STOP PRESS:
There was a lovely story in the press
this month. A retired lorry driver and his wife entered a competition where
the first prize was a holiday for two in Hong Kong. They always wanted
to go there. But they got the 2nd prize of “A year of passion.” When they
received the prize, it turned out to be 365 condoms. He told a reporter,
"I couldn’t believe it. I’m 64 and I have a bad back. My wife has just
had her hip replaced. If I was a young chap, still able to do the business,
I suppose I’d be happy. But these days, I’d be lucky if I get a stiff neck."
He is now trying to sell his prize.
(#1015) Well, that’s nice
Rebecca takes her boyfriend Howard to
see her parents to allow them to ‘pass judgement’ on him.
"Hello Howard," says her father, "it’s
nice to meet you. Where do you live?"
"Near Finchley," he replies.
"Near Finchley?" interrupts Rebecca, "He’s
too modest, dad. He owns a 10 bedroom mansion with 5 acres of land in Hampstead
Garden Suburb."
"Well, that’s nice, Howard," says her
father, "so what do you do for a living?"
"Oh, I own a bit of property," he answers.
"A bit of property?" interrupts Rebecca
again, "why, Howard owns 10% of the Brent Cross shopping centre and much
of the new City Docklands development."
"Well, that’s nice, Howard," says her
father, "so what are your future prospects?"
"Oh, I’m planning to expand a bit," replies
Howard.
"Expand a bit?" interrupts Rebecca for
the third time, "why, Howard’s just about to purchase the old London Stock
Exchange tower so that he can convert it into the world’s most expensive
hotel."
"Well, that’s nice, Howard," says her
father.
Just then Howard sneezes and reaches into
his pocket for his handkerchief. Rebecca’s mother immediately asks him,
"Have you got a cold, Howard?"
Before he could answer, Rebecca says,
"A cold? Don’t be silly mum, Howard’s got full blown pneumonia."
(#1016) Compared to what?
Issy has six daughters, all married but
one – and she is not very beautiful. So one day Issy visits Rabbi Levine.
"Rabbi, I don’t know what to do about Becky. She seems to be too ugly for
the men around here to want to marry. What do you suggest I do?"
"First of all, can I ask you how ugly
Becky is?" says Rabbi Levine.
"Well, Rabbi, if she was lying on a plate
with some herrings, I don’t think she would stand out from the herrings."
"OK, " says Rabbi Levine, "what kind of
herrings are we talking about?"
Surprised by the question, Issy replies,
"Err….Bismarck herrings Rabbi."
"That’s really bad luck, then," says Rabbi
Levine, "if they were Maatjes herrings, she’d have a much better chance."
(#1017) Good news and bad
Leah phones her husband at work, "Issy,
do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time
– I’m about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won’t take long," Leah says,
"I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven’t the time," says Issy,
"so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then. The air bag on your
new Lexus works very well."
(#1018) A year in the life
As Sadie and Manny are leaving Brent Cross
shopping centre, they see their neighbour’s son Paul and his fiancée
Sharon just going in.
"Did you see that? " Sadie says.
"See what?" asks Manny, pretending not
to know what Sadie is referring to.
"Paul’s fiancée, that’s who,” Sadie
says, "She’s dressing all wrong. She’s probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts
like hers, she shouldn’t be wearing such a skimpy see-through top. And
such a tight leather skirt she’s wearing - I don’t know how she can breathe
properly. And it’s so short, it make her legs look too long. I know she’s
got a beautiful face but I don’t think blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe
me, Manny, that marriage won’t last more than 1 year."
With a deep sigh, Manny replies, "Please
God I should have such a year."
(#1019) Barmitzvah present
Avrahom is a 12year old known for his
total lack of religious study, so when his barmitzvah day arrives, Rabbi
Bloom is not about to let this go without comment. Avrahom performs his
barmitzvah as best he can with his minimal preparation and when it comes
time to receive his presents, Avrahom gets what most barmitzvah boys are
given - a daily prayer book; a set of Jewish Festivals prayer books; a
kiddush cup from the congregation’s ladies guild; an encyclopaedia - “The
History of the Jewish People from Bible Times to the Present”; and a bible
(old testament).
Rabbi Bloom then addresses the barmitzvah
boy, "My dear Avrahom. You have received today a number of treasures of
Judaism in book form that will surely enrich your life and make it holy
in the eyes of God. I also have a gift for you."
With that, Rabbi Bloom pulls out an umbrella
from behind the lectern and says to Avrahom, "I present you with this umbrella
because I want to give you something that at least I know for certain you
will open."
(#1020) A story for the chronologically
challenged
It’s Fay’s 80th birthday and she decides
to celebrate it on her own at the Savoy Hotel because they make good drinks
there. As soon as she arrives, Fay goes into the bar and orders a whiskey
with 2 drops of water.
As the barman gives her the drink, Fay
tells him, "I'm 80 years old today, you know."
The barman says, "As it's your birthday,
this drink is on me."
"Thank you," says Fay, and she quickly
finishes her drink.
Then a woman next to her says, "I’d like
to buy you a drink, too."
"Why thanks," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey
with 2 drops of water, please."
"Coming right up," says the barman. Fay
again knocks back her drink.
Then a man next to her says, "Mazeltov,
madam, may I too buy you a drink?"
"Why yes," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey
with 2 drops of water please."
As he hands her the drink, the barman
says, "Excuse me for asking but why the whiskey with only 2 drops of water?
I'm dying to know."
Fay replies, "It’s simple - when you're
my age, you know how to hold your liquor, but take it from me, water is
something altogether different!"
(#1021) The charges
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following]
Sarah and Max get married. On their wedding
night, just when Max is highly aroused, Sarah surprises him by demanding
£25 for their lovemaking. Max readily agrees.
Over the next 30 years, this scenario
is repeated each time they make love - and lovemaking is very frequent
because they are both passionate people. Max always regards the payment
as a cunning way to let Sarah buy new clothes and go regularly to the hairdressers.
One day, Sarah arrives home just after
lunch to find Max at home. He is stressed out and in tears. He tells her,
"My company’s been taken over and I’ve been made redundant. What on earth
will I do? I’m not young anymore and finding another job quickly will be
difficult."
Without saying a word, Sarah opens her
bureau and hands Max her Nationwide Building Society passbook. When he
opens it, he’s surprised to see it showing deposits plus interest over
30 years totalling nearly £1 million.  Sarah then hands him
share certificates worth nearly £2 million and says, "Darling Max.
For the last 30 years, I’ve been carefully investing my ‘£25 lovemaking
charges’ and what you see is the result of my investments. So we don’t
need to worry about money."
When he hears this, Max gets even more
distraught and agitated than before, so Sarah asks him, "Why are you so
upset at such good news, Max?"
Max replies, "Oy vay. If I had known what
you were doing, I would have given you all of my business."
(#1022) The £1M essay
The teacher says to her class, "OK, children,
I want you all to write an essay on what you would do if you won £1million
on the lottery."
At the end of the lesson, Isaac hands
in a blank piece of paper.
"Isaac," says the teacher, "why haven’t
you written anything?"
"Because if I had a million pounds, Miss,
that's exactly what I would do - nothing."
(#1023) Canine agent
One day whilst out walking in Golders
Green, Max sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale." 
He’s curious so he rings the bell. The owner tells Max the dog’s name is
Cindy. He then takes Max into the back garden where a cavalier King Charles
spaniel is just sitting there.
"Do you really talk?"  Max asks Cindy.
"Yes, of course I do," Cindy replies.
"So what can you tell me about yourself."
Cindy looks up at Max and says, "I discovered
this special gift of speech when I was young and as I’ve always wanted
to help my country, I told MI5 about it. In next to no time, they had me
flying all over the world, sitting in rooms not only with royalty and world
leaders but also with spies. No one figured a dog could be eavesdropping,
so I was their most valuable spy.  But all the jetting around really
tired me out. I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. 
So I resigned and signed up for a job at Heathrow airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious people and listening in
to their conversations. As a result, I uncovered some incredible plots
and deals and received seven doggie awards.  I had a husband and many
puppies. Now, I'm retired."
Max is amazed and asks the owner how much
he wants for Cindy.
The owner says, "£20."
Max says, "This dog is amazing. 
Why on earth are you selling her so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Because Cindy is a
liar - she didn't do any of the things she told you."
(#1024) The benefactor
Issy the millionaire goes to Synagogue
one shabbes and at the end of the service stops to shake Rabbi Levy’s hand.
"Rabbi,” says Issy, "that was a God-damned
fine sermon you gave today."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Why thank you Issy,
but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."
But Issy continues, "In fact I was so
God-damned impressed with your sermon that I’ve decided to send you £10,000
for the synagogue rebuilding fund."
Rabbi Levy replies, "No sh*t?"
(#1025) The doctor’s bill
Morris the Edgware tailor is worried because
his wife Hetty is very ill and needs a good doctor. Everyone knows that
Dr Myers is the best doctor in Edgware, so Morris rings him to say that
he would like him to treat Hetty.
Dr Myers says, “OK, but can you afford
me? What if I’m unable to save Hetty and you decide not to pay my bills?”
Morris replies, “I promise to pay you
anything, no matter whether you cure Hetty or kill her.”
So Dr Myers agrees to treat Hetty. Unfortunately,
Hetty dies soon after. When Dr Myers invoice arrives, Morris refuses to
pay, despite his promise. After much arguing, they agree to take the issue
to their Rabbi for a decision.
Dr Myers puts his side of the story to
the Rabbi. “He promised to pay me, ‘no matter whether I cured his wife
or killed her.’”
After a few minutes deliberation, the
Rabbi says, “So did you cure her?”
Dr Myers has to reply, “No.”
The Rabbi then asks, “So did you kill
her?”
“No, I certainly did not,” replied Dr
Myers.
“In that case,” says the Rabbi, “Morris
owes you nothing – you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you
agreed that your fee should be paid.”
(#1026) The paratrooper
Things were very quiet in the UK so an
English paratrooper named Mike Smith decides to join the Israeli Air Force.
During his interview, he explains that he has lots of experience and is
raring to go. He is given a parachute and told that in a few days time,
he would be jumping out over the Negev desert.
Smith asks, "What do I do if it doesn't
open, sir? Where is the reserve chute?"
The officer tells him only one is necessary,
"If you say the Shema, you’ll have nothing to worry about Smith."
Smith asks, "What is Shema?"
The officer explains and gives him a book
so that he can learn how to say it. And for the next few days, Smith practices
the Shema. On the day of his first jump with the Israeli Air Force, Smith’s
chute doesn't open, Remembering what he’s been taught, he starts to recite
the Shema as he is falling. Suddenly, an enormous hand appears out of nowhere
and catches him. He is so shocked by what is happening that he shouts out,
"Jesus Christ!"
Immediately, the hand turns over and drops
him out.
(#1027) A trip to the bakers - 1
“How much are the bagels?”
“40p for two.”
“How much for one?”
“25p”
“Then I’ll take the other one.”
(#1028) A trip to the bakers - 2
“How do you prevent your bagels being
stolen?”
“I put lox on them.”
(#1029) £35 is £35
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following]
Manny and his wife Ethel go to the Farnborough
Air Display every year. Every year, Manny says, "Ethel, I'd like to take
a ride in a plane," and every year she replies, "I know, but a ride in
a plane is expensive."
At this year’s Air Display, as Manny and
Ethel are walking past the plane ride, Manny says, "Ethel, I'm getting
old. If I don't go up in that plane today, I’ll never get another chance."
Ethel replies, "But Manny, that ride costs
£35 and £35 is £35 you know."
The pilot hears their conversation, "Hey
you two, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take you both up for a ride and
if you can both stay absolutely silent for the entire trip, I won't charge
you a thing. But if I hear just one sound, I’ll charge you £35."
Manny and Ethel talk it over and agree
to the offer. So up they go.
The pilot tries very hard to get them
to shout out in fear - he puts the plane in a series of dives; he twists
and turns the plane at speed; he even rolls the plane on its back, but
he doesn’t hear a sound from his elderly passengers.
When they land, the pilot turns to Manny
and says, "You’re very brave, I tried everything to make you shout out
aloud, but you didn't utter a word."
Manny replies, "Thanks, but to be honest,
I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but £35 is £35
you know."
(#1030) The job seeker
Stan is nearly 60 and for many years now,
he’s been regularly going to his local job centre every Tuesday. Every
time he goes, he picks up his jobseekers allowance - he’s never been known
to actually look for a job.
It’s Tuesday again. Stan walks up to the
desk and says to the clerk, "Good morning. What job do you have for me?
As you know, I never like claiming any benefits or allowances – I’m not
a sponger. I think it’s far better to look for a good job."
The clerk is surprised to hear this, but
replies, "You’re really in luck today, Stan. We’ve just received instructions
from a very wealthy man who wants a bodyguard / chauffeur for his nymphomaniac
daughter. It says here that the hours are very long, but in return, you'll
get to wear smart suits, shirts, ties and shoes, all of which will be provided
free of charge. Meals will also be provided. You will get to drive a big
Lexus when you’re not working and you’ll have to escort the young lady
on her many overseas trips. The salary package is £100,000 a year
plus expenses."
Stan says, "You're pulling my leg, aren’t
you?"
The clerk replies, "Yes, but you started
it."
(#1031) The helper
Maurice, a motivational consultant, was
just getting into his car when a lovely woman walks up to him and says,
“Can you give me a lift please?”
Maurice replies, “Of course I can. You’re
beautiful, intelligent and there’s nothing in the world you can’t do. Go
for it.”
(#1032) Strongmen
Little Isaac and his friend John were
having an argument about whose father was the strongest. John says, “Do
you know the North Sea? Well my dad’s the one who dug the hole for it.”
Isaac replies, “That’s nothing! 
Do you know the Dead Sea? Well my dad’s the one who killed it.”
(#1033) The breadwinner
One day, Becky meets her old friend Rachel
in Hendon. She asks, “So how is your son the solicitor?”
“David’s fine, thanks. Please God every
solicitor should be as busy as he is – he’s even having to turn away new
business.”
“And how’s your daughter Hannah?”
“She’s doing really fine. She’s now playing
her violin in almost every major concert hall around the world and we hardly
see her these days.”
“And what about your youngest son?”
“Oh Issy? He’s doing OK, I suppose. He’s
currently selling cheap clothing to all the street markets in central London.
Mind you, if it wasn’t for Issy, we would all be starving.”
(#1034) Problems, problems
Two doctors are having a conversation
over lunch. Simon says, “Every day, Abe, all I hear from my patients are
stories of suffering and pain. They describe their back problems, their
stomach problems and their headaches. I don’t think I can take much more.
But what about you, Abe? You always seem so calm. So tell me, how do you
cope so well listening to all these problems?”
Abe replies, “So who listens?”
go to forty-seventh
set