(#755) The birthday present
[My
thanks to Sylvia Suchall for the following joke]
Hyman is a very rich and successful businessman.
As it is coming up to his wife Rivka’s birthday, he decides to buy her
a really special birthday present. So he tells his chauffeur to take him
to the best art shops in New Bond Street in London. He soon finds what
he’s looking for - a beautiful Rembrandt painting and he buys it without
a moment’s hesitation.
As soon as Hyman gets back home, he opens
his front door and shouts, “Rivka, Rivka, have I got a Rembrandt for you!”
To which Rivka replies, “Efsha it will
make a skirt.”
(#756) The handyman
[My thanks to Kenneth Griffiths
for the following joke]
Lionel is out of work and, would you believe,
goes to a nearby building site to see what jobs are going.
He goes up to the foreman and says, “Do
you have any vacancies?”
The foreman replies, “What do you do?”
“I’m a handyman,” says Lionel.
“Can you do bricklaying?”
“No.”
“Can you do plumbing?”
“No.”
“Can you do carpentry?”
“No.”
“So why are you calling yourself a handyman,
then?” says the foreman.
“Because,” replies Lionel, “I live round
the corner.”
(#757) The tailor
[My thanks to Ronda Hegeman
for the following joke]
Old Avrahom was a poor tailor whose shop
was next door to an upmarket French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Avrahom would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring
while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
But one day, Avrahom was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant
for ‘enjoyment of food’. So he went to the restaurant to point out that
he had not bought anything from them.
The manager said, "You’re enjoying our
food, so you should pay us for it."
Avrahom refused to pay and the restaurant
sued him.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant
to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man
comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his.
It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve
to be recompensed for it."
The judge turns to Avrahom and said, "What
do you have to say to that?"
Avrahom didn’t say anything but stuck
his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning
of that?"
Avrahom replied, "I’m paying for the smell
of his food with the sound of my money."
(#758) Religious conference
[My thanks to Luke Petschauer
for the following joke]
At a conference on religion a priest,
a minister and a rabbi were all asked the same question, "What would you
like people to say about you after you die?"
The priest said, "I hope that people will
say that I was able to rise above the scandals that are plaguing the Catholic
Church at this time. I hope that people would say that I was able to shepherd
my flock through this crisis and help them to understand the absolute love
that God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit have for all of them as
Catholics."
The minister then said, "When I die I
hope that people will say that I saved many souls by bringing them to Christ.
I hope that I will be remembered as a caring, thoughtful man who always
spread the Word, the love of Christ and a faith everlasting in God. I hope
that my preaching and converting will be carried on in my memory and to
the glory of Christ."
Finally, the rabbi was asked, "Rabbi,
what do you hope people will say about you after you have died?"
Without pausing, the rabbi answered, "Look.
He's breathing."
(#759) Death of a dog
[My thanks to Jeffrey Stonefor
the following joke]
Benny’s dog has died and he goes to see
his rabbi. "Rabbi, I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special
blessing at my dog's grave?"
The rabbi replies, "I'm afraid it isn't
possible, Benny. In fact the rules don't really make any allowance for
animals."
Benny says, "But I'm really upset, rabbi."
"So maybe you should go to see the Reform
rabbi over the road," says the rabbi.
As Benny walks away dejectedly, he turns
to the rabbi and says, "What a shame. I was willing to donate £1,000
for such a service."
At which point the rabbi shouts, "Come
back, come back."
Benny turns round and says, "I thought
you couldn't help me."
"Ah," says the rabbi, "but you didn't
tell me your dog was Orthodox."
(#760) Quickies – Jewish husbands
Q: How many Jewish husbands does it take
to change a roll of toilet paper?
A:  We don't know - it's never happened.
Q: What do you instantly know when you
see a well-dressed Jewish husband?
A:  His wife is good at choosing
his clothes.
Husband: "I don't know why you bother to
wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it."
Wife: "So, you wear pants don't you?"
Husband: "What have you been doing with
the housekeeping money I give you?"
Wife: "So, turn sideways and look in the
mirror!"
Q: Why is it so difficult to find men who
are sensitive, caring and handsome?
A: They already have boyfriends.
(#761) Staying in
Howard came home from work one evening
and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud.
“What’s the matter, darling?” he asked
her.
“I just don’t know what to do,” said Miriam.
“Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner –
but the dog has just eaten it.”
“Don’t worry,” said Howard, “I’ll get
us another dog.”
(#762) The easy way out
Lionel and Judith had just returned home
from a party.
Judith said, “Do you realise what you
did tonight, Lionel?”
“No I don’t,” Lionel replied, “but I'll
admit I was wrong. What did I do?”
(#763) The kind man
Benjamin returned home early from an overseas
business trip and quietly let himself into his house. He crept upstairs
– and found his wife in bed with a strange man. The stranger was sprawled
naked on top of the sheets and was looking very pleased with himself.
"Rifka, how could you do this to me?"
Benjamin shouted.
"Wait, darling," said Rifka. "You know
that soft blue leather jacket I’ve been wearing recently? Well this is
the kind man who gave it to me. And that pearl and diamond gold necklace
you always like me wearing? Well this is the generous man who gave it to
me. And do you remember when you couldn't afford to buy me my own car and
I came home with an Audi? Well this is the caring man who gave it to me."
Benjamin thought about this for a few
moments, looked again at the scene before him and then said, "For goodness
sake, Rifka, don’t you know it's freezing in here. Cover him up at once.
We don’t want him to catch a cold."
(#764) The late, late call
Maurice and his wife Sadie were asleep
one night when suddenly, at 2am in the morning, the phone rang. Sadie picked
it up.
She listened to the caller then said,
"How the hell should I know. It’s 95 miles away." She then hung up.
Maurice asked, "Who was that?"
Sadie replied. "Some mad woman wanting
to know if the coast was clear."
(#765) Lost soul
Lionel was wandering around Marks &
Spencer one day looking quite worried. Then he notices a beautiful lady
doing her shopping. As she was on her own, he goes up to her and says,
"Excuse me, but I could do with your help. I've lost my wife Sadie here
in the shop. Could you please talk nicely to me for a few minutes?"
"Why would that help you?" she asks him.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful
woman, Sadie appears out of nowhere."
(#766) From you know who
Moshe goes into his local post office
to buy some stamps. As he walks up to the counter, he sees a middle-aged
man methodically sticking stamps onto a pile of pink envelopes. He was
also placing ‘I Love You’ heart-shaped stickers onto the envelopes. When
he had finished, the man took out a bottle of French perfume and sprayed
all the envelopes with it.
Moshe had to find out why, so he goes
up to the man and asks.
The man replies, "I'm sending out 100
scented Valentine cards, each one signed, 'From you know who'."
"Why so many?" Moshe asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer and business
is not so good."
(#767) The sleepers
Daniel and Naomi, who had never before
met, are travelling on the same overnight sleeper train from London to
Edinburgh. The train was packed and they end up in the same sleeping carriage.
Daniel has the top bunk and Naomi has the bottom bunk. After some initial
embarrassment, they both get to sleep.
At 1am in the morning, Daniel leans over
and says to Naomi, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I'm really very cold.
Could you please pass me another blanket?"
Naomi looks up at him and says, sexily,
"I've got a much better idea – why don’t we pretend we're married."
"Why not?" says Daniel, "that’s a marvellous
idea."
"Good," Naomi replies. "Go get your own
blanket, then."
(#768) The recordings
Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation
for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation
didn’t want to miss a single one of his words.  One Sabbath, one member
had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because
he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends
to go in his place and tape the Rabbi’s sermon. In that way, he could listen
to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation
saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends
to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things,
such as play golf or go to football.
Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles
sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi’s sermon.
The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following
Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His
friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi’s pre-recorded sermon
to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on
their own machines.
This was believed to be the first incidence
in history of "artificial insermonation."
(#769) The pick up
One afternoon, Maurice, a wealthy solicitor,
was driving his Rolls Royce when he passed two poor looking men by the
side of the road eating grass. Maurice quickly stopped his car, backed
up to the men, wound down his window and asked, "What on earth are you
two doing?"
"I’m starving, I have nowhere to live
and I don't have any money to buy food," said one of them.
"You can come with me to my house, then,"
said Maurice.
"But I’ve got a wife and three kids just
up the road."
"So we’ll bring them along, too," replied
Maurice.
"And what about my friend?"
Maurice turned to the other man and said,
"You can come with us, too."
"But, sir," said the friend, "I’ve got
a wife and six children just up the road."
"OK. So we’ll bring them as well," said
Maurice. "Now get in my car, both of you."
Soon, everyone had been picked up.
They had been travelling for only a few
minutes when one of the men said to Maurice, "You’re very kind. Thank you
for taking all of us with you."
Maurice replied, "I’m happy to be able
to do it. And you'll love my place - the grass is almost a foot tall."
(#770) The bargain
Max was in coats but unfortunately business
was very bad.
One day his partner Benjy said to him,
“What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style
and even though we’ve knocked them down to £10 each, we still can’t
sell any.”
Max replied, “Use your head, Benjy. Price
them at £20 and send all our best clients five coats each. But here’s
the plan. Put in an invoice for £80 for only four coats. If I know
them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain
and pay the £80.”
“What a terrific idea,” said Benjy. “I’ll
send them out today.”
Two week’s later, Benjy says to Max, “What
a stupid idea it was. Every one of our clients returned the parcel and
the invoice, but only sent back four coats.”
(#771) Business is business
Hetty and Hannah hadn’t seen each other
for some time when they bumped into each other in Brent Cross shopping
centre.
"So Hetty, how is your grandson, the proctologist,
doing?"
"My grandson is no longer a proctologist,
Hannah. He decided to become a dentist instead."
"A dentist! Why the change in career?"
"Business is business, Hannah," replied
Hetty, "Let's face it, everyone starts off with thirty-two teeth but have
you ever heard of anybody who has more than one tuchas?"
(#772) The conversation
The following was overheard at a recent
‘high society’ party.
"My ancestry goes back all the way to
Alexander the Great," said Christine.
She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How
far back does your family go?"
"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of
our records were lost in the flood."
(#773) The lesson
Rifka, a young mother, was teaching her
6-year-old daughter Ruth how to unbuckle her seat belt.
Ruth asked, "Do I click the red square,
mummy?"
Rifka said, "Yes, darling."
Ruth then asked, "Single click or double
click?"
(#774) The trip to Rome
Moshe and Abe were partners in a very
successful clothing factory. It had been in operation for many years and
there wasn’t much they didn’t know about the shmatta business. One day,
Moshe decided to take a trip to Rome.
As Abe had many catholic friends, he surprised
Moshe by getting him an audience with none other than the Pope.
On Moshe’s first day back at work after
his Rome trip, Abe asked him, "So, Moshe, what kind of a man is the Pope?"
Moshe replied, "I would say he's a 44
regular."
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