(XXX#95) Retired folk
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Whilst walking to the Brent Cross shopping
centre, Moshe passes by an old age home.  Sitting on deckchairs outside
the front door of the home are six old ladies and they are as naked as
the day they were born. Moshe thinks this is a bit unusual, but continues
on his way to the shops.
On his return, he passes the same old
age home with the same six old ladies sitting naked on deckchairs. This
time Moshe’s curiosity gets the better of him and he goes inside to talk
to the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies sitting
naked on deckchairs outside your front door?"
"Yes I do," says the manager, "they’re
retired prostitutes and they're having a garage sale."
(XXX#96) Useless
Rifka says to her friend Hetty, “My Moshe
is useless.”
“Why do you say that,” says Hetty.
“Because the way he goes about foreplay
is a total waste of time. All he manages to do is make me feel like a light
switch someone’s trying to find in the dark.”
(XXX#97) So what about it
Moshe was talking to his friend, who was
a Marketing Manager.
“Benny,” says Moshe, “what’s the difference
between marketing and advertising? I’ve always wanted to know.”
“Well,” replies Benny, “suppose you’re
at a party and you see a gorgeous lady across the room.  Well, there
are a number of things that could happen.
1. You could go over to her and say, ‘Hi,
I’m great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s DIRECT MARKETING.
2. You could give your best friend £10
so he goes over to her and says, ‘Hello, see my friend over there? He’s
great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s ADVERTISING.
3. She could come over to you and say,
‘Hello, I’ve heard you’re great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s BRAND RECOGNITION.
4. You could go over to her and get her
telephone number. Then next day you could call her and say, ‘Hello, I’m
great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s TELEMARKETING.
5. You could walk over to her, pour her
a drink and say, 'May I?' You could then reach up to straighten her hair,
at the same time brushing your groin against her leg, and say, 'Hello,
I'm great in bed, so what about it?’
That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.
6. You could talk her into going home
with your friend.
That's a SALES REP.
7. Your friend might not be able to satisfy
her and so she could then text you.
That's TECH SUPPORT.
8. You could leave the party and on your
way home realize that there are probably many beautiful women in the houses
you're passing. So you could shout out at the top of your voice, 'I'm great
in bed.'
That's JUNK MAIL.
“Thanks, now I understand,” says Moshe.
(XXX#98) Admiration
Hetty is having afternoon tea in a Hendon
cafe. On an adjacent table, Mary is also having tea. Mary leans over towards
Hetty and says, "Excuse me asking, but are you Jewish?"
"Why yes I am," replies Hetty.
"I thought so," says Mary, "you have a
Jewish holiday this week, don’t you?"
"Yes we do, it’s called Rosh Hashanah."
"Is that when you light a different coloured
candle every night?" asks Mary.
"Oh no," says Hetty, "that's Chanukah."
"Then is it the one when you’re not allowed
to eat any bread?" asks Mary.
"No, that's Passover," says Hetty, "Rosh
Hashanah is when we blow the Shofar."
"That's really nice," says Mary, "that's
what I admire about you Jewish people – you’re so good to the staff."
(XXX#99) Quickies
Q:  How do you know when a Jewish
woman has an orgasm?
A:  She drops her nail file
Q: Why do Jewish women always go for men
who are circumcised?
A: Because they find it hard to refuse
anything with 10% off.
Q: Why does a married Princess close her
eyes whilst she’s making love?
A: Because she can’t stand to see her
husband enjoying himself.
(XXX#100) What’s in a name?
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
In pharmacology, all drugs tend to have
a generic name.  For example, Tylenol is called acetamophen, Aleve
is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil is called ibuprofen.
The Israeli drug agency had been looking
for some time for a generic name for Viagra and after many months, they
settled on the generic name mycoxafloppin.
NOTE: They had also given thought to these
other generic names - mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud,
dixafix and ibepokin.
(XXX#101) All for love
Sadie is visiting her best friend Rose
one afternoon for tea and notices a lovely vase of fresh flowers in the
kitchen.
“Oh Rose,” says Sadie, “what amazing flowers.”
“Yes, they are nice, aren’t they,” said
Rose. “I get sent flowers every week.”
“So where do you get them from? Tell me,
are you having an affair?”
“Don’t be silly Sadie, of course not.
My husband sends them to me.”
“What on earth do you have to do for them?”
“Do for them?” replied Rose, “I have to
spend my life on my back with my legs in the air, that’s what.”
“Why,” asks Sadie, ”don’t you have a vase?”
(XXX#102) End of the affair
Hyman decides to take his secretary Sharon
to dinner one night, so he rings his Beckie and tells her he is going to
an important business dinner. After a good meal, Hyman drives Sharon back
to her flat and she, in turn, offers him some coffee. Soon, one thing leads
to another and they find themselves in bed. But no matter how hard he tries,
poor Hyman can’t get an erection. So shamefaced, he apologises to Sharon
and goes home.
As he quietly gets into bed next to his
snoring Beckie, Hyman’s thigh touches hers and he instantly gets an erection.
He gets back out of bed, goes into the bathroom, looks at his penis and
says, “Now I know why they call you a shmuck.”
(XXX#103) Hallucinations
One day, Moshe the psychiatrist takes
a call from a woman asking for help. She has been having hallucinations
and he makes an appointment to see her.
When Moshe sees her for the first time,
he is so smitten by her beauty that he says to her, “Please undress and
go lie down on my couch. I’ll be with you soon.”
As soon as she does what she was told,
Moshe gets onto the couch and makes love to her. As he gets off the couch,
Moshe says to her, “Well that’s my problems taken care of, now let’s hear
yours.”
(XXX#104) The shlepper
Rivkah meets her friend Leah in Brent
Cross shopping centre. “Leah, you’re looking so radiant. How come?”
Leah replies, “You won’t believe me but
on Tuesday, a handsome young man rings my doorbell and asks whether my
husband Cyril was home. I said no and he immediately shleps me upstairs
and makes love to me for one hour. On Wednesday, he again rings my doorbell
and asks whether my husband was home. I said no and once again he shleps
me upstairs and makes love to me, this time for two hours. Yesterday, he
rings my doorbell and again asks whether my husband was home. I said no
and yet again he shleps me upstairs and makes love to me, this time for
three hours.
“Oy vay,” says Rivkah, “that’s amazing.”
“Yes, it was very satisfying,” replied
Leah, “but there’s just one thing that’s puzzling me. What does this man
want with mine Cyril?”
(XXX#105) Early love
Little Yitzhak and Rivkah are only 10
years old and think they are in love. So they decide to get married. Yitzhak
bravely goes to Rivkah's father and says, "Mr Levy, me and Rivkah are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Keeping a serious face, Mr Levy replies,
"Well Yitzhak, you are 10, I believe. Where will you both live?"
Yitzhak replies, "In Rivkah's room. It's
bigger than mine so we can both fit nicely."
Still trying not to smile, Mr Levy says,
"OK then, where will you get enough money to support Rivkah? You're not
old enough to get a job."
Yitzhak replies, "Rivkah gets £8
a week pocket money and I get £7.50 a week pocket money. That's over
£65 a month and that should be enough."
Mr Levy is surprised that Yitzhak has
put so much thinking into the marriage, so he tries to come up with something
that Yitzhak won't be able to answer. He says, "Well Yitzhak, it seems
like you’ve got everything worked out. I have just one more question for
you. What will you do if you should have little ones of your own?"
Yitzhak shrugs his shoulders and replies,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
(XXX#106) Every so often
[My thanks to my son Paul
for the following joke]
The Inland Revenue sends their auditor
to a synagogue. The auditor is doing every type of check and is driving
everyone potty with his questions. Soon it’s the Rabbi’s turn. The auditor
says to the Rabbi, "I notice you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the
candle drippings?" he asks.
"A good question," says the Rabbi. "We
actually save the drippings. When we have enough, we send them back to
the candle maker and every so often they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed
that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought
he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about the boxes of matzo
you purchase?  What do you do with the matzo crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we
actually collect all the matzo crumbs. When we have enough, we send them
in a box back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free
box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard
how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with
the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Yes, here too we do not waste," replied
the Rabbi. "We actually save all the foreskins and when we have enough,
we send them to The Inland Revenue."
"To the Inland Revenue?" asked the auditor
in disbelief.
"Oh yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland
Revenue - and once a year they send us a putz like you."
(XXX#107) Man’s best friend
One day, Ethel tells Benjy, “I’ve found
myself another lover and I want a divorce.”
“Never,” says Benjy, “I don’t believe
in divorce. But I’ll tell you what you can do. If your new man is presentable,
why not bring him home to live with us?”
Ethel accepts this arrangement. Her new
lover comes to live with them and soon Ethel is pregnant.
A few years later, the four of them are
out walking when Benjy meets an old friend of his.
“Benjy. You’re looking very well,” says
his friend, “who is that lovely lady?”
“That,” replies Benjy with pride, “is
my wife.”
“And who is the young boy?”
“That’s my son Isaac,” answers Benjy.
“And who is that nice looking young man
with your wife?” asks his friend.
“Ah,” replies Benjy, “that’s my schmuck.”
(XXX#108) Competition
Leah meets Cyril at a dance. They have
a great time and end up leaving together. When they get back to his place,
Cyril shows Leah around his house. Leah notices that Cyril’s bedroom is
full of teddy bears - hundreds of them. There are cute small ones on a
shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on the next
shelf up and huge bears on the top shelf. Leah is surprised that such a
handsome and virile looking man should have such an extensive collection
of teddy bears. Nevertheless, she decides not to mention it to him. As
times goes by, his sensitive side turns her on. Soon they kiss and then
they make love.
Later, as Leah is lying there in the afterglow
of some intense love making, she says to him, smiling, "Well, Cyril, how
was it for you?"
Cyril replies, "Help yourself to any prize
from the bottom shelf."
(XXX#109) Joys of life
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Avrahom and David were such innocent young
men that on their 18th birthdays, they decide to celebrate by getting their
first ‘piece of tuches’. They make arrangements with Becky, the neighbourhood
floozy, for the following Sunday. Over the following days, the forthcoming
event begins to weigh heavily on Avrahom’s mind so he decides to confide
in his father to find out everything he should know.
His father asks him, “Do you have condoms,
Avrahom?”
Avrahom replies, “What’s a condom, dad?”
His father goes to his bedside table and
takes out a pack of three.  “Here. You take one of these and unroll
it over your putz before you put it in. Even if you don't like wearing
it, don’t take it off. It not only helps prevent children, but also, most
important of all, it prevents you from getting all those bad venereal diseases
you've heard about.”
So on Sunday morning, Avrahom meets David,
gives him a condom and explains
word for word everything his father had
told him. Then they go to Becky for their first indoctrination into the
joys of life.
A week later Avrahom asks David if he
feels like he’s caught a disease.
David replies, “No.”
Avrahom says, “Neither do I. Let’s take
the damn condom off, I have to pish.”
(XXX#110) The mumbling patient
Hyman is lying in bed in hospital with
an oxygen mask over his face. A young nurse is sponging his chest.
"Nurse," Hyman mumbles from behind his
mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the nurse replies, "I don't
know, I'm only here to sponge you."
Hyman struggles again to ask, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell.
I'm only here to sponge you."
Then the matron arrives and sees how distraught
Hyman is getting.
"Matron," Hyman mumbles, "are my testicles
black?"
Matron whips back Hyman’s blankets, pulls
down his pyjama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look
and announces, "There’s nothing wrong with your testicles."
Hyman pulls off his oxygen mask and asks
again, "Are my test results back?"
(XXX#111) Small mercies
Benny was in conversation with his friend
Victor. "So Victor, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special," replied Victor,
"I'm having Social Security Sex."
"Social Security Sex?" says Benny, "What’s
that?"
"You know, Benny, you get a little each
month, but not enough to live on."
(XXX#112) The inventors
[My thanks to BMS for the
following joke]
Chaim and Moshe come from a small European
shtetl and both go to America. Although they travel to different cities,
they decide to meet up in New York after a year.
They meet at the agreed date. Moshe comes
in rags but Chaim arrives driving a large Lexus. Moshe tells Chaim how
he spent his year. "It was terrible. I couldn’t find any work and I'm still
starving. But I see you've done really well, Chaim. Good for you."
Chaim replies, "You’re right. I invented
a cream, but as it’s patented, my invention can’t help you. The cream smells
like banana and is spread over a penis."
When they depart, they decide to meet
again in the same place one year later.
When they meet again, Chaim comes in his
Lexus but this time Moshe arrives in a chauffeured Rolls Royce with three
servants who come in a separate Rolls Royce.
"I see you've made a fortune. Good for
you, Moshe," says Chaim.
Moshe replies, "You’re right. I invented
a cream, but as it’s patented, my invention can’t help you. The cream smells
like penis and is spread over a banana."
(XXX#113) Like this
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Sarah comes skipping home from school
one day. "Mummy," she says, "we were counting today and all the other children
could only count to four, but I counted to 10. Like this - 1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10."
"Very good, dear," says her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Sarah
asks.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," replies
her mother.
The next day, Sarah comes skipping home
from school. "Mummy," she says, "we were saying the alphabet today and
all the other children could only say it to D, but I said it to G. Like
this - A, B, C, D, E, F, G."
"Very good, dear," says her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," replies
her mother.
The next day Sarah comes skipping home
from school. "Mummy," she says, "we were in gym class today and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I don’t. Like this."
And Sarah lifts her tank top to reveal a firm pair of breasts.
"Very good, dear," says her embarrassed
mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No dear, it's because you're 24."
(XXX#114) Secret of life?
Issy and Sadie are celebrating their wedding
anniversary in a small country pub. Issy leans over and says, "Do you remember,
Sadie, the first time we made love together over fifty years ago? We went
behind this pub where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Oh yes," Sadie replies, "I remember it
very well."
"So how about you and I taking a stroll
round the back and doing it again for old times sake?" says Issy.
"Oooooooh Issy, that sounds like a good
idea," she answers and off they go.
On the next table, Sam has heard this
and says to himself, "I've got to see this - two elderly people making
love against a fence." So he follows them.
Issy and Sadie walk along together, leaning
on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. When they get to the
fence, Sadie turns around and as she hangs onto the fence, Issy moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into action. They
are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for ages
with Sadie yelling, "Ohhhh God," and Issy hanging on to her for dear life.
Finally, they both collapse onto the ground.
When they recover, Issy and Sadie struggle
to their feet. Sam, still watching, thinks, "That was truly amazing, I
must ask them what their secret is."
As Issy and Sadie make their way back
past him, Sam says, "That was something else, you must have been making
love for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a
fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret" Issy replies,
"Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."
go to sixth set