(#117) Adam’s payment
After Adam was created, there he was,
all alone, in the Garden of Eden.
Of course it wasn't good for him to be
all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make
you much, much happier.
I'm going to give you a companion, a help
mate for you -- someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone
who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel
wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But
it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to
cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said
Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
(#118) The confessions
Three friends were at the bar talking,
and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit
something they have never admitted to anyone.
Okay," says Peter, "I've never told anybody
I'm a gay!"
John confesses, "I'm having an affair
with my boss's wife."
Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell
you...."
"Don't be shy," said Peter and John.
Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."
(#119) The most famous person
Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants.
One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewis’s office and
declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world."
Obviously, Martin didn't believe him and
replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you
can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I
bet you don't know Madonna."   Moishe said, "I talk to her very
often by e-mail, and what's more we've had dinner together. Now we are
friends."
Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so
he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna's house. Madonna
personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what
a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon
there.  But Martin wasn't convinced. He thought that it could just
have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President Bush?" "George!"
said Moishe. "Of course. We were friends together when I lived in USA.
We always talked by phone."
Martin almost lost his cool and decided
that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington and as
soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see
a press conference where Bush was making a speech. At the end, Bush happened
to take a look in Moishe's direction. Moishe shouted, "George! George!"
and Bush, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let's
have a talk."
Martin was bewildered – he couldn't believe
it. But his mind didn't stop working. The chances that Moishe knew everybody
in the world were billions to one. He decided to use a final test: The
Pope. Moishe couldn't know the Pope. But Moishe said he knew the Pope when
he lived in Poland. So they flew to the Vatican. There, in the middle of
thousands of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his
lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms
and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there,
looking for Martin and he saw the exact moment when Martin fainted. The
Pope blessed Moishe, Moishe kissed the Pope's staff and ran to where Martin
was lying.
When Martin woke up, Moishe asked what
had happened. Martin, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and
finally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Bush. Even the
Pope I have accepted! But I couldn't stand it anymore when here, in the
middle of the crowd, a random person asked me "Who is this guy dressed
all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?"
(#120) The designer
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical
engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools,
and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation
as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start
his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President
of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company
to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously
excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into
building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific
on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster
struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the
fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned
the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the
wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask
God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and asked
him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder
and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to
do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets
the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall
off."
Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for
his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realised he
had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do.
On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly
above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next
test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell
the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never
doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes
would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old
man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many,
many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah
broken on the perforation!"
(#121) The slalom
As you may know, in a slalom race the
skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible.
Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world,
and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd
waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38
seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds,
and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The
crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer
when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which
of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
(#122) The Indian holiday
Becky, an elderly Jewish lady from London,
goes to her travel agent and says, "I want to go to India."
"Why India? It's filthy, very hot, and
it's filled to the brim with Indians. It's a long journey, and those trains,
how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for
you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables.
You'll get sick - hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows.
What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why
torture yourself?"
"I want to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and
off she goes. Becky arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell
and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-
ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells
her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the
guru.
"That's okay."
Eventually Becky reaches the hallowed
portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. She
is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready
to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches
the holy of holies, Becky is once again reminded, "Remember, just three
words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not
prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her
arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sidney, come home."
(#123) The confession
Hymie enters a Catholic church and confronts
the priest. "I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married
for 64 years. Last week I had crazy, joyous sex with a 27-year-old super-model."
The priest is aghast. "Why don't you go
to confession, old man?"
Hymie replies, "Why should a Jewish man
such as myself go to confession?"
The priest is confused. "If you're Jewish,
why then are you telling me this story?"
Hymie replies, "I'm telling everyone!"
(#124) Jewish Quickies
Q: Why do Jewish men die before their
wives?
A: They want to.
Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much.
A: Because they are worth it.
Q: Why don’t Jews drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering.
Moshe, an old man, was hit by a car. Whilst
waiting for an ambulance, a policeman tucked a blanket under Moshe's head
and asked, “Are you comfortable?”
Moshe replied, “I make a nice living.”
(#125) Actual ads from the Israeli Press
I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea,
chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So
where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard,
payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!
Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage.
No personality.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush
after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for
your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again?
(I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome,
virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you
can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain
climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who
got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend
shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
(#126) The son-in-law
Issy goes to meet his new son-in-law to
be, Benjy.
He says to Benjy, "So nu, tell me Benjy
my boy, what do you do?"
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Benjy, you are going to marry my
daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah
and it says God will provide."
"But you will have children, how will
you educate them?" asks Issy.
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah
and it says God will provide."
When Issy returns home, his wife anxiously
asks him what Benjy is like.
"Well," says Issy, "he's a lovely boy.
I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
(#127) Home, sweet home
Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly
Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him
to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought
him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However,
once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a
few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.
He called upon his sons and said: "Quickly,
take me back to Edgware."
The sons were somehow disappointed and
asked: "Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and
be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered Maurice, to die it's OK
but to live here....!?"
(#128) How he got his job
David has done well for himself and is
Mayor of a small town in Israel.
One day, David and his wife Andrea are
walking past a construction site. Suddenly, one of the construction workers
stops and calls out
"What's new, Andrea?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi,"
Andrea replies. She turns to introduce David to the construction worker,
and they speak for several minutes.
After David and Andrea continue on, he
turns to her and asks how she knows Avi.
"Oh," Andrea said. "We went to the same
high school. I even thought about marrying him."
David began to laugh. "You don't realise
how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife
of a construction worker!"
Andrea replied without hesitation, "Not
really. If I had married him, he'd now be a Mayor!"
(#129) What's in a name?
Sam is a nice young man who has fallen
in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the
father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the
girl's name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name
and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl.
Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with
a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another
girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the
girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me
very happy because it's a real good Jewish name, and from a good established
family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name
one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."
(#130) The waiter
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful
Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish.
A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them
if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin
and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect
Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager,
an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter
learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over
to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching
him English."
(#131) Tickets, anyone?
Yitzhak and Freda go out to see Fiddler
on the Roof on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year.
Somehow, they've been lucky and manage
to get best seats in the front row. But they notice that there's an empty
seat in the row behind them. When intermission comes and no one has sat
in that seat, Freda turns to the woman sitting next to the empty seat and
asks, "Pardon me, but as this is such a sold out show and in such demand,
we were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That's my late husband's
seat."
Freda is horrified and apologises for
being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything,
this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend
or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They're
all at the shiva."
(#132) The Jewish Olympics
If you read through the list of the events
taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah
Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of
particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, include: -
(1)Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault
competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting
the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered
a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy,"
such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or,
the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
(2)Synchronized Swimming: Taking place
in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what
do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
(3)Synchronized Tanning: Following the
Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe.
Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application
of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum.
Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher
SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
(4)Team Handball: The goal here is simple:
to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of
matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to
the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will
be used in the shot put competition.
(5)Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will
involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must
cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating
this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If
the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified,
but will still be required to run the marathon.
(6)Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes,
the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches
of the chanukiah.
(7)Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper
that balances the Chairman’s wife’s bank account in the shortest amount
of time will be declared winner.
(8)Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl
must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is
the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
(9)Rings: No longer part of men's gymnastics,
this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks
on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three
C's," colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the
"three S's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.
(#133) The Jewish dog
Nathan walks into his shul with a dog.
The shammas comes up to him and says,
"Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says Nathan, "this
is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees
that this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
Sammy," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas,
"absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get
him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million pounds!!"
"You speak to him," says Nathan, "he wants
to be a marketing manager."
(#134) The big squeeze
The local pub was so sure that its barman
was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1,000
bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass
and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weight lifters, rowers, wrestlers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day Hyman, a scrawny little man, came
into the bar wearing thick glasses and a cheap jacket.
Hyman went up to the barman and said in
a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the
barman said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to Hyman. But the laughter turned to silence as Hyman
clenched his fist around the lemon and four more drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman paid
the £1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a professional
strong man, or what?"
Hyman replied, "No. I’m not, I work for
the Jewish National Fund."
(#135) Flying High
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple,
are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly,
over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning,
and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news
is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate
our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted -
I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never
be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if
not for the rest of our lives."
Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine,
dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies
paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge  for
the Kol Nidre appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"
(#136) Going For A Drive
Sam was driving down the road and gets
pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, "Your
wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, "Thank goodness  - 
I'd thought I'd gone deaf."
(#137) Hello
- Hello, that's you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe...
- It doesn't sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You're positive it's Abe?
- Absolutely.
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you
lend me feefty punds?
- Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you
called...
(#138) The rowing crew
Yeshiva University in Golders Green decided
to put together a rowing team.
Unfortunately, they lost race after race.
They practised for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better
than dead last. The Head of the Yeshiva finally decided he couldn't stand
any more embarrassment so he sent Yankel to spy on the Oxford University
team.
So Yankel shlepped off to Oxford and hid
in the bullrushes off the river  from where he carefully watched the
Oxford team as they practised.
Yankel finally returned to the Yeshiva.
"I have figured out their secret," he
announced.
"They have eight guys rowing and only
one guy shouting."
(#139) Two little boys talking
“I'm getting operated on tomorrow”
“Oh? What are they going to do?”
“Circumcise me!”
“I had that done when I was just a few
days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“I couldn't walk for a year.”
(#140) Madame Freda
For months, Leah had been nagging her
husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and
she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to
them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril,
for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next
seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table,
holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance,
was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that
with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril's zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat
and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your
Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other world?"
"Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your bubba.
We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord."
Cyril asks his zaida many questions and
his zaida answers each, until -
"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels
are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn
to speak English?"
(#141) Sir Chicken Matthews
A Sunday League Jewish football team is
desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced
to play a kosher chicken in their team.
Rather surprisingly, the chicken has a
brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next
its threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very
pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the
way back, the referee starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really
fit".
"Thanks," said the chicken, "I try to
keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour
in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the referee.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the
chicken. At which point the referee immediately brandishes the red card
and sends the chicken off. The concerned team-mates gather round the ref.
and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref.,...... "I
had no choice - Professional Fowl"
(#142) The Doctor
Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check
up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some
bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he
replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't
afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you
a year to live."
(#143) Giving to charity
Leah gives 50p to her daughter Sarah.
The little girl goes outside and returns 10 minutes later without the coin.
Wondering what she had done with the money, Leah asks, "Where is the 50p
I gave you, darling?"
"I gave it to an old lady." says Sarah.
"Oh you sweet girl. I am so proud. Tomorrow
you will have £1."
The next day, true to her word, Leah gives
Sarah a whole pound. Off Sarah goes outside and returns later without the
coin.
"What did you do with the £1?"
"Oh, today I saw the same old woman,"
begins Sarah as her mother beemed at her, "and I bought a bigger ice cream."
 
go to fifth set