(#596) The mind
reader
(My thanks to Hilary
from Melbourne, Australia for the following joke)
Sadie, an elderly
lady, is sitting at home one day when her phone rings.
She picks it up
and says, “Hello.”
A male voice says,
“Hello. I can tell from your voice that you would love me to come round
to your house, take off your blouse, bra and panties, throw you onto your
bed and make mad passionate love to you.”
Sadie replies, “From
one ‘hello’ you can tell all this?”
(#597) The operation
"I've had it with
my wife." said Moishe to his friend Sam. "I'm filing for divorce."
"Sorry to hear that
Moishe." said Sam. "May I ask why?"
"I found her supply
of birth control pills." said Moishe.
"So what, Moishe?
How can you leave her just for that? My wife also has her supply of pills."
"It’s not just that,"
said Moishe. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."
(#598) Visit to
the chemist
(My thanks to Charles
K. for the following joke)
Moshe, 85 years
old and recently arrived in the UK from Russia, is walking down Golders
Green Road one day when he sees his cousin Max coming towards him. 
Max is smoking a cigarette using a cigarette holder. As Moshe had never
seen such a thing before, he asks, “Vats duss, Max?”
“Dots a protector,
Moshe,” replies Max. “It protects mine clothing from di eshes and mine
beard from di flame.”
Moshe says, “I gotta
hev one a dem, too. Where you geddit?”
Max replies, “I
got it from a chemist.”
So Moshe shuffles
down the road till he comes to a chemist. He goes up to the assistant and
says, “So gimme a protector.”
The assistant looks
at the little wizened old man and decides to have some fun with him. “So
what size do you want, mister?”
Moshe shrugs his
shoulders and replies, “Size? It should fit a cemel”
(#599) Really?
Sadie takes her
16-year-old daughter to see Doctor Myers. The doctor says, "Okay, what's
the problem?"
Sadie says, "It's
my daughter, Sarah. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on
weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives
Sarah a good examination, then turns to Sadie and says, "Well, I don't
know how to tell you this, but your Sarah is pregnant - about 4 months
would be my guess."
Sadie says, "Pregnant?
She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you,
Sarah?"
"No mother. I've
never even kissed a man."
Doctor Myers walked
over to the window and just stared out of it. 5 minutes pass and finally
Sadie says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
Doctor Myers replies,
"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened,
a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I certainly
don’t want to miss it."
(#600) The visitor
Moishe and Sadie,
hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy
when his wife went to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working
at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his Shabbat
sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie
standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except
for a small frilly white apron.
"Do you want to
play games?" Sadie asked, "I'll be Caron, the French maid."
"Wonderful, wonderful,"
the Rabbi said, "come right in and take off your coat."
He looked Sadie
over and said, "OK, let's play. You're the maid and I'm the housewife.
I'm going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I’m
gone, you're going to start in the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery
and don't mix up the silverware. OK?"
(#601) Very careful
studies
Last year, as some
German scientists were digging 150 feet under the ground, they were surprised
to discover small pieces of copper. They studied the copper pieces very
carefully and came to the conclusion that 25,000 years ago, there was a
nationwide telephone network in ancient Germany. They reported this in
scientific journals, world-wide.
When British scientists
heard the German announcement, they were just not impressed. They immediately
embarked on a project to dig even deeper. When they had dug down to 300
feet, they found small pieces of glass. They studied the glass pieces very
carefully and came to the conclusion that 35,000 years ago, there was a
nationwide fibre optic network in use by the ancient Brits.
Israeli scientists
were enraged when they learned of the German and British claims. They decided
to dig 150 feet, 300 feet and 600 feet under the ground in Jerusalem. But
unfortunately, they found nothing whatsoever. Nevertheless, they came to
the conclusion that 55,000 years ago, the ancient Israelites had cellular
telephones.
(#602) The check-up
Maurice was 70 years
old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few
questions.
"Mr Levy, what about
urination? Do you have any problems?"
Maurice replies,
"No doctor, it’s very regular, every morning at precisely 7am."
"And what about
your bowel movements?"
Maurice replies,
"They’re fine also doctor, every morning at precisely 8am."
The doctor asks,
"So then why did you come to see me, Mr Levy?"
Maurice replies,
"Oy, doctor, I don’t wake up before 10am."
(#603) The argument
Abe, David and Bernard
were not only best of friends but also the top doctors in the neighbourhood.
One day, they were out walking in Golders Green when they saw this little
old Jewish man walking rather strangely. He's hunched over on one side,
he’s dragging his right leg and he has his left hand on his lower back.
Abe says, "It's
peritonitis."
David says, "It's
an orthopaedic problem, with flat arches and a touch of chondromalacia
patellae."
Bernard says, "It's
a nerve irritation at the level of L5."
They argue a bit
and then decide to go over and ask the old man what his problem is. So
they do just that.
The man replies,
"Nein. ICH HOB GEVOLT GEBBEN A FURZT HOB ICH INGEMACHT IN DER HOYSEN"
(You're all wrong.
I thought I was about to fart when I made in my pants instead)
(#604) The visit
to the chemist
One day, the elderly
Moshe decided to go to his local chemist and ask the pharmacist for some
Viagra.
The pharmacist said,
"Certainly sir, how many pills do you want?"
Moshe answered,
"I don’t want many, maybe half a dozen at most. But please, can you cut
each one into 4 pieces?"
The pharmacist said,
"one quarter of a pill won't do you any good, sir."
Moshe replies, "That's
OK. I don't need the pills for sex. I am 75 years old. I just want them
to help me to stop peeing on my shoes."
(#605) Adam &
Eve
Adam and Eve had
an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to
hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear
about how well Adam’s mother cooked.
(#606) The 7 fridges
It might not be
known by many outside of Israel but new immigrants can bring in normal
household items duty free, but anything that looks like it could be resold
in Israel is supposed to be subject to Israeli import duty.
Moshe Cohen, a new
immigrant, arrived at the Port of Haifa to claim his household goods, which
had just been landed by ship. However, when he turned up, he was immediately
called into the Port offices because the excise officer had noticed on
the manifest that Moshe had brought in seven refrigerators.
"Mr Cohen," said
the officer, "one refrigerator is allowed duty free, but certainly not
seven of them."
Moshe replied, "But
I'm very frum. I need one refrigerator just for meat, one just for dairy,
and one just for parve."
"OK," said the officer,
"that makes three, but what about the other four?"
"It’s obvious,"
replied Moshe, "I need three for most of the year and another three, for
meat, dairy and parve, for Pesach."
"That only makes
six," replied the officer," What's the seventh one for?"
"So nu," replied
Moshe, "What if I want to eat traif once in a while?"
(#607) The tramp
Shlomo was walking
down Hendon High Street one day when a filthy looking and smelly tramp
came up to him and asked, “Could you spare one pound, please mister?”
Shlomo replied,
"Will you buy alcohol with it?"
The tramp answered,
"No, certainly not. I don’t drink."
Shlomo then asked,
"Will you gamble it away?"
The tramp again
replied, "No, I don’t gamble."
So Shlomo said to
the tramp, "OK, I’ll give you your pound, but first of all you have to
come home with me so my wife Becky can see what happens to a man who doesn't
drink or gamble?"
(#608) The message
Jacob was an uneducated
but hard-working immigrant who wanted a better future for his only son,
David. He scrimped and saved for David’s school education. In return, David
worked hard and got accepted at a small school far from home.
Every month, David
received a cheque from his father for his living expenses and every month,
the cheque was attached to a piece of paper with the letters 'FUF' written
on it. It regularly puzzled David, but he cashed the cheques anyway and
went about his studies. Finally Passover came and David was able to travel
home.
As he sat with his
father after the Seder, David said, "Dad, I want you to know how much I
love you and how much I appreciate everything you're doing for me. I really
couldn't get by without the cheque you send me every month. But I must
ask, what does it mean when you write 'FUF'?"
His father replied,
"Oy, some scholar you’re not. 'FUF' means 'From U Fadder'."
(#609) A restful
event
Natalie had three
very active sons and they were quite a handful. One summer evening she
was playing cowboys and Indians with them in her front garden when one
of the boys "shot" her and shouted "Bang! You're dead, mum."
So Natalie fell
down.
Her next door neighbour
had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away,
he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbour
bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, "Shhh. Please don't
give me away. It's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day".
(#610) The composer
Once upon a time,
a young Jewish composer was trying desperately to write a hit song. He
had been at it for an entire day, without food or water, but the inspiration
was taking a long time coming.
Then his mother
came into his room and said, “You must eat something. I’ll make you a smoked
salmon sandwich.”
But he pushed her
out of the room, shouting, “Go away.”
Within 15 minutes,
she was back. “Please, you must eat some food or you’ll be ill,” she cried.
Again he shoved
her out of the room, this time shouting, “Will you please leave me alone,
you silly moo. Stop bothering me, will you.”
But she took no
notice. Ten minutes later, she came into the room carrying a tray full
of food and drink. All his favourites were there.
But it had no effect
on him. She was still holding the tray of food when he angrily threw her
out of the room and locked the door.  He heard the crash of the tray
hitting the wall and the sound of breaking chinaware. Then he heard his
mother crying. Suddenly, he shouted, “I’ve got it, I know what to write.”
With that he went
to his piano and composed ‘My Yiddishe Mama’.
(#611) Woman
Adam was bored in
the Garden of Eden, so he says to God, “O Lord, I have a problem.”
“So what is your
problem Adam?” replies God.
“O Lord, I know
that you did create me and gave me all this wonderful food and put me in
this beautiful garden, but I'm just not happy.”
“Why is that, Adam?“
“O Lord, even though
I know you created this place for me and you gave me all these beautiful
animals to be with, I am nevertheless still lonely.“
“OK Adam, I have
the perfect solution - I shall create a woman for you.“
“What is a 'woman',
O Lord?“
“A ‘woman' will
be such an intelligent creature that she will know what you want before
you ask for it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know
your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will be the equal
of anything on earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need
and desire. She will be the ideal companion.“ answers the voice from heaven.“
“This woman sounds
great to me, O Lord.“
“She will be, take
my word for it, but she comes at a price, Adam.“
“So how much will
she cost me, O Lord?“ Adam asks.
“She will cost you
your left arm, your right foot, one eye, one ear and your
right testicle.“
Adam thinks about
this for a good 60 minutes, working out all the pros and cons of having
such a woman for company, but especially the cost to him.
Finally Adam says,
“O Lord, what kind of woman can I get for just one rib?“
The rest, as they
say, is history.
(#612) Shlomo
and Rifka – 1 (the honeymoon)
Shlomo and Rifka
had just got married and were on honeymoon. On the first night, as he was
making love to Rifka for the first time, Shlomo looked down at her and
asked, "Am I the first man to make love to you, Rifka?"
Rifka looked up
at him and replied, "No Shlomo. I'm sure I would have recognised you."
(#613) Shlomo
and Rifka – 2 (the golden wedding anniversary)
Shlomo and Rifka
had now been married for 50 years and that night, after the celebrations
were over, they were in bed and in a pretty romantic mood.
Rifka looked at
Shlomo and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you
had."
Shlomo felt a bit
obliged, so he leaned over and gave her a gentle peck on the cheek.
Then Rifka said,
"I also remember, Shlomo, when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity."
Again feeling obliged,
Shlomo gently placed his hand on hers.
Then Rifka said,
"I also remember, Shlomo, when you used to nibble on my neck and sent chills
up and down my spine. It was lovely."
This time, with
a blank stare on his face, Shlomo got out of the bed and as he began to
walk out of the bedroom, Rifka asked him, "Was it something I said, Shlomo,
where are you going?"
Shlomo looked at
Rifka and replied, "I'm going to the bathroom to get my teeth!"
(#614) Nothing
Louis was talking
to his friend Morris. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky," he
said, "and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me. And that's how we
go through life - doing nothing for each other."
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