(XXX#135) The inexperienced couple
Yitzhak and Leah decide to marry. However,
they are both so inexperienced that neither knows what they have to do
on their wedding night. So they go to Rabbi Bloom for advice.
After hearing their story, Rabbi Bloom
takes them upstairs to his bedroom and says to Leah, "I want you to get
undressed and get on my bed. I’ll get undressed too and then I’ll be able
to show you both exactly what you will have to do on your wedding night."
So Leah gets undressed as she was told
and gets up on the bed. Rabbi Bloom then begins to demonstrate on Leah
the steps and actions involved in making love. From start to finish!
As soon as Rabbi Bloom finishes, he starts
getting dressed, saying to Yitzhak, "Well, that’s what you have to do,
Yitzhak. You can see that it has worked by the lovely glowing look on Leah’s
face. So now I suggest you take her home and practice what I’ve shown you."
But then Leah interrupts and says, "Hold
on Rabbi, could you please show Yitzhak again what to do. He’s a little
forgetful."
(XXX#136) Riddle
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps
with her husband on the same day.
(XXX#137) A wise man
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Hymie is talking to Max. "I wish my zaydeh
(grandfather) were still alive today," he says.
"Why’s that, Hymie," asks Max.
"Because he always had pearls of wisdom
to pass onto me," replies Hymie,
"So was he a wise man?" asks Max.
"Wise?" replies Max, "of course he was
wise. I remember once we were sitting on a park bench watching some mothers
and their children playing around and enjoying themselves when he turned
to me and said, ‘Hymie, be sure to marry a Jewish girl with small hands.’
‘Why, zaydeh?’ I asked.
‘Because they’ll make your pecker look
bigger,’ he answered."
(XXX#138) A useful hobby
[My thanks to Stephen for
the following]
Rose is talking to her friend Sharon.
"Did you know, Sharon, that I’ve been married 3 times?"
"No I didn’t," replies Sharon, "did you
love all three of your husbands equally?"
"No I didn’t," replies Rose. "My first
husband Alan was a gynaecologist, but he would only look at it. My second
husband Henry was a psychiatrist, but he would only talk to it.  But
I loved my third husband David the best. He was a stamp collector."
(XXX#139) Mine lips you can kiss
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Although Rivkah’s husband Aaron died almost
five years ago, she’s finding it very difficult to come to terms with her
loss and she often acts as if she’s still in mourning.  Naomi, her
daughter, is constantly urging her to get back into the living world, but
up to now is having no luck.
But then one day, Naomi is surprised to
hear her mother say to her, "OK, I’ll go out, but I don’t know anyone to
go out with."
Naomi quickly says, "Don’t worry, mum.
I know someone you’ll really like. His name is Cyril."
Cyril and Rivkah became a couple almost
instantly and after dating for nearly two months, Cyril asks Rivkah whether
she would like to spend the coming weekend with him at the Grand Hotel,
Eastbourne. "Of course, Cyril," she replies.
On their first night at the hotel, they
both start to undress. Soon, Rivkah is standing there naked except for
a pair of black lacy panties and Cyril is in his birthday suit. Cyril looks
at her and asks, "Nu? So vy the black panties?"
Rivkah replies, "Mine lips you can kiss,
mine neck you can nuzzle, mine breasts you can fondle and mine body you
can explore. But down… you-know-where, I’m still in mourning."
Cyril realises that this night is not
going to be his night for L-O-V-E. But he’s patient and cunning. The same
thing happens the next night – Rivkah stands there wearing her black panties
and Cyril wears nothing....except this time he’s wearing a black condom.
Rivkah looks at him and asks, "What's
with this black condom?"
"I vant to offer my deepest condolences,"
replies Cyril.
(XXX#140) Yiddish story
[My thanks to Malcolm for
the following]
Fay and Ethel are two alte maidel shvesters
(old sisters), both of whom are virgins. One evening, Fay says to Ethel,
"Ich vilt nish shtarben a virgin (I don't want to die a virgin). 
Ich gayen arum and ich nist kimpt ahaim until I've been shtupped." (I'm
going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid).
Ethel replies, "Vell OK, but make sure
you're home by 10 o’clock so I shouldn't vurry about you."
10 o'clock comes and goes and there's
no sign of Fay, then 11 o'clock and midnight. Finally, just after 1 o’clock
in the morning, the front door opens and in walks Fay. She heads straight
for the bathroom.
Ethel is worried so she knocks on the
bathroom door and shouts, "Do bist goot, Fay?" (Are you OK Fay?)
No answer, so she opens the bathroom door
and sees Fay sitting there with her panties around her ankles, legs ousgashprait
(wide apart) and her head stuck between her legs looking in her "knish" 
(you figure it out!).
"Vous is de mair (what's the matter)?"
asks Ethel.
Fay replies, "It vuz ten inches long ven
it vent in and only five inches ven it kimpt oise (came out). Ven I find
the other half, Ethel, you too can have the time of your life."
(XXX#141) Zip problems
Naomi is waiting for a bus to take her
to Brent Cross shopping centre. When it arrives she tries to get on, but
because she’s wearing a very tight mini skirt, she can't get her leg up
onto the first step of the bus. So she reaches behind her, undoes her zipper
a little and tries again to get on the bus. But she can’t - her skirt is
still very tight.  So she again reaches behind her and undoes the
zipper a little bit more. But she still can’t lift her leg.
She’s getting a bit flummoxed (anxious)
now because there are people behind her waiting to get on. So she reaches
behind her a 3rd time and yanks the zip all the way down. But she can’t
believe it – she still can’t lift her leg.
Just then, the man directly behind her
picks her up and drops her into the bus. Instead of thanking him, Naomi
turns to him and says angrily, "How dare you?  Only a close friend
would dare do such a thing."
The man smiles at her and says, "Please
forgive me. After the expert way you dealt with my zipper, I really thought
we were friends."
(XXX#142) A good check up
Just before her 70th birthday, Kitty says
to her husband, "You know what Harry? I think I'll go see Dr. Besser and
get myself checked over. I haven’t been to see him for ages."
"That’s a good idea, darling," says Harry.
Two days later, Kitty is telling Dr. Besser
why she’s come. "I haven’t had a check-up for over 25years and I think
it wise to have one now," she tells him.
"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put
on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then I’ll look you
over."
As soon as she’s done what he’s asked,
Dr. Besser goes over to her, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right
breast and tells her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser.
He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"This one’s fine too," says Dr. Besser.
"Now I’ll like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and
put your feet in the stirrups."
Kitty does what the doctor asked. Dr.
Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check
out Kitty’s private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to
her, "Say 99."
This time Kitty replies, "One, two three,
four ........"
(XXX#143) It’s wonderful
Whilst out shopping in Hendon with her
grandchildren, Hannah is forced to let her small grandson pee in the gutter.
As she watches him do his thing, Hannah can’t help but praise aloud, in
no uncertain terms, what she sees.
"Oh, how gorgeous, how cute, how wonderful,
and how BIG it is."
Standing on the other side of the road
is Moshe and he’s been watching and hearing the event over the road. Then
Moshe shouts over to Hannah, "Lady, if you’re such a maven, such an expert
in such male things, why don’t you come over here and give me an estimate
also."
(XXX#144) The braggers
Abe is flying home to London on a BA scheduled
flight after attending a business meeting in Paris. A Frenchman and an
Italian are seated next to him.  After a while, the three get talking
about their home lives.
"Last night," brags the Frenchman, "I
made love to my wife four times and this morning she made me delicious
crepes and told me how much she adored me."
"That’s nothing," responds the Italian,
"last night I made love to my wife six times and this morning she made
me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love any other man."
Abe remains silent, so the Frenchman asks
him, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night, monsieur?"
"Once," Abe replies.
"Only once?" snorts the Italian, arrogantly,
"and what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop," replies Abe.
(XXX#145) A letter to an Agony Aunt
Dear Naomi
I am getting married next month to a gorgeous
girl called Miriam and our reception is going to be held at the Dorchester
hotel in London.
Because my family’s invitation list totalled
120 people, more than her parents were expecting to pay for, Miriam’s mother
Rachel invited me to her house in Hampstead to see what could be done.
When I got there, Rachel and I went through my list and we managed to trim
it down to 101, including my Rabbi. Rachel said she could accept this number.
She is not only young and attractive but also very understanding.
Then, out of the blue, Rachel shocked
me. She said that she fancied me and that before I became a married man,
she would like to have sex with me. She then turned around and started
walking upstairs to the bedroom. Half way up the stairs, she turned around
and told me that if I wanted to leave, I knew where the front door was.
I stood there for a few minutes and then
made my decision. As I headed out the front door, there was Max, my future
father-in-law, leaning on my Lexus. Smiling, Max said to me, "Mazeltov,
you’ve passed our little test." He then explained that they just wanted
to be sure I was a good Jewish boy and would be faithful to their little
girl. We then shook hands.
So Naomi, the question is, should I tell
Miriam what her parents did and that I thought their test insulted my character?
Or should I keep quiet, knowing that the reason I went to my car was to
get a condom?
Relieved of Edgware
(XXX#146) Money first
Sadie and Becky have been best of friends
for some time. Then one day in Brent Cross shopping centre, Sadie notices
that Becky is not only wearing new gold and diamond jewellery but also
the latest in designer clothes. She’s also had her hair done immaculately
and her nails are well manicured. So she says, "Becky, how come all this
new gear? Where did you find the money?"
"I get my extra money by charging mine
Issy £5.00 every time we have sex," Becky replies.
"Wow," says Sadie.
"And you can do the same with your Benny,"
says Becky. "It really adds up quickly, but you must remain firm, you mustn’t
let him talk you into accepting less and you must never let him coax you
into doing it for nothing."
"OK," says Sadie, "that sounds easy enough.
I’ll start tonight. Benny will certainly be surprised."
That night, when Benny is ready to have
sex, Sadie says to him, "From now on, darling, you’ll always have to give
me £5.00 before we have sex."  She then tells him why.
"Oh, I see," he says and gets out of bed
to get the money. But he quickly realises that he has only £4.50
in his wallet.
Sadie refuses to accept it. "Rules are
rules," she says. "If you want sex, you’ll have to give me the full amount
- £5.00."
"Alright," says Benny, "so we can't have
sex. But can I touch you for £4.50? We'll just make-out, OK?"
"OK," says Sadie.
Benny starts to kiss her and fondle her
body. He rubs against her, etc, etc. Quickly, Sadie starts to get hot and
bothered and finally she’s so turned on that she says, "If it's all right
with you, Benny, I'll lend you the 50p until tomorrow."
(XXX#147) Forgotten ticket
Arnold leaves for a 2 day business trip
to Paris. As he’s walking to the station, he realises that he’s left his
British Airways ticket on the bed. So he returns and quietly enters the
house.
There in the kitchen is his Ruth. She’s
wearing her skimpiest negligee and she’s standing at the sink washing the
breakfast dishes. She looks so inviting that Arnold tiptoes up behind her,
reaches out, and squeezes her right breast.
"Leave only one pint of milk," she says
without turning, "Arnold won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
(XXX#148) The Chasid
A Chasid arranges for a hooker to come
to his room for the evening. They undress, get into bed and make mad passionate
love. Then the Chasid jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath,
runs out the door, returns, jumps back into bed with the hooker and repeats
the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto
of the second encounter. The Chasid then jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes a deep breath, runs through the door, returns, jumps back into bed
with the hooker and starts again.
This sequence is repeated four times.
The hooker is totally amazed. Then after the fifth encore, she decides
to try it herself. So she jumps up, goes to the window, takes a deep breath,
runs through the door ….. and finds the other nine members of the Minyan.
(XXX#149)  The wrong solution
Moshe is fed up with his Becky because
she keeps on asking him how she looks. So he decides to buy her a full
length mirror. But this doesn’t give the required result. Becky now continually
stands in front of the mirror, looks at herself and still asks him how
she looks.
One day, Becky has just got out of the
shower and again stands in front of the mirror. This time she starts to
complain that her breasts are too small.
"Oy vay," says Moshe to himself, "here
we go again."
But he suddenly has an idea. "If you want
your breasts to get bigger," he says to Becky, "then I suggest you take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds
every day."
Becky is willing to try anything, so she
fetches a piece of toilet paper, stands in front of the mirror and starts
to rub it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of
years," Moshe replies.
Becky stops rubbing and asks, "Why will
rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day make my breasts
grow bigger over the years?"
Moshe just shrugs and replies, "Why not?
It worked for your toches, didn't it?"
STOP PRESS:  Moshe lived to tell
the tale and with a great deal of therapy may walk again soon.
(XXX#150) Women’s questionnaire
A recent study was set up for women, asking
them how they felt about their arse.
• 85% of women think their arse
is too big.
• 10% of women think their arse is too
small.
• The other 5% say that they don't care
- they love him and would have married him anyway.
(XXX#151) The bridge club
Sharon runs a local bridge club which
is renowned for the quality of its players. One evening, just before the
players are due to arrive, she gets a last minute call from one of them
saying that she is sick and won’t be coming in. Unable to get a replacement
at such short notice, Sharon persuades her husband Brian, a mediocre player
with a bad attitude, to make up the foursome.
During the evening’s play, Brian gets
up and goes to the toilet, leaving the door ajar. Soon, everyone can hear
him peeing. Embarrassed, Sharon calls out, "Brian, would you please close
the toilet door."
But Brian’s partner says, "Never mind,
Sharon, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what
the man has in his hand."
(XXX#152) Tit for tat
Sadie, an elderly, rather poorly dressed
lady is in a lift in a well known London department store on her way down
to the ground floor. On the 4th floor, a beautiful young woman gets into
the lift wearing what to Sadie is an expensive perfume. The woman turns
to Sadie and says, arrogantly, "Balenciaga, £100 an ounce!"
On the 3rd floor, another beautiful woman
smelling of expensive perfume gets into the lift and very arrogantly turns
to Sadie and says, "Christine Dior, £150 an ounce!"
When the lift reaches the ground floor,
as she leaves the lift, Sadie looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends
over, farts and says, "Broccoli – 75p a pound."
(XXX#153) The photographer
[My thanks to Ray H for
the following]
Shlomo and Sadie have been unable to have
children and in desperation decide to use a proxy father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father is to arrive, Shlomo kisses Sadie and
says, "He should be here soon so I’d better be off."
But just after Shlomo leaves, a door-to-door
baby photographer calls at their house hoping to make a sale. "Good morning
madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"There’s no need to explain," says Sadie,
"I've been expecting you. Do come in."
"Oh, really?" says the photographer. "Well
then, let me say that I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped,"
says Sadie, blushing. "So where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me," says the photographer,
"I usually try two in the bath, one on the armchair and perhaps a couple
on the bed. On the floor is fun too - you can really spread out."
"In the bath, on the floor? No wonder
it didn't work for me," says Sadie.
"Well, madam," says the photographer,
"none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly,"
gasps Sadie.
"Madam," says the photographer, "in my
line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five
minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Sadie exclaims.
The photographer opens his briefcase and
takes out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of
a bus in Hampstead, London."
"Oh my god," says Sadie.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally
well when you consider their mother was difficult to work with," says the
photographer, as he hands Sadie the picture.
"What do you mean she was difficult?"
asks Sadie.
"Well, I had to take her to Hyde Park
to get the job done right," he replies, "and people were crowding around
us five deep to get a good look."
"Five deep?" says Sadie, with her eyes
wide open in shock.
"Yes," the photographer says, "and it
lasted for 4hours with the mother constantly squealing and yelling. I could
hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed
up and left."
"Your......equipment?" says Sadie.
"That's right. Well if you're ready, I'll
set up my tripod and we can get to work."
"Tripod?" says Sadie, looking extremely
worried.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest
my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for
action. Madam? Madam? Oh dear, she's fainted!"
(XXX#154) The professionals
Maurice, Isaac and Hannah are sitting
at a bar in the City talking about their professions.
Maurice says, "I'm a yuppie. You know
- young, urban, professional."
Isaac says, "I'm a dink. You know - double
income, no kids."
They then turn to Hannah and say, "And
you?"
She replies, "I'm a wife. You know - wash,
iron, f**k, etc."
go to eighth set