(#362) The four questions
The Sunday school lesson had just finished
and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly
raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like
to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi.
Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they
then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated
the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought
the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were
the grown-ups doing all this time?"
(#363) Have I?
Moishe, an elderly man, goes to a brothel
and tells the madam that he would like a beautiful, young lady for the
night. The madam gives him a quick look-over and is rather puzzled. So
she asks him, "How old are you?"
"Why," replies Moishe, "I'm 98 years old
today."
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't
you realize you've had it?"
"Oh," he says, "in that case, how much
do I owe you?"
(#364) Perfect?  The story of Moshe
and Hette Cohen - Mr & Mrs perfect
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a
perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding
at the London Hilton. Their life together in Golders Green was, of course,
perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road in Hendon, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a
huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were
driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind-numbing question is: Who was the
survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the
only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is
no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women: stop reading here. This is the end
of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no
Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains
why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're
reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
(#365)  Riddle
Q:  What is Jewish Alzheimer's Disease?
A:  It’s when you forget everything
but the guilt.
(#366) Surprise, surprise
Rabbi Landau has always been secretly
sad that he's never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote
tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he
said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and
orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call
his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking
towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit
the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on
his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your
special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says,
"Would you believe it - you order an apple in this restaurant and look
how they serve it!"
(#367) Motherly love
Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time
with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes
even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls
Freda into his office and tells her, "Your son has an Oedipus complex."
"Oedipus Shmedipus," answers Freda, "As
long as he loves his mother."
(#368) Advertisement in the Jewish Chronicle
Mr & Mrs Moshe Levy are pleased to
announce the birth of their beloved son, Doctor David Levy."
(#369) Get up at once
Freda goes into her son's bedroom. "You've
got to get up for school, Yossi."
Yossi pulls the blankets over his head
and replies, "I don't want to go to school, mother."
"But you have to," Freda said.
"I don't want to. The teachers don't like
me and all the kids make fun of me." Freda pulls the blanket back a little,
"Yossi, you don't have any choice. You've got to get up for school."
"OK, OK", says Yossi, "But only if you
give me one very good reason!"
"You're 52 years old and you're the headmaster."
(#370) A step up the ladder
Maurice, a young Jew comes to North London
and applies for a job as caretaker at the Edgware Synagogue. The synagogue
committee were just about to offer him the job when they discover that
he is illiterate. They decide for many reasons that it would be inappropriate
to have an illiterate caretaker. So Maurice leaves and decides to forge
a career in another business. He chooses to sell plastic goods door to
door. He does well and soon is able to buy a car and later, to open a store,
and then a second. Finally he is ready to open 5 more stores and so applies
to the bank for a loan. But when the bank manager asks him to sign the
contract, it was obvious that he could not write. Shocked to discover that
this successful young man had little education, the bank manager says,
"Just think what you could have been if you had learned to read and write."
"Yes," says Maurice, "I would be caretaker
at Edgware synagogue."
(#371) How to get richer
A Hebrew teacher in Chelm declared one
day: "If I was Rothschild I would be richer than Rothschild." "Why?" "Because
I would give Hebrew lessons on the side."
(#372) The dowry
Jacob is talking to his friend Morris.
"A terrible thing," says Jacob. "My daughter
Rifka is getting married tomorrow and I promised a dowry of £25,000.
Now, half the dowry is missing."
"So what?" replies Morris. "One usually
pays only half of the promised dowry at the beginning of the wedding."
"I know, but that's the half which is
missing."
(#373) The fire
Moishe is a member of Hendon synagogue.
One day he calls on Rabbi Goldman of Golders Green synagogue to ask him
for help.
"Everything I had and owned, Rabbi, was
lost when my house burned down recently in a raging fire. I've nothing
left but the clothes I’m wearing."
"Do you have a letter from your own rabbi
attesting to this fire?" Rabbi Goldman asks.
"Yes, I did have such a letter, but unfortunately,
that was also lost in the fire."
(#374) The meal
Moishe goes into a restaurant and orders
potato latke. When they arrive at his table, he does not like the look
of them and changes his order to blintzes. Later, when he had finished,
he gets up to leave.
"Wait a second," said the manager, "You
haven't paid for your blintzes."
"What are you talking about?" Moishe replies.
"Those blintzes were only an exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for
them."
"Yes, but you didn't pay for them either."
"Why should I pay for the potato latke?
I didn't eat them."
(#375) Isn’t marriage wonderful?


Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!


“I married Miss Right.  I just didn't
know her first name was Always.”


“I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. 
I don't like to interrupt her.”


Marriage is a 3-ring circus:  Engagement
ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"  I said, "Dust!"


In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.  Then God created woman.  Since
then, neither God nor man has rested.


Why do men die before their wives?  Because
they want to.


A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman
shopping in Brent Cross and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."


Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-law.


Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?” Dad:
"Not just in Africa, son. That happens in every country.


The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.


First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An
expensive way to get laundry done for free.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men
would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


Then there was a man who said, "I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how
much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know
son, I'm still paying.


(#376) The problem with Jewish Food
Two Chinamen are leaving Blooms restaurant
and one says to the other: "The problem with Jewish food is that two days
later, you're hungry again"
go to fifteenth set