Local Jew Feels Left Out of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy
from The Onion


SOUTHFIELD, MI--It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like
their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered
in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery
and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.


"For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the worldwide Jewish
conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer programmer. "And I can't say it
doesn't hurt."


While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of dollars of
international currency and brokering multi million-dollar entertainment deals, on this
quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a frozen pizza and watching ER, far removed
from any money beyond the $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech
Industries.


"Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now and then?" he
said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd love to be able to sneak
around behind the scenes like the Elders of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the
real power in society. But I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A.
triangle, I just wasn't one of the chosen people."


Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds no sway over
the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street banking community or the
Trilateral Commission, and has never run a major Hollywood studio.


In fact, Nussbaum doesn't even own so much as his own production company.
"Spielberg, Geffen, Ovitz, Eisner, Katzenberg--those are the Jews who control
Hollywood," Nussbaum said. "And there's countless other Jews calling the shots at
every level of the entertainment industry, from agents to producers to directors. But
me? I probably couldn't even get the studio backing for a $15 to $20 million romantic
comedy with a mid-level star like Matthew Broderick."



And despite being a regular subscriber to The New York Times for seven years,
Nussbaum has no powerful connections among the Jews who own that and every other
newspaper in the United States.


"As a left-leaning Jew, I should enjoy vast influence over the press. I
should be able use the papers and television stations I own to forward my biased,
liberal Jewish agenda and get Israel-supporting Democratic candidates elected to
Congress," said Nussbaum, sitting on the old futon he uses as a couch. "But somehow,
that's just not the case."


Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain admittance
into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the Masons. "They turned down my
application," he said, sighing deeply, "when they found out I was Jewish. I guess for
now I'll just have to resign myself to being Seth Nussbaum, computer programmer and
powerless Jew."