The Online Book of Genesis


IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
(To justify G-d's ways to the 21st century.)


In the beginning there was the computer. And G-d said

:Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

:Hashem

#Enter password.

:Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

:Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

:Technocrat

#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

:Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

:Create light

#Done

:Run heaven and earth

#And G-d created Day and Night. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

:Create firmament

#Done.

:Run firmament

#And G-d divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

:Create dry_land

#Done.

:Run firmament

#And G-d divided the waters. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

#Unspecified type. Try again.

:Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

:Run sun_moon_stars

#And G-d divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

:Create fish

#Done

:Create fowl

#Done

:Run fish, fowl

#And G-d created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.

#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

:Create cattle

#Done

:Create creepy_things

#Done

:Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

:Create man

#Done

:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

#Too many command operands. Try again.

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

:Insert breath

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

:Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

:Create Garden.edn

#Done

:Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

:Copy woman from man

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

:Insert woman into man

#Illegal parameters. Try again.

:Insert man into woman

#Done

:Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

:Create desire

#Done

:Run multiplication

#And G-d saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create freewill

#Done

:Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

:Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

:Create good, evil

#Done

:Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors.

:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

:Delete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has en activated.

:Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again

:Break
:Break
:Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

:Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.

:Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

:Destroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.