Another Look At The Ten Commandments

I am the L-RD thy G-d and I give you these Ten Commandments:



I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall
not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are
"cool," "nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before
Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot
and, hence, right out.

You shall not take the name of the L-RD your G-d in vein. Drugs are
fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.

You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day
Thanksgiving. Make sure to look for the bargains for these,
though, but don't let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more
thou spendest, the holier thou art.

Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father
molests thee. For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy
affliction... naneenaneebooboo.

You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, or the Pope or
any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to hunt
queers, women, commies or sissies.

You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women.
Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be
stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My
quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use them
just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this
is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being G-d. Someone get these
bugs offa Me!

Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or
government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it
in to the state or national charter.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless
thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so
long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).

Go ahead and covet.

Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning,
which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion
and kill anyone who questions thou.