(#491) The Rabbi’s
visit
One Sunday morning,
Rabbi Rabbinovitz goes to visit Samuel Lyons.
"Shalom, Sam. I’ll
come straight to the point. I’ve come here because our synagogue needs
your help. You’ve been a member for over 20 years and I realise that you’re
always quick to pay your membership fees in full. But as you are aware,
we are in a financial crisis. I've come here to ask you for a little extra
for the new school building fund."
"How much are you
looking to get from me - how big is little?" asks Sam.
"I’ll be honest.
£10,000 would be a tremendous help to us," replies the Rabbi."
Sam responds, "Rabbi,
my daughter Rebecca is soon getting married and she has asked me for £25,000
to help her buy that house she saw in Hampstead. And my son David is just
starting at Manchester University and he wants £25,000 to see him
through the difficult first year there. My wife Sadie wants a hysterectomy
and she has asked for £30,000 for the doctors’ fees and in-patient
facilities. And that’s not all. You know from your own experience that
to keep my mother in a nursing home, they are asking £35,000. So
Rabbi, if I can say 'no' to them, I can say 'no' to you."
(#492) Fish bait
Moishe went out
fishing. He had driven by the lake many times before and had seen some
other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first
day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman
near him was scooping in one fish after another. Moishe had to know the
secret.
"Excuse me, would
you mind telling me what sort of bait you’re using?" he asked.
The other man looked
around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident
I found that human tonsil works very well."
Moishe couldn’t
match that. He thanked the man and left.
Next day, Moishe
returned to the lake, tried a different bait but still had no luck. Just
as before, there ahead was another man reeling in fish after fish.
"Excuse me," asked
Moishe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but
I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and I’m using a bit
of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought Moishe.
“I can’t match that. It seems that the fish in this lake will require a
little more effort than normal.”
He left, willing
to give the lake one more try.
On the third day,
Moishe still had no luck. As usual, there was another man near him bringing
in lots of fish. Moishe had to confirm what he already knew.
"Excuse me sir,
but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a mohel."
(#493) Some more
Adverts from the Israeli newspapers
(see #86 and #125
for previous Adverts)
"Couch potato latke,
in search of the right apple sauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
PO Box 43."
"Female graduate
student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No
weirdos, please. PO Box 56."
"Israeli professor,
41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind.  Looking for American-born
woman who speaks English very good.  PO Box 123"
(#494)  Pesach
problem
It is not generally
known that a few years ago the Jewish community in Madrid discovered at
the last moment that they had no horseradish for making chrain for Pesach.
All the countries they asked replied in the same way, "Sorry, we have none
left to send you."
So, in desperation,
the Spanish Chief Rabbi called his friend in Israel and begged him to immediately
send him some horseradish by air freight. He agreed and three days before
Pesach, a crate of the best grade of tear-jerking Israeli horseradish was
loaded onto an El Al Flight to Madrid. All seemed to be going OK but when
the Chief Rabbi went to the airport to pick up his desperately needed horseradish,
he was shocked to learn that there was a strike and that no crates of any
kind would be unloaded at the airport for at least four days.
So, as it is said,
“The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.”
(#495) The haircuts
A priest goes to
a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him
how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man,
a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."
The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves. When
the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he
finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later,
a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a shave and a wax.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don’t have to give me any
money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't
charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk bows, shakes his hand
and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning,
almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week
a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard
trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn’t
ask you to pay anything, it’s on the house, you are a learned and wise
man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser
goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis
on his doorstep.
(#496) I give
you the answer, you give me the question
A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle
East skin disease?
A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian
Belly Dance?
A: A classroom, a
Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What is a cheder,
a seder, and a tater?
A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews
recline on Passover?
A: Babylon
Q: What does the
rabbi do during some sermons?
A: Kishka, succah,
and circumcision
Q: What are a gut,
a hut, and a cut?
(#497) Quickies
(mainly Jewish Mother riddles)
Q: Why are many
Jewish girls still single these days?
A: They have not
yet met Dr. Right.
Q: Why was Moses'
mother so happy?
A: Because she not
only had fun in bed, but she made a prophet!
Q: What did the Jewish
mother bank cashier say to her customer?
A: “You never write,
you never call, you only visit when you need money.”
Q: What did the Jewish
mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?
A: "Who did the
catering, darling?"
Q: What kind of cigarettes
do Jewish mothers smoke?
A: Gefiltered.
Q: What is the most
common disease transmitted by Jewish mothers?
A: Guilt
Q: Why do Jewish
mothers make great parole officers?
A: Because they
never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: Why are Jewish
mothers always excused from jury service?
A: Because they
all insist that they're the guilty ones.
Q: Why are there
so few Jewish mothers who are alcoholics?
A: Because alcohol
dulls the pain.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average student
with a Jewish mother.
Q: What's the difference
between a Jewish mother and a vulture?
A: A vulture waits
until you're dead to eat your heart out."
(#498) An end
to the medical profession?
Hette was talking
to her best friend Freda. "You know, Freda," said Hette, "Being a doctor
these days isn't as great as it used to be. There are now many kinds of
scientist around with much more prestige than doctors. It therefore follows
that in future, many Jewish boys are going to become scientists instead
of doctors."
"I can’t agree with
you at all on this one," replied Freda.
"Why on earth not?"
said Hette.
"Because, my dear
Hette," replied Freda, "it's much more difficult to say, 'My son, the nuclear
physicist.'"
(#499) Moses,
I supposes
One day, George
W. Bush was in an airport lobby when he couldn’t help but notice a very
tall striking man standing on his own in the departure lounge. The man
was wearing a long flowing white robe, and had a long flowing white beard,
flowing white hair, a staff in one hand and some stone tablets in the other.
GWB was so sure
he knew who he was that he felt he had to say something to him. So GWB
approached him and asked, "You’re Moses, aren’t you."
The man just stared
at the ground and totally ignored GWB.
GWB wasn’t going
to give up on this, so he stood right in front of the man and again asked,
this time more loudly, " You’re Moses, aren’t you."
The man continued
to stare at the floor.
GWB was having none
of this. He grabbed hold of the man's arm and asked once again, " You’re
Moses, aren’t you."
At last the man
looked up and answered, "Yes, I am Moses".
GWB then asked,
"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied,
"Yes, I know who you are. That’s why I tried to ignore you. The last time
I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the desert".
(#500) Oh happy
day
"Congratulations,
Moishe" said the bridegroom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back on today
and remember it as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting
married until tomorrow." replied Moishe.
"I know, I know."
replied his uncle.
(#501) Religious
instruction?
A young, popular,
but controversial teacher tells her 3rd year class that she is an atheist
and asks if there are any other atheists in the class, they must put up
their hands.
Not really knowing
what an atheist was, but wanting to follow their teacher, all but one of
them immediately put up their hands. The exception was Natalie.
The teacher asks
Natalie why she wants to be different to all the others.
"Because I'm not
an atheist," she replies.
"So what are you
then?" asks the teacher.
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher asks
Natalie why she is Jewish.
"I was brought up
knowing and loving God. My Mother is Jewish and my father is Jewish, so
I am Jewish."
"That's not a good
enough reason," the teacher says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron,
and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Then I'd be an
atheist," says Natalie, smiling.
(#502) "Who Needs
Food?"
It’s breakfast time.
Sadie asks her husband Moishe, "Would you like some scrambled eggs, perhaps
a piece of toast and grapefruit and coffee to follow?"
Moishe replies,
"No thanks, it's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, Sadie
asks Moishe if he would like something to eat. "How about a bowl of your
favourite home made vegetable soup, followed by a cheese and tomato sandwich
on rye?" she inquires.
Moishe again declines.
"It's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come dinnertime,
Sadie asks Moishe if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the delicatessen
and buy him some food. Would he like a nice juicy lamb chop with a tasty
stir-fry followed by apple pie and cream?
Again, Moishe says,
"No thanks, it's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," Sadie says,
"Would you mind getting off me and letting me up? I'm starving."
(#503) Jewish
Santa
Father Christmas
was on duty, working in the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. When a little
girl comes up to his table. Santa asks her, "What’s your name, dear, and
what do you want for Christmas?"
The girl replies,
"My name is Mary and I would like a new Barbie doll for Christmas, please."
Santa tells her,
"I will add your Barbie doll to my list, but for now, please take a present
from my toy sack."
Then a little boy
comes up to his table. Santa asks him, "What’s your name, boy, and what
do you want for Christmas?"
The boy replies,
"My name is Peter and I want a Harry Potter remote control car for Christmas."
Santa tells him,
"I will add your Harry Potter car to my list, but for now, please take
a present from my toy sack."
Then another little
boy comes up to his table. Santa asks him, "What’s your name, handsome,
and what do want for Christmas?"
The boy replies,
"My name is Moishe and I'm Jewish. I’m not allowed to ask for anything
from Santa."
Santa points to
his toy sack and whispers in the boy's ear, "Nem tzvay." (take two)
(#504) Tailor,
Tailor and Tailor
In the middle of
Whitechapel, London, there was a little street with just five shops in
it. Every shop was a tailor's shop, except for one, which was empty.
The first was called
George’s Tailor Shop. On its sign was, "Best tailors in the area."
The second was called
Mick’s Tailor Shop. Its sign read, "Best tailors in London."
Then came "The Tailor
Shop". Its sign read, "Best tailors in the UK."
The fourth was "Baring
& Gilow’s Tailors". On its big sign were the words, "Best tailors in
the world."
So Moishe Cohen
took a lease on the fifth shop, the empty one, and Moishe decided to call
it "Cohen’s – Best tailors in the street!"
(#505) The cure
Moishe and Sadie
were touring the Middle East. As part of the day's itinerary, they took
a trip to the local bazaar. The couple visited many of the shops there
and spoke to numerous vendors who were dotted around the square. One of
the stalls was selling sandals. But not any old sandals, said the owner.
"My sandals will increase the sexual prowess of whoever wears them. I guarantee
this."
Moishe told the
owner that he wasn't interested, but Sadie looked at Moishe and insisted
that he buy a pair. She said it might help him. Seeing that look in her
eyes, he decided it was futile to argue.
Before paying for
them, Moishe wanted to make sure that they fitted him, so he tried them
on. Immediately, Moishe grabbed hold of the owner, threw him on the table,
and started to rip his clothes off.
"Stop, stop", yelled
the owner. "You’ve put them on the wrong feet!"
(#506) The negotiation
Moishe the tailor
felt it was time to get a wife so one day plucked up courage to visit a
marriage broker. The broker immediately offered him a beautiful young lady.
"This girl is quite
gorgeous. She’s a real prize, especially as she wants to settle down with
a husband right away. Yours would be a wedding made in heaven," said the
broker.
But Moishe was a
businessman and he never made decisions quickly.
"Look, I need more
information," Moishe told her. "Whenever I buy any cloth, I always ask
to see some swatches first. So before I decide on a wife, I want to see
a sample also."
The broker said
she would pass on Moishe’s request directly to the lady in question. She
then went to visit the intended bride.
"My client says
he is a good businessman and needs to find out exactly what he's buying.
He insists on a sample."
"OK," replied the
girl, "I understand – I am also good at business. Tell him that I don’t
give samples but I am prepared to give him references."
(#507) The pick
up
Sadie and Bernie
were well into their 80s and were still able to look after themselves.
Until, that is, the day a police car pulled up outside their house and
out stepped Bernie. The policeman who escorted Bernie to the door was kind
and understanding. He explained to Sadie that Bernie told him he was lost
in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Bernie," said
Sadie, "How on earth could you get yourself lost? You've been going to
that park for over 25 years."
Bernie went up to
Sadie and whispered softly in her ear, "Please don’t tell him but I wasn't
lost, I was just too tired to walk home."
(#508) The slow
learner
Young Bernie Gold
was nearly 12 years old and although he had a lower than average IQ, he
was a dutiful and caring son. One day, he was having a chat with his father.
"Dad, it’s Father's
Day on Sunday and I want to buy you something. Mum said I should ask you
what you wanted."
Mr Gold only needed
to think for a moment. "What do I want? I only want one thing - you are
12 months away from your Barmitzvah and I would be so very happy if you
could learn at last to speak Hebrew."
Bernie groaned aloud,
"You know how hard I’m finding it at school to learn new subjects, Dad.
I’m such a slow learner. I just don’t think I would be able to learn Hebrew."
Mr Gold looked squarely
at his son and said, "Bernie, you’re better than you think you are. I’ll
even help you, just as my father helped me. If you could do this for me,
it would please me so very much!"
"OK, I'll try Dad,
just for you, but please don’t be angry with me if I fail."
So next Sunday,
they went to see the Rabbi and soon after that, Bernie was enrolled in
the synagogue’s Hebrew classes. Over the months that followed, Bernie kept
his promise by attending regularly and trying as hard as he could.
One day, Mr Gold
decided to visit the synagogue and check on Bernie’s progress. He entered
the class in the middle of a lesson and when it came to Bernie’s turn to
read, Mr Gold was soon dismayed to discover how little Hebrew Bernie could
manage after all the months that had gone by. Bernie was very slow and
made many mistakes in his reading.
But even worse,
Mr Gold realized that what he was hearing from Bernie was the beginning
of the Kaddish. He was shocked – the Kaddish is the prayer for the dead,
the words that every son is expected to say after the father's death.
"Rabbi, what on
earth are you teaching my son?" argued Mr Gold after the lesson was over.
"I'm only in my 40s - I’m a young man still in good health. I go jogging
and Israeli dancing every week. Do I really look so ill that you are teaching
Bernie to say the Kaddish now?"
The Rabbi replied,
"Mr Gold, please God you should live so long that Bernie is able to say
the whole of the Kaddish over you!"
(#509) 23rd Psalm
for Jewish Princesses
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He leadeth me to
Brent Cross
He giveth me energy
for shopping
He restoreth my
credit card
He teacheth me to
make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past
Woolworths for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk
by Next, I shall not go in, for thou art with me.
Thy fashionable
clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond
jewellery for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my
face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer
clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk
on Golders Green Road forever.
(#510) Match that
Moishe Cohen was
82 years old and had made an appointment with Doctor Michaels who was very
well known for his work in curing impotence. Doctor Michaels examined Moishe
carefully and then said to him, "Mr Cohen, I’ve examined every part of
you and I can honestly say that you're in excellent condition for a man
of your age. So tell me, why are you really here?"
Moishe replied,
"My friend Bernie has told me he makes love to his wife 5 times a week,
and I can’t do that, Doctor."
Doctor Michaels
smiled and said, "Yes you can. You can also say you make love as many times
a week as you like."
(#511) First job
Rabbi Bloom had
just accepted a junior role at a NW London synagogue for his first posting.
The senior Rabbi there, Rabbi Gold, was well loved by his congregation
and considered to be very wise with a wicked sense of humour.
One day, not long
after he joined, Rabbi Bloom said to Rabbi Gold, "You know I told you during
my interview that I had won many prizes in the Yeshiva for my sermons?
Well, I don’t think there is a subject in the world that I could not instantly
find a Biblical text for and then incorporate it into a sermon." Rabbi
Gold couldn’t help but decide to put him to the test.
"Rabbi Bloom," he
said, "I want you to give my sermon next Shabbos. But there will be no
need to prepare it in advance. Instead, when you get into the pulpit, you
will find a sealed envelope and inside the envelope will be a single sheet
of paper on which I will have written a one-word topic. I challenge you
to find any kind of text that will fit." Rabbi Bloom thanked Rabbi Gold
for the opportunity and said he looked forward to the challenge with relish.
The day came. Rabbi
Bloom walked up the stairs to the pulpit, opened the envelope, looked at
the sheet of paper on which was written "constipation", and started his
sermon. "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."
(#512) The cure
Moishe went to see
his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold that wouldn’t
clear up. His doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didn't help. On
his next visit, the doctor gave Moishe an injection, but that didn't do
any good, either.
On his third visit,
the doctor told Moishe to go home and take a hot bath. Then, as soon as
he got out the bath, he must open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doctor," protested
Moishe, "I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his
doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
(#513) The root
of our troubles
Did you know that
the horseradish root goes back in time as far as the matzoh does? The horseradish
root also crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites. The Israelites
were slaves at the time and only had access to a few vegetables. The hard
and woody horseradish was one of them and was a household staple.
Nearly all the fleeing
Israelites took horseradish with them. Moishe and Sadie, however, while
gathering up their scant belongings, found to their dismay that they had
run out of horseradish. Sadie immediately sent Moishe into the field to
dig up a large horseradish root to take with them. However, because it
was dark and everyone was running around in panic, Moishe dug up a ginger
root by mistake.
After forty years
in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the Promised Land – all,
that is, except Moishe and Sadie. It took them forty-one years to arrive.
When asked where they had been, Sadie, now grown old, shrugged her shoulders
and replied, "Moishe insisted on taking an alternative root."
(#514) A visit
to her husband
It's the yahtzeit
of Bernie Gold’s death and Sadie, his widow, goes to the cemetery to clean
his grave, read a prayer and then place a small stone on the marble, as
is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.
But because she
hadn’t visited his grave for some years, Sadie cannot find Bernie’s resting
place and has to ask an attendant for help. He escorts her to the cemetery
office where all the records are kept.
He made her a cup
of coffee and then spent time looking at maps and lists. After 30 minutes,
he finally turns to Sadie and says, "I can find no record of a Bernie Gold
buried at this cemetery. Are you sure he is here? All I can find is the
grave of Sadie Gold"
"That's him!" Sadie
shouts out. "Bernie always put everything in my name."
go to twentyfirst
set