Abbott and Costelle Learn Hebrew
by Rabbi Jack Moline


Lori's Hebrew cheat sheet:

Hebrew == English

Mee == who
Hu == he
Hee == she
Ma == what
Dag == fish


ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.

COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.

A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is
that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not
mean the same thing.

C: Sure, I understand.

A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.

C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's
simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
the same.

A: Precisely.

C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in
Hebrew?

A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.

C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn
Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.

A: Fine. Let's start with mee.

C: You.

A: No , mee.

C: Fine, we'll start with you.

A: No, we'll start with mee.

C: Okay, have it your way.

A: Now, mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: No, no, no. Mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: You don't understand.

C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?

A: Yes I did. Mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about
mee.

C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.

A: No, no. Tell me about mee!

C: Who?

A: Precisely.

C: Precisely what?

A: Precisely who.

C: It's precisely whom!

A: No, mee is who.

C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.

A: All right. Hu is he.

C: Who is he?

A: Yes.

C: I don't know. Who is he?

A: Sure you do. You just said it.

C: I just said what?

A: Hu is he.

C: Who is he?

A: Precisely.

C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?

A: No, precisely hee.

C: Precisely he? Who is he?

A: Precisely!

C: And what about me?

A: Hu.

C : me, me, me!

A : Hu, hu, hu!

C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?

A : No, hu is he!

C: I don't know I maybe he is me!

A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)

C: Do his parents know about this?

A: About what?

C: About her!

A: What about her?

C: That she is he!

A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!

C: Then who is he?

A: Precisely!

C: Who?

A: He!

C: Me?

A: Hu!

C: He?

A: She!

C: Who is she?

A: No, hu is he.

C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?

A: No, that's not right.

C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here
when I said it, and I know me.

A: Hu.

C: Who?

A: Precisely!

C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!


A: No, hee is she!

C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a
little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.

A: Go ahead.

C: Now first You want to know me is who.

A: Correct.

C: And then you say who is he.

A: Absolutely.

C : And then you tell me he is she.

A & C: Precisely!

C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he.
And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?

A: Who?

C: She!

A: That is he!

C: Who is he?

A & C: Precisely!

C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I
want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!

A: What.

C I said Ma.

A: What.

Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!

A: What!

C: Not what, who!

A: He!

C: Not he! Ma is not he!

A: Of course not! Hu is he!

C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care
who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
play with my dog.

A: Fish.

C Fish?

A: Dag is fish.

C: That's all, I'm outa here.