(#181) Bagels
A German comes to London and stays with
Maurice and his family.
The first morning they all have breakfast
together and have bagels. The German exclaims "Wow we don't have bagels
like this in Germany." To which Maurice stands up and yells "And who's
fault is that?"
(#182) Can You Spare A Penny?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk
to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million
years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million
pounds to you?"
And God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked: "God.....can I have
a penny?"
And God said: "Sure.....in a minute."
(#183) Politics
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation
is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world.
Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds
a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress
one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've
got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're
nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare
war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats
a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports,
schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid.
Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister,
"that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
(#184) The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other
Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows
more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he
does, you tell him everything."
(#185) Jewish employment
"My son," says Yetta, "is a physicist."
"My son," says Sadie, "is president of
an insurance company."
"My son," says Becky, "is the head of
a law firm and president of the Law Society."
"My son," says Hannah, "is a rabbi."
"A rabbi? What kind of career is that
for a Jewish boy?"
(#186) All we ever seem to hear is Jewish
jokes so here are two gentile jokes
Patrick goes into the John Lewis Menswear
department and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It's £500."
Patrick says, "OK, I'll take it."
Sean calls his mother. "Mother, I know
you 're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come
up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
(#187) Jewish logic.
Hymie says to Bernie, “Listen, why do
we need this letter M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”
Bernie says, “But there is no M in ‘Yitzhak’!”
Hymie replies, “No, I mean what if we
insert it there?”
Bernie says, “But why do we need to insert
M in ‘Yitzhak’?”
And Hymie then says, “But that's exactly
what I'm asking you. Why do we need M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”
(#188) Jewish Mothers
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be
buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit
her twice a week.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser
say to her customer?
A: You never write, you never call and
you only visit me when you need money.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother say when
her daughter told her she was having an affair?
A: Who's doing the catering?
Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers
smoke?
A: Gefiltered.
Q: What is the most common disease transmitted
by Jewish Mothers?
A: Guilt.
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make such good
parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average pupil with a Jewish Mother.
(#189) You Never Listen
Sarah comes home from her long stay in
Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting
the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. Bette is so
thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing Sarah.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling.
Tell me all about what you were doing."
Sarah says, "Mum, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says Bette, "But how could
you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where
is he?"
"He's waiting outside while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him
in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
Sarah brings him in and to her consternation,
Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered
cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall
spear.
Bette says to Sarah, "You stupid idiot. 
I said RICH doctor!"
(#190) All In A Days Work
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging
about their children.
Freda says, "Benny graduated with a first
class honours degree from Oxford and he's now a doctor making £250,000
a year in Harley Street."
Kitty says, "Sidney graduated with a first
class honours degree from Cambridge and he's now a lawyer making half a
million pounds a year and he lives in the City."
Ethel says, "Abe never did well in school,
never went to university but he now makes one million pounds a year working
as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "So what's a
sports repairman?"
Ethel replies, "He fixes football matches,
rugby matches, cricket matches....."
(#191) Last Wish
Three hunters, Chuck, Thomas and Abe,
are on safari. Unfortunately they are captured by cannibals, who start
getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells them they can
each have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks Chuck,
an American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve
Chuck with his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief
asks Thomas, a Londoner.
"I'd like to smoke my cigar," which they
let him do.
Then the chief asks Abe, an Israeli, "What's
your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my bum."
"Be serious," says the chief.
"Please do it - you promised," says Abe.
"OK," says the chief and delivers the
requested kick. Abe then pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other
cannibals while the rest run away.
Chuck and Thomas are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place
so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they ask Abe.
Abe replies, "Are you mad? If I had done
that, the UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."
(#192) Bad Attitude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't were, to say the
least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came
to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David
put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's
extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language
and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you
every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour."
David was astounded at the bird's change
in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
(#193) The Donations
Kol Nidre was fast approaching and the
Rabbi remembered his dissatisfaction with the donations given by his congregation
last year. He wasn't confident that he could get more from them this year.
The synagogue Treasurer suggested to him that perhaps he might be able
to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?"
he asked.
"It is very simple. First you ensure all
windows are shut so that the shul is warmer than usual. Then you give your
usual sermon, but in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on
a chain and swing it in a slow arc backwards and forwards and suggest to
the congregation that they pledge 10 times more than they did last year."
So on Kol Nidre night, the Rabbi did as
suggested, and lo and behold, they pledged 10 times more than normal.
Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage
of this technique each and every year so he waited 2 years before trying
mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was
becoming mesmerised, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the
floor with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.
go to seventh set