(#575) He had
a hat!
[My
thanks to Michael West for this version of ‘he had a hat’]
Becky and Myron
decided to take their little son from the heat of the city to his first
visit to the beach. Dressed in his little sailor suit and hat and pail
and shovel in hand, the boy happily played at the water's edge as his mother
and father spread their picnic blanket. Then suddenly, to his parents'
horror, a huge wave crashed down on the boy and then dragged him far out
to sea. As neither of his parents could swim, his mother began to wail
and cry, "Dear God, be merciful. Return our son to us!"
Suddenly another
huge wave cast the boy back up on the sand at his parents' feet. His mother
inspected her son and then quickly looked back towards the heavens and
said, "He had a hat!"
(#576) So who’s
kidding who?
Maurice and Rifka
are a lovely elderly couple, both in their eighties. One day, Rifka says
to Maurice, “Do you know what I’d like right now - an ice cream.”
“Then I’ll go get
you one,” says Maurice.
“That’s sweet of
you, dear,” says Rifka. “Go get a piece of paper so you can write down
what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days.”
“Don’t you worry,”
says Maurice, “I won’t forget – just tell me what you want.”
“I’d rather you
wrote it down,” says Rifka.
“Please don’t argue,”
says Maurice, “what do you want?”
“I want a cornet
with one scoop of raspberry ice cream. Please write it down.”
“I don’t need to.
Do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll also
have a scoop of chocolate ice cream,” replies Rifka.
“Anything else?”
says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll have
some butterscotch sauce on top of the ice cream. But are you sure you won’t
write it down?” says Rifka.
“I don’t need to,
honest.  Now do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Well now you ask,”
says Rifka, “I’d like a sprinkling of nuts over the sauce and to finish
it off, a glace cherry on top. But will you remember all of that?”
“Yes, dear, stop
nagging,” says Maurice and leaves to get the order.
50 minutes later
Maurice comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rifka and proudly
announces, “Darling, here’s the fried fish you asked for!”
Rifka looks in the
parcel, then at him and says, “I knew you would forget something. So where
are the chips?”
(#577) Synagogue
seating request form
Last year, many
of you expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue.
In order for us to place you in a seat that will best suit you, we ask
you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue
secretary’s office as soon as possible.
PLEASE PUT A TICK
AGAINST YOUR CHOICES
               
1. I would prefer to sit in the: -
               
___ Talking section
               
___ Non-talking section
               
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest)
               
___ Stock market
               
___ Football
               
___ Medicine
               
___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
               
___ Your recent holidays
               
___ The rabbi
               
___ The chazzan's voice
               
___ Fashion news
               
___ What others are wearing
               
___ Why they look awful
               
___ Your neighbours
               
___ Your relatives
               
___ The situation in Israel
               
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
               
___ Other:_______________________________
               
3. Who of the following would you like to be near for free professional
advice?
               
___ Doctor
               
___ Dentist
               
___ Psychiatrist
               
___ Child psychiatrist
               
___ Travel Agent
               
___ Stockbroker
               
___ Accountant
               
___ Solicitor
               
___ Estate agent
               
___ Architect
               
___ Plumber
               
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
               
___ Other: ____________________________
               
4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
               
___ On the aisle
               
___ Near the exit
               
___ Near a window
               
___ Near the toilets
               
___ Near the bimah
               
___ Near single men
               
___ Where no one on the bimah can see me talking during service
               
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during service
               
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
               
5. I would like a seat where:
               
___ I can see my spouse
               
___ I cannot see my spouse
               
___ I can see my friend's spouse
               
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse
               
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
               
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining
another congregation.)
               
_________________________
               
_________________________
               
_________________________
               
_________________________
               
_________________________
               
_________________________
               
7. Your name: __________________________________
              
8.  Building fund pledge:  £_________________________
(#578) A Trip
to the Old Country
Benjamin, a young
Talmud student who had left Israel for London some years earlier, returns
to visit his family.
"But Benjamin, where
is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mother," he replies,
"In London, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you
keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks.
"Mother, business
is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food
you still eat?" asks his mother.
"Mother, in London,
it is very difficult to keep kosher."
Then silence, whilst
his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans
over and whispers in his ear, "Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
(#579) A visit
to the doctor
Abe came home one
day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what’s
the matter?"
"Oh Abe," cried
Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy
woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor
Cohen and get this sorted out right now."
So Abe called his
doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis."
The doctor said
something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing.
"So what's so funny
about my having such a dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor
Cohen didn't say 'tuberculosis', he said 'too big a tochus’"
(‘tochus’ is Yiddish
for ‘bottom’).
(#580) The perfect
shot?
Gary stood over
his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. He looked up, looked down,
measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed. Then he started
over again. All this was driving his partner Benny nuts.
Finally Benny said,
"Oy vey! What's taking you so long? Hit the blasted ball will you already!"
Gary replied, "But
Benny, my wife Suzie is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want
to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, Gary,
you'll never hit her from here!"
(#581) ‘Tired
and thirsty’ from around the world
The Italian says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm
tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm
tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
(#582) The prophecy
Moishe, a medieval
Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favourite mistress would
soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was
outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about
the woman's death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, "Prophecy, tell
me when you will die!"
Moishe realized
that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer
he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only
know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
(#583) Shaggy
buffalo story
A family of Schmohawk
Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz,
mama Pocayenta and the beautiful daughter, Minihorowitz.
"So, nu," says Minihorowitz,
"You'll never believe."
"What?" says Pocayenta.
"Today, at high
noon, someone proposed to me."
"So what did you
say?" says Pocayenta."
"I said yes"
"That's wonderful,"
says Pocayenta. "She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little
Minihorowitz is getting married."
"I heard," says
Geronowitz, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"
"Sittin' Bialy."
"Sittin' Bialy?"
says Pocayenta," of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"
"That's the one,"
says Minihorowitz.
"Oy, Geronowitz!
The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can
we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"
"We'll think of
something," says Geronowitz.
"Geronowitz, get
me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat
and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo."
So Geronowitz goes
out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come
back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes home exhausted,
staggering and empty-handed.
"Geronowitz I've
been worried sick. Where have you been? Where's my buffalo?"
"It's like this,"
he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high and I hunted low and I finally
found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones
for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled
in for the night to try again the next day.
The second day,
I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally
found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell
you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This,
I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter's wedding. So I
carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a
big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say so
myself, it was  the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the
buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.
So I reach into
my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I
raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck when suddenly, like a
bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."
"See what?" says
Pocayenta.
"I've brought the
dairy tomahawk!"
(#584) Well trained
Sam invites Issy
to see how his dog Cindy is getting on with her obedience training. Issy
says, "Why not get Cindy to do a trick for me?"
Sam says, " Cindy,
fetch."
Cindy immediately
starts to whine and says, "Oy! What a terrible day I'm having, you wouldn't
believe it could get any worse. And the food he’s giving me, well, it’s
not even fit for a dog, it’s rubbish. And he wouldn’t even take me out
for my daily exercise this morning."
Issy doesn't understand
why Cindy should behave in this way. So Sam explains, "Cindy hasn’t got
the best of hearing these days. She thought I said kvetch."
(#585) Quickies
Q:  What is
a Jewish princess's idea of a dream home?
A:  6,000 sq.
ft; no kitchen and no bedrooms.
Did you hear about
the guy who called his girlfriend MEZZUZZA because she liked to be kissed?
Q:  Why were
gentiles invented?
A:  Somebody
has to pay retail.
(#586) The joker
Daniel and Hette
are out shopping in London when they come across a smart clothes shop.
Hette goes in.
While Daniel is
waiting outside, a prostitute comes up to him and says, "Would you like
to come back to my place?"
Being a bit of a
joker, Daniel decides to string her along. He replies, "How much do you
charge?"
"One hundred pounds,"
she says.
"I'll give you ten
pounds," Daniel says with a wink.
She gives him the
V sign and walks away.
Hette comes out
the shop and they continue their shopping expedition. But then they pass
the prostitute on the corner of the road. She takes one look at Hette and
says to Daniel, "You see? You see what you get for ten pounds?"
(#587) One over
the minyan
Nine male Jews are
very nice, but as we all know, ten are needed for a minyan. So when the
tenth person arrives, everyone is happy. But did you know that the eleventh
Jew is also very important? Why is this so?
When the eleventh
person enters, someone is always heard to say aloud, "Thank goodness."
The eleventh arrival
always responds, "But you had a minyan already."
To which comes the
reply, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the room and go to the
bathroom!"
(#588) The message
[My
thanks to Debbe of Boston for sending me this one]
Morris was in his
front garden mowing the lawn when his attractive blonde neighbour came
out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it then slammed
it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later,
she came out of her house again, went to her mailbox, opened it, slammed
it shut and went angrily back into the house.
A few minutes later,
she came out again, marched to her mailbox, opened it and then slammed
it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions,
Morris had to ask her, "Is something wrong, Sharon?"
"There certainly
is, Morris! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
(#589) Holiday
of a lifetime
A north London congregation
decides to honour their Rabbi for his 25 years of dedicated service by
giving him tickets and money for a week, all-expenses paid holiday to New
York.
When Rabbi Bloom
arrives and checks into his hotel room, he is surprised to find a naked
girl lying face down on his bed. Without saying a word, Rabbi Bloom picks
up the phone, calls his synagogue long distance and says, "Where is your
respect? As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
On hearing this,
the girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
Rabbi Bloom turns
to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
(#590) And they
lived happily ever after
Shlomo and Ruth
were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their long lasting and
happy marriage was the talk of the Edgware community. So it was no surprise
when a Jewish Chronicle reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret
of their successful marriage.
"Well, it dates
back to our honeymoon," explained Shlomo. "We visited the Grand Canyon
and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on mules. We hadn't gone
very far when Ruth’s mule stumbled. She looked at the mule and quietly
said 'That's once.'
"We had only proceeded
a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him
in the eyes and quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone
more than a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time,
Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack and shot the mule dead.
"I started to protest
over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said,
'That's once'."
(#591) The gift
Jeremy asks his
wife Naomi what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like
a new diamond bracelet?" he asks.
"Not really," says
Naomi.
"Well how about
a Lexus sports car?" says Jeremy.
"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday
home in the south of France?" he suggests.
She again rejects
his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would
you like for your anniversary?" Jeremy asks.
"I'd like a divorce,
Jeremy," answers Naomi.
"Oy, I wasn't planning
to spend that much!" says Jeremy.
(#592) Fathers’
sayings


Don't ask me, ask your
mother.


You didn't beat me.
I let you win.


Don't worry. It's only
blood.


Don't you know any normal
boys?


I told you, keep your
eye on the ball.


Who said life was supposed
to be fair?


If you forget, you'll
be grounded till the end of the world.


This will hurt me a
lot more than it hurts you.


Don't give me any of
your lip, young lady!


You call that noise
"music?"


We're not lost. I'm
just not sure where we are.


When I was your age,
I treated MY father with respect.


As long as you live
under my roof, you'll live by my rules.


I'll tell you why. Because
I said so. That's why!


You want something to
do? I'll give you something to do.


This is your last warning!


I'm not sleeping, I
was watching that channel.


What keeps those jeans
of yours from falling off?


I'm not just talking
to hear my own voice!


What do you think I
am, a bank?


What part of NO don't
you understand?


I don't care what other
people are doing! I'm not everybody else's father!


Didn't your teacher
learn you anything?


You can marry a rich
guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.


It's hard to be good,
and easy to be bad.


You know you're always
going to be Daddy's little girl.


I'm not watching television.
I'm resting my eyes.


Don't use that tone
with me!


Am I talking to a brick
wall?


Don't make me stop the
car!

(#593) The deal
Issy and Howard
were brothers who had lived and worked in Golders Green all their lives.
Unfortunately, nothing good could be said about them - they ran a crooked
business, they womanized, they lied and they cheated the poor. But they
were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died,
Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate to the synagogue one
hundred thousand pounds if you will say at the funeral that my brother
Issy was a mensch."
The Rabbi thought
long and hard but eventually agreed.
At the funeral,
the Rabbi told everyone present of Issy’s wrong doings. He then closed
with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"
(#594) Yiddish
Rhyming Slang


Hansel & Gretel 
-Shtetl


Holiday brochure 
-Kosher


Doris Day  
-Oi Vey


Bottle of booze 
-Schmooze


Monkey wrench 
-Mensch


Betty Boop  
-Chicken Soup


The Price Is Right 
-Gesundheit


Jonny Depp  
-Schlepp


Michael Winner 
-Shabbes Dinner


Hammer House of Horror
-Schnorrer


The Real Deal 
-Shlemiel


Foot Spa  
-Chutzpa


Fancy Dress  
-Fress


Guy The Gorilla 
-Megilla


Soup ladel  
-Kneidel


Fillet Of Fish  
-Nebbish


London Zoo  
-Nu?


Religious Cult 
-Oi Gevalt


Poetry Recital 
-Sheitel


Kenwood Mixer 
-Shiksa


Stir Fried Noodles 
-Apple Strudels

(#595) A trip to
the restaurant
Bernie walks into
his local Chinese restaurant and is very surprised to see the owner, Mister
Lee, eating gefillte fish, chopped liver and kishke.
"Mister Lee, what's
this?" says Bernie.
Lee replies, "Me
no eat Chinese CHAZELAI"
(CHAZERAI: garbage).
go to twentyfifth
set