(#1375) The visitor
One evening, Rabbi Levy is visited by
a stranger. "Yes," says the rabbi, "can I help you?"
"Life is very hard for some," says the
man. "I thought you should know about the problems facing one of your congregation."
"So tell me already," says the rabbi.
"Well," says the man, "your Mrs Goldman
owes a moneylender over £1,000 and she hasn’t got the money to pay
him back. She’s being thrown out her house this week, she’s too ill to
work and she can’t feed her children."
"It’s a terrible life, indeed," says Rabbi
Levy. "Thank you for letting me know. I’ll raise some money from the synagogue
straight away – I’ll even donate £100 of my own money.  But
tell me, my friend, are you a relative of Mrs Goldman?"
"Don’t be silly, rabbi," says the man,
"I’m the moneylender."
(#1376) Bedtime games
Benjy and Hannah are in bed watching,
‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ when Benjy turns to Hannah and says, "Do
you want to have sex?"
"No," she answers.
"Is that your final answer?" asks Benjy.
"Yes," replies Hannah.
"Then I'd like to phone a friend," says
Benjy.
(#1377) A question of flight
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay, they'd be
"bagels"
(#1378) A good sex life
Sadie and Becky are having coffee one
morning whilst discussing life in general. "So how long have you and Harold
been married, Becky?" asks Sadie.
"Next week, please God, it will be twenty-five
years," replies Becky.
"That’s a long time, Becky," says Sadie.
"How’s your sex life been all this time?"
"It’s been OK," replies Becky, "especially
the S&M."
"You’re really into S&M?" asks Sadie
with surprise.
"Oh yes," replies Becky, "Harold and I
have been into S&M for some time now – he snores and I masturbate."
(#1379) The operation results
Immediately following his expensive private
operation, Victor awakes and sees his surgeon standing near his bed. He
says to the surgeon, "Well, how did it go then?"
"Victor," replies the surgeon, "I have
some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that we were
able to save your testicles."
"Good," says Victor, "and what’s the bad
news?"
"They’re under your pillow in a plastic
bag," replies the surgeon.
(#1380) Identity problems
"Hello, have I dialled the right number
for Benjy?"
"Ahah, mit whom you vish to talk?"
"Benjamin. Is Benjamin Levy at home?"
"Vat! At dis time of the day? Mr Levy
is voiking."
"Well OK. Is his daughter Ruth at home
then?"
"Ruth is mit boyfriend."
"OK. OK. How about his son Simon? Can
I speak to him? Is he at home?"
"Simon? In de hospitel is Simon. He is
gute docketor."
"It seems that no one is in. Am I talking
to Mrs Levy?"
"Mrs Levy, she shoppink in de supermakkit."
"Well, who am I talking to, then?"
"Dis is Mildred, de au pair."
(#1381) Long lasting medicine
Sadie is 80 years old and is under the
care of Doctor Myers. One day, she phones Doctor Myers and says, "Is it
true, doctor, the medicine you’ve just prescribed for me must be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"Yes Sadie, I'm afraid it is," replies
Doctor Myers.
Sadie thought for a while then continued,
"Well then, doctor, I’m wondering just how serious is my condition."
"Why do you ask?" says Doctor Myers.
Sadie replies, "Because on the prescription
it says, ‘NO REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONS’."
(#1382) The exact present
Sam was out shopping in Brent Cross shopping
centre when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewellers. Sam notices
that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So what have you just purchased Abe?"
Sam asks.
"Well, now that you’ve asked," replies
Abe, "it’s my Rifka's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning
what she wanted for her birthday she said, ‘Oh, I don't know, dear, just
give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So what did you get her?" Sam asks.
Abe replies, smiling, "I bought her a
pack of cards."
(#1383) Its curtains for you
Becky walks into John Lewis department
store's haberdashery department and says to the sales girl, "I'd like a
pink curtain for my computer screen, please."
The sales girl is surprised by this request
and replies, "But madam, computers don't have curtains."
"Becky says, "Maybe most, but mine’s got
Windows!"
(#1384) Groan!
[My thanks to Izzy C for
the following]
Motze is a well respected 70-year-old
Israeli tour guide who still works every day. He does most of his business
with American tourists who have travelled with him before. They all seem
to love him because if you ask any of them, they would reply, ‘Motze's
tour ya sure oughta see.’
(#1385) New drugs being developed for
men
In light of the success of Viagra, chemists
are developing a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance
of men in today's society. Here are a few of them: -


DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug was given to
100 men before they went on a car trip. It caused 72 of them to stop and
ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of just
2 men.


PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental drug
were far more likely than normal to finish a household repair job before
starting on the next.


COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 out
of 100 middle-aged men given this drug noticed that their wives had a new
hairstyle. The drug is now being tested to see if its effects extend to
noticing new clothing.


BUYAGRA - After taking this drug for only
two days, married men reported an urge to buy their wives expensive jewellery
and gifts.


NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug has the effect
of making men want to turn off SKY Sport and actually converse with other
family members.


FLATULAGRA - This complex drug makes it more
pleasant to take long car trips with certain men.


FLYAGRA - This drug is showing great promise
in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).


PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial,
this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the
personal affairs of other people. Note: An accidental overdose turned three
test subjects into "special prosecutors."


LIAGRA - This drug, which causes men to be
more truthful when being asked about their affairs, will be available in
Regular, Grand Jury and Politician strength versions.

(#1386) Five pieces of advice for women
1.  It’s important that a
man helps you around the house and has a job
2.  It’s important that a man makes
you laugh
3.  It’s important to find a man
you can count on and who doesn't lie to you
4.  It’s important that a man loves
you and spoils you
5.  It’s important that these four
men don't know each other
(#1387) Bible story
Rebecca is reading a Bible story to her
young daughter Emma. "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and
flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar
of salt."
Emma asks, "What happened to the flea,
mummy?"
(#1388) Mr Grumpy
Moshe and Sadie, both in their seventies,
are driving to Birchington-on-sea when they decide to stop at a nice country
pub for a bite to eat. After finishing their meal, they get back into their
car and continue on their journey. But 15 minutes after leaving, Sadie
suddenly says, "Moshe, you’ve got to turn around and go back to the pub.
I’ve left my glasses on the table there."
"I don’t believe it," Moshe shouts angrily
at her, "you silly moo, you’ll forget your head one day."
Moshe turns the car around and starts
driving back to the pub. All the way there, he’s grumpy and makes many
snide comments like, "Your memory is getting really bad," and "Because
of you, we won’t now be able to get to Birchington in time to see the sunset." 
Even though the more he rebukes Sadie, the more agitated he becomes, he
doesn’t let up for the entire 15 minute drive back to the pub.
To Sadie’s relief, they finally arrive
back at the pub. As she gets out of the car and hurries inside to retrieve
her glasses, Moshe yells to her, "And while you're in there, Sadie, you
might as well get my hat. I left it in the cloakroom."
(#1389) Riddle
Q: Why would the average Jewish woman
rather be pretty than smart?
A: Because the average Jewish man can
see better than he can think.
(#1390) The sales pitch
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Emanuel was looking for a new job that
would best make use of his skills. So one day he tries his hand selling
second-hand cars at YINGATSH MOTORS.  Although he has no experience
in this field, he is confident that he can succeed. On his first day, he
tries to sell cars using the traditional approach by using phrases such
as, "This car has only been driven by little old Kitty Cohen to go to Brent
Cross shopping centre once a week," and "This car is almost brand new,
just like my mum’s Rosh Hashanah hat."
Emanuel uses this approach on every perspective
buyer but none believes him and he doesn’t sell a car all day. So next
day he changes his sales pitch and sells three cars.
The manager of YINGATSH is so pleased
with Emanuel that he calls him into his office and says, "Well done Manny,
what did you do to make these sales?"
"Well," replies Emanuel, smiling, "the
customers didn't believe my little old lady story so I told them the car
was previously owned by Rebecca Love-Gold, a nymphomaniac who only used
the back seat."
(#1391) Religious Quickies


A good sermon should have a good beginning
and a good ending - and they should be as close together as possible.


Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.


Photons have mass?  I didn't even know
they were Catholic.


I'm convinced that God put me here to accomplish
a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind, I don’t think
I'll ever die.


Adam said to Eve, "I'll wear the plants in
this family."


Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks
ever think about?


On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."


And on the seventh day, God said, "Let there
be Danish."

(#1392) Change of address
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
It’s Christmas 2004 and as Santa Claus
is unloading a very heavy bag of gifts he suddenly mutters, "Oy Oy Oy!"
instead of his usual "Ho Ho Ho!" He is shocked by this uncharacteristic
uttering and takes it as divine inspiration. Soon after Christmas is over,
he does some serious thinking on the matter. "Maybe Judaism is my new path?
What would it actually mean if I converted to Judaism?"
"Well, firstly," he says to himself, "as
there are only 3 million Jewish children to visit instead of 500 million
Christian children, it would lessen my workload and decrease my stress.
I was totally overworked and exhausted after this last Christmas."
"And that’s not all," Santa says to himself,
"I would have eight days of Chanukah to deliver my gifts, instead of completing
the entire lot in one night,"
He continues, "And most importantly, Jewish
homes have delicious food to offer, such as gefilte fish, chicken soup,
blintzes, knishes and the like. Gosh, my mouth is watering just thinking
of them. I’ve been so bored with the traditional milk and cookies which
always await me."
In the end, it’s an easy decision for
Santa to make. Even circumcision isn’t necessary because that was taken
care of in a freak accident involving frostbite after getting stuck in
a tight chimney many years ago. So Santa shouts aloud, "So let’s convert,
already."
He leaves his North Pole home and opens
up a new place of work in Golders Green. He fires all of those annoying
elves and replaces them with nice Jewish retirees from Hendon, Finchley
and Ilford. Then finally, he decides to legally change his name to something
more in line with his new ethnic surroundings. So beginning Chanukah 2005,
Santa Claus is to be known as The Clausenburger Rebbe.
(#1393) POEM: The night before Chanukah
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!
The kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt.
And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatkes.
When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alter kocker
was making a kvitch.
I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a shnorrer?
He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:
"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrick, on Feivush,
on Ham,
My kidneys are kvelling,
do you give a damn?"
He had a white beard
and payess to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!
A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.
He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggeneh! Get off from mein roof!"
He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"
So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kop!"
 From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!
They're screaming for presents,
and challah with shmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"
So we sat and yenta’d,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)
He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;
And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"
And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontif to all,
Veh is Mir, such a nacht!"
(#1394) Last rites
[My thanks to Catherine
DD for the following]
Sean, a Catholic, is struck by a bus on
a busy street in Hendon. He’s lying near death on the pavement and a crowd
begins to gather. Suddenly, in a painful voice, Sean shouts, "A priest.
Please somebody, get me a priest!"
Minutes drag by but no priest appears.
Then a policeman yells out, "A Priest! Please!  Isn't there a priest
here to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd steps 80 year
old Abe. "Mr. policeman," says Abe, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian.
But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Hendon Avenue
and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it
and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agrees and clears the crowd
so Abe can get through to where Sean lay. Abe kneels down, leans over the
prostrate Sean and says in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72
…"
go to sixtyfifth set