A Bubbe's Guide to Impeachable Offenses






Checking out with more than 10 Items in the Supermarket Express Lane.

Getting caught hiding in the basement on Yom Kippur, eating a ham sandwich on white bread and washing it down with a glass of milk.

Hiding winning Mah Jongg tiles in your brassiere.

Grabbing the last four cans of the tuna that's on sale off the supermarket shelf *after* you've seen Mrs. Nussbaum from Apt. 2-B being dropped off at the store by her daughter.

Giving the cat Mrs. Nussbaum's can of tuna just for the sheer joy of it.

Deciding to go for the "Christie Brinkley" look right before your grandson's wedding, complete with blond hair and blue eyeshadow.

Throwing out four boxes of post-WWII seamed stockings just because modern pantyhose get fewer runs.

Having two glasses of Manischewitz instead of one at your grandnephews Bar Mitzvah, falling off your folding chair and having to be helped out to the car.

Melting your free collection of rain bonnets by placing them too close to the Shabbos candles.

Telling your expecting granddaughter that she has to name her baby Irving because "It's been 20 years, and no one is named after Grandpop."

Running out of Shabbos candles and rather than getting out to the store, borrowing a 10-inch one in a container with a soulful-eyed New Testament figure on it, from Mrs. Velasquez down the hall.

After your grandson's wedding, entertaining the guests at Table #20 with tales of your recent colonoscopy just as dinner is served.

Recycling last year's received Chanukah cards with a wallet-sized x-ray of your colonoscopy on the front and the greeting: "It's a REAL MIRACLE I didn't die.

Getting to the Early Bird Special twenty minutes late and insisting you were there on time.

Getting an 'OU-Glatt Kosher' stamp and using it on 'Jimmy Dean Li'l Frozen Sausages' whenever your Orthodox relatives come for brunch.