****STOP PRESS*****
Here is a good singles advert which, it
is said, appeared in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping
and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me
respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing
only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and
ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking
to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so gullible.
PS Do you know that the word ‘gullible’
doesn’t appear in every English dictionary? Do  you have one of the
rare dictionaries that include this word?
****END OF STOP PRESS*****
(#855) The cats away
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Moshe was recovering in hospital from
prostate surgery. To make matters worse, his surgeon had told him that
it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active again. Peter visited
him to wish him well.  Robert visited him to wish him a speedy recovery.
His partner Abe visited his wife.
(#856) Who needs friends?
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
Rabbi Bloom was having trouble getting
a minyan together. Several families with strong anti-war views had recently
left his synagogue and taken up the Quaker faith.
"It can't be helped," Rabbi Bloom lamented. 
"It seems some of my best Jews are Friends."
(#857) The Queen’s English
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
Abe ran a thriving business and was very
wealthy. Many of his customers were gentiles and he was therefore proud
of his success. But he was worried about his teenage son, Issy, the heir
to his business. Issy often used Yiddish words and phrases, some of them
vulgar, in front of customers and greatly upset them. For weeks Abe struggled
with his problem. He was a widower and knew of no classy woman he felt
could help. At last, the answer came to him. It was the perfect solution.
Abe went to see Father Brown, the local
Catholic priest and a highly educated cleric whose command of English was
flawless. As the church was having financial problems, Abe offered Father
Brown £25,000 if the priest would agree to take Issy under his wing
for a week and teach the boy to speak English the way he did. So, protesting
loudly every step of the way, Issy went to board with the eloquent priest.
A day passed, then two, but Abe heard
nothing.  Finally, on the third day, he couldn’t stand the suspense
and he called the church. Father Brown answered the phone himself. Hoping
for a miracle, but far from convinced, Abe asked how Issy was getting on.
"Oy," replied the priest, "let me tell
you, the first few days with Issy were hell. He called me 'meshuggeh,'
he said my cassock was an ugly 'shmatta', and he never stopped complaining
about my 'kvetching.'"
Father Brown sighed audibly. "Nu, but
don't despair, Mr Goldberg. I haven't given up. And after all, won't any
improvement be better than 'bupkes'?"
(#858) The fly and the raisin
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and
confronted Moishe.
"Do you know what happened to me?" he
demanded.  "I found a fly in the raisin bread I bought from you yesterday."
Moishe gave a palms-up shrug and replied,
"Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."
(#859) Shush
[My thanks to Ian Macausland-berg
for the following joke]
Rabbi Landau was, as usual, standing near
the synagogue exit shaking hands as his congregation left. But as Max was
leaving, Rabbi Landau grabbed his hand, pulled him aside and said, "Max,
I think you need to join the Army of God!"
"But I'm already in God’s Army, Rabbi,"
said Max.
"So how come I don't see in shul except
on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" said Rabbi Landau.
Max whispered, "I'm in the secret service."
(#860) The prisoner
[My thanks to David Levin
for the following joke]
Solly is serving time in Wandsworth prison
for a securities fraud. Even so, he is still loved by his father Maurice.
One day, Maurice writes Solly a letter: -
“My darling Solly,
It looks like I won't be able to plant
anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging
without your help. Looking forward to your early release.
Love from your Dad”
Solly replies: -
“Dearest Dad
Please don't dig up the garden - that's
where I hid the money and the securities. Be patient. Wait until I get
out.
Love as always Solly”
At 4am in the morning, the police show up
at Maurice’s house and dig up the entire garden.  Two days later,
Maurice receives another letter from Solly: -
“Dearest Dad,
Now the garden has been dug over, you
can start to plant your garden. It’s the best I could do from here.
Your devoted son Solly”
(#861) They found out
Avrahom has done very well in business
and is now very rich. One day, to show off his new Bentley Continental
car, he tells his driver to take him to the exclusive ‘Neasden Golf Club’.
But when they get there, a sign over the door clearly states that Jews
are not permitted access.
Undeterred, Avrahom says to his driver,
"Wait here for me."
His driver replies, "But sir, the sign
– they’ll kick you out immediately."
"But I don't have to tell them I’m Jewish,"
says Avrahom, as he walks to the gate.
So his driver waits. One hour goes by,
then two and soon three. Then, after three and a half hours, Avrahom is
thrown out by two tough looking security guards.
His driver asks, "So what happened, sir?"
"Everything was OK until we got to the
eighth hole," replies Avrahom. "I sliced my drive and the ball dropped
into the lake. I shouted out, 'Oh, my God, what shall I do now?' and then
the waters separated …….and everybody knew."
(#862) Identity crisis
Isaac was sitting at a table in his favourite
restaurant when he called over his waiter.
"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered
from?" asked Isaac.
"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
"Because I was expecting a much older
man by now," replied Isaac.
(#863) Enigma
If Mona Lisa's mother were Jewish, she'd
have said, "Mona, bubeleh, after all the money your father and I spent
on your brace, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
(#864) Old Jewish proverb
"A Jewish wife will forgive and forget,
but she'll never forget what she forgave."
(#865) My son the surgeon
Abe was 75 years old and had a medical
problem that needed complicated surgery. Because his son Jacob was a renowned
surgeon, Abe insisted that Jacob perform the operation. On the day of his
operation, as he lay on the operating table waiting for the anaesthetic,
Abe asked to speak to his son.
"Yes dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, Jacob, do your best
and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if God forbid something should
happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
(#866) What’s the time?
Benjy was showing off again. He says to
Shlomo, "I’ve just bought the best hearing aid money can buy. It cost me
£3,000, but it’s state of the art so it’s worth every penny."
"What kind is it?" asks Shlomo.
"A quarter to twelve," replied Benjy.
(#867) The visitors
Peter and Patrick are visiting Stamford
Hill for the first time when they come across two Jewish men wearing long
black coats, wide brimmed hats, with long beards and payess (ear locks).
Patrick turns to Peter, who is an educated gentleman, and says, "What are
they?"
Peter replies, "Hassidim."
Patrick responds, "I see them, too, but
what are they?"
(#868) Jewish wish of friendship
May you be granted every wish; and always
have gefilte fish.
May you stay safe from winds and hails;
and always shop at Bloomingdale's.
May you always understand every detail;
and never have to pay retail.
May you regard every man as your brother;
and always remember to call your mother.
(#869) Isn’t faith wonderful
One sunny Sabbath afternoon in Golders
Green, Shlomo and Issy, two old friends, meet for the first time in years.
After exchanging the usual amenities, they sit down on a bench to talk.
Shlomo says, "Issy, people are telling
me you don’t go to shul any more. Can it be true that you no longer believe
in God?"
Issy looks uncomfortable and hurriedly
changes the subject.
The next afternoon, they meet on the bench
again.
"You must tell me, Issy, " Shlomo says,
"Don’t you believe in our God anymore?"
Issy replies, "Here is a straight answer
to a straight question. No, I don’t."
Shlomo asks, "Why didn’t you tell me that
yesterday?"
Issy, deeply shocked, exclaims, "God forbid
- on Sabbath?"
(#870) Personal help
One day, Sadie visits a golf driving range
to practice before an important game. As she is about to drive her first
ball, she notices the man next to her.
"Excuse me," she says, "You’re facing
the wrong direction."
"Oy Vay. Tenks for dat. Vitout you, I
vouldn't have known. I'm blind, you know."
He then turns around and starts hitting
out into the range.
A few minutes later, he says to Sadie,
"How am I doing?"
"Not bad," she replies, "most of your
shots were straight and long, but you sliced a few."
"Tenks again," he replies, "Vitout you
telling me, I vouldn't know dees tings."
A few shots later, he asks, "Do you mind
I should ask a poissonal qvestion?"
"No," Sadie replies, "fire away."
"I don't seem to do vell vit de ladies.
Am I ugly or fett?"
"You're quite presentable," says Sadie,
smiling, "that shouldn’t be a problem."
Smiling, he says, "Vat a relief. I vas
always afraid to ask that qvestion."
As he was about to hit another ball, Sadie
interrupts him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks.
"Vit gladness. I vill tek all de help
you hev got," he replies.
"Lose the Jewish accent, " Sadie says,
"you're Chinese."
(#871) One for the women
When Sarah sees an advert in the Jewish
Chronicle,
REBECCA AND CO LTD, HIGH QUALITY DECORATORS
AND GARDENERS
she contacts Rebecca for a quote to repaint
the interior of her house.
Rebecca arrives and Sarah walks her through
her home explaining what colours she wants for each room.
In the first room, Sarah says, "I would
like this room painted in cream."
Rebecca writes it down, walks to the window,
opens it and yells out, "Green side up." She closes the window and follows
Sarah to the second room.
Sarah is confused, but continues, "I would
like an off blue colour for this room."
Again, Rebecca writes it down, opens the
window and yells out, " Green side up."
This baffles Sarah, but she is hesitant
to say anything.
In the third room, Sarah says, "I would
like this room painted a rose colour.
And once more, Rebecca opens the window
and yells, " Green side up."
Sarah musters up courage and asks, "Why
do you keep shouting 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you
the colour I would like the room?"
Rebecca replies, "Because I have a team
of Jewish men laying new turf across the road."
(#872) The arrival
As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion
airport, the voice of the Captain came over the tannoy.
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt
fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt
signs have been turned off. To those of you standing in the aisles, we
wish you a Happy Chanukah. To those who have remained in their seats, we
wish you a Merry Christmas."
(#873) I'm a senior citizen


I’m the life and soul of the party - even
if it lasts until 8 pm.


I'm very good at opening childproof caps -
with a hammer.


I'm usually interested in going home - before
I get to where I was going.


I'm awake many hours before my body allows
me to get up.


I'm smiling all the time - because I can't
hear a thing you're saying.


I'm very good at telling stories - over and
over and over and over.


I'm aware that other people's grandchildren
are not as cute as mine are.


I'm not grouchy - I just don't like traffic,
queuing, crowds, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, and a few other
things I can't remember.


I'm sure that everything I can't find is in
a secure place.


I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy - and that's just
my right leg.


I'm having trouble remembering simple words
like . . .like…

I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I’m having
the time of my life. If I could remember who sent this to me, I would send
it to others. Have I already sent this to you?
(#874) Mixed up
Hyman is 25 and leads the most over-examined
life you can imagine. Each day, he spends his time thinking about those
he met that day, worrying about everything said to him, wondering about
every look, gesture and expression made, and hoping he came across OK.
Even when he goes to bed, he has to write at least two pages in his diary
about his conclusions and how he will improve his actions the following
day to make people like him more.
One day, Hyman goes to Max, one of his
few friends, in a very agitated state.  “What’s wrong?” asks Max.
“Well,” replied Hyman, “my father and
I never had much of a relationship whilst I was growing up. He’s always
ignored me and he’s never encouraged me to succeed. I’ve been trying to
get him to talk to me for some time now, but without success. Then last
night, out of the blue, he rings me and invites me out to dinner. I was
gob smacked. I tried to work out - why now, why dinner, why ….”
“But did you go?” said Max.
“Yes, but during dinner, I said the wrong
thing. It was just a slip of the tongue really and I didn’t mean it the
way it sounded.”
“Well, so what did you say?” asked Max.
Hyman replies, “I meant to say, ‘please
pass the salt’, but it came out as, ‘you miserable old sod, you’ve ruined
my life’.”
go to thirtynineth
set