering Day
August 29 is . . . . More Herbs, Less Salt Day
August 30 is . . . . National Toasted Marshmallow Day
August 31 is . . . . National Trail Mix Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
September 1 is . . . . . Emma M. Nutt Day
September 2 is . . . . . National Beheading Day
September 3 is . . . . . Skyscraper Day
September 4 is . . . . . Newspaper Carrier Day
September 5 is . . . . . Be Late For Something Day
September 6 is . . . . . Fight Procrastination Day
September 7 is . . . . . Neither Rain Nor Snow Day
September 8 is . . . . . National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day
September 9 is . . . . . Teddy Bear Day
September 10 is . . . . Swap Ideas Day
September 11 is . . . . No News Is Good News Day
September 12 is . . . . National Pet Memorial Day and National
Chocolate Milkshake Day
September 13 is . . . . Defy Superstition Day
September 14 is . . . . National Cream-filled Donut Day
September 15 is . . . . Felt Hat Day
September 16 is . . . . Stay Away From Seattle Day and Collect Rocks
Day
September 17 is . . . . National Apple Dumpling Day
September 18 is . . . . National Play-doh Day
September 19 is . . . . National Butterscotch Pudding Day
September 20 is . . . . National Punch Day
September 21 is . . . . World Gratitude Day and International Banana
Festival
September 22 is . . . . Hobbit Day and Dear Diary Day
September 23 is . . . . Checkers Day and Dogs In Politics Day
September 24 is . . . . Festival Of Latest Novelties
September 25 is . . . . National Comic Book Day
September 26 is . . . . National Good Neighbor Day and National Pancake
Day
September 27 is . . . . Crush A Can Day
September 28 is . . . . Ask A Stupid Question Day More Info on Stupid
Questions
September 29 is . . . . Poisoned Blackberries Day
September 30 is . . . . National Mud Pack Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
October 1 is . . . . . World Vegetarian Day and Magic Circles Day
October 2 is . . . . . Name Your Car Day
October 3 is . . . . . Virus Appreciation Day
October 4 is . . . . . National Golf Day
October 5 is . . . . . National Storytelling Festival
October 6 is . . . . . German-American Day and Come and Take It Day
October 7 is . . . . . National Frappe Day
October 8 is . . . . . American Tag Day
October 9 is . . . . . Moldy Cheese Day
October 10 is . . . . National Angel Food Cake Day
October 11 is . . . . It's My Party Day
October 12 is . . . . International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
October 13 is . . . . National Peanut Festival
October 14 is . . . . Be Bald and Free Day and National Dessert Day
October 15 is . . . . White Cane Safety Day
October 16 is . . . . Dictionary Day
October 17 is . . . . Gaudy Day
October 18 is . . . . No Beard Day
October 19 is . . . . Evaluate Your Life Day
October 20 is . . . . National Brandied Fruit Day
October 21 is . . . . Babbling Day
October 22 is . . . . National Nut Day
October 23 is . . . . National Mole Day
October 24 is . . . . National Bologna Day
October 25 is . . . . Punk For A Day Day
October 26 is . . . . Mule Day
October 27 is . . . . Sylvia Plath Day
October 28 is . . . . Plush Animal Lover's Day and National Chocolate Day
October 29 is . . . . Hermit Day
October 30 is . . . . National Candy Corn Day
October 31 is . . . . National Magic Day and Increase Your Psychic
Powers Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
November 1 is . . . . . Plan Your Epitaph Day
November 2 is . . . . . National Deviled Egg Day
November 3 is . . . . . Sandwich Day and Housewife's Day
November 4 is . . . . . Waiting For The Barbarians Day
November 5 is . . . . . Gunpowder Day
November 6 is . . . . . Saxophone Day and Marooned Without A Compass
Day
November 7 is . . . . . National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day
November 8 is . . . . . Dunce Day
November 9 is . . . . . Chaos Never Dies Day
November 10 is . . . . Forget-Me-Not Day
November 11 is . . . . Air Day
November 12 is . . . . National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies
Day
November 13 is . . . . National Indian Pudding Day
November 14 is . . . . Operation Room Nurse Day
November 15 is . . . . National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
November 16 is . . . . Button Day
November 17 is . . . . Take A Hike Day
November 18 is . . . . Occult Day
November 19 is . . . . Have A Bad Day Day
November 20 is . . . . Absurdity Day
November 21 is . . . . World Hello Day and False Confessions Day
November 22 is . . . . Start Your Own Country Day
November 23 is . . . . National Cashew Day
November 24 is . . . . Use Even If Seal Is Broken Day
November 25 is . . . . National Parfait Day
November 26 is . . . . Shopping Reminder Day
November 27 is . . . . Pins And Needles Day
November 28 is . . . . Make Your Own Head Day
November 29 is . . . . Square Dance Day
November 30 is . . . . Stay At Home Because You're Well Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December 1 is . . . . . National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day
December 2 is . . . . . National Fritters Day
December 3 is . . . . . National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day
December 4 is . . . . . Wear Brown Shoes Day
December 5 is . . . . . National Sacher Torte Day
December 6 is . . . . . National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day
December 7 is . . . . . National Cotton Candy Day
December 8 is . . . . . Take It In The Ear Day
December 9 is . . . . . National Pastry Day
December 10 is . . . . Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales
December 11 is . . . . National Noodle Ring Day
December 12 is . . . . National Ding-A-Ling Day
December 13 is . . . . Ice Cream and Violins Day
December 14 is . . . . National Bouillabaisse Day
December 15 is . . . . National Lemon Cupcake Day
December 16 is . . . . National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
December 17 is . . . . Underdog Day and National Maple Syrup Day
December 18 is . . . . National Roast Suckling Pig Day
December 19 is . . . . Oatmeal Muffin Day
December 20 is . . . . Games Day
December 21 is . . . . Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight
Day, National French Fried Shrimp Day, and Hamburger Day
December 22 is . . . . National Date-Nut Bread Day
December 23 is . . . . Roots Day
December 24 is . . . . National Eggnog Day
December 25 is . . . . National Pumpkin Pie Day
December 26 is . . . . National Whiners Day
December 27 is . . . . National Fruitcake Day
December 28 is . . . . Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day
December 29 is . . . . Pepper Pot Day
December 30 is . . . . Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute
And National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day
December 31 is . . . . Unlucky Day
A tall, dark, handsome straight man was walking down the boulevard one
July afternoon. It was hot - 103 - and he became so hot he took off his
shirt. He had a craving for an ice cold beer.
He came upon a bar and walked right in, relishing the refuge of the AC.
He looked around and sighed. Two men were kissing in the corner -it
was a gay bar. "No big deal", he thought, "I'm just here for a beer."
He went up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer. "Sure thing," the
bartender replied, "But first, you have to tell us what you call your penis."
(Exasperated look) The man was like, "I don't know...."
The man on his left said "I call mine Chevy - like a rock."
The man on his right said, "Yeah, I call mine Ford - you know - built to
last."
The man behind him said, "I call mine Energizer - keeps on going and
going."
The man in the corner said, "I call mine Mentos - all day strong, all day
long."
The bartender said "I call mine Extra - lasts an extra, extra, extra long
time."
The straight man began to be weary of the gay audience gathered around
him, waiting for his response. Finally, in a cautious tone, he replied,
"Uhmmm (sigh) Uhmm.... I call mine Secret - you know - strong enough
for a man, but made for a woman."
DOES YOUR NAME MEAN?**
(IF YOUR NAME AIN'T ON HERE, YOU'RE BEAT)
AARON'S are good looking asswipes
ABBY'S are stupid bitches
ABRAHAM'S (AB'S) are pimps
ADAM'S are stupid wannabes
ALAN'S are jerks
ALEX'S masculine but lazy
ALEXANDRIA'S are smart
ALEXIS'S are mean and too smart
ALFRED'S are dorks
ALLISON'S are bitches
ALICE'S are sweet
ALICIA'S say they've had sex but they sure
haven't
ALYSSA'S are quite and smart
AMORY'S are madd cool and funny
AMY'S dump their old friends when someone new comes along
AMANDA'S are geeks
ANDRE(A)'S are stupid whores
ANDREW'S are medium height and try to be
players but end up playin themselves
ANGEL'S can't take a joke
ANGELA'S are quiet and seem a little dorky
ANNA'S are cute
ANDY'S are very obnoctious
ANNIE'S are nice and cute
ANTHONY'S are really good looking
APRIL'S are fat and dorks
ASHLEY'S are alright
AUSTIN'S are stupid
BARBARA'S have big boobs and flaunt them
BEAU'S are ugly
BECKY'S are small
BEN(JAMIN)'S are fat and sporty
BETH'S are skinny and small but nice
BETTY'S are rip off's
BLAKE'S are loud and mean
BLAIR'S are flirts but funny
BILLY'S are big-boned and nerds
BOBBY'S are fat asses
BRAD'S are very egotistical
BRANDON'S have big heads
BRETT'S are tall and nice
BRENT'S are short and popular
BRYAN'S- hotties
BRIAN'S- annoying , but nice and cute
BRIANNE'S are good 3 point shooters
BRITTINAY'S - are weirdos
BRITTANY'S - are sensititve and awesome
BROOK(E)'S are athletic
CALVIN'S are funny
CARL'S are short and chunky
CAROLINE'S are good friends
CASEY'S are stupid show offs
CATHY'S are loud
CHARLES' are always broke
CHERI'S are bitches
CHRIS' are true actors
CHRISTIAN'S need to loosen up
CHRISTINA'S are sweet, funny, hottt and
caring
CHRISTINE'S are way possesive but cool to their friends
COLLEEN'S are cool
COURTNEY'S are funny but serious
CRAIG'S are sweet, hott and popular
CRYSTAL'S are beautiful but too picky
DANA'S are not shy at all
DAN'S are preppy assholes
DANICA'S are unusual there are not that
many of them
DANIEL'S are addicted to weed
DANIELLE'S are stupid crackhead sluts
DANNY'S are quiet and playas
DAVID'S, DAVE'S are NOT short and cute
*HOWEVER, THEY ARE TALL, SMART AND
FUNNY EX. ME, DAVE ROSS, DAVE BERGER...
END OF STORY
DEAN'S are dorks
DEBBIE'S are cool but are hard to believe sometimes
DIANNE'S are cheap
DONNA'S are short and fat
DUSTIN'S are quiet and weird
DUSTYN'S are cool and artistic
EDWARD'S are weak
EILEEN'S are ugly and stuck up
ELLIOT'S are calm, cool, and collective
ELIZABETH'S have the coolest numbers and
can do what they pleeze (have phatt parties
too)..not really
ELYSSA'S are popular, hot, dance good and
everything else!
EMILY'S are probably nice but to me shes a bitch
ERIC'S are devoted to the one they love
ERIK'S are pretty cool
ETHAN'S are funny
EURIPEDE'S love to rip off their clothes
FRANK'S try to steal your WOMAN
GARY'S are so sweet and shy
GINA'S ain't playa's, they just fuck a lot
GREG'S like to crawl
HANNA(H)'S are ANOREXIC
HEATHER'S are unappealling
HEIDI'S are dumb cheerleaders (or will be)
HELEN'S are sluts who steals boyfriends
HOLLY'S are whores w/ no lives
IAN'S are crazy
IRENE'S like to fight
JACKIE'S are all out stuck up bitches
JACOB'S has alot of friends
JAMES are freaky
JAMIE'S like long relationships
JANET'S are crack heads
JASON'S need to get a life of their own
JESSICA'S get into to much trouble but are
smart and pretty
JENNIFER'S are wicked smart and cool and hella nice and
sexy......right on...!!!
JERRY'S are wannabe jnco wearers
JILL'S are usually hot and have the best
personality's!
JOE'S are funny as sh*t
JOEY'S are hotties and are the sweetest
JONATHAN'S are funny and semi cute
JOSEPH'S like to have a good time
JOSE'S are mad phat and ill, they should be
loved a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
JOSH(UA)'S are fun to be with
JULIA'S are phly
JULIE'S are stubborn brats
JUSTIN'S are hot and get what ever they
want...HELL NO
KAREN'S have big noses
KARLIE'S are bitches
KATELYN'S are pretty smart and talented
KATE'S are weird and are sh*ts
KATHLEEN'S, are fun and pretty
KATHY'S are friendly but tomboyz
KATIE'S are wacked out
KAITLIN'S, are just awesome
KEITH'S are nice, funny, and good natured
KERRI'S are back stabbing biatches..like Campbell
KELLY'S are Beautiful, funny, smart, and
THAT'S IT
KENT'S are quiet and dorks
KEVIN'S are loaded with cash, and hot as
hell
KIM'S are too smart for their own good
KRISTY'S are little bitches
KRISTEN'S are beautiful, sexy and smart
KYLE'S are freaks
LAUREN'S are skinny and try to get around
LAURA'S they are awsome and get w/ the
cutest guys
LEAH'S are nice
LESLIE'S are lil hoochies
LINDA'S are dirty sluts
LINDSAY's are HOT! AND ARE GREAT they
are also smart and funny but get into trouble
LYNZEE'S are weird
LISA'S worry way too much
MARCUS' are funny
MARIA'S are daring know how to have fun
MARGERET'S are worry freaks but are way cool
MARINA'S are good basketball players
MARK'S only wants sex 24/7
MARTIN'S are very athletic
MARY'S are sweet and everyones friend
MARYBETH'S are nice and have big hearts
MATT'S are sweet guys
MELANIE'S are cute and sweet
MELISSA'S are bitches and everyone knows it
MEGAN'S are the coolest gals and they
always make u smile
MIA'S are sweet and funny
MICHAEL'S are mischievous but hella cool to chill with
MICHELLE'S are liked but don't know how to
walk out her front door
MIKE'S are cuties and really good friends
MINDY'S are sluts who has no friends
MOLLIE'S are Stalkers
MONICA'S have alot of boyfriends and do presidents
MORGAN'S never shut up
NANCY'S jock ANTHONY'S
NATALIE'S cry about everything
NICK'S are cute but egotisical
NICOLE'S are way too nice and sweet and
get what ever guy she wants
NIKKI'S are cool but have attitudes
PATRICK'S are hella buff
PATTY'S are cuties
PAUL'S are butterballs....in a good way!
PETER'S are cute, but too old
RACHAEL'S are pretty and popular but full of it
RHIANNON'S are bitch goddesses
RICARDO'S are players never trust them
RICHARD'S are funny but sometimes mean
RICHIE'S are gorgeous and rich
RICK'S have big noses
RICKY'S are antisocial
ROBERT'S have huge shoes
RON'S are hotties
ROSEMARY'S like to drink
RYAN'S are Hot, Funny, Smart, Nice, & sweet (just
perfect lol)
SAMANTHA'S are sluts, but they know how
to have a good time
SARAH'S are Good friends
SHANNON'S are unique
SHAWN'S are weird and wear eye liner
STACEY'S jocks everyone
STEPHANIE'S are mad kool, not uptight, popular
STEVEN'S (STEVE'S) are lil rich boys
STEWART'S are ugly
SUMMER'S are assholes
SUSAN'S are ugly
SUZANNE'S are pretty and funny
TAMMY'S are wicked nice
TARA'S are pretty and nice
TERRY'S are smart asses
THEA'S are outgoing and friendly
THEO'S are indepth
TIM'S are drug addicts
TOMMY'S are nice but conceited
TONY'S are sexy Italion Stallions
TROY'S are nice but conceited
TRACI'S love to laugh
TYLER'S cool and funny and can be perverts
VICTORIA'S are sluts
VANESSA'S are shy and are bitches
VINCENT'S are dorks
WENDY'S are psycho and are fat
WHITNEY'S are shady but pretty
WILLIAM'S has alot of friends
ZACK'S are talkative and athletic
NOW...SEND THIS TO 10 PEOPLE IN 10 MINUTES AND YOU WILL BE LOVED!!!
(SEND IT TO MORE THAN 10 AND YOU WILL BE BLESSED FOREVER!!!)
BUT...IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL BE SORRY!!!
What Guys Names Mean
Aaron's- are sexy and have the best name
Adam's- are full of themselves
Alex's- are cute and short but very open
Alan's- are cute but kinda mean; flirtatious
Andy's- are nice and sweet
Andrew's- two faced and conseded
Anthony's - are freaks in control
Ben's- are funny and smart
Bob's- are quiet and unpopular
Brad's- think everyone likes them... but they don't; cute and adorable
Brandon's- are good looking but use girls
Brendan's- are quiet and sweet
Brett's- world wide hotties and really sensative
Brian's- are sweet and perfect
Bryan's- are sexy, but stupid
Bryce's- are sweet hearts even though they're annoying at times
Cameron's- think they're funny...they're not
Carlos's- are cute and funny, but a little perverted
Chad's- are cute and studly but too full of themselves
Chris's- have great bodies and have lots of different friends
Clark's- are hilarious and always in trouble
Cory's- are funny but ugly
Craig's- try to fit in
Dan's- are quiet but funny
Danny's- are loud and funny
David's- hotties and work out alot
Dennis- sneeky scum who think they themselves LIVE the "Thug
Life"!
Derek's- have great mommies
Devon's- appear to have emotional problems, but are sweet once you
get to know them.
Dillian's- are cute funny smart and "rambunctious"
Dominic's- are hilarious and will do anything
Don's- dickheads
Dougs- have greasy faces; and they nag you like your bitchy
grandmother!
Drew's- are bad ass losers
Eddie's- want too many chicks they'll never get cuz they're
assholes...(LOL RIGHT ON!)
Eric's-shy and backward
Erik's-are funny and treat girls how they want to be treated
Evan's- are a little slow but sweet, sexy, and every other good thing in
this forward
Frank's- are "different"; and "piss yourself" funny.
Gary's- are ugly drug addicts
Greg's- are really sweet and feel sorry for themselves but they
shouldnt....short and anal.
Ilan's- really popular but think all the girls want him
Jakes- are whiteboys that need a race check
Jason's- some are obnoctious and others are extremly sweet...assholes
Jeff's- are really cute, but know it! we all know how they act when they
know it!
Jerehme's- are annoying, stupid, mice
Jeremy's- are loud and think they're all that
Jermaine's- are ugly and make girls puke
Jesse's- are popular and need to move on
James- are sweet kind and always laughing
Jack's- stupid but hot
Jimmy's- are sweet but users
Joe's- are kind of hot but very sweet
Jon's- kinda quiet at first but addictive, and sexy in that appealing kinda
way!
John's- are built and sexy
Jordan's- are jerks and dump people for no reason
Jose's- are hot chulos
Josh's-OH MY GOD THEY ARE SOO HOT AND ARE GOOD AT
ALL SPORTS!
Junior's- arr hotties and are totally good at football
Justin- annoying but lovable
Kevin's- can never get a girlfriend
Keith's- are good people to talk to when you have a problem
Kurt's- can kick anyone's ass
Kurk's- make great dads
Kyle's- are hornballs
Larry's-cute but are wannabe players with big asses; sweet hunky
gentlemen that will do anything to help the least of their fellow
humanswith a smile, asking nothing in return.
Lorenzo's- are fine and dress good
Luke's- seem to be sweet
Mark's- wished girls liked them
Matt's- the perfect guy, sweet and goodlooking, BUT MATT
KOERNER is an ass!!
Mike's- are very good looking and they'll do anything for a girl which
is totally sweet
Nathan's- are stupid, but cute as hell
Nick's- are funny and good listeners
Norman's- are utterly and completely geeks
Pat's- r cute funny and really nice; hornbags
Pete's- are cuties but very shy
Phil's- r really cute,funny,nice,and caring.
Quints- are little sweethearts that will love u to death
Rob's- tall and hot; manipulative at times.
Rodney's- sexy, sweet, and tall
Ross's- total losers and computer geniouses; artistic and sexy in their
own ways.
Ryan's- sexy but short bodies and get teased alot for something or
another
Sam's- are wannabe sex machines; ugly tight-floodpant-jeans wearin
pricks
Scott's- have serious disabilities
Sean's- are sweet hearts that make great first crushes
Seth's- are so sweet to other people but traiters
Shane's- are cute, but foolish
Steve's- are popular and funny; assholes that use girls, guys and
anything else they can get their sticky fingers on!
Tim's- are hot but a bit weird
Travis's- are fat and horny
Trevor's- are sweet and funny but are only sometimes untrustworthy
Taylor's- are a little "weird"
Tyler's- cute and sexy, but fight-picking goofs that don't know when to
stop.
Tommy's- tend to think they're big shots even though they have hearts
of gold.
Vincents- are geeks, but work out to protect themselves
Visar's- are mysterious, and hard to understand
Will's- wish they were popular
Zach's-sweet and polite and adorable and corny
SEND THIS TO 10 GIRLS IN 10 MINUTES AND YOU'LL HAVE GOOD LUCK IN
LOVE .SO COME ON JUST DO IT. IF YOU DON'T YOU'LL NEVER GET A
BOYFRIEND!!!
ADD SOMEONE IF YOU WANT BUT U HAVE TO KNOW THEIR
DEFINITION!!!! BUT DONT CHANGE ANY DEFINITIONS!!
What girls say ...what they mean
----------------------------------------------------------
Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going
to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.
I just need some space ...without you in it
Can you help me with my If I keep whining, the fool
homework? will do it for me.
Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while
No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard
I just do not want a boyfriend I just do not want (you as) a
now boyfriend
I don't know; what do you want I can't believe that you have
to do? nothing planned
Come here My puppy does this too
I like you but... I don't like you
You never listen You never listen
We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you
until I find out if this guy in Bio
has a girlfriend
I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make
you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no
way I am going dutch
Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get
this over with
I'm just going out with the We are gonna get sloppy and make
girls. fun of you and your friends
There's no one else I am doing your brother
Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm
____________________________________________________________________
What guys say... ...What they mean...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
It is just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have
her legs around my head.
She's kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her She won't blow me
I need you My hand is tired
I had her all week I had (wet dreams about) her all week.
I really want to get to know you ...so I can tell my friends about
better it
How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small?
other boyfriends?
You're the only girl I've ever You are the only girl who has not
cared about rejected me
I want you back ...for tonight anyway
We've been through so much If it was not for you, I never
together would have lost my virginity
I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is
starting to look good
No, I do not want to dance Shoot! She'll know that I have a
right now hard-on
The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times
for another 24 hours
I am different from all the I am not circumcised
other guys
****THIS LETTER HAS BEEN POSITIVELY CHARGED WITH GOOD LUCK****
I don't know one superstisious person who likes chain letters!!! Do you???
Well, then you'll like what this one is about! This isn't my idea, but I
think there should be more of them circulating! So here goes it!........
THE DEAL IS: THIS LETTER GIVES YOU THE POWER TO NEVER HAVE TO SEND ANOTHER CHAIN
LETTER EVER AGAIN. YOU SEND THIS TO 10 PEOPLE WITHIN 7 DAYS OF THE TIME THAT YOU
READ IT, AND FROM THAT POINT ON YOU CAN IGNORE, OR READ AND DELETE, ANY CHAIN
LETTER SENT TO YOU. THE BEST PART OF THISEAL IS, YOU WILL STILL GET ALL OF THE LUCK,
LOVE, OR GOOD SEX GUARANTEED TO YOU BY ANY CHAIN LETTER YOU READ! EVENTUALLY
THIS WILL STOP THE CIRCULATION OF ALL CHAIN LETTERS. SO, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT
YOU SEND THIS OUT ON TIME!!! AND THE CATCH IS, THAT IF YOU END UP NOT SENDING THIS ON
TIME, OR NEVER SENDING IT AT ALL, YOU WILL GET ALL OF THE BAD LUCK, NONE OF THE LOVE,
AND NONE OF THE GOOD SEX FROM ANY CHAIN LETTER YOU GET. THIS IS FOR ALL OF THE
SUPERSTISIOUS PEOPLE THAT HATE CHAIN LETTERS, AND ALL OF THE EVIL PEOPLE THAT WRITE
THEM. GOOD LUCK, LOVE AND SEX TO ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!
And if you want. . . .
you send this to, your life will change dramatically! If you send this to:
0-people: Something terrible will happen such as losing a best friend.
1-5 people: You will have 1 good day.
6-10 people: You will have a good week, and the person you like will ask you out.
11-15 people: You will have a good month, and a great surprise every day.
16 & up: You will have a successful life and all of your dreams will come true!
SEND THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN - A CONTINUING SERIES
I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and
has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
no
chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing.It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog
drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work.And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you.It's just that I have things on my
mind." Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and here is
no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl
I
ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss.I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your
purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with y chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
toilet paper."
"I'm not lost.I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new
one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
****************************************
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
***Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
***Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."
What does your Screen Name mean?"
Have you ever wondered how people determine their Screen Names? I know
I have. So here is a way to learn a little more about the people you
send E-mail to.
Here's what you do:
Copy and paste this into a new email and send it to
those on your mail list making sure to also send it back to the person
who E-mailed it to you. Then add your Screen Name at the bottom and a
brief description of why you chose it and what it means to you.
(Note AOL 4.0 users - if you have spell check activated, you may want
to turn it off before sending this.)
Rachelle_16_1999@Yahoo.com
Well, My name is Rachel and I love France. The French spelling of
my name is Rachelle so I used that. I'm going to be turning 16, so I
put that on there as well. ~Rachel Pate~
Smile4daQT@hotmail.com
mmm... i guess it does say somthing about me... I'm always willing to
listen, and smile = ) at whatever comes at me... i don't know.. don't you
think i'm a QT? = ) Much loving always!!!!!! ~Katherine B.~ Kitty Kat!
JonBoyL@aol.com
well, my name is Jon, im a boy (at least last time i checked), and my
last initial is L, pretty creative, huh??
smokey05@hotmail.com
In "Damn Yankee's" my character's name was smokey and his number was
05. And as for my screen name, Chunk4Ever, it has to do with a character from
"Goonies".
twinx@cheerful.com
long story, but my nickname was twinkie from a long time ago when i
was in elementary school (really stupid). it kinda stuck but it evolved into
twinx (shortened from twinks)...i am not a candy bar!
Brenkeke@aol.com
Well, I have a bunch of screen names so I'll do this one
first. My name is Brennan, hence the "Bren" and my baby cousin's name is
Keanu, nickname "Keke." I helped to take care of him for a long time, so I
really adore him, so I added him to it.
Brennyboy78@yahoo.com
With this one, I was kinda a biter. One of my friends,
Brett, has his screen name "brettyboy" so I copied him.
tha_143_bomb78@hotmail.com
I just wanted something with "tha bomb" in it, but there was
already "tha_bomb" so I added all the other junk,
hotcoolstud@cyberdude.com
Weird stupid, nonsense ego thing.
me_llamo_raul@excite.com
The name I cose for myself in Spanish class was "Raul" and
"me llamo" means "My name is" ("I call myself"), hence "My name is Raul".
WHEN SANTA RUNS OUT OF PROZAC
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Kenny
Dear Kenny,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
**********
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Lego's instead.
Santa
**********
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and a nice Cubancigar.
Santa
**********
Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please please please. PLEASE,
Jimmy
Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting another sweater.
Santa
**********
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
**********
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
Norm
Dear Norm,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career Lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger; at least HE can spell!
Santa
**********
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
**********
Dear Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky" ...that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew
that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably
involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The
clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent
her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the
clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down
and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". The boy's mouth dropped open, but
he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is
God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in
the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted
from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the
door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he
asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't
get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked
what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on
the map."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which
he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these darn planes have numbers on them."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't,
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Plato:
For the greater good.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual
chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it
necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and
"road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of
this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends
upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:
For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving
very fast.
David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
Sappho:
Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of
Hellas' fine armies.
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Stephen Jay Gould:
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we
have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact
that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do
not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most
prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omelette.
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the
daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue?
In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.
Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant
market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create
and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the
chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation
processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the
chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to
align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened
a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with
Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to
engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize
with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and
successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework
across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held
in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and
unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core
values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Johnny Cochran:
The chicken didn't cross the road. It was planted there by the police as part
of a conspiracy to frame the species!
Rodney King:
Why can't the chicken just cross the road?
Bill Clinton:
Did some one say Chicken McNuggets?
Moses:
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt
cross the road." and the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Richard Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the
road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask
'what was this chicken doing out of his pen walking around all over the place
anyway?'
Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken did cross the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 780. Which will not only cross
roads but will also lay eggs and file your important documents. And Explorer
is an inextricable part of the Chicken Coop 98 operating system.
Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road" But it is rather,
"Who was crossing the road at the same time, and whom have we overlooked in
our haste to observe the chicken crossing"
Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time have been naturally selected in such a
way that they are now genetically predispositioned to cross roads.
Grandpa:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us he
had and that was good enough for us.
Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads,
without having their motives called into question.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion... We are quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
I don't remember any chicken...
BILL CLINTON:
I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken.
That do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken please?
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isnt it obvious? Cant you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other
side. Thats what they call it: the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That
chicken should not be crossing the road. Its as plain and simple as that.
PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!
The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, Ive not been told!
ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest
of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law
enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing
our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the
chicken is just another pawn in the presidents ongoing and elaborate scheme
to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff
intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates
fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted
to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any
Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are
investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry
Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any
useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his
feathers.)
LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken,Thou shalt cross the road. And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say.
Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your
face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats
will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't
care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your
slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you.
Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will
have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will
lay with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look
like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak
out the back door.
Well here are a few reasons that girls like guys
1. The way they always wear their favorite cologne (which happens to be the
one that you bought them for their birthday)
2. The way the run their hands through out hair
3. The way that they look at you and you want to die right then and there
4. The way that they casually put their arms around you
5. The way that they kiss away your tears
6. ...and the way that they then get mad at how they can't make your problem go
away
7. The way they show off around their friends, even though you both know that
you would love them even if they missed a basket or two
8. How there eyes light up at the result of 3 hours of preparing for your date
9. How they always know just what to say to make you blush
10. How they sometimes think that they know just what to say to make you feel
better, even if you think that it is the worst thing that they could say
11. The way they hold you close when you are cold
12. How they look at you when your mad at them and all your anger melts away
13. How they always smile when you are together
14. The way that they always let you win any game that you play together
15. ... and then when you point that out to them they pretend to not know what
you are talking about
16. The way that they smile at you
17. The way that you feel when they call to apologize after you had a big fight
18. The way that they say I love you
19. The way that they say I love you in front of their friends
20. The way that they touch and hold you so gently, like they are afraid that they
will break you
21. The way that they kiss you
22. The way that they open their arms to you when you are crying
23. The way that they never admit that you hurt them
24. The way that they try not to cry when they are afraid that they are losing you
25. The way that they think that they are your big protector, even though you
think that you are theirs
26. The way that they say I miss you, even though they hate to admit it
27. The way that you miss everything about them when they are gone
28. The way that they remember your special moments, or aniversaries when
you think that they forgot
29. The way that they apologize when they do forget
30. The way that they comfort you when you have a bad day
31. The way that you can't wait to get home and tell them all about your day
32. The way that they write you love letters even if they think that it is uncool
33. How they would rather be with you then their friends sometime
34. How you want to hug them even though they are all sweaty
35. Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that
you would die without them... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever
they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in
the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things
without a trace of sound, you know that your own life is inevitabley comsumed
within the rhythimic beatings of his heart. We love them for a million reasons,
No paper would do it justice. It is a thing a feeling, that is only felt.
WELL here's a few reasons why guys like girls
1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. the ease in which they fit into our arms
5. the way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth
while
8. because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side
9. the way they look good no matter what they wear
10. the way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you
think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. the way her hand always finds yours
13. the way they smile
14. the way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a
big fight
15. the way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an
hour later....
16. the way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you'
18. actually... just the way they kiss you...
19. the way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. then the way apologize when it does hurt ..(even though we don't admit it!)
23. the way they say "I miss you"
24. the way you miss them
25. the way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt
her anymore.....Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die
or know that you would die without them... it matters not. Because once in your
life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you
look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million
things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable
consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a
million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of
the heart. A feeling. Only felt.
now tell me isn't this the cutest thing that you have ever seen?
here is that catch
e-mail it to
0 people -- nothing too bad will happen ?
1-11 people -- you will get a happy surprise !
1-21 people -- someone that likes you will comeout and tell you
1-31 people -- someone that likes you will ask you out
1-41+ people -- YOU WILL SEE ( IT WILL BE GOOD THOUGH )
WHY GOD NEVER GOT TENURE:
1. Only one major publication ...
2. ...in Hebrew.
3. No references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. There are some doubts that he wrote it himself.
6. May be true he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
8. Never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
9. When experiment went awry, tried to cover it by drowning subjects.
10. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, deleted them from sample.
11. Rarely came to class and just told students to read the book.
12. Had son teach certain classes.
13. Expelled first two students for learning too much.
14. Only had ten requirements, but most of his students failed them.
15. Office hours infrequent and usually held on mountaintop.
16. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I
thought,"I'm another year older," but decided not to dwell on it. So I
showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would
greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."
All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the
newspaper as usual. She didn't say a word. So I got myself a cup of coffee
and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes,
they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me."
There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running
into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my
coat? I'm going to miss my bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for
the office.
When I walked in, my secretary greeted mew with a big smile and a cheerful.
"Happy Birthday, boss," She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her
remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea."
So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't
we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the
usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn
and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to
town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you
another martini?" It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to
do at the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis.
After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into
something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she
opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following
her were my wife and all my kids, and there I sat with nothing on but my
socks.
WHY JESUS IS BETTER THAN SANTA CLAUS
Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then
enters your heart when invited.
You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is
"Hi" to the little boy or girl, "What's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He
know our name, He knows our address too. He knows
our history and future and He even knows how many
hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care
for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs
broken homes and builds
mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about. We
need to put Christ back
in CHRISTmas, Jesus is still the reason for the
season.
Yes, Jesus is better, he is even better than Santa
Claus.
Why nagging a man doesn't work...
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech
asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to
the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The
Internet."
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support:"Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons - I'm a
Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was
meant to -"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file
cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Wilbur and Martha were happily married for
nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind
nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up Martha and
the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would
choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she
would plead with him to stop ripping one in the
morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She
begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be
done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told
her that it was just a natural bodily function, and
then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the
fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was
nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he
was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and Martha continued to
suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings
about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the
family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed
potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was
taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the
wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With
a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts
into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her
flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she
pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey
guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up,
replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to
finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake
with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon
followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of
frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
Martha could not control herself and her
eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor
laughing. After years of putting up with him she had
finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came
downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from
laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you
warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked Martha. "Well you
always told me that I would end up farting my guts
out one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two
fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
Subject: Software Warming
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have
inadvertently been shipped outside the South. If you have one
of these, you may need some help understanding the
commands.
The southern edition may be recognized by the unique
opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background art
of Gen. Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It
is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption" Dial up
Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message, a garbage bag and roll of duct
tape pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION
OK: ats aw-right
Cancel: piss on it
Reset: try er agin
Yes: yep
No: noop
Find: hunt fer it
Go to: over yonder
Back: back yonder
Help: hep me out here
Stop: kwitit
Start: crank er up
Settings: sittins
Programs: stuff at duz stuff
Documents: stuff I done did
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize
capital letters or punctuation marks.
PROGRAMS EXCLUSIVE TO WINDERS 98 tiperiter:
A word processing program colerin book: a graphics program
cyferin mersheen: calculator
outhouse paper: notepad
jupe-box: CD player
iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0
pichers: A graphics viewer
irs: MS accounting software
irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files tax records:
Generally an empty file
coon dawg: American Kennel Club records
You'll also recognize WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION
as it comes preloaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing
the Worldwide Web:
Fish: Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
NRA: National Rifle Association
Shotgun: Remington Arms home page
Riffel: Winchester home page
Pisstul: Smith & Wesson home page
Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code
House: Mobile home repair services and movers by zip code
Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents
Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule w/TV stations carrying races
Car 'n
Truck Repair: Junk yards by zip code
Doc: Veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may
return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this
helps all of y'all.
Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho
In the wake of the Federal anti-trust suit against Microsoft, Sony has
announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new
portable PC called the Vaio.
Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's
Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said,
"We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on
what has been -- until now an operating system that reflects Western cultural
hegemony.
For example, we have replaced the usual impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
VERSION #2
(try singing this outloud)
Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please read!",
And "answer with speed!".
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.
10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day's not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.
Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland
Wisdom From The Bathroom Walls
Some people come to sit and think.
Others come to shit and stink.
I come here to rest my balls and
Read the words upon the walls.
Everybody pisses on the floor.
Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.
(Sign posted in a bathroom:)
We aim to please!
You aim, too, please!
(Seen above a urinal:)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!
I do not like this place at all:
The seat is too high and the hole is too small.
(Underneath, in another handwriting:)
Your ass is too big and your legs are too short.
(On the inside of a stall door:)
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout
the entire performance.
(Written above a urinal in the men's rest room:)
We are urinals! We don't take no shit!
(In one person's handwriting:)
I love Amy M.
(In someone else's writing, right below it:)
Who hasn't?
(Written on a bathroom wall:)
"Question Authority"
(Written beneath it:)
"Why?"
In days of old when knights were bold
And paper wasn't invented
They'd wipe their ass on a clump of grass
And walk away contented.
For a good time, call ###-#### and ask for Mary.
For a BAD time, tell Mary where you got this number.
As you sit to take a shit,
Rest a while and think a bit.
The last time that I beat my meat,
Was on this very toilet seat.
(Sign seen at a restaurant:)
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...
please aim properly.
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
Trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.
You're holding your future in your hands!
(Someone had added:)
And it doesn't look too promising!
(Written above a urinal:)
Why are you looking up here?
Are you ashamed of it?
If your hose is too short,
Or your pump is too weak,
You'd better stand close,
Or you'll piss on your feet.
Here I sit broken hearted,
came to shit, only farted.
Women's Guide to Male-Bashing
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door!
3. If they put one man on the moon -they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, -they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
WOMEN RULE :)
If you're a woman, there is a 10 in 10 chance this will make you laugh...
POINTS TO PONDER:
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
SOME RIDDLES:
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
A:Both of them.
__________________
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
__________________
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
__________________
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.
__________________
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
___________________
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
__________________
Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
__________________
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes
___________________
Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: "I MUST be able to do better than that!"
___________________
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "No need to mess with Perfection."
___________________
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped.
___________________
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
To all you women out there...pass it on and let each of us share a good
one!
Women are Bright Because:
We got off the Titanic first.
~~@~~
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder
excuses.
~~@~~
Taxis stop for us.
~~@~~
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
~~@~~
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
~~@~~
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
~~@~~
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
~~@~~
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
~~@~~
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates
are still there.
~~@~~
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
~~@~~
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture
them naked.
~~@~~
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like
an idiot.
~~@~~
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
~~@~~
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
~~@~~
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
~~@~~
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence,
because they aren't listening anyway.
~~@~~
Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!!!
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to
say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently
suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause".
This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
In the sprit of Monday feel free to use these phrases at work today ...
Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again
I don't know what your problem is,
but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
World's Shortest Books
"To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
Human Rights Advances in China
"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
Al Gore: The Wild Years
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
Easy UNIX
Everything Men Know About Women
French Hospitality
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
"How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
Staple Your Way to Success
The Amish Phone Directory
The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment
that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two
worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor
putting the worm first into the glass of water. The worm in the
water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the glass of whiskey. It writhed
painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom,
dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
I don't have the details with me, but as I remember, a newspaper (one of the
ones in Washington, DC) ran a contest to see who could write the worst
analogies (sort of like the annual "Bad Hemingway" contest). These are
the winners. :)
**************
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy
Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*)
Compiled By: Bill Atchley (atchley@coltrane.gnets.ncsu.edu)
* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
* How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A
Liar All My Life
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
* I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
* I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
* If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
* If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But
Baby I Can See Through You
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
* Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Translated from Latin scroll dated 2BC
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD
is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't
know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having
been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking
upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier
and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't
done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he
could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply
said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual
charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to
throw out all our hardware and start again?
Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose. The
money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury
rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out
loans. Its an ill wind ......
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing
upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who
have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive
until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at
the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to
run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of
life.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K
problem.
I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you
have any ideas please let me know.
Plutonius
--------------------------------
Cassius replies thus:
Plutonius,
I am surprised at you, listening to all these wild rumours. It's only a
numbering system and anyone reading -1 will simply remove the minus sign
from the front and all will be well.
Also, I have been testing all the hardware I can find and the scrolls
all work OK with the new system. In fact, even the old stone tablets
work fine.
I wish people wouldn't get their togas in a twist about something that
they know little about - there will be a few minor problems, but nothing
that can't be sorted out.
We can, however, take comfort from the fact that future generations will
have learned from this lesson and they will prepare for such events well
in advance.
Cassius.
THE Y1K CRISIS
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the
millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K
Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.
Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civil-
ization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse,
and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one
anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would
throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse
in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony
and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to
accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with
three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using
carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be
converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime,
the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from
confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael
Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND
contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers,
and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the
year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible
confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even
worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille which is the same as the
Latin for mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time
or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional
pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on
tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable
ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval
economy into chaos.
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the
entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of
personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are
stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
YO MAMMA SO STUPID
Yo momma is so stupid, I tell her to buy me a color t.v., and she asks,
What color?"
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo momma so stupid it took her half an hour to make minute rice
Yo momma so stupid she threw a brick at the floor and missed
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign,
she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her
mind
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at
McDonalds!
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3
twice.
Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book
Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
Yo momma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said
"Disneyworld Left" so she went home.
Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said
"guess" so she said levi's.
Yo momma so stupid she called information to get the number for 411 ...
YO MAMMA SO UGLY
Yo Mama's so ugly when she walks by the bathroom the toilet flushes
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
professionals."
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a
treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they
put it around her neck
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the
surveillence cameras
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the
dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours...
for a quote!
Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo momma so ugly Ted Danson wouldn't date her!
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he
doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow
Yo momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water
Yo mama's so ugly, she went into a haunted house and came out with a job
Aplication
You Know You Are Getting Old When...
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your
socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle,
pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's
license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the
patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs
out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your
mother said to you, and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not
be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one
more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get
tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining
lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start
with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it
going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best
friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in
the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection
from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt -
doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and
they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they
stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still
don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually
that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your
body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when
you don't even remember being on top of it.
You Know You're an Idiot When...
* you put lipstick on the forehead because you wanted to makeup your mind.
* you get stabbed in a shoot-out.
* you send a fax with a stamp on it.
* you're on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!"
* you try to drown a fish.
* someone gives you a penny for your intelligence, and you have to give them
change.
* you think socialism means partying.
* you trip over a cordless phone.
* you take a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.
* At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" you put
"Sagittarius."
* you take 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
* you study for a blood test and fail. * invent a solar powered flashlight.
* you sell the car for gas money.
* you heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, you move.
* you miss the 44 bus, and take the 22 twice instead.
* you take someone to the airport, see a sign that says, "Airport left", and then
turn around and go home.
* you get locked in Furniture Shop and sleep on the floor.
* try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire
sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've
seen are on road trips.
10.You have no idea what a polecat is.
11.You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a
poodle.
12.You don't have bangs.
13.You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six
Flags.
14.More than two generations of your family have been
kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15.You would rather have your son become a lawyer than
grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
16.Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you
call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17.You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18.You have never planned your summer vacation around a
gun-n-knife show.
19.You think more money should go to important scientific
research at your university than to pay the salary of the head
football coach.
20.You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere
around the house.
21.The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone
from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
22.You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed
stores.
23.The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter
at Neiman Marcus.
24.You call binoculars opera glasses.
25.You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to
the side of the road and stopping.
26.You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27.You don't know what applique is.
28.You don't know anyone with at least two first names (e.g.,
Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe
Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
29.You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how
to make one.
30.You've never been to a craft show.
31.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to
you.
32.You can do your laundry without quarters.
33. None of your fur coats are homemade.
You Might Be From Louisville if...
....you've shoveled 10 inches of snow and worn shorts in the
same week.
....you've experienced a "salt storm" after a 2 inch snow Fall,
(there's more salt on the road than snow).
....your international airport looks about the size of your
average mall
...the in-state sports rivalry is paid more attention to than
the national championship. (Go big Blue/Red)
....you live in an area that occasionally gets considerable
snowfall,frequent floods, and a tornado or two and has no capacity to deal
with any of the above.
....you pronounce the name of your city differently than anyone
else in the country (Lullvull, Luavull, Lewisville, Looeyvul)
....you sound like a hick to a majority of people outside
Kentucky.
....you think the rest of the people in Kentucky are hicks.
....when asked where you're from you refer to Louisville as if it's not a
part of kentucky so people don't automatically stereo-type you as a hick.
....when you think "Kentucky" you don't automatically think horse racing or
fried chicken.
....you ask your doctor for an allergy cure and he tells you to
move.
....you've ever taken a winter coat along on a day that started
out at 65 degrees
....your cable tv or UofL tuition bill goes up between 5-10%
every few months
.....every year you go to the Cincy Jazz feast like it's the
biggest party in the world, but can't understand why people in
Cincy make such a big deal about the KY Derby.
....you or somebody you know works at Ford, GE, or UPS (or all
3!!)
....If you invite people from out of town to come see Thunder
over Louisville, and once they see it, come back every year!
....Showcase used to be the best theater in world to go to; until
Tinsel Town.
....You've ever taken hospital curve doing 75 just to see if it
could be done.
....you hardly ever went to KY Kingdom, but as soon as it became Six Flags
over Ky Kingdom you knocked down old ladies at Kroger to get your $40
season pass.
....you've gone down to the great lawn to see the wonderful
Sunsets.
....While driving down 65N at night, you've referred to the Capital
Holdings building to as "the big penis in the sky"
....you know the importance of the Dirt bowl, Gripo's and Big
red.
....You think Papa Johns is the greatest pizza company on earth.
....You don't follow baseball at all, but Louisville Slugger bats are the
coolest.
....you know that the mall in St Matthews is the only mall worth your time.
....you are still complaining about Dillards buying out Bacons.
....You brag about how great Louisville is, but when you bring people there
you don't know what to do (this excludes the month of april through the
first sat in may).
....You claim you'll never live there again after college, but somehow you
end up back home ;)
You might have a redneck yard if...
You can barely see the toilets because the grass is so high
Every major household appliance is represented in your landscaping decor
Several cars that will never again run are displayed on blocks
Numerous tires scattered throughout yard, that don't match any of above
cars
Numerous car parts scattered throughout yard, that don't match above cars
or tires
Three words: Silver Streak Trailer
Pile of empty liquor/beer containers that rivals the Matterhorn in height
Random piles of metal parts of unknown origin that do not match said
appliances or cars
Plastic flowers that spin when it's windy and/or plastic flamingos add
that extra touch of class
Above-mentioned valuable items are guarded by: underfed hound dogs and/or
overfed wife & her shotgun.
You know you're a "Redneck" if...
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market is a place to get beer and pretzels.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship
came in."
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor
to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her
language.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with
the kids."
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You refer to the last weeks TV Guide as a classic.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look
nice.
You use hubcaps as frisbees
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list.
The Home Shopping operator recognized your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever got a tattoo, on layaway.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling, the
state trooper to
kiss her ass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
Your family tree does not fork.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in
the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You use a Hefty Bag as a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance
restrictions.
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because WWF wrestling is on while you're at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer
bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
You've ever heard a sheep baa and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how truck stops keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You have grease under your toenails.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
Your wife has more children than teeth.
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud
Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wing Fighters is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum
skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so
you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to
the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-
shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-
speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to
get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the
Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a
redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle
..."
You ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
You ever fell in love with your sister.
You ever looked at Admiral Ackbar and thought "Crawdaddy boil!".
You ever cleaned your ears with a lightsaber.
Your R2 unit has a rifle rack.
You're Lost in the Generation Gap Between
Baby Boomers and Generation X If...
You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back
pocket was cool.
You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products
as Atari, IntelliVision, telStar and Coleco.
You remember the premier of MTV-or worse yet, you remember its
predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."
A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
(Related to No. 10) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the
cars behind you.
You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following
phrases: "You know, back then...," "When I was your age...," or "When I
was younger..."
You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran
Duran video.
You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the
sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.
You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from
"Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."
Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by
saying "I was experimenting."
You've ever shopped at Benetton.
You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by
the first scene.
You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes)for Luke and
Laura's wedding on "GH."
You know who shot J.R.
You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.
This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me."
You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were
sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.)
You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.
You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed
867-5309 to see if Jenny as actually there.
"All skate, change directions" means something to you.
You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to
wear.
You bought a pair of Vans and wanted to order a pizza in history class so
you could be just like Jeff Spicoli.(Related item: if you've ever smacked
yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I'm SO wasted!"
You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the
second-hand reports.
You remember when movies were only PG and R.
You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch...and
your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by a CORD!
You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or - worst of all - what
Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.
Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of
a coffee table.
You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
You remember having a rotary phone.
You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal
commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.
"Members Only" jackets...say no more.
And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day:
you actually remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest
American Hero." ("BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKIN' ON AIR...I NEVER THOUGHT
I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE...")
Next section from "Trippy Hippie" (another 30-something):
That tank-sized top-loading VCR was a Beta
And the station wagon was a Ford Pinto
One word: Dittos!
Three words: "Saturday Night Fever".
You owned a satin jacket with "Roller Disco" on the back (and/or
jogging-shoe roller skates)
You wore Dolfin shorts to school
Your parents bought your school clothes from FedMart or Gemco, and saved
S&H Green Stamps
Your preschool TV favorites: "Romper Room", "Beany & Cecil" and "Electric
Company".
Your elementary school favorites: "Battlestar Galactica", "Benny Hill",
"Little House", "H.R. Puffnstuff" and "Adam-12".
You snuck out of bed on Saturday nights hoping to see the "Mr. Bill Show".
You have personally experienced the following phrase: Rocky Horror Picture
Show Audience Participation. **Bonus points if more than 10 times.
You owned a "dartboard" poster that said "Put A Hole-a In the Ayatollah"
You wore feathered roach clips as hair ornaments
You wore any of the following (when they were in style, that is): "Hang
Ten", Clip-on koalas, "rainbow" shirts; "prairie" skirts; "breaker wedge"
shoes; "gauchos" (ack!); Mexican pullover jackets; Gloria Vanderbilt
cords, "Death Before Disco" t-shirts, or the "Flashdance" look
You had a crush on Buck Rogers, Jeff Spicoli, Andy Gibb, Donny Osmond,\
Leif Garrett, Peter Frampton or Shawn Cassidy
You had a metal KISS lunchbox in grade school
You hear "Batman" and think of Adam West in pantyhose
Your childhood memories include a burnt orange/avocado green kitchen
You know what "Let's Get Small" and "King Tut" have in common.
You've done both "The Hustle" and the "Safety Dance".
Two words: Pac Man.
Two more: My Sharona.
You find yourself saying: "A long time ago we had these things called
record players..." ((I ACTUALLY said this to my kid recently)
You remember saying "in 2000, I'll be 30-something years old." and it
seemed soooo far away.
You've recently begun to consider "Can I see your I.D" a compliment
You remember how kids who wore "floods" to school were mercilessly
teased...and can't believe it's actually a style now
And lastly...you thought the Greatest American Hero was an awesome babe!
HERE'S ANOTHER GROUP - FROM "CAT WOMAN"
YOUR 1ST CAR WAS YOUR DAD'S OLD PACER, PINTO, HORNET OR GREMLIN. EXTRA
POINTS IF IT WAS FLAT GOLD OR ORANGE.
MORE TV FARE: "PLANET OF THE APES" AND "LAUGH IN"
THE CLOTHES YOU HATED BUT YOUR MOM MADE YOU WEAR IN GRADE SCHOOL ARE RIGHT
NOW TOTALLY IN STYLE WITH TEENAGERS.
YOU LOOK LIKE A FOOL IN JUNIOR CLOTHES, BUT AN OLD LADY IN MISSES'.
Yummy Fingers!
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"