Marrying into a Jewish Family

from Jewish As a Second Language by Molly Katz




If you are an aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there
are certain things you must know to survive. Take this quiz to see if
you've learned enough to function in your new Jewish family:

1. There are no Jews living in
a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To Make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations:
a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation
and where they'll spend the next

5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
a. up on the newest styles
b. entitled to free haircuts
c. not Jewish

6. Wilderness means
a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup

7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

8. Jews never drive
a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers

9. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
a. Easter lilies
b. a crucifix
c. a Zippo lighter

10. A Jewish skydiver is
a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition

11. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set

12. Jews never sing
a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar


13. Jews are ambivalent about
a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. absolutely nothing



Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer,
2 for each "b",
3 for each"c".

39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied
your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness
plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida
or New York. They'll adore you.

29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to
do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're
used to.

17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce
and buying a Denny's franchise.