(#1075) Wear it for 3 weeks
[My thanks to Jack L for
the following]
Rivkah wakes up one morning and utters
a loud "Oy Vay." She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately
goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says,
"Do you own a full length mink coat?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one
for our silver wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for
3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says,
"Well doctor, my shoulder has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left
index finger."
After examining her, he says, "Do you
own a 3 or 4 carat diamond ring?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me a 4
carat ring to celebrate the birth of Moshe, our first grandson."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for
3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says,
"Well doctor, my finger is OK but I'm now getting terrible headaches behind
my eyes."
After examining her, he says, "Do you
own a platinum and diamond tiara?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one
to wear under the chuppah at our Sarah's wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for
3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says,
"Well doctor, it’s a miracle. My shoulder feels great, my finger feels
great and I'm not getting any further headaches. Thank you very, very much.
But I have one question to ask you."
"What is it Rivkah?" asks her doctor.
"Doctor, how do you treat your non Jewish
patients?"
(#1076) The important discussion
[My thanks to Stephen for
the following]
Leah and Rose always meet every week at
Brent Cross shopping centre and always end up having a light lunch at John
Lewis. One day over lunch, Leah says to Rose, "All we ever seem to do is
talk about the unimportant things in life. Today, for example, we’ve talked
about the rudeness of our local kosher butcher, what the weather’s like
in Bournemouth, and our Rabbi’s recent poor sermon. Next time we meet,
why don’t we have a serious discussion on world affairs?"
"A good idea," says Rose.
So the following week, while they are
waiting for their lunch to arrive, Rose says, "So lets talk already."
Leah says, "OK. What do you think about
the situation with Red China?"
Rose replies, "Not much - it won’t go
with your green tablecloth."
(#1077) Life’s little problems
[My thanks to Malcolm for
the following]
One day, as Rachel is cleaning her daughter's
bedroom, she notices a letter on the pillow addressed to her. With a worried
feeling, Rachel reads the letter. This is what it said.
Dear Mum,
I’m sorry to have to tell you this
but I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. He’s so different, Mum. What with
his pierced tongue, his tattoos and his big motorcycle, I’ve found real
passion with him. But that’s not all.  I'm pregnant. But don’t worry,
Mick says that we will be very happy living in his caravan. He even shares
my dream of having a big family and he wants to have more children with
me.
He’s very clever as well. He’s taught
me how to grow marijuana and I agree with him that it doesn't hurt anyone.
So we'll be growing it not only for us but also all his friends.
Don't worry about our finances. Mick
has arranged for me to appear in some homemade video films. I can earn
£150 per scene, more if there are three men involved. But don't worry,
I'm 15 years old and know how to take care of myself.
In the meantime, Mum, please pray that
science will soon find a cure for AIDS. Mick deserves to get better.
Love Rebecca
PS    This letter is
not true – it’s all make believe. Actually, I'm at our neighbour's house.
I just wanted to prove to you that there are worse things in life than
denting your Lexus car.
(#1078) Chanukah cards
Sadie is holidaying in Israel and goes
to the post office for some stamps for her Chanukah cards. "Can I have
50 Chanukah stamps please?"
"Of course," says the clerk, "what denomination?"
"Oy vay," says Sadie, "has it come to
this already?  OK, give me 14 liberal, 28 reform and 8 orthodox stamps
please."
(#1079) Career mapping
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Abe and his young son Sam are in synagogue
one shabbos morning when Sam says, "When I grow up, dad, I want to be a
Rabbi."
"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made
you decide that?"
"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to
shul on shabbos anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout
than to sit down and listen."
(#1080) Man versus machine
On his way to work one morning, Nathan
arrives at Mill Hill station a bit early. While he’s waiting for his train,
he notices a new machine on the platform – the sign on it says it’s a state-of-the-art
talking weighing machine. So Nathan stands on it, puts in a £1 coin
and the machine says, "You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish."
Nathan can’t believe what he’s just heard.
So he gets on it again and inserts another £1 coin. "You weigh 160
pounds, you are Jewish and you’re waiting for the 7.35am train to take
you to your job at Rothschild’s Bank."
He is totally shocked, but he’s determined
to beat the machine. He goes into the Gents toilet, ruffles up his hair,
puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket
and drapes it over his arm, and puts a first aid plaster on his chin. 
He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another £1
coin. The machine instantly says, "You’re still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds.
You’re also a shmuck(*). While you’ve been testing me out, you’ve just
missed your train."
(*) shmuck – stupid ass
(#1081) A round excuse
Benjy the dentist was also a golf fanatic
and would often take time off work for a round of golf. One day, he told
his secretary to cancel all his appointments. She was also to leave the
following voice mail message on his phone: -
‘Dr Benjamin is fully occupied today as
he needs to fill 18 cavities. Please ring tomorrow for an appointment.
Thank you.’
(#1082) Jewish Eskimos?
Issy and Daniel, the well-known anthropologists,
were having a discussion. "Daniel, do you think there are any Jewish Eskimos
about?"
"I don’t know," replies Daniel, "but why
don’t we go see for ourselves?"
Two weeks later they’re in Alaska. As
they ask around, they are consistently directed to one particular, very
ornate igloo. When they go inside, they find a family of four Eskimos sitting
around an ice table munching candles - and they weren’t ordinary candles.
From the cardboard boxes on the table, Issy and Daniel could clearly see
that they were Yahrtzeit candles.
Surprised by this revelation, Issy turns
to the Eskimo father and says, "We’ve noticed the candles - are you Jewish
by any chance?"
"No," came the reply, "we just like Jewish
food."
(#1083) The homecoming surprise
Yitzhak was not the kind of person you
would expect any sympathy from. Whenever something bad happened to anyone,
he would always shrug his shoulders and say, "Well, look on the bright
side - it could have been worse."
One day, something terrible happened to
the married couple living next door to Yitzhak - the husband came home
early from work and caught his wife in bed with another man, so he shot
both his wife and her lover, then killed himself.
Soon, crowds began to gather in the street
and many were in a state of shock. But as usual, Yitzhak shrugged his shoulders
and said, "Well, look on the bright side - it could have been worse."
They all recoiled in horror. "Don’t be
so stupid," they told him, "how on earth could it have been any worse?"
Yitzhak replied, "Well, if the husband
had come home early yesterday instead of today, I would be dead now."
(#1084) Fairy story
Rebecca is nine years old and is doing
her homework. Suddenly, she gets up, goes to her father and says, "Daddy,
could you please tell me what ‘frugal’ means."
"Yes, of course, replies her father, "it
means something like - to save."
Rebecca thanks him and goes back to her
homework. Later, her father goes over to see how she’s getting on. He’s
reading her story when he comes across the following: -
‘The beautiful princess Sarah
slipped on the wet grass and fell into the lake. As she couldn’t swim she
starting shouting out, "Frugal me. Oh please, someone frugal me."
Luckily for princess Sarah, the handsome
prince David was riding by and he quickly frugalled her. They then lived
happily ever after.
The End.’
(#1085) The offer
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following]
Avrahom is a 50 year-old single guy who
owns a successful gift shop in Edgware. He is very rich. One day, he somehow
gets confused about how to pay an invoice he’s just received, so he asks
Sylvia, his secretary, to come into his office.
Avrahom sits her down next to him and
says, "Sylvia, if I were to give you £22,000, minus 17.5%, how much
would you take off?"
Sylvia pauses, looks him up and down and
replies, "Everything but my jewellery."
(#1086) Yes it’s true
Nathan meets his friend Harry in the Edgware
Bagel Factory. "I hear that your mother-in-law has sold her house and moved
in with you. Is this true Harry?"
"Yes it’s true," replies Harry.
"And I also hear that she’s recently become
quite ill," says Nathan.
"Yes it’s true," replies Harry.
"In fact, I hear that she’s so ill that
she’s been taken into hospital," says Nathan.
"Yes its true," replies Harry.
"So how long has she been in hospital?"
asks Nathan.
"In two days time, please God, it will
be 2 weeks," replies Harry.
(#1087) Good advice
Abe is in a terrible state and goes to
see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I need your help in a big way.
I feel very suicidal. What should I do?"
Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me
in advance."
(#1088) Motherly advice
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away - you
want a nosebleed?"
(#1089) Top Internet acronyms
LOL:                  
Laugh out loud
BRB:                 
Be right back
MG:                   
Oh my god
VBG:                 
Very big grin
OTOH:              
On the other hand
GMTA:              
Great minds think alike
A/S/L:               
Age, sex, location
SITD:                
Still in the dark
IMHO:               
In my humble opinion
ROTFLMAO:    Rolling on
the floor, laughing my arse off
(#1090) For computer nerds only
There are 10 types of people in the world
- those who understand binary and those who don’t.
(#1091) Sign in butcher’s window
Strictly Kosher
The shochet kills himself every morning
(#1092) Wrong start
Morry was a newly qualified English teacher
and the first job he was given was to teach English to prisoners inside
Wormwood Scrubs jail. His problem was that he had no idea of the prisoners’
level of education. So to get round this, he decided to begin his first
class by asking a basic question, "Okay guys, who can tell me what a sentence
is?"
(#1093) Progressive discussion
Rabbis Levy, Samuel and Kosiner were ‘progressive’
reform rabbis and were talking one day about the recent advances made by
their synagogues. Rabbi Levy said, "we’re very modern – we allow mobile
phones to be used during services - we even have re-charging points all
over the synagogue."
"Well," said Rabbi Samuel," we’ve installed
a snack bar at the back of the synagogue for those who feel hungry or thirsty
during services – we serve falafel in pitta and hot salt beef with latkes
and new green cucumbers."
"That’s nothing to what we do, my friends,"
said Rabbi Kosiner, "we close our synagogue for the Jewish holidays."
(#1094) A woman’s lament
Becky was talking to Shlomo. "Oy vay,
Shlomo."
"What’s wrong, Becky?" he asks.
"I was thinking about myself this morning
and I couldn’t believe just how things have got worse now that I’m chronologically
challenged(*). I'm living with osteoporosis and my kidneys are so bad that
I have to have regular dialysis. I have terrible circulation in my feet
and can’t feel my toes. I’ve survived a triple-heart bypass operation and
had both my hips replaced. I’m loosing the sight in my right eye and my
hearing is terrible. I’ve got a new left knee and the other one is deteriorating."
"And that’s not all, Shlomo. I’m sure
I’m suffering from senile dementia – I can't remember whether I'm 73 or
79. I’m also sure I’m suffering from senile dementia – I can't remember
whether I'm 73 or 79."
"But I continue to survive, Shlomo - at
a price! As a result of the 50 daily medications I take to live from day
to day, I suffer from diarrhoea, wind, dizziness and sometimes even blackouts.
But, my dear Shlomo, thank God I still have my driver's license."
(*) chronologically challenged – old
go to fiftieth set