Things That Would Be Different If
Israel Bought Microsoft



The next version of Windows would be named Windows 99; Eh,
maybe 2000; Would you settle for Windows 2001?
Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.
All monitors running Windows would have long curly side-burns.
The Microsoft web site would be backlogged from people trying to
download the "Golda Meir Centerfold" theme pack.
Woody Allen would be made Vice President of the "Children's Software"
division.
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
would get "Verklemmt".
No changes in the legal department.
No charges in the medical department
Hannukah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".
Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
Jerry Seinfeld-CEO
The phone support department would now feel very guilty about
leaving you "on hold" for 20 minutes.
Internet Explorer would still "browse" the internet, but would be
able to negotiate faster bandwidth.
CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of
high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not
getting any younger] button.
"Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -
you're killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear
that".
Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
already"
During passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened
floppies".
Bill Gates official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man".
"Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
Microsoft Office would include "A little bit of this, and a little
bit of that".
When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I
should fix this?" message.
Error messages would become a lot funnier.
When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a
loud "Oy!!!"
"Third Party Drivers" would now be referred to as "Gentile Drivers".
"Monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would be included in
with all video games. This would get rid of the "schmootz" on
your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy" ("to
sleep", for all you non-Yiddish speaking people).
Your spell checker will now accept "Shiksa" as word.
"Windows 98 Plus" to be renamed "Windows with the Whole Schmeer".
Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
Solitaire would be replaced with online "Bingo".
Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.
Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the
upper right corner.
After your computer dies, you would need to wait 3 days before
desposing of it.
The "Microsoft Network" would be renamed to "Mahshuguna Net" or
"The Knish Knetwork".
Browser "cookies" would become "macaroons".
Microsoft wouldn't become any better at programming "sports" games,
but they would be able to handicap the games better.
There would always be a "synagogue" icon near the "network
neighborhood" icon.
56,000 bps matzahs.
Dr. Watson would become a certified Rabbi.
You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
Java scripts with some real Schmaltz.
Windows certified "100% pork free".
"Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
2 words: Virtual Spielberg
Programs that "Hava na 'run' na 'run'".
Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee is
replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)
The Vatican counters with a hostile takeover of Netscape.
New beta versions of Windows dubbed "Brooklyn", "Miami", and
"Tel Aviv".