(#1195) The Wig
Lionel is getting quite bald and his elder
daughter’s wedding is coming up. All his friends and family would be there
so, well even men can be vain; he gets fitted with an expensive toupee.
On the wedding day, everything went well.
Nevertheless, Lionel thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next
day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, "What’s the
matter, daddy? Why are you so sad?"
"I’m not really sad, darling," he replies,
"it’s just that I’m sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig."
"No they didn’t, daddy," she says, "No
one I told knew."
(#1196) Looking for Freda
Isaac arrives home one afternoon and can’t
see his Freda anywhere. So he shouts out, "Oh darling, my sweet honey bun,
I’m home. Where are you?"
He hears Freda reply from somewhere, "I’m
hiding."
So Isaac shouts out, "Oh darling, my sweetheart,
I’ve got a lovely surprise for you. Where are you?"
"Again he hears Freda reply, "I’m hiding."
Isaac then shouts out, "Oh darling, my
loved one, I’ve bought for you that diamond and platinum bracelet you’ve
always wanted from Mappin & Webb. Where are you?"
This time he hears Freda shout back, "I’m
hiding - I’m hiding in the bedroom wardrobe."
(#1197) You’re driving me crazy
Jacob meets his friend Max in the Hendon
delicatessen. "So Max, how’s your wife Kitty?"
Oy veh," replies Max, "she’s driving me
absolutely crazy. Every night she dreams that she’s married to a millionaire."
"That’s nothing," says Jacob," my Sadie
dreams she’s married to a millionaire during the day."
(#1198) The text message
Avrahom’s son Howard was at Cambridge
University and Avrahom was worried that Howard might quickly forget that
he was Jewish. As Yom Kippur was coming, Avrahom sent Howard the following
text message: -
HI HOWARD. YOM KIPPUR STARTS ON
TUESDAY
Howard sent the following reply: -
THANKS FOR THE TIP. PUT ME DOWN
FOR £70 ON IT TO WIN
(#1199) Calculating your age
Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe.
After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court.
The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour."
The judge replied, "Please answer my question
honestly. How old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour," answered
Sadie again.
"Well," said the judge, "you’re not being
truthful. It’s written down here that you were born in August 1940 and
that means you’re over 60."
"But your Honour," replied Sadie, "I’m
not counting the last 20 years with my husband."
"Why not?" asked the judge.
"You call that living?" replied Sadie.
(#1200) Meeting with the tax inspector
[My thanks to Ian and Jackie
for the following]
Abe was due a visit from the Inland Revenue
inspector to go through some discrepancies in his accounts. Should he dress
up or down for the meeting? He just didn’t know what was best so he asked
both his accountant and his lawyer for their views.
His accountant told him, "Wear your worst
clothes, shmattas even, and an old pair of shoes. Make him believe you’re
very poor."
But his lawyer told him, "Wear your smartest
suit with a good shirt, expensive tie and nice cuff-links. That way you
won’t be intimidated."
Abe was confused and went to see his Rabbi
about the conflicting advice he had been given. "Let me answer your dilemma
with a story," said the Rabbi.
A woman, about to marry, asked her mother
what she should wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied, "Put on
a long nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wear woollen socks."
But when the woman asked her best friend,
she got conflicting advice. "Put on your sexiest, most see-through negligee."
"I don’t understand, Rabbi. What does
this have to do with my interview with the Inland Revenue?" asked Abe.
"It means that it doesn't matter what
you wear," replied the Rabbi, "you're going to get screwed anyway."
(#1201)Thought for the day
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
(#1202) Benefits of television
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Some people believe that regularly watching
television does us no good at all because TV is a destroyer of minds. But
not everyone believes this and certainly not Rabbi Levy. When asked what
his views were on the educational role of television, Rabbi Levy replied,
"TV can actually play a very important educational role. When someone turns
on the TV in my house, I go into my study and read Torah and the commentaries."
(#1203) The request
[My thanks to Anna R for
the following]
Miriam, an elderly lady, is on her way
to Brent Cross shopping centre when she hears some music coming from close
by. She crosses over the road and there standing on the corner is a busker
playing a violin. So she joins the small crowd listening to the music.
Suddenly, a flasher comes up to the crowd, opens his coat and bares his
‘all’. With a totally straight face, Miriam turns to the busker and says,
"How much do you want for playing, 'Button Up Your Overcoat?’"
(#1204) Brotherly love
[My thanks to Michael B,
USA for the following]
It was Sunday morning and as he had been
doing for a number of years, 8year-old Abe was attending Hebrew classes.
His teacher had just finished discussing one of the Ten Commandments, the
one about honouring your mother and father, when the teacher asked the
class, "Now, who can tell me which of the commandments tells us how to
deal with our brothers and sisters?"
Abe put his hand up and, when asked, proudly
said, "Thou shalt not kill."
(#1205) Marriage advice
Melvyn says to Howard, "My father is always
advising me to find a girl who has the same belief as the family, and then
marry her."
"That advice wouldn’t work for me," says
Howard. "Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm a shmuck?"
(#1206) Health forecast
Benny meets his grandfather in the street
one morning. "Hi zaydeh. How are you feeling today?"
"Oy veh, Benny, I've got so many aches
and pains that if I get a new one, it will have to wait at least a week
before I can think of even worrying about it."
(#1207) Hear no evil
It was tea break at their office and Avrahom
and Harry, both deaf, were talking about being out late the night before.
Avrahom said, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I sneaked into bed
and didn’t get into any trouble."
Harry said, "Then you’re very lucky. When
I got back, I realised I was in shtook (in trouble) - my wife was awake
and waiting for me in bed. She was broyges (angry) and started swearing
at me for being out late."
Avrahom asked, "So what did you do, Harry?"
"I just turned out the light," replied
Harry.
(#1208) The Dior dress
One day, just as Rebecca was walking past
‘Yiddishe Mumma Exclusive Fashions’ in Golders Green, she saw them putting
a new dress in their window. It stopped her in her tracks – it was a pale
green Dior evening dress and she was totally entranced by this brilliant
creation. She was convinced that it was bashayrt (destined by fate) – it
was meant for her.  But it was priced at £3,500 and she had
to think of a good way to persuade her Hymie to buy it for her. Then she
had an idea. She couldn’t wait to get home.
"Hymie, darling?"
"Yes, what is it Rebecca?"
"Last night I had a lovely dream, Hymie,"
she said.
"So what kind of a dream was it, Rebecca?"
he asked.
"I dreamed that we passed by Yiddishe
Mumma, and in the window was this gorgeous Dior dress at only £3,500.
And do you know what you did, Hymie?"
"Nu, so what did I do?" he asked.
"You went into the shop and bought it
for me, darling."
"Did I really?" Hymie said, "That really
was a wonderful dream. Please God, in all your future dreams, you should
wear it in good health."
(#1209) Memories
Bernie and Shlomo, both in their 80s,
are taking their weekly ZFT (zimmer frame totter) in Hendon Park.
"So, Shlomo, how are you?" asks Bernie.
"Oy veh I’m getting worse and worse,"
replies Shlomo. "All of a sudden, my memory's decided to play me tricks.
I can't even remember whether it was you or my brother who died last month."
(#1210) Follow my leader
Little Emma is watching her mother preparing
their Shabbat dinner – this week it’s Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother
slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking.
So Emma asks, "Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?"
Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then
replies, "That’s a good question, Emma. It’s what my mother always did
when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same. But I’ve no idea why. Let’s
phone bubbeh and ask her."
So they phone bubbeh and ask why she always
sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking.
Bubbeh replies, "You know, I'm not sure
why – that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef."
Because they are now very curious, they
visit Emma’s great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, "You
know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before
cooking it?"
"I don't know why you do it," says the
great grandmother, "but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!"
(#1211) The big sit
Kitty and Freda, both in their 80s, are
returning from their visit to Brent Cross shopping centre. They have been
sitting on a bench for over 30 minutes waiting for their bus when Kitty
turns to Freda and says, "You know, Freda, I've been sitting here so long,
my toches has fallen asleep."
Freda turns to Kitty and says, "I know,
I heard it snoring!"
(#1212) The error in payment
Shlomo the builder has an employment contract
that states he is to be paid weekly for a job that is going to last at
least 12 months. One Friday, after he’s been paid, Shlomo goes to his boss
and shows him the cheque he's been given.
"This is £100 less than I should
have been paid," says Shlomo.
"I know," replies his boss, "last week
I overpaid you £100 and you said nothing."
Embarrassed, Shlomo says, "Well, I don't
mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have
to call it to your attention."
(#1213) In return
On the first day God created Cow. And
God said to the cow, "I would like you to go into the field with the farmer
and suffer in the sun all day long, have calves and give milk to the farmer
to help him survive. In return I will give you a life of 60years."
Cow said, "That's a hard life you’ve mapped
out for me, especially as you want me to live for 60years. Instead, just
give me 20years and I'll give back the other 40."
And God agreed.
On the second day God created Dog. And
God said to the dog, "I would like you to sit all day outside the front
door of your house and bark at everyone who comes in or walks near you.
In return, I will give you a life of 20years."
Dog said, "That's going to be hard work
barking all day, especially as you want me to be doing this for 20years.
Instead, just give me 10years and I'll give back the other 10."
And God agreed.
On the third day God created Monkey. And
God said to the monkey, "I would like you to entertain people by doing
lots of monkey tricks and making them laugh. In return, I'll give you a
life of 20years."
Monkey said, "That’s a very boring life
you want to give me, doing monkey tricks for 20years. I’d rather not, if
you don’t mind.  I hear that Dog gave you back 10years so I’d like
to do the same. Is that OK?"
And God agreed.
On the fourth day God created Man. And
God said to the man, "Just for you, I would like you to eat, sleep, play
and enjoy. You’ll need do nothing else - just enjoy, enjoy. And in return,
I will give you a life of 20years."
Man said, "What, only 20years? That’s
not enough. Let me make a suggestion. I'll take my 20years plus the 40years
Cow returned plus the 10years Monkey returned plus the 10years Dog returned.
I make that ….. 80years. Can I have 80years, please?"
"Okay," said God, "I agree."
That’s why: -
for the first 20years, we eat, sleep,
play, enjoy and do nothing,
for the next 40years we slave in the sun
to support our family,
for the next 10years we do monkey tricks
to entertain our grandchildren,
and for the last 10years we sit in front
of the house and bark at everybody.
(#1214) The orthodox golfer
He plays orthodox golf. He never drives
on the Sabbath
go to fifty-sixth
set